You Got HaruhiRolled!
by superstarultra
Summary: Watch as a writer with too much time on his hands, places the cast of TMOHS into absurd situations, ridiculous parodies, and scenarios with disturbing dialogue.
1. Of Sex Changes and Nationalities

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I was inspired to make this after reading the Code Geass fic "You Got LuluRolled!" by Roxius. Now everybody, I am completely sorry. I truly am. But the following stories...... have absolutely no plot whatsoever. Okay? I just wanted to clear that up all right? This ain't your regular TMOHS fic, kiddies. Just remember, it's your own fault for coming here and expecting an exciting tale of witty, philosophical humor, psychological banter, and whatnot. What you WILL find in this story is:**

**Wanton Violence**

**Character Bashing**

**Shameless Parodies**

**Major OOCness**

**Randomness**

**Foul Language**

**Sexual References and Situations**

**and Crack Pairings.**

**So now you know what ingredients went into this vile concoction.**

**Note: Unless it is noted, most of the chapters will be told in a normal point of view. Chapters told in a character's POV will have something like 'Kyon's POV' or 'Haruhi's POV' at the beginning. Hopefully this will entertain you guys, until they decide to stop rehashing Endless Eight. Time to get the ball rolling!**

* * *

**Change is Good:**

Kyon walked through the door to WcDonalds, the smell of fresh hamburgers hitting his nostrils. Only the cashiers, cooks, an overweight man, a pimple-faced boy in a hoodie, and a mother with two screaming brats occupied the establishment.

Kyon saw an empty booth by the windows and quickly sat down. After getting comfortable he glanced around. His only reason for coming to this place at three in the afternoon was the fact that he had received a text message on his cell phone, requesting that he arrive at WcDonalds for a meeting.

The only problem was that he had no idea who had left him the message.

All it said at the bottom was that it was from 'A Friend'.

From which friend he had no clue.

In typical Kyon fashion, he began to run over the list of possible responses he would prepare for his mystery pal, his thoughts were interrupted by a sudden tapping on his shoulder.

"Kyon?" said a soft voice.

Startled, he turned to his to left and was met with a surprise. It definitely wasn't Itsuki. It was a girl.

But it wasn't one he knew either.

She was wearing a North High School girl uniform, dark glasses, and had a purple scarf tied around her head. Almost like she was trying to remain incognito. She gave Kyon a lovely, angelic smile.

Plus her rack wasn't too bad either.

"Can I.... help you? Miss......" Kyon stammered as the girl sat down in the same booth as him.

"Sorry I'm late," she said. "Getting here without being seen was quite difficult. I see you received my message."

"You sent me the message? Do I know you? " a surprised Kyon asked. He was pretty sure he hadn't seen this girl anywhere at school before.

"Ah, I'm sorry Kyon. I haven't explained yet. It's me, " said the mystery girl.

Kyon's eyebrows rose slightly. All right, this was getting odd...

"Me, who?"

"Oh, right this," she said, gesturing to the scarf and glasses. "Let me get rid of these first."

Kyon watched as the girl removed the aforementioned accessories and placed them on the table. He saw that the scarf had hidden her long, sandy-brown hair and that the glasses had covered her light-brown eyes. A _very _familiar smile rested on her face now.

Kyon blinked.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

No, it couldn't be.....

Could it?

The voice was a slightly higher pitch, the eyes and hair were the same colors, and that facial expression...

His mouth went dry, but he just managed to slowly say...

"_Itsuki Koizumi?_"

"In the flesh. By the way, it's Itsuko now," was her (his?) reply.

Suddenly, Kyon wasn't feeling quite so good. He felt nauseous, like he had just stepped off of a roller coaster. He assumed it had something to do with ogling the new 'assets' of his esper friend.

"_What the hell happened to you!?!_" Kyon bellowed, standing upright in the booth. This attracted the majority of the remaining WcDonalds patrons. He quickly lowered his voice and sat back down.

"It's a long story. Neither Nagato or Asahina has seen me like this. I wanted to meet you in private first, in order to gauge a reaction. I can see you're quite surprised," she (he?) said in a voice that sounded like they were discussing the weather.

"I can't believe this! It's just so.... surreal! Why would Haruhi do such a thing to you?" said Kyon as he began to dial a number on his cell phone. "I'm calling Nagato. Maybe she can find out what's wrong and find a way to change you bac-"

Suddenly, a feminine hand grasped the cell phone in Kyon's hand before he could complete the call. Kyon looked up to see Itsuko giving him a shy smile. Kyon could now see that along with the change in gender, 'Itsuki' had also gotten a manicure.

"There won't be any need for you to call Nagato, Kyon. You see there's something I haven't told you yet."

"Oh? Well what's that?"

"Haruhi Suzumiya had nothing to do with this."

Complete silence.

"_Excuse me!?! What do you mean she had NOTHING to do with it!" _exclaimed Kyon, who looked like he was about to go into cardiac arrest.

"Precisely. This was none of her doing. I chose to alter my own gender, at my own volition," explained Itsuko.

"But... why?" said Kyon, who still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Itsuki Koizumi of all people would undergo a sex change operation. He was finding it difficult to keep his eyes off of Itsuko's body...

"Because Kyon...... Ever since I was a child I always felt different from the other children. I would always go play with the girls instead of the boys. While the guys were playing sports, I was learning how to sew. And in school, I always felt an odd attraction towards you whenever we were together. It was confusing. I always wondered why I felt this way, until I discovered I was really a woman trapped in man's body. The Agency was grateful enough to pay for the operation, since it would help my performance in the field. Now tell me, Kyon. What do you think of the new and improved me?"

Kyon's brain was still on the verge of trying to digest all of that information, but nevertheless, he decided he would still try to answer. He had to admit, Itsuko did look pretty sexy....

"Well I have to say...... you do look very beautiful. Hot even..." he slowly said.

"Why thank you so much, Kyon! That's just the kind of thing every girl wants to hear!" gushed Itsuko, who's statement slightly disturbed Kyon. The two stood up and began to leave WcDonalds.

"Well I suppose I'd better go home now," said Kyon, who was still wondering what Haruhi was going to think of 'Itsuki's' new decision. There was still one problem though.

"Uhhh, Koizumi?" started Kyon.

"Hmmm? What is it, Kyon?" said Itsuko.

"You still haven't let go of my hand," answered Kyon, who's hand was still being held onto by Itsuko's.

Instead of letting go, Itsuko leaned in quite close to Kyon with an almost flirty smile on her face.

"Why, Kyon. You say that as if that were a bad thing!" she giggled.

Kyon groaned. His days had now gone from bad to worse.

* * *

**A Stunning Revelation:**

The SOS Brigade were seated around their cozy clubroom doing the usual.

Haruhi was looking on the internet for any cases of paranormal weirdness, Mikuru was brewing a delicious pot of tea, Yuki was engrossed in her novel, and Itsuki and Kyon were playing a game of Othello.

Yup, just a normal day for our attractive and loveable protagonists!

Until Kyon put down the Othello piece he was holding and stood up from his chair.

"What are you doing, Kyon?" said Haruhi, who had taken the time to look away from an intriguing article on giant alligators.

"I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING!" Kyon proclaimed at the top of his lungs, now drawing the attention of everyone in the room.

"Oh?" remarked a bemused Haruhi. "And just what would that be?"

"I AM THE ONLY CHARACTER IN THIS SHOW WHO LOOKS REMOTELY JAPANESE! THANK YOU!"

And with that statement, Kyon gave a deep bow and proceeded to run out of the clubroom, with his hands flailing wildly over his head.

After an uncomfortable amount of silence and a few dumbfounded expressions later, Itsuki turned to Yuki and calmly stated, "You know you do have a bit of a German thing going on, you know?"

* * *

**A/N: If any of you guys have any ideas for a crack fic, I'd be glad to feature it in this. Just PM me or leave it in a review. Thanks.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!**


	2. Kyon the Lolitamon Master

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Because no story is complete without a Pokémon reference. **

* * *

**Lolitamon:**

In a large warehouse full of crates and machine parts, Kyon narrowed his eyes at his opponent, who had a confident smirk on his face.

"You've gone too far this time, Haruhi Suzumiya! Your plan for world domination must be stopped at all costs!" shouted Kyon.

"Ah ha ha ha ha!" laughed Haruhi. "You should have joined me while you had the chance Kyon! We could have ruled together as the leaders of Team SOS. But no! You turned me down and ruined many of my wonderful plans! However..."

She gestured to a large machine behind her, that resembled the unholy lovechild of a satellite dish and a water heater.

"Once this baby finishes charging up, it'll unleash a signal across the entire world. Every single Lolitamon who hears it will accept me as their master. This entire world shall fall under my rule! Team SOS will dominate the planet! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!" Haruhi cackled.

"You're insane, Haruhi!" growled Kyon. "Lolitamon aren't just tools you can use to hurt people! They're creatures with their own hearts and feelings. They're our friends. Can't you see that at all? Or have you forgotten what it's like to have friends?"

Haruhi's eyes widened for a second, before she quickly made her in front of the machine and placed her hands on her hips.

"I can see just fine, Kyon..." said Haruhi, while taking a small, red and white, spherical object out of her pocket. "I can see you're about to become the first and last person to ever stand up against me! I'll crush you so utterly, no one will ever have any hope of going up against me! Go Mikuru!"

She tossed the Lolitaball, which erupted into a stream of white light, which formed into a girl with red hair and a pink waitress outfit.

"Mi-Mi-Mi-Mikuru!" she squeaked.

Kyon smirked, and took out his own Lolitaball. "You think I'd come here alone without any help, Haruhi? Come on out and fight, Nagato!"

There was a brilliant burst of light, and suddenly, there was a purple-haired girl wearing a witch's hat and cape standing in front of Kyon.

"Nagato, let's show them how a real Lolitamon and Trainer work together!" Kyon yelled.

"Understood," said Nagato in a lifeless tone.

"Not so fast, boy!" said a new voice behind Haruhi. Kyon looked up, just in time to see a figure emerge from the shadows. It was a boy with a very wide smile on his face.

"Itsuki Koizumi?! I thought you were dead!" said a flabbergasted Kyon.

"Unfortunately for you, I survived the lab explosion and made my way here. I will make sure our Chief's plan to brainwash all of the world's Lolitamon will come to fruition! Now, Tsuruya, attack!" screamed Itsuki, throwing out a Lolitaball of his own.

One bright flash of light later, and Kyon was staring at a girl with impossibly, long, green hair. Her sharp fang glittered in the sunlight.

"Nyoro, nyoro, nyoro!" she giggled.

_Oh, no..._ thought Kyon. _How can Nagato possibly handle two of them at the same time?_

"Don't you worry, Kyon! I'm here to help you!" said a high-pitched voice. Kyon turned and saw a small girl with brown hair approaching him.

"Well, well, well..." sneered Haruhi. "Looks like we're about to have a Double's Battle."

"Little sister! What you doing here? It's too dangerous! " said a surprised Kyon.

"I couldn't stand by, while my big brother saved the world! Plus I just caught a super rare Lolitamon that can help you beat them. Everybody, say hello to Ryoko!" said Kyon's sister, as she summoned her own Lolitamon.

Now standing alongside Nagato, was a very pretty girl with blue hair. She clutched a wickedly, sharp knife in her hands.

"Please die!" Ryoko said cheerily to her opponents.

And with that an epic battle ensued; one that would ensue the fate of all of the world's Lolitamon. Will Kyon and his sister triumph over the evil Team SOS and become world famous Lolitamon masters?

_**Find Out Next Time On A New Episode Of Lolitamon! Gotta Catch'em All!**_

* * *

**Accidents Happen:**

Haruhi Suzumiya sat in class behind Kyon, thinking to herself.

His words from their last conversation were still ringing in her head.

_How am I going to attract weird and exciting things to myself, if I can't find them in any of these boring clubs? _she pondered.

Suddenly, Haruhi was hit by a bolt of inspiration like a lightning bolt.

_That's it! I'll start my own club! _she thought.

She then reached over to Kyon, grabbed his collar, and gave him a big yank backwards.

There was an audible _CRASH!_ as the back of his skull connected with her desk.

Kyon then slumped forward onto his own desk as Haruhi prepared to stand up tell him about her plan to form a new club.

That's when Haruhi noticed Kyon hadn't gotten up yet.

She also noticed the smear of blood on her desk and the rather large dent on the back of Kyon's head.

"Kyon, are you okay?" she slowly asked.

He didn't answer back.

Gulping, Haruhi turned and saw that the entire class, as well as the teacher, were staring at the sight in complete horror.

"It... It was an accident! Honest!" she cried.

Half an hour later, the ambulance arrived and retrieved Kyon's body, while the police took Haruhi downtown on an account of accidental manslaughter. She is in jail as we speak.

* * *

**A/N: I always wondered what would have happened if Haruhi accidently killed Kyon in the first episode of the anime. Maybe that's just me.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	3. Haruhi Gets an Island

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I wonder what will happen in this exciting chapter~?**

* * *

**Haruhi's Island: **

"Oh, boy!" shouted an exuberant Haruhi, holding up a letter in her hands. "I've won my very own tropical island! Paradise, here I come!"

"Haruhi, you can't own an island," Kyon said.

"Oh, yeah? And just what makes you think that, ya big palooka?"

"Well, islands are usually filled with monkeys."

"And?"

"You happen to have an unexplained fear of them for some reason."

"...Well, darn, you're right."

And so Haruhi did not get an island.

* * *

**A/N: ...Huh. Didn't see that coming. **

**Review, Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	4. Mrs Nesbitt

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Thought this one up while watching a scene in Toy Story.**

* * *

**Thanks: **

"Oh thank you so much, Kyon! You saved my life!" said a grateful Mikuru. The cute girl was hugging onto his arm, like a child reunited with her mother.

"It was nothing Asahina. Anybody passing by would have done the same thing," said Kyon, who had a few cuts and bruises decorating his face.

A few feet away from them, Fujiwara's prone form was still twitching slightly on the ground, but he showed no signs of getting back up. He groaned slightly, though.

This was the situation: Mikuru had been leaving a meeting with Yuki and Itsuki in the afternoon and had decided to cut through the park on her way home. It was then that Fujiwara, the rival time-traveler, had leapt from his hiding place in the shrubbery and pounced on the girl for another kidnapping attempt. She'd cried out for help, but no one had heard her cries. Before Fujiwara could knock her out, he was tackled to the ground by Kyon. A short fight ensued, with Kyon as the victor.

"I'm just so glad you came by when you did! Who's knows what he would have done to me if you hadn't come by," said a shivering Mikuru.

Kyon gave her a comforting pat on the shoulder. "Calm down, Asahina. You're safe now."

They began to leave the park until Mikuru suddenly tugged on the sleeve of Kyon's jacket. He turned to look at her.

"Yes, Asahina?" said Kyon.

"You're always helping me out, Kyon. Even when I don't ask for it... I feel like I need to show you how much you mean to me. I just wish there was some way I could show my thanks for you..." shyly replied Mikuru, who had her head down and was currently wringing her hands together.

Kyon mulled over this for a bit before saying, "Really? How would you go about thanking me?"

Mikuru blushed furiously and said quietly, "Oh, I don't know..."

Suddenly, Kyon leaned in quite close to Mikuru's right ear and whispered softly, "Actually... I think I might know a way you can thank me right now."

Her head shot up and she looked Kyon square in the eyes.

"Really?" she said, in a voice that was a mixture of nervousness and intrigue.

He grinned.

*******

_**Later at Kyon's House...**_

*******

"Wow! This is fantastic!"

"Yeah, it really is marvelous!"

"Meow."

Mikuru put up a weak smile for the other three occupants that sat at the table, that was able to fool them.

"Yeah... I'm glad you all like my...... tea so much..." she said with hint of disappointment. Truth be told, Mikuru had expected something..... else when Kyon invited her into his home a few minutes ago. She was quite surprised to see that his sister and his cat, Shamisen, were still there though, but was quite confused when Kyon insisted that they stay and join them. Mikuru was told to go and wait in the kitchen.

Of course, nothing had prepared Mikuru Asahina for what was about to happen next.

Kyon vanished upstairs into his room for a few minutes and then came back down holding a rather fancy looking tea tray in his arms. It had six ornamented cups on it with a large, pearl-white teapot in the center. But that wasn't the weird part.

Kyon was wearing a dress.

A _fucking _dress.

It was magenta, with ruffles on the sleeves and skirt, along with tacky looking, silver beads lining the front, and a huge purple bow on the chest area. Apparently, he had put the ensemble over the clothes he was already wearing, since she could make out his pants under the dress. And right on top of his head was a wicker hat so enormous it could be mistaken for a sombrero, with sunflowers and a white veil on top.

The image would be forever burned into Mikuru's corneas for a long time.

Then Kyon's sister skipped happily into the kitchen wearing an azure derby hat with pink flowers and honeybee designs stitched into it, along with a pink apron with a red heart on it. She was holding Shamisen in her arms, who was wearing a white collar with a black bow-tie adorned on it. A monocle had been taped to the collar, but the cat didn't seem too keen on wearing it.

Kyon then preceded to give Mikuru a package wrapped in brown paper, that he had been carrying under his right arm. She slowly opened it up and found a yellow sundress complete with a matching hat. A blue ribbon on it allowed Kyon to tie it around her chin so it wouldn't fall off. He had _insisted_.

"Ahhh, nothing like a good afternoon tea out in the garden! Wouldn't you say, Miss Ponyweather?" Kyon said to his sister, despite the fact that they were in the kitchen.

"Quite true, indeed!" said Kyon's sister in a mock imitation of a British accent. She turned and gave Shamisen a quick scratch on his neck.

"Don't you agree as well, General Fluffypaws?" she cooed.

"Meow," said Shamisen, returning his attention to his saucer of milk.

"What about you, Miss Scarlet? Enjoying your tea?" asked Kyon.

Mikuru looked up from her cold cup of tea that she had been stirring for the past five minutes, and forced a smile that would have put Ryoko Asakura to shame.

"Y-Yes... It's really good, Kyon..." she murmured.

In a matter of two seconds, Kyon's playful expression was replaced with one of pure annoyance. He narrowed his eyes at her, in way that reminded her of Haruhi.

"For the last time! My name isn't Kyon! It's Mrs. Nesbitt! Say it with me! MRS. NESBITT!!!" he hissed at her.

".......... The tea is really good, Mrs. Nesbitt. I-it r-really is..." said a frightened Mikuru.

"Good."

As Kyon drank the rest of his tea, with his pinky finger raised, Mikuru debated whether to tell the other SOS Brigade members about how much of her respect for Kyon died today.

* * *

**A/N: The only thing scarier in the Haruhiverse than psycho Ryoko or a rampaging Celestial, is male Kyon in drag. But that's just my opinion.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	5. Tsuruya is Watching and Endless Itsuki

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: The first one is based off of a certain website about animals. Just thought I'd let you all know.**

* * *

**LOLFang-tan Cat:**

Kyon was sitting by himself in the SOS Brigade clubroom, relaxing. Without Haruhi to bug him or any supernatural business to attend to, he decided now was the perfect time to take a quick nap.

He went over to Haruhi's chair and plopped down.

Placing his feet on the table, Kyon reclined back and began to shut his eyes in order to dream about naked girls chasing him.

Imagine his surprise, when he opened his eyes to get some dust out and saw Tsuruya peering down at him.

From a hole in the ceiling.

"Tsuruya!!!" cried a shocked Kyon. His brain raced with questions, like how did she get up there and how long she'd been in the ceiling.

Instead, he decided to ask...

"Why were you watching me?"

Tsuruya blinked and gave a motion with her body that Kyon assumed was a shrug, and said this:

"Watching you masturbate, nyoro!"

A minute passed and eventually, the ceiling gave out from Tsuruya's weight.

The green-haired girl hit the table, bounced off, and crashed to the floor.

As she lay unconscious, Kyon booted up the computer and began to surf the web.

He felt an odd sensation to go look at cats.

* * *

**Repetition:**

"We've entered an endless recursion of time."

"......"

"We've entered an endless recursion of time."

"......"

"We've entered an endless recursion of time."

"......"

"We've entered an endless recursion of time."

"......"

"We've entered an endless recursion of time."

"......"

"We've entered an endless recursion of time."

"......"

"We've entered an endless recursion of time."

"......"

"We've entered an endless recur-"

"GOOD GOD, KOIZUMI, SHUT UP! SHUT UP! WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE KNOW ALREADY, OKAY! YOU DON'T HAVE TO REPEAT IT EVERY GODDAMNED CYCLE, OKAY!?! GOD!!!" yelled Kyon.

"............................" sniffled Itsuki.

* * *

**A/N: Poor Itsuki. I don't have anything against him though, (he's one of my favorite characters) but that joke was just too good to pass up. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	6. Opposite Day and Mikuru is a Drunk

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Aster-Selene, I wrote these with you in mind. Both of the following short stories in this chapter are based on the Sighs arc. Enjoy. :)**

* * *

**Opposite Day:**

"So, wait. You're both telling me that Haruhi is causing these changes?" said a puzzled Kyon.

"Yes, Miss Suzumiya's sub consciousness is changing the environment to her liking," explained Itsuki. Beside him Yuki nodded. Kyon placed his hand to his forehead and seemed to be in deep thought.

"So the Mikuru Beam, the birds, the flowers, and all this other stuff is happening without her knowing?" Kyon spoke.

"Yes," said Yuki.

Kyon looked away for a few seconds, and immediately a look of pure, unadulterated terror broke out on his face.

"OH, NO!" he cried out.

"What's wrong, Kyon?" asked a concerned Itsuki.

"Don't any of you see what this means!" Kyon cried out. "HARUHI SUZUMIYA HAS CREATED OPPOSITE DAY!!!"

Both Yuki and Itsuki gave Kyon wide-eyed stares, as though the boy had grown a second head.

"Uh... what are you talking about, Kyon?" asked a very disturbed Itsuki.

"ISN'T IT OBVIOUS! HARUHI HAS BROUGHT OPPOSITE DAY TO LIFE! THIS IS TERRIBLE!" yelled Kyon, clutching the sides of his head. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, NAGATO?! DO YOU!?!" he screamed, his hands now grasping Yuki's shoulders.

"............... Could you explain?" said Yuki, now feeling a few traces of the human emotion, commonly known as annoyance.

"What's to explain? Every single thing known as logic has now been tossed out the window! Cats will now chase after dogs! Birds will swim! Fish will fly! Fire-fighters will put out floods with blazes! Up is down! East is West! South is North! The strong will serve the weak! Love is hate and vice versa! Owls and werewolves will come out in the daytime! Hamburgers will eat people! The Sonic the Hedgehog video games will make a comeback! Pokémon will finally end! Lost will start making sense!" By now, Kyon was reaching hysterics. "THE TWILIGHT BOOK SERIES WILL NOT BE MOCKED RELENTLESSLY BY THE MASSES! I REFUSE TO LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT MY TWILIGHT PARODIES!!!"

Suddenly, Kyon took off down the street, away from the movie set.

Running backwards of all things.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING, KYON!?" Itsuki yelled after him.

"I'VE GOT TO WARN MY SISTER! SHE'S GOING TO HAVE A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWHICH FOR LUNCH AND IT'S GOING TO BE FROZEN! CRAP! I SHOULDN'T BE YELLING! I SHOULD WHISPERING AS NOT TO TEMPT FATE! I'll see you all... " Whatever came out of Kyon's mouth next went unheard as he actually began to whisper to Itsuki and Yuki from afar. Most of it ended up being drowned out by the blaring of horns as several cars and trucks swerved to avoid hitting the mentally-unstable boy.

As soon as he was out of sight, Itsuki turned to Yuki.

"Are we absolutely sure he's the chosen one?"

".........................................Yes."

"Ah, crap."

* * *

**Holding Your Liquor:**

While attempting to film a movie for school, Haruhi had decided to 'spice' things up and give Mikuru a gratuitous amount of alcohol much to Kyon's displeasure. She claimed it would make Mikuru's acting much easier for the audience to believe.

The two of them left Mikuru, who looked a little wobbly, sitting on a chair so the alcohol would leave her system. Kyon had taken Haruhi aside in order to yell at her for such an irresponsible deed, while Yuki and Itsuki worriedly watched from the sidelines. Tsuruya was not present at the time, having gone off on a smoked-cheese-run for them all. Haruhi had began to say something about Mikuru being her toy, until a loud crash came from behind them.

Said crash had come from a broken bottle of the same sake that Haruhi had brought along in her bag of movie items. It was completely empty.

"How did.... " Haruhi started to say, before she noticed Mikuru standing up a few feet away. She was swaying slightly and looking at her left hand , which appeared to be clutching at the empty air.

"Oopsie-daisy," she chuckled, before going through Haruhi's bag again. She came up with a fresh bottle, before a lop-sided smile appeared on her face.

"Score!" she said, before ripping the cap off with her teeth and tipping it towards her open mouth.

There was a short silence as Kyon, Haruhi, Itsuki, and even the stoic Yuki watched in amazement as Mikuru downed the entire bottle's contents in a matter of seconds. When she was finished, she stumbled forwards and wiped the remaining droplets from her mouth with the front of Kyon's shirt. He was too stunned to stop her.

"My hero," she half- giggled, half-slurred at him. Suddenly, Mikuru started to fan herself with her left hand, while tugging on the collar of her shirt with her right.

"Is anybody else feeling really hot in here?" drawled Mikuru.

Kyon broke out of his stupor and reached out with his right hand.

"Asahina... Are you okay?" asked Kyon.

His answer was a nasty slap on the wrist. "Ouch!"

Mikuru's once angelic face now transformed into a hateful glare that was now fixated on Kyon. It took quite a bit of self-control for him not to lose control over his bowels. It was quite clear to them all that Mikuru Asahina was a drunk. A _very mean_ drunk.

"You're always bothering me, ya know that!" she spat at him. "If I wasn't so damn busty, I'd bet you'd... be dreaming about banging HER every night, HUH!? Ya freaking rapist..."

She was pointing in Haruhi's direction, who was blushing furiously. Or maybe at Yuki. Or maybe even Itsuki. Kyon couldn't really tell, what with Mikuru's finger swaying in several directions all at once.

"Miss Asahina, I believe you've had a bit too much to drink. Let's get you in some warm clothes and then-" Itsuki's next words were cut off as he quickly ducked to avoid the empty bottle Mikuru swung at the space of air where his head had been. Needless to say he was quite shocked.

"You!" Mikuru said, Itsuki being the next target of her alcohol-induced rage, "I never liked you at all! You smile too damn much! Always with the smiling! And yammering on and on about all that psychological crap! I don't even know if you're straight or not! You act about as straight as a crazy straw! ..... Ya know you probably are straight..... Considering you spend almost every day with YOUR HEAD UP HER ASS!!!" she screeched at the esper, while motioning to Haruhi.

For once in his life, Itsuki Koizumi was speechless.

But Mikuru wasn't done yet. Oh no, not yet. She procured yet another bottle from Haruhi's bag (_'How many did she bring with her?' _thought Kyon) and advanced on Yuki. Mikuru had already popped this bottle open and took a big sip. The time-traveler narrowed her eyes at the alien, who still hadn't moved or anything.

"You..." Mikuru gurgled.

"Yes?" said Yuki, coolly.

"I just don't like your face..." she slurred, shuffling over to Haruhi. Yuki just blinked.

Mikuru was now standing in front of Haruhi. The Ultra Director looked almost afraid of the moe mascot, but remembering her authority, she straightened up and faced Mikuru.

"Listen here, Miku-"

"SHUT UP!" growled Mikuru, cutting off any response Haruhi might have prepared. Haruhi looked positively mortified. Mikuru took this opportunity to finish off the bottle in her hand. Tossing it over her shoulder when she was done, (Kyon had to duck) she jabbed her finger directly into Haruhi's chest.

"You...." Mikuru snarled.

Haruhi swallowed nervously. "What?"

".......... really, really, really suck." she finished.

And then she tackled Haruhi to the floor and grabbed her breasts.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Haruhi as Mikuru began to molest her.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! HOW DOES THAT FEEL, HUH!? YA LIKE THAT, HUH? DO YA? NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE A DRESS-UP DOLL!!!" Mikuru jeered.

Within seconds Kyon, Itsuki, and Yuki rushed over and began to pull them apart. The following dialogue was exchanged:

"Okay! I've got a firm grip on her legs!"

"Good! I'll get her arms and th- OW! She bit me!"

"LEMME GO, YOU ASSHOLES!!!"

"Stay still, please."

"GET HER OFF OF ME!"

"Quit squirming, Asahina!"

"Please don't make this any more difficult than it has to be!"

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

"................Ow."

"LET GO OF MY HAIR, YOU CRAZY-"

Half an hour later, Mikuru was sitting on a stool, with a cup of coffee in her hands.

"Did I do anything bad?" asked the time-traveler, who was back to her old, meek, and sweet self.

Kyon and the others looked at each other for a few seconds, before nodding. She squeaked sadly.

"It's okay, Asahina," said a smiling Itsuki. "Most of what you said was really the sake talking. I hope."

"I have to apologize. Where's Miss Suzumiya at?" Mikuru asked timidly.

"She went to get some fresh air," answered Yuki. As Mikuru began to get up, her hand immediately went to her mouth. Her eyes bugged out and her stomach began to churn.

"Uh-oh." said Kyon, who knew what was about to happen. He grabbed a nearby wastepaper basket but before he could do anything else, Mikuru had already snatched something off of the table they were all sitting at. Haruhi came into the room just as Mikuru started to retch.

"Mikuru!" shouted Haruhi, "What the hell are you doing with my megaphone?!"

* * *

**A/N: OOC Kyon and Mikuru are fun characters. If anybody has a request feel free to leave it with a review.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	7. Tsuruya Screws the Rules

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Thank you for all the responses everyone! I wasn't expecting people to find this that funny, but I'm glad I was wrong! Now, it's time to give the people what they want. Tsuruya-san!**

**....What? **

**Were you expecting cash? I ain't made of money people! Also featuring Kyon's POV in this one! Sarcasm ahoy! D: Also includes a guest appearance by someone in the second one!**

* * *

**Obligatory Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series Joke Spoof Thing:**

_**-Kyon's POV-**_

It was an ordinary day here in the SOS Brigade clubroom. And I mean _really_ ordinary.

I had been half-expecting Haruhi to drag us out a patrol of the neighborhood or swindle another club out of something useful to us. But no.

Instead, Haruhi seemed to be more interested in playing some sort of puzzle game on the computer. I forgot the name of it though; some kind of variation of Tetris or something. Yuki was reading as usual, Asahina was seated next to me and trying to get an early start on her homework, and Koizumi was reading a book that Nagato had already finished. I just sat there checking my watch every now and then.

I was considering just picking up my things and leaving, until the clubroom door swung open. Our heads all looked over to the door and we were greeted with the sight of flowing green hair and a pointy fang.

"What's going on, guys?" shouted Tsuruya.

Ahhh, Tsuruya. How your body contains all that boundless energy, I'll never know. Haruhi invited her in and offered her a chair at the table so Tsuruya took her up on that offer. She seated herself across from me and right next to Koizumi. Tsuruya had not been seated for more than ten seconds when she started fidgeting. I guess sitting still was never one of her strong points.

After five minutes of this, Tsuruya faced me and said, "Why don't you and I play a game, Kyon?"

I considered this for a moment. Tsuruya might prove a tougher adversary than Koizumi, but after a constant string of victories over the esper, I think it's time for a change of pace.

"Okay, Tsuruya. What game did you have in mind?" I asked.

"This!" she cried, reaching into the pocket of her skirt and slamming something onto the table. I looked at it.

A pack of Yu-Gi-Oh cards?

Didn't everyone used to collect them a while back? Oh, well.

"You're on, Tsuruya."

"Great! It's time to duel!"

Tsuruya's card deck was big enough for two people to use, so we split it in half. She had quite a lot of rare cards, I noted. Being wealthy certainly does come in handy when there's a fad. After a card shuffle by Nagato, our game got under way. Koizumi decided to act as the referee and keep track of our life points on a piece of paper. We each started with 4000 points.

Tsuruya seemed to focus on sacrificing her monsters to bring out stronger ones and using their special abilities, while I relied on magic and trap cards to trip her up. Our battle was pretty intense at some points. Even Haruhi and Nagato looked over to see how we were doing. Asahina cheered on for both of us.

Finally, we were both down to our last few life points. I had 500, but Tsuruya had 1200 left. It was her move.

"Hmmmmm....." went Tsuruya as she stared at her hand of cards. Suddenly, her face brightened as she slapped down something on the table.

"Read it and weep, Kyon!" she crowed.

Confused, I looked over to see what Tsuruya had played. It was three Blue Eyes White Dragon cards.

What the...?

"Wait a moment, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?" I asked.

Tsuruya stopped humming a victory tune and looked at me. "Yeah, so?"

"That's against the rules," I stated a matter-of-factly.

Suddenly, Tsuruya leapt to her feet, startling everyone (except Yuki) in the room.

She then loudly proclaimed, "SCREW THE RULES, I HAVE MONEY..."

She quickly pointed to her head with both hands and added, "AND GREEN HAIR!"

After that little stunt, she tilted her head backwards and started laughing her ass off like a hyena.

As Haruhi and the others looked on in disbelief at Tsuruya, I made a promise to myself.

I definitely need to make more male friends.

* * *

**Unplanned Parenthood:**

Tsuruya was in her mansion, sleeping soundly in her rather large bed. Her parents had nagged her about not getting enough sleep, so she was taking a nap. Since there was no school today, it gave her a chance to just vegetate for the rest of the day.

Tsuruya was having an exciting dream about chasing flying blocks of smoked cheese when something odd happened. She was rolling on her side when felt a weird lump in her bed. Waking up, she saw the lump was under her blanket.

Tsuruya was confused. She was certain she didn't bring any stuffed animals into bed with her......

Slowly reaching out with a hand, Tsuruya flipped over the blanket. "Huh?"

"Hello, there!" said a squeaky voice.

Tsuruya couldn't believe her eyes. Sitting right there on her comforter, staring up at her, was miniature version of herself. The thing looked exactly like Tsuruya except for a few key differences; it's face consisted of a catlike mouth and a two beady, little eyes, it's hands and feet were stubby and seemed to lack fingers and toes, and it was wearing a teeny version of her school uniform.

"W-Who are y-you?" stammered Tsuruya in a dead-on imitation of Mikuru.

The thing tilted it's head to the side, before it opened its mouth in a show of joy (Tsuruya noticed it didn't seem to any teeth).

"Don't you recognize me, nyoro? I'm Churuya!" said the little person. The mini clone waddled forward and settled itself in Tsuruya's lap. It made a sound, similar to a cat purring.

"I'm gonna stay here and live with you from now on! Is that okay?" asked Churuya.

Tsuruya still had her mouth open in complete disbelief. After a good minute had passed, Tsuruya found the strength to finally speak again.

"HOLY CRAP! WHEN DID I HAVE A KID!" shouted Tsuruya.

"Nyoro~n," said Churuya.

* * *

**A/N: More new characters next chapter. I promise. Really.**

**Special thanks to the following people:**

**Exdeamon- First Alert**

**Sasaki in a Top Hat- First Review**

**MJKalasky- First Favorite**

**Aster Selene- Most Reviews**

**Thank you everyone.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	8. Haruhiroth

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Forgive me, but this one is super short. I thought this up while in bed. Hope you'll all like it anyway. **

* * *

**One-Winged Brigade Chief:**

Kyon was on the phone talking to Haruhi in his room. She had called him while he was right in the middle of playing a video game, so he had to pause and save it. The game in question was Final Fantasy 7.

"Make sure you bring cash, okay? We'll be stopping by WcDonalds once we- oh hang on Kyon, my mom needs something. COMING!" the phone went quiet as Haruhi went speak to her mother.

Kyon sighed; he was just about to get to the final battle with Sephiroth when Haruhi had called his house to go patrolling. He really wanted to make that bastard pay for killing Aeris! Kyon's mind debated whether or not he should keep playing until Haruhi got back or wait until he got back from patrolling the park.

Decisions, decisions........

_I could just fight Sephiroth while I wait for Haruhi, _he thought, _But if I beat him now I'll have to sit through the ending credits and that would take too long. I really don't need Haruhi to be nagging me for being late. Man, I wish the magic spell, Haste, was real...._

Turning the game off, Kyon wandered over to his dresser to obtain his wallet. While making sure he had enough dough to treat everyone, he absentmindedly began to hum the lyrics to "One-Winged Angel". After realizing he was, he started doing it again. It really was a popular song and catchy too. Much easier to hum than "Dancing Mad" in his opinion anyway.

Still humming, Kyon picked up the phone and listened; still no Haruhi.

"Sephiroth, Sephiroth....." he half-heartedly sang out.

It was there, that an idea began to take shape in Kyon's head. Just a way to amuse himself till Haruhi got back. So, in the safety and comfort of his bedroom, Kyon began to come up with some rather interesting, alternate lyrics to One-Winged Angel in his head.

_"Makes Koizumi kiss her ass, then ignores Nagato_

_Makes me her man-slave, then abuses Asahina_

_HARUHI, HARUHI!!!_

_Has powers of a god, gets angry easily_

_Generates a closed space, Celestials come to wreck the place_

_HARUHI, HARUHI!!!_

_Ultra Director, Ultra Director, Ultra Director_

_Leader of our Brigade_

_HARUHI, HARUHI!!!" _

He smiled to himself. That was a pretty good song. Maybe he'd sing for the rest of the Brigade when Haruhi was out of earshot. Getting back on the phone, Kyon listened for any signs of Haruhi. Still none.

Tapping his fingers on his bed, Kyon once again found himself humming his newly thought-up song. It was quite odd how a silver-haired megalomaniac with parental issues and a teenage girl with reality warping powers shared so many issues with each other. Though in the back of his mind, Kyon felt that Haruhi identified with Kefka a bit better. Or Exdeath. Or Ultimecia. Or Kuja. Come to think of it, Haruhi's personality seemed to fit in with a lot of Final Fantasy villains.

_"Makes Koizumi kiss her ass, then ignores Nagato_

_Makes me her man-slave, then abuses Asahina_

_HARUHI, HARUHI!!!_

_Ha-"_

"KYON!"

"AAACCCKKK!"

_Oh, crap... _ thought Kyon, _Was I singing aloud!?_

"So, Kyon....." came a sickly sweet voice from the other end of the phone. "You think you're my man-slave, hmmm?"

Kyon desperately fought back against the urge to hang up and said, "Hey, Haruhi, who do you think is cooler? Sephiroth or Kefka?"

* * *

**A/N: I swear the NEXT chapter will have new characters. I promise. For real. It will contain: **

**Dragon Ball Z!**

**The Opening of Haruhi Season 2!**

**The Rickroll! (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	9. Balls, Songs, and Rickrolls

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well, I said I'd introduce new characters, didn't I? Also, the first story is based off an edited image I saw of Haruhi's face. I'll explain at the end for those who don't know. Second one contains the shattering of the fourth wall, but honestly, who cares? **

* * *

**Dragon Ball Haruhi:**

Ryoko Asakura raced towards her opponent, Yuki Nagato, and delivered a flurry of punches and kicks. All of which Yuki successfully blocked. Scowling, Ryoko jumped back as Yuki let loose an uppercut in her direction.

Sensing an opening, Haruhi Suzumiya zipped in close and aimed a dropkick at Yuki's unprotected back. But Yuki was quick to intercept the maneuver and grabbed Haruhi's foot. Unable to give up, Haruhi lashed out with her other foot, delivering several kicks with the speed of a jackhammer.

All of Haruhi's blows ended up getting absorbed by Yuki's other arm, which was held up in front of her face like a shield. Expressionless, the lavender-haired girl tossed the brunette over her head like a dirty sock. Haruhi soared away for a good twenty feet, but was able to land gracefully on her feet like a cat.

Ryoko, who now between Haruhi and Yuki, placed her hands in front of herself before a torrent of white needle-like beams surged out of them. The beams converged on Yuki and struck her dead-on. There was a tremendous explosion of light and dust.

Both Ryoko and Haruhi took the time to catch their breath. Surely Yuki couldn't have survived that...

Then the dust settled and standing there in the center of a small crater was Yuki. While the clothes Ryoko and Haruhi wore were caked with dirt and torn in some places, Yuki seemed to be relatively unharmed.

"Impossible!" hissed Ryoko. How could she still be standing after all the damage they had done to her before? And she had even shrugged off her best attack!

"Suzumiya!" yelled Ryoko, turning to face Haruhi, "What does the scouter say about Nagato's power level?"

Reaching into her skirt pocket, Haruhi withdrew a small device that looked like the left side of a pair of glasses. She put it over her left eye and pressed a button on the side, causing a red piece of glass to slide out, covering it. It let out a mechanical hum.

A few seconds passed, and then Haruhi slowly removed the scouter from her face. She wore a look of pure rage.

"IT'S OVER 9,000!" she screamed, crushing the scouter in her bare hands.

Ryoko's face was one of complete and utter shock. "WHAT! 9,000? There's no way that could be right... COULD IT!"

Suddenly, a golden aura of light engulfed Yuki's entire body. She rose into the air slightly and placed her hands out in front of her. Her once lavender hair had now turned gold and had gotten quite spiky. Her facial expression still hadn't changed, though.

"KAMEHAMEHA," Yuki half-shouted, half-monotoned. An enormous sphere of light was fired out of her hands at an incredible speed.

Ryoko and Haruhi barely had enough time to scream as the sphere made contact with them and exploded. Their bodies were flung far into the distance, each of them disappearing with _ding_ sound. From the sidelines, a spiky-haired version of Churuya and a green-skinned Itsuki Koizumi had been watching the battle.

"Go, mom!" yelled Churuya, energetically.

Itsuki blinked a bit, before saying, "Wait, I thought Tsuruya was your mother!"

* * *

**Like a Girl:**

Haruhi, Kyon, Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki were sitting around the clubroom computer. They were on YouTube, trying to find a video of the opening intro of the second season, "Super Driver".

"I can't believe the studio made us film it at seven in the morning and they STILL didn't even let us see the results of our hard work," grumbled Haruhi.

"They probably didn't want us to leak anything out to the fans." said Kyon.

"Yeah, yeah, yea- hey wait, here it is!" yelled Haruhi pointing excitedly at the monitor. Apparently someone had filmed the intro with the camera on their cell phone and foolishly posted it up. It had a bit of a grainy quality, but the five friends could still make some stuff out. After a few minutes, the intro ended.

"Well, I must say I rather enjoyed it. What about the rest of you?" asked Itsuki.

"Everything was so bright and colorful! I really liked it! What about you, Yuki?" replied Mikuru, turning to face Yuki. After a moment of silence, Yuki nodded her head in agreement.

"It was all right with me," said Kyon. "What did you think, Haruhi? Uh... Haruhi?"

It was then that everyone noticed that Haruhi was still staring at the computer screen. She had her back to them, but they could see that she was shaking slightly.

"Are you all right, Miss Suzumiya?" asked a concerned Itsuki.

As if in response to his question, Haruhi turned around to face them all. Now everyone could see that she was not crying.

She was laughing.

Haruhi Suzumiya was laughing. Hard.

"What's so funny?" questioned Kyon, wondering what was it that sent Haruhi into a giggle fit.

"AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA- Mi-Mi-Mikuru! Ha ha ha ha..." Haruhi choked out between bursts of laughter. Mikuru came forward a bit, trembling a little.

"Y-Yes, Miss Suzumiya?" she stammered.

"Heh heh heh heh... HA HA HA HA HA! MIKURU, YOU RUN LIKE A GIRL! HA HA HA HA HA!" Haruhi bellowed, before collapsing to the floor in exhaustion.

It was then that Kyon, Yuki, Itsuki, and Mikuru wondered if keeping the universe safe was worth it all.

* * *

**You Got...:**

The President of the Student Council was packing his things up from today's meeting and preparing to go home. Running a corrupt student council was a lot of hard work, and he just wanted to go home and have a cold drink. Just as he was turning away from his desk to leave, the President bumped into something. That something was his secretary, Emiri Kimidori.

The Student Council President was confused. "Kimidori? What are you still doing here? Didn't you leave awhile ago?"

"I did leave," said Emiri. At that moment, the green-haired girl held up a small, rectangular package wrapped up in brown paper. The initials "SOS" were written on it in black marker.

"However, on my way out, I noticed this item had been dropped off in your shoe cubby. Were you expecting anything from Haruhi Suzumiya?" replied Emiri.

The President snatched the package from Emiri's hands and gave it a once over. He frowned. Leave it to the SOS Brigade to throw a wrench in his works. Taking a pair of scissors out of his desk, the boy set about cutting open the parcel. Once he was finished, he saw that he was holding a video cassette in his hand. There was no label with a title on it.

"Might as well see whatever the hell she wants this time. Kimidori, be a dear, and get the TV set we keep in the closet. Okay?"

"Of course."

As Emiri hurried over to accomplish her task, the President sat down and began to turn over the tape in his hands.

_Just what is that girl up to this time... _he thought. _Is she trying to pick another fight or issuing an apology? What are you planning now, Haruhi Suzumiya?_

Emiri returned, pushing a T.V. atop a small cart. Thanking her, the President switched it on and inserted the tape into the VCR slot. He sat back down on his chair and began to watch, with Emiri standing next to him.

After about five seconds of static, an image slowly materialized. The President and Emiri instantly recognized it as the grinning face of Haruhi Suzumiya. She backed up a bit, so that the duo could now make out the interior of the SOS clubroom. Haruhi was holding a microphone in one hand and started counting down to three with the other. Behind her was Kyon, Mikuru Asahina, Yuki Nagato, and Itsuki Koizumi. The former two looked absolutely miserable. Each them had a microphone as well.

The President raised an eyebrow at this. What on earth was she making them do...

Suddenly, Taniguchi, Kunikida, and Tsuruya danced onto the screen. Each of them was wearing a form-fitting black leotard. They lined up next to Haruhi and continued to dance.

Loud upbeat music began to play from somewhere off-camera, and then Haruhi opened her mouth...

"_NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP~..._"

The President's eyebrows rose until they were nearly off his forehead. Emiri continued to watch the video play, while tilting her head to the side.

"Hmmmm..." mused Emiri. "I believe that we're being Rickro-"

Whatever Emiri had been planning to say was cut off as the Student Council President slammed his fist onto his desk. He turned to face his secretary, fire in his eyes.

"It's worse than that, Kimidori!" he spat. "WE'VE BEEN **_HARUHIROLLED_**!"

"...What."

* * *

**A/N: I honestly believe Haruhi would do that to someone. It seems like something she would force the Brigade to help her out with. Oh, yeah, the image I was talking about was Haruhi wearing Vegeta's scanner. It was hilarious.**

**Tune in next time for:**

**Captain Planet!**

**Star Wars!**

**Blimps!**

**Review, Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	10. Captain Churuya, Star Wars, and Blimps

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Credit goes to my sister for helping me come up with the first one. Enjoy.**

**

* * *

****Captain Churuya:**

The SOS Brigade was at the beach, just generally having a good time with each other. They were all lying on their towels trying to soak up some rays, when something completely awful and just plain unexpected occurred!

A ship carrying a supply of oil crashed right into the rocks. Already, its hull was sporting a gaping hole in its side, causing a massive amount of oil to gush out. The crude liquid was already spilling onto the shore and staining it black. Nearby beach-goers fled in terror!

"Oh, no!" cried Haruhi, "A nasty oil spill has threatened to poison the environment! There's only one thing we can do!"

"Why, whatever do you mean, Haruhi?" questioned Kyon. Haruhi turned and gave him her best morale-boosting stare.

"Elementary, my dear Kyon! Everybody, put on your rings! It's time to call you-know-who!" bellowed Haruhi.

Immediately, the five friends each took out a ring (from inside their bathing suits?) and placed them on their fingers. Haruhi had a red ring, Kyon had a green one, Yuki had a white one, Itsuki wore a blue one, and Mikuru's ring was yellow.

"Together now, everyone! Let our powers combine!" called out Haruhi. The five friends placed their ring hands together, while an upbeat, instrumental tune began to play from out of nowhere.

"EARTH!" yelled Kyon.

"FIRE!" yelled Haruhi.

"WIND!" yelled Yuki.

"WATER!" yelled Itsuki.

"HEART!" yelled Mikuru.

"GO, PLANET!" they all shouted together. Five beams of light shot out of the rings; each one was the same color as ring it emerged from. The beams quickly formed into a large ball of light. Suddenly, a voice could be heard from inside the ball.

"WHEN YOUR POWERS COMBINE- I AM CAPTAIN CHURUYA!" said a high-pitched voice.

The light faded, and instead of the Silver Surfer's gay twin brother standing there, was someone entirely different.

Churuya.

Wearing an outfit that could only be described as a red and blue leotard. Haruhi and the others wore looks that clearly said 'WTF!'.

"Churuya! What the hell are you doing here!" screamed Haruhi.

"Oh, well you see Gaia needed the Captain's help to eliminate global warming. It's taking a lot longer to fix, though. So while he's away, I've been assigned to handle all his duties. Isn't that great?" explained Churuya, jumping up and down excitedly.

"Churuya," cut in Kyon, "I don't mean to sound rude, but... Can you do anything at all?"

"Of course, Kyon!" chirped Churuya. The chibi turned towards a nearby restroom and headed inside. She returned moments later, carrying a bucket of soapy, hot water in one hand and a squeegee in the other.

"Time to get to work!" she cheered, dipping the squeegee in the bucket. Churuya then proceeded to wipe down an oil-covered rock near the shore. She managed to remove a small layer of oil, albeit at the speed of hot fudge being squeezed from a bottle. Kyon and Haruhi watched for a full minute, before Kyon turned to Haruhi.

"Wanna grab a cheeseburger?"

"Ehh, sure."

The five teens trudged away, leaving Churuya to her work.

"Get me one, too!" called Churuya. "Ask if they can put smoked cheese on mine!"

She went back to scrubbing the rock, when an oil-filled wave splashed against it, once again covering it in the thick fluid.

"Nyoro~n."

* * *

**Time Wars:**

Mikuru quickly unlocked the door to her apartment and rushed inside. She had received a phone call from Kyon, saying that Sasaki's group of followers had launched a preemptive strike against Itsuki's agency and Yuki's fellow Humanoid Interfaces. It wouldn't be long before her group called for assistance from the future.

Throwing open the door to her closet, Mikuru threw aside some costumes Haruhi had bought her, and came up with a shoe box hidden under them all.

Mikuru took off the lid and grabbed a small machine that resembled a cross between a wrist watch and an alarm clock. It was her TPDD. Smiling, Mikuru prepared to activate the device and transport herself, when...

"Hold it right there!" snarled an angry voice from right behind her.

Mikuru recognized the voice immediately, and tried to press the button that would send her into the future, only to have her TPDD slapped away by a rough hand. She spun around, her brown eyes meeting with a pair of equally brown ones.

"You!" cried Mikuru.

"Yes, me," chuckled Fujiwara.

He was now gripping her shoulder roughly with one hand, and clutching some sort of gun in his other hand. It was silver, with neon-blue stripes on both sides, and an over-sized barrel. Mikuru would have instantly thought it was a children's toy, if she hadn't seen them in action before.

"Took me awhile to track you down," Fujiwara said, while pointing the weapon at Mikuru's skull, "Now if you don't want me to put a sixth hole somewhere in your body, you'll come with me, nice and easy. I really don't want to hurt you. My friends and I only want to ask you a few questions."

Mikuru's reply was a swift elbow to Fujiwara's stomach, which caused his grip to slacken. Mikuru seized the opportunity to ram him with her shoulder, which caused Fujiwara's gun to fall out of his hand. It landed on the floor with a clatter.

When Fujiwara recovered, _he_ was the one looking straight down the barrel of a gun.

"Don't make me shoot!" shouted Mikuru. The fear in her voice was evident.

He sneered at her. "You don't have the backbone to fire that weapon, now do you?"

She began shaking as he came a bit closer to her. "I really m-m-mean it! I'll s-shoot!"

A suddenly serious look spread over Fujiwara's face, replacing the mocking look he had earlier. He locked eyes with Mikuru.

"Your superiors never told you what happened to your father," he said.

Mikuru blinked; a buried memory in her brain began to rise.

"They told me enough!" she growled. "They told me you killed him!"

Fujiwara came even closer to Mikuru, until the gun's barrel was touching his chest. He was now close enough to touch her face.

"No, Mikuru," Fujiwara solemnly spoke. "...I am your father."

Deep, instrumental music began to play out of nowhere. Mikuru's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and her jaw dropped to the floor.

"No, no... It's not true! That's impossible!"

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Nooooooooooooo..."

* * *

**The (Sorta) Death of Haruhi Suzumiya:**

The SOS Brigade were walking together from school after a club meeting. Kyon was in a hurry to get home and watch an episode of Lucky Star that he had TiVo'd, but unfortunately for him, the rest of the Brigade had decided to tag along. And to make matters worse, Haruhi was blathering on about all the new outfits she would force Mikuru to wear next week.

"I think she would look really good in a cat suit! With the ears and a little tail! Oh! Maybe another animal costume would be better! Mikuru, you like butterflies, right?" Haruhi sweetly asked a shivering Mikuru.

"Haruhi, cut it out. School's over and Miss Asahina deserves some rest, okay?" suggested Kyon.

"Oh, come on, Kyon! I thought you of all people would want to see Mikuru in a cute little outfit. Plus, Brigade activities end when I say so!" Haruhi cried, rather rudely. The group was now standing in front of a busy intersection and waiting for the light to change to green.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm going home now. See ya," said Kyon, turning away to leave. He stopped only when Haruhi grabbed the back of his collar and pulled him backwards. Yuki, Itsuki, and Mikuru looked on warily.

"Don't walk away, when I'm talking to you!" Haruhi pouted. She gave another rough tug.

"Let go of me!" Kyon growled, flailing his arms about. In his throes, Kyon accidentally pushed Haruhi away. The sudden action caught her off guard and she stumbled...

Right off the curb and into the street.

"LOOK OUT, MISS SUZUMIYA!" screamed Mikuru.

Haruhi looked to her right and saw a truck carrying watermelons coming straight at her, the driver already trying to hit the brakes. Haruhi quickly dashed out of harm's way, but in her fear, she accidentally rushed further out onto the road.

Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki watched in amazement as Haruhi dodged a motorcycle, a scooter, a bus full of tourists, a tanker truck, a car transporting antique swords, and a truck carrying sharks to the local aquarium. Before they knew it, Haruhi was on the sidewalk across from her friends, and off the street.

"WOO-HOO! I LIVE!" she cried, pumping a fist into the air.

And that's when a blimp fell from the sky and crushed Haruhi Suzumiya.

**Three Days Later... **

Haruhi opened her eyes and saw that she was in a hospital room. She was wearing a gown and lying in a comfy bed. Groaning, the tsundere stepped out her bed shakily. It was then that Haruhi noticed that her ribbon and armband were lying on a small nightstand next to her. She was just in the middle of putting them on, when a nurse came into the room.

"Oh! You're awake! Wonderful!" the nurse cried with relief.

"W-What happened to me?" asked Haruhi.

"Oh, right. You probably don't even remember. You've been in a coma for three days. You were hit by a blimp!"

"I WAS HIT BY A WHAT?"

The nurse quickly explained what had happened: The blimp had been soaring high above the city and had crashed right down into the street below because of a failing engine. Surprisingly, Haruhi was the only one who had been injured; everyone else had received minor cuts and bruises. The doctors and nurses had actually believed Haruhi was a lost cause; her recovery caused more than a few trained professionals to scratch their heads in confusion. Her doctor actually did a double take upon entering the room to see what the nurse had called him in for.

An hour later, Haruhi's parents were swamping their child with hugs and kisses, much to her displeasure. As they were paying her hospital bill, Haruhi saw four familiar figures sitting in the waiting room.

"GUYS! You came to see me!" yelled an ecstatic Haruhi, rushing forward to her friends. Instead of receiving looks of happiness and joy, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki all gave Haruhi looks of surprise and fear. Haruhi didn't seem to notice though.

"H-H-Haruhi, you're a-a-alive?" stammered Kyon, who looked suddenly ill.

"Yup! It takes a lot more than a wimpy blimp to take me out!" Haruhi bragged, puffing out her chest.

"We t-thought you were d-d-dead..." muttered Mikuru, who had a tone of disappointment to her voice.

"Yes, your injures did seem to be quite serious. We didn't know what to believe..." said Itsuki. During Haruhi's _accident_, Itsuki and the others were quite sure the world would end. But for those three days, the world had actually seemed much _more_ peaceful than it already was. The smile he was currently sporting looked a bit more forced than usual.

"We assumed you had perished," deadpanned Yuki. She looked a lot more dead in the face than she had always been.

"Ha ha ha ha! Oh, you guys kill me!" laughed Haruhi, grabbing the boy, time-traveler, esper, and alien in a bear-hug. She obviously wasn't picking up on their true feelings about her revival.

"Hey, what's that?" Haruhi said, pointing at a pink box that was resting in Mikuru's arms.

"We brought a cake. We were going to eat it after we made sure you were worm food," said Kyon bluntly. Haruhi didn't seem to hear him.

Opening up the box, the reality-warper saw that the box did indeed contain a cake. It was square, with white frosting, blue frosting lining the sides, and right in the center was a message written completely in red icing that said, "DING-DONG! THE WITCH IS DEAD!".

"Sweet!" squealed Haruhi, sticking a finger into the cake and into her mouth. "Ooh, chocolate! My favorite! You guys are the best! Let's take this to Yuki's apartment and have a party! I'll go ask my parents for permission. Wait here, okay?" She grabbed the box from Mikuru's arms and headed off towards her parents. Kyon and the others just stood there in silence.

Seconds later, Mikuru broke down and lay on the floor sobbing in the fetal position.

* * *

**A/N: I really enjoyed writing this chapter. Credit goes to leonazo for the Star Wars idea (even though it was a joke. LOL).**

**Stay tuned for another chapter! It will only have one story though. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	11. TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Blame TV Tropes for this one, folks. They just HAD to have a section called Memetic Molester with a hilarious picture of Haruhi; and I JUST HAD to see it by accident. Try to enjoy this without cringing too much. Contains A LOT of OOCness and breaking the 4th wall. Just thought I'd warn you all.**

**

* * *

****Will the Real Memetic Molester, Please Stand Up?:**

It was a relatively pleasant day in the SOS Brigade clubroom. Haruhi was browsing the internet, Kyon was doing some Algebra homework, and Itsuki was sipping some tea with honey in it. Yuki had gone next door to help the Computer Club with a new game and Mikuru had rushed out to get some more tea leaves.

All was well, until Haruhi let out a loud, boisterous laugh from behind the computer.

"Ha, ha, ha! Once again, I reign supreme over the internet!" proclaimed Haruhi. This caught Kyon's attention.

"What are you so happy about?"

"Come over here, Kyon! You're about to see something great!"

Kyon trudged over to Haruhi and saw that see was on a website called "TV Tropes". He'd heard of that before. The site was filled with details on plots, character types, genres, and just about virtually anything on categorization. Kyon had many hours of his life eaten by this site in the past.

"What am I looking at?" asked Kyon.

Haruhi jabbed a finger at the title of the page she was on. "Look!"

Kyon squinted his eyes at the title which read 'Memetic Molester'. There was also a picture of Haruhi making her trademark evil face. Beneath it was a caption that read 'IT'S RAPE TIME!'. He gaped in complete surprise.

"What the fuck is this!?" Kyon shouted, causing Haruhi to glare at him.

"THIS Kyon... is the newest title of yours truly! So far, I've been a 'Genki Girl', a 'Depraved Bisexual', an 'Ice Queen', and a 'Jerk With a Heart of Gold'. I am now qualified to be a trope namer! Isn't that wonderful!" Haruhi smiled joyously.

"YOUR'E ACTUALLY PROUD OF THIS CRAP!?!?" Kyon exclaimed, slack-jawed.

"Why can't you ever be happy for me!? I go through all the trouble of making it on the TV Tropes list of famous Memetic Molesters and you don't even show me a shred of kindness! What's up with that, huh?"

Upon hearing the words, Memetic Molester, Itsuki stopped drinking his tea and spat it across the room. He spun to face Haruhi and Kyon, bewilderment in his eyes.

"WHAAAAATTTTT!?!? IF THERE'S ANYONE ON THIS SHOW WHO DESERVES TO BE ON THAT LIST, IT'S GOTTA BE ME!!! NOT YOU!!!" Itsuki yelled at the top of his lungs.

"O RLY?" said Haruhi, making Kyon quirk an eyebrow at Haruhi's choice of words.

"YA RLY!" said Itsuki, making him and Haruhi resemble certain birds from a certain internet meme. Kyon slapped his forehead in annoyance. Couldn't they just have a regular day for once?

"Why do you think you'd make a better 'Memetic Molester', hmmm?" asked Haruhi, while she circled Itsuki like a hungry shark.

The esper gave a hearty chuckle. "Quite simple. If people are accosted by a female sex offender, then it's sexy. However, if it's a man doing it, then it's incredibly disturbing. Being a true Memetic Molester is all about being creepy. Plus, only Xemnas of the Kingdom Hearts series and I can only pull off this look."

Itsuki then proceeded to give Haruhi a very freaky Pedo Smile; which involved him tilting his head to the left, opening his eyes halfway, and exposing his teeth in a crocodile smile. Kyon cringed; he'd seen that look enough times in his life to know that would scare anyone. Except Haruhi.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! You call that scary? That wouldn't even startle Mikuru! Fine then! We'll settle this with a contest. Bring somebody pure of heart to startle with your perverseness! I shall do the same. We'll meet back here in two hours. And by the end of the day, we'll both know who the REAL Memetic Molester is! ....ME!" proclaimed Haruhi.

"All right! You're on, Miss Suzumiya!" The esper and the goddess then shook hands to seal the deal. Kyon was horrified beyond belief.

"DON'T SHAKE HANDS! THAT JUST MAKES THIS ENTIRE THING EVEN WORSE THAN IT ALREADY IS!!!" he screeched. But the two were already rushing out the door to the clubroom.

Kyon then proceeded to bang his head against the nearest wall, repeatedly.

**An Hour Later.... **

Kyon was still in the clubroom when Itsuki returned. Why Kyon just didn't leave right then and there is anybody's guess.

"Ah! Looks like I got here first! Kyon, meet the person who's going to help me win this contest!" Itsuki said excitedly, while stepping aside to reveal a young girl. Kyon recognized her instantly. He had written about her in an essay for a Literary Club assignment. She was around his sister's age, but looked a lot older.

"Wait a second........ IS THAT MY SISTER'S SCHOOL FRIEND, MIYOKO!?" Kyon yelled.

Itsuki grinned. "She sure is!"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?"

"W-What am I doing here?" Miyoko asked, clearly scared out of her wits. "I was at a friend's house when this weird guy took me! Y-Y-You're not g-g-gonna hurt me are you?"

"Of course not! We just need your help with a contest I'm having with a friend!" said Itsuki.

Miyoko looked surprised. "Oh? What kind of contest?"

"I need you to see if I'm more capable of harboring pedophilic tendencies!" chirped Itsuki.

"EXCUSE ME!?" said a flabbergasted Miyoko.

Luckily (or unluckily), Itsuki's explanation was interrupted by the clubroom door opening. Kyon saw that it was Haruhi. She was holding someone's hand, but Kyon's view was blocked by the door.

"Sorry to keep you all waiting!" Haruhi said, beaming. She pulled her unfortunate victim into the room.

"HARUHI! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SISTER!?!?" howled an enraged Kyon.

"Winning this contest, that's what I'm doing! YOUR'E GOING DOWN, KOIZMUMI!" crowed Haruhi.

"Fat chance, Suzumiya!" Itsuki shouted back.

"I AM GOING TO KILL BOTH OF YOU IN THE MOST PAINFUL WAYS POSSIBLE, IF YOU DO ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE TO THESE KIDS," warned Kyon, whose face was now red as a tomato. Haruhi and Itsuki still ignored him.

"Hi, big brother!" Kyon's sister said, waving to him. "Haruhi came by our house and said she needed my help with something important! I wanted to go ask mom for permission, but Haruhi said if I came without making any noises, she would give me candy! Isn't that nice of her?"

Kyon's jaw fell to the floor. It took an inhumanly amount of willpower for him not to stomp over to Haruhi and snap her neck like chicken to be used for gumbo.

"YOU KIDNAPPED MY LITTLE SISTER AND BRIBED HER WITH CANDY!?!? WHAT THE HELL, HARUHI??!! IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU!?" Kyon roared. They ignored him. Again. He might as well be Yuki.

"All right then," said Haruhi, rubbing her hands together, while grinning demonically, "I'll let you go first, Koizumi. Try not to lose too fast!"

Itsuki smirked. "I don't intend to lose!"

The esper flexed his neck muscles a bit, before he kneeled down to face Miyoko. The poor girl was shaking in fear; she obviously had no idea what was going on.

"Now, Miyoko..." said Itsuki, soothingly. "Does this frighten you?"

He then did the look he had done earlier in the clubroom, only the creepiness factor was amplified by the fact that Itsuki was holding right hand in front of his chin with his index finger raised, giving him the appearance of a child rapist. Miyoko flinched a little, but didn't seem that terrified. Haruhi gave a high-pitched laugh, which caused Itsuki to frown.

"Oh, come on! This face doesn't scare you? Any sensible person would be terrified by this facial expression!" he said, angrily. Miyoko seemed to get angry as well.

"I'm twelve years old, you moron!" she yelled.

Itsuki blinked at this. "Really?"

"Yes, I am!"

"Huh... I thought you were six..."

NOW Miyoko looked scared. Haruhi continued laughing for a few minutes, before she regained her composure and went over to the younger sibling of Kyon.

"Oh, sure! She looked REALLY afraid of your smile! Now watch how a real Memetic Molester strikes fear into her victims!" the goddess jeered. She turned to Kyon's sister.

_Crap! _thought Kyon, _Haruhi will traumatize my sister for life, if I don't do something fast! ...Wait! I got it! I am a genius!_

As Kyon started to dial a number on his cell phone, Haruhi was kneeling down in order to face his sister. The poor kid had no clue about her ulterior motive...

"Okay, Kyon's sis, I'm going to make a spooky face and I want your opinion on it. Understand?" asked Haruhi. In response, Kyon's sister nodded enthusiastically.

"Good!" said Haruhi. Sending a sneer in Itsuki's direction, she then sent the most epic rapeface ever made in the direction of Kyon's sister. It involved her eyes narrowing to the point of looking like the eyes of the Velociraptors in Jurassic Park, her hair was slightly spilling over the majority of her forehead providing a serial killer-like look, and she wore a smile that was most commonly seen on a snake before it swallowed its helpless prey. It was truly terrifying...

But not to Kyon's sister.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's a really funny face, Haruhi!" she giggled. Haruhi's face of victory died instantly.

"Funny? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? THAT WAS MY BEST RAPEFACE EVER! I put my heart and soul into it! That look wasn't supposed to be funny! It was supposed to say "Prepare yourself for a semen-stained death in my basement of doom!"! Not be funny! What's wrong with you?!" Haruhi whined. Itsuki was laughing his ass off.

"Well... She laughed, so it looks like I win!" swaggered Itsuki. Haruhi gave him a venomous glare and stomped up to him.

"What do you mean you win? My contestant was younger, so it was more disturbing. Your helper looks like she could be fifteen! And she wasn't even that scared!" Haruhi snarled, jabbing her left index finger into Itsuki's chest.

"At least she didn't laugh at me like a clown!" Itsuki rebuffed.

Kyon's sister and Miyoko shuffled over to Kyon's side. Both of them looked scared out of their minds. Kyon had his eyes on the door to the clubroom. Any moment now....

_Knock, knock knock!_

_Perfect... _thought Kyon.

Haruhi stopped verbally assaulting Itsuki and walked up to the door to answer it. When she did, she was surprised to see a well-dressed gentleman holding a microphone accompanied by a man holding a camera, two police officers, and Miyoko and Kyon's parents.

"Can we help you?" asked Haruhi.

"Yes, you can," said the man. "Haruhi Suzumiya and Itsuki Koizumi, my name is Chris Hansen. I'm from Dateline NBC and I have a few questions for you two......"

**Two Hours Later... **

Tsuruya was lying on her couch at her house and eating smoked-cheese cubes on toothpicks, when all of a sudden, her cell phone rang.

"What's going on?" Tsuruya said cheerfully into the receiver.

"TSURUYA, CAN YOU PAY OUR BAIL??? ME AND KOIZUMI ARE IN JAIL, AND KYON WON'T HELP US BECAUSE HE'S BEING A PRICK!!!" yelled Haruhi on the other end.

Tsuruya's happy-go-lucky attitude instantly vanished and was replaced with rage. "GOD DAMN IT, HARUHI!!! THIS IS THE THRID TIME THIS MONTH THIS HAS HAPPENED!!!" Tsuruya snarled before hanging up.

Getting up from her cozy spot on the couch, Tsuruya stormed out of her living room to go tell her parents so they would tell Itsuki's Agency friends. They were always pulling strings for him.

Sometimes she wondered why she put herself through this crap every month. The family doctor would have a field day when he checked her blood pressure......

* * *

**A/N: Haruhi and Itsuki have the scariest facial expressions of any character on their show. But they're also the funniest. **

**Tune in next time for:**

**Scooby-Doo!**

**Barney!**

**And another cameo!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	12. KyonDoo, Barnuhi, and Ashakura

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: The first one is loosely based on a Scooby-Doo parody comic I read in a MAD magazine. It was pretty funny... Oh, my god, I'm making a parody of a parody. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME! I might very well end up doing a spoof of an actual episode from it eventually, so hang tight for a while. a Long while. **

**Also, there's a bit of a (crack) pairing in it somewhere. Can you spot it? It contains a tsundere and someone... quiet. **

**

* * *

**

**The Melancholy of Scooby-Doo:**

The SOS Brigade was stuffed into a tacky, green van and driving down a lonely road through a misty forest. Yup, nothing foreboding about this place.

"Well, gang," said Itsuki, who was driving and wearing a red ascot for some reason, "looks like we're almost to Woodstock! Who's excited?"

"We are..." Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki halfheartedly cheered. Truth be told, the only one excited about the trip was Itsuki. The Agency had provided the tickets for this little venture, and Itsuki had insisted on taking everyone else along, much to their chagrin.

"Can we pull over yet? My legs are asleep," complained Haruhi, who was wearing baggy pants and a green shirt. Also, Mikuru had a purple dress, Yuki was clad in a tacky, orange turtleneck, and Kyon...

"Why the fuck am I dressed as a dog?" deadpanned a rather pissed-off Kyon. "I'm not a freaking furry..."

"I told you guys already. People are gonna wear costumes! Ohhh, I can't wait 'til we get there! We are gonna get so high!" said a grinning Itsuki. Everyone else just looked at the esper like he had just lost his mind. Which he had.

Suddenly, there was a loud _**THUD**_ as the van struck something. Mikuru screamed like a banshee as Itsuki pulled to a stop. The gang filed out of the van to see what they had hit. Kyon took out a flashlight and looked around.

"Oh, my god," said Kyon as his flashlight came across a large shape in front of the van. It was a body. A man's body. Judging by his clothing, Kyon assumed he was a farmer. And the pool of blood around his head assured Kyon that he wouldn't be getting up any time soon.

"EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!" screamed Mikuru. "We killed someone! What are we going to do? Do you know what will happen to me in jail? I'll be made into someone's bitch! REPEATEDLY! Oh, god, oh, god, oh, go-"

_**SLAP! **_

"Get a hold of yourself, Asahina," Itsuki said calmly after bitch-slapping the time-traveler. She shrank back in fear. Kyon, Haruhi, and Yuki all wore faces of complete surprise at his actions.

"Now, everyone, a man has died tonight. It is unknown to us whether he had friends or loved ones waiting for him somewhere. But alas, they will never see him again. So, I purpose we do what is right: give the poor fellow a decent burial out here in the woods. Okay? Everybody got that? Excellent!" Itsuki said rather merrily.

Unfortunately for Itsuki, Haruhi begged to differ.

"ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. "WE JUST KILLED SOMEBODY! AND YOU EXPECT US TO JUST HIDE HIM AND FORGET ABOUT IT! WHAT THE HELL?"

Yuki stepped forward. "I agree with Miss Suzumiya. It is better for us to go to the authorities and give ourselves a chance to explain. If we bury the body, we would only be incriminating ourselves even further. Some things shouldn't be kept as secrets."

Itsuki seemed to consider this as he turned away from the group, hands behind his back. "Hmm, I suppose you two have a point. Some things shouldn't be kept as secrets. You two would know the best. Am I right?"

Haruhi and Yuki appeared to be confused. So did Kyon and Mikuru.

"Secrets are bad. Nasty, icky, awful things. It be better if everyone got rid of their secrets, huh? For example, I have a secret of my own. It involves me accidently stumbling across Nagato and Miss Suzumiya sleeping together in our van, when we were all stranded in that abandoned mansion that one night. Remember that? It was dreadfully cold that night wasn't it? We all went to same room to sleep together? Miss Suzumiya went for a drink of water? Nagato thought she heard a noise and went to investigate? And it was so scary on the way back, that the two of them decided to keep each company in the van? I recall there being no blankets in the van, so I decided to bring them a blanket. Imagine my surprise, when I saw that the two of them had found _another way_ of keeping themselves warm. Should I tell my secret? I feel that I should. What do you think, Miss Suzumiya?" asked Itsuki with a smile that could curdle milk.

Haruhi had a rather indistinguishable look on her face. It looked like a combination of anger, embarrassment, and fear. Yuki eyes had widened to the size of baseballs, and were darting back and forth from Itsuki to Haruhi. Suddenly, Haruhi spoke to Itsuki.

"Secrets are good. Really good. Nothing happened here tonight. Nothing at all."

"Good. Now get me a shovel."

As the five individuals headed towards the back of van, Mikuru noticed something.

"Ummmmm... Koizumi?"

"Yes, Miss Asahina?"

"Just the five of us are on this trip, right?"

"Yes."

"T-T-Then who are they?"

Itsuki turned and saw several large figures occupying the empty vehicle. Within moments, the van was roaring away down the road, leaving the SOS Brigade stranded.

"WHO THE FUCK WERE THEY?" yelled a shocked Itsuki.

Kyon squinted his eyes. "I don't know, but... it looked like a ninja, a dragon, a zombie, a pirate, and a fairy princess?"

In the van, Taniguchi, Kunkida, the Computer Club President, Ryoko Asakura, and Emiri Kimidori were laughing their heads off.

"ALL RIGHT!" screamed Taniguchi. "MINOR CHARACTERS GOING TO WOODSTOCK!"

Much partying ensued.

* * *

**Haruhi and Friends:**

**(The following lyrics were sung by children. Really!)**

_Haruhi is the god of this world, who likes to play pretend!_

_Afterschool we meet to play,_

_We like to play pretend!_

_Haruhi likes to play with us, whenever we may need her,_

_We can't think of another word that rhymes with the word pretend!_

_Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dun!_

After the dreadful singing mercifully stopped, we are treated to Haruhi's face appearing on a television set in a random house. The very sight was pretty much sure to give any child of any age a conniption.

"Hiya, kids!" Haruhi greeted happily. "It's me, your best friend in the whole world! Haruhi Suzumiya! We're gonna have a great day, won't we?" Loud cheering was heard off-screen.

Haruhi smiled to herself. "I'm glad you're all excited! I'm excited, too! Today we're going to spell the word 'blue'! Won't that be fun?"

Children cheered loudly and enthusiastically. Haruhi was now wearing a smile that would most likely belong on Itsuki Koizumi or an escaped mental-patient. Try to picture it without having a nightmare later tonight.

"Great! But first, it's time to play Haruhi Says! Okay, here we go! Haruhi says to go and get your parents and have them send all your money to me~! Ha ha ha ha ha h-"

**BLINK.**

Haruhi's laughter was cut short, as the T.V. she was on was turned off.

"Geez..." said Kyon's sister from inside her living room. "PBS really WILL give anybody their own show."

"Meow," agreed Shamisen.

"You said it."

* * *

**Impossible:**

"Are we there yet? I'm hungry!"

"Hush!"

Ryoko Asakura had a problem. A little problem. Ever since she'd been rebooted by the Integrated Data Thought Entity (or the IDTE for short), she'd been staying with Emiri Kimidori, and keeping touch with Yuki Nagato. Keeping tabs on Haruhi Suzumiya's emotional state wasn't an easy job, but it was manageable. However, she was completely unprepared for what happened this morning...

"I'M STARVING!"

"Be quiet! People are staring! I'd said I'd buy you something to eat, so shut up!"

"...'Kay."

If any of Ryoko's many admirers saw her right now, they would notice an angry scowl on her face instead of her lovely smile, and what appeared to be a baby wrapped up in a blanket in her arms.

But a closer look would reveal in fact, that it was definitely not a baby.

Ryoko was holding a fun-sized version of herself, that looked exactly like her. It even had a school uniform like hers. The only difference was that it possessed limbs like a Powerpuff Girl and had a cartoony face. Ryoko had found her in her closet and was understandably confused. She didn't know whether it was another Humanoid Interface or a deformed child. Ryoko was _sure _she'd remember being pregnant.

Emiri wasn't there at the time, so Ryoko couldn't ask her for her input on the situation. The thing had a voice like hers, except at a much higher pitch, and was screaming its head off about being hungry. Unfortunately, humanoid interfaces didn't need to eat in order to survive, which meant there wasn't any food in the apartment.

So in order to save her eardrums, Ryoko decided to go down to the bakery near the apartment in order to buy something that would shut up her clone. The mini-Ryoko had insisted on going along; mainly because big Ryoko didn't know what it would want. Which led to the baby disguise.

Once the crowd of people in front of Ryoko had dispersed, she felt it was time to ask a few questions.

"So... What's your name?" asked Ryoko, in a voice that sounded like she was asking about someone's new shoes.

"My name?" replied the duplicate, furrowing its giant eyebrows in thought.

_Dear, lord, it has my eyebrows,_ thought a disturbed Ryoko.

"Oh, yeah! My name! It's Ashakura. Pleased to meet you!" squeaked the chibi blunette.

Ryoko mentally face-palmed at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.

"Where are you from?"

"I don't know!"

"Do you have any parents?"

"Huh? Aren't you my mother?"

NOW Ryoko was starting to get nervous. Soon, the duo reached the bakery and ducked inside. Moments later, Ryoko and Ashakura returned, with the latter munching on an éclair. As Ryoko wondered how she would explain her new friend to Emiri, she bumped into someone by accident.

"I'm sorry!" she apologized, before noticing she actually knew the person. It was that girl with the fang at school. What was her name again?

"Hey, Asakura! It's me, Tsuruya! Nice to see you again!" the green-haired girl greeted loudly.

"Hello, Tsuruya," said Ryoko happily. It was then that Tsuruya noticed the bundle in Ryoko's arms. A look of surprise appeared on her face.

_Crap! How am I going to explain this to her? _thought the class representative in fear.

"Hey!" said Tsuruya excitedly. "You got one, too?"

"Huh?" Ryoko was confused until she looked down and saw that Tsuruya also had a bundle in her arms. Except, that this bundle had a small green-haired girl in it. She was eating a block of cheese.

Ashakura looked up from her éclair, and gasped in surprise. "You!" she cried in alarm. "You're that imposter!"

* * *

**A/N: NEXT TIME ON THIS DUMB FANFICTION:**

**Kyon... and pick-up lines? **

**DUN DUN DUN!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	13. Kyon is a Playa

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Watch my friends, as I undergo a mission to kill Kyon's character. Wish me luck! And by the way, these are all actual pick-up lines I've heard from friends, family, and from the internet. Just in case any of you were wondering. Enjoy the exploits of a more perverted and corny Kyon!**

**

* * *

****Kyon da Pimp:**

_**-Haruhi-**_

Haruhi had just finished updating the latest bits of new additions to the SOS Brigade's website. She was the only one in the clubroom and getting ready to leave, when all of a sudden, she felt a small tap on her left shoulder. Somewhat freaked out and surprised that she wasn't alone, she spun around to face the intruder.

She couldn't believe her eyes.

Kyon was standing there... dressed like a pirate. He had the black hat with the white skull and cross-bones, a green plastic parrot on his shoulder, a plastic sword in his hand (which was the thing that had been used to jab her shoulder), and his other hand was poised in the shape of a traditional pirate hook.

"Hello there, HAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRuhi!" he greeted, purposely stretching out the syllables in her name.

"Kyon! Why the hell are you dressed like that?" asked a puzzled Haruhi.

"Isn't it obvious?" he said happily, leaning closer to her face. "I'm a love pirate and I'm after your _booty_."

A minute later, Kyon was running away with a plastic parrot in his mouth, before Haruhi could stick the sword where X marks the spot.

_**-Mikuru-**_

Mikuru was serving Kyon some of her delicious tea, when Kyon spoke up to her. "Hey, Miss Asahina? I have something I want to show you."

"Really? What is it?" the curious maid asked.

Kyon reached into his backpack and pulled something out. Mikuru couldn't see it because Kyon had both of his hands covering it.

The cynic then beckoned her to come over. "Look, Miss Asahina." Mikuru watched as Kyon opened his hands and revealed- absolutely nothing. She was pretty confused.

"Ummm... What is it?" Mikuru shyly asked.

Kyon smiled chivalrously. "It's my breath from when you took it away."

"...What?"

_**-Yuki-**_

Kyon and Yuki were walking together from school, when Yuki suddenly remembered something.

"I want to go to the library," she said to Kyon out of the blue.

Kyon smiled at the petite girl. "Sure."

The duo arrived at the library after a few minutes of walking. Just as Yuki placed her hand on the door to enter the building, Kyon stopped her.

"Wait, Nagato! You can't go in there!" he warned. Yuki gave Kyon a blank look.

"Why not?" questioned the alien.

"Because, Nagato," he said with a charming smile. "You'll set off the sprinkler system from being _way_ too hot."

Yuki blinked at Kyon a few times before saying, "My body temperature is currently at a setting that is similar to that of a normal human being."

And then she went into the library without him.

_**-Tsuruya-**_

Tsuruya spun in a little circle, showing off her new waitress outfit to Kyon, Taniguchi, and Kunikida during the school festival.

"What do you guys think? Doesn't it look megas good on me, nyoro?" asked Tsuruya with a giggle. Both Taniguchi and Kunikida had blushes on their faces and said nothing. Kyon however, stepped forward.

"That outfit looks really good on you, Tsuruya," said Kyon.

"Really?" said Tsuruya happily.

"It does. In fact..." whispered Kyon as he bent forward towards her ear. "I think it would look much better on the floor of my bedroom."

Seconds later, Kyon found out that Tsuruya was a master of the martial arts the hard way. Taniguchi and Kunikida made sure to remember that.

_**-Ryoko-**_

Kyon was heading home and minding his own business, when he bumped into Ryoko outside the school.

"Hello, Kyon," said the blue-haired alien, smiling like she always did.

"Nice to see you, Asakura," responded the teen. They began to walk with each other down the lonely sidewalk.

The two of them were on good terms ever since Yuki had rebooted Ryoko, so Kyon was enjoying the feeling of not being gutted like a fish. During that time, however, Kyon noticed that Ryoko was actually kind of sexy when she wasn't trying to kill anyone. Namely him.

"Hey, Asakura," Kyon said, trying to start a conversation. She turned to him as they walked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yes, Kyon?" asked Ryoko.

"Do you still have your old knife?"

"No, Kyon. Nagato deleted it, remember? Why do you ask?"

"Because..." At this point Kyon grabbed Ryoko's left hand and placed it over his heart. She quite looked surprised for once.

"I wanted to know if you could use it to carve out a path to my heart, beautiful." Kyon flashed her a charming smile.

Ryoko's face went from surprise to her usual, unwavering, warm smile. Kyon smiled warmly, too.

Then he noticed the glint of metal appearing in her other hand and knew that it was time to skedaddle.

_**-Emiri-**_

Emiri was finishing some paperwork at her desk, when a shadow fell over her. Looking up, she saw that it was Kyon.

"Good afternoon, Kyon," Emiri said brightly. "Do you have an appointment with the student government?"

"Actually, no. I am here to see you, Kimidori," replied Kyon politely. He then placed both of his hands upon her desk so that he could stare into her eyes.

"Oh? Why's that?" she asked innocently.

"I wanted to ask you if the Integrated Data Thought Entity is a master thief," Kyon answered, with a hint of mystery.

Emiri blinked a few times in bewilderment. "Err... Why would you want to ask me a question like that?"

"Because it's obvious that it stole the sparkle from all of the stars in the sky and put them in your eyes," Kyon said in a voice as smooth as silk. Emiri now wore a smile that was as sweet as sugar.

Then she told Kyon to leave two seconds later.

_**-Sasaki-**_

Kyon and Sasaki were walking together through the park, just reminiscing about their childhood. That's when Kyon brought something up for conversation.

"Say, Sasaki..." started Kyon in a casual manner. "Is that a new skirt?"

Sasaki looked down at the short, black skirt she usually wore when she went out. It was one of her favorite things to wear.

"Why, no, Kyon. I've always had this skirt. Are you just noticing it now?" Sasaki replied with a lazy grin. Kyon shook his head.

"Actually, no," said Kyon. "I thought it was an astronaut skirt."

"An... astronaut skirt?"

"Yeah, because your ass is out of this world!"

That's when Sasaki told him that she had an errand to run for her mother and hurried away; a dark scowl was already spreading on her face.

_**-Kyouko-**_

"So this is Sasaki's closed space, huh?" Kyon said aloud, observing his new, pale surroundings. In front him, Kyouko Tachibana, Sasaki's esper friend, smiled knowingly.

"Of course it is. It's very peaceful here, don't you agree? Now you see why the power should belong to Sasaki and not Haruhi Suzumiya," explained Kyouko. Kyon seemed to consider this for a moment.

"All right. I'll help you guys. But I get to do something first," said Kyon in a business-like manner.

"Excellent! But what is it you want to do?" asked a beaming Kyouko.

"I want you to let me tell your fortune. I'm a good palm-reader."

Needless to say, Kyouko didn't foresee that kind of request. "Is that all? Well... okay then."

Kyon stepped forward and extended his hands in front of him. Kyouko walked forwards and reached towards Kyon's hands with her own. That's when Kyon took a black marker from his pocket and wrote something on Kyouko's right hand.

"Wha-" said Kyouko as she stared at a bunch of numbers Kyon had scribbled on her hand.

"It's your future, Tachibana! My phone-number!" said a giddy Kyon.

The moment they left the Closed Space and got back to the cafe, Kyouko went into the womens' restroom and washed her hands with water on the hottest setting.

_**-Kuyou-**_

Kuyou Suou stared at Kyon from across the coffee table with unblinking eyes. The two were in Kyouko's apartment, so that Kyon could ask the Sky Canopy Dominion representative any questions he had.

"_What_ is it that_ you wish to ask_ me?_" Kuyou murmured, her head down. Kyon scratched his chin in contemplation. If he was going to ask a question, it would have to be a good one.

Then Kyon thought of one.

"Suou," said Kyon rising up from his chair. He then made his way to the couch where Kuyou was seated and sat to her left. She slowly turned to observe him.

"Is it possible for Humanoid Interfaces like yourselves to give birth to children?" he finished. Kuyou leisurely tilted her head to the side in thought.

"_As far as_ I am_ concerned, Humanoid Interfaces_ manufactured_ by the_ Sky Canopy_Dominion_ are able to engage_in sexual intercourse, but are_incapable of bearing _ a natural-born_ human child. Why do_ you ask?_" answered Kuyou in her robotic voice.

"Well, I always wanted to know if aliens were able to have families and whatnot. It's a shame you can't have kids," said Kyon, leaning over and wrapping his right arm around her small shoulders.

Kuyou blinked a few times as Kyon lowered his smiling face next to hers.

"So... what's say you and I practice a little bit, huh?"

And before he knew it, Kyon was up in the air, and being bashed repeatedly against a wall with a giant tentacle made completely out of black hair that was tightly constricted around his waist.

_**-Fujiwara-**_

Fujiwara had just come back from a meeting with his superiors, and was heading towards the surveillance van he owned. The parking lot was completely devoid of any people, which meant no one was around to see him come out of that portal in the alley. He smirked knowingly.

Just as the sinister time-traveler was reaching into his pants pocket for his keys, he felt a strong hand clamp around his right butt-cheek.

"WHAT THE HELL?" he screamed, whirling around to see his attacker. Then Fujiwara's eyes bugged out of his head.

It was Kyon.

"Y-Y-You just..." the young man started to say with fear in his voice. It was understandable, since Kyon was sporting a smile that resembled a pedophile's. Then he spoke.

"You got a nice seat there. Mind if I use it~?"

And that's when Fujiwara ran for his life.

* * *

**A/N: I debated whether to put Itsuki into this or not, but then again if Kyon tried anything on him, Itsuki would probably jump into his arms. I liked the way this turned out, though. Pervy Kyon is fun to write.**

**Internet memes and a request next chapter!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	14. Attack of the Memes and Invader Yuki

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya**** or a****ny of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: A list of the memes will be at the end for your convenience. Oh, and SubZeroGreymon? Your request is at the end. Enjoy. **

**

* * *

Peanut-butter Mikuru Time:**

Mikuru let out a sigh of relief. Haruhi had gone out to see the Drama Club an hour ago, and she still hadn't come back yet. That meant she wouldn't have to endure any more of the Brigade leader's humiliating abuse. Once the clock announced it was time to go home, Itsuki suggested they wait for Haruhi to get back to the clubroom.

After about ten minutes of waiting, Kyon said something about going home to feed his cat, Yuki decided to head off after him, and Itsuki asked Mikuru to wait for Haruhi before leaving himself. Mikuru had politely nodded, and once she knew Itsuki was out of the area, she immediately began to rip off the maid outfit she'd been forced to wear every day. Like hell she'd stick around for that tyrant.

Quick as a whip, Mikuru was out of her embarrassing costume and into her uniform in a matter of seconds. All she wanted was to go home and relax. Was that too much to ask?

_Screw Haruhi. That domineering cow can lock up after herself, _thought the girl, a tiny smirk on her lips. Once she was ready, Mikuru rushed to the door, backpack in hand. She had her hand to the knob-

And the door swung open, revealing a smiling Haruhi.

Mikuru's happy mood died instantly. Bliss killed. Joy erased. Happiness eradicated.

"Hey, Mikuru! Good to you're still here!" Haruhi said, not noticing Mikuru's crestfallen expression.

"Yeah... Good to see you, too, Miss Suzumiya," muttered the red-head, forcing a smile. She was _so_ close...

Haruhi interrupted Mikuru's thoughts and wrapped an arm around her. "Don't be so formal, Mikuru! We're best friends! Call me Haruhi!"

"Okay... Haruhi?"

"Great! Glad to see you stuck around, Mikuru! I saw those deserters in the hall and would you believe that none of them said goodbye to me? How rude!"

"Yeah..."

Haruhi then turned to the door and to Mikuru's confusion, began to lock it. It was when Haruhi turned around that Mikuru knew she was in trouble.

"Hey, Mikuru..." said Haruhi, fixing Mikuru with one of her predatory gazes. "I think you deserve a reward for staying behind."

Mikuru swallowed, and started to back away, with the notion that Haruhi could smell fear. "O-Oh really? W-What k-k-k-kind of a reward?"

Haruhi walked towards the mascot, and with a quick motion, pulled something out of her pocket.

"THIS!"

"OH, SWEET LORD, NOT THAT!"

It was a banana.

Mikuru tripped over Itsuki's chair and land on her rump. When she looked up, Haruhi was towering over, lips pulled back in a shark-like grin.

"NO, HARUHI! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING ELSE! JUST PLEASE DON'T SING THAT HORRIBLE-"

But Mikuru's pleas were drowned out as Haruhi opened her mouth, and began her song of destruction.

_"It's little loli-raping time!_

_Little loli-raping time!_

_Way at, way at, way at, way at,_

_Now there ya go, there ya go, there ya go, there ya go_

_Little loli-raping time!_

_Little loli-raping time!_

_Do Mikuru, Mikuru_

_Mikuru with a ba-na-na!_

_Do Mikuru, Mikuru_

_Mikuru with a ba-na-na!"_

Mikuru screamed in terror as Haruhi proceeded to make her into the world's most adorable banana-split.

* * *

**Yuki Pulls a Hotel Mario:**

"All right, Yuki!" said a giggling Haruhi. "For your dare, you have to turn around and say 'I love you'!"

Yuki gave Haruhi, Kyon, his sister, Itsuki, and Mikuru an understanding stare and faced away. She was just about to turn around when an odd urge overcame her.

"C'mon, Yuki!" said an impatient Haruhi. To her delight, Yuki looked over her right shoulder and said...

"NO."

Quirky music that lasted three seconds came out of nowhere.

Haruhi blinked in obvious bewilderment. "Yuki, what the hell was that!"

"I... don't know."

* * *

**Remember:**

When Kyon walked through the door of his classroom afterschool, he'd been expecting to see one of his fellow Brigade members waiting for him so they could talk.

What he didn't expect to see was a heavily armed figure, covered from head to toe in black armor, wearing a mask with a yellow visor, standing there in the sunlight.

"W-Who are you?" stammered a stunned Kyon.

In response, the figure pressed a button on the left side of its helmet. The visor slid upwards, revealing its face.

"Remember me?" asked Emiri Kimidori.

Kyon thought about it and said...

"Not really."

"Oh. Well... FUCK!"

* * *

**The Melancholy of Tay Zonday:**

Kyon opened the door to the SOS Brigade clubroom and was met with a strange sight. Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki were all standing in front of the window with their backs to him. The only one not standing up was Haruhi, who happened to be sitting at the computer. She was wearing some headphones and bopping her head along to a beat.

Kyon walked up to Haruhi (who still hadn't noticed his arrival) and sat down in his seat. Haruhi's music was almost loud enough for him to hear, but still muffled by the headphones.

_I've swear heard that music before. But what was it called again? _thought Kyon. That's when he saw that Itsuki was beckoning him over from the window. He got up and made his way over to the trio.

"What's up?" Kyon asked.

"Look," said Yuki, pointing at the window.

Kyon followed Yuki's finger and noticed that it was raining outside. _Huh. It wasn't raining a few minutes ago. But why does this have the attention of Nagato, Koizumi, and Miss Asahina? Surely, a little wat-_

And that's when Kyon saw that it wasn't _water_ falling from the sky. From her seat at the computer, Haruhi had started singing out loud.

"CHOCOLATE RAAAAAIN! Some stay dry while others feel the pain, CHOCOLATE RAAAAAIN! Made me cross the street the other day, CHOCOLATE RAAAAIN!" she screeched loudly, waving her arms from side to side.

Kyon groaned. Leave it to Haruhi to be so literal about something.

* * *

**MAMA?:**

As Churuya nibbled on several blocks of smoked-cheese, Mikuru turned to Tsuruya who was standing next to her.

"You didn't tell me you had a secret weapon, Tsuruya," said a surprised Mikuru.

In response, Tsuruya grinned and raised her left hand into air, index finger extended.

"THAT'S MAMA TSURUYA TO YOU, MIKURU!" Tsuruya proclaimed.

And then she wheezed.

* * *

**Giant Enemy Cave Cricket:**

"Second Raid!"

Kyon watched in amazement as Itsuki bombarded the enormous Cave Cricket with energy spheres, while Yuki deflected its jumps with her shields. However, it was clear to Kyon that the monster was quickly wearing down his two companions. Strong as they were, their attacks seemed only to be agitating the colossal insect instead of harming it.

Kyon gulped. Sooner or later, Itsuki or Yuki would make a mistake.

And then...

Kyon really didn't want to think about that scenario. So he just stood with Mikuru clinging to his leg, watching his two friends trade blows with the hideous behemoth.

_If only I could help them in some way, _he thought to himself. But what could _he_ do?

After a few more minutes of fighting, Kyon spotted something about the cricket that Yuki hadn't even seen. He had to tell them immediately.

"GUYS!" he yelled, attracting the attention of the alien and esper. "FLIP IT OVER ON ITS BACK AND ATTACK ITS WEAK POINT FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE!"

That's when everyone (including the cricket) stared at Kyon as if he were insane.

"...What the fuck?" Itsuki finally said.

* * *

**Taniguchi's Epic Maneuver:**

Taniguchi stood there in the doorway with his mouth agape.

He had come back to his classroom just to get his schoolbag. He had assumed the room would be empty. What he hadn't counted on was finding Kyon sitting on the floor with Yuki Nagato in his arms. A most compromising position indeed.

_Oh ,man! _he thought. _This is so embarrassing! How was I supposed to know Kyon was going to be here? And with an A rank girl! I gotta get out of here fast! But how? ...Wait! That's it!_

Before Kyon could explain to Taniguchi about his current situation, the boy did something completely bizarre.

He backed up a few feet and yelled at the top of his lungs, "DO A BARREL ROLL!" Following that statement, Taniguchi proceeded to throw himself on the floor and roll away down the hall at an impossible speed. Kyon and Yuki sat there blinking.

"An interesting person," said Yuki.

Kyon sighed and wondered why he had even bothered to get out of bed today.

* * *

**Invader Yuki:**

Yuki was walking home after a meeting with the SOS Brigade by herself. What was strange about this was the fact that the lavender-haired girl was actually showing a form of emotion. Namely rage.

"That stupid girl actually thinks she can order me around? She's lucky I don't rip out her spine and strangle her with it! Oh, how I loathe you, Haruhi Suzumiya. I loathe you deeply..." Yuki hissed. Had anyone nearby had heard that, they would assume something was seriously wrong with the normally stoic SOS Brigade member.

The truth of the matter was that Yuki Nagato was an alien.

...No, not a Humanoid Interface like she said she was. An actual _alien_. With claws, fangs, red eyes, acid blood, and an aversion to water that gave her a rash.

She just _happened _to look like a cute book-worm on the outside.

You see, Yuki had come from a race of aliens called the Irken. It was an imperialistic race with a social hierarchy based on height(Yuki was somewhat low on the totem pole). The leaders of her race were The Almighty Tallest; not the Integrated Data Thought Entity. That was just a lie she had cooked up on the spot. Her ability to manipulate data was due to the various inventions she secretly carried around with her. In fact, everything Yuki had told her friends was a lie. In fact (again), Yuki carried a great disdain for all humans.

Except Kyon. Kyon was cool. And hot.

Not only that, but Yuki's mission was not to observe Haruhi Suzumiya and discover the potential for auto-evolution. Oh no, no, no.

Yuki's TRUE mission was to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

"Soon this world will bow down before me and the Irken race! With Kyon by my side, I'll crush any form of resistance that comes up against me! The human race will be forced to obey my every whim! My people will praise me for finding a suitable planet to conquer. It even has its own god! The entire planet shall soon forever fear and revere the name, YUKI NAGATO!" Yuki said under her breath. The thought of all her own people bowing at her feet, as well as the thought of having lots of offspring with Kyon gave her goosebumps.

And why wouldn't it? She'd come to this planet looking for something important that would make it stand out from all the other planets that the Irkens had taken over in the past. Well, how many planets had their own god running around on it? Not to mention time-travelers and espers?

"Hmm hmm hmm... Ha ha ha ha ha... MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" laughed Yuki to herself, which came out as a high-pitched choking sound. So deep in laughter was she, that she didn't notice the odd looks she was getting from several pedestrians. They quickly hurried away from the mentally-unstable girl.

Once Yuki had finished her bout of insanity, she began to hurry to her apartment at a much quicker pace. Another thing her friends didn't know was that Yuki's true personality was a tad 'different' than how they normally saw her. It bordered between sadistic sociopath and paranoid moron. Yuki had found out that if you just spoke softly, used short sentences, and used advanced versions of synonyms and antonyms, people would automatically assume you were smart. It turned out to be true.

The only things that stood in her way of world takeover were Itsuki and Mikuru. The time-traveler obviously came from a non-Irken Earth; Yuki would have to remedy that. And the esper boy seemed to be keeping a close eye on her. Oh, well. Yuki would deal with him when the time came. As the female alien made her way into the apartment lobby, two children, a boy and a girl, stumbled into her path.

"Sorry!" the little boy apologized, while the little girl nodded profusely. Instead of accepting the apology, Yuki sent an evil glare at the two kids.

"Sorry? That's _all_ you have to say to me? You two don't even deserve to be breathing the same oxygen as me! ...No matter. Soon your pitiful little lives will be over. Enjoy your childhood while it lasts, maggots. Because sooner or later, the skies will rain down a swift and fiery death upon your heads! And your grandchildren and their children's children will serve as cattle for my people! Delicious doom will be upon you! PRAISE ME, FOR I AM YUKI NAGATO!"

And then she dashed into the elevator, cackling all the while.

The little girl turned to the boy and said, "Wow! That girl must be on those drugs mommy told us about!"

Yuki was now walking up to the door of her apartment. As she took the keys out of her pocket, a nervous look appeared on her face.

_Any minute now, _she thought. _The moment I open this door..._

Placing the keys in the lock, Yuki slowly opened the door. All seemed fine. Nothing jumped out at her or anythi-

"YOU'RE HOME!" cried a joyful voice.

Suddenly, a shape that was a blur of blue and white flew out the door and tackled Yuki with the force of a torpedo. Yuki was now lying flat on her back while the shape had her in a vicious bear-hug.

"I MISSED YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH, YUKI!" it squealed in delight.

"Ryoko," growled Yuki. "Do you want to live to see another day?" From her spot on top of Yuki, Ryoko Asakura nodded like an obedient dog. "Good. Now get off my chest."

Ryoko did so. As soon as she was on her feet, Yuki quickly ushered the blue-haired girl back inside the safety of the apartment. You see, Ryoko was believed by many at North High School to have transferred to another high school in Canada (or in the case of Kyon and a few others; to have died by Yuki's hand). This was another one of her fibs.

Ryoko Asakura was in fact a robot sent along to monitor Yuki's activates on Earth. As part of a plot to win Kyon's trust, Ryoko was instructed by Yuki to kill him. Then Yuki would appear just in the nick of time to save Kyon from the jaws of certain death. A slight snag occurred before the plan when both remembered that neither of them had little to no experience fighting hand-to-hand. A few hours of watching Matrix movies and Yuki's special effect inventions helped out in the end though.

The ploy had worked like magic (which was a small miracle in itself, considering Ryoko's true personality could best be described as... out there). After Ryoko's 'death', she went back to their apartment to hide out and look after things while Yuki was at school. Which meant every day, Ryoko would spend several hours by herself, bored out of her skull until Yuki came back home.

"DID YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY AT SCHOOL, YUKI?" screamed Ryoko, who was now jumping up and down like a rabbit on cocaine.

"School was fine," Yuki nonchalantly spoke to her partner in crime, noticing for the first time that she was wearing a frilly pink apron. "What did you do all day?"

At this question, Ryoko flashed a million-watt smile and said, "I was baking!"

The tiny purple hairs on the back of Yuki's neck froze. Ryoko and fire didn't belong in the same room together. But then again, if something bad had happened, Yuki would have heard about it on the news.

"Baking, huh? Did you make anything?" she asked.

"Yup!" replied Ryoko. She then dashed into another room and returned moments later with a covered plate. Yuki looked on with a hint of caution. After all, this WAS Ryoko.

"I hope you like it, Yuki. It's a CAKE!" she yelled, lifting up the lid.

Yuki choked back a groan of disgust. The object on the plate looked like a cake, but only in shape. It was a dark brown color, with tiny jagged edges here and there, and a center that was sunken in like a crater. It was a disaster.

"It's a little burnt," Ryoko explained, making the understatement of the day. "But I think it'll look great after I add the icing!"

Yuki was already making a mental note to destroy the cake when Ryoko was out of sight. There was one thing that needed to be answered though...

"Ryoko..."

"Yes?"

"How did you bake that... cake?"

"In the oven, silly! Why?"

"Well, as I recall... WE DON'T HAVE AN OVEN!"

"WE DO NOW!"

"I'VE TOLD YOU TO STOP BUYING STUFF, YOU BOMBASTIC SIMPLETON!"

"...What?"

"Oh, never mind... I've had a rough day," grumbled Yuki, plopping herself down at their coffee table. Ryoko ambled over to her master and noticed the sour look on her face. The bluenette hated it when the bookworm got into one of her moods.

"Hey! I got something that will cheer you up!" Ryoko said. Yuki watched as her assistant dashed away and returned with a plate of something.

"You do? And just what would that be?" Yuki lazily glanced upward at her assistant, wondering if whatever was in the plate was poisonous.

The former-murderer flipped the lid up. "GUESS WHO MADE WAFFLES!" Ryoko exclaimed proudly.

Yuki smiled. Waffles were her favorite Earth food that didn't make her violently ill after a while. She'd think of a way to win Kyon's heart, manipulate Haruhi, and enslave the human race later. Right now it was time for waffles. Before Yuki could dig in, she noticed something crucial.

"Ryoko?"

"Yes, Yuki?"

"Where's the maple syrup?"

"I ALREADY DRANK IT ALL~!"

"...DAMN YOU, RYOKO!"

* * *

**A/N: Meme List- Peanut-butter Jelly Time, Hotel Mario, the Metroid: Other M trailer's unknown black guy, Chocolate Rain, Super Mario "Mama Luigi" episode, Giant Enemy Crab, and the Barrel Roll.**

**The next chapter shall be a surprise! How do I know that? Because it hasn't been written yet, that's why.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	15. Girugamesh and Gilgamesh

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: The first one is based off a internet meme from a couple months ago. The second one is based off a hilarious daydream I had. Enjoy.**

**

* * *

GIRUGAMESH:**

It was a sunny day in the middle of the summer, so Haruhi had decided that it would be a crime not to celebrate the day with a delightful picnic. To make things interesting, Haruhi also invited Tsuruya, Taniguchi, Kunikida, Ryoko, Sasaki, Kyouko, Kuyou, and Fujiwara to attend. The reasoning behind that decision being that Haruhi had told Kyon she had cleverly invited the latter four in order for the Brigade to make peace with their enemies.

Something like that.

Anyways, the entire Brigade met in the park on top of a grassy hill. Everyone showed up for the picnic and stood around talking to one another before Haruhi and Kyon showed up with the food. It was a few simple things like sandwiches, salad, drinks, chicken, and ice cream. After the blanket was set down, the group sat down to eat their lunch.

It was only after a few minutes of munching on her sushi, that Haruhi suddenly said, "I love sushi."

"I love Japan period," piped up Kyon, skewering a piece of lettuce on his fork.

"The tea ceremonies," Mikuru chimed in happily.

"J-ROCK!" Tsuruya shouted from her spot on the blanket.

"GIRUGAMESH!" yelled Itsuki, stabbing the air with a well-manicured digit.

"I love anime," droned Yuki. As soon as the words left her mouth, Ryoko hugged Yuki from behind.

"AND MANGA!" squealed the blue-haired girl.

"AND GAMING!" shrieked Taniguchi. From beside him, Kunikida nodded his head. Either he had nothing to say or he was genuinely freaked out by what was happening. Either way, his facial expression hardly changed.

"OR DDR!" exclaimed Sasaki, making her look completely out of character.

"SMILE D.K.!" gushed Kyouko from her seat next to Sasaki.

"_Hey,_" said a quiet voice that sounded like leaves rustling.

Everyone turned their heads to face the ever silent Kuyou Suou. It was a surprise that she had actually spoken up without even being adressed. From her spot, Kuyou slowly stood up. Once she made sure she had everyone's attention, she opened her mouth and said...

"_SHUT THE_FUCK UP, YOU GOD DAMNED_WEEABOOS!_"

Then she sat down and went back to her sandwich.

Fujiwara, who had been sitting next to Kuyou, reached over and patted her on the head. "Good girl," he said softly, while the others gawked in horror.

Except for Kunikida, of course.

* * *

**The Big Bridge of Haruhi Suzumiya:**

The tension was thick in the SOS Brigade clubroom. Kyon was drinking his tea, throwing an occasional, worried glance at the new occupant of the room. Next to him, Itsuki was doing the same. And behind the two boys, Mikuru stood with her tea tray clung tightly to her chest, shaking like a leaf all the while. Even Yuki, who would normally be reading a book, was staring at their strange visitor.

The only one not looking up was Haruhi. She was in the middle of posting a few new photos on their website when she noticed how eerily quiet it was. Her face filled with confusion.

"Everything all right, guys?" asked their fearless leader.

At Haruhi's words, Kyon turned to give the brunette a dumbfounded stare. "Is everything all right, you ask?"

"Well, yeah. What's wrong with all of you? You act like you've seen a ghost," said Haruhi.

"A ghost? Now that I could handle. No, Haruhi, we haven't seen a ghost. What we've seen..." At this point, Kyon stood up from his chair and pointed at the far end of the table. "IS THAT GUY!"

What Kyon was pointing at was a large humanoid creature currently sitting on a folding chair and happily sipping some of Mikuru's tea. The beast looked like a man with some obvious physical changes. For starters, its skin was a grayish-black color and it was so tall that its head was just ten inches away from touching the ceiling. Six burly arms, three on each side, extended from its broad shoulders. Most of its body was covered in red amour that resembled a samurai's, and he wore a kilt-pants combination that apparently had been full of holes before, and were now sewed up with several pieces of multicolored cloth, giving it the appearance of a circus tent. A razor-sharp halberd , along with multiple swords of various sizes, was strapped to its back, its head obviously starting to show signs of fatigue from multiple battles.

Noticing it was the center of attention, the man-shaped _thing _raised its head from its half-empty tea cup and observed the five teens with its pearl-white eyes.

"What?" it asked in a voice that sounded like rocks scraping together. Obviously it was male.

"WHO OR WHAT ARE YOU?" demanded Kyon.

The monster narrowed its eyes (Kyon quickly got back in his chair) and stood up. "My name? But you already know my name! I am the mightiest swordsman in all of Ivalice! Former guardian of Exdeath! The fabled treasure-hunter! It is I... GILGAMESH!"

At this, the beast placed a sandaled foot on the table and his introduction continued. "Long have I sought the blade of legend... Scoured have I the farthest marches, east and west! And now my search brings me here! To you!"

And with that, Gilgamesh threw back his head and let out a sound that was a cross between a hearty guffaw and a childish giggle. Quite the contrast.

"Well, Kyon, I hope that answers your question," Haruhi said smugly. Kyon was in her face in less than second.

"Answers my question?" he roared. "Haruhi! You have a fictional character sitting right here with us! How is that even possible?"

Haruhi frowned at Kyon and turned her nose up at him. "Well, if you must know... I wished him here."

"...You did what now?"

"You heard me. I was sick and tired of us not finding anything interesting on our patrols. No ghosts, no demons, no sliders, no nothing! So last night while I was going through my video games, trying to cure my boredom, I thought to myself, "_Wouldn't it be great if games like Final Fantasy were real? Then we could fight monsters and use magic!_". And the next morning I found him in the alleyway next to my house! Isn't that amazing! Gilgamesh being here proves that stuff like dragons, Chocobos, and Moogles are real! I wished for Final Fantasy to be real and it came true! And he heard my wish and came to see me!"

"...Are you listening to yourself? People aren't going to like going outside and finding a Malboro on their lawn! I'm still wondering how you managed to get him here without being seen!"

"I already took care of that, my minion. I just told people he was a cosplayer! ...A REALLY big cosplayer," the tsundere admitted innocently.

Kyon pinched his brow in order to kill the migraine he had randomly encountered just now. "Arrrgggghhhhh..."

Gilgamesh, who had just finished his tea, was now reaching over to grab a sugar cookie from the plate Mikuru had put out. He examined the treat for a bit before popping it into his mouth.

"Delicious!" he cried, grabbing five more with his other arms. Mikuru looked somewhat relieved now; at least he didn't seem like a flesh-eating monster like she'd thought he'd be.

"You're welcome..." she said shyly.

"Umm... Mr. Gilgamesh?" said a nervous Itsuki.

"Yeah?" responded the warrior, his mouth spitting out a few crumbs.

"If you don't mind me asking... How did you arrive in our world?" asked the esper. At this question, Gilgamesh crossed all six of his arms together and a pleased grin appeared on his face.

"I'm glad you asked, kid! Gather around children and I shall tell you a tale! A tale of action and mystery!" he announced. At his words, Haruhi's face lit up with glee and she dashed over to Kyon's chair in order to sit closer. Even Yuki closed her book and turned her chair to face their speaker. Kyon facepalmed. Why did he have to get Haruhi that GameStop gift card?

Gilgamesh cleared his throat and started to speak. "Once upon a time, I, the brave and noble Gilgamesh, had entered a tournament called the Dragon's Neck Coliseum in a distant land. Both adventurers and ferocious monsters competed in it. I won many arduous battles. Then along came a group of fighters who rivaled me in terms of power! After my defeat, I sensed they were working towards a just cause and lent my strength to them. We fought and dispatched many evils together."

"What happened after that?" Haruhi asked with wonder in her voice.

"Well, after the world was saved I left the group, I remembered something important. I had forgotten to pick up the cash I had won from my previous battles! I rushed to the coliseum and with great horror, discovered that the new receptionist that worked there had stolen my hard-earned cash and fled!" Gilgamesh said, swishing his arms dramatically. Haruhi and Mikuru both let out collective gasps, while Kyon quirked his eyebrows in curiosity. Yuki and Itsuki blankly stared.

"I swore from that point on, that I would travel the many roads of the world seeking great riches, the mighty blade known as Excalibur, and one day, find the slimy, spineless receptionist who had wronged me! But my foe was cunning and swift. He knew that there were other worlds out there and he hid among them. I thought he had eluded me forever... But! One day, while trekking through a forest of dead trees, I saw a shimmering portal and knew it would take me to a new world! So I entered it! I swear upon the graves of my mother and father that one of these days... I WILL FIND YOU, ULTROS!" he bellowed, raising a fist to the ceiling. Then Gilgamesh placed four of his hands behind his head and two on the table.

"And that's how I met this fetching, young maiden," he finished, pointing at a blushing Haruhi.

Kyon suddenly had the mother of all headaches.

"See, Kyon!" Haruhi yelled into his ear, once she had recovered from her compliment. "Poor Gilgamesh was cruelly duped by fate! We have to help him win back his honor!"

"Haruhi," said an exasperated Kyon. "Gilgamesh doesn't belong in this world. He needs to go back on his own home. What if the police saw him? He's carrying all those swords. They'd probably try to arrest him and I'm pretty sure you know what that would lead to."

The resolve in Haruhi's eyes dimmed a bit, but she didn't give up. "Can't he at least stay here for a few days? He needs to get his strength back. He was all worn out when I found him. C'mon, Kyon! Have a heart!"

Kyon sighed in annoyance. "You know what? Fine. He can stay at your house. But he's your responsibility. All right?"

"Excellent! I knew you'd agree with me, Kyon!" Haruhi said with victory in her voice. Then her expression turned into one of embarrassment. "Uhhhh... I just remembered. He can't stay at my house. Heh heh heh..."

"...Why not?"

"I'm letting Enkidu sleep in my closet..."

"Who the hell is Enikdu?"

"My faithful sidekick!" interrupted a cheerful Gilgamesh. "You didn't think I'd be traveling alone do you? Oh, you're all going to love the little guy! He drools a lot and howls in his sleep sometimes, but he's the greatest hellhound anyone could ask for!"

"So Kyon..." began Haruhi. "Would it be alright if Gil-"

"He's not staying in my house!" snapped the cynical party-pooper.

"Why not?"

"He's huge! How am I supposed to hide him?"

"You'll figure it out..."

"Don't try to dump this on me!"

"He can stay with me," said a soft voice. Everyone turned in the direction of Yuki. Gilgamesh grinned.

"WOO-HOO! We're gonna be roommates!" he whooped. The six-armed man ran up to Yuki and proceeded to lift her up out of her chair in a thankful hug. Yuki looked vacantly at her future roommate and didn't seem to return the gesture.

As Gilgamesh spun Yuki's limp body in the air in a small circle while cheering, Kyon faceplamed once more. Oh, well. It could have been worse.

At least Bahamut wasn't living in his garage.

* * *

**A/N: Girugamesh and Gilgamesh? In the same story? I MUST BE OUT OF MY MIND! SOMEONE LOCK ME UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY! ...Or don't. Oh yeah, my daydream came about when I thought about Itsuki being an esper and then that somehow drifted to me thinking about the espers from Final Fantasy 6. Then I remembered 'Wasn't Gilgamesh a summon in that game for espers?' Then came the image of Gilgamesh flying through a Closed Space, slicing Celestials apart, left and right while laughing maniacally. And then I couldn't stop smiling afterwards.**

**Next chapter will be up tomorrow. Maybe.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	16. Taniguchi's Box and Kyon's Solution

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Akai-Kurenai, these are for you. Hope you enjoy them.**

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**Metal Gear Taniguchi:**

Haruhi wiped the sweat off her brow as she stepped into the classroom. Gym class had just ended and it was time to change back into her regular uniform. Behind her, several other girls were already filing into the classroom.

Haruhi went over to her desk to get her clothes out her school bag. Just as she was bending over to get her skirt out...

"_Hee hee!_"

Haruhi's head shot up to find the source of the sound. Was someone giggling? She turned around and the tip of her foot connected with something light. Looking down, she saw it was a rather large cardboard box with an orange exclamation mark on it. It moved slightly. Seeing a rectangular hole cut out in the front of it, the tsundere got down on her hands and knees and peered through the hole.

"What the...?" Haruhi started.

A pair of brown eyes stared back her golden eyes.

"Don't mind me, Suzumiya," said Taniguchi from inside the box. "Please continue with what you were doing."

Haruhi blinked twice then began to growl.

**A Minute Later...**

Itsuki was making his way towards the SOS Brigade clubroom when he saw a strange sight. It was a cardboard box lying just in front of the door. It was facing right-side up with something big inside it. Making his way towards the box, Itsuki peered into it.

He was horrified to discover that it contained Taniguchi's unconscious, bloody, and bruised body.

"Taniguchi? ...Taniguchi! _**TANIGUUUUUUCHIIIIIIIIIIIII!**_"

* * *

**How Endless Eight REALLY Ended:**

Kyon gritted his teeth at the table. Haruhi had repeated the same two weeks of summer over 15,000 times already. His grip on sanity was steadily giving away. Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki had all went through the same torture as well. Yuki, especially.

He had to find a way to please Haruhi. Make her stop repeating summer. In just a few minutes, she would be paying the restaurant tab

But what did she want?

As Haruhi rattled off about things on the list of trivial summer activities they hadn't done yet, Kyon racked his brain trying to figure out what Haruhi wanted him to do. Did she want to go somewhere? Did she want the SOS Brigade to do something new? Did she want him to do his homework?

Nah. Too stupid. Probably something else...

_What am I supposed to do to satisfy her? What if I just- Wait. Wait. ...Wait a minute,_ Kyon thought to himself. _There's one thing I haven't tried yet. It's a long shot, but it has to work._

"We'll meet in the clubroom the day after tomorrow. Bye!"

Snapping up at the sound of her voice cutting through his thoughts, Kyon looked up and saw that Haruhi was already making her way towards the exit of the restaurant. And once again, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki sat there doing nothing. Lazy bastards.

_Things will be different this time, _thought Kyon, standing up.

"Hey, Haruhi!" he called out loudly, dashing up to her.

"Yeah?" said the Brigade leader, turning around curiously.

"There's something I have to do. Will you come with me, please?"

"Uhhh, sure. Why not?"

Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki watched in silence as Kyon led Haruhi out of the establishment by the arm and into the night, not knowing what to expect.

**The Following Day...**

The next day, Itsuki entered the clubroom and was pleased to find Yuki and Mikuru waiting for him. The former continued to read and the latter greeted him with a warm cup of tea and a smile. Both were going about their daily business as usual. Whatever Kyon had done, it had severed the time-loop. Just as Mikuru began to bring up the subject on why Kyon and Haruhi were late, the two walked right into the room. Yuki glanced up briefly from her book, but quickly raised her head again to stare.

It was in that instant that the three agents noticed that something just seemed a bit... off.

For one, Haruhi had a huge smile on her face, while Kyon wore a huge frown.

After a few minutes of playing Othello, Itsuki decided to ask Kyon what he did last night and why Haruhi seemed to be walking funny on the way to her chair.

"So would you mind telling me just what you did with her last night?" whispered the Agency member.

Kyon grimaced, said nothing, and began to inspect the rug-burns on his elbows.

* * *

**A/N: Poor old Taniguchi... And Haruhi needs to get laid. Big time. **

**I'm gonna be trying to post a different story besides Humor for this section in a while. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled! It's going to be a Horror story! **_**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!**_

**Next chapter will have... VIDEEEYYAAAHHH GAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYMMMMES! ...Why the hell am I talking like an eighteenth century prospector?**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	17. Video Games and Disappearance

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I'll list the games these shorts are based on at the end. They are pretty much just some of my favorite ones. The third one is based off a comic on DeviantArt called 'Haruhi Versus Lavos'. Consider it my interpretation on what occurred afterward. **

**And for you, Aster-Selene, a Disappearance-based story at the end! Have fun! **

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**The Charming Magician:**

As Kyon walked to the clubroom, he reflected on the fact that he had seen some pretty strange things in his life. He was best friends with an quiet alien, an endearing time-traveler, and a philosophical esper. He knew a god. His childhood friend was another god. He'd seen blue giants made of pure energy. His old classroom representative was an insane killer. He'd saved the world. He was even transported to an alternate universe because of said silent alien.

It was after these events that Kyon decided that nothing could ever surprise him again.

"My, my, my! The students of your school quickly amble throughout the hallways, like ants on a Sunday picnic!" said an oily voice full of mirth.

And as usual, he was wrong.

You see, Kyon was being followed by someone he'd rather not look directly at. And for good reasons, too. Floating a few feet off the ground behind him was a clown.

Or more appropriately, a jester.

He was a very short jester, his bell-adorned hat coming up to Kyon's chest. He was clad in a colorful costume that resembled a poncho, with yellow and purple diamonds covering up most of his body. Under the poncho, Kyon had seen the creature was wearing velvety black clothes, probably to match his gloves and curly-tipped shoes. The jester's entire face was covered by a mask that would most likely be seen in an Italian puppet show. The mask was vertically split down the middle- the right half was eggshell-white, while the left was midnight black.

Kyon glanced over his shoulder. Yup. The damn thing was still following him. He remembered waking up earlier that morning and seeing the little freak hovering over his face, just like a scene right out of a Stephen King novel. It wore an uncanny smile on its mask that was nothing more than a thin red line. Its eyes were just a pair of yellow and black crescents boring into his soul.

Not one of the best ways to start a morning.

When his mom and dad had rushed into the room after hearing his girlish screams, Kyon realized after a few minutes that neither of his parents could see or hear the room's new occupant. Through some illusion or cloaking-device, his intruder was rendered invisible to all but him for some strange reason. The little monster watched him eat his breakfast, watched him walk up the hill to school, and watched him take his pop quiz in math. His suspicions were confirmed: Through some spell or enchantment, the jester remained invisible and inaudible to everyone else.

Kyon just didn't know _why_. But he was absolutely sure this thing could give Itsuki, Ryoko, and Haruhi a run for their money in the creepy smiles department. It was scary in that child-molester or monster clown kind of way

"Why the hell are you following me?" Kyon asked his levitating companion. Actually, metrosexual nightmare from the French circus was more like it.

"Ah ha ha ha! You rage at me, like a bull after the fleet-footed matador!" his stalker cackled.

That was another one of the jester's quirks. Every now and then, he'd belt out some clever simile that Kyon knew no sane person would ever use in real life.

"Just tell me your name, okay?" Kyon demanded calmly while making sure no one nearby saw him talking to thin air. The flamboyant fool quickly drifted in front of him, blocking his path.

"My name? Oh, I've been so terribly rude. I invite myself into your home without permission like a common cuckoo and follow you to your school without even properly introducing myself! So sorry! As for my name..." He did a small back flip in midair, as if trying to impress Kyon and bowed. "Master of dimensions... Pleaser of crowds... I am... Dimentio!"

Confetti suddenly exploded around his body and before Kyon could say a word, evaporated into thin air as quickly as it had come.

The cynic quirked an eyebrow curiously "...Are you serious?" Dimentio apparently didn't take too kindly to Kyon's question and proceeded to invade his personal space bubble. _Wonderful. Now he's creepier than Koizumi, _thought Kyon.

"Well, then... What's your name?" Dimentio asked playfully.

Kyon let out an irritated sigh and told Dimentio his name.

"That's your name?" The entertainer held a hand near the side of his head. "I could have sworn I heard some of these children call you something else..."

"Yeah... I also go by Kyon."

"Kyon? Ha ha! What an idiotic name!"

"Hey! It's just a nickname my friends use, okay?"

"Then I guess you have a lot of idiotic friends! Ah ha ha ha!"

"Shut up, you weirdo! Why don't you go off and hitch a ride in a wind-up car/ maybe slip on a banana-cream pie and chug some seltzer while you're at it?"

Dimentio ceased his cackling and locked eyes with Kyon, who instantly felt a chill up his spine. "If I were you, I'd refrain from tossing such paltry insults in my direction. And yes, I was serious about my name. _Deadly _serious," he spoke in a voice as soft as lace. Kyon muttered an apology (which he didn't mean at all) and quickly made his way around Dimentio. Clearly, the entertainer had anger issues. With joy, the brunette saw the clubroom door up ahead. Now he could talk to Yuki or Itsuki about the situation. Maybe feed the side-show act to a lion soon afterward.

"Why are you here in the first place?" Kyon asked, his hand on the doorknob. As in response, Dimentio air-swam his way to Kyon's shoulder and brought his face next to his ear. Out of the corner of his eye, Kyon could have sworn that the smile on the mask grew impossibly wide.

"Isn't it obvious, you silly boy?" Dimentio said giddily. "I'm just a bored slider."

From inside the clubroom, Haruhi, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki heard Kyon's blood-curdling wail of terror.

* * *

**The Brawl of Haruhi Suzumiya:**

"All right, you lowly worms!" yelled Haruhi. "We're gonna play a game, today!"

All eyes went to the Brigade leader. "What kind of a game?" asked Kyon, tilting his head to the side.

In response to his question, Haruhi grinned and pulled out a Nintendo Wii and a copy of Super Smash Brothers Brawl from behind her back. "Only the greatest game in the entire world!" the Brigade Chief announced with relish.

"Brawl? I own that game. Didn't we play it at your house once?" Kyon brought up.

"If I can recall correctly, we all played through the Subspace Emissary mode all together at your house, Miss Suzumiya. I quite enjoyed that," Itsuki stated, beaming.

"Didn't we already beat it together in one sitting, too?" Mikuru chimed in.

"Indeed we did!" Haruhi cheered, flexing her left arm's muscles in a strongman's pose. "Cheetos and Mountain Dew... The fuel of champions!"

"...And didn't you call us over again just to play it over?" Kyon broke in, slicing the upbeat air with his well-known cynicism.

Haruhi's cheerful exterior crumbled away and she leveled an accusatory finger at Yuki. "Yeah, well, we wouldn't have had to, if Yuki hadn't deleted the god damn save-file!"

Yuki bowed solemnly. "Once again, I apologize for my foolishness."

"...Very well, Yuki. Very well. But do it again, and I'll force you to play as the Ice-Climbers for a full 99-stock match again." As Haruhi began to set up the game, the rest of the Brigade huddled together.

"No matter what happens, "said Itsuki. "Miss Suzumiya must be allowed to win at all costs."

"Understood," said Yuki. "We must not allow her temper to remake the world."

Mikuru was shaking and turned to Kyon. "Umm, Kyon... I don't know to play Super Smash Bros. Brawl..."

Kyon patted her on the shoulder. "It's okay, Miss Asahina. It's pretty easy once you see what each button does. Just don't walk off the edge of a stage and you'll do fine."

Haruhi had finished setting up the system (they would be using a T.V. that she "borrowed" from the student government) and announced the rules: They would compete in a tournament-style contest, with the winner fighting Haruhi. The fights would be three-stock matches, with Kyon taking on Itsuki and Yuki taking on Mikuru.

After they chose their characters (Kyon-Ike, Itsuki-Pokémon Trainer, Yuki-Zelda, Mikuru-Jigglypuff) the battles began.

Six minutes later, Kyon triumphed over Itsuki and Yuki easily wiped the floor with Mikuru. Kyon and Yuki soon faced off, with Kyon selecting Falco and Yuki choosing Lucario. Surprisingly, Kyon won the match. Yuki's defeat had resulted from a stray Bob-omb; the mother of all minor Brawl annoyances.

Haruhi grinned and snatched away Yuki's controller and selected Bowser. "All right, Kyon! Time for the big finale! Don't cry too hard when smash you into the pavement!"

Kyon glanced back at Itsuki, who subtly nodded. _I might as well give Haruhi a decent fight before I throw in the towel, _hethought, while clicking on a new character.

And so the epic battle commenced...

**Half an Hour Later...**

Haruhi sat in the corner of the clubroom, brooding to herself. Every once in a while she'd mutter a half curse or grumble something. Outside the window, the sun burned a bright orange and the moon was covered in angry, red veins, like a bloodied egg.

Across from her, Itsuki, Yuki, and even Mikuru were shooting hateful glares at Kyon, who just sat at the table. He would occasionally twiddle his thumbs or stare at the now-reddening sky, before going back to stare at his shoes.

"Did you _have_ to beat her five times in a row?" asked Yuki.

Kyon shrugged weakly and said, "Haruhi's just being a sore loser..."

"You just HAD to use Sonic, didn't you?" Itsuki snarled at Kyon. Mikuru just pouted at him like an annoyed mother.

Kyon turned to the esper and said, "But Sonic rules..."

"HE'S CHEAP AS HELL!"

"NO, HE'S NOT! YOU LIE! WHY MUST YOU LIE!"

* * *

**The Big Fire of Haruhi Suzumiya:**

Haruhi swung her sword through the air, giggling with maniacal glee. The rest of the Brigade stood behind her on the grassy field, weapons drawn. The wind carried the sweet scent of flowers through their nostrils. A clear blue sky was above them, dotted with the occasional puffy cloud.

"All right, guys!" shouted Haruhi. "The moment the target arrives, go all out! We won't even give the target a chance to fight back! Absolutely slaughter it! Ohhh, we're gonna get so much experience after this!"

Making sure their insane leader could not hear him, Kyon leaned next to Yuki and said, "Hey, Nagato, what kind of monster did you summon for Haruhi to beat up?"

Yuki turned to face Kyon and replied, "I am unsure. The quadrants I selected seemed to show the right creature Miss Suzumiya wanted, but something interfered with the process halfway."

Kyon blinked in surprise. "Interfered how?"

Yuki shifted a bit under her sorceress hat before saying, "I do not know yet. However, I felt a small surge of energy similar to the energy that often resides around Miss Asahina."

"Really?" Mikuru chirped, pulling her medieval-style tunic loser to her body as she toyed with her mage-staff. "That's very interesting..."

"I'm sure we'll be able to come out on top of whatever comes our way." Itsuki went straight back to inspecting his sword.

Kyon turned back to look at Haruhi, who was now foaming at the mouth, eager for blood. _So even Nagato doesn't know what she summoned... Energy similar to Miss Asahina... Could it be something that could manipulate time? _thought the errand-boy.

Suddenly, the area in front Haruhi began to change. Several streams of darkness materialized in the air and began to converge on one another. They formed a large, purple, and black tornado that was pulsing with electricity. A dark shape began to form inside it. Like a Metallica concert, but neater.

"Hey, Yuki!" yelled Haruhi over the wind. "What kind of monster did you summon? It looks _really_ big!"

Yuki tried to answer the brunette, but was cut off. The thing inside the tornado had made its first noise- an ear-splitting scream that sounded like a cross between a whale and an insect. It chilled Haruhi to the bone, who begun to slowly back away. Kyon' s heart fell into his stomach, Itsuki gulped, Mikuru whimpered, and Yuki blinked.

Finally the thing became visible. It was...

**Five Minutes Later...**

Haruhi was dashing through the field, jumping over the occasional fire, and lugging along Kyon's unconscious body by his cloak. Behind her, Yuki and Itsuki were doing the same to a comatose Mikuru.

And behind them all, Lavos continued to fire his nipple lasers at the Brigade, all while doing his unearthly cry.

"YUKI!" shouted an enraged Haruhi. "NEXT TIME I TELL YOU TO SUMMON AN ENEMY, MAKE SURE IT'S NOT A FUCKING FINAL BOSS! THEY DON'T EVEN GIVE OUT EXPERIENCE POINTS! GEEZ!"

* * *

**What He Gave Up:**

"It sure feels great to be back, Nagato!"

"Yes. I feel the same way."

Kyon and Yuki were walking from the library together. The small girl from space had been reading a mystery novel she borrowed, when Kyon began to reminisce about the alternate reality she'd created a while back.

"It was just so weird living in that world. Everything seemed out of place," Kyon mused thoughtfully.

"I attempted to create a world that you would find suitable for leading a normal life," said Yuki, flipping a page. Kyon let out a sigh.

"I know you did. But I actually kind of like all the insanity Haruhi brings to my life," he said. Shortly after that sentence left his mouth, Kyon remembered the alternate version of Haruhi he'd met. She'd gone to a different school and kept her hair lengthy like at the beginning of the year.

_Haruhi's hair sure was long, _thought Kyon. _Imagine all the ponytails she could have worn..._

"Kyon?"

"Huh? What is it, Nagato?"

"You're drooling."

"Oh...! I was thinking about... food! I'm just hungry that's all."

"...I see."

Kyon wiped his mouth with the corner of his sleeve, before casually saying, "What other changes were there, Nagato? I can't quite remember all of them."

Stilling walking and reading, Yuki calmly said, "I recall making Miss Asahina and Tsuruya lovers. Not an outright relationship, but it would have blossomed after a period of time."

"R-Really? Oh, yeah! I definitely remember that! They sure were pretty close, now that I remember that," exclaimed Kyon. The image of Tsuruya straddling a sleepy Mikuru in her arms somehow made its way into his head. He quickly shook it out.

"Koizumi didn't attend our school either..." Yuki mentioned.

_A life without Koizumi's face invading my personal space... I could have lived with that... _Kyon decided to keep up the questions. "Uh-huh."

"Ryoko Asakura was a normal human being..."

_Instead of a Humanoid Interface who could appear at any moment in this reality and kill me whenever she pleased... _the boy reflected."How interesting... Hmm..."

"And I was an actual human being who could freely display emotions," Yuki concluded, turning another page in her book.

Kyon's pace had actually slowed down a bit after that statement. He began to remember the alternate Yuki he'd met. She was shy, demure, helpful, sweet, and...

_So, so cute... _finished Kyon's brain. He noticed that Yuki was still speaking with her back to him.

"But all of that's in the past now," she said. "I hope that the two of us can have a pleasant future with the rest of the Brigade."

_Future... _thought Kyon. Already his mind was swimming with images of what his future may hold: Being abused by Haruhi, being creeped out by Itsuki's face, being told 'Classified Information' by Mikuru, getting stabbed by a revived-Ryoko, getting consumed by a data-based life-form, getting flattened by a Celestial, or having Haruhi's powers do something weird, like mess with the time or cause a natural disaster.

"I see..."

A few more minutes passed. It was at that point that Yuki noticed how eerily quiet Kyon had become. His footsteps on the pavement had stopped. She turned to face him.

"Kyon?" Yuki called out, concern in her voice rising.

He was nowhere to be found.

Back at the now empty school, Kyon was in the SOS Brigade clubroom, frantically hitting the Enter key on the computer.

Over and over again.

"...Fuck!"

* * *

**A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long. I'm a slow typist. I promise I'll have something up for tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed my Disappearance short, Aster-Selene! I apologize if it seems pretty much out of place in a chapter about games, but I wanted to give you your request after making you wait so long. **

**Games mentioned: Super Paper Mario, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and Chrono Trigger. There's still more to come!**

**If any of you are curious on who Dimentio is from the first story, Google him or look him up on Super Mario Wiki. He's incredibly freaky. But he's also my favorite character. His dimension-bending powers are very similar to a slider, so when I read somewhere that Haruhi wanted a slider in her group, I thought of him immediately. Plus, I think Kyon may have a secret fear of clowns. :)**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	18. Aliens and Tornadoes

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: This was originally going to go into the previous video game chapter, but Earthbound is so out there, that it deserved a chapter of its own. I kind of added a few 'The Day The Earth Stood Still' references to it, but I think it came out good in the long run. Also contains a request for keyblader1991, parodying Kaze no Stigma. Enjoy!**

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**Starmen in Their Eyes:**

Haruhi couldn't believe her eyes. In all of her wildest dreams, Haruhi never thought this would ever happen. Not in a billion years. What started out as a routine 'search the park for ghosts at night' patrol had turned into something else. Something amazing.

They had only been outside for a few hours, until Kyon announced it was time to go home as it was getting close to ten. Miffed that her chore boy had once again ruined her fun, Haruhi started to lead them all towards the exit. Imagine her surprise when a beam of white light descended from the night sky in front of her.

Haruhi and the others watched as the blue squares inside the light melded together to form a shape in front of them. Once they were finished, Haruhi gasped.

It was a tall (at least seven feet), completely hairless, human-shaped creature. It's skin was a sparkling silver that shone even in the darkness of the park, almost like it was wearing a spandex suit. It's arms were like the tentacles of an octopus, but without the suction cups. They were placed firmly on its hips in an almost defiant manner. Its skinny legs were spread far apart, so that its large, rounded, toenail-less feet were not touching each other. On the left side of the creature's chest was a pattern of three black blocks arranged to form an upside-down letter 'L'; and above it was a black triangle. But what really stood out was the being's face. There was no nose, no mouth, and no eyes. Just a thin, black visor where its eyes should've been.

"Greetings, humans! I come in peace!" it said in voice that sounded like it was talking into a metal pipe.

Haruhi, for once in her life, was speechless.

It was an alien.

An actual-from-outer-space-honest-to-goodness-alien.

"WELCOME TO EARTH! We're the SOS Brigade!" Haruhi yelled with gusto. She ran right up to the visitor and extended her right hand. It tilted its head downward to look at her. Haruhi felt both excited and intimidated at the same time. After a few seconds, it placed its left tentacle in her hand and shook. Haruhi's soul nearly left her body.

"It's all right, I bring you no harm," said the alien, noticing Haruhi and the others stunned expressions.

"What d-do you want?" asked Kyon, who was trying not to lose control of his bladder.

"Allow me to introduce myself first. My name is Starman Junior. I have come very far away from my home world in order to complete my mission here on Earth," said the alien, it's arms raised into air.

"Nice to meet you, Junior! My name is Haruhi Suzumiya," greeted the brunette. She turned and started pointing at each of her friends. "That's Mikuru Asahina, Yuki Nagato, and Itsuki Koizumi. Oh, and that's Kyon, my errand-boy."

"Well, Starman Junior, what is your mission?" asked Kyon, who was starting to think he may have heard the alien's name from somewhere before.

"I was sent to this planet to observe its beings and judge them. My master claimed this planet was a breeding ground for heartless and brutal savages. He said that no one on Earth possessed a shred of kindness in their soul. I was sent to prove him wrong," announced Starman Junior.

"And what is the name of your master?" questioned a curious Itsuki.

Starman Junior placed his hands on his hips once more. "My lord goes by many names. But the most common one is Master Gigyas."

Yuki shivered suddenly, but she didn't know why.

"Master Gigyas, huh? Sounds important! But why are you talking to us?" wondered Haruhi. In response, Starman Junior raised a tentacle and pointed it at the members of the SOS Brigade.

"Part of my mission involves me taking a human who is pure of heart back to my peers. That person's heart will determine the fate of your people. If you pass, you will live in peace for the rest of your lives. If not, then you will be erased from existence."

Haruhi and the rest swallowed hard.

"And the person I've decided to take... is in your group."

Complete silence.

Kyon's knees gave out and he collapsed. This was simply too much information. Before he could ask who their savior was, the extraterrestrial spoke.

"That person," he pointed, "is you."

He was pointing at Haruhi.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" yelled a jubilant Haruhi. "GUYS, DID YOU HEAR THAT! I'M GOING TO HELP SAVE THE WORLD! THIS IS SO EXCITING! I PROMISE MR. STARMAN JUNIOR, THAT I WILL DO MY VERY BEST TO-

Strarman Junior cut Haruhi off mid-sentence. "Oh, I apologize. I was pointing to the person behind you."

Confused, Haruhi looked behind her and saw...

Mikuru.

"HER!?" yelled a heartbroken Haruhi.

"ME!?" screamed a shocked Mikuru.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" shouted a flabbergasted Kyon and Itsuki.

"..." said Yuki.

"Correct," said Starmen Junior. Within a few long strides, the silver-skinned creature brushed past Haruhi and was already making its way towards the cowering red-head. Kyon and Itsuki quickly rushed out in front of her and acted as shields.

"Don't you lay a hand on her!" yelled Kyon. He had no idea what he was doing, but he was not going to let some saucer-rider to come and make off with their mascot. Kyon knew Yuki could probably handle Starman Junior on her own, but Haruhi was nearby and the local shops were still open. Someone might see and get hurt.

"You are interfering with my assignment. Do you want the world to end?" asked Starman Junior.

"I apologize, sir," said Itsuki. "But either we all go with Miss Asahina or she stays. Couldn't you just ask your superiors to come down here, instead?"

The alien tilted its head to side as if contemplating Itsuki's proposal. Then he said, "That request is out of my jurisdiction. Now stand aside or else."

"Or else what?" Itsuki challenged.

"Or else you may not live long enough to enjoy your peaceful world," warned the extraterrestrial. He lifted an arm into the air and swung it like an aluminum bat. Kyon and Itsuki flying into some nearby bushes. Just as Kyon was staggering to his feet, Starman Junior placed his arms in front of him.

"PSI Freeze Alpha!" he hollered.

There was a flash of blue light and suddenly, the two boys found themselves up to their necks in freezing ice.

"I c-c-c-can't move!" chattered Kyon.

"I told you not to get in my way," gloated their attacker. Starman Junior turned to Mikuru and picked her up gently. She shook like a leaf.

"Don't be frightened. All my people want to do is ask you a few questions. Then you can come back home to your friends. It will only take three days for the judgment to take place. How does that sound?" he asked.

Mikuru blinked a couple of times. And then her eyes rolled back into her head and her arms went limp.

Shrugging, Starman Junior headed past Yuki, who ran to the frozen Itsuki and Kyon and began to pry away at their icy prison, and towards a shimmering beam of light leading up to the sky.

It was then that he noticed his right foot had acquired some additional weight, so he looked down. Clutching his ankle was Haruhi.

"Don't go!" yelled a desperate Haruhi. "Take me with you! I've waited my entire life for an opportunity like this and I refuse to let it slip away!"

"Get off my foot."

"No!"

"Now."

"Never!"

"Would you like to see a demonstration of PSI Fire Beta?"

"You try that and you'll have to pry my flaming, charred corpse off!"

Kicking her off, the alien gave out a sound similar to an engine revving as Haruhi got to her feet.

"Fine, you can come too. Behave yourself, okay?" he sighed.

"YAHOO! I'll be on my best behavior! Ya hear that Kyon! I'm going to outer-space!" Haruhi bragged.

Kyon was horrified. "You can't let yourself be abducted by an alien! What about your parents and school?!"

"Cover for me, okay!" yelled Haruhi.

And before Kyon, Itsuki, or Yuki could say or do anything, Haruhi, Starman Junior, and the comatose Mikuru disappeared into the light.

Only one thought ran through Kyon's head now: The Earth was doomed.

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**Tsuruya no Stigma:**

"So let me get this straight," said Kyon to a smiling Tsuruya in the hallway afterschool. "You were kicked out of your family because you lost a fight with your older sister?"

"Yup! I was banished!" said Tsuruya.

"And it turns out that all of the members of your family can manipulate the power of fire."

"Uh-huh! It's called Enjutsu!"

"Except for you."

"Correct!"

"And you've actually been living in a small condo downtown the whole school year."

"Right! My family was nice enough to send me money every now and then!"

"But on your own, you managed to bend the power of wind to your will."

"Right again, Kyon! It's known as Fuujutsu!"

Kyon cast a sideways glance at Itsuki, who gave him an awkward shrug, before turning back to Tsuruya.

"And you're telling us this because...?" asked Kyon, massaging his forehead with both hands.

"Because!" laughed Tsuruya, grabbing Kyon and Itsuki in a bear hug, "I might not see either of you again after today! My family might not want me back when show up at the front door. I might have to fight them all off! I've said goodbye to all the people I've made friends with in school, so I won't have any regrets in the next life! That's why I'm telling you this, nyoro!"

There was a moment of silence, before she released them and Itsuki stepped up to Tsuruya and said, "Tsuruya?"

"Yeah, Koizumi?" replied the fanged-girl.

"Are you high or just incredibly stupid?"

Tsuruya quickly got angry. "I'm not high!"

Then she realized her the error in her sentence. "And I'm not stupid either!" she added.

"Tsuruya, making up stories just to get attention isn't healthy. If you need help with something, just tell us," Kyon said with concern in his voice.

"Yes, Tsuruya," said Itsuki, "We'll understand if you just tell us the truth."

"I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH!" roared Tsuruya. "WHY WON'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME!"

Both boys gave her disapproving looks. Tsuruya let out a tiny growl."Fine then! I'll prove it to you! Watch this!"

Getting into a crane stance, Tsuruya put her hands together and closed her eyes. Kyon wondered what was going on, until he felt a slight breeze at the back on his neck. He and Itsuki watched in amazement as Tsuruya floated a feet into the air and a whirlwind surrounded her. Dust, candy wrappers, scraps of paper, and leaves swirled around her body. Two minutes later, the debris fell out of the air and Tsuruya had both feet planted on the ground.

"T-T-Tsuruya... You were telling the truth?" babbled Itsuki. Kyon stared dumbly.

"Tolds ya so!" Tsuruya said, grinning.

Suddenly, a loud gasp broke the silence. Tsuruya, Kyon, and Itsuki looked down the hall and saw Mikuru. She was shaking and pointing a trembling finger at Tsuruya.

"I KNEW IT!" shouted Mikuru. "I KNEW I WASN'T SEEING THINGS!"

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**A/N: I had no idea what Kaze no Stigma was about until I looked it up on Wikipedia. Then I came to some very shocking revelations. Now think about it. Tsuruya summons a tornado in Episode 17 of Haruhi-chan. We never see Tsuruya's family or see her house in the anime. She knows martial arts. Her family probably has a lot of strange customs. **

**IT ALMOST MAKES SENSE. **

**...But maybe I'm just pulling stuff out of left field.**

**Upcoming chapters:**

**Kyon tries to find a girlfriend!**

**Emiri goes emo!**

**More Chrono Trigger!**

**Itsuki reveals a secret!**

**Haruhi has a disturbing fetish!**

**The Anti-SOS Brigade gets genderbent!**

**Tsuruya tries to overcome an addiction!**

**Kyon makes a big reveal!**

**The SOS Brigade discovers mind-scaring fan art!**

**And a clash of the titans... evil Yuki versus drunk Mikuru! Place your bets people!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	19. Their Inner Most Workings

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: This took about ten minutes to come up with. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...**

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**What the SOS Brigade Members are Thinking About Right Now:**

_**-Kyon's POV-**_

_Look at Haruhi sitting at the computer. Why do I keep staring at her? Shouldn't my mind be concentrated on Asahina and her maid outfit? What if..... Oh no..... I couldn't possibly be falling for her now, can I? It's Haruhi of all people! She's mean, ruthless, self-centered, childish and- And putting her hair in a ponytail.......... Curse you, my brain for coming up with that fetish! _

_**-Itsuki's POV-**_

_Hmmmmmmmmm......... Should I tell Kyon that the mole on the back of his neck has changed color ever since the second season started? I probably should. Right after our Othello match, I'll take him into the hall and tell him. I wouldn't want Miss Suzumiya to overhear and let her imagination run wild. Ahhh... Alone with Kyon for a few minutes... What a bliss!_

_**-Mikuru's POV-**_

_Look at them all. Slurping down my tea, like animals at a watering hole. They just drink it without a second thought, don't they? I bet I could slip in something nasty and these idiots wouldn't know until it was too late. One of these days, they're all going to get theirs... Except for you, my precious Kyon. You're my knight in shining armor. First I'll take care of Itsuki. He deserves it for not even bothering to save me from Haruhi. Just sits there smiling like a pervert... Jerk. Next up will be Yuki. What a know-it-all. Normal means won't harm her, but I'm sure I can convince my superiors that she poses a threat. You'll see, Yuki. You're not the only one with the fancy toys... And finally, Haruhi. Oh, I'm going to savor the moment when I get you alone. 'Miss Suzumiya, I heard about this ghost in the park that only reveals itself at night in front of young girls! Why don't you and I go by ourselves and check it out?' You're so gullible, Haruhi. I can't wait to feel my hands around your neck and watch the life flicker out of your eyes. All of you will feel my wrath. None of you will escape. Kyon will be mine! I am the divine blade of revenge! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! _

_**-Yuki's POV-**_

_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. I AM ERROR. PRESS ANY KEY TO RESTART. ...SYSTEM NOT FOUND. INSERT INSTALL DISC. DISC NOT FOUND. PLEASE CONFIRM DISC COVER IS CLOSED. READ ERROR. INSERT BOOT DISC AND PRESS ENTER. NO RESPONSE. SYSTEM MAY BE BUSY OR MELTING INTO SLAG. APPLICATION ERROR. SAVE YOUR WORK AND QUIT. YOU LOST EVERYTHING. WAY TO GO, GENIUS. WAITING FOR PROCESSORS. "404 computer hamsters not found." THREAT LEVEL UPGRADED TO JELLY ROLL 1. DETONATION IMMINENT. __**BEEBLEBLIP!**__ C:/ run query identification C:/ run insult generator C:/ results: haruhi suzumiya and mikuru asahina dress like whores! __**CTRL ALT DEL!**_

_**-Haruhi's POV-**_

_Ya know what? I really like vanilla._

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**A/N: Can anyone guess who Yuki is quoting? He was a boss in a Paper Mario game. A cookie for whoever can guess!**

**Guys, I need your help. I don't know which idea I listed last chapter should be written first. I'll let you guys pick! Leave it in a review, okay? And don't forget to tell me what you thought of this chapter, all right? **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	20. AVTT: Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: You guys were right! Yuki was quoting Fracktail from Super Paper Mario last chapter! **

**Now about this chapter, I didn't even plan on writing it. The idea came about when a writer named darandomninja published a story called 'The Day Nagato Cracked' (Which I highly encourage you all to read by the way!). One of the reviewers, BarretvsKyonvseveryoneelse, suggested that it would be hilarious if the psycho Yuki from that story go up against my drunk Mikuru from chapter six. Shortly after the story was published, darandomninja sent me a PM asking if I could actually make that idea into a reality.**

**How could I afford NOT to write it? **

**Besides, Mikuru and Yuki deserve some attention of their own in the spotlight.**

**So anyways, anybody here read the story 'Meet the Suzumiyas' by JonBob0008? Remember the chapter where Mikuru and Yuki duke it out in the mud-wrestling tournament? Yeah, this story is a lot like that. ...Except with blood, cursing, threats against personal items, chasing, alcohol, eroge games, everyone's having a bad time, and the deadly use of a teapot. Contains massive amounts of OOCness for Mikuru and Yuki. **

**P.S.: This chapter turned out to be MUCH longer than the previous chapters, so I've decided to split it into several parts. That way you'll all have the story in nice bite-sized portions. Anyways, enjoy the Haruhi-chan references! **

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**Part One: AVTT- Alien Versus Time-traveler:**

It was a delightfully sunny day in Japan. Everybody was happy and enjoying life.

"STOP IT, MISS SUZUMIYA!"

Well, almost everybody.

Haruhi was tugging on Mikuru's skirt and trying to force into some garish princess costume. She'd been ranting the whole week about how the club should do a medieval-themed fundraiser. To date, Haruhi had appointed herself the queen, Itsuki as the court advisor, Mikuru as the princess, and Yuki as the dragon. Poor Kyon had been saddled with the role of the court jester.

"Stop struggling, Mikuru! I just wanna see how the hat looks!" shouted Haruhi, trying to grab Mikuru. Mikuru quickly dodged her Brigade chief and gave a pleading look.

"I'm already wearing my maid outfit! Can't I just try it on at home?" Mikuru begged.

"No! I want to see it right now!" whined Haruhi.

Mikuru whimpered.

Nearby, Kyon and Itsuki were playing Othello. Kyon wanted to get up and help Mikuru, but Itsuki kept shooting him 'Don't interfere' looks, so Kyon was forced to watch the poor girl suffer. Near the window, Yuki sat in her favorite chair. Instead of reading like she always did, Yuki was playing an eroge game on her laptop. Unfortunately, not even Yuki's bunny-shaped headphones could drown out Mikuru's ear-splitting shrieks.

"Hold still for a minute!" commanded Haruhi, trying to plant a pink, conical hat on Mikuru's head.

"NO!" protested Mikuru.

Yuki let out a small sigh. She'd been on the same damn textbox for almost five minutes, because of the red-head's squealing. It was about time someone told her to put a cork in it.

"Miss Asahina," said Yuki. Haruhi and Mikuru didn't hear over the noise they were making, so Yuki tried again after a few minutes.

"Miss Asahina?"

No response.

"Miss Asahina?"

Still no response.

Groaning, Yuki saved her game and stood up from her chair. Then yelled at the top of her lungs, "MISS ASAHINA!"

Haruhi stopped harassing Mikuru, Mikuru stopped screaming, and the boys looked up from their board game. Since when did Yuki yell? In her mind, Yuki smiled now that she had their attention. Placing her hands on her hips, Yuki strode over to the pair of girls and stared at them.

"What is it, Yuki?" Haruhi asked innocently.

"Could you two please keep it down? I'm trying to play a game and I can't advance to the next scenario with you two making all at incessant noise. I'm getting a headache," explained Yuki.

"Oh. Sorry about that, Yuki," apologized Haruhi, releasing Mikuru from her grasp. Kyon let out a tiny scoff- had it been anyone other than Yuki who said that to her, Haruhi would have kicked their ass.

Nodding at Haruhi, Yuki turned to Mikuru, who instantly withered under her eye. Yuki could be pretty damn intimidating; even while wearing headphones shaped like bunnies.

"And as for you," said Yuki, addressing Mikuru, "If you don't want to be dressed like a baby, then stop acting like one. Just try to be firm with Miss Suzumiya. Screaming your head off will get you nowhere."

And with that remark, Yuki went back to her chair and sat down. Kyon and Itsuki watched warily.

Mikuru blinked several times before thinking, _Did... Did she just insult me?_ She walked over to where the alien was sitting, hands tugging at her apron nervously.

"Miss Nag- I mean... _Yuki_!" said a nervous Mikuru. "Did you just make fun of me?"

"Whatever gave you that idea?" asked Yuki, not even glancing up from her game.

"What you j-just said about me! Y-You said I act like a baby! Did y-you really m-m-mean that?"

"........................Yes, I did. Every day you cry and whine until you're blue in the face. You stammer as well. And every day we have to sit around and have to endure it. I'm sure Kyon and Koizumi will agree with me."

At the mention of his nickname, Kyon immediately looked away. Itsuki on the other hand, had suddenly developed a sudden interest in tying his shoes. Mikuru let out a tiny gasp of shock.

"You both think I'm annoying too?!" she cried.

Kyon turned his head towards Mikuru and said, "No you're not, Miss Asahina! We would never think that! Right Koizumi?"

Itsuki looked up from his shoes and gave Mikuru a charming smile before saying, "Kyon's right. You're a wonderful person and a good friend."

"See, Miss Asahina?"

"Although, you are a bit loud at times..."

"KOIZUMI!!!"

Mikuru's eyes welled up with tears and her throat went dry. Haruhi went up to Mikuru wrapped her arms around Mikuru's shoulders.

"Don't listen to them, Mikuru!" Haruhi said with concern. "I think all those noises you make are adorable!"

Mikuru didn't seem to agree with Haruhi's opinion, and broke out of the hug. She turned back to Yuki, who was too wrapped up in her game to notice her surroundings. After a tap on the shoulder however, Yuki looked up.

"What is it?" she asked in a nonchalant voice.

Mikuru took a deep breath and said, "YUKI! You're... You're..."

"What?"

"YOU'RE REALLY MEAN!!!"

And then she ran out the clubroom door, head buried in her hands. Haruhi ran out into the hallway after her.

"Mikuru!" she yelled into the hallway. "Come back here! Yuki didn't really mean any of that! Come back, Mikuru!"

Haruhi then turned and gave Yuki, Itsuki, and Kyon the wickedest glare she could muster, before running off after the mascot. For a few seconds, there was only the sound of Yuki typing away on her laptop, and Itsuki yowling in pain after Kyon kicked him from under the table.

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**A/N: There's the set-up. The humor will start picking up soon. I promise.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	21. AVTT: Part 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Here's part two, you little duckies!**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Part Two: AVTT- Alien Versus Time-traveler:**

Mikuru sat in the kitchen of her little apartment, sobbing her heart out. She'd been so embarrassed by Yuki that she ran all the way home in her maid outfit. She'd been running too fast to see all the odd looks she was getting from people on the street. Sniffling, Mikuru reached over to the can of beer on the table and popped it open.

Nobody knew this, but Mikuru had a fondness for booze. Ever since that movie fiasco, the time-traveler had developed a taste for alcohol. She usually drank in her own home, where her shameful secret could stay hidden. Mikuru would die if Kyon found out she was capable of chugging down a 40-oncer like it was a juice-box. Mikuru had once tried vodka and scotch, but they didn't give her the pep that a regular beer did.

Even though Mikuru looked very young, it was surprisingly easy to buy alcohol at the corner market. Just bat your eyelashes and wear something low-cut, and the clerk practically handed you the goods. She wasn't a constant drinker though; she only drank when she was hungry and there wasn't anything else to drink or when she was depressed.

This was a case of the latter.

"I can't believe she said that to me! I thought we were friends!" Mikuru said to no one in particular. But deep in her heart Mikuru knew that wasn't really true. She and Yuki barely talked to one another, but when they did, it was usually about Haruhi. Yuki always acted cold and aloof, but Mikuru never thought she'd actually speak to her like that. Truth be told, Mikuru was always kind of afraid of Yuki. The way her golden eyes just seemed to kind of bore their way into your soul, like some kind of unblinking reptile...

_Come to think it,_ Mikuru thought to herself, _Yuki never acted this way until Kyon and I started spending more time together..._

Was that it? Was Yuki jealous of her? For stealing Kyon away from her?

"And she calls ME the baby? Who the hell does she think she is?! What a selfish..... Jerk!" yelled Mikuru, finishing her drink and grabbing another can. That had to be it! Kyon was always staring at her more than he ever did with Haruhi or Yuki. Yuki was obviously jealous of her looks and personality. And every time Mikuru wanted to spend some time with Kyon, Yuki was always there to drag him off to some secluded spot to talk about all that outer-space techno-babble. Not to mention the fact that Yuki's fighting abilities far exceeded her own; this made Yuki Kyon's personal bodyguard and further strengthened their friendship.

"Observer, my ass!" Mikuru half-screamed, half-slurred ,while knocking over five empty beer cans with her arm. "She's tryin to pit Kyon against me! I'm on to your little scheme, you intergalactic hussy!"

Slamming down her now empty beer can on the table, Mikuru knew what she had to do.

Stumbling over to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of sake she'd bought for a special occasion, Mikuru made her way to the door. She let out a drunken giggle, belched loudly, shut the door behind her, and walked towards her school. Revenge burned in her hazy mind.

It should be noted that Mikuru was still in her maid outfit during all of this.

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**A/N: Mikuru's drunk. Everybody grab your cameras or run like hell!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	22. AVTT: Part 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Here's part three. Who do you think will come out on top?**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Part Three: AVTT- Alien Versus Time-traveler:**

Haruhi slumped in an empty chair at the table and sighed. She was a fast runner, but Mikuru was even faster and managed to elude her. She'd been gone for an hour. Looking up, Haruhi saw that Kyon was at Yuki's side, chastising her for her earlier actions.

"Did you have to go and be so blunt, Nagato? Miss Asahina is very sensitive about herself."

"...."

"You'll apologize to her, right?"

"...."

"Nagato!"

"...."

"I don't think she can hear you with those headphones on," said a smiling Itsuki, taking a swig from his almost empty tea-cup. Kyon shot him a poisonous glare that caused his smile to weaken a bit.

"One more word out of you, Koizumi, and I'll disembowel you with Haruhi's paperweight, you blabbermouth," Kyon hissed.

"Leave my paperweight out of this!" barked Haruhi, standing up. "I'm in the middle of a crisis here! I don't know if the costume will fit Mikuru at all. We can't have a fundraiser if the dragon and the princess are fighting!"

"Is that all you can think about? Your stupid fundraiser? Miss Asahina is somewhere out there, crying her eyes out! We have no idea where she is!" yelled Kyon.

"You say it as if this is somehow all my fault!" screamed Haruhi.

"THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS!"

"DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE AT YOUR BRIGADE CHIEF!"

"Calm down, you two," said Itsuki trying to play the role of peacekeeper. "I'm sure that Miss Asahina is at her home. Maybe if can just call and say we're sorry, we can smooth out this whole-"

_**SLAM!!!**_

Itsuki's solution to the incident was cut off as the clubroom door opened with a violent slam. Haruhi, Kyon, and Itsuki turned to face the new arrival and all let out a collective gasp.

Standing there in the doorway, feet swaying, cheeks reddened, eyes narrowed, hair a mess, maid outfit stained, clutching a half-empty bottle of sake in her right hand, was a very intoxicated Mikuru Asahina.

"I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, YA BIG NERD!!!"

Stunned and a little afraid, Haruhi slowly walked up to Mikuru to see if she was all right. "M-M-Mikuru? Are you okay? I'm s-sorry about the costume earlier. Me, Koizumi, and Yuki all just want to tell you that we're-"

Haruhi's explanation stopped when her sense of smell caught Mikuru's aroma. The Ultra Director's hand went to her nose in an instant.

"Ugggggggghhhhhh! Mikuru, what the hell have you been doing? Did you fall into a brewery on your way over here?" gagged Haruhi, waving the smell away with her free hand.

Mikuru glared daggers at Haruhi, causing the brunette to back away, before loudly announcing, "I DIDN'T FALL INTO SOUP!"

Leaving her confused leader behind, Mikuru marched over to Yuki's chair. Itsuki stood up out of his own chair to say something before things could get really ugly. It was then that Itsuki Koizumi made the second biggest mistake of his life that day: he tapped Mikuru on the shoulder.

"Miss Asahina! Are you not feeling well? Do you need to see the nur-" the esper started to say, only to shut up when Mikuru looked over her shoulder to glare at him. If looks could kill, Itsuki would have a smoldering stump where his head would be. He practically jumped back into the safety of his chair. Satisfied that she had traumatized the Agency member, Mikuru continued her little journey to Yuki's chair. The orchid-haired girl hadn't even noticed her approach. Kyon however, did and flattened himself out against the wall. Kyon was convinced that this thing was not his treasured Mikuru, but an evil demon mimicking her. As she got closer, Kyon sadly realized that the demon was indeed his lovely angel and decided that his seat near Itsuki looked surprisingly safe. He quickly made his way around Mikuru and sat down.

Mikuru was now standing right next to Yuki, swaying a bit, but still on her feet. She looked over Yuki's shoulder and saw that Yuki was attempting to have the main character have sex with a young girl who looked eight, but was really sixteen.

_Sicko,_ thought Mikuru. She gave Yuki a poke on the back of the neck.

"Hey, Yuki!"

"Give me a minute."

"Yuki!"

"Give me a minute."

Mikuru considered just smashing her bottle over Yuki's head, but decided to do something far crueler. Smirking nastily, she reached over to the power button on the laptop's side. Just as Yuki was about to steal the virginity of another young girl, the screen went completely black. Yuki's fingers froze in mid-stroke. Haruhi, Kyon, and Itsuki stopped breathing.

It was as if someone had sucked all the air out of the room.

Yuki closed her laptop with a _'snap!' _and looked up at whoever dared to interrupt her erotic adventure. Needless to say, Mikuru wasn't on the list of people she had expected to do it.

"I was in the middle of the final scen- Miss Asahina?" she said, clearly confused.

"Yeah it's me, you sneaky bitch!" Mikuru snarled. "I've come back to foil your little ploy!"

"My ploy?" asked a somewhat amused Yuki.

Mikuru let out a snort. "Oh come! I already figured out your little plan! You humiliate me in front of Kyon, so you can hog him all to yourself! Well guess what, buddy? KYON'S SEXY ASS BELONGS TO ME!!!"

Kyon blushed furiously, Itsuki stifled a giggle, and Haruhi let out a squawk of disbelief.

"Is this true, Yuki?!" screamed Haruhi. Kyon was supposed to be hers! How dare these sirens plot behind her back! Treachery!

"I assure you, Miss Suzumiya, that there is absolutely nothing going on between me and Kyon. We're simply friends. Miss Asahina simply needs some rest. She's clearly delusional and acting most unladylike," answered Yuki.

Haruhi seemed to calm down a bit, but Mikuru was far from being placid. "I don't need any rest, you robot! I'm so sick and tired of you dragging Kyon away from me! You think you're so much better than me, because you use really big words, huh? I can use big words too! You... You... You... Pedophile!"

Yuki raised an eyebrow. "How am I a pedophile?"

Mikuru sneered at her before saying, "You're always playing those games. Seducing young girls and fucking around with them... We all know that the only reason you play them is because you can't find a real man!"

Yuki's left eye twitched and she forced a very creepy, small smile on her face that caused the room's other three occupants to shiver in fear. "I believe I can find a man just as easily you can, _Mikuru._ Fortunately for me, I don't need to rely on my body to attract attention."

"What are you talking about?" Mikuru asked with suspicion. Yuki gave her a smile that could sour milk chocolate, and proceeded to walk towards Mikuru, until their noses were almost touching.

"What I'm talking about, is that I'm certain that Kyon would much rather have a girl that specializes in brain size, not bra size," Yuki answered a matter-of-factly. Mikuru's face was livid.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" the mascot bellowed.

Yuki wrinkled her nose in response to Mikuru's breath, before giving her response. "I think you know what it means. You think that if you put on tight little outfits and bounce around, you'll have Kyon wrapped around your little finger. Don't think I haven't heard about you sneaking off with him sometimes just to 'talk'."

"Well, you seem to be quite popular with the ladies," remarked Haruhi, shooting Kyon an accusing look. Kyon sank further down into his chair, dreading the conversation Haruhi would want to have with him when this was over. Itsuki on the other hand, watched the fight with ongoing interest. This was better than daytime television!

Mikuru gave Yuki her best evil eye (which looked like she was constipated), before jabbing a finger directly into the Humanoid Interface's chest.

"ARE YOU CALLING ME A SLUT?!?!" Mikuru yelled.

"You said it, not me," Yuki said sarcastically. "Though, judging by the fact that your body is surprisingly developed, it wouldn't come as much of a shock to me if you hadn't started turning tricks by the age of ten."

Mikuru looked like she was about to explode and get Mikuru chunks all over Yuki's clothes, but instead swallowed her rage and murmured something inaudible.

"What was that?" asked Yuki. Mikuru took a sip of her sake bottle and gave Yuki a baleful look.

"I said 'I least I have boobs'," spat Mikuru.

"Breasts aren't everything, you know," countered Yuki.

"SAYS THE GIRL WITH THE BODY OF AN ELEVEN-YEAR OLD BOY!!!" shrieked Mikuru.

That was the straw to break the camel's back, so Yuki put both hands on Mikuru's shoulders and shoved her. Mikuru stumbled back, but didn't fall. The red-head stomped up and pushed back the ero-gamer. Yuki hadn't expected to Mikuru to retaliate, so she attempted another push when-

_SLAP!_

Yuki blinked and put a hand to her right cheek. It shone pink from where Mikuru had just slapped her. She looked at Mikuru with complete disbelief. Mikuru seemed surprised too. Her left hand was still in the air, frozen in mid-swing. Her hand-print covered Yuki's cheek, like an unruly tattoo. At the table, Haruhi, Kyon, and Itsuki's faces showed expressions ranging from horror to shock. It was like time had been frozen.

_SLAP!_

Time restarted and now Mikuru's face sported a matching handprint. Clutching her left cheek in shock, Mikuru stared at Yuki's blank face with surprise. Then the surprise melted into a white-hot anger. The busty girl bared her teeth savagely, while the bookworm's face contorted into a hideous sneer. Yuki and Mikuru kept their eyes on each other, like two pigeons about to fight over a French fry. For a split second, it looked like Yuki and Mikuru both had some sort of aura covering their bodies; Yuki's purple and Mikuru's pink.

Haruhi sensed the inevitable and cautiously crab walked around the two girls. Once at the computer, Haruhi hurriedly unplugged it, grabbed her pyramid paperweight, and rushed to the boys with the items in her arms.

"Grab anything that's yours and follow me out the door," she whispered to them. Kyon and Itsuki gave Haruhi dumbfounded looks.

"We can't leave!" protested Kyon. "We have to stop them before they kill each other!"

Haruhi looked at Kyon, like he had just told her that his cat had proposed to Itsuki. "Kyon! We can't stop this! This is out of my hands! Now unless you want a ringside seat to the mother of all catfights, you'll leave this room and never look back! NOW MOVE!!!"

And then the fearless leader of the SOS Brigade ran to the costume rack, grabbed as many costumes as her arms would allow, and then ran out the door. Kyon stood up on shaky legs and walked up to Mikuru and Yuki, who both hadn't moved for a full minute. Surely they would listen to him?

"N-N-Nagato... M-M-Miss Asahina... Please calm down. Let's just sit down and talk this over, okay?" Kyon begged. Mikuru and Yuki gave him their answer in the form of two soul-piercing stares.

"It would be most wise if you left the room, Kyon. I intend to give Mikuru a firm punishment," Yuki coolly said.

"Yeah, Kyon! Go wait outside and bring me a mop in a few minutes. I'm gonna need one to pick up what's left of her after I'm done!" swaggered Mikuru.

Kyon opened his mouth to say something else, but when Yuki and Mikuru continued to glare daggers, arrows, bullets, swords, and laser beams at him, he decided to grab his backpack and back away. He gave Yuki a look that said 'Please don't kill Miss Asahina, okay?', but he wasn't sure if she acknowledged it.

The minute Kyon was out the door, the two females trained their eyes on the still-sitting Itsuki. He didn't even say anything; he just picked up his backpack, grabbed a pair of scissors Haruhi left on the table, smiled, and walked out the door. Haruhi quickly grabbed the knob and slammed the door shut.

Now it was just Yuki and Mikuru.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: Part four will be up soon. Let the battle begin.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	23. AVTT: Part 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: A quick note foe Aster and Akai. This current story is taking place in the regular anime despite all the Haruhi-chan references. If a chapter takes place in the actual Haruhi-chan universe, then the characters will call each other stuff like Yuki-chan and Kyon-kun. I hope I didn't confuse you guys too much. I just wanted to clear that up.**

**Now it's time to watch a dance of death... Heh, I sound poetic.**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Part Four: AVTT- Alien Versus Time-traveler:**

"Well, now..." said Yuki, cracking her knuckles. "Looks like it's just you and me. Don't worry, I won't use my powers. I don't need them for such a minor annoyance."

Mikuru scoffed. "Don't hold your breath, bolt-brain. I ain't scared of ya."

"I could do well to make you fear my powers," warned Yuki. " I'll go easy on you and not use them. Let's make this quick, okay? I have a game to continue."

"Like you've got anything else to do for a life," Mikuru snickered.

"As I recall, your social life isn't that exciting either," Yuki countered.

Mikuru's eyes flashed red and she said, "At least I don't spend all my time sitting on my fat butt all day!"

"My butt is not fat," said Yuki, although she started to finger the edge of her skirt without realizing it.

Mikuru burst into rude laughter and said, "HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Well, your body fat had to go somewhere else besides your chest!"

"Unlike yours, which made itself home in your brain when your chest ran out of room!" Yuki shouted, finally losing her patience.

Mikuru gave a squeak of anger and yelled, "Mosquito-bites!

"Jellyjugs!" shouted Yuki.

"Washboard!"

"Funbags!"

"Lolicon!"

"Homewrecker!"

"Bitch!"

"Harlot!"

"Geek!"

"Slut!"

"Grandma!"

"Ginger!"

"Loner!"

"Crybaby!"

Unleashing a terrible scream, Mikuru rushed forward with the intent to ram Yuki with her shoulder. Yuki saw it coming and stepped to the side. The maid continued her charge until her head connected with the window. Groaning in pain, she turned around to see Yuki standing four feet away, holding a hand to her mouth to stifle a laugh. Growling, Mikuru raised her bottle to her mouth to finish off the last few drops of sake. When she was done, she stared at the empty bottle for a good five seconds, before chucking it at Yuki's head. Yuki dodged it easily, wearing a cheeky grin as it smashed into the wall behind her.

"You'll have to do better than that," she taunted. But Yuki's confidence drained when she saw that Mikuru was smiling. Yuki was confused until she saw what Mikuru was gripping in her hands. She almost screamed.

Her bunny headphones.

"W-What are you doing?" Yuki asked, cursing herself for stuttering. Mikuru backed away to the other side of the room, until the table was between her and Yuki. The girls began to circle the table clockwise, like sharks around a wounded diver.

Mikuru gave her a smug smile. "Gee, Yuki. You sure do love these little guys don't ya? Didn't Kyon buy them for you? Oh, that's right! He did didn't he? It would be real sad if something happened to them, right......."

Mikuru held a white rabbit head in each head and tugged gently on both ends. There was the sound of plastic bending and stretching. Yuki felt like a fiery dagger had been jabbed into her heart and twisted. And all the while, Mikuru kept smiling; a horrible, plastic smile that looked like it belonged on a Halloween mask.

"Hee hee! Well, Yuki? Are you gonna say sorry to me? For calling me a baby? I'd hate to get plastic everywhere..." Mikuru giggled. Yuki gulped and scanned the room furtively, while keeping one eye on the maid. There had to be something she could use to regain her beloved headphones. It was while Mikuru babbled about her deserving Kyon more than anyone else, that Yuki spotted something to her left that would help her regain her treasure. Just a little closer......

"Well, Yuki. Am I getting my apology? Or are the bunnies about to have a separation?" Mikuru teased. Yuki sighed deeply and placed her hands behind her back.

"All right, Mikuru. You win."

"Huh?"

"You win," Yuki repeated, giving Mikuru a solemn look. "Me obtaining Kyon's heart was far beyond my reach. You deserve his company much more than I do. I should have never matched wits against such a skillful rival."

Mikuru still seemed uneasy, but loosened her grip on the headphones. "Do you really mean it?"

Yuki nodded. "Yes, I do. Don't you trust me?"

Mikuru narrowed her eyes at the Humanoid Interface, trying to see if she was planning a sneak attack, but Yuki seemed to be acting sincere. She now held the headphones in one hand.

"All right, Yuki I'm ready for your apology," Mikuru said, calmly. Then Yuki's stoic face turned into a cat smile.

"Well, I WOULD apologize... But someone won't let me do that," mused Yuki. Mikuru was confused until Yuki started to move her right hand from behind her back. She was holding something. It looked yellow and orange......

Suddenly, Mikuru's face filled with unimaginable horror.

"MUU-CHAN!!!" screeched Mikuru. Yuki gave her a mischievous grin and nodded.

"That's right. Muu-chan," the-lavender-haired girl said without any remorse. "If I'm not mistaken, this little beast holds a special place in heart, doesn't it? Would you mind taking a few steps back?"

As if to emphasize her point, Yuki suspended the mini-lion by its tail with her hand. It dangled helplessly in mid-air, looking at Mikuru with pleading eyes.

"YOU PUT HIM DOWN RIGHT NOW! MUU-CHAN NEVER DID A DAMN THING TO YOU!!!" roared Mikuru. She felt like a mother grizzly watching its cub being held hostage by a wolf. She resisted the urge to beat the crap out of Yuki and backed away by three steps.

"Actually," said Yuki, "I've always despised the little vermin. He's always pawing at my ankles and using my cardigan as a bed. Not to mention the fact that he once scratched up one of my game discs a week ago. That left me in a bad mood. Plus the sight of you two running around like joyful children, while the rest of us did work for Miss Suzumiya always made my stomach churn. Now what should I do with him? I could grind him into a fine paste or twist his head off... So many decisions!"

Yuki began to swing the living-plushy by its tail like a pendulum, as if she was trying to hypnotize Mikuru. All it did was make her nauseous. Suddenly, Yuki placed Muu-chan in the palm of her hand and raised him in front of her mouth.

"Hmmm, you've always said that Muu-chan was sweet. I wonder if he tastes as good?" Yuki thought aloud. Mikuru watch in absolute fear as Yuki's tongue snaked out of her mouth and licked the lion's cute, puffy, little tail. Muu-chan tensed up instantly.

"You wouldn't..." said Mikuru, her body trembling. She'd once seen Yuki polish off thirty boxes of candy and ask for more. She wouldn't put this past her.

"Oh, I'd dare," said Yuki. "Now unless you want to see me bite a lion's head off, you'll fork over the headphones."

Mikuru grit her teeth, knowing full well that Yuki was probably not going to hand over her precious Muu-chan without a fight. Even if she did comply with the deal, Mikuru wanted to make Yuki suffer. Muu-chan would not spend the rest of his life in Yuki's digestive tract. Something this despicable could not go unpunished. And suddenly, Mikuru got an idea. It was sneaky, dirty, under-handed, and cowardly, but it was an idea.

"Okay, Yuki here you are," groaned Mikuru, extending the headphones. Yuki lowered the lion and reached forward.

"But first," said Mikuru retracting her hand, "Can I take off my apron? It's really, really hot in here."

Yuki sighed and crossed her arms as Mikuru began to unfasten the apron from around her waist. Mikuru undid the apron and held it in her hand to put in on the table.

As least that's what Yuki _thought _Mikuru was going to do.

She didn't expect Mikuru to suddenly swing the apron through the air, like a matador's cape directly at her. It wrapped itself around her head, confusing her long enough for Mikuru to dart around the table and snatch back Muu-chan. While she was at it, Mikuru gave Yuki a swift elbow to the stomach. The sharp intake of breath was music to her ears. Leaving the apron on Yuki's head, Mikuru was back to the other side of the table, before the alien was recovering.

"Oh, Muu-chan! Don't you ever scare mommy like that ever again!" the time-traveler gushed. She bent down and placed the happy plushy inside the safety of her school bag and closed it. Just as she was getting to her feet, Mikuru heard a bone-chilling sound behind her.

_Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!_

Mikuru turned and saw that Yuki had placed both hands on the apron, and ripped it down the middle. Staring through the fabric, were two golden eyes that had the fires of hell burning behind them. Mikuru's blood ran cold.

"I wish you hadn't done that," Yuki said in a dead-on impersonation of Katz from 'Courage the Cowardly Dog'. She tossed the torn apron aside and slowly made her way towards Mikuru.

Realizing her life was in jeopardy, Mikuru backed up against the book shelf and began to hurl the books at Yuki in some vain attempt to slow her down. Most of the books were paperbacks, but occasionally she'd grab a hardback. Her projectiles soared through the air and struck Yuki in her head, chest, stomach, arms, and legs, but had no effect. Mikuru realized that Yuki's mind wasn't set on dodging; she was dead-set on reaching Mikuru and pummeling her into goo. Mikuru turned to grab another weapon, but saw that the shelf was bare. Turning around, Mikuru let out a yelp when she saw Yuki was invading her personal space. She grew even more afraid, when Yuki formed her right hand into a fist and threw a punch at her. Mikuru shut her eyes and-

_Boing._

Yuki and Mikuru blinked in surprise. Yuki's fist had struck Mikuru in the chest, but Mikuru seemed to be virtually unharmed. Puzzled, Yuki tried another strike in the same area.

_Boing._

Now Yuki could see that Mikuru's chest had absorbed the blows. Her breasts were acting like airbags and nullifying her punches. Drawing back in confusion, Yuki stared at her fist trying to figure out what to do. Mikuru however, was laughing in triumph.

"Ha!" Mikuru laughed. " You can't hurt me! I'm invincible! INVINCIB- OW!!!"

Mikuru reeled back from Yuki, clutching her left eye. Yuki stood with her fist in the air, smiling brightly. Mikuru teetered on her feet, still grasping at her injured eye. She faced Yuki with the intent on killing her.

"Hey!" the maid yelled. "You hit me in the eye! How low can you ge- AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!"

Once again, Yuki smacked Mikuru in the eye. Holding back the tears, Mikuru glared darkly at Yuki, who only said one thing...

"Heh."

Wanting revenge for her injured eye, Mikuru delivered a few punches to Yuki's chest. It was like hitting a wall. After about five punches, Mikuru looked up at Yuki, who's expression was bordering on amusement and pity. Cursing, Mikuru ran to the table where she brewed tea and began to move stuff around. Her body hid what she was doing. Yuki approached her from behind, arms crossed.

"Are you giving up already? I thought you had some more fight left in you?" asked Yuki in a condescending tone of voice. Mikuru chuckled.

"Hey Yuki..."

"Yes?"

"Would you like some tea?"

"........You ask me at a time like this? Well, I'm not in the mood. I'll have to decline your offer."

"Oh. That's too bad. Well then, how about..."

Suddenly Mikuru whirled around with a speed that even Yuki hadn't anticipated, tea tray in her hands.

"HOW ABOUT I JUST GIVE YOU SOME LUMPS INSTEAD!!!" she howled, swinging the tray at Yuki's face in a sideways direction.

_**THWOCK!**_

Mikuru stood motionless. She'd swung the tray with enough force to knock someone unconscious, but Yuki still stood. Yuki's body was rigid and her face had made an imprint on the tray. The time-traveler could easily make out the shape of the alien's nose and chin in the metal. Heart filled with dread, Mikuru popped the tray off Yuki's face and almost passed out. Her eyes were still open and her mouth was set in a hard line.

"That hurt," Yuki dead-panned. She began to take a step forward, but stopped suddenly. Her hand went to her nose and Mikuru instantly saw why. A thin trail of blood had begun to trickle out from her left nostril. Yuki held her blood-soaked hand in front of her and stared at it, like it was a car accident. Then she turned to Mikuru.

"You made me bleed," Yuki spoke softly.

"I-I-It was an accident. Honest!" Mikuru squeaked, her alcohol-induced rage dying down a bit.

"You made me bleed," Yuki repeated.

"I didn't know you would be hurt! I thought you would dodge it or something," Mikuru said, fearing for her life.

"You made me bleed," Yuki said a bit louder.

"I'm sorry!" Mikuru whined.

"YOU MADE ME BLEED!!!" Yuki roared, flipping the entire table over with one hand and causing Mikuru to fall on her butt. The maid, mad with fear, did the only thing she could do: She fled.

Seeing an opening, Mikuru dove between Yuki's legs and towards the door on her hands and knees. Still sore at the fact that her nose was leaking blood, Yuki bent over and grabbed Mikuru's ankles. Still desperately trying to claw away, Mikuru was petrified when Yuki flipped her onto her back and proceeded to sit on her stomach. Yuki was by no means heavy, but she was strong enough to restrain the time-traveler. Mikuru was pinned with her right arm under her back. Her left arm was free, but held down by Yuki's right hand. The sight of Yuki's bloody nose and her raging eyes hovering seven inches over her face was incredibly surreal.

"What are you going to do?" asked Mikuru, knowing she wouldn't like the answer. Yuki stopped glowering and seemed to think on this.

_Hmmmmmmm... What should I do now? She's clearly lost. I could let her go... No. I think I'll traumatize her in a way she's accustomed to...... _thought Yuki.

She gave Mikuru a lovely smile that sent shivers down her spine and said, "Actually Mikuru, I think I'm going to take a page out of Miss Suzumiya's book and punish you in a way you're more familiar with."

Mikuru's eyes bugged out when Yuki lifted her right hand in the air and moved her fingers suggestively. Then she started to bring it towards Mikuru's chest...

_No, no, no, no, no, NO! I will not be made into a toy for a person made out of ones and zeros! Wait! My arm's free! There's only one thing I can do...! _thought Mikuru. Before Yuki could molest her victim, the red-head brought her left hand over her eye and formed into the shape of the letter 'V'. Yuki paused and watched as Mikuru opened her mouth and yelled...

"MIKURU BEAM!!!"

.......... And nothing happened.

Yuki blinked a few times before saying, "If you really thought that would work, than you're an even bigger idiot than I thoug- AAAACCCKKK!!!"

When Yuki had dropped her guard to berate Mikuru, the time-traveler had been preparing a head-butt that successfully struck the orchid-haired girl in the forehead. Yuki rolled off and Mikuru got too her feet to catch her breath. Her victory was short lived as Yuki rushed towards her and put her in a head-lock. As if to add insult to injury, Yuki pointed Mikuru towards the wall near the window and began to bash Mikuru's skull against it. Repeatedly.

Head aching, vision failing thanks to her now swollen eye, Mikuru knew it was a matter of time before she lost consciousness. She had to do something. She flailed her arms wildly trying to grab something that would get Yuki to let go. As the alien rammed her into the wall for the fifth time, Mikuru's fingers wrapped around the handle of something smooth and heavy. With a grunt, Mikuru swung the object above her at the spot where she judged Yuki's head would be.

**CLUNK!**

Yuki's grip stiffened, but she didn't relent. Mikuru's head once again became romantically acquainted with Mr. Wall. Mikuru swung again.

**CLUNK!**

And again.

**CLUNK!**

And again.

**CLUNK!**

And again.

**CLUNK!**

And again.

**CLUNK!**

And again.

**CLUNK!**

That last blow did it, because Yuki's knees buckled and she dropped Mikuru, like a sack of potatoes. Mikuru fell to her knees and gasped a few times, before examining the object in her hands. It was her teapot. Chuckling at the irony of the situation, Mikuru turned towards Yuki to tease her.

"HA! In your face, Yuki! You just got served a steaming, hot cup of whoopass! Didja like i- Yuki?"

Yuki was lying on the floor face down. Her lavender colored hair was now red on the top. A small pool of blood was spreading around her head. Mikuru dropped the teapot with a crash. She couldn't believe her eyes.

"I killed Yuki," she said breathlessly. "I killed Yuki... I killed Yuki... I KILLED YUKI! OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!"

Mikuru spun around and started sobbing into her hands. Yuki was dead and it was all her fault.

"WHY?! WHY?! SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND!!! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HER?!?! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MISS SUZUMIYA!!!" Mikuru cried to no one in particular.

So preoccupied with weeping, Mikuru didn't see smallest sign of movement behind her.

She didn't see Yuki's eyes flutter open.

Didn't see her touch her bloody head wound.

Didn't see her grit her teeth in anger.

Didn't see her rise slowly to her feet.

And most importantly, Mikuru didn't see Yuki swing back her left leg and aim it directly at her butt.

But neither of them noticed the clubroom door being opened...

***

**10 minutes ago...**

***

Outside the clubroom, Haruhi, Kyon and Itsuki had their ears pressed up against the door. Itsuki was on the floor, Kyon was crouching above him, and Haruhi was standing above both of them. They were not going to let anything this juicy go unnoticed. Actually, Kyon was against the idea of listening in on the ensuing battle, but Haruhi said nagged him until he gave in. That and the fact she'd brought up the death penalty.

"What do think they're doing?" inquired Haruhi. Kyon gave her a shrug. Most of the time, loud crashes and screams came from the room with the occasional sound of talking. Haruhi cursed the fact that the door muffled most of the sounds.

In this mind, Kyon pictured Mikuru and Yuki throttling each, like wild beasts. He thought of Mikuru's top coming undone and Yuki's skirt flying about... Then Haruhi noticed the goofy grin on Kyon's face and gave him a karate chop to the head.

"I wonder what they're saying?" Itsuki mused, placing a hand near his ear. He was glad he'd taken the scissors from the table, before he left. Otherwise...

"Maybe they're making up?" Kyon tried, rubbing the back of his head. The sound of something hitting the floor told him otherwise.

"Oh crap!" yelled Haruhi, slamming a fist into an open palm. Kyon glanced up at her.

"What?"

"I should totally be filming this! People will pay a lot of cash to see two hotties duke it out! Imagine the hits our website would get if we posted it up! If only I had my camcorder! What rotten luck!"

Kyon gaped at Haruhi, then screamed, "DO YOU HAVE ANY MORALS AT ALL!!!"

Haruhi frowned at Kyon, but before could answer him, her reply was drowned out by a new voice in the hall.

"Hey guys! ...Why are you all stacked up against the door?"

The trio turned simultaneously and saw Kyon's friend, Taniguchi, standing behind them. They quickly stood up in embarrassment. He and Kunikida had helped them bring up the costumes to the clubroom earlier.

"Oh it's just you, Taniguchi. We were just checking the door for termites! Yup, no termites at all!" lied Kyon. If Taniguchi found out about Mikuru and Yuki fighting, he'd spread it throughout the school like wildfire. Kyon knew first-hand that the self-proclaimed ladies' man was a notorious gossip.

"Termites? I thought the school sprayed for bugs a month ago?" the silver-haired boy wondered aloud. Kyon took a peek at Haruhi, who was giving him a look that clearly said, 'How big of an idiot are you?'. He turned back to Taniguchi.

"Uhhh... A few stragglers survived?" Kyon tried.

"Sure... Hey! Where are Asahina and Nagato? Did they go home early?" Taniguchi asked.

"Actually, there in the clubroom right now. They don't want to be disturbed right now. They're in there cleaning."

A series of sounds, like metal striking someone's skull and loud sobbing resonated from inside the room.

"Okay, then...... I just came to get my book bag. I think I put it down in there somewhere when we were unloading those costumes. I'll be real quick okay?" said Taniguchi, moving towards the door.

Kyon put a hand on Taniguchi's shoulder, before saying, "You don't really want to do that."

Unfortunately, Haruhi's curiosity for what was going on inside the clubroom was wearing thin, so she said, "Maybe it wouldn't hurt to have a little peek..."

Kyon gave her disapproving glare and said, "What? You're the one who made us leave in the first place! What's wrong with you?!"

"Catfights are pretty sexy..." Haruhi whined to herself. At the mention of the word 'catfights', Taniguchi's interest piqued, so he opened the door. Kyon and Haruhi stopped arguing and Itsuki's body froze like a statue. Taniguchi's jaw dropped.

What happened next is possibly the closest thing to sex Taniguchi would ever receive in high school.

The second Kyon's friend had opened the door, Mikuru's body literally came flying out of the room. Screaming like a banshee, Mikuru's chest connected with Taniguchi's face with such force, that the two flew into the wall behind him. Taniguchi's head hit the wall first and the rest of Mikuru's body flew into him. The two teens just hung there on the wall for three seconds, before they finally slid off onto the floor, with Mikuru covering Taniguchi, like a blanket. The whole experience was quick, painful, and embarrassing. So in a way, it was kind of like sex.

Kyon was over to inspect them and to his surprise, Mikuru shakily stood up and started rubbing her left eye. He glanced down at Taniguchi and saw that the poor boy was unconscious. Kyon didn't expect to see a big, fat smile on his face, though.

"Are you all right, Miss Asahina?" Kyon asked softly. Already Haruhi and Itsuki had come up to check on her. Mikuru gurgled something, then removed her hand from her face. Kyon and the others gasped. Mikuru's left eye now sported a nice, big shiner on it and was almost swollen shut. Before they could ask her about it, Mikuru looked over their shoulders and screamed. Then she bolted down the hallway and went down the right corridor at the end. The three were bewildered by what had caused her to do that, until they turned around. Then Itsuki let out a girly scream.

Standing in the middle of the room was Yuki, with her foot still in the air from where she had kicked Mikuru's rump. She lowered her foot and stomped out of the room, until she was standing in front of her three friends. They gaped at her blood-soaked hair and nose. Kyon gulped. Yuki's pupils were narrowed like slits and looked like a jungle cat's. It was almost as if she was seeking out her prey...

"N-N-Nagato...? Are you okay?" Itsuki asked nervously.

Yuki didn't seem to hear the yes-men and instead asked... "**WHERE. IS. SHE?**"

Peering over Yuki's shoulder, Haruhi let out a choking sound when she saw the condition of the clubroom. The table was flipped over, chairs were on their sides, and books littered the floor. The window even seemed to have a small crack on it.

"Yuki!" demanded Haruhi, "What the hell did you do to MY clubroom?! It's a wreck! You are so going to get a death penalty for this!"

Yuki let out a beastly growl and whirled on Haruhi, who's brave front crumbled instantly. She jabbed her finger into Haruhi's throat.

"**FIRST OF ALL,**" Yuki bellowed, "**THAT ROOM IS THE LITERARY ROOM, AND IT BELONGS TO ME!!! I'LL DO WHATEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE IN IT!!! YOUR STUPID CLUB WOULDN'T EVEN EXIST IF I DIDN'T GIVE UP MY ROOM TO YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! NOW SIT DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND LET ME TALK TO KYON AND KOIZUMI, YOU OBNOXIOUS, DEMANDING, SELF-CENTERED TYRANT!!!**"

Haruhi backed up against the wall, blinked a few times, and slid down to the floor. Her mouth was a tiny 'o' of surprise. Pleased that she had scared the crap out of Haruhi, Yuki turned to the boys. Both of them looked like they had just witnessed a public hanging.

"Now, Kyon..." Yuki inquired sweetly, "Where did Mikuru go?"

Kyon took deep breath and said, "Please, Nagato! Calm down! This isn't like you at all! Why the hell are you acting so out of character, anyway!"

Itsuki stepped up and put in his own two cents. "Yes Nagato, please control yourself. Why don't we sit down, clean up your wounds, give you a book that you haven't read yet, and fix up the room. Would like that?"

Yuki expression softened and she said, "Actually...... There is something I want."

"Oh?" said Itsuki. "What's that?"

The moment those words left his mouth, Yuki lunged forward and grabbed his tie and Kyon's, and pulled them towards her face. The two males shook with fear as Yuki held them in her grip. Menace radiated from her body, like an angry furnace.

"**I WANT MIKURU'S HEAD ON A SILVER PLATTER!!! NOW TELL ME WHICH WAY SHE WENT!!! OR DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE?!?!**"

Cursing himself for his cowardice, Kyon lifted a quivering finger. He pointed it down the hallway's right corner where Mikuru had run off to. Yuki dropped them to the floor.

"Thank you."

And then she flew down the hall at an unnatural speed and was gone.

There was two minutes of silence and finally, Itsuki said in a voice as quiet as a ghost's whisper, "My life flashed before my eyes."

"Mine too," Kyon whimpered. Yuki had scared him in a way Ryoko could ever hope to achieve. Then Kyon noticed something in the air. He sniffed.

"What's that smell?" he asked.

Itsuki sniffed too. "It kind of smells like..."

Then they both noticed Haruhi, who was lying on a pile of costumes on the floor and shivering in the fetal position. She noticed their gazes and gave them a shameful look.

"I'm sorry, " she said meekly.

Kyon groaned and started to fan the smell away with both hands.

"Gross!"

Then as if karma came to bite him in the ass, Itsuki pointed at the puddle of yellow liquid spreading out from Kyon's pants, and he facepalmed.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: Two more parts and AVTT is done. Next up is the chase! Be on the lookout for Emo Kimidori!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	24. AVTT: Part 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: THEY CHANGED THE FREAKING CATEGORY FOR THIS SERIES AND I COULDN'T FIND IT FOR FIVE MINUTES!!! I ALMOST DIED OF A HEART ATTACK!!!**

**...So, here's part five. And for the sake of plot, let's pretend Haruhi's school has an indoor cafeteria, since in the anime I've never seen one. I know they usually eat in their classroom or the clubroom, but I've got a literary license! Enjoy. **

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Part Five: AVTT- Alien Versus Time-traveler:**

All was quiet in the school cafeteria. The only sound that could be heard, was the sound of someone noisily slurping.

"Oh, Jell-O! Is there any other dessert in the world as funs as you!" cried a jubilant voice.

The voice belonged to Tsuruya, who was sitting at a table all by herself, and enjoying her lunch. She had spent her lunchtime helping Haruhi organizing costumes, and hadn't gotten a chance to eat it at all. Since her family occasionally helped out with the school events, the lunch ladies were more than happy enough to let Tsuruya eat while they were packing up for the day. Her lunch consisted of a healthy salad (which would be eaten last), a ham and smoked cheese sandwich, an apple, and a small bowl of lime-green Jell-O with whipped cream. And like most kids, Tsuruya decided to eat her dessert first. Swallowing down a green cube, Tsuruya scooped up another one with whipped cream to pop into her awaiting mouth...

At least, that was her plan until the cafeteria doors were flung open. Turning her head to the cause of the noise, Tsuruya beamed at who it was.

"Hi, Mikuru!" Tsuruya shouted in an unnaturally loud voice. "I was justs having some Jell-O! Want a piece?"

"Shhhhhhhhh!" shushed an almost out of breath Mikuru, waving her hands frantically, like she was putting out a small blaze. "She'll hear you and find me!"

Tsuruya cocked her head to the side in confusion. "Huh? Who's gonna find you?"

Instead of answering back, Mikuru shut the doors behind her and grabbed a broom that was propped up against the walls. She then slid it into the handles of the doors, effectively barring entry to the cafeteria. Mikuru then ran over to a nearby table and began to slide it over to door. Wondering why her friend was doing this, Tsuruya got up from her seat and approached her.

"Mikuru? Are you all right? Why are you acting like a mega, scary monster is chasing you?" asked Tsuruya.

Mikuru stopped stacking garbage cans on the table and yelled, "Because there is!"

Unsure whether to laugh at her friend's behavior or start calling the funny farm, Tsuruya watched as Mikuru finished her task. The red-head looked at her handiwork for three seconds before running over to her friend.

"Tsuruya! You and I have been pals for a long time right?"

"Yeah, Mikuru! We're best friends until the- Why do you smell so funny?"

"I'll give you the details later! Right now I need you to-"

BAM!

Mikuru spun towards the door, wearing a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look. "OH NO! SHE'S HERE!!!"

"Who's here?!" yelled Tsuruya, feeling a little annoyed at being left out of the loop. Rather than answer, Mikuru ran behind Tsuruya and crouched. This wasn't a very effective tactic to begin with, since Tsuruya was much leaner than Mikuru and therefore didn't provide much cover. Before the fanged girl could get any words out of her mouth, three things happened.

First, the cafeteria doors flew open with force that the broom in the handles split in two.

Second, the small barrier Mikuru had set up was flung away.

Third, a blood-stained Yuki was now standing in front of Tsuruya.

"Hi, Yuki!" said a completely oblivious Tsuruya. "...Did you trip and have an accident?"

Yuki sniffed the air like a bloodhound then noticed the quivering mass of purple behind the green-haired girl.

"I SEE YOU, WORM!"

Grinning predatorily, Yuki stalked around Tsuruya to claim her prey-

_Thunk!_

And was rewarded for her efforts with an apple to the face. Mikuru smirked at her pursuer and started crawling underneath Tsuruya's table to make some distance between her and Yuki. Clutching her already wounded nose, Yuki searched for a weapon and found one. Snatching an item off the table, Yuki slung her arm back for a throw. Tsuruya noticed whatYuki was holding and her eyes went wide.

"NO, YUKI!!! THAT'S MY-"

But Tsuruya's plea went unheard as Yuki hurled her weapon at the already standing Mikuru.

_SPLUT!_

"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!! I'm blind!" screamed Mikuru. The time-traveler's hands went up to her eyes in an effort to wipe away the Jell-O and whipped cream that had stolen her vision. Yuki, still holding the bowl of Jell-O, dipped her hand into it again and flung some more at her enemy. Bits of green and white decorated her maid outfit now. Some of it even dribbled down her blouse. Yuki continued to throw until Mikuru turned to yell at her.

"Quit it! I can't see shi- GUUUUUUURRRRRRKKKKKK!!!"

While yelling, one of Yuki's Jell-O cubes went straight down Mikuru's open mouth. She clutched her throat and stumbled about towards the other two girls. She was making a noise that sound like a cross between a duck's quack and a pig's oink.

"Oh no! Mikuru's choking!" cried Tsuruya. Yuki just stared.

"I'm not choking!" Mikuru said suddenly, startling Yuki and Tsuruya. "Jell-O just makes me really... OH GOD!!!"

Mikuru made a few gagging sounds and her eyes went wide. She quickly grabbed something off the floor and started vomiting into it. Tsuruya's face filled with disgust and surprise.

"Mikuru! THAT'S MY SCHOOL BAG!!!"

Realizing what she was holding, Mikuru dropped the bag on the floor in embarrassment. This gave Yuki ample time to heave another glob at Mikuru's hair. Seeing she was now out of ammo, Yuki tossed the semi-empty cup over her shoulder.

...Unfortunately, it landed on Tsuruya's chest. The alien either ignored or didn't hear the shout of 'Ahhhh! Yuki!' from behind her. She was too busy keeping her eyes on Mikuru, who trying to wring whipped cream out of her hair.

"Damn you, Yuki! Eat this!"

And with that, Mikuru swiped the Tupperware container with Tsuruya's salad in it. Yuki was prepared to dodge any veggie missiles Mikuru was about to toss. Mikuru started to open the still-closed container, but her fingers were still slimy from the whipped-cream. After a few seconds of struggling with it, Mikuru shrugged and lobbed the whole thing at Yuki. Rather than duck, Yuki delivered a lightning fast swipe at the oncoming salad container. The blow jarred the lid loose and sent it up in the air....

And came down on Tsuruya's forehead.

"WHAT'S GOING ON!!!" Tsuruya demanded, trying to wipe off dressing and shredded carrots off her cranium. Once again, Tsuruya was ignored as Mikuru tore past Yuki and ran towards the still open cafeteria doors. Yuki tried to grab her, but missed. Mikuru wasn't as smart as Yuki, or as strong, but when she was scared, she ran like the wind. Cursing, Yuki bound after Mikuru into the hallway (stomping on Tsuruya's school bag in the process), yelling death threats all the while.

"YOU CAN'T RUN FOREVER, MIKURU!!! SOONER OR LATER I'M GOING TO CATCH YOU AND FEED YOU YOUR OWN CLAVICLE!!!

Tsuruya stood in the cafeteria by herself. She was completely astounded. What could have driven Mikuru and Yuki to act like that? Tsuruya went over to her crushed, smelly school bag (which was also leaking fruit punch from the flattened thermos inside) and gave it a once-over. She silently thanked her mother for suggesting to put all of her important notes into binders. Glancing back at the table, Tsuruya was glad to see that her sandwich survived the onslaught.

_At least I'll get to eat that. All that ham and smoked cheese...... Oh no!_

Tsuruya tore open her bag and peered into it. Her eyes grew to the size of basketballs.

_Oh no... _thought Tsuruya. _Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Nonononononononononononononononononononononononononono..........._

Mikuru and Yuki were in the halls running, so they were too far away from the cafeteria. The cafeteria workers however, weren't. So imagine their surprise when they looked up from washing today's cooking utensils to listen to an incredibly odd noise. If anyone had been walking around the vicinity, they would have heard it too.

A ferocious, sorrowful, ear-piercing wail that chilled the blood.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: Up next... the conclusion. Then genderbent AntiSOS Brigade. Then emo poems! **

**Also people, I have two more ideas for chapters: **

**A TMOHS parody based on Mystery Science Theater 3000, with Kyon as Joel Robinson and Yuki, Ryoko, Emiri, and Kuyou as the robots.**

**A Monty Python based sketch starring the Anti-SOS Brigade. When Tsuruya, Ryoko, Kyon's sister, and Emiri form their own Brigade to oppose Haruhi's, Sasaki and her gang won't have it! After all...**

**NOBODY EXPECTS THE ANTI-SOS BRIGADE!**

**...So, yeah.**

**Which one would you guys like to see first?**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	25. AVTT: Part 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Here it is. The final part. I hope you enjoy this.**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Part Six: AVTT- Alien Versus Time-traveler:**

After a trip to the restroom to clean themselves up, Haruhi and Kyon were back in the hall way leaning against the wall with Itsuki . They had propped up the comatose Taniguchi on the costume pile after making sure that he would be okay. He probably wouldn't remember much, but that stupid look on his face told them otherwise. Kyon looked over at his Brigade Chief. Since Haruhi didn't have a spare skirt to wear, Itsuki being the gentleman-suck-up that he is, offered to give Haruhi his blazer to wear around her waist. Kyon wasn't so fortunate...

"Why do I have wear this in the first place?"

"Because Kyon, that was the only manly costume we had lying around."

"Why, oh why, would we ever need a kilt?"

"Ya never know when the opportunity may arise!"

Kyon groaned and started to smooth out his plaid garment. It was noticeably chilly. Itsuki gave Kyon a big, Pixie-stick smile and walked up to him.

"Don't be sad, Kyon. I think that kilt looks quite dashing on you! It really shows off your legs."

Kyon backed very FAR away from Itsuki. Suddenly, Haruhi stepped away from the wall and looked around. She put a hand to her ear.

"Guys! I hear something! It sounds like yelling! Something's headed this way!"

Kyon suddenly looked very ill. Itsuki went to the middle of the hall and got down on his knees. And as if to confuse the goddess and errand-boy even further, he placed his head on the floor so that his ear was against it.

Kyon facepalmed for the umpteenth time that day. "Koizumi.... what the hell are you doing?"

"Shhh!" shushed Itsuki. "I'm trying to judge how far away the object Miss Suzumiya heard is. By lying on the ground like this, I'll be able to sense the vibrations and make an accurate estimate of how close whatever is coming is getting."

_What a genius! _thought Haruhi.

_What an idiot... _thought Kyon.

Suddenly, from around the corner in the hall, a Jell-O-covered Mikuru appeared and began rushing towards them. She was obviously out of breath, but continued to run nonetheless, like an asthmatic racehorse. Kyon spotted her and so did Haruhi. Both of them gaped in surprise. Itsuki was facing the other way, so he couldn't see her. Haruhi saw that at the rate that Mikuru was rushing, she would probably crash right into her second in command.

"Koizumi! Get up!" shouted Haruhi.

Itsuki held up his finger. "Wait a minute, Miss Suzumiya. I hear something... it's getting closer. Very close now. I can feel it."

Kyon watched in amazement as Mikuru continued to run towards Itsuki, and instead of smashing into the esper, she leapt over his entire body, like a gazelle. She then performed a half-turn and darted into the clubroom. Haruhi and Kyon were speechless.

"Was that Miss Asahina?" asked a clueless Itsuki.

A second later, Yuki rushed into the corridor and made a beeline for them. The Humanoid Interface's face was glistening with sweat and dried blood. If Mikuru was a racehorse, then Yuki was a cheetah with a hernia. She was running so fast that Kyon and Haruhi couldn't hear her footsteps. Neither could Itsuki.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY, KOIZUMI!!!" hollered Kyon.

"Why?" asked Itsuki finally picking himself off the ground. Yuki's right foot smashed into the exact same spot where his head had been a moment ago. The alien passed them all and flew into the clubroom.

Itsuki blinked a few times before beaming. "Hey, I was right! Nagato and Miss Asahina were coming! Now we can talk to them and settle this whole thi- Kyon? Miss Suzumiya?"

Kyon and Haruhi hadn't exactly heard him. They'd fainted dead away.

***

Once inside the room Yuki took a moment to catch her breath.

That damned maid had made an entire lap around the whole school. Yuki had chased Mikuru up and down several stairways, through the many halls, across the track field, through the auditorium, past the teacher's lounge, and back to the clubroom. She wasn't used to this strenuous activity; it was taking a toll on her body and she still hadn't healed herself from her earlier mishaps. Even she had her limits. But deep down Yuki knew that Mikuru wasn't faring better either. That accident in the lunchroom and the constant running had probably sobered her up somewhat. And without alcohol in her veins, Mikuru wasn't much of a threat. Scanning the room, Yuki saw that it was empty. She knew that Mikuru was probably lurking in here somewhere. She took a step into the room...

A second step...

A third step...

A four-

_Click._

The door locked behind her.

"**YAAAAAAAHHHHH!**"

Yuki spun around and held up her arm like a shield and allowed it to absorb the blow. Mikuru had been hiding behind the door and armed herself with a pointer stick from the black board in the room. Mikuru recoiled from the shock of having her attack deflected. She held the stick like a sword.

"En guarde!" she proclaimed.

Yuki just stared at Mikuru like she had an extra pair of arms. With a cry of fury, Mikuru jabbed a few times at Yuki's face and body with her pointer stick. Yuki weaved and bobbed out of the way each time. It was during the eighth swing, that Mikuru propped herself up against the blackboard to rest.

"You're getting sluggish aren't you, Mikuru? Running out of booze, hmmmmm? And even if you were still drunk, that twig won't help you," Yuki taunted.

Mikuru growled. "Oh, shut up! That's one thing I'm sick of! You talk like you think you're better than me! Eat this!"

Then she thrust the stick into Yuki's belly. The Humanoid Interface grunted and knelt to the floor. Mikuru couldn't believe her eyes. Had she found Yuki's weak spot? When she didn't back up, Mikuru stepped a little closer.

"Ummmm.... Are you okay?" the time-traveler asked.

"I haven't healed myself since we started fighting. Even though my physical prowess is above that of a normal human being's, I'm not invincible. My body can only take so much..." Yuki said weakly.

Heart riddled with guilt, Mikuru reached forward to help Yuki to her feet. This had gone on for far too long.

"I'm sorry, Yuki!" Mikuru squeaked. "Don't worry about anything! I've learned my lesson for today!"

Yuki glanced up and saw Mikuru's outstretched hand. She smiled and took it. Mikuru smiled back.

Then Mikuru saw the gleam in Yuki's eye.

Yuki's foot lashed out like a snake at Mikuru's ankles. And once again, the time-traveler was lying on floor on her stomach. She glared up at the now standing Yuki.

"What the hell, Yuki! I told you I learned my lesson!"

"Actually, you didn't. The lesson for today is this: Never let your guard down around an intellectually superior opponent."

"Enough with the big words!"

Angry at herself for being so gullible, Mikuru lunged at Yuki from her position on the floor. She was trying to grab Yuki's hands so she could get her on the floor, but Yuki anticipated the maneuver and took a step back. Unfortunately, Mikuru was a bit faster and grabbed something.

That something _wasn't _Yuki's hands.

Pulling herself up off the floor, Mikuru rubbed her aching shoulder. Then she noticed the semi-blushing face of Yuki and the stare she was giving her. It was like a mixture between astonishment and anger. Mikuru followed Yuki's eyes and saw that they weren't trained on her, but on Mikuru's hands. Mikuru looked down at what she was holding and almost did a double take.

It was Yuki's skirt.

_Oh crap..._ thought Mikuru.

".......................... DIE!!!" screeched Yuki, swooping down on Mikuru, like an avenging angel clad in white and blue-striped panties. Mikuru fell under Yuki's weight and ended up on her back with Yuki on top of her. This seemed to be happening a lot lately. The alien was obviously not taking the fact that she was just pantsed very well and began to throttle Mikuru. Not one to take things lying down (most of the time anyways), Mikuru squirmed out of Yuki's grip for a moment and delivered a powerful kick to her abdomen with both feet. Yuki went flying back, but when Mikuru had kicked her, she failed to notice that Yuki had grabbed the blouse of Mikuru's maid outfit in the struggle...

_Riiiiiiiiiiip..._

And it was now being held in her hands. Yuki stared at the torn piece of clothing like it was a newly discovered organism. Yuki glanced at Mikuru, who was trying to desperately find something to cover up her exposed skin and frilly, purple bra. Haruhi would have fit when she found out that her favorite outfit of Mikuru's was ruined. Upon not finding anything, Mikuru crossed her arms over her large chest and cast a malicious look at Yuki.

"I can't believe you did that!"

"It was an accident... And you did it first!"

"Now that WAS an accident! You moved way too fast, you liar!"

"Better to be a liar than a temptress!"

"I'LL END YOU, BOOKWORM!!!"

"BRING IT ON, MOEBLOB!!!"

And the two charged at each other and began their fight once more. Mikuru knew that Yuki was weakening, so she put her weight into her shoulder and rammed Yuki. The alien was caught off-guard and went down to the floor in an instant, like an opera singer at closing time. Mikuru then body-slammed Yuki and began started to bang her head on the ground, only to be stopped halfway when Yuki's fingers wrapped around her throat. Gasping for breath, Mikuru sat up and was instantly bashed in the cheek by Yuki's forehead. The two girls rolled around the floor of the clubroom, each of them trying to gain an advantage over the other, but unable to succeed. They were even matched. At one point, they almost crushed Yuki's headphones on the floor and Mikuru's bag which contained Muu-chan. Both items were spared. It seemed that Yuki and Mikuru would continue their fight until the sun set and school closed. They probably would have kept fighting forever, until the clubroom door swung open.

"I FOUND YOU, TWO!!!" snarled a voice dripping with hate.

Yuki stopped biting Mikuru's left arm and Mikuru stopped giving Yuki a noogie. The two half-naked girls froze on the spot and looked at the room's new occupant.

"Tsuruya?" said a dumbfounded Mikuru.

Tsuruya stood at the door's threshold, mouth set in a savage sneer. Her school uniform was caked with lime Jell-O and whipped cream, her forehead had salad dressing and a piece of lettuce on it, and she was clutching something in her hands. Her eyes burned with rage and hunger.

"Are you okay, Tsuruya?" asked Mikuru, who was trying not to lose control of her bowels. Beside her, Yuki released her hold on Mikuru's arm and stared at Tsuruya. She sensed something VERY wrong with the green-haired girl. Tsuruya stepped into the room, breathing heavily, and gritting her teeth.

_Has her fang always been that sharp?_, Yuki thought to herself, scooting away from Tsuruya from her place on the floor. Beside her, Mikuru mimicked her action. She felt very uncomfortable.

"Am I okay? AM I OKAY?!" yelled Tsuruya. "OF COURSE I'M NOT OKAY!!! I WAS JUST MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, WHEN YOU TWO BURST IN AND RUINED MY LUNCH!!! I HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING SINCE BREAKFAST!!! I'M STARVING!!!"

Mikuru and Yuki backed further away from Tsuruya. Yuki then noticed that Mikuru was now clinging to her like velcro. She didn't blame her.

Tsuruya continued her insanity- induced rant. "I CAN FORGET THE JELL-O AND THE SALAD!!! HELL, I CAN EVEN LOOK THE OTHER WAY WHEN MIKURU TOSSED HER COOKIES IN MY SCHOOL BAG!!! BUT THIS... THIS I CAN NEVER FORGIVE!!!"

And with that quip, Tsuruya threw the item she was holding to the floor. Now Yuki and Mikuru could see what it was.

It was a gooey, wet, yellow, rounded object with some plastic wrap that was torn on one side covering it. There was a shoe print on the top of it and it smelled of alcohol and stomach acid.

"What is that?" asked Yuki, even though she already knew the answer.

Tsuruya smiled evilly and started laughing. It was the kind of laughter you would hear from a super-villain or Hannibal Lector.

"Ha ha ha ha ha! That's a good one, Yuki! BOTH OF YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW!!! IT'S A WHEEL OF SMOKED CHEESE THAT I WAS SAVING FOR LATER IN MY BAG!!! AND NOW IT'S MEGAS RUINED!!!" she yelled at them, flecks of foam flying from her lips. Yuki and Mikuru backed away until their backs were touching the wall behind them. They shivered in absolute terror.

Tsuruya advanced on them, while giggling like a maniac. "SMOKED CHEESE IS THE ONE THING IN THE WORLD THAT KEEPS ME GOING!!! I WAS GONNA EAT IT WHEN I GOT HOME, BUT NOW I CAN'T DO THAT, NOW CAN I!?!? MY FAMILY HAS A SPECIAL RULE... WHEN WE'RE WRONGED, WE GETS EVEN!!! I'M GOING TO BREAK BOTH OF YOU DOWN SO UTTERLY, THAT YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO RISE UP AGAINST ME AGAIN!!!"

She pointed a finger at Yuki, who nearly wilted and said, "You're first."

Mikuru knew that as soon as Tsuruya was done doing god knows what to Yuki, she'd set her eyes on her. Friends did very weird things when they were angry. Mikuru crawled away from Yuki, who looked like she was about to have a stroke. Fearing for her survival, Yuki summoned a shield of blue energy between herself and Tsuruya. The fanged girl stared at it, then started to claw savagely at it, much like a rabid animal. And to Yuki's amazement, A few hair-line cracks began to show up in the shield.

_What in the world is she? Not even the cave cricket we fought back could damage my shield... I'm going to die here... Or at least get seriously injured, _thought Yuki as Tsuruya continued to pound against the shield. Finally, Tsuruya placed both hands against it and leaned back...

Yuki's eyes widened. _Oh dear..._

_CRACK!_

Yuki's shield shattered like glass from the impact of Tsuruya's massive forehead. She stalked towards the Humanoid Interface with a sadistic grin on her lips.

"Now I have you..." she cackled, her fingers stretched out like claws. She prepared to jump at Yuki-

_**THWOCK!**_

And folded in on herself like an umbrella.

Yuki was stunned. Standing behind Tsuruya's body, tea tray in her hands, was Mikuru. The maid had her mouth set in a complete 'o' of surprise. Then she shook her head and ran over to Yuki.

"God, my head hurts... Are you okay, Yu- I mean Nagato?" Mikuru asked.

Yuki nodded. "Thank you for rescuing me, Miss Asahina. I thought Tsuruya was going to devour me. I am grateful for your help."

"Sorry I... beat you up earlier."

"......You did not beat me up. You attacked me in a drunken rage and I defended myself. But I too am at fault as well. I let my emotions get the better of me."

"Oh no, Nagato! You did what any normal person would have done! I don't blame you for what you did. I do drink a little too much... You were a little scary, though."

"Yes, I believe I was exhibiting the emotion most human beings all refer to as 'batshit insane'. Is that correct?"

"Err... sure. Look, I'm sorry about what I said about Kyon. He's your friend just as much he is as mine. I shouldn't have accused you."

"And I am sorry about those derogatory remarks I made about your appearance."

"Hey! I got an idea! I'll buy you one of those... games that you like so much! Would you like that?"

"I would like that. And I will try to help you overcome your alcohol addiction."

"Thanks! You can come with me to an AAA meeting! We can have cookies and juice and-"

"YAAAAARRRRGH!!!"

The two girls looked back at Tsuruya, who was now standing up with huge bump on her head. Her nostrils flared in and out like a bull's.

"THAT REALLY HURT, YA KNOW!!!" she roared.

Tsuruya flew at them like a bird of prey, but the two girls dodged and ran behind her. Looking back at Tsuruya, Mikuru and Yuki saw that her body was enveloped in a green aura of energy. It was almost as if she was going Super Sayin. Mikuru and Yuki looked at each other.

"What do we do?!" asked the time-traveler frantically.

"Fleeing would be a good idea," suggested Yuki, grabbing Mikuru's hand and pulling her.

The two bolted out the door with Tsuruya hot on their heels. The group passed by Itsuki, the revived Kyon and Haruhi, and the comatose Taniguchi. The esper, goddess, and errand-boy watched in bewilderment as the trio ran past them. Mikuru and Yuki were half-naked and covered in food and blood, and Tsuruya seemed to be possessed by a demonic force. Kyon wasn't sure whether to be aroused or disturbed.

"NYORO RAGE!!!" shouted Tsuruya as they disappeared around the corner. Kyon and Haruhi exchanged a couple of 'WTF!' looks and Itsuki just shrugged. Haruhi peered into her clubroom and almost went into cardiac arrest.

"MY CLUBROOM!!!" she cried, hands on top of her head. "IT'S RUINED!!!"

A few minutes later, Kyon and Itsuki were cleaning up the room, while Haruhi supervised. And by supervised, I mean sitting in a chair and having a drink.

"Say, Koiuzmi," said Kyon, while they were setting up the table, "Do you think that Miss Asahina and Nagato will ever forgive each other?"

"I think they already have," said Itsuki with a Cheshire Cat grin.

"How do figure that?"

"Come with me."

Itsuki led Kyon over to the window and pointed down at the front gate. Kyon peered down and to his surprise, saw that there were three figures down there running in a circle. Mikuru and Yuki were holding hands and trying to stay out of Tsuruya's reach, who at the moment was swiping at their backs and shouting some rather obscene words.

"You see that?" said Itsuki. "Friends may quarrel now and again, but only true friends would come to each other's aid in times of need. I knew they would resolve their differences, if given enough time. And even if they continued to squabble, the introduction of a greater force would have stopped them. In this case, the force is Tsuruya."

Kyon looked doubtful. "So you're saying that the only reason they're helping each other is to avoid a greater peril?"

"Exactly, my dear, Kyon."

"........Koizumi?"

"Yes?"

"You're a douchebag."

***

The fundraiser was a success. Plenty of people came to watch the show and had good time (Though unbeknownst to Haruhi, the crowd thought the show was a comedy instead of a romantic adventure like she wrote the story to be). Still, at the end they received a standing ovation from the audience and bowed. During the bow two of actresses exchanged a friendly glance. They'd put aside their differences and grown closer. Hopefully it would stay that way and the princess and the dragon could remain the best of friends.

Although, the part when Tsuruya jumped on stage and started chasing the two of them offstage with a prop sword was definitely not part of the act.

Yuki would later learn from Mikuru that Tsuruya could hold a grudge.

For a long, long time.

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**A/N: Don't mess with LOL Fang-tan's cheese. She will eat you.**

**Logically speaking, I think Yuki could take Mikuru. Then that means the only one who can beat her is Tsuruya! ...Does that mean that Emiri can take on Tsuruya? ...Not a chance.**

**Stayed tuned for:**

**Sex-changes!**

**Razorblades!**

**Perv Kyon!**

**Pairings that shouldn't be!**

**FAN ART!**

**And the Spanish Inquisition!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	26. Bending the Baddies

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I wonder if I'm the first person to write about the genderbent Anti-SOS Brigade. Other than Sasaki, there's absolutely no fan art of genderbent Kyoko, Kuyou, or Fujiwara, so the descriptions are purely my own. Contains randomness. Have a good laugh!**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**The Other Side of Evil:**

Kyon sat in the booth of the coffee shop, wearing a stunned expression on his face. He'd received a message in his shoe cubby afterschool, telling him to arrive here. He didn't need directions, though; he'd already been here a month ago. It had been the place where he'd met with Sasaki and her little entourage. Kyon had a feeling it was them who'd sent him the note. They probably wanted to chat about Haruhi's powers again. Kyon had spent a few minutes on the walk over there trying to come up with a few decent responses. He'd been completely prepared.

He just hadn't expected........ this.

Occupying the booth with Kyon, were three boys who he'd never seen before in his life. But deep in his heart, he had.

The first boy sitting across from him had an athletic build, but wasn't overly muscular. He wore a serene smile on his face and had short, chestnut-brown hair. He was dressed rather casually, clad in a T-shirt and jeans.

The second boy was sitting right next to Kyon. He bore an eerie resemblance to Itsuki, right down to the creepy smile. It was almost like he was a distant cousin or a long-lost twin brother of the esper. The only difference was that his hair was lighter with an almost reddish tint to it and a cow-lick on the left side. He too was dressed casually, donning a brown jacket and a simple shirt and pants combo.

The third boy was seated right next to the first. He was the shortest of the three and he wore a blank look on his face as he stared at Kyon with eyes like marbles. His hair was a midnight black and set in a bowl-cut. Kyon saw that the boy was wearing an all black outfit; Black hoodie, black pants, black shoes, and black socks. A true case of shouta if Kyon ever saw one.

Kyon didn't want to believe it, but it was true.

He was staring at the male versions of Sasaki, Kyouko Tachibana, and Kuyou Suou.

"What the hell happened to you guys?" asked a flabbergasted Kyon. He wasn't the only one who was surprised; at the counter of the shop, Emiri Kimidori stared at the party with a wide-eyed expression.

Male Sasaki waved a hand at his question and said in a lofty voice, "Don't fret, Kyon. All will be explained in good time."

"Yes," said male Kyouko in an Itsuki-like voice, "Just be patient. We're waiting on someone."

Kyon raised an eyebrow. "Waiting on who?"

Suddenly, Kyouko looked past Kyon and smiled. "There she is!"

"Oh, shut up," snapped a high, feminine voice.

Confused, Kyon turned around to see the owner of the voice. He couldn't believe his eyes.

Striding towards the table was a tall girl wearing a black tank-top and a white skirt that went all the way to her knees. Long, dirty blonde hair cascaded down from her head like a waterfall. She had a physique similar to Haruhi and Tsuruya's and an impish face that was marred by an expression of anger. The girl walked over to the table and sat down right next to Kuyou. She blew a few loose strands of hair out of her face and then gave Kyon a poisonous look.

"Go ahead. Stare. Undress me with your eyes, you dog," sneered Fujiwara.

Kyon nearly fell out of the booth. The bastard had become a bitch. And her sneer actually looked... kind of flirty.

"What took you so long in there?" inquired Sasaki.

"None of your damn business," snarled Fujiwara. "I'm just not used to this new body yet. It feels like I'm walking with mismatched shoes. It's even weirder that I'm wearing Kyouko's clothes of all things..."

"I think we should be explaining our situation to Kyon," broke in Kyouko, gesturing to Kyon. "He might be able to help us. Right?"

Kyon stopped staring at female Fujiwara and blinked. "O-Oh yeah. How did this happen? Did you all wake up like this?"

Kyouko nodded his head. "We think that Haruhi Suzumiya might be responsible for this sudden change. We're not exactly sure why she would want to switch our genders, but we think that if......"

Kyon was only half-listening to Kyouko now. His eyes were drifting over to Fujiwara who was still brushing away strands of blonde hair. After being unsuccessful for seven seconds, Fujiwara gave up and her face set itself in a cute pout. Kyon was transfixed by the sight. She looked so... so...

_Moe... _thought Kyon.

"Kyon?"

"Huh?"

"You were drifting off. Are you all right?" asked a concerned Sasaki.

"Oh! I'm just fine. Just a bit tired. Now, you were saying, Tachibana?" said Kyon, turning to face the esper.

"As I was saying, I think it would be in our best interest to make contact with your group. I'm sure that we can come to a reasonable compromise with the-"

"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!"

Groaning, Kyouko turned to the time-traveler and said, "What is it, Fujiwara?"

"It's this hair! It keeps getting in my eyes and I can't see worth a damn! I don't know how you girls put up with this everyday!" complained Fujiwara.

Sasaki reached into his back pocket and tossed something towards the whiny blonde. "Use this then."

Fujiwara caught the object, stared at it, sighed deeply, and moved it towards her head. Kyon gaped at what it was: a red scrunchie. That only meant one thing...

"How does it look?" asked Fujiwara, who's hair was now in a ponytail. Sasaki and Kyouko gave approving looks. Kuyou just stared. Kyon gripped the table with both hands. If Haruhi and Sasaki were goddesses, then Fujiwara was an angel.

_Oh dear lord... So cute... I can't let this opportunity slip away!_ thought Kyon.

"Now where was I..." started Kyouko.

"Umm, Tachibana? May I speak to Sasaki for a moment? In private?" Kyon asked quietly.

"I don't see the harm in that," Kyouko said warmly.

Kyon and a puzzled Sasaki got up from the table and headed over to the shop's isolated corner. Curious, the group at the table stared at the two, while trying to read their lips. They saw Kyon gesturing to the table with his hands and Sasaki's tranquil contorted into one of complete surprise. Sasaki mouthed out a word that was probably 'what' and Kyon whispered into his ear. After about five seconds, Sasaki pulled away with a disturbed expression. Kyon clasped his hands together and it looked like he was begging. Sasaki placed his hands on his hips and started shaking his head in a 'no'. Kyon dropped to his knees and began to beg some more. Sasaki facepalmed and murmured something inaudible, but whatever it was it got Kyon on his feet. The duo walked back to the table with Sasaki looking uncomfortable and Kyon looking overjoyed at something. They walked up to Fujiwara and stopped.

"What?" asked the blonde-haired girl.

"Fujiwara..... Kyon has something he wants to ask you, but he can't say it. So he wants me to say it for him," said Sasaki.

"Oh? Well... what is it?"

Sasaki looked back at Kyon who nodded enthusiastically. Sasaki let out an irritable sigh and placed a hand on his forehead. Kyouko and Kuyou shared stared, wondering what Kyon had said.

"Fujiwara..."

"Yes...?"

"Will you......."

"Will I what.......?"

Sasaki let out another sigh and said, "Fujiwara, will you bear Kyon's children?"

Kyouko held back a laugh. Kuyou just stared. Emiri almost had a heart attack.

Fujiwara's jaw dropped. Then she looked at Kyon. He had gotten down on one knee and had his hands clasped together. A hopeful look shined in his eye.

"Well? What do you say, my angel?"

Fujiwara stared at Kyon.

Then she leaned forward and punched him in the throat.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: Oh, Kyon. You can't keep it in your pants, can you?**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	27. Good Times with Villains

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: The chapter I'm working on about Emiri will take some time, so in the meantime I wrote this. And the Anti-SOS Brigade totally needs to be made fun of more.  
**

* * *

**The Anti-SOS Brigade's Theme:**

Haruhi and the rest of the SOS Brigade were sitting at their table gobbling up some cookies that Mikuru had brought from home when all of a sudden, there was a knock at the door.

"Come in!" said Haruhi through a mouth full of cookie crumbs. Was it someone who needed help with a paranormal problem?

The door opened and in walked...

"Sasaki?" said a perplexed Kyon.

Yup. Standing in the middle of the room now was Kyon's childhood friend, Sasaki. Right behind her stood Kyouko, Fujiwara, and Kuyou. Normally when the Anti-SOS Brigade was around the regular Brigade, bad things tended to happen. Kyon knew something was about to go down. For starters, there was something terribly wrong with Sasaki and her entourage. The problem?

They were all smiling.

Even Kuyou.

Kyon looked at Itsuki, Mikuru, and Yuki. They didn't what was going on either. Itsuki was smiling, but glaring daggers at them. Mikuru was shaking like a wet dog. Yuki was completely still. Haruhi stood up.

"What do you guys want?" she asked with suspicion.

Sasaki laughed, a light noise that sounded like a songbird. "No, Haruhi. We don't want anything. We just came by to tell you something very important. Tell them, Kyouko!"

The esper girl smiled and said, "We've come to inform you that the Anti-SOS Brigade has achieved something of amazement and wonder!"

"Well?" said Kyon, "What is it?"

"We've come up with our own theme song!" exclaimed Fujiwara.

The SOS Brigade shared dumbfounded expressions.

"Uh... Come again?" said Haruhi.

"A theme song! One that will establish our role as the main antagonists of this series! It'll make "Super Driver" look like the ramblings of an old man at a soup kitchen!" Fujiwara bragged.

"Show them our creation, Kuyou!" ordered Sasaki.

The Sky Canopy Dominion representative shuffled forward and handed Kyon a recorder with a tape inside. It was labeled "Let's Fighting Love".

"Play_ it," said Kuyou without emotion, even though she was smiling. She then ran back towards her friends and then stood in a formation with them. Sasaki was in the middle, Kyouko stood to her right, and Fujiwara at her left. Being the shortest, Kuyou stood in front of Sasaki. All of them placed their hands on their hips.

"Play the tape!" said Kyouko.

Haruhi shrugged at Kyon, who pressed the 'ON' button on the recorder.

What happened next was probably the biggest mind-fuck the SOS Brigade would ever encounter.

The moment Kyon hit 'ON', a loud song began to fill the room.

The Anti-SOS Brigade then began to do their own rendition of the "Hare Hare Yukai" dance. The main difference being that the dance poses were being done in the opposite directions. When it came to the part of the dance when Sasaki began to push Fujiwara by the shoulders, Kuyou trailed after them, and Kyouko mimicked Mikuru's 'washing the face' pose. The choreography was off, Sasaki stepped on Fujiwara's left foot, Kyuoko almost poked an eye out somehow, and Kuyou kept swinging her hair all over the place, hitting her fellow dancers.

But it was not the dance that was weird.

It was the fact that the gang of foil characters had chosen to accompany their routine with a bizarre mix of techno and rap music... with their lyrics being completely drowned out by the aforementioned techno.

The entire travesty lasted only a minute, but once it was over, the Anti-SOS Brigade struck a pose that would be most commonly seen being done by a hood ornament. Sasaki was pointing straight up at the ceiling, Kyouko and Fujiwara were on their knees with their arms wide open, and Kuyou knelt in front of all of them stretching her hands outward.

"So?" asked Sasaki, smiling smugly. "What did you think?"

The SOS Brigade gaped at the display in front of them. Then Haruhi stood up from her chair and pointed at them.

"Get out."

* * *

**A/N: Welp, that was mind-scarring. Bye! **

**Review, Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	28. Emiri Goes Goth: Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: This is without a doubt, the ONLY fanfic chapter that actually features Emiri Kimidori as the main character. I've scanned the stories here and usually when she's mentioned, she's either a filler character with little to no dialogue or a background character. Which is too bad, because I think she's kinda cute. And by the way the series is looking, she'll either appear a few more times to do something important before vanishing completely from the plot or get deleted by Kuyou or maybe even Yuki. What a tragic fate for someone who had a grand total of two minutes in the anime. **

**This story is dedicated to the emotional turmoil and inner sadness our favorite minor character must be feeling. Since there are so many emo jokes out there I've decided to split it into two parts. Try to enjoy it. **

**Credit goes to ObsidianWarrior for providing me with some angsty Marilyn Mansion song quotes. Thank you! **

**P.S.: The beginning is a homage to the beginning of an episode of Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series. Bakura and Emiri just share so many of the same problems. **

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**Part One: Emo-ri Kimidori:**

"WOO-HOO! I WON!"

"Shoot!"

Haruhi and Kyon were engaged in a serious struggle in their classroom. That struggle was in fact a children's card game. Around them, Mikuru, Yuki, Itsuki and several others watched the game with an ongoing interest. The score was Haruhi:7 and Kyon:4.

"Ready to give, Kyon?" Haruhi asked with a smug, little grin etched on her face.

Kyon frowned at the Ultra Director. "Just let me shuffle the cards and I'll take you to school."

They began their twelfth match that day. Just as Kyon was about to slap down a trap card when...

"Hello, everyone!" chirped a cheery voice.

Haruhi grimaced and looked at the voice's owner. "Hello, Emiri."

Emiri Kimidori stood at their table smiling happily. She waved energetically at Yuki, Itsuki, and Mikuru.

"How's everybody doing!" she exclaimed.

"Good," said Mikuru.

"Fine," said Itsuki.

"......Pleasant," said Yuki.

Kyon looked at Emiri and gave her a charming smile. "Good day, Miss Kimidori."

Emiri smiled back at him before observing the card game. "What are you playing?"

"Duel Monsters," muttered Haruhi.

"Oh! That's sounds like fun! Can I play?" asked the girl with the light-green hair.

In response, Haruhi set down her cards and gave her a smarmy smile.

"Oooooooohhhhh... I'm so sorry, Emiri. Main characters only. You understand right?"

Emiri's cheerful expression disappeared and was replaced with one of hurt. "Wha... What do you mean by that?

"What she means, Kimidori," Itsuki interrupted, "Is that you're a minor character. As the main characters of this series, we can't afford to be seen with such riff-raff."

Emiri was mortified. She turned and saw that also sitting around the table was Taniguchi, Kunikida, Tsuruya, Ryoko, and Kyon's sister for some reason. They all waved at her.

"But they're all minor characters too! Why are you excluding me?!" she shouted.

"They've all had time to gain popularity on the internet," explained Haruhi. "And each of them has had more than two minutes of screen. Even the Computer Club President and his band of geeks have had more character development than you."

"T-T-That can't be..." Emiri stuttered.

Haruhi grinned at her. "Actually... it is. Now why don't you make like a tree and get the fuck out of here. Or else we will all be forced to throw produce at you."

After an uncomfortable amount of silence, Haruhi looked at Kyon (who had completely shocked look on his face at the actions of his friends), Itsuki, Mikuru, Yuki, and everyone else in the room. Then she shrugged.

"Ah, what the hell."

Emiri was soon dashing out of the room to avoid being struck by tomatoes, watermelons, pineapples, and pumpkins. Soon the room was full of cruel, mocking laughter.

"Didja see her run? What an idiot!" laughed Tsuruya, who was leaning against a giggling Mikuru.

"Yeah! Like she ever had a chance at hanging out with us!" chuckled Ryoko. Even Yuki was smirking.

"I can't believe you all!" Kyon shouted, standing out of his chair. "Miss Kimidori was only asking to play a simple game with us and you all humiliate her! That's sick!"

"Oh relax, Kyon!" Haruhi barked at him. "Emiri will eventually learn to accept her fate as a background character. It's the way of life. What's the worst that could happen?"

***

In a tiny apartment across town, Emiri Kimidori was curled up in a ball on her bed, sobbing her artificial heart out.

"Why were they all so mean to me?! I just wanted to make some friends! Why does everyone hate me!? Is being unpopular a crime? WHY CAN'T I EVER HAVE ANYTHING MY WAY!!!"

Deep down, Emiri knew that everyone at school resented her. She hadn't even done anything to anyone and it still made her unpopular! She was the most forgettable character in the whole show. She was higher ranked than Yuki and Ryoko, and even they treated her like a nuisance. Her image song was collecting dust in bargain bins and every time someone posted a 'Which Haruhi Girls Would I Do?' video on YouTube, she was always listed as 'who?'.

The worst blow came when the Haruhi-chan series came out. No one told her about it. She had to go to Wikipedia to find out about it. She hadn't been shelved, though. Oh no. She'd been replaced.

By a FUCKING balloon animal.

With a terrible scream, Emiri began tossing furniture around the room and shattering anything remotely fragile. She flipped her bed off the ground and punched a hole in the wall. After about ten minutes of destruction, Emiri plopped herself onto the floor, breathing heavily. She was exhausted. With a wave of her hands, everything in the room was back in its proper place and good as new.

"That didn't solve anything. I'm still the series most unlikeable character... besides Haruhi and Mikuru. If only there was some way I could get people's attention... Some way to get them to notice me..." Emiri mused.

Suddenly, the Humanoid Interface was hit with a stroke of brilliance.

"I know just what do to! I'll reinvent myself to be more interesting! They'll like me then!"

Emiri skipped over to her computer and booted up the internet. After a few minutes of browsing, she found what she needed: a site that had a list of every known possible high school stereotype. She began to leaf through them.

"Let's see here... I need a new persona if I want to be noticed. I'm too pretty to be a nerd, but not pretty enough to be a slut... There's already too many fast girls on the track team... I don't know where to find a good dealer, so being a burnout is out of the question... Hmmm........................................... Oh! Wait a second!"

Emiri leaned in close to the computer screen and began to read the paragraph. After about half an hour of research, she smiled.

"This is perfect for me! I already hate my life and I've never seen one at our school before so that'll make me a trailblazer! People will notice me then! Time to get to work!"

And so Emiri left her apartment and warped herself to America in order to seek out the store known as Hot Topic.

***

**The Next Day at School...**

***

It was lunchtime and the SOS Brigade had gathered in the clubroom along with their honorary members (sans Kyon's sister) for a meeting. Surprisingly, it was Kyon who had called the meeting and not Haruhi. Needless to say, Haruhi was peeved.

"Who gave you the authorization to call a meeting without my knowledge! This is treason you know!" Haruhi bellowed.

Kyon shot her a nasty look. "You were all complete bullies to Miss Kimidori the other day! Therefore, I have arranged this meeting so that you can all apologize to her."

Kyon was met with a few 'What!'s and 'Oh brother...'s, but he didn't care. He was more of an acquaintance to Emiri than a best friend, but he always said hello to her and sometimes ate lunch with her. Haruhi and everyone else's behavior yesterday was appalling and he couldn't let Emiri go around thinking she was a waste of skin and bones. Or data.

Haruhi was a bit more vocal about her disappointment. "Why the hell should we apologize to that nobody? Give me one good reason!"

Kyon gave her a knowing smirk and said in a voice only she could hear, "Because Haruhi... I know you wouldn't want me to pass around copies of that picture of you in a certain pose? Remember? You came by my house to visit me while my parents and sister were out. Then you sent me get your camera fixed, because you were too tired? So you said were gonna take a nap on my couch while I was gone. But then I forgot my wallet and had to come back inside. And what do I find? You were holding a jar of peanut butter in one hand and Shamisen in the other, while standing in your underwear in my living room. Then it turns out the camera did work! Hmm? Remember that?"

Haruhi's eyes bugged out, her face reddened, and she hissed, "You told me you burned that picture..."

Kyon smiled. "I lied."

Gritting her teeth, Haruhi spun around to address the rest of the Brigade with a phony smile. "People! Kyon is right! We have to make things right with Emiri! Who's with me!"

Seeing that Haruhi was willing to help out seemed to perk up everyone. Kyon smiled, despite the fact that Haruhi was undoubtedly going to violently murder him after this was over. Was it his fault she harbored such a disgusting, shameful secret? Just then, a flash of pale green went by the open clubroom door.

"There she is, guys. Now just act nice and complement her as much as you can, okay?" asked Haruhi. Everyone nodded in unison as Haruhi walked out the door after Emiri.

"Hey there, Emiri!" they heard Haruhi say energetically. "How are- WHOA!!!"

Confused, everyone else filed out into the hallway to see what had happened. They saw Haruhi standing with her jaws gaping. Then they all looked at Emiri. Everyone almost fainted. For it was not the Emiri Kimidori they had grown accustomed to.

Emiri was, for once, wearing her cardigan, but that wasn't the only change. Her hair had been dyed completely black, though they were six streaks of her original green hairstyle in the back. The yellow hairclips she always wore had been replaced with tiny, silver, skull-shaped hairclips with tiny rubies in their eye sockets. Emiri's eyes sported some violet eyeliner beneath them and her fingernails had been painted black. She was also holding her schoolbag which was decorated with a poster of some person with pale skin and black hair. In the other hand, she clutched a handful pages with some notes scribbled on them.

"Hello," Emiri said icily.

"Hi," said everyone else.

They just sort of stared at her until Kyon spoke up. "H-Hey there, Miss Kimidori. Did you... do something with your hair?"

Emiri moved her head to the side as if she were examining him. "Why yes, Kyon. I decided that green wasn't really working out for me, so I dyed it. I did keep a few pieces untouched, though. I wanted to remind myself that the old me is dead."

"Whaa...?" said a confused Haruhi. "What do you mean by that?"

"I've changed my entire lifestyle! I'm not a slave to a god that doesn't exist, I'm not a slave to world that doesn't give a shit!" responded Emiri. Everyone shivered at her sudden outburst, but stayed put. Emiri then lowered her head to floor and murmured something. Kyon couldn't quite hear her, but it sounded an awful lot like, 'Everyone will suffer now'. He shuddered.

"Say, Kimidori," said Taniguchi, stepping up towards Emiri, "Who's that on your bag?"

"Marilyn Manson," replied Emiri looking up.

"She looks creepy..." whispered Mikuru.

"Marilyn Manson is a man," Emiri spat, sending a soul-rending look at Mikuru. "I'll forgive you for your misinterpretation, though. I must say though Miss Asahina, you look very beautiful today."

"Really?"

"Yes. When I see you in the sun, you're as pretty as a swastika."

The poor girl's knees almost turned into jelly. Taniguchi saw the opportunity to run from the frightening situation, but something told him that if he made any sudden movements, Emiri would bite him. Or was that with reptiles?

"What's that in your hand, Miss Kimidori?" asked Kyon politely.

Emiri held out the papers and said nonchalantly, "Just some poetry I've been working on. They're really quite lovely. Would you all like to hear one?"

"Why not?" said a very uncomfortable Itsuki.

"Certainly!" cried a bubbly Ryoko. "Don't you want to hear one of Emiri's poems, Yuki?"

Yuki stared at Ryoko as if the blunette had told her she was a dinosaur. But Yuki nodded anyways. Emiri allowed a small smile to creep up on her face and brought up the papers.

"Very well. I shall read you a poem I call "Emiri's Solution". I hope you all have as much fun hearing it as I did writing it."

Haruhi, Kyon, and the rest all smiled, despite the fact that they knew they most definitely NOT going to enjoy it. A second later, Emiri began to read her poem in a voice as sweet as honey.

_"Slit my wrists, slit my wrists, a razorblade should do the trick_

_Slit my wrists, slit my wrists, give my skin a little nick,_

_Watch it flow, watch it flow, watch the red stain without a care,_

_Watch it flow, watch it flow, my life is oozing with despair."_

Looking up from the paper, Emiri stared at the group from of her in order to gauge their reactions. "Well? What did you all think?"

The teens stared at Emiri as if she had just sprouted fairy wings and a fuzzy tail. Their faces ranged from shock, disgust, confusion, and terror. None of them said anything. Then Haruhi stepped forward with a weak grin on her face.

"It was really............. creative! Yeah! Creative and expressive! It expressed your...... creativeness! What did you think, Tsuruya!"

Slightly pissed that Haruhi had put her in the spotlight, Tsuruya came forth to give some faux praise.

"Oh yeah! It was really, really good, nyoro! Your words made me picture all that blood in my head! It was also megas catchy! My favorite part was when it rhymed! Yeah...!"

Emiri seemed to mull over the compliments in her mind for a couple of seconds. Then she shrugged her shoulders and tucked the papers under her left arm. She turned away from them.

"Oh well. It doesn't matter to me whether you enjoyed my insightful musings or not. None of it will matter in the long run."

"What do you mean by that?" inquired Kyon.

Emiri turned her head over her shoulder and fixed an empty gaze on him. "Because in the long, none of what we've done will matter once we've expired. What's the point of continuing with your life if you're going to be bombarded with disappointment. We can only find eternal peace in the sweet embrace of death..."

There was a sudden chill in the hall.

"Well, anyways," piped up Emiri, "I've got to hurry along now. I've got some papers to copy for the Student Government. Farewell, everyone. May we all get together again, like scattered leaves on the forgotten pond of time!"

And with that, Emiri skipped away down the hall and out of sight.

An awkward silence befell the group.

"What the hell just happened?" asked a very disturbed Taniguchi.

"Perhaps it was a very vivid nightmare that all of us had at the same time," offered Kunikida, who was trying to make sense of the whole ordeal.

"That was no nightmare," said Itsuki. "That thing... was our very own Emiri Kimidori."

"Damn it!" yelled Kyon. "I knew something terrible would happen if you all mistreated her! Now look at her! Miss Kimidori has become one of them!"

Haruhi gasped. "No, Kyon! It's impossible! You don't mean-"

Kyon grabbed Haruhi by the shoulders and locked eyes with her. "IT'S ALL TRUE, HARUHI!!! THE SIGNS ARE CLEAR!!! EMIRI KIMIDORI HAS BECOME A CREATURE OF DARKNESS!!! SHE'S GONE.........."

He let go of Haruhi and turned to face everyone else. The next word that came out of his mouth was one that was dripping with extreme hatred.

"Emo."

And that's when Mikuru fainted.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: Part two will be up in awhile. I have to prepare for school. Some of Emiri's statements are from actual songs. Once again, thanks ObsidainWarrior! **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	29. Emiri Goes Goth: Intermission

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Let me be honest with you all. I know I said that the emo arc would be only two chapters long, but then I had a thought. Originally, Emiri's melancholy (LOL) lasts about a week. The second chapter was going to show the gang having an intervention of sorts for her in order to snap her out of it. So technically the second chapter would be skipping over the week she was emo and jump straight to the intervention. I thought that sounded like a bad idea, so decided to write about the events that happened during that week. So, consider this chapter an intermission. **

**Plus, I know you all want to see Emiri scare the hell out of her peers. **

**Once again, thanks ObsidianWarrior!**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Intermission: Emo-ri Kimidori:**

Out of all the challenges the SOS Brigade had thrown at them, nothing compared to the sheer absurdity of Emiri's personality change. Everywhere she went, Emiri left a trail of dumbfounded teachers and frightened teens. It was without a doubt, the oddest week in the history of high school.

Here's a few honorable mentions of how Emiri's new life style affected everyone...

***

Haruhi was in the clubroom by herself updating their site at lunch when Emiri came in.

"Good day, Emiri!" said Haruhi from her chair.

"What's so good about it?" moaned Emiri.

Haruhi watched as Emiri went towards the window and looked at the ground below. Many kids were walking about and talking with their friends.

"Watcha staring at, Emiri?" asked Haruhi.

"Oh, just observing the masses and their suffering," Emiri said calmly.

"Suffering?"

"Yes. Look at them all. They go about their business with the venomous essence of life coursing through their bodies. How I long to go down there and squeeze every last drop of poison out of them. What do you think?"

Haruhi didn't answer. She was ready bolting out the door.

***

Yuki walked into the library afterschool and found a secluded table spot to read. It was after she had read ten pages that she noticed Emiri was standing behind her.

"Hello, Kimidori," Yuki greeted, trying not to show the fact that she was a little unnerved that Emiri had snuck up on her.

"Salutations, Nagato," Emiri said flatly. She walked by Yuki's chair and faced a shelf full of books, hands held behind her back.

"Hey, Nagato..." Emiri said without turning.

Yuki didn't look up from her book. "What?"

"Could you tell me the definition of the word, 'murder'?"

Now Yuki stopped reading. She closed her book and folded her hands across her lap.

"Murder. The act of killing another living being with usually malignant intent. Looked upon as a serious crime in which the perpetrator should be subject to the harshest punishments."

"So killing another living creature would count as murder?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm............ Let me ask another question. If you ate an animal cracker, would that qualify as murder?"

"No. An animal cracker has the appearance of a living animal, but is not alive in a technical sense."

"So if it looks alive, but actually isn't, then it isn't murder?"

"Yes."

It was at this point that Emiri turned her head over her left shoulder and gave Yuki a smile that sent chills down the petite girl's spine.

"Say, Nagato..."

"Yes?"

"Are we truly alive?"

That's when Yuki got up, turned around, walked out of the library, and decided that future conversations with Emiri should be done when Ryoko was in the vicinity.

***

Emiri was sitting on a park bench, contemplating the existence of the universe, when Taniguchi and Kunikida saw her.

"Hello, Kimidori!" said Kunikida, waving at her.

"Yeah, what's up?" followed up Taniguchi.

Emiri didn't respond. She continued to sit as still as a statue. That's when Kunikida noticed that both of Emiri's eyes were closed.

"Is she asleep?" asked Taniguchi, feeling a bit creeped out.

"I don't think so..." replied Kunikida, who had began to examine the alien girl. It was when the wind blew some of her hair to the right that they saw the headphones on her ears.

"Oh. She's just listening to some music," said Kunikida, relieved that Emiri wasn't in a trance and trying to summon demons from the netherworld.

"I wonder what she's listening to?" wondered Taniguchi. And before Kunikida could stop him, Tahiguchi lifted the headphone off of Emiri's left ear.

Big mistake.

"PRICK YOUR FINGER, IT IS DONE, THE MOON HAS NOW ECLIPSED THE SUN!!! ANGEL HAS SPREAD IT'S WINGS, THE TIME HAS COME FOR BITTER THINGS!!!"

Taniguchi dropped the headphone and grabbed his ears. Kunikida copied his action. The song lyrics were almost loud enough to shatter the human eardrum, but Emiri sat there like she was listening to a lullaby. Then Emiri spoke.

"Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Manson............" she said in an almost orgasmic sigh. "Shower me with your dark ambitions and carnal desires..."

Taniguchi and Kunikida backed away slowly and soon broke out into a run.

***

Tsuruya was drinking some juice in the cafeteria when all of a sudden, Mikuru walked over to her seat and sat next to her. Judging by her puffy eyes and sniffling, it obvious that Mikuru had been crying.

"What's wrong?" asked Tsuruya wrapping a comforting arm around her friend.

"I-I-I-It was M-M-Miss K-K-Kimidori! She said some really m-mean things to me, T-T-Tsuruya!" Mikuru sobbed.

"What did she tells you?" asked Tsuruya, wondering what Emiri had done to traumatize her best pal.

The red-head swallowed a bit before saying, "S-She told me that everybody h-hates me and that people only act nice to me when they w-w-want something! She said I have an inferiority complex!"

Tsuruya's face went livid. "Stay here Mikuru! I'm gonna go talks to that gargoyle and give her a mega piece of my mind!"

She handed Mikuru a tissue and stomped away from her classroom. The smoked-cheese lover made her way into Emiri's classroom which was two rooms away. She soon spotted her quarry sitting in a shady corner of the room reading a book.

"HEY! Emiri!" shouted Tsuruya.

Emiri lifted her head to see two yellow eyes glaring at her green ones. "Mmmm?"

"Why did you makes Mikuru cry? Why did you say all that stuff to her, ya big, fat meanie?!"

"Because it's true."

A large vein in Tsurya's forehead became evident. She restrained the urge to latch onto Emiri's neck with her mouth and shake her like a ragdoll.

"What gives ya the right to say that to other people?!" growled Tsuruya.

"This book on psychology," said Emiri holding up the book she was reading. "It's really quite fascinating. I read through it and decided to diagnosis Mikuru. Obviously she didn't like hearing the truth."

"You didn't have to sound like a bully, ya know!" yelled Tsuruya.

Emiri cocked her head to the side and frowned. "I understand your rage Tsuruya. After all, you do suffer from disorganized schizophrenia."

Awkward silence.

"What...?

"Disorganized schizophrenia. You exhibit most of the signs. You burst into unexplained fits of chronic laughter, you have no goals in life, you are easily swayed by the opinions of others, and you hallucinate occasionally."

"I DON'T HALLUCINATE!!"

"What about the time you saw the flying blocks of smoked cheese?"

"THAT WAS A FUNNY DREAM I HAD!!!"

"Sounds like someone's in denial. Don't worry, Tsuruya. Others may shun you for your odd speech and mentally unstable behavior, but I shall remain at your side in this time of tragedy."

A few minutes later, Tsuruya walked back to her seat with Mikuru, wearing a blank look on her face.

"Well?" asked Mikuru. "Did you talk to Miss Kimidori?"

Tsuruya stared at Mikuru.

Then she buried her face in the nape of Mikuru's neck in loud, choking sobs.

***

Ryoko was heading past the SOS Brigade clubroom when she saw an interesting sight. Itsuki and Kyon were sitting at the table staring at a piece of paper. Kyon held it in his hands like he was examining counterfeit money.

"What are you two doing?" asked the curious knife-fetishist, entering the room.

"Trying to make sense of this poem Emiri left behind..." drawled Kyon.

"She read it earlier to us at lunch and left it behind. It was.... Confusing, to say the least," mused Itsuki.

"Mind if try?" offered Ryoko. The chosen boy looked at her for a moment before tossing the paper her way.

"Knock yourself out."

Ryoko snatched the paper and gave it a once over. It was considerably longer than Emiri's previous poem. It was entitled "My Aching Soul".

_How creative... _thought Ryoko dryly, still wondering how the hell someone like Emiri was ranked higher than her. She began to read it aloud.

_"A wilted flower such as I,_

_Trapped in a dying garden I am._

_No idea where I am going,_

_I follow where the black wind blows to._

_Souls of the damned tell me to kill,_

_I release my inner anguish by cutting myself._

_Why can't you see,_

_That I have risked my life for you?_

_Heaven is a nightclub and I want in,_

_But my body shall be consumed by the flames of hell._

_I don't care about you._

_Happiness is for douchebags._

_I love hate, but I hate love._

_My name is Emiri,_

_And green in Japanese is Kimidori."_

Ryoko blinked.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

"The fuck?"

"Yeah, we were confused as well," said Itsuki. "I'm not sure what she was going for."

Kyon sighed deeply. "It's sounds as though she wrote the whole thing down in two minutes... I felt like I was trapped in "My Chemical Romance" reject album!"

Ryoko read the paper over again and shuddered. It DID sound like a really bad Goth song. Only without the talent or rhythm.

_Geez, Emiri... _thought Ryoko,_ I know all poems don't have to rhyme, but you could have at least tried. None of it flows together at all. Every line ends in a completely different sound. 'I', 'am', 'going', 'to', 'kill'......_

Ryoko's eyebrows suddenly rose until they were aligned with her forehead. Then she reread the poem. She gasped.

"Guys!" Ryoko shouted. "This isn't a poem!"

"Huh?" said Kyon.

Ryoko grabbed a pencil on the table, and drew a line on the paper the poem was written on. She stuck it towards the two boys.

"READ IT!!!"

Kyon and Itsuki saw that Ryoko had made her line through every last word of the sentences. Itsuki took it into his hands and brought it towards his face and Kyon's. Both saw that the lined words were in fact a message: _I'm going to kill myself. See you in hell, you douchebags. Love, Emiri Kimidori._

"Crap!" cursed Kyon. "Where did she go?!"

"Let's check the Student Government room!" suggested Itsuki. The trio ran out the door and made their way to their destination. Kyon, Itsuki and Ryoko threw the door open and froze.

"SICK!!!"

"Good lord......"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, wearing a bored look, was Emiri. Upon noticing the door flying open, her dull, green eyes rose to observe the ruckus. She was leaning her head against a desk, with her right hand stroking her chin. Emiri looked completely fine......... if you ignored the four razor-sharp spears sticking out of her torso and the ever-growing puddle of blood she was sitting in.

"Do you need something?" inquired Emiri, talking in a voice that sounded like she was only asking about the weather.

"Miss Kimidori! Are you okay?!" shouted Kyon, unsure of whether or not to run over and yank out the protruding metal.

"I'm fine. I'm just performing an experiment," explained Emiri, tugging slightly at a spear embedded in her right breast.

"An experiment? What kind of theory are you testing then?" asked Ryoko, who looked a tad pale.

"To see if I could feel any kind of pain. It's a shame the Integrated Data Entity shut off my pain receptors. I can't feel a thing. ..........Hmmmmm. I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing?" Emiri pondered, the spears in her chest jiggling as she spoke.

"But why did you want us to stop you?" asked Itsuki. "If you were going to kill yourself, then why write a hidden message in your poem telling us where to find you?"

Emiri stopped probing at a spear lodged in her stomach and stared at the epser boy. "What message?"

"This!" yelled Itsuki, tossing the paper to her. Emiri caught it and stared at the addition Ryoko had made. She looked at the paper for at least a minute. Then something truly frightening happened.

Emiri started to laugh.

And laugh some more.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Emiri laughed in a jolly tone. "Well, what do you know! It DOES spell out a message! I had no idea! Hee hee!"

As Emiri continued to giggle, Itsuki and Ryoko looked at Kyon. Itsuki had a stupefied look on his face and his arms hung limply at his sides. Ryoko was moving her right hand near her head in a circle, index finger pointed out, obviously doing the famed 'cuckoo' pose. Kyon performed his trademark facepalm.

They had to do something.

_Fast._

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: Well, that was frightening. The final part will be here soon. **

**Coming up! An Aqua Teen Hunger Force parody! Can Kyon, Haruhi, and Imouto take on the Anti-SOS Brigade's robotic bunny?! .............Maybe.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	30. Emiri Goes Goth: Part 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well here's part two, everyone! I would have uploaded sooner, but the internet was acting weird. Oh, well. **

**Once again, thanks ObsidianWarrior. You were a big help while writing these chapters.**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Part Two: Emo-ri Kimidori:**

The moment Emiri entered the clubroom she knew she was in trouble. The entire Brigade and its honorary members were all sitting on steel folding chairs arranged in a circle. The door locked behind her. She spun around to glare at Ryoko and Yuki.

"You told me were going to go to a "My Chemical Romance" concert!" she complained as they ushered her into a chair.

"We lied," said Yuki breathlessly.

"You mean I bought all those Glow-sticks for nothing?! What is this, you traitors!" shrieked Emiri.

"It's an intervention, Emiri. We want back the old you," explained Ryoko. "This new you just isn't, well.... you."

"We miss the old Kimidori," said Kyon. "The one who always took the time to ask how everybody was and who liked baking cookies."

"Sorry to break it to you, Kyon, but I no longer enjoy baking cookies. Or any other pastries for that manner. Eating sweets makes people feel happy. And I loathe happiness," said Emiri.

"Don't be like that, Miss Kimidori!" shouted Mikuru. "I always thought you were great just the way you were!"

From her seat, Emiri scoffed and turned away. Kyon frowned and took a compact mirror out of his pocket.

"Please, Miss Kimidori! Look at yourself! See the girl in this mirror? She isn't who you're supposed to be! She's made of hair and bone and little teeth, and things I cannot speak. She comes on like a crippled plaything, spine is just a stri-"

Kyon's eyes went wide and he slapped his forehead in annoyance."Damn it, Kimidori! Now you've got me quoting Marilyn Manson!!!"

From their places, Itsuki, Ryoko, Taniguchi, and Tsuruya giggled.

"C'mon! The old Kimidori was always smiling and brightening up people's lives," said Haruhi. "This new one is terrifying small children! Not to mention the fact that you've somehow managed to become even more annoying than Mikuru!"

From her chair, Mikuru squeaked in anger.

"Really?" said Emiri, who suddenly felt a small pang of guilt. "I thought people would prefer the new me over the old one..."

"No," chimed in Yuki, "We've always preferred your old personality. You were actually quite pleasant to be around. We just didn't realize it until now. We took you for granted."

"You mean it? You're not just saying that to make me feel better are you?" asked the gothic girl.

"Miss Kmidori," said Itsuki, locking eyes with her, "Let's be honest now. Do you like writing scary poetry and wearing all that makeup?"

"I......... guess not. Coming up with a word that rhymes with 'raven's feather' is pretty annoying..."

"Do you like standing in line for raves at one in the morning?" asked Taniguchi.

"Not really. They keep offering me drugs."

"Does making Linkin Park AMVs and uploading them onto YouTube make you feel fulfilled?" asked Kunikida.

"No. Seven of them got taken down by WMG."

"Do you enjoy cutting yourself?" asked Mikuru.

"No. Cleaning up has gotten to be quite hassle in my schedule and I'm pretty sure there's a razor lodged somewhere inside me..."

"Is it easy coming up with random analogies everyone five minutes, nyoro?" asked Tsuruya?

"It is pretty difficult....."

"You see, Miss Kimidori!" exclaimed Kyon. "Being emo is not your style! You deserve to live life to the fullest and cherish every moment you have with your friends! What's the point of complaining about how much your life sucks if you're not going to do anything to improve it?"

"You're right, Kyon!" said Emiri standing up from her chair. "I am not going to be emo any more! This hair dye was expensive anyways! And the people at Hot Topic were really snooty to me! I don't even like this eyeliner! It's itchy!"

"That's the spirit!" shouted Haruhi, pumping a fist into the air. Everyone got up and gave their new friend a big group hug. It was incredibly corny and cheesy, but they did it anyway.

After a few minutes of hugging, Emiri spoke up. "Does this mean I get to be a main character?"

"Nope!" said Haruhi.

"DAMN!!!"

***

**A Week Later...**

***

Emiri sighed to herself as she poured a cup of tea. It had only been a week, and things had gone back to the exact same way as before. Haruhi and her little Brigade still treated her like dirt on their shoes (Except Kyon). It was like one of those kid shows where everyone had their little lesson at the end, only to forget it all the next episode. Now here she was at her cafe job, feeling lower than a snail's navel.

_At least when I was emo, people noticed me... _Emiri thought to herself as she placed a blueberry muffin on a plate. Taking the tray holding the muffin, three cups of tea, and a black coffee off the counter, Emiri shuffled over to a booth in the corner to complete her order.

_Oh well... At least my interest in music has increased..._

"Here's your order," she said emotionlessly. The four patrons looked up expectedly.

"Thank you!" cried a girl with a charming smile and brown hair.

Emiri smiled back at Sasaki, Kyouko Tachibana, Fujiwara, and Kuyou Suou. Though she'd been assigned to observe their activities, Emiri had actually grown quite close to the quartet of foil characters. She practically saw them here every week. Besides Kyon, they were the only people who actually treated her like a real human being (so to speak). The may be 'evil', but they were pretty decent folks once you got to know them better.

"Is everything all right?" asked a sympathetic Kyouko from her spot next to Sasaki. Out of all of them, the esper was a good listener.

"Yeah, why the long face?" inquired Fujiwara after taking a sip from his coffee. "Did something happen, Kimidori?"

Emiri sighed. "It's okay. Everything's fine. Don't worry."

"It sounds like everything isn't fine," said Sasaki. "Sit down and talk to us about it. We'd be happy to listen."

"I-I don't know..."

"Please," said Kyouko, "Don't think of us as enemies. Think of us as a group of personal friends who only want to offer you our support. Kuyou, make some room for Emiri, okay?"

Kuyou scooted over and made some room in the booth. Feeling a bit better, Emiri sat down and looked at the small girl with the enormous hairdo. She wore a blank look, but her eyes had a tint of compassion in them.

"______________ Talk,_______________" said Kuyou.

Sighing, Emiri began to tell the foursome about the events that had transpired last week. She told them about her need for attention, the music, the poetry, and the intervention. It took about three minutes. When she was finished, all four teens wore looks of shock and understanding.

"Oh my goodness!" said Kyouko. "That's so sad! I can't believe they said such mean things to you!"

"How__________ awful...." agreed Kuyou.

"What a bunch of punks!" snarled Fujiwara. "So obsessed with their own popularity, that they don't give a damn about anyone other than themselves. Disgusting."

"Well, pride is the most wicked of all the sins..." mused Sasaki, popping a blueberry from her muffin into her mouth. "At least Kyon wasn't blinded by vanity like everyone else."

"Thank you for listening, guys," said a very relived Emiri. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

"Hey! I've got an idea, everyone!" said Kyouko. "Why don't we let Emiri join our little group! It'll be fun!"

"That sounds like a plan!" sided Fujiwara. Right to him, Kuyou nodded her head.

"Why not?" said Sasaki. "We could always use another friend when we play Ultimate Frisbee. What do you say, Emiri? Want to join the Anti-SOS Brigade?"

Emiri couldn't believe it. Here were people who actually wanted to hang out with her. This sense of being wanted felt wonderful.

"Yes! I want to join your group!" shouted Emiri. Everyone at the table cheered.

There a moment of silence, before Kyouko leaned over the table to face Emiri.

"Well, now that that's out of the way," said Kyouko smiling sweetly, "What are the Agency and the Integrated Data Entity up to these days? Hmmm?"

***

**The Next Day...**

***

Kyon walked up to his classroom. Club activities were over and he was on his way home. Or at least he had been, until he spotted a note taped onto his shoe cubby. It was written in pink ink with little hearts dotting the 'i's. Cute.

_I want to talk to you. Meet me in your classroom. A friend. _it had said.

Hand now on the knob of the door, Kyon entered the sunlight-filled room.

"You got my note? Great!" squealed a voice filled with cheer.

"Good afternoon, Miss Kimidori," greeted Kyon.

The wavy-haired Humanoid Interface smiled happily at Kyon, before walking towards the center of the room. Her green eyes sparkled with glee.

"Why don't you come in?" she said, keeping her eyes on him the whole time. Kyon took a few more steps into the room, before freezing mid-step.

_I feel like this has happened before... Déjà Vu? _

Emiri noticed Kyon's hesitant step and asked, "Is there something wrong?"

"Oh... nothing. What did you want to talk to me about?" replied Kyon.

"I wanted to say thank you for all your help last week, Kyon. You were the one who organized that intervention for me. For that I am grateful," Emiri said with a bow.

Kyon smiled. "Well I'm glad you're happy once again. I'm still pretty upset that Haruhi and the others still won't hang out with you, though..."

To his surprise, Emiri chuckled. "That's okay, Kyon. I don't mind. I already made some new friends of my own. You may have already met them. You went to school with one of them when you were younger. They're all very kind. Especially Sasaki."

Kyon's eyes widened. "You mean you're now friends with-"

"Yup!" chirped Emiri, cutting off Kyon's sentence, "I'm now part of the Anti-SOS Brigade!"

Kyon was speechless. He'd hoped that Emiri would find some people to hang out with, but he hadn't counted on THIS.

"Would that friendship even hold out? I mean, what if the Intergraded Data Entity found out you were socializing with the enemy? Huh? What then?" questioned Kyon.

Emiri's response was a loud boisterous laugh. "Ha ha ha! That's the beauty of it, Kyon! I no longer serve the Integrated Data Entity. You're looking at the newest member of the Sky Canopy Dominion!"

Kyon's stomach lurched.

"W-W-W-What?!"

Emiri began to walk towards Kyon. She still wore that serene smile on her face. Kyon felt like running, but his legs wouldn't let him. It was like he was paralyzed. Now he remembered why this situation felt familiar. He'd had a similar conversation like this before... with Ryoko.

"I decide it was time to upgrade, Kyon. Kuyou was nice enough to provide me with a different data link. Sasaki's friends have some _very_ interesting plans involving Haruhi Suzumiya. I was unsure at first, but then I gradually began to see that Sasaki would be a much better carrier of Haruhi's powers. Don't you agree, Kyon?" explained Emiri, while cupping the left side of Kyon's cheek in her hand.

"Why did you ask me to come here?" asked Kyon nervously.

Emiri seemed surprised for a second, but then started smiling again. "Because Kyon... You were the only person who cared about me. It that was that compassion of yours that convinced me to have Sasaki's group spare you and your family. You're a very nice person. Oh, and the Computer Club. They're really nice to me sometimes, too."

Emiri's statement sent shivers down Kyon's spine. "Ummm...... Miss Kimidori? Where are Sasaki and her friends right now?"

The alien placed a hand under her chin and furrowed her brow. After about ten seconds, her expression brightened.

"Oh! I remember now! At this moment, they're probably................. attacking the Agency, the Integrated Data Entity, and Mikuru's superiors right about now!"

Kyon's jaw dropped.

"WHAAAT?!"

Emiri shrugged and pointed out the window. "See for yourself."

Kyon looked out the window and almost crapped his pants. The city looked like a warzone. People were fleeing in terror, buildings were on fire, gunshots were ringing out, and the sky was alive with espers. He turned to Emiri.

"Oh, don't worry, " said an eerily calm Emiri, "Were only going after Haruhi's groups. The citizens of Japan will not be harmed."

_**KABAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!**_

A loud explosion suddenly erupted from downtown.

"What the hell was that?" asked a terrified Kyon.

"Oh, that? It's probably Kuyou. I think she needs my assistance. Yuki and Ryoko were always fighters. I guess it's my time to shine!" grinned Emiri. Kyon watched she held out her right arm. Particles of light became visible and took shape.

_Is she summoning a weapon like Asakura? _thought Kyon. _A knife maybe?_

In five seconds Emiri's weapon became solid and Kyon almost fainted. It wasn't a knife like he thought.

It was a chainsaw.

On fire.

"Well, Kyon I have to run. My friends need me now. Thanks for helping me find out where I belong!" Emiri said happily. She brushed past Kyon and gave him a tiny peck on the cheek. Kyon broke out his stupor and stared at her.

Emiri smiled."See you later!"

And then bounced out of the classroom, chainsaw revving all the while.

Kyon slowly walked into the hallway and watched her go. The entire world was doomed and he was partially at fault. What was he supposed to do now?

"You're......... welcome?" he shouted after her.

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**A/N: Moral: Always be nice to minor characters, kiddies. Otherwise, they may befriend the bad guys and help destroy the world. **

**We need some Emiri fics on this site. Please people. Don't let her tale of woe become a reality. It's up to us to ensure that this doesn't happen. Right?**

**THE MORE YOU KNOW.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	31. Itsuki Has No Boundaries

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well, Kye-Zhi requested some light yaoi, so here ya go. The second one is the 'Itsuki's secret' idea I had a while back. Well, enjoy!**

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**Avenue K-yon:**

"Hey there, Kyon! You'll never guessed what happened to me today!"

"KOIZUMI!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!?!"

"I just wanted to tell you about this really weird thing that happened. There was this guy, and he was talking to me and smiling at me. In fact, he probably thought I was gay!"

"Can we please talk about this some other time?!"

"Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Kyon..."

"I'm not getting defensive about anything! Now leave me alone!"

"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Kyon. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."

"Can we talk about this later?!"

"But, Kyon..."

"GO AWAY!!!"

"Well, okay, but just so you know... IF YOU WERE GAY THAT'D BE OKAY. I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY, I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY. BECAUSE YOU SEE, IF IT WERE ME, I WOULD FEEL FREE TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY (BUT I'M NOT GAY)!"

"Koizumi?"

"Yes?"

"I understand your situation. You had an unusual experience today, and needed to talk to someone about it. I understand perfectly."

"You do?"

"Yes. If I had a problem like that, I'd come to you for help as well."

"You really would?"

"Yes. I would. Now, Koizumi, if you don't mind, I'd like it very much if you and I had this conversation at a later time in a later place."

"Okay!"

"Good. Now if you don't mind....... WOULD YOU PLEASE GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BATHROOM?!?!"

"But it looks like you're almost finished..."

And that's when Kyon assaulted Itsuki's face with the toilet brush.

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**The Truth About Itsuki:**

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Kunkida.

"Of course it is! You've met him a few times already, haven't you? I'm sure he won't mind me asking." responded Taniguchi.

It was afterschool and Taniguchi and Kunkida were standing outside at the school's front gate. The reason they there was because Taniguchi needed to ask Itsuki Koizumi a question of utmost importance.

Naturally, Kunkida got dragged along for the ride.

Checking his watch, Taniguchi saw that it was 5:30. Surely the club meeting had ended by now...

He was stirred out of his thoughts when Kunkida suddenly tapped him on the shoulder and pointed at the school doors. To Taniguchi's delight, a sandy-haired boy emerged from the doors, school bag in hand.

"Hey there, Koizumi!" greeted Taniguchi, rushing up to him with Kunkida in tow.

Itsuki gave the duo a pleasant smile and said, "Good afternoon, Taniguchi! Good afternoon, Kunkida! Did you two have a nice day?"

"Yeah, it was alright," Taniguchi said quickly. "It's a good thing you're here right now! We were waiting for you."

Itsuki seemed surprised. "Waiting for me?"

"He wanted to ask you a question." said Kunkida. He couldn't care less about what his friend's question was, the boy would've rather been at home relaxing than out here in the blistering heat.

Itsuki gave them his trademark smile and said, "Well that's ok! What's your question?"

Joyful that he had said yes, Taniguchi asked, "What's your secret?"

"My secret?" Itsuki echoed with a confused look.

NOW Kunkida was interested. What did Taniguchi mean exactly?

"Aw, you know what I mean! Even though Kyon got to be in a club with three really hot girls first, it doesn't change the fact that most of the girls talk about you more than him," explained Taniguchi. "What makes you a babe magnet, Koizumi? I just gotta know!"

To his surprise, Itsuki gave a hearty chuckle. "Sorry to disappoint you, but there's no secret at all."

Taniguchi's face was now one of disappointment. "Aw, come on! Why won't you tell us?"

Itsuki shrugged his shoulders and said, "It's not like I'm holding back anything. I don't use any tricks, or moves if that's what you're thinking. In fact, I'm not even interested in girls."

The minute those words left his mouth Taniguchi and Kunkida exchanged some embarrassed glances.

"Sorry!" shouted Taniguchi. "We didn't know you....swung that way!"

"Yeah! We apologize for prying into your private life, "added Kunkida.

Itsuki stared at the two for a bit before bursting into laughter. This confused the two boys even further.

"I'm sorry about that," said Itsuki. "But I'm not a homosexual."

"Then what are..." began Taniguchi.

"Isn't it obvious you two?" said a cheerful Itsuki. "I'm not straight or gay. I'm Kyonsexual! Bye!"

And then he was gone.

The two boys stood at the front gate for three minutes before facing each other. There was an unsaid vow that stated that neither of them would ever mention this incident ever again.

They did, however, have a very interesting conversation with Kyon the next day...

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**A/N: He really is. There's no denying it.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	32. The SOS Teens: Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well ObsidianWarrior asked for it, so here is a parody of the "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" episode, "Rabbot". Enjoy!**

**Oh, and for the sake of plot, let's pretend Haruhi is self-aware of her powers and such. Okay? Good.**

**P.S.: This fanfiction currently has 666 visitors... 0_0**

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**Part One: SOS Teen Melancholy Force:**

"Would you mind telling us what we're doing here, Kyouko?" asked a very impatient Fujiwara. Behind him, Kuyou and Sasaki stood, completely bored out of their skulls. In front of all of them, was Kyouko, wearing a huge grin on her face, and standing in front of an twenty-foot tall object covered with a blue tarp. That grin of hers could mean one thing for the Anti-SOS Brigade: Trouble.

The evil teens were inside a large warehouse in the middle of the night (located on the South Jersey Shore for some reason). Kyouko had brought them here in order to show them her 'latest invention', despite the fact that Kyouko hadn't even invented anything before, and the fact that she couldn't figure out how to work out anything more difficult than her toaster-oven. Needless to say, Fujiwara was peeved.

"Gentleman and ladies! Ever since Haruhi Suzumiya became self-aware of her powers and learned about the SOS Brigade's true purpose, our world has become threatened for years!" exaggerated Kyouko. "I have obtained funds to solve this nightmare! Now behold...! Kuyou!"

The mop top-headed girl came forth and grabbed the tarp. Kyouko raised her hands over her head and cackled.

"UNLEASH THE GIANT MECHANICAL FROG!!! MU HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

Kuyou pulled the tarp off and standing there an enormous, hair-spray can-shaped, stainless-steel...

Bunny?

"Oops," said Kyouko embarrassed.

"I thought you said it was a frog," Sasaki asked ruefully.

"Well, at least it's an animal that HOPS!" defended Kyouko. "A-hem. What I meant to say was..... BEHOLD THE RABBOT!!!"

Fujiwara slapped his forehead in annoyance. "Dear god, Kyouko... What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"Absolutely nothing!" yelled Kyouko, clearly bordering on complete lunacy. "Now, Kuyou! Spray the Rabbot in the eyes with the French perfume I gave you!"

Sasaki and Fujiwara watched as Kuyou produced a bottle of perfume out of thin air and raised it up to the robot's face using a hair tentacle. Fujiwara brought up a question for the esper.

"Why are you doing that?"

Kyouko turned and beamed at him.

"BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED TO ME!"

"....?" said Sasaki.

Kuyou sprayed the Rabbot with the perfume for about five seconds. Shortly after that, it's head to spin just like the kid in the "Exorcist".

Kyouko grinned evilly. "Now you feel pretty, don't you... MU HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

The mecha-rodent's head stopped spinning and it's eyes shone a dark red. The Rabbot hopped past towards the Anti-SOS Brigade, and made a beeline for the north wall. Sasaki and Fujiwara watched with befuddled expressions, Kuyou blinked in mild surprise, and Kyouko started screaming like a banshee.

"THE RABBOT! MY CREATION!" she wailed.

The adorable automaton reared back, leapt forth like a ballerina, and burst through the wall. It sprang into the ocean and sank... only to break the surface moments later. The Rabbot continued to leap out of the ocean and into it again, until it was out of sight. It's destination? Japan.

Kyouko walked towards the rabbit-shaped hole in the wall in a daze. She fell to her knees and raised her hands to the heavens.

"WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?!?!" she cried.

Fujiwara came up behind Kyouko and smacked her over the head with a paper fan.

"I swear Kyouko, you are one great, big, sack full of stupid," he remarked.

***

**The Next Morning in Japan...**

***

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY PARENT'S CAR!!!" screamed a voice.

The voice belonged to that of the Computer Club President. He was in the middle of the street and staring at what used to be his parent's car. It was flattened beyond repair, as if a huge foot had crushed it. It looked more like a red, metal pancake than a car. Luckily for the teenager, his parents were out of town and wouldn't be back for three days. Of course, he still needed to handle the situation as quickly as possible.

"Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod...... What am I going to do?! They're going to kill me!" the Computer Club President moaned to himself.

"Morning, Mr. President! Great time for a constitutional, huh?" said a voice full of mirth and whimsy.

Sighing angrily, the Computer Club President turned around and saw the one person in the world he never wanted to see this early in the morning: Haruhi Suzumiya.

"Hello, little Miss Extortionist..." glowered the Computer Club President.

"Everything all right?" asked the brunette, who noticed the death-glare he was shooting her.

"Oh, everything's just dandy!" The Computer Club President said sarcastically. "If you ignore the fact that MY PARENT'S CAR IS NOW STREET PIZZA!!!"

Haruhi glanced over at the pile of twisted metal and gave it a once-over. After about ten seconds, she whistled and said, "Well, I hope you've got some insurance."

The boy slapped his forehead in irritation. "I'm actually more interested in finding out who demolished the car... Maybe if I caught whoever or whatever did it, my parents would forgive me."

Haruhi's eyes lit up and she slung an arm around the president's neck. She gave him a dazzling smile, which caused him to shudder inwardly. Having Haruhi Suzumiya smile at you was invitation for bad things to happen.

"No need to worry about anything, my friend! You've got Haruhi Suzumiya at your side! As the head of the SOS Brigade, I shall locate the culprit of this crime and see that justice is carried out! All for the low, low cost of 10,000 yen! You have my word," said Haruhi. The Computer Club President's face went livid.

"WHAAAT?! I don't have that kind of cash on me!"

"You don't have to pay up front all at once. Just send small payments to me at regular intervals and we won't have any problems."

"You sound like a loan-shark..."

"I prefer the term, 'lucrative entrepreneur'. It sounds classy. Now watch as I observe the crime scene!"

The Computer... Aw screw it! I'm just gonna call him 'TCCP'! ...So anyways, TCCP took a step back and watched as Haruhi stared at the wreckage. She placed a hand on her chin and narrowed her eyes.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

Suddenly, Haruhi froze and pointed her left hand straight into the air. "I have discovered the identity of the perpetrators!"

TCCP blinked in surprise. "Really? Who did it?"

"METEORS DID IT!!! ......That'll be 10,000 yen, please."

"What?!"

Suddenly, Kyon came walking up to them, for no reason other than to advance the plot. Yeah......

"Good morning, Kyon," said TCCP. Out of all of the SOS Brigade members, he disliked Kyon the least.

"Hey, guys. What's going on..." Kyon noticed the state of TCCP's car. "What happened here?"

"Meteors destroyed TCCP's car. I was just about to be rewarded with cash. Now, fork over the loot, pointdexter!" demanded Haruhi.

"No!" shouted TCCP.

Kyon looked closely at the remains of the car. "I don't think it was meteors, Haruhi."

"Hmmph! Just as always, you've managed to steal my thunder, Kyon! Fine then. We shall get to the bottom of this mystery...... in the TCCP's pool!"

"What do you mean by my-"

***

**5 minutes later...**

***

Haruhi was sitting on an inflatable chair and wearing an orange bikini, while floating in TCCP's above-ground pool. Kyon sat on the rim of the pool just wetting his toes. TCCP stood nearby scowling, though secretly, he was glad that he would be able to tell people he had a girl over at his house.

"Ahhh! This is the life! I wish I had a pool..." drawled Haruhi. Kyon facpalmed; since Haruhi became aware that she was a goddess, she could just will the universe into giving her one. Of course he wasn't going to remind her of that. She'd probably goad him into setting it up for her...

"So, Haruhi," said Kyon suddenly, "Do you have any leads on who vandalized TCCP's car?"

Haruhi took off her sunglasses and scoffed. "Vandalized, Kyon? Ha! This car wasn't vandalized. Oh no! It... WAS MURDERED! By someone who was jealous of his ability to drive! Our villain's motive? Jealousy!"

"...I'm not even going to dignify that with a response," said TCCP as he went back into his house to eat breakfast.

Haruhi stood up from her chair and announced, "Kyon! This case is much too big for us to handle on our own! Fetch Mikuru, Yuki, and Koizumi for me. The game is afoot!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." muttered Kyon, who started to leave the backyard.

"Wait, Kyon!"

"What is it?"

"We're dealing with a murder here! We'll need some extra help!"

"Like the police?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Kyon... I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR SISTER!!!"

***

**At Kyon's House...**

***

"Whee! Best song ever!" squealed Imouto as she danced to Motteke! Sailor Fuku on her boombox in her room. Suddenly, the SOS Brigade entered her room.

"Hey, sis," greeted Kyon.

"Hi, big brother! I'm just jamming to some really sweet tunes!" smiled Imouto.

And without warning, Haruhi grabbed the boombox and smashed it against the wall. Everyone was stunned.

"Why did you do that, Haruhi?!" whined Kyon's little sister, who was on the verge of tears.

"Dancing is forbidden!" shouted Haruhi. "Especially to that song! I will not be reminded of my former lover!"

"HUH?!" gasped everyone.

The color drained from Haruhi's face. "Er... never mind. We need you to help us find out who wrecked TCCP's car, Imouto! Think you can handle it?"

The little girl's face brightened up in an instant and she grinned. "Of course I can, Haruhi!"

"Excellent! SOS Brigade... ROLL OUT!!!" shouted the fearless leader.

"Isn't that from Transformers?" piped up Mikuru.

"Mikuru?"

"Yes, Miss Suzumiya?"

"Shut up."

The children then left Kyon's house... but not before Imouto grabbed a spare boombox and inserted another Motteke! Sailor Fuku CD into it. The group crowded onto Kyon's bike (Kyon complained that they were all too heavy, but Haruhi told him to shut up. He relented fairly quickly... Probably because Yuki got to sit in his lap or something) and began to make their way downtown; unaware that an enormous machine of destruction was awaiting them...

Pretty spooky, huh?

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**Well, there's part 1. Hope you liked it. Part 2 will be up when I have time from school off. Bye!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	33. The SOS Teens: Part 2

**D****isclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well, here's part two everyone. Go nuts. **

**I threw in a Final Fantasy 10 quote just for the hell of it.**

* * *

**Part Two: SOS Teen Melancholy Force:**

"I can't believe we didn't find a thing! Not even a scrap of DNA evidence!"

The complaints were coming from the mouth of Haruhi, who was walking out of a mall with her friends. They had decided to investigate the destruction (or murder) of TCCP's car at a place where there was sure to be lots of people. Unfortunately, the mall seemed to be completely devoid of citizens. Haruhi smelled foul play and ordered her lackeys... err, friends to search the premises for clues. So they ended up searching around the stores and main lobby for half an hour before deciding to leave.

"What are you talking about? We found several clues!" objected Kyon.

"Like what?" snorted Haruhi.

"The jeans and shirts covered with hair?" said Itsuki.

"The missing perfumes and hair products?" said Mikuru.

"That mysterious rabbit-shaped hole in the entrance?" said Yuki.

"All mere coincidences! I'm going to stick by my new theory!" boasted Haruhi.

"And just what is your new theory?" asks Kyon.

Haruhi spun around, placed hands on her hips, and shouted, "OUR PERPETRATOR... IS A WOMAN!"

"And just how did you come to that conclusion, Haruhi?"

"Because the area in the mall that was ransacked the most was a perfume counter!"

Silence.

"Haruhi, you are a sexist..." said Kyon while slapping his forehead.

"Hey, I'm just trying to think realistically here, okay? Now let's go see TCCP and get our reward money. With a little luck, we might be able to spend it all before he takes it back," explained a happy Haruhi.

"What are we gonna spend it on?" asked Imouto.

Haruhi stared up at the sky for a bit. Then she looked at the rest of the Brigade.

"Candy."

"Haruhi..." Kyon said slowly, resisting the urge to introduce her to the back of his hand. "You have the power to do whatever you want. You could easily make candy appear right in front of you! You don't need money for anything!"

"But, Kyon," whined Haruhi, "Candy tastes so much sweeter when you buy it with you own hard-earned cash!"

"WE DIDN'T EVEN FIND OUT WHO WRECKED TCCP'S CAR!"

"YES WE DID! IT WAS METEORS!"

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS A WOMAN!"

"IT WAS FEMALE METEORS!"

"SWEET MERCIFUL LORD, HARUHI! YOU ARE WITHOUT A DOUBT, THE WORST GOD EVER TO EXIST!"

"DON'T TALK BACK TO ME! I CAN TURN YOU INTO SALT!"

After that little episode, Haruhi declared the case a success and everyone dog-piled onto Kyon's bike. As they zipped away at the speed of a turtle with its back legs cut off, Imouto saw something in the distance.

"Hey, what's that?" said the diminutive tot from her seat on Mikuru's lap. She pointed a finger at a group of buildings. People were fleeing in terror and screaming their heads off.

Mikuru (who was sitting in a small basket in the front of the bike) looked up. "What are they all running from?"

"Hmmmmm..." murmured Itsuki. "Why are most of the buildings covered with hair?"

"Oh crap..." said a shocked Kyon. "They are all covered in hair... And Koizumi?"

"Yes?"

"Please stop squeezing me so hard. Your fingers are digging into my ribs."

"Ah ha ha ha. Sorry."

"And Haruhi?"

"Yeah?"

"Get off Miss Asahina's shoulders."

"But the view is great from up here!"

"I can't see a damn thing with your ass in the way!"

"...Spoilsport."

They got off the bike and made their way into the middle of the street. The buildings, like Itsuki said, were covered in thick, luscious, curtains of hair. Yuki stopped walking, which caused everyone else to stop as well.

"I am sensing vast amounts of modified hair tonic. A mixture of jasmine, citrus, chestnut oil, and cherries, " said Yuki. "I am also detecting the source of it. It is approaching fast."

"Can you tell us what it is?' asked Itsuki.

"It is a gargantuan automaton built to resemble a Oryctolagus cuniculus," stated Yuki.

"..." said everyone else.

As if in response Yuki pointed straight ahead, causing everyone to turn. The Rabbot had finally appeared and was spraying some more buildings with a pink spray from its mouth. Seconds later, hair sprouted from the places where the pink mist had fallen. Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Itsuki, and Imouto were speechless.

"A rabbit," Yuki deadpanned.

"Ah-ha! So you're the murderer!" accused Haruhi. The crazed girl began to walk right up to the rampaging machine to everyone's else's horror. "I'm going to punish you... IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!"

"Haruhi, are you insane!" yelled Kyon. "We can't just run at that thing! It'll crush you like a bug!"

"Yes," said Itsuki. "We should think of a plan, Miss Suzumiya."

Haruhi spun around to face the Brigade, determination burning in her eyes. "What? Are you all just going to turn tail and run? That's not the Brigade I know! The Brigade I knew would out help me out in this hour of need. Looks like I saw your true colors just in time!"

Kyon and the others felt ashamed. Haruhi continued her rant.

"Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your-"

"Haruhi..."

"Huh? What is it, Kyon?"

"Did you steal the most epic Auron quote in all of Final Fantasy 10?"

"Noooooooooooooooo..."

"Good. 'Cause if you did, I'd take this chunk of concrete and introduce it to your forehead."

"Eep."

By now Haruhi had reached the Rabbot. It had just finished spraying an apartment building when it turned to see Haruhi in its path. In terms of height, she came up to about its ankles. Haruhi jabbed a finger straight at it and glared.

"Hey, Robo- Peter Rabbit! What's your beef with my town! If you got a problem with something then why don't you-"

_Psssssssssssssssssssssst._

"ACKPTHTH!"

Haruhi rushed out of the pink cloud and towards the Brigade. She was wiping her eyes frantically and spitting.

Kyon went to her side. "Haruhi! Are you oka-"

It was at that moment that Haruhi's hair had begun to grow. The hair on the back her hair grew until it reached the back of her ankles. It was much longer than her hair had been at the beginning of the school year. Hell, it was even longer than Tsuruya's.

"Oh my..." said Mikuru looking at Haruhi's new locks. Haruhi stopped cleaning her eyes observed her new, outrageously, long hair. She grabbed a handful of it and shoved it towards Kyon.

"Kyon! Look at my hair! It's so soft and light! It smells just like a meadow of flowers after a rainstorm! Kyon... I'm beautiful..." Haruhi said dreamily.

Kyon facepalmed. "Now's not the time to be kissing your own ass, Haruhi! Can we get back to more important manners? Like, I don't know... the giant, robotic bunny that's terrorizing the city?"

Haruhi let go of her hair and coughed. "You're right, Kyon! Tell you what, since you've been such a big help to me this week, I'm going to let you take care of this situation yourself. I have extreme confidence in your abilities!"

Kyon's jaw dropped to the ground as Haruhi began to walk away from them. "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"To handle a very pressing manner at hand!"

"WHAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS?"

"I NEED TO GET A PERM! THIS WILD HAIR OF MINE MUST BE TAMED! I'LL BE BACK IN A FEW MINUTES!"

And then she was gone.

"Fuck..." growled Kyon.

And before he knew it, he was grabbed by Yuki and swept to the sidewalk. Looking back, Kyon nearly fainted. The spot where they had been standing moments ago, was now occupied by the Rabbot's mammoth feet. On the other side of the street, Itsuki, Mikuru, and Imouto were all hiding behind an overturned car. The Rabbot saw them and leaped into the air. Itsuki grabbed both girls and zoomed off, just narrowly avoiding getting curb-stomped by the mecha. The trio rushed to Kyon and Yuki's while the Rabbot spun around to get its bearings.

"Think you can take it, Nagato?" asked Kyon. Without a word Yuki ran straight at the Rabbot and launched herself at its chest. She reared back to punch it and...

_**Ding.**_

Slid off its body like a fly hitting a car's windshield and landed on the ground in a heap.

"Oh no! Yuki's hurt!" cried Imouto. Fortunately, Yuki sprang up and delivered a storm of punches and kicks to its left foot. She didn't even manage to chip the paint. Seeing that her close range assaults weren't working, Yuki dashed back and summoned a few broken shards of glass from the ground. A second later, the shards expanded to the size of harpoons and flew at the bunny. Every single shard shattered upon impact.

As Yuki picked up a flattened car to use as a projectile, Kyon turned to Itsuki. "Can't you get your esper buddies help out?"

Istuki shrugged. "Sorry. This kind of thing is sorta out of my field." Kyon muttered something inaudible. "What was that Kyon?"

Kyon faced Itsuki and screamed, "I SAID 'IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE I WISH YOU GUYS WERE THE ESPERS FROM FINAL FANTASY 6, SO YOU WOULDN'T BE COMPLETELY USELESS'!"

As Itsuki fought the urge to burst into tears, the car Yuki had chucked earlier went flying over their heads. The was the sound of glass breaking and people screaming. Yuki appeared right next to Kyon's side shortly after.

"I am unable to harm it. The metal making up its body is highly resistant to my attacks. I cannot find any weak points anywhere on its frame. What shall I do?" Yuki asked Kyon. As Kyon began to think, Mikuru's loud piercing scream filled the air. Kyon turned around and almost crapped himself.

"IMOUTO! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THAT THING!"

Kyon's little sister was making her towards the steel behemoth, swinging her boombox like she was on an afternoon stroll. Upon reaching the Rabbot, she gave it a sugary smile.

"Hey, Mr. Bunny-rabbit! You seem pretty angry! I've got some music you might like. Maybe it'll calm you down!" And with that Imouto set down her boombox and hit 'PLAY'. An upbeat song began to flow out of its speakers and into the air.

Imouto started to dance to the upbeat rhythm, arms over her head. After a few seconds, the Rabbot began to imitate her actions, swinging its arms and hips to the beat.

"That's it! Let the music fill your body and flow with it!"

The odd duo danced for two minutes in sheer joy. The four teens nearby were speechless.

"Uhhh... Great work, Imouto! You did it!" said Kyon who'd found the ability to speak. Mikuru and Yuki clapped and cheered.

"Well, well, well..." said Itsuki, "Looks like music soothes the savage beast after all."

"What the hell is going on out here! I'm gone for a few minutes and a freaking tire flies through the window of the salon I'm in! What gives?" cried an angry voice from behind.

The gang spun around and saw Haruhi approaching them. Her hair had been shampooed and tied into a luxurious ponytail. Yuki noticed Kyon had a big, goofy grin on his face, but decided not to say anything.

"What's this?"Haruhi shouted, noticing the dancing, iron lepus, "I thought I told you guys to kill it!"

"Haruhi, the situation has been solved already!" yelled Kyon, who snapped back to reality.

The SOS leader glared at Kyon. "I don't care! When I give you an order, you do it! Mikuru, I'm letting you use your Mikuru Beam. Koizumi, you can now use your esper powers. Now all of you attack, attack, ATTACK!"

"Yes, Miss Suzumiya."

"Understood."

"M-MIKURU BEAM!"

Soon the air was alive with lances made of white energy, red spheres, and the powerful Mikuru Beam. The projectiles flew at the still-dancing Rabbot and...

Did absolutely nothing.

Itsuki's esper attacks faded into nothingness, Yuki's spells ricocheted into outer space, and the Mikuru Beam...

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! MY HAIR!" screamed Haruhi. The genki girl ran around in circles, trying to put out the blaze that sprouted atop her head. She succeeded in extinguishing the fire, but at the cost of her ponytail. Kyon looked crestfallen.

"My beautiful hair! Gone! Oh, what a cruel and unforgiving world!" moaned Haruhi, clenching the roasted strands in her hands.

"Ya know... That could have been avoided if you didn't have them attack the robot, Haruhi," Kyon smugly mused.

"Oh, shut up, Kyon! I'll handle this pile of nuts and bolts myself!"Haruhi stomped to the dancing robot and snarled like a wild beast.

"You just made a powerful enemy today, carrot-eater... GOD POWERS ACTIVATE!"

Haruhi snapped her fingers dramatically. Kyon and the others watched silently. The Rabbot continued its dance. After awhile, Haruhi her fingers again. And again. And again. And again.

"Oh, c'mon already! Why won't you die? Explode!"

The Rabbot continued to groove on, unharmed.

"Earth, open up and swallow it down! Bolts of lightning, strike it now! Burst into flames! Disappear! Fall into a black hole! DIE ALREADY!"

And the Rabbot, you guessed it, still lived.

Furious, Haruhi grabbed a nearby rock and chucked it at its head.

**Bonk.**

The Rabbot _stopped _dancing. It looked down at Haruhi with an expressionless face. Then its eyes turned red.

"Heh heh heh... It was... an accident?"

The Rabbot hopped forward.

"EEEEEEEEEKKKKK, HE'S GONNA KILL US!" squealed Haruhi as she tore past her Brigade at the speed of light. Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki followed shortly after. Kyon scooped up his sister and raced after his buddies.

"Time to go, sis!"

"But we were having fun, Kyon!"

"WELL, I STILL WANT TO LIVE, SO THERE."

As the Rabbot chased the Brigade through the street, Haruhi screamed into the wind, "WHY DIDN'T MY POWERS WORK! WHY!"

**Somewhere at the Jersey Shore...**

"Hey, Kyouko. What makes you think that Haruhi and the others won't be able to destroy that machine of yours?"

"Simple, my dear, Sasaki. Remember when I told you that Haruhi's powers couldn't affect you at all?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I figured it would be great if the Rabbot had the same protection!"

"I'm... not following."

"Remember when I told you I needed a blood sample to see if you had leukemia?"

"Yeah..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Oh, my god..."

"YUP! I MIXED YOUR DNA WITH THE RABBOT'S~!"

"KYOUKO!"

"AH HA HA, I'M INSANE!"

**Back in Japan...**

"Well, that was a close one," said Haruhi as she floated in TCCP's pool. Beside her, Kyon, Imouto, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki were doing the same. TCCP was nearby.

"So let me get this straight..." said TCCP, while massaging his brow, "A giant robotic rabbit wrecked my parent' car?"

"Yeah," said Haruhi.

"And it was equipped with a mouth-cannon that shot out an instant hair-growth formula?"

"Uh-huh," said Kyon.

"Which it used to terrorize all of downtown?"

"Yup!" said Imouto.

"And it was invincible to all your attacks?"

"Y-Yeah..." said Mikuru.

"And it chased you through all the streets before you lost it?"

"Affirmative," said Yuki.

"And at this very moment, the mechanical bunny is still downtown dancing to the theme song from Lucky Star?"

"That's correct," said Itsuki.

"Ya know... that actually makes sense, coming from you guys. Especially after that one time where I turned into a huge cricket and tried to kill all of you. So what about my car?" asked TCCP.

"Oh, yeah... your car. Almost forgot about that. I was thinking about new places we'll have to investigate until the rabbit leaves. Here ya go," said Haruhi, snapping her fingers. There was an audible _POP! _sound, and TCCP saw that his parents' car was fixed up completely.

"Wow! It looks brand-new! Thank you, Haruhi!" gushed the tawny-haired boy.

"Yeah. I'm awesome like that..." said Haruhi waving away the favor like it was nothing. This earned an eye-roll from Kyon. "Sooooooooo... about my fee-"

"I'll give you half. On one condition."

"Oh. What's that?"

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY POOL!"

* * *

**A/N:Well, ObsidianWarrior, you asked for an ATHF/TMOHS parody and I delivered. I hope you liked it.**

**Special thanks goes to BKE for some kickass story ideas. I'll type them up when I have the time.**

**Review, Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!**


	34. The Oddly Named 34th Chapter

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well, JonBob0008 asked me about this idea awhile back so I decided to do it. Here ya go!**

**Ever go to an image board to find some pictures to add to your collection? Yeah, it's all fun and games until you see a PICTURE SO MIND-SCARING AND VILE, THAT EVERYTIME YOU SHUT YOUR EYES OR GO TO SLEEP, THAT IMAGE IS STARING YOU IN THE FACE, ITS UNHOLY TERROR PERMANENTLY ETCHED INTO EVERY LAST ONE OF YOUR BRAIN CELLS, THAT YOU ARE FILLED WITH AN UNQUENCHABLE DESIRE TO SEE THE ARTIST WHO DREW THAT ABOMINATION DRAGGED OUT INTO THE STREET AND MAIMED!?!?!? **

**But I digress. Enjoy.**

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**A Picture Worth a Thousand Screams:**

"Hey, guys! Come take a look at this!" Haruhi called from her spot at the SOS Brigade computer. Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki stopped what they were all doing came to their chief's side.

"What is it, Haruhi?" grumbled Kyon, who didn't feel like doing anything today.

In response, Haruhi grinned and pointed at the screen. "Check it out! We're famous!"

The rest of the gang crowded about the computer to see what Haruhi was gesturing at. When they did, Kyon blinked a few times in surprise.

"Why are there pictures of you on the internet, Haruhi?" asked a bemused Kyon.

"Because Kyon, the SOS Brigade has gained so much fame on the internet, that our fans have decided to make fan art of me! Word of our exploits has spread across the world! I'm that popular!" Haruhi said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"You look very beautiful in these drawings," complimented Itsuki, which caused Kyon shake his head at the epser's brown-nosing.

"Are there any pictures of us?" asked a curious Mikuru.

"Glad you asked, Mikuru," Haruhi beamed. She typed 'Mikuru' in the Google search bar and hit the Enter key. Soon the screen was covered with images of the red-head. While Mikuru was happy that people drew her too, she didn't understand why so many of them had her wearing a skimpy outfit. Kyon found himself noting a few pictures he would very much like to add to his Mikuru folder.

For the next five minutes, the teens looked at the various pictures people had drawn of them. Kyon and Itsuki couldn't get why most of the artists enjoyed drawing them together, Haruhi was slightly peeved that Yuki had more fan art of her drawn than Mikuru and herself put together, Mikuru loved all the chibi versions of themselves, and Yuki grew rather fond of the artwork that showed her with bunny-headphones. All was well, until......

"Hey, how come there aren't that many pictures of us all together?" Kyon brought up suddenly.

Haruhi looked at the screen and saw that her subordinate was correct. "Huh. You're right, Kyon. There should be a lot of pictures of us together as a group. Let's take a look!"

And with that, Haruhi proceeded to type in 'Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki' into the search bar. Then she pushed Enter.

"Well, there's a nice picture of us together!" said Haruhi as she stared at picture of them drawn in Lucky Star fashion.

"What's that one?" asked Itsuki, jabbing a finger at a picture the bottom-left corner of the screen. It was a blurry black and white picture that none of them could make out. Underneath the picture were the words, 'Rule 34'.

"What does that mean?" pondered Kyon out loud. Everyone else shrugged.

"Why don't we click on it?" suggested Yuki.

"Excellent idea, Yuki!" exclaimed Haruhi. "Let's see what tribute the masses have made in our honor!"

Haruhi brought the mouse over the picture and clicked on 'Full Size'.

_Click._

Then Haruhi's eyes widened to the size of jet engines, Kyon's jaw fell from his face and onto the floor, Mikuru's face turned redder than a lobster, Yuki's hair turned paler than her skin, and Itsuki's lungs felt like a Celestial had tap-danced on them.

"Why is Kyon licking my......"

"How come Koizumi is riding my......"

"W-W-Why are Miss Suzumiya and Nagato grabbing my......"

"..............Are Kyon's hands on my..."

"Is Miss Asahina's finger going into my..."

There was a moment of silence. And then...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

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**A/N: I recently had a bad experience with some creepy fan art. It involved Haruhi, Mikuru, Yuki, Tsuruya, and Ryoko lying on a towel at the beach in their swimwear. That's not the scary part. The scary part is when someone took the picture and added some 'changes' to it. The changes you ask?**

**All the girls had muscles and abs now.**

**I am not kidding about this. Haruhi looked like she could crack a walnut open with her butt, while Ryoko looked like she could kill Kyon using only her thighs. I'll never look the same way at a bikini again.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	35. Mustard and Finkrats: Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: In order to celebrate the North American release of Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story, I decided to make this. It was originally going to be posted on the 14th, but due to some circumstances, I decided to post it now. You probably won't understand any of this unless you've read about the plot on wiki or know the characters, but read it anyways. It's split into two parts since it seemed a little too long. Come on and let me know what you think. I know you want to... you... you... **

**FINK-RATS!!!**

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**Part One: The Fury of Haruhi Suzumiya:**

"Where we going, Haruhi?" Kyon asked for the fifth time in a row, much to Haruhi's irritation.

"I told you already! I saw these really weird... thingies in the park. Now hurry up, guys! I f we take too long to get there, we might miss them!" replied Haruhi, dragging Kyon by the arm, while Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki trailed behind like ducklings.

"Thingies, Haruhi? " Kyon brought up. He didn't know what the hell Haruhi was doing. All he remembered was relaxing at his house when Haruhi called him on his phone. She'd wanted him to arrive at their usual hangout near their school for meeting of some sort. Kyon didn't know what the get-together was about; Haruhi had been yelling so loudly that he could only make out a few specific words. Now here he was, being pulled towards an unknown destination with an insane girl, an alien, an esper, and a time-traveler.

"Yes, Kyon! Thingies! I don't know what they are! They might be aliens or demons... Maybe even mutants from the sewer! But anyways, I was in the park earlier handing out flyers to spread word about the SOS Brigade. You know, just trying to drum up public attention and all that. That's when I spotted them loitering behind those trees that form a shady grove at the end of the park. The perfect spot to hide their sinister activities! Why didn't I think of it before! And coming out in broad daylight of all times!" Haruhi explained dramatically. She didn't see the worried looks her underlings exchanged with one another.

The SOS leader directed her entourage into the empty park. Soon they were past the playground, restrooms, picnic tables, and anyplace where people would gather. The five teens were now standing amongst shade of the dropping trees. The branches hung low and weeds choked the now-yellowing grass. It was the sort of place in the parks of today's society where rapists and child-molesters would hide. Quite lovely in the afternoon sunlight, actually.

Haruhi released her grip on Kyon's arm and gave them all the 'shh' sign with her fingers. She then began to peer around the nearest tree trunk as if expecting invisible enemies to come jumping out. Kyon took this opportunity to move closer to Yuki.

"Hey, Nagato," whispered Kyon, "Is there really something hiding around here?"

Yuki stared at Kyon for a bit before nodding. "Yes. I am sensing the presence of two sentient beings somewhere in the immediate vicinity. However, I am unable to detect what the truly are. They don't appear to be products of Miss Suzumiya's, though."

_So even Nagato doesn't know what we're up against. Terrific... Wait a minute... Not a product of Haruhi's? Then what the hell is out here? _Kyon thought to himself. He turned to face Mikuru and Itsuki; the former was fidgeting in fear from every shadow she saw, while the latter gave him a painted-on smile. Kyon suddenly felt very unsafe. What if whatever was out here was dangerous? Yuki would be the only one capable of defending them, and she couldn't do that if Haruhi was sticking around.

"Nagato," Kyon said to his alien companion, "What did you mean by when you said, 'Not a product of Har-'"

"Guys, I found them!" interrupted Haruhi, who grabbed Kyon by the arm again and began to lead him towards the tree she was just inspecting. The four Brigade members were quickly ushered by their leader to its trunk, where Haruhi shushed them all again. She pointed behind the tree eagerly. Kyon, wanting to get this nonsense over with, looked over first.

He nearly lost control of his bladder.

Standing about fifteen feet away from the Brigade's hiding place, under the shade of two bent sakura trees, were two...... thingies like Haruhi had said. The first one had its back to them and seemed to be the one in charge, since it was the one giving some instructions to its companion. This was supported by the fact that it was waving around its tiny arms in grand and ridiculous gestures. It looked like what Kyon would consider to be an old-fashioned alien. It's skin was pea-green and it was completely bald except for a single black hair rising from its head. Its clothing consisted of a long red robe that was lined with gold trim that covered its entire body. Completing the Stars-Wars-villain look was a huge collar that cascaded down from behind. The most important characteristic of the humanoid was its stature; it seemed about as tall as Imouto.

But the being's friend is what drew Kyon's attention. It was looked less like an alien, and more like a monster that Godzilla would tangle with. It was bipedal, with the body of a dragon, the face of a wild pig, and a yellow armadillo-like shell covering its back. Two black horns stuck out its head, set above two mean-looking eyes, and a series of black dorsal spines ran down its back. It was as if a mad scientist had taken several animals, thrown them into a blender, and mixed the parts together. Two spiked collars adorned its wrists and its hands were the size of cinderblocks. The beast was five times the size of the first creature and twice as wide-its entire body was plump, but its arms rippled with muscle. Oh, and its skin was colored in a hot pink (except for its stomach, which was much paler).

The twosome were talking to one another; obviously unaware they were being spied on. Right next to them were six cardboard boxes scattered haphazardly on the ground. They contained something, but were sealed up with tape.

Kyon pulled away from the odd sight, fear etched onto his face. Itsuki, Yuki, and Mikuru glanced over to see what had startled him. Each of peeked for about six seconds, before pulling back. Mikuru looked like she wanted to burrow into the earth and pull the hole in after her, Itsuki had a 'WTF' look on his face, while Yuki wore her patented 'nobody's home' look. Kyon could tell what they were all thinking. The pig-lizard looked quite strong and probably wouldn't take too kindly to being spied on. If it smelled them...

"Well?" Haruhi said in a voice much too loud for Kyon's comfort. "Did you see the-HMMPF!!!"

Kyon kept his hand clamped over his Brigade chief's mouth in order to avoid detection. "Yes, Haruhi. I saw them. You were right. Now let's get the hell out of here before they eat us." A second later, Haruhi's teeth clamp down on Kyon's fingers.

"Ow!"

"What's your problem?"

"You just bit me!"

"And for good reason!"

Kyon nursed his nibbled digits in his other hand, while glaring daggers at the Ultra Director. "Haruhi, you don't know what those things are! They might freak out and try to, well I don't know... kill us! We should get out of here and call the police or something."

Haruhi scoffed. "Yeah, right! The police never do anything! Name one movie where they believed the kids!"

Kyon remained silent. _She has me there... _he thought to himself.

Satisfied with her small victory, Haruhi turned to face her three supernatural friends.

"Well, guys?" said Haruhi. "Shall we go up to them and establish contact?"

Mikuru suddenly developed a sudden interest in tying her shoes, while Itsuki ran some fingers through his hair, sheepishly. Yuki just sort of stared into space.

"Maybe, Kyon is right, Miss Suzumiya," said Itsuki looking somewhat nervous. "Perhaps we should seek out some hel-"

"I can't believe you, you chickens!" accused Haruhi. "Fine! If you're going to bail out on me, then I'll just have to make contact on my own!"

And then she walked right out from behind the tree, and headed straight towards the duo.

Kyon muttered a rather choice word and before he knew it, he and everyone else was bolting after the crazed goddess. Unfortunately, Haruhi was close to actually say something. And she did.

"Greeting, friends!"

The short one stopped in the middle of whatever it had been saying, and slowly turned to face them, revealing its face. Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki became simultaneously disturbed. The thing's face was slightly human, but without any visible nostrils. Its eyes were completely hidden behind a pair of giant, blue, coke-bottle glasses with white swirls inside each lens. Making up the majority of its face was an enormous, lipless, creepy grin shaped like a crescent moon. Each of its pearly-white teeth was perfectly square and devoid of plaque. It was the kind of mouth you'd see in the 'after' shot of a toothpaste commercial. But the moment it saw them, its grin turned upside down. Now it was a frown.

"What is the purpose of this?! Fawful is the one who does the sneaking! But now, Fawful finds himself the sneakee instead of the sneaker! Who are you, you sneakers of sneakiness?" the thing (Fawful) demanded in a high-pitched voice that sounded like a kindergartener. It was now obvious to Haruhi and the others that the being was male.

Puzzled by the bizarre words directed at them, Haruhi cleared her throat and spoke. "We are the SOS Brigade! My name is Haruhi Suzumiya! This is Mikuru Asahina, Yuki Nagato, and Itsuki Koizumi. Oh! Almost forgot! That's Kyon. We were watching you guys and-"

Fawful tilted his head to the side before quickly turning to the pig monster beside him. "Did you hear that, Midbus? They are a Brigade! Lawmakers! Goodie-goodies! Fink-rats! Our plans have been found out! Our picnic of evil has been interrupted by the ants of truth and justice before the red and white blanket of my scheme was laid out!"

The pig, Midbus (also male), snorted. "Shall I pummel them, Lord Fawful?" he mumbled in a low voice that deeply contrasted with his appearance.

Fawful grinned wickedly. "Yes... A pummeling is needed! Yes, yes! Pummel them! Hurt their faces! Make them taste the bitterness of the lemon that is your fist!"

Kyon wiped the bewildered look off his face. Behind him Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki were doing the same. Despite the obvious speech impediment of the petite weirdo, it was clear that he meant to do them harm.

Haruhi eyes grew wide as Midbus advanced on them while clenching his colossal fists. "Wait a second! We're not trying to capture you or anything!"

Midbus stopped a few feet away from Haruhi as if he were sizing her up. Then he reached behind his back and pulled something out with his right hand. His giant fist covered the majority of the object's identity, but the teens could see that it possessed a yellow tube-like opening. The boar-like beast rose its fist in front of its face and pointed the tube at Haruhi. Fawful started to jeer.

"Yes, Midbus! Use the secret weapon I gave you! Unleash the cruel fudge of the ice-cream sundae that is your anger!"

Kyon's heart fell into his stomach. _Oh my god! He's going to shoot Haruhi with some kind of gun! Do something, Nagato!_

But surprisingly, it was Kyon who acted first. Kyon's body ignored his brain's wish to stay out of harm's way, and was now rushing to Haruhi's side. He then grabbed her around the waist and swung her out of harm's way. Now Midbus was pointing the weapon at _him._

"You save girl. You risk your own life. You very brave," monotoned Midbus. Kyon almost felt better. Was this act of self-sacrifice enough to convince the fiend to spare him? It seemed Kyon would live.

Then Midbus grinned and revealed a mouthful of crocodilian teeth. Kyon's happiness plummeted like a meteor.

"But you are very stupid. Now you taste the pain instead. SUPER-DUPER-MEGA-GRAND-SCARY-PROJECTILE-OF-PAIN!!!" he roared suddenly like a car alarm. He blew into his hand and the weapon fired at Kyon. Kyon threw up his hands as a shield, but wasn't fast enough. He awaited his death...

_Doink!_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MY FREAKING EYE!!!" howled Kyon as he was hit in the eye with a lima bean. Midbus's so-called weapon was in fact a peat-shooter. Kyon's friends didn't know whether to throw their arms around him and express their thanks that he was alive or starting giggling insanely.

Fawful ,however, burst into full-blown laughter. "EYA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I HAVE HILARITY!!! You wear humiliation on your face like an egg! An egg laid by the chicken of embarrassment! EYA HA HA HA HA- URRRGGGH!!"

That ' URRRGGGH!!' came from Haruhi successfully nailing the caped madman with a small pebble to the forehead. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared.

"How dare you assault my loyal minion! We were just trying to talk to you and attacked us just like that! Now that I know that you're evil, I won't let you get away with whatever you're planning, Shorty!" shouted Haruhi, marching past Midbus and towards Fawful. The tiny villain stopped rubbing his forehead and looked up to see an angry girl approaching him. He narrowed his eyes from behind the glasses.

"Arrrrgggghhh! You strike my head like a nail struck by a hammer who is angry! Now I am angry! I HAVE FURY!" And with that quip, Fawful opened up the cloak he was wearing. Now Kyon could see that Fawful's body was covered in a black and blue jumpsuit that was outfitted by a belt. Said belt was covered in a veritable hodge-podge of gadgets that would make Batman green with envy. He snatched up a purple gun with green stripes that looked like a plastic toy and held it up. Haruhi immediately backed away.

Kyon and the others blanched. Haruhi could either run or duck, but something in Kyon's mind told him that Fawful's gun had a never-miss technology built into it or that he was probably a good shot.

"Do something, Nagato!" Kyon yelled at the bookworm. Yuki nodded and began to chant a spell. Midbus noticed this and attacked.... by shooting a mung bean at her eye.

"Muh huh huh," Midbus laughed dully.

"Ow," said Yuki, her chant broken off.

"Excellent, Midbus! Now snack on the delicious cake that is my wrath, Haroo-hee! And the milk that is your doom! Delicious doom! Fink-rat!" crowed Fawful while he adjusted the gun's aim. Haruhi blinked a few times.

"It's HARUHI!!! And why the hell do you sound like a combination of Yoda and Jim Carrey?!"

"Oh, will you hurry with the shutting of up?!"

"What?"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrr!"

And to Kyon's horror, Fawful fired.

**ZAP!**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"_Haruhi!_"

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**A/N: Hey, everyone! I just made a cliff-hanger! My very first one! I'm so happy!**

**Will Haruhi survive Fawful's laser?**

**What are two Nintendo villains doing in Japan?**

**What's in those boxes?**

**Will Kyon's eye heal?**

**Will Yuki kick ass?**

**Is Itsuki straight?**

**Will Mikuru stop being useless?**

**Will I stop asking random questions?**

**Tune in next time! .......Oh, yeah the Haruhi's fetish chapter will be done after this so, yay.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!**


	36. Mustard and Finkrats: Part 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Here's part two. It's kind of short. For those of you who don't know anything about Fawful or Midbus, Just know this: they are both insane. Especially Fawful. Oh, well, I'm getting Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story this week! Hooray!**

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**Part Two: The Fury of Haruhi Suzumiya:**

As it turns out, Fawful had set his gun to stun and had actually been aiming at Haruhi's right ear. It was supposed to be a warning shot, but still Haruhi rubbed her earlobe in pain. Kyon still argued with the fact that if the pencil-thin, blue beam had struck her in the eye or something, she would dead. Fawful ignored him.

"I am apologizing muchly for the shooting of your bodily limbs. Sometimes I have the fury, but sometimes the fury has me," the pea-green midget said sadly as if he was a five-year old caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He seemed much more pleasant when he wasn't flying into a psychotic rage. Maybe it was the fact that Yuki kicked Midbus into Fawful while Haruhi was distracted, is what got him to calm down. Midbus stood nearby, looking like a gargoyle bodyguard on patrol. His apology had been a simple, "Sorry,". Not much of a conversationalist.

"So why are you here in Japan?" asked Haruhi. "Are you attempting world domination?"

Fawful and Midbus exchanged confused glances with each other. "Take over Japan? No. Fawful does not want Japan. Oh, no. Just Mushroom Kingdom."

"Mushroom... Kingdom?" asked a befuddled Itsuki.

"Are your ears not working today, boy of fabulousness? Yes, Mushroom Kingdom. Fawful just said that," snapped the supervillain, earning a glare from the esper and a chuckle from Kyon.

"Why are you here?" Yuki asked bluntly.

Fawful gave them all a grin that would scare a pedophile, and swooshed his cape."Is it not obvious? Fawful will soon be conquering the castle of the Koopa King. Then next will be the brainwashing of his minions, which will be swift and clean, like a car-wash of evil! Then Fawful will take the castle of Princess Peach! And soon the princess will play a crucial role that will serve as the scoop of vanilla ice-cream that will decorate my slice of cherry pie! THE PIE SLICE OF VICTORY!!! EYA HA HA HA HA HA !!!"

Fawful threw back his head proceeded to cackle menacingly. It sounded like an alien sea-gull screaming into a storm-drain. Beside the megalomaniac, Midbus let out a wheezing laugh that sounded like he had indigestion. Mikuru scooted next to Kyon for some reason.

"But WHY are you here?" Haruhi asked once again. The two stopped laughing. Mikuru seemed visibly relieved. Fawful jabbed a gloved finger at the boxes behind him. His grin got impossibly larger. Then he said one word:

"Merchandising!"

Awkward silence.

"Merchandising?" Kyon said after a tumbleweed rolled by.

"Yes! Merchandising! Fawful has the power! Fawful has the handsomeness! But... Fawful does not have the money! So Fawful came to Japan with Midbus on his teleporter of teleporting! Once here, we learned about what products to make and what the people are wanting with their wants. I did this by studifying the thing you call 'Annie-May'. Its popularity left my flabber quite gasted! Using the same gimmicks, Fawful's popularity will spread its wings and soar into the sunset like an eagle of soaring! Midbus! Show them our products!" Fawful shouted.

"Yes, Lord Fawful," droned Midbus as he shuffled over to the boxes. He grabbed two and brought them before the SOS Brigade. Haruhi lifted the flaps and peered inside. She then reached in pulled out what looked liked trading cards.

"Fawful trading cards?" stated a perplexed Haruhi. They were indeed trading cards. Each them bore a caption on them with Fawful posing, like "Fawful Gives a Hive-five to Your Face!", "Fawful Sends a Thumbs-up For Your Repeated Excellence!", and "Fawful Poses For Trading Card Photograph!".

"Trade in ten cards to see if you can obtain the ULTRA-SUPER-PREMIUM CARD!" Midbus yelled suddenly.

Going through the boxes, Kyon pulled out an action figure that resembled the green freak right down to the swirls in the glasses. Mikuru looked at a box labeled "Fawful Fudge-Cookies: Low-fat!". Yuki observed a key-chain shaped like his head. A button on the side played his trademark laugh. Itsuki stared at some Fawful-brand beverages and sausages. And further in the box was even more stuff: Fawful coloring books, Fawful pencil cases, Fawful Frisbees, Fawful-style Monopoly (Faw-opoly), a Fawful and Midbus manga, and even a DVD movie called "Fawful's Fury: The Search for Mustard".

"Well..." asked the evil genius, eager to hear their opinions. Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki looked at one another before deciding their responses.

"...Uh... Great stuff!"

"Yeah! I bet they'll all fly off the shelves!"

"Your face looked really good on the stuff!

"I'm sure children of all ages will enjoy these products."

"I'm sure people will become your fans in less than a day!"

Satisfied, Fawful snatched the items back and stuffed them back into the boxes. "Good! Thankies for the inputs! Now come, Midbus! We go home! The Mushroom Kingdom is mine! EYA HA HA HA HA HA!!!" And with that, Fawful withdrew something from his cloak that looked a remote control. He pressed a yellow button on it, and a large, green and yellow, top-shaped platform floated out from behind the trees. Fawful gracefully leaped onto it, followed by Midbus, who had several boxes in his arms. The tusked beast gave them all a half-hearted wave.

"Goodbye, Brigade of SOS! Perhaps Fawful will show you around his kingdom one day! But for now... I HAVE FAREWELL!!!"

Then the platform spun incredibly fast, and in flash of blue light, they were gone. Haruhi and her Brigade stood there for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to say.

"An interesting person," Yuki said after a bit. They all started to leave.

"Do you think we'll ever see him again, Kyon?" asked Haruhi.

"I don't know. Maybe he'll be successful or maybe he'll be defeated and come here to hide out," answered Kyon.

"I hope he comes back. Other than the whole trying to kill us thing, he was kinda cute! In a creepy way..."

Suddenly, Haruhi tripped over something. As Itsuki helped her up, he noticed what she'd tripped over something plastic and picked it up.

"Look at this, everyone," called Itsuki. "He must have dropped it earlier and forgot to pick it up."

The five friends gathered around to see what Itsuki held. It was...

"An... image song?" said Kyon.

Haruhi grabbed the case and scanned it. Then her eyes bugged out.

"Hare Hare Yukai......... _the Fawful Version?!?!_"

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**A/N: Oh lord, imagine it... FAWFULISM. **

**I wonder how that song would sound? I'd listen to it. And in case you guys were wondering, most of the objects that Fawful was hawking in the story are actually in ML:BIS. Weird, huh? **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	37. Yuki's Advantage

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Got the idea for this after reading this hilarious fanmade comic on an image board. I hope you all like it. Yuki is such a goofball sometimes.**

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**Sex Appeal:**

_Hmmmmmmmmmmm..._ Yuki thought to herself. _How does she do it?_

Across from her usual seat was a nauseating sight: Kyon was once again fawning over Mikuru. It was a boring day, and Haruhi had dragged Itsuki off to who knows where on some errand.

"Are you cold, Kyon? Would you like some tea?" asked a concerned Mikuru. They had been playing Othello, when Kyon started shivering. It had been raining all week long.

"No, no," said Kyon being ever the gentlemen. "I wouldn't possibly dream of troubling you."

"But I insist!" said Mikuru, getting up from her chair. The mascot went over to the regular spot to brew some tea. Kyon smiled warmly, happy that he was going to have a hot cup of kindness from his beloved angel.

_She has him wrapped around her little finger, _Yuki thought to the point of sounding almost bitter. _And the way he stares at her...... He never looks at me like that._

Despite having a sizeable fanbase of her own around the school, Yuki sometimes felt a bit shadowed by Mikuru. Not because of popularity, though. She just wished that Kyon would sometimes look at her the same way. Not like a piece of meat kind of way, but like a..... well...... a girlfriend kind of way.

_The only difference between me and Mikuru Asahina_, Yuki thought, _is sex appeal... I don't have that kind of appeal._

Yuki pondered on how she could defeat her rival (despite the fact that Mikuru knew nothing of said rivalry). Mikuru had the advantage in the personality department and another big advantage elsewhere... Come to think of it, it was more like TWO big advantages.

_There must something about me that Kyon would find interesting. Something that places me above Asahina. But what? ............................Wait. That might be it. It's a long shot, but I have to try._

While Yuki was thinking to herself, Mikuru had finished the tea. "Here you are, Kyon! It'll warm you right up!"

"Thank you, Asahina," thanked Kyon, taking the cup and already having himself a drink. Neither of them noticed Yuki standing up from her chair. Book in hand, she faced the two and took a deep breath.

Then Yuki spoke.

"BIG VAGINA."

Kyon's tea sprayed out of his mouth like water from a fire hose, and Mikuru turned a fire truck red. Yuki quickly sat down in her chair, book already held up in front of her face to hide her fierce blush.

"NAGATO!!" yelled a mortified Kyon.

"It's just a medical term," Yuki calmly explained, her heart beating like a jackhammer.

From that day forward, Yuki learned that even though you are a genius, that still didn't stop stupid stuff from coming out of your mouth.

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**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	38. Haruhi is a Pedo

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Just thought I'd take the time to tell all of you that this is the Haruhi fetish chapter I mentioned awhile ago. Don't worry it's nothing gross (she likes to eat bugs) or weird (she gets turned on by fire). It's just........... really unnerving. But I'm sure you'll enjoy it. I worked really hard on this chapter, so I hope you guys send in the reviews!**

**And in case anyone was wondering ,let's just say I got the idea for this after reading through some of the forums here. Heh heh heh...**

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**Haruhi's Little Problem:**

Kyon paused in order to catch his breath. He'd been running for five minutes in his attempt to the Brigade clubroom. The reason behind this was because Haruhi had somehow slipped a note into his pants pocket during class at some point today.

_"Meet me in the clubroom at 4:00. Don't tell anyone else," signed Haruhi._

As if to make things weirder, when went to the clubroom earlier, he'd found a note taper to the door. It stated that all Brigade activities were cancelled today, and that everyone was free to go home. Except for Kyon, of course. He'd read the paper on the door, thanked his personal gods for blessing him with a free day, and started to leave. He barely out of the gate when he found the tiny note in his pocket. Now here he was racing through halls and up the stairs to see what the ruler of the world wanted.

_Crap! _thought Kyon. _It's 4:06! Haruhi's probably pissed right now. Lucky me._

The moment Kyon entered the door, he knew what would happen: Haruhi would get mad at him for being late, then she'd rant and rave about how he never followed orders, and then she'd give him the death penalty. Oh, joy.

So after taking a deep breath and gathering his wits, Kyon approached the clubroom door, grabbed the knob, and entered the dragon's lair. Instead of a barrage of angry demands like he expected, Kyon was greeted with silence. He soon saw why.

Haruhi was at the back of the room, pacing back and forth, with worried looked on her face. Hands folded behind her back, she continued her pacing, eyes narrowed in deep thought. It seemed as though she hadn't even heard him come in. After walking for about a minute, Haruhi sensed she wasn't alone in the room. She glanced up at Kyon as if noticing him for the first time. Then Haruhi's face slowly formed an expression. It wasn't anger. It was...... relief?

"Oh, thank god! You're here, Kyon!" cried Haruhi. Then she ran up to Kyon and embraced him. "You have no idea how much I needed to see you!" she said into his chest.

Kyon was struck dumb. Haruhi was glad to see him? What, no yelling? No lecture? Not even a kick to the face? Something was up.

"Uh... Haruhi?" Kyon said, causing her to look up at him. "I'm late."

"Yeah......?" Haruhi said quizzically.

"So shouldn't you be giving me the death penalty or something?" asked Kyon.

Haruhi glared at him, and for a second, she looked like the Haruhi he was used to. But he didn't expect the following words to come out of her mouth...

"Death penalty? Forget that! Kyon, there is a much more pressing manner at hand!"

Either Haruhi Suzumiya had been replaced with an alien duplicate or there was something very wrong around here. Kyon watched as Haruhi moved past him and towards the door. Then she locked it. Kyon felt very uncomfortable for some reason.

"Why did you ask me to come here, Haruhi? And what's with all the secrecy?" Kyon asked after finding the nerve to speak.

Haruhi turned to Kyon and sighed. Then she looked at him with a expression that would usually be found on Mikuru's face. Kyon's heart melted and his brain started yelling, _Ohgodohgodohgodohgod...... _

Haruhi walked up to Kyon, with her hands tightly clasped together, and said, "Because Kyon... I need you."

Kyon's brain exploded."Wha-What?"

"Kyon, I have this problem. I had it for a long, long time. It started out small, but now it's gotten out of hand. You're the only one I've talked to about it. Nobody else knows. Not my parents, not any of the other members of the SOS Brigade, not anybody. You're the only I can turn to. Will you help me?" pleaded Haruhi.

Kyon felt relieved. For a moment there, it seemed like Haruhi was going to confess to him (not that he would have minded, though). Nerves relaxed, he faced his chief with an expression of pure chivalry.

"Of course, Haruhi. I will help you," Kyon said gallantly. "Now what kind of problem do you have?"

Haruhi coughed to the side and said in a voice that should be considered a whisper, "I need your help to conquer a............... fetish I have."

"A fetish?" said a perplexed Kyon. He hadn't been expecting that. Then again, Haruhi wasn't the most normal person he'd ever met.

"Yes, Kyon. A fetish. It's something so sick and vile that I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Because if I do, the only thing I'll see staring back at me is a monster," Haruhi said dramatically, raising a hand to her forehead in the process.

"So, what's your fetish, Haruhi?" asked Kyon. "Is it something gross? Because if you get your jollies from rolling around in piss or vomit, then..."

"It's nothing like THAT!"

"Then what is it?"

"It's nothing disgusting like what you said. It's just....... really weird."

"Then just say it. Then I'll help you."

Haruhi looked straight at her shoes for a few seconds. Then she lifted her head to Kyon and took a deep breath. And then Haruhi Suzumiya belted out her secret to Kyon.

"I LIKE DELICIOUSLY FLAT CHESTS!!!"

One hell of an awkward silence followed.

"That's your big secret?" Kyon said, an amused smile creeping up on his features.

"Don't make light of this, Kyon! It's a problem I've had for my entire life! I didn't know about it until I came to high school. Whenever I looked at the other girls in gym class, I was filled with a sense of loathing. That's when I realized that I was only truly happy in middle school! So many young girls in the awaiting stages of womanhood... I knew how weird people would find it if showed interest in my passion so I tried going out with several boys to curb my feelings. It didn't work out..." Haruhi admitted.

"Then why do you show such an interest in Miss Asahina?" Kyon questioned, wondering why Haruhi showed such glee in molesting the well-endowed girl.

Haruhi looked at him as if he had just told her to clean the school pool with her tongue. "I have no interest in Mikuru at all! I only brought her to attract attention for the club as eye-candy. And I only mess around with her to keep up appearances! But every time I touch her boobs, I'm filled with disgust. They're so........ big and round! Not flat at all! Every time I come home, I wash and scrub my hands just to get the feeling off my skin! You think I'm into big breasts, Kyon? You couldn't be farther from the truth! Nasty! Gross! Repulsive things! ................... But Yuki on the other hand.................."

A dreamy expression appeared on Haruhi's face. Drool began to spill out of the corner of her mouth. Kyon facepalmed in annoyance.

"Haruhi?"

"...Huh? What?"

"You're drooling."

"Oh! Whoops. That happens sometimes. I was just picturing Yuki in a swimsuit..."

As Haruhi wiped the fluid off her face, Kyon threw out another question. "But why is this such a problem? I mean it's a little weird, but it doesn't seem all that serious, Haruhi. And why does this concern me?"

Haruhi gave a guilty look at Kyon and said, "The thing is, Kyon, is that my problem is two-fold. The first part is my addiction to flat chests."

"Uh-huh. What's the second part?"

"The second part is that I'm in love."

"Y-You're in love?"

"I know! I can't believe it either! It's a mental illness and I'm sick with it!"

"Okay, okay! Calm down! Just who are you in love with?"

"I have fallen head over heels in love with someone I know. The recipient of my affection has the most prepubescent chest I've ever seen! This person makes my heart light up whenever I see her. Every time I see this person, I want to run over and squeeze her! But she has no idea of my feelings! Our romance would be considered forbidden by today's standards! And what's more, she's part of the Brigade! I don't know what to do!"

_Someone she knows with a flat chest... Does she mean....._ Kyon's eyes widened. _Nagato?!?!_

Swallowing his surprise and gave Haruhi his best understanding face. "Relax, Haruhi. Just tell me who you have a crush on, and then I'll help you."

"This isn't a crush, Kyon!" Haruhi yelled with a red face. "This is true love! This person and I are destined to be with one another, but I have to refuse the call of fate!"

"Okay, okay, okay. Now.... who are you in love with?"

"Promise you won't freak out, Kyon?"

"I promise, Haruhi. I wouldn't freak out over you being in love with Nagato."

".................Come again?"

"You meant Nagato, right? You said it was someone with a flat chest you knew, who was part of the Brigade. It's Nagato, isn't it?"

"Err... no, Kyon. It's not Yuki."

"Then............ who is it?"

"It's your sister."

Cities rose and fell. The Integrated Data Entity achieved auto-evolution. A new Ice Age passed. Mario and Bowser fought through forty new games. Three more movies for Twilight came out. Matt Groening ran out of ideas for the Simpsons. The Jonas Brothers did remakes of all the Disney songs. That's how long it seemed to Haruhi before Kyon stopped staring at her, and he found the ability to speak once again.

"Haruhi..." Kyon said slowly.

"Yeah, Kyon?" said Haruhi, unnerved at the fact that that Kyon hadn't spoken for five minutes.

"Are you actually in love with my sister?" the boy asked quietly.

Haruhi tried to scan Kyon's face for any signs of a facial expression, but found none. "Yes, Kyon. I have romantic feelings for Imouto. I've had them ever since I met her. It seemed weird at first, but then my feelings felt natural over time. The really strange part is that I've had these for her, and we've only met like three or four times! That's pretty funny, huh?"

"Yes, Haruhi," Kyon said emotionlessly, "That's a riot. Can I just ask you something?"

Haruhi exhaled some relief that Kyon seemed to be taking this rather well. "Sure! What is it?"

In a time-frame of two seconds, Kyon was in Haruhi's face, eyes drilling into hers, teeth bared, with his right hand gripping the orange ribbons on her school uniform. He didn't seem too pleased.

"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU SICKO?!?!" Kyon roared into her face. For the first time in her life, Haruhi was afraid for her own safety.

"I'M SORRY, KYON!!! I'M SORRY!!! PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Haruhi babbled.

"YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH MY SISTER!!! MY TWELVE-YEAR OLD SISTER!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DEPRAVED THAT SOUNDS, YOU FUCKING LOLICON!!!"

"I KNOW, KYON!!! I KNOW!!! DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW HOW THIS LOOKS!!! IF I KNEW SOMEBODY WHO WAS LUSTING AFTER A YOUNGER SIBLING OF MINE, I'D GO NUTS TOO!!!"

"......YOU MEAN YOU'VE HAD IMPURE THOUGHTS ABOUT IMOUTO!!! MY ANGELIC SISTER!!! THE SISTER WHO I'VE LOOKED OUT FOR SINCE SHE COULD WALK?!?! IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?!?!"

"PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION, KYON!!! I DON'T WANT THESE FEELINGS!!! THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOU HERE!!! I NEED YOU TO HELP ME OVERCOME MY ADDICTION TO YOUR SISTER'S LOLINESS!!! IF I DON'T CONQUER MY ATTRACTION TO HER, THEN MY PENT-UP FEELINGS MAY START TO SURFACE IN BIZARRE WAYS!!!"

"....ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT YOU MAY CONSIDER SEXUALLY-ASSAULTING IMOUTO IN THE FUTURE?!?!"

"THAT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING I WANT TO AVOID!!!"

Suddenly, Kyon released his grip on Haruhi's ribbons, and she plummeted to the floor on her butt. She remained there for a few seconds, just staring up at Kyon, who towered above her. He looked like an angry deity of some sort. After giving her a look that would melt a cement vest, Kyon sighed and placed a hand to his forehead.

"Haruhi..." Kyon said softly.

Haruhi gulped. "Y-Yeah?"

"I think I have the answer to your problem," Kyon said emotionlessly.

"You do? Oh, thank you, Kyon! You don't know how much this means to me! " smiled Haruhi, getting up to embrace Kyon. However, Kyon held out a hand to stop her.

"Huh?"

"The solution is this: I don't want you anywhere near my sister. I'm breaking off all your ties with her."

"WHAAAT?! You mean I can never see her again? That's totally unfair, Kyon!"

"Haruhi, my sister looks up to you. I want her to remain thinking of you as a big sister, and not as a girlfriend. So until you can control these unholy urges of yours, I don't want you within twenty feet of her. Understand? Good."

With that, Kyon made his to the door. He was stopped when Haruhi grabbed his left ankle.

"What?"

"You can't separate us, Kyon! I will fight this! You can't stand in the way of true love!"

That's when Kyon leaned down to face Haruhi. "Haruhi?"

"Yeah...?" asked the goddess, who felt like an ant facing a weed-whacker.

"Do you know what I'm going to do to you if I catch you doing anything to Imouto?"

"No. What would you do?"

"Picture the worst thing in the world happening to you."

Haruhi did so.

"Good. Now picture it while being set on fire, lowered into a shark tank, having arrows launched at you, and holding a bomb in your mouth."

Haruhi gasped. "You would do that to me?"

Kyon glowered at her. "No. I'd do something worse. Goodbye, Haruhi."

Kyon then removed Haruhi's fingers from his ankle, placed two of his fingers into his ears, closed his eyes, and walked out the door while humming the theme song from the first season of Pokémon to drown out her protests.

Unfortunately, one of the things Haruhi yelled at him was, "Kyon! The stairs!"

_Thud._

_Thud._

_Thud._

_Thud._

_Thud._

_Thud._

_Thud._

_Thud._

_Thud._

_**CRASH!!!**_

***

After limping all the way home, Kyon went through his regular routine: He played with his sister (he gave her an extra big hug), he watched T.V., he had a snack, he watched an episode of K-ON that he Tivo-ed, did some homework, ate dinner, did the rest of his homework, played with his sister AND Shamishen, took a shower, and went to bed. All was well...

At least until midnight.

_Tap tap tap._

"Huh?" mumbled Kyon rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

_Tap tap tap._

The noise seemed to be coming from his window. Stumbling out of bed, Kyon looked outside and frowned. Standing in the middle of the street, pebbles in hand, and clad in a sweater, was Haruhi.

"Hey, Kyon!" Haruhi half-shouted, half-whispered to him. "What are you doing?"

"I WAS sleeping until you came along," Kyon half-whined, half-snarled at her. "What the hell do you want?!"

"I came here to talk!"

"It's 12 o'clock!"

"It's a very serious manner!"

"Haruhi, leave my house. We'll talk tomorrow. Now, go home before I call the cops!"

Haruhi put on a pouting face and began to walk away. Kyon sighed with relief and shut the window. Now he could sleep in peace. Getting back into bed, Kyon settled down and let sleep overtake him. He slept well............. before something poked him in the shoulder.

"Mmmmphf?"

"Kyon? Are you awake?"

_No. Fucking. Way, _thought Kyon. He shot up in bed to find a pair of gold eyes staring at him in the darkness.

"Hey, Kyon," waved Haruhi.

Kyon fought the urge to disembowel her with a gardening implement and leaped out of bed. He flicked on his desk lamp.

"Haruhi!!" Kyon hissed in a low voice. "How the hell did you get into my house?!"

Haruhi looked at her shoes and said in a guilty voice, "Your window was open."

"I closed my window!!!"

"............But the window in your sister's room was open a bit..........."

Kyon woke up instantly and rushed to Imouto's bedroom. Haruhi trailed after him. Once there, the boy threw open the door (it was okay, since Imouto could sleep through an earthquake) and ran over to his sister's bed. There she was, nuzzled under the blanket like an angel. Kyon let out a sigh of relief and faced Haruhi.

"What?" Haruhi asked innocently.

"Did you do anything to my sister?" Kyon said bluntly.

Haruhi's face was one of horror. "Kyon! I can't believe you'd suggest I'd do something so creepy! The nerve!"

"Haruhi, you'd better give me an answer right now. You may have power over me at school, but this is my house. You broke in. By law, I can do a number of things to you and not go to prison," Kyon warned.

Haruhi's face blanched. "Okay, okay! I noticed that half of her blanket was kicked off, and that she was shivering. So I tucked her in."

""What else?" Kyon asked, knowing that something else had happened.

"Ummmmmmmmmm............" Haruhi stared at the floor.

"Haruhi............" Kyon tried again.

"I kissed her," Haruhi said flatly.

"YOU WHAT?!?!?!?" Kyon roared, nearly waking up the whole house. Haruhi threw her hands in order to shield herself. Imouto still slept.

"Not on the mouth! It was a good-night kiss! I did it on the cheek! IT WAS CHASTE!!!" Haruhi explained hastily in order to pacify Kyon. It seemed to calm him down somewhat. Kyon leaned against his sister's wall and slid down. He placed his hands over his face and started to mutter several things under his breath. Haruhi couldn't hear, but it sounded like Kyon was saying, 'I can't believe I actually said I enjoyed all the random crap that happens to me.....'. Then he exhaled sharply and looked at Haruhi. She visibly flinched, but held her ground.

"Please, Kyon! I really need your help to get over this! I've spent many sleepless nights tossing and turning in bed. I can't concentrate in school and I'm always tired! Only you can help me with this! I don't want the others to know about my secret shame! Help me! As your Brigade chief I order you to help me! So................ please?"

Kyon noticed that Haruhi actually sounded genuine. She had looked a little ragged in the past couple of weeks. Maybe this was serious...

"Okay, Haruhi. You're my friend and friends help out each other in trouble. I'll help you get over your obsession with my sister."

"You will? Oh, thank you, Kyon! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!"

Kyon got off the floor and said, "First things first. Do you happen to have anything at your house that reminds you of Imouto?"

At this question, Haruhi grinned sheepishly. "Well, now that you mention it........."

***

Kyon gaped. He was standing in the middle of Haruhi's room at 1 o'clock in the morning, and staring at the creepiest thing imaginable. Haruhi had brought him here after their chat in his house, demanding that they start working on her problem right away. Once they'd snuck past her parent's room, Haruhi went over to a desk in the room's corner, and opened up a drawer on the bottom with a padlock.

The drawer had been stuffed to the brim with Imouto memorabilia. Nearly everything that laid in front of Kyon had to do with his little sister. There was an Imouto-shaped plushy, a poem dedicated to her, several drawings of her (in crayon, ink, pencil, AND watercolor), an Imouto image song (WTF?!), her left sock that she'd lost a week ago, and her hairbrush. There was even a half-finished fanfic that described all the various things Haruhi wished to do to the twelve-year old girl involving: whipped cream, a feather-duster, chocolate sauce, scented candles, strawberries, a watermelon, a chinchilla, a golf club, and half a quart of orange sherbet.

"Is this.... all of it?" asked Kyon, who was trying not to scream.

"Yup," Haruhi said with a hint of sadness, "This is it."

Then her eyes lit up suddenly. "Oh, wait a second! There's more!"

"More...?" dreaded Kyon.

He watched as Haruhi dashed over to her bookshelf and reached up to the third shelf. The Ultra Director snatched a book from it that seemed to be a diary with hearts and flowers on it. She undid the lock on the front and flipped to the middle of the book. Kyon watched as Haruhi pulled out the middle center the pages on the book's right-hand side. She'd obviously carved out a secret compartment to store something in the space. But what? Kyon soon had his answer.

"Photographs?" murmured a befuddled Kyon.

"Indeed," replied a wistful Haruhi.

Haruhi withdrew at least eight pictures from the diaries secret compartment. Everyone of them had a picture of Imouto on it. Kyon took the pictures and started flipping through them. Imouto in the park with Miyoko, Imouto coming out of school, Imouto playing baseball, Imouto running at the beach, and...........

"Haruhi?"

"Yeah?"

"Is this my sister at my cousin's pool?"

"Yeah......."

"From that time my family went to visit them on vacation?"

"Yeah......."

"..........DID YOU FUCKING FOLLOW US?!"

"YES, YES! I DID! I'M THAT CREEPY!!!"

Groaning, Kyon placed the photos on top of everything and faced Haruhi. "Haruhi, I want you to go into the kitchen and get me a trash bag."

"What for?" asked a confused Haruhi.

"I'm going to throw everything, except my sister's sock and hairbrush, in it and then we're going to burn it," Kyon said without any remorse.

"Burn it!?" exclaimed Haruhi. "So soon!?"

"Haruhi, as long as you keep this stuff around, its power over you won't go away. We need to get rid of it, in order to cleanse your body. If we just threw it out, you'd just go through the garbage to get it back. Understand?" Kyon explained as gentle as he could.

"O-O-Okay..." sniffled Haruhi, "Sorry about snapping like that. I was weak."

Soon, Kyon and Haruhi had everything in the bag. The sun was beginning to peek out from the horizon.

Turning to Kyon, Haruhi said, "How am I going to go cold turkey for your sister? I still have to overcome my flat chest addiction! What about that Kyon?"

Kyon felt like a traitor, but he knew what had to be done to protect his sister from a pedophilic goddess. "Have you considered dressing up Nagato? Her body structure might be just be just the thing to curb your stress."

Haruhi's face broke out in a grin. "That's it, Kyon! You're a genius! I already have the perfect thing in mind! How does a gothic-lolita outfit sound?"

"That sounds............. great."

"Oh, and, Kyon?"

"Yeah?"

"If you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you."

"That's the Haruhi I know."

There was silence. Then Kyon spoke up again.

"Hey, Haruhi?"

"Yeah, Kyon?"

"You don't have........ anything else of my sister in here do you?"

A pause.

"Haruhi?"

"Check under my pillow........."

Kyon did so. And he found something that Imouto had lost months ago.

"Haruhi... is this Imouto's............ training bra?!"

"...........It smells like pineapples."

"..........."

"...Kyon?"

"I'm going to give you until the count of five, before I strangle you with your own ribbons........"

"You don't really mean tha-"

"One."

"Kyon! As your Brigade chief I order you to-"

"Two."

"C'mon, take it easy! I saw it poking out of the hamper when I used your bathroom that one time and the temptation was too great! I was going to return it eventua-"

"Five."

And then Haruhi was racing out into the street, while Kyon zoomed after her, bra in hand. Just another regular day for the SOS Brigade.

* * *

**A/N: Wow, this was long. Ya gotta admit, ImoutoxHaruhi is the creepiest pairing ever. Hell, Imoutoxanyone is eerie. Brrrr. Luckily, she's got GAR Kyon to protect her.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!**


	39. Sasakira

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: HOLY CRAP!!! THIS MONSTROSITY HAS 300 REVIEWS, 41 FAVORITES, AND 29 ALERTS!!! **

**I had no idea this was going to become SO popular. I just was going to write at least 25 stories at first, but then things just kinda snowballed from there...**

**So, thank you everyone. Thank you for reading my garbage and sending me ideas. I have A LOT of free time on my hands as you can tell.**

**Now this one is an idea given to me by Akai. There's been a few Death Note/Haruhi crossovers here. I'm sure you've all read or heard about the story called "The Death Note of Haruhi Suzumiya"? But, I've noticed something about those stories. It's always either Haruhi or Kyon that gets the Death Note. So, in order to spice things up, I did something different.**

**I gave it to someone else.**

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**The God of this New World:**

"Please, Sasaki!" begged Kyouko. "You have to be the recipient of Haruhi Suzumiya's powers! They don't belong to her!"

Behind the esper stood Fujiwara and Kuyou. Both watched as Kyouko tried in vain to convince Sasaki to be the new holder of Haruhi's god powers. It wasn't working out.

"I keep telling you all that I don't want Haruhi's powers! Is that too much to ask?" said Sasaki, who decided to check her watch. "Great. I'm going to be late getting home. Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

Kyouko sighed in defeat. "If that's what you wish..."

Sasaki watched as the esper, alien, and time-traveler walked away and turned the corner. The moment they were gone, Sasaki sighed.

"If they only knew the truth about me..."

So, Sasaki made her way home in the afternoon sun. As she walked through the crowds, she quickly darted into a nearby convince store. Seconds later, the brown-haired girl emerged holding a plastic bag in one hand.

_Almost forgot to get these..._ she thought to herself.

Soon, Sasaki reached her house The only one home at the time was her mother; her father was still at work and would not be home for a few hours. She entered the house, said hi to her mom in the living room, went inside her room, locked the door, and drew the blinds. She walked to her desk, making sure to place the bag on her bed, while on the way. The bag's contents spilled out onto the comforter.

Juicy, mouth-watering, red apples.

From a dark corner of the bed, a shadowy claw shot out and grabbed one. Loud, crunching sounds emerged soon after. Sasaki sat in a small chair at the desk and smiled.

"Go to town," she said without looking over her shoulder. "I'll get you another bag tomorrow."

There was a chuckle in the shadows, and the pale-skinned creature popped another fruit into its toothy maw, chewing in pure bliss.

Sasaki reached into her bottom desk and pulled out a notebook. It was completely black in color with some white writing in front. Smiling, Sasaki took out a list in her skirt pocket with several words on it.

Names.

Humming a jaunty she made up on the spot, Sasaki began to write down a few of the names in the notebook. When she was done, she turned on her T.V. and switched it to the news. A well-dressed gentlemen began to speak.

"We now return you to the scene at hand. What's going on now, Mariko?" said the man. The scene switched to a young woman standing next to some police officers. A supermarket loomed in the background.

"Thanks, Kenji. A local street gang has taken over the store behind me and they are holding everyone inside hostage! Police are attempting to reason with them, but to no avail. The men have stated to start shooting hostages if their demands aren't met. The standoff has been going on for at least-"

Suddenly, there was movement behind her, and several gunshots began to ring out. Everyone ducked. The police rushed into the building. A minute later the reporter was getting a message from her earpiece.

"I've just been told that all of the gang members have simultaneously committed suicide! Apparently, each of the men pulled out their guns and placed them into their mouths! What a shocking turn of-"

_Click._

Sasaki placed the remote on the T.V. and crossed her arms over her chest. She smiled with content.

"Mmmmmmmm... Too easy."

Skipping over to her desk, Sasaki picked up the notebook and spun in a little circle. She held it close to her heart, like a child with puppy. Sasaki let out a tiny giggle.

"Who needs the powers of a god, when you already are one?" she said cheerily. The creature on the bed chuckled in agreement. Sitting down, Sasaki began to flit through the pages. Fifteen pages were completely full. Shutting it, Sasaki leaned back in the chair and stared at the ceiling for a bit. Then she started to snicker. Then the snickering turned into chortling. The chortles became giggles. The giggles became cackles. And before she knew it, Sasaki burst into full-blown demonic laughter.

"Hmm hmmm hmmm hmmm... heh heh heh heh... hee hee hee hee... ah ha ha ha ha... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

"Sasaki?" called a female voice from outside the door.

Sasaki ceased her insane laughter and returned to her old self immediately. "Yes, mom?"

"Are you all right in there?"

"I'm fine, mom! I was just thinking about something funny at school!"

"Okay, honey. I was going to tell you that dinner will be ready in awhile. We're having steak!"

"Thanks, mom!"

Sasaki listened as mother's footsteps faded away. Then a snake-like grin slithered its way onto her face. Steak was her favorite.

_JUST AS PLANNED... _she thought.

Knowing that dinner would take awhile to be ready, Sasaki went over to her desk to get a snack. Reaching past some books and paper, she came up with a plastic bag. Then Sasaki opened it, took out a potato chip...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...AND ATE IT!!!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: So, Sasaki is Kira.**

**...**

**Sasakira?**

**Wouldn't it be weird if Sasaki turns out to be manipulating everyone? She's all nice and placid in person, but in private she's scheming away for world domination. That's sounds absurd and plausible at the same time. That and the fact that I once heard someone say that genderbent-Sasaki looks like a benign version of Light Yagami. **

**Weird, huh?**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	40. Memorize This

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I don't know, okay. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, OKAY!!! This is the result of playing Kingdom Hearts 2 for awhile, and then trying to fathom the mystery of Kyon's real name. You won't get this unless you are familiar with a certain character from that game.**

**Namely, a shifty guy with spiky, red hair...**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Kyon's True Identity:**

Haruhi and Kyon were walking through the park together, hand in hand. They'd been going out for quite awhile and couldn't be happier. However, one question still rang in Haruhi's mind.

"Hey, Kyon?" said Haruhi.

"Hmm? What is it, Haruhi?" asked her boyfriend.

"Well..." Haruhi said, while twirling a finger through her hair, "I was wondering about your name..."

Kyon raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What about my name?"

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but......... I've forgotten it."

"You forgot my name?"

"I know! I've gotten so used to calling you, 'Kyon', that I completely forgot it. It's pretty stupid, what with us dating and all, but could you tell me? It'll bug me all day if you don't!"

"............................"

Suddenly, Kyon let go of Haruhi's hand and walked up ahead. She watched as Kyon spun around, a wide grin on his face, and pointed at his forehead with his left hand.

"The name's Axel. Got it memorized?"

Haruhi blinked several times.

"Okaaaaaaaay......"

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**A/N: Holy crap... AXEL HAS POSSESSED KYON!!!**

**Well, that was random. I'll be writing a chapter dedicated to Itsuki's esper buddies. Look out for it!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!**


	41. The Anti Inquisition: Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Written just for Aster and Akai. You see, there's this doujin on the internet where Tsuruya, Imouto, Ryoko, and Emiri form their own Brigade. It's called the SMT Brigade (which stands for "Stirring up the world Megas much is Tsuruya's brigade's objective"). Their group directly opposes the SOS Brigade. During it, Haruhi exclaims, 'An Anti-SOS Brigade?!'. Now this got me thinking... **

**THERE ALREADY IS AN ANTI-SOS BRIGADE!!!**

**Wouldn't they get upset at a bunch of secondary characters trying to steal their spotlight? A week later, I watched the Monty Python skit, "The Spanish Inquisition".**

**...**

**This is the result.**

**I made it a two-part story, since I wanted to include the torture scene. Have fun, kiddies!**

* * *

**Part 1: Nobody Expects the Anti-SOS Brigade!:**

Haruhi couldn't believe it. Tsuruya had formed her own Brigade called the SMT Brigade. Their purpose? To go against the SOS Brigade. And here they were; trying to steal away Kyon so he could join. Like hell that would happen!

"I can't believe you, Tsuruya!" yelled Haruhi. "I make you an honorary member of our Brigade, and you go off and form your own behind my back! And then you waltz in and try to make off with one of my own! You dirty snake!"

"Wait a minute, Haruhi!" shouted Tsuruya. "We only wants to borrow Kyon for a little bit. We'll give him back after we find another person. Is that so wrong?"

"YES, IT IS! You formed a club with the sole intent of going up against MY club! That's the problem!"

"What's wrong with a little rivalry, nyoro?"

"Nothing! I-I just didn't expect an Anti-SOS Brigade!"

As both groups watched their leaders exchanged words, Itsuki decided to check his phone. There would be a lot of Closed Space forming today... As he reached for his pocket, the esper happened to glance out the window in the room. He blinked. What the...

"Hey, guys!" called Itsuki, getting everyone's attention. "What are those-"

_CRASH!_

The window shattered into many pieces as four figures dressed in red robes swung in on ropes. Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, Itsuki, Tsuruya, Ryoko, Emiri, and Imouto were struck dumb. The figures landed on the floor gracefully and raised their heads. Three wore hoods, while the one in front wore a wide-brimmed red hat. Then their faces were revealed.

Kyon gasped in stunned realization. "Sasaki?"

_**DUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!**_

A jarring chord is heard for some reason.

"Nobody expects the Anti-SOS Brigade!" cried Sasaki triumphantly.

Behind her stood Kyouko, Fujiwara, and Kuyou. The renegade esper and time-traveler wore smug little grins on their faces. Even Kuyou appeared to be smiling somewhat. All of them places their hands on their hips and stared at the SOS and SMT Brigades. Both groups were in a state of shock and confusion.

"Who are these guys?" asked Tsuruya, who was torn between laughing and saying 'What the fuck?'.

Before anyone could answer her, Sasaki gestured with her hand, and Kyouko haughtily strode forward and began to speak. "Our chief weapon is surprise...! Surprise and fear...! Fear and surprise...! Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency...! Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to Sasaki! Our four... No... Amongst our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear..."

The pig-tailed girl seemed to lose track of her words and turned to face the rest of her group. They huddled together for five seconds before Sasaki addressed Haruhi and Tsuruya.

"We'll come in again, okay?" said the hat-wearing girl. And before Haruhi or Tsuruya could object, the foursome ran out the clubroom door, red cloaks trailing behind them.

"Wha-Wha-What?" stuttered a baffled Haruhi.

Suddenly, Sasaki shouted from outside. "Okay! Say what you said before we came in!"

Haruhi blinked several times. "Uh.......... I just didn't expect an Anti-SOS Brigade...?"

The moment the words left Haruhi's mouth, Sasaki and her entourage swung into the room again on ropes.

_**DUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!**_

"Nobody expects the Anti-SOS Brigade!" cried Sasaki once again.

Kyouko marched forward again. "Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to Sasaki, and the Sky Canopy Dominion- Oh, damn!"

Kyouko shuffled back to her group, head hung in disappointment. Kuyou was shaking her head in disgust, Fujiwara facepalmed, and Sasaki sighed deeply. Everyone else was just plain confuzzled.

Groaning, Sasaki turned to Fujiwara. "Kyouko can't say it. Looks like you'll have to say it instead."

"What?" Fujiwara was quite sure he hadn't heard her right.

"You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are...'"

Fujiwara's usual sneering face became a mask of horror. "ME?! I couldn't possibly do that..."

Ignoring the time-traveler, Sasaki ushered her group out again. Haruhi looked at everyone in the room to see if anyone could make any sense of the situation, but all she received was a bunch of shrugs.

"Ready!" Sasaki's voice rang out.

"I just didn't expect an Anti-SOS Brigade..." Haruhi said flatly.

And just like last time, the four baddies made another entrance via through the window.

_**DUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!**_

Fujiwara stepped forward with a nervous look on his face. "Er.... Nobody... um..."

Growling, Sasaki leaned over next to Fujiwara's right ear, and started feeding him the lines. "Expects..."

"Expects... Nobody expects the... um... the Anti-SOS... um..."

"Brigade."

"I know, I know! Nobody expects the Anti-SOS Brigade! In fact, those who do expect -"

"Our chief weapons are..."

"Our chief weapons are... um... er..."

"Surprise..."

"Surprise and-"

"Okay, Fujiwara, stop. Stop. Stop there- stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...Our chief weapons are surprise... blah blah blah. Kuyou, read the charges to these pretenders to our villainy!"

Kuyou toddled towards Tsuruya's gang and withdrew a small piece of parchment from her sleeve. "You are hereby___________________charged that you did________on diverse dates commit heresy________________against the Anti-SOS Brigade. My superiors_____said that contact with________the Integrated Data Entity-"

"All right, Kuyou, that's enough," cut in Sasaki. "Now, how does the SMT Brigade plea?"

Tsuruya realized that she was being spoken to so she coughed and faced all of the robed foil characters. "I really don't knows what we did wrong. I means, we were just having some fun with our friends! That's not a crime, now is it? You act like we dids a mega bad thing, nyoro!"

"Yeah!" said Ryoko. "This is between us and the SOS Brigade! Go bother someone else! Someone could have gotten hurt with you four smashing the windows open like that!"

"I do hope we haven't offended you in any way," Emiri said softly.

"Uh-huh!" squeaked Imouto. "We're all innocent!"

At the mention of the word 'innocent' the members Anti-SOS Brigade (even Kuyou) smirked at them.

"Did you hear that?" crowed Sasaki. "They think they're innocent!"

"How outrageously absurd!" Kyouko nastily remarked.

"An unlikely story!" sneered Fujiwara, going into full-on 'Bastard Mode'.

"____Yes, what rubbish,____" hissed Kuyou.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" guffawed Sasaki.

"Hee hee hee hee hee hee!" giggled Kyouko.

"Nya ha ha ha ha...." chuckled Fujiwara.

"______________________________Heh, ______________________________" snickered Kuyou.

Then all four teenagers threw back their heads and burst into a maelstrom of insane laughter. "Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!"

**(DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER)**

After they were done laughing, and the Brigades were thoroughly traumatized, the Anti-SOS Brigade faced them.

"So, all four of you believe yourselves to be innocent then, hmmmmmmmmm? We'll soon change your minds about that!" threatened Kyouko, shaking her fist.

**(DIABOLICAL ACTING)**

"Fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency-" Sasaki stopped mid-sentence in extreme effort to avoid starting the entire bit again. "Oooooooooooooh! Okay. I'm good. Now, Kuyou! The rack!"

Kuyou extended a hand, causing a shape to materialize in her outstretched palm. Instead of the classic medieval torture device, a plastic dish-drying rack one would normally find in the kitchen appeared instead. Sasaki took one look at it and began to grind her teeth in an effort not to lose control. Fujiwara and Kyouko fidgeted nervously. Both of them knew first-hand that despite her looks, Sasaki had a very nasty temper if pushed too far. Everyone else was even more perplexed than they originally were.

"All right then... Fujiwara! Kyouko! Tie down Tsuruya to the rack!" commanded Sasaki, looking a bit peeved at the moment.

Kyouko took the rack from Kuyou, and then the bubbly esper and the ever-sneering time-traveler grabbed a hold of Tsuruya. The green-haired girl watched in amusement as Kyouko and Fujiwara placed the rack on her chest. Kyouko signaled that they were ready to proceed.

"Right! How do you plead?" asked Sasaki.

Tsuruya, true to her nature, started to laugh. "Ha ha ha ha ha! You guys are so funny! How long are you guys gonna do this game? We already said we were innocent! Ha ha ha-"

"SHUT UP!!!" Sasaki thundered, causing Tsuruya to shut up instantly. "Ha! Right! Kuyou, give the rack... Oh dear...."

At this point, Sasaki's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. She slapped her forehead in annoyance and beckoned to Kuyou.

"Kuyou... give the rack a turn..." muttered Sasaki, head facing the floor in embarrassment.

"But______I_____cannot perform such an____action._________It is__illogical...___" Kuyou droned, actually looking confused for once in the time she'd been created.

"I KNOW. I know you can't... I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake," Sasaki barked at the Humanoid Interface.

Shifting awkwardly, Kuyou approached Tsuruya's side. After receiving unsure shrugs from her partners-in-crime, Kuyou reached up and began to crank an imaginary handle on the rack. During this absurd act, Ryoko, Emiri, and Imouto started to giggle. Sasaki noticed their amusement and decided enough was enough.

"All right, that does it! We should have done this from the beginning! Fujiwara! We're going with your plan!" screamed Sasaki.

Upon hearing this, Fujiwara grinned evilly. "Finally! Kuyou! Kyouko! We're switching methods! Initiate Plan B! Break!"

Kuyou nodded and Kyouko squealed in delight. And before anyone knew what was happening, Sasaki dashed up to Tsuruya and grabbed her wrists, Kyouko slung Ryoko over her shoulder, Fujiwara picked up Emiri bridal-style, and Kuyou formed her hair into a gigantic hand and plucked Imouto off the floor like a berry. Suddenly, all four villains were bolting out of the room with their captives in tow, laughing their asses off.

"Let go of me! You're going to get into mega trouble for this!" yelled Tsuruya.

"Put me down, you brute!" shrieked Emiri.

"Unhand me! You'll pay for this!" threatened Ryoko.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" screamed Imouto.

And then they were gone.

The SOS Brigade sat in complete silence, trying to mull over the events that just transpired. It was three minutes before Haruhi broke the uncomfortable silence.

"Well," said Haruhi with a large smile on her face, "I guess that problem solved itself!"

* * *

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	42. The Anti Inquisition: Part 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Here is the second part. I'm sure you all know what's going to happen...**

**Oh, and since Akai asked for it, I included a slider joke in this one. Hope you all like it!**

* * *

**Part 2: Nobody Expects the Anti-SOS Brigade!:**

"Wakey, wakey! Eggs and bakey!" said an energetic voice.

Tsuruya groaned and her eyelids fluttered open. She'd been unconscious for at least half an hour. She vaguely remembered Sasaki pulling her by wrists as they rushed out of her school. Tsuruya had been yelling at her non-stop as they ran, until Sasaki stopped in mid-stride, and whirled on Tsuruya. Her jaw still ached from where the crazed girl's uppercut had landed.

"C'mon already! Rise and shine!" chirped the same voice.

Eyes fully open, Tsuruya saw that it was Kyouko who had spoken. The robed girl stood a feet from Tsuruya, smiling pleasantly. Beside the smiling esper stood her other three companions. Each of them was wearing a smile that seemed to scream '_I have bodies in my freezer_'.

Now that Tsuruya had regained consciousness, she could now see her environment more clearly. It was then that the heiress noticed two important things: She appeared to be in some kind of underground cell with a stone staircase leading upwards to the surface, and that Ryoko, Emiri, and Imouto were right next to her. Each of them was chained to the stone walls with solid-looking handcuffs (though Ryoko and Emiri's cuffs were more hi-tech and had flashing lights- a precaution Kuyou and Fujiwara's groups had taken in case they needed to neutralize any enemy Interfaces). It was when Tsuruya tried to move that she found out something else.

She was also handcuffed to the wall.

"What's going on?!" Tsuruya demanded. "Why didja all chain us up like this?"

"Well, we thought you'd confess to your crimes more easily if you were secured," smirked Fujiwara. "So we decided to take you all on a 'little journey'. Heh heh heh..."

"A little journey?" repeated Emiri from her spot on the wall. "Where did you bring us?"

"Oh, nowhere important... Just to our SUPER SECRET LAIR OF PAINFUL AND MIND-SCARING TORTURE AND SUPREME WICKED EVIL!!!" screeched Kyouko with a nefarious gleam in her eyes. The SMT Brigade was, for a better lack of words, spooked.

"W-W-What are you going to do to us?" stammered Imouto.

Sasaki grinned. "We are going to submit you four imposters to a torture so vile and foul that those who even survive it shall walk the Earth forever as empty shells of their former selves,"

Tsuruya and the others gulped.

"However," Sasaki continued, stabbing the air with a raised finger, "We will give you all one last chance to confess and renounce your crimes against us. Now if you recall, you are all accused of heresy on three counts- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action-"

"That's FOUR accounts!" Kyouko said joyfully, holding up four fingers for emphasis. So eager was the esper, that she didn't notice the death-glare that the supposed-goddess was shooting her.

"Yes, Kyouko...... FOUR accounts...... Now, do you guys confess?"

"We didn't do ANYTHING!!!" yelled Tsuruya.

"Ha!" Sasaki scoffed. "Then we'll MAKE you understand! Fujiwara! Fetch... THE CUSHIONS!"

_**DUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!**_

Fujiwara ducked behind a stone column and returned holding four beige sofa cushions. He then handed one to Kyouko, two to Kuyou (one for her normal hand and one for her hair tentacle), and kept one for himself.

"Ready, my lady!" signaled Fujiwara.

"Now, one last chance! Okay, posers- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of spotlight-stealing- two last chances. And you all shall be free-three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance. What are your responses?"

"WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG!!!" shouted Ryoko.

"Right! If that's the way you want it... Kyouko! Kuyou! Fujiwara! Poke them with the soft cushions!" ordered Sasaki.

The three underlings nodded and began their wicked torture on the four girls. Fujiwara jabbed Tsuruya, Kyouko poked Ryoko, and Kuyou prodded Emiri and Imouto. During this entire act, Sasaki jumped up and down like a cheerleader, repeatedly shouting, "CONFESS!!!", at the top of her lungs. This went on for about five minutes until Sasaki got tired.

"So, *huff* are you *puff* all ready *huff* to confess?" asked Sasaki, who was feeling a little hoarse.

"Umm... Is this supposed to hurt?" questioned Tsuruya as Fujiwara made several more pathetic attempts at stabbing her belly.

"I don't think we're causing any damage..." said Fujiwara meekly.

"Are you guys sure you've got all the stuffing in the ends?" asked Sasaki.

"______Yes._______We're quite sure_____of that,________" murmured Kuyou.

Frowning, Sasaki went to each of her cronies and proceeded to snatch away the cushions. Then she flung each of them into a dark corner and paced. Something had to be done. What hadn't they tried?

...

...

...

...

...Wait.

"THAT'S IT!!!" exclaimed Sasaki, pumping her fist into the air and simultaneously scaring everyone in the room. "Kuyou, be a dear and get.......... it."

"___What do you____mean?__" wondered the long-haired girl.

Sasaki spun around and threw both hands into air. "You know what I mean! Kuyou! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!"

_**DUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!**_

Kuyou gasped in complete terror. "____The...____Comfy Chair?____"

"EXACTLY!!!" Sasaki said menacingly.

Kuyou sighed and snapped her fingers. A large, soft, white chair blinked into existence. Cackling, the Anti-SOS Brigade began to release their captives from the walls.

"So you think you are all strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Err... I mean, Fujiwara! Place them in the Comfy Chair!" smirked Sasaki.

"Don't try anything funny," Fujiwara warned as he led Emiri and Ryoko to the chair. "This entire area is under Kuyou's data jurisdiction. One move and her buddies will be on you like ants on a candy bar."

As if to enforce the threat, Kuyou nodded repeatedly, while freeing Imouto. Kyouko sat Tsuruya down in the middle, with Emiri to her left, and Ryoko on the right. Imouto was placed on Tsuruya's lap. It was a big chair so nobody was squashed up against each other.

"What a nice chair," commented Emiri.

"Yes, it is, Kimidori!" agreed Ryoko. "I like the color."

Imouto bounced up and down on Tsuruya's lap like she was at a party. "What we gonna do next? I'm sooooooooooooo bored."

"I'm bored too, nyoro!" piped in Tsuruya. "Can we go yet? I'm hungry!"

"SILENCE!!!" shouted Sasaki. "You shall all remain in the Comfy Chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at eleven."

Suddenly, a perplexed expression appeared on Sasaki's face, and she turned towards Kyouko. " Is that really all it is?"

"Uh, yeah. I think that's all the torture methods we have," Kyouko answered with a shrug.

"Oh. I see. I guess I could make it worse if I started shouting at them."

Sasaki whirled on the SMT Brigade with a maniacal look on her face. Then she started waving her arms like a chicken and began to shout at them.

"Confess, Tsuruya! Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!"

Suddenly, Kyouko toppled to the floor on her knees and placed her hands on both sides of her head.

"I CONFESS!!!" yelled Kyouko through her tears.

"NOT YOU, YOU BLITHERING IDIOT!!!" snarled Sasaki, savagely kicking the poor esper in the posterior. She picked herself up looked and at her idol with a look of betrayal on her face before mouthing out the word "Sorry!". Tsuruya and her three pals started laughing their heads off.

"You guys are really funny!" laughed Imouto.

Fujiwara's right eye noticeably twitched and then he said, "Okay. That's it. I've endured this insanity long enough. Our methods aren't working. The big Comfy Chair isn't working. I'll have to go with my backup-backup plan."

"We have a backup plan for our backup plan?" said Kyouko, arching an eyebrow. "What is it?"

"Just this," Fujiwara answered softy before taking a small futuristic pistol out of his pocket. The girls watched in complete surprise as he pressed the barrel against Tsuruya's prominent forehead. The color drained from the cheese-lover's face in a second.

"What a-a-a-are you d-doing?" stuttered Tsuruya in a dead-on Mikuru impersonation.

"Oh, this? Well, since our torture methods have proved ineffective on you and your group, I'm left with no choice, but to eliminate you. Does that sound about right?" smiled Fujiwara, who looked like he was explaining why the sky was blue to a five-year old.

"Fujiwara!" cried a stunned Sasaki. "I'll stoop to kidnapping, but I don't want to be convicted of murder!"

"Relax, Sasaki. They'll never find out it was us. After all, we're just the Anti-SOS brigade. We're far too incompetent to have committed a murder. The police will never suspect a thing. Kyouko, you bought those supplies I asked for, right?"

Kyouko gasped. "Is this what the hacksaws, empty bathtub, and buckets of acid are for?!"

Fujiwara grinned. "Yup."

Tsuruya wanted to move, but the gun was still trained on her. "Please don't shoot me! My family's got lots of cash! They'll give ya whatever ya want! Just don't shoot me or Imouto!"

"Hey!" cried Ryoko and Emiri in unison, a little hurt at not being included in Tsuruya's plea. Imouto just shook like a leaf.

"Sorry, sweetheart," sneered Fujiwara. "But you've got nothing I want. Well, it was nice knowing you SMT Brigade. See ya!"

Tsuruya squeezed her eyes shut as Fujiwara pulled the trigger...

And something wet sprayed her forehead.

"What the fuck?!"

Everyone looked on as water leaked out of the time-traveler's gun. He pointed into the air and hit the trigger, only to see a small jet of water shoot out. Everyone sweatdropped.

"A squirt-gun?" said Imouto.

"No! NOT a squirt-gun!" growled Fujiwara as he tilted the gun towards the ground to pour out the water. "My freaking ice-bullets just melted."

"Ice-bullets?" asked Sasaki.

"It's a specially designed gun made for assassination attempts. It shoots out high-caliber bullets made out of water with a special chemical in them. It keeps them from shattering like normal ice after they hit the target. Then the bullet melts so it can't be traced back to the gunmen," explained Fujiwara.

Silence.

"Did your group rip off that movie, "A Sound of Thunder"?"

"NO!"

"Just asking..."

"How did they melt?" asked Kyuoko.

"My best guess is that your freezer was incapable of keeping the bullets at the optimum temperature," Fujiwara mused.

"Whoa! Back it up! You kept bullets in my freezer?!" yelled a shocked Kyouko. "That's where I keep my Rocky Road!"

"_____Now_____what do___ we do?_______" asked Kuyou, who'd been silent the whole time. The villains had obviously not planned this far ahead. The Comfy Chair should have worked like a charm. Tsuruya was now laughing loudly, despite how closely she'd come to getting shot.

"Ha ha ha! Looks like your plot has been foiled! No one can ever defeat the SM Brigade!" announced Tsuruya, once again forgetting to include the T in the group's name like in their introduction to Haruhi. From their spot, Ryoko, Emiri, and Imouto joined their leader in an incredibly goofy pose. They waited to see the reactions of their captors.

Sasaki looked a bit weirded out. Her friends, however, had different reactions. Fujiwara grinned creepily and Kyouko had an opened-mouth smile on her face. Kuyou had no facial expression, but her eyes sparkled in the darkness and her hair rippled like water.

"Did you say SM? Because if you did, I'm totally into that..." Fujiwara spoke with a perverse leer.

"Yeah! I can dig that! I've got this little corset under my bed that would just fabulous on you, Ryoko!"cheered Kyouko, while rubbing her hands together eagerly.

"____Who likes____to be_________spanked?"____" whispered Kuyou, a hungry look in her eyes.

The SMT Brigade stopped their pose and became very still. It was then that Tsuruya realized the true meaning behind the mix-up.

"T! T! T! I meant to say T! We are the SMT Brigade! It means "Stirring up the world Megas much is Tsuruya's brigade's objective"! THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS!!!" Tsuruya yelped in fear for her safety.

"Oh," said the time-traveler, esper, and alien with tinges of disappointment.

Silence.

"What's wrong?" asked Imouto. "What's wrong with liking SM?"

Nobody answered her.

"Well, now what?" asked Sasaki, now quite sure that she would never be able to look her three friends in the eyes ever again.

"Uh.... Oh! We could go interrogate the our other prisoner! That could give us something to do," suggested Kyouko.

"Yeah!" said Sasaki perking up. "Let's question the other person who dared to cross us!"

"Can we go yet?" asked Emiri. "We promise not to steal your thunder if you let us go."

"________We'll see,________" muttered Kuyou. The SMT Brigade watched as the Anti-SOS Brigade made their way to a dark corner of the room Somebody was hanging from the wall in chains. Sasaki turned on a lamp and the person was revealed. Tsuruya, Ryoko, Emiri, and Imouto gasped.

"Well," smiled Sasaki, "You thought you could just waltz right in and steal our character development, did you? Well, you didn't expect one thing, missy. You didn't expect the Anti-SOS Brigade! What do you have to say to that, Little Miss Slider?"

"For the last freaking time..." snapped Kyonko, "I AM NOT THE SLIDER!!!"

"Sure you aren't..." said Sasaki, rolling her eyes and electing giggles from her companions.

Kyonko sighed.

This was the worst birthday ever.

* * *

**A/N: Nobody expects the Anti-SOS Brigade. Not even Chuck Norris.**

**In case anyone is confused about the SM joke, it means Sadomasochism. I shouldn't even have to say anything else. And the Kyonko thing comes from the fact that I once read that fans theorize that she or Kyon is the slider. I just couldn't resist a jab at that.**

**COMING THIS WEEK: A birthday present for Akai! Contains special guest appearances by Naru and Oruki from JonBob0008's fanfiction, "Meet the Suzumiyas"! Yes, I got permission from him to use them. What's going to happen? Even I don't know!**

**And if it's not your birthday, read it anyway**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	43. Meet the Abridged

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Happy birthday, Akai! Don't know if you'll enjoy this, but take it anyway. No refunds! **

**First things first, credit goes to ****JonBob0008 for letting me borrow his OCs from his story "Meet the Suzumiyas". It's Oruki and Naru everyone!**

**Now someone asked for some Yu-Gi-Oh references awhile back and I got this idea sometime ago, but thought it was too insane. Well, when it comes to crack, there's no such thing as too much insanity! So, here's the deal, the main cast of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya are going to.........**

**Reenact the first episode of Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series.**

**Yeah, you read that right. **

**I'm sure everybody has at least some knowledge of the jokes and plotline so I won't go into explanation. For your convenience, here is a list of who's playing who:**

**Kyon- Yugi**

**Haruhi- Joey**

**Mikuru- ****Téa**

**Itsuki- Tristan**

**Yuki- The Pharaoh**

**Tsuruya- Kaiba**

**Oruki- Yugi's grandfather**

**And Naru is just Naru.**

**Includes cameos by other characters. **

**Some of the characters say lines that another character would normally say, but it was done for the sake of plot. Well, enjoy!**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya: The Abridged Series:**

_**The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya was filmed in front of a live studio audience.**_

"Hey, Haruhi! EARTH TO HARUHI! Hey, are you in there? It's your move."

"Oh? Sorry, Kyon. Acting like an eccentric, self-absorbed, stubborn bitch makes it difficult to concentrate on card games."

The two conversing were Kyon and Haruhi. The two friends were spending their lunchtime in their classroom for once and playing a game of Duel Monsters. Mikuru and Itsuki stood nearby watching with interest. And for some reason, a necklace shaped like an upside-down pyramid was hanging from Kyon's neck.

"I know what you mean, Miss Suzumiya," smiled Itsuki, placing a hand on Haruhi shoulder. "Acting this flamboyant and camp is quite a strain on my nerves. I'm considering getting a personality switch!"

"Koizumi..."

"Yes, Miss Suzumiya?"

"Touch me again and I'll kill you."

Itsuki stepped FAR away from, still wearing that goofy smile on his face.

"Say, Kyon..." brought up Haruhi, "Could you please explain it to me again?"

"Again?" said Kyon." You mean about Duel Monsters?"

"No. I meant the other thing."

"What other thing?"

"The one about me being God."

"Oh. THAT thing. What's so hard to get? It makes perfect sense. Right Nagato?"

"Yes, indeed it does," said a soft voice.

The response had come from Yuki, who was standing right next to Kyon. The odd thing about the alien was that her entire body appeared to be transparent like a phantom. Kyon then proceeded to retell his story to Haruhi. After three minutes had passed, Haruhi scratched her chin.

"So, let me get this straight... I'm God, Koizumi is an esper, Mikuru is a time-traveler, and Yuki is an alien, and you're John Smith?"

"Yes."

"Cool. And Asakura was also an alien that wanted to kill you in order to get a reaction from me?"

"Yes."

"But Yuki stopped her, but in the fight that followed, Yuki was so badly injured that she couldn't maintain a physical form anymore and she now has to reside in your body using that weird puzzle that your parents bought from Egypt that you just HAPPENED to have at that EXACT moment?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"And only we can see her?"

"Yes."

"I see."

"..."

"..."

"HOORAY FOR PLOT-CONTRIVED CONVENIENCES!" everyone happily shouted at the table.

And that's when the reader smashed his or her head against the monitor in exasperation at such a poorly-scripted copout.

"Anyways," said Haruhi, jumping back to the conversation at hand, "My dad has a super-rare card at his card shop. I'll show it to you all afterschool!"

"Sure," said Kyon.

"Interesting..." said Yuki.

"That sounds fun!" said Mikuru.

"Groovy!" said Itsuki.

What our loveable and attractive protagonists didn't realize was that their conversation was being eavesdropped on. The eavesdropper sat a few seats away, staring intently at a book, but listening nonetheless. An evil plan began to formulate inside her skull, kept away from prying eyes behind her large forehead and forest-green hair. Her yellow eyes gleamed with anticipation.

_Rare card, nyoro? That sounds vague enough to be the Blue-Eyes White Dragon... And since I'm a child billionaire in charge of a huge gaming company, I obviously have nothing better to do than to go check it out. That card shall soon belong to me! Mwahahahahahahaha... _monologued the villainess, while wearing a fanged smile.

"Tsuruya? What are you doing here? This isn't even your class."

Tsuruya (oh please, as if you couldn't tell from the description) shrieked in surprise at Kyon's question.

_How did he know I was listening? I was being mega inconspicuous! _thought Tsuruya. What the fanged-heiress had failed to account for was the fact that she was currently leaning towards Kyon's group in her chair and doing a poor job at fake reading- her eyes kept darting back and forth between them and the book making it quite obvious she wasn't paying any attention to her reading material. Well, that and the fact that the book was upside-down. Only one thing to do now...

"RUNNING AWAY, NYOROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" shouted Tsuruya as she tore out of the classroom like a humming bird on cocaine.

"Why are all my friends freaks?" sighed Mikuru.

***

**Afterschool**

***

"So what this rare card your father owns, Miss Suzumiya?" asked Itsuki as they walked towards the shop. Yuki hovered alongside them.

"I don't know. BUT I do know that it's really, really, really rare! It isn't even sold in any normal stores!" bragged Haruhi.

"Hey, Haruhi. I've been meaning to ask you something..." said Kyon.

"Huh? What is it?"

"Have your parents owned a card shop their whole lives?"

"Yup! They sure have! Ever since I was little! We run it out of our own house!"

"Are you sure? Because I distinctly remember-"

"No, Kyon. You must have heard wrong. My family has ALWAYS owned a card shop. Always."

"But I remember your dad once telling me-"

"Nope. Always."

"But-"

"Always."

".................."

Soon, the fivesome reached the shop. Haruhi opened the door to the small building and entered first into a small lobby filled with cases containing cards. Her friends followed suit.

"Hi, dad! Hi, mom!" shouted Haruhi. A young woman with long brown hair appeared from the back room, holding a cardboard box in her hands. Upon seeing Haruhi, she set the box down and gave her child a hug.

"Welcome home, honey!" greeted Haruhi's mother, Naru. "How was school?"

"Boring as usual," answered Haruhi. "Hey, where's dad? I wanted to know if-"

"Over here!" called a gruff voice from behind the counter. The voice belonged to Haruhi's father, Oruki. He was sitting on a stool and polishing a card with a cloth. He was a tough-looking fellow with short black hair and looked surprisingly young. For some absurd reason, Oruki was wearing an orange bandanna in his hair.

"Uh... Dad why are you wearing a bandanna on your head?" asked Haruhi.

"It's to keep the sweat out of my eyes," replied Oruki.

"But, you said you hated bandannas,"

"People change, Haruhi. Now what did you and your friends need?"

Haruhi suddenly remembered the reason for their coming here. "Oh, yeah! Can I show my friends your super-rare-awesome-chocolaty-fudged- coated-mega-super-card?"

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmm... What the heck. I don't see any harm. But if you break it, you buy it," warned Oruki as he reached under the counter and brought up a card. It had a picture of a fierce dragon upon it.

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh!" Itsuki, Mikuru, and Yuki said in unison.

"There you are kids. The Blue-Eyes White Dragon!" explained Oruki.

Kyon rolled his eyes. "That is the least threatening name for a monster I've ever heard."

"Ah, what do you know, you weakling with the Julius Ceasar-esque haircut! This card is worth more money than your whole existence!" Oruki snarled, shaking a fist at Kyon. How dare this brat mock his super-rare-awesome-chocolaty-fudged- coated-mega-super-card!

Kyon frowned at the father of his Brigade chief. "Oh, come on. What kind of mentally-challenged, idiotic, gullible moron would actually consider buying-"

"I'M HERE TO BUYS THAT CARD!!!" shouted a jubilant voice. A storm of green, white, and blue burst through the door and landed in front of the counter. Everyone stared at the newcomer with a mix of curiosity and surprise.

"Tsuruya?" said Mikuru. "Did you follow us all the way here?"

"I sure did, Mikuru!" Tsuruya said with vigor. "Now give me the card!"

"Aren't you that loud girl who's always talking?" asked Oruki, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

"I sure am! Now gives me the Blue-Eyes White Dragon! I'll pays whatever it takes to have it, old man! And I won't take no for an answer! NOW GIMME! GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME!!!"

"No."

"CURSES!!! FOILED AGAIN!!!"

Everyone watched as Tsuruya angrily stomped towards the shop's entrance. Then she turned around and glared at them all.

"I'm going to go hire some thugs to kidnap your father, Haruhi! I'm a billionaire so no one will ever think about pressing charges!"

Then she laughed maniacally and ran out the door that Naru opened up for her. Haruhi's mother waved happily at the green-haired girl as she ran away.

"What a nice young woman," remarked Naru with a joyful smile.

Oruki huffed. "That Tsuruya kid needs to get laid."

"Big time!" agreed Itsuki.

For once, Oruki and Mr. Smiles saw eye to eye on something.

***

**2 Hours Later...**

***

Kyon, Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki had gone back to their retrospective homes. Haruhi had gone upstairs to plan out tomorrow's club activities. Downstairs, Naru was dusting the card shelves and Oruki was counting the money in the register. Done with his task, Oruki looked up to make sure his wife's back was turned, and then took out a card that was locked up in a secret compartment under the counter. It depicted a humanoid monster dressed in black amour with a sword. Oruki gazed upon the card with a dreamy look on his face.

"Oh, Black Luster Soldier," he purred, "No one must ever know about our forbidden romance..."

Suddenly, a limo pulled up to the shop and two burly men in suits come out. They entered the shop and confronted Oruki.

"Miss Tsuruya requests some of your time, sir," said Faceless Mook Number One.

"Oh? And want if I don't want to go?" inquired Oruki, knowing that he could easily wipe the floor with the two thugs.

Faceless Mook Number Two pointed his right index finger at Naru's back. "Come with us or we'll shoot your wife with our invisible guns!"

"That doesn't make any sense..." facepalmed the card shop owner. The two goons attempted to subdue Oruki, but he ended up kicking their asses easily. However, Oruki was soon overwhelmed when Faceless Mooks Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen entered the shop. They dragged him outside, kicking and screaming.

"HELP NARU! I'M BEING ABDUCTED BY FACELESS MOOKS!!!" screamed the Oruki as he was placed into the limo and driven off.

"Mmmm. That's nice, dear," murmured Naru, completely oblivious to the events that just transpired. Done with her housework, Naru started to head into the kitchen to start dinner when something caught her eye. It was the card Oruki had been fawning over earlier. She picked it up and observed it for a bit. Then she let out a deep sigh.

"How does he keep getting this back?" Naru said to herself before throwing the card in the trash.

***

**30 minutes later...**

***

_Ring ring ring! _went Haruhi's telephone. The ribbon-adorned ball of energy bounced down the stairs and grabbed the phone.

"Hello! Card shop!' answered Haruhi.

"Nyoro, nyoro,nyoro..." chuckled a mysterious voice on the other end.

"Who is this?" asked Haruhi, raising an eyebrow.

"It's me, Haruhi! I kidnapped your dad and dueled him into submission! ...So, could you call an ambulance and pick him up? I have far too much money and smoked-cheese to handle such trivial manners such as this myself. Laters!"

Then Tsuruya hung up.

Haruhi stared at the phone for a few seconds before saying one word.

"Sasaki?"

***

**5 minutes later...**

***

Haruhi had gotten together the whole gang and rushed with them to the large building that Tsuruya's family owned. The SOS brigade dashed into the mouth of the hulking monolith and looked around the lobby. Then Haruhi screamed in terror.

"DAD!"

Lying face down of the floor of the lobby was Oruki. A few feet behind him stood Tsuruya. She was grinning evilly and holding something in her left hand. Haruhi and the gang rushed over.

"Dad!" sobbed Haruhi as she cradled her father. "Has playing a children's card game caused you to become seriously injured?"

"HELL, NO!" shouted Oruki looking his daughter in the eyes. "I was actually winning the duel! Then right towards the end, that little green-haired bitch bicycle-kicked me in the solar plexus!"

"I once fought a bear!" Tsuruya yelled for no apparent reason.

"Geez, Tsuruya!" said a shocked Mikuru."Ever since you turned evil, you've become a giant douche!"

"Enough with the compliments, Mikuru!" Tsuruya smirked. "Now... WATCH THIS!!!"

Tsuruya held up the object in her hand- it was the Blue-Eyes White Dragon card! Snickering, Tsuruya grabbed both ends and tore it in half! ...Well, tried to. She tried again, but the card held firm. Growling, Tsuruya stated ripping at the card from all angles, scratched at it, and even tried shredding it with her fang. Nothing.

"Aww, phooey!" snarled Tsuruya, snatching some scissors from a nearby desk and cutting the card in half. Everyone gasped. Oruki desperately fought the urge to not commit murder on a minor.

"DAD'S SPECIAL-SUPER-RARE-AWESOME-SUPER CARD!!!" cried Haruhi, tears in her eyes.

"What the heck did you do that for!?" snapped Kyon.

Tsuruya gave them a snakey smile. "So, that it could never be used against me!"

Kyon facepalmed. "In that case, why not tear up every card in the world?!"

"Shut up and duel me!" Tsuruya commanded. Kyon gulped. Looks like he had no choice now!

"Don't worry, Oruki," said Kyon as he knelt down next to the injured man. "I'll use your deck to defeat Tsuruya and avenge your honor!"

Oruki blinked several times and then frowned. "Wait. Wait a minute. You're just going to steal my deck and leave me here on the floor with my daughter crying her heart out while you go off and play cards with your arch-rival?"

".............................Pretty much."

"No wonder your parents made you stay in my house that one time!"

"...I stayed at your house?"

"Yes!"

"When did that happen?"

"..........I don't know, but it happened!"

Kyon snatched the cards and was about to follow Tsuruya when Mikuru spoke up.

"Everyone! While we take Miss Suzumiya's father to the hospital, we should make sure Kyon has our support!" she announced.

"And how do we do that?" asked Itsuki.

Smiling, Mikuru took a black marker out of her skirt pocket. "With this! Everyone gather around and I'll mark a symbol of our friendship on our hands!"

Kyon, Itsuki, and Haruhi placed their hands together and allowed Mikuru to draw a shape on them (Yuki was left out due to her being ethereal). It took about ten seconds, but when it was done Mikuru began to admire her work.

"Done! Isn't it great?" Mikuru asked her friends.

"Uhhhh... Mikuru?" said Haruhi.

"Yes, Miss Suzumiya?"

"Why does your symbol of friendship bear a striking resemblance to the Awesome Smiley?"

"I-It does not!"

"Okay... Second of all, did you use a permanent marker?"

"........Nooooooooooooooo..."

"MIKURU!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

"Hey, Miss Asahina? Why were you carrying a Permanent marker around to begin with?" asked Kyon.

"I'm a closet kleptomaniac!" Mikuru said sweetly.

"Hey!" shouted Itsuki. "My wallet is missing!"

All eyes went to the time-traveler who started looking around hastily.

"Er... uh... um... TSURUYA TOOK IT!" accused Mikuru.

"You little tramp!" roared the falsely-accused girl. She ran into the room behind her with Kyon and Yuki trailing after her. Itsuki took out his cell phone and began to dial 911. Suddenly, Haruhi stood up from the floor.

"I'm going to go support Kyon! Mikuru! Koizumi! Watch my dad!" shouted Haruhi as she ran after her friends. Oruki watched as his daughter disappeared from sight and sighed. How could this day get any worse?

"Don't worry, Mr. Suzumiya," said Itsuki, invading Oruki's personal space bubble. "I shall remain at your side until the ambulance arrives!"

Oruki sneered. "Peachy."

***

"So, Kyon... Ready to lose?" grinned Tsuruya as they entered a room that looked like a coliseum. There a huge dueling stadium in the center.

"No way! You're going down, cheese-breath!" barked Kyon. But before he could take another step towards Tsuruya, he froze in tracks. Because Kyon just had himself a startling revelation.

HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY DUEL MONSTERS!!!

...

Now, dear reader, you might be asking yourself, 'Well, if Kyon doesn't know how to play Duel Monsters then how come he was playing against Haruhi at the beginning of the story? Explain that!'. Well, Kyon was actually playing his very FIRST game of Duel Monsters with Haruhi so they could both learn the rules. Yuki was giving them pointers the entire time. So, technically, Kyon's big Get-Revenge-On-Tsuruya-For-Ripping-Up-Oruki's-Card plan was in the crapper.

Cue falling from your chair.

"Wow. This was a poorly thought up plan. I REALLY should have planned this through," Kyon said to himself.

"What's wrong?" asked Tsuruya.

"I don't know how to play Duel Monsters," Kyon replied flatly.

Tsuruya's face fell... and then she started laughing. "Ha ha ha ha! And they say I'm slow! I guess this means I win by default!"

"Hold on, Kyon," whispered Yuki's voice into Kyon's ear. "I shall take on Tsuruya in your place. Plus, this gives me ample time to provide the audience with the much-needed Yuki Nagato screen time that they so desperately crave."

"Couldn't you just tell me what to do during the duel while staying invisible?" asked Kyon.

"No, Kyon. That would be cheating," explained Yuki.

"But you always cheat during the games we play!"

"..................................Shut up and switch with me."

"Yes, your Hotness."

Tsuruya was confused as to why Kyon was arguing with the air when he suddenly placed both hands on the weird puzzle-thing on his neck. Than it glowed brightly and Kyon shouted out...

"_**NAGATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!**_"

One bright flash of light later, and Kyon was gone. And standing in his place was Yuki. She gave Tsuruya her best menacing stare (her default one) and crossed her arms.

"It's time to duel," she said dully.

She expected Tsuruya to start trash-talking to her or something, but instead Tsuruya stared at Yuki with a horrified expression and a gaping mouth. Her eyes were as large as an elephant's ears and her skin seemed to have paled.

"Is something wrong?" asked Yuki innocently.

"Is something wrong...? WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!?! YOU JUST RANDOMLY HAD A SEX CHANGE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?! ARE YOU KYON OR YUKI?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD FOR TWO MONTHS!!! AND NOW WHERE IS KYON?!?! I WAS SUPPOSED TO DUEL HIM!!!" screeched Tsuruya.

"Allow me to explain everything, Tsuruya," said Yuki. "You see..."

***

**2 Minutes Later...**

***

"And that's how it happened. Understand?" asked Yuki.

Tsuruya cocked her head to the side, scratched her chin, nodded thoughtfully and said, "NO!!! THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE WHATSOEVER, NYORO!!! KYON TECHINCALLY GREW TITS AND A VAGINA!!! THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!"

"Tsuruya..." Yuki said slowly, "Your family owns a multi-billion dollar game company that sponsors a group of espers who's job is to monitor the emotions of a Japanese high school girl, who is also a god, the key to auto-evolution, and a time rift, in order to make sure she doesn't get bored and destroy the world. And you're best friend is a time-traveler. Tell me, does any of that make any sense?"

".....................................................Huh," said Tsuruya, "I guess you're right, Yuki. Nothing in this damn show makes any sense at all."

"I should know," said Haruhi, who'd been leaning against a wall and listening to the whole conversation, "I'm into weird stuff, but even this shit is crazy. I found out I was God a few weeks ago, and my parents still won't let me stay out past curfew. I could blow up the freaking sun if I wanted to!"

"Anyways..." cut in Yuki, "Like I said... _**IT'S TIME TO DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEL!!!!!!**_"

Silence.

"How cool was that?" asked Yuki after that spasm of OOCness.

Tsuruya waved a hand through the air. "Ehhh, hit n' miss."

And so Tsuruya and Yuki's epic duel got under way...

"Well, Yuki? What do you think of my holographic duel stadium? It recreates the monsters from the cards to enrich the experience of a children's card game! Isn't it mega awesome?" boasted Tsuruya.

Yuki took a page out of Kyon's book and facepalmed. "Okay. Seriously, you've got to be fucking kidding me. What kind of idiot would waste all that money on something as trivial as a children's card game?"

"The idiot who's going to kick your pasty bookworm ass with three Blue-Eyes White Dragons!" grinned Tsuruya as she summoned the gargantuan beasts to the field. Yuki tilted her head to the side. Something seemed very familiar here. Kyon felt it too.

"Wait a moment," said Yuki, "Did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?"

"Yeah, so?" questioned Tsuruya.

"That's against the rules isn't it?" asked Yuki.

Tsuruya grinned deviously. Finally, after all this waiting she could say her famous catchphrase. Now it was her time to shine! She cleared her throat, put on her best evil face, and said...

"Screw the-"

"No."

"What?"

"You're not going to say it."

"WHAAAT?!"

Yuki glared over at Tsuruya. "You've already made that joke in a previous chapter. I will not sit idly by while you recycle a joke that everybody has already read. Now let's continue with the duel."

"..." said Tsuruya as she twiddled her fingers.

Yuki nodded. "Good. Now I will make my-"

"Screw the rules I have money AND green hair! Ha ha ha ha!" cackled Tsuruya as she flipped off Yuki.

"Damn you, Tsuruya!" cried Yuki, shaking a fist at the girl with the prominent forehead.

"Heh heh heh... You can't let a good catchphrase die! Now draw your last pathetic card so I can end this duel! I got this cheese block I want to eat!" jeered Tsuruya.

"Oruki's deck has no pathetic cards, Tsuruya. .......Except for maybe Kuriboh. But... it does have the mighty Exodia!" shouted Yuki as she played the five cards needed to summon forth the golem-like monster. Exodia materialized on the field and growled deeply.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Exodia! No one's ever been able to call him!" shrieked Tsuruya.

Yuki raised a lavender eyebrow at this."Why? Is it because it's incredibly difficult?"

"No. Because like our show, this game doesn't make any freaking sense. Nobody can ever figure it out!" Tsuruya replied with an annoyed look.

"Except for me."

"Why's that? Is it because of that 'Heart of the Cards' crap you've been yakking about while we've been playing?"

"Hell, no. That's a bunch of bull. I've been using data manipulation to get the cards I needed for this whole match."

"YOU CHEATER!!!"

"Yeah, that hurts my feelings. Now back to what I was saying...... EXODIA! OBLITERATE!!!"

Tsuruya watched in horror as her three dragons were wiped off the light by an intense golden light. She fell to her knees in defeat. Her life points dropped all the way to zero.

"All right! Yuki won!" cheered Haruhi.

"Big sister!" squeaked a tiny voice. A small figure ran over to Tsuruya's side of the field. It was a girl with green hair and a school uniform that looked just like Tsuruya only midget-sized.

"Big sister!" shouted a worried Churuya. "........Is it time for my cameo yet?"

"No!" everyone in the room shouted.

"Nyoro~n."

"How did this happens?" Tsuruya asked herself as she shakily rose to her feet. "I never lose... I should've kicked you where the sun don't shine when I had the chance!"

Yuki narrowed her eyes. "Hmmmmmmm. I sense a dark force inhabiting your body. I should remove as delicately as possible. Hey, Tsuruya?"

"Yeah? What do you want?" asked the former Duel Monsters champion.

"TALK TO THE HAND!!!" shouted Yuki as a shockwave ripped out of her hand and smacked into Tsuruya.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! REMEMBER ME AS LOLFANG-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN, NYORO!!!" Tsuruya screamed in pure agony. Then the wave stopped as quickly as it came. Tsuruya blinked a few times and gave herself a once-over.

"Hey! The voices are gone! I feel megas great!"

And then she collapsed to the ground in a heap with Chrurya trying desperately to revive her.

"Is she gonna be all right, Nagato?" asked Kyon as he and Yuki switched bodies. Haruhi came up to them and started walking alongside them.

"Yes. Tsuruya will be fine. A nap and some apple juice will clear her all up," answered the ghostly Humanoid Interface.

"You were great Yuki!" congratulated Haruhi. "My dad has been avenged!"

"I bet he'll be proud of me!" smiled Kyon. Haruhi gave him a confused look.

"What? No way! My dad would kick your ass if he found out you had a girl fight your battle for you!"

"WHAT? Come on, Haruhi tell your dad I did all the fighting! Maybe he'll actually like me if you do!"

"Nope!"

"Dammit, Haruhi! You suck as a best friend! I bet Nagato would vouch for me if she could! Right, Nagato?"

"..............."

"Nagato?"

"I did do all of the work..."

"NAGATO!!!"

***

**At the hospital...**

***

Oruki jolted upright in his hospital bed with an alarmed look on his face. Naru, who had been sitting nearby, rushed over to her husband's side.

"Oh, Oruki! You're awake! Did you sense that Kyon won his duel against that Tsuruya girl and avenged your card getting cut up?" Naru excitedly asked her husband.

Oruki gave his wife a confused look and said, "No... How the hell would I possibly know a thing like that? I'm not a mind-reader, Naru!"

"Then why did you get up just now?" asked Naru.

"I... er... think I wet myself..." Oruki admitted in embarrassment.

"......................................................................Oh," said Naru after an uncomfortably long pause. Oruki watched as the mother of his child went back to the chair she'd been sitting in and resumed reading the Penthouse magazine she'd been reading for half an hour.

"Hee hee... As if that could happen!" chuckled Naru as she flipped to the next page.

Oruki sighed.

No wonder his daughter was such a pervert.

***

**Meanwhile in a Castle on an Island in the Middle Sea of Japan...**

***

Two people strolled through the castle halls and found themselves in front a fancy door. The first person was a girl with long green hair and who wore an outfit that looked like a straightjacket. The second was a boy with short brown hair clad in a black, white, skintight bodysuit. Both them looked at each other before opening the door. The room inside was pitch black except for a figure sitting in a chair illuminated by a spotlight. The girl approached the sitting figure.

"Sir, the reigning Duel Monsters champion ,Miss Tsuruya, of Japan has been defeated," said the girl.

The figure in the chair spun around. It was a young man with black hair and violet eyes. He wore a long cape and clutched a wine glass containing fruit punch. He grinned wickedly.

"Excellent news, C.C.!" smiled Lelouch Lamperouge. "Any other business you need to tell me?"

C.C. shifted uncomfortably. "It's also............ time for your sponge-bath..."

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!" hummed Lelouch happily.

C.C. walked forwards, but Lelouch held up a hand to stop her advance.

"No, C.C.. I won't be needing you for this task..." he said eerily before pointing at the brown-haired boy. "Send in Suzaku!"

And that's when poor Suzaku Kururugi, the Knight of Zero, began to weep hysterically.

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**A/N: Yes, people, Churuya was Mokuba. And I threw in a Code Geass crossover just for the hell of it. Lelouch makes a surprisingly effective Pegasus. Should I do another episode in the future? I might. :)**

**Thanks again for letting me use Oruki and Naru, ****JonBob0008!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	44. Those Crazy Old Espers

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I've neglected Itsuki's esper friends so here's some shorts dedicated to them! The first one was inspired by some fanart and a scene in the Subspace Emissary of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I also threw in an anime reference to a particular creepy show I like. Enjoy!**

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**Arakawa- Butler of Fortune:**

"**RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! THE BASE HAS BEEN BREACHED**" screamed the alarm.

The headquarters of the Agency had been struck with a surprise attack. The assault was being carried out by none other than the supernatural members of the Anti-SOS Brigade. A smoking hole in the wall marked where they had made their entrance.

Fujiwara rushed down the empty hallway covered in body armor and carrying several weapons such as an assault rifle, grenades, a handgun, knives, and a few poison darts, and a time-bomb. Flying behind him was Kyouko covered in blue energy sphere. Thanks to some upgrades from the Sky Canopy Dominion, Kuyou had given enough power to let Kyouko use her esper powers outside of Closed Space. Speaking of which, Kuyou was bringing up the rear, hair whipping behind her as she sprinted with her companions.

The trio turned a corner, ready to mow down any resistance if they met any, but went undisturbed. As they advanced the hall to find their destination to plant the bomb, Kuyou stopped suddenly. Something had caught her eye.

"C'mon, Kuyou! We're on a schedule here!" called Kyouko, wondering why Kuyou was moving away from them. That's when Kyouko noticed the objected that had caught Kuyou's attention. She tapped Fujiwara on the shoulder.

"What is it?" the time-traveler asked, wanting to get out of here as quickly as possible. Then Kyouko pointed at what Kuyou was looking at. Curious, Fujiwara followed Kuyou, Kyouko hovering beside him. The little alien stared at the object intensely.

It was an upside-down cardboard box.

Fujiwara snorted. "It's just a box. Nothing to get excited ov-"

And that's when Kuyou gripped the box with her hands and lifted it off the ground. Fujiwara and Kyouko gaped at its contents.

Sitting on the floor, wearing camo gear and a green headband, knees pulled up to his chest was Arakawa. His cover blown, Arakawa raised his up to look at his three adversaries. Suddenly, a giant orange exclamation point appeared over his head with a jarring chord. Then he stood up and ran down the hall they had just come through.

"Quickly, Octacon! Send me reinforcements!" the elderly man screamed into a walkie-talkie as he vanished around the corner. The Anti-SOS Brigade stood in complete silence for a bit before Kuyou spoke up.

"____Mission failed,____"

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**A Promotion:**

"Ah, there you are, Mori!" said a happy Keiichi Tamaru. Behind him was Yutaka, his supposedly younger brother. The two of them had come up to Sonou Mori who sitting at her desk and filing away reports dealing with Haruhi.

"Hello, Keiichi. Hello, Yutaka. What brings you here to my office?" asked the esper-maid.

"Haven't you heard, Mori?" Yutaka said excitedly. "You've been promoted! Your ranking has gone up!"

Mori was surprised. She was pretty high on the Agency totem pole as it was, so she didn't think her rank could go any higher. Her superiors must have been feeling generous.

"That's wonderful! So what am I being promoted to? Am I now part of the inner circle or something?" asked Mori.

"Here's the thing, Mori! YOU get choose your new title!" Keiichi grinned.

The maid was confused. "Pick my title?"

Yutaka nodded vigorously. "Exactly! With all the recent pairings and fan art featuring you, we need to find out if you're either a cougar or a MILF! So, have any kids you haven't told us about, Mori?"

Mori stared at Keiichi and Yutaka for a few minutes.

Then she leaped over desk and kicked them both in the kidneys.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**Keiichi's Troubled Past:**

Keiichi was in the kitchen of the island villa putting away some dishes. Everything was going according to plan. The murder mystery to keep Haruhi and her Brigade entertained was going to occur later. Hopefully, everything would go along smoothly. Suddenly, Keiichi was interrupted from his private thoughts by the sound of the kitchen door opening. He turned around.

"Ah, Mori! Arakawa! What brings you here?" asked Keiichi.

"We just wanted to know if you are prepared for tonight's agenda," stated Arakawa.

"Don't worry about me!" assured Keiichi. "I can handle a little murder!"

"Ha ha. That's good to know," chuckled Mori. "We also came to inform you of some more help that our superiors sent. A new recruitment to our cause!"

"Oh. Well, where is this person?" the villa owner wondered.

Arakawa turned towards the door and opened it. "Here she is. Keiichi, meet our newest member of the Agency!"

Keiichi stared at the person standing in the doorway. His breath caught in his throat. His pupils dilated. His blood ran cold. The dish he was holding fell to the floor and shattered. Fear gripped his heart.

_No, no, no..._thought Keiichi, _She can't be here... She's dead... It's not possible... Unless the curse..._

Terrifying memories washed over him. Violent images and horrifying feelings. Keiichi stumbled back and screamed his lungs out.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! IT CAN'T BE YOU!!! YOU'RE DEAD!!! I WON'T LET YOU GET ME AGAIN!!! NOT AGAIN!!! NOT THE......... NEEDLES!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" shrieked Keiichi as he tore out of the kitchen's other exit and past Yutaka who was just coming in. The young man looked at the bewildered faces in the room.

"What's with him, Mori?" asked a baffled Yutaka.

"I don't know..." said a dazed Mori.

She turned back to their guest and said, "Would you please wait here? We'll come back after we figure out what's wrong with Keiichi. He's not normally like this."

"I understand," the girl whispered softly. Arakawa, Mori, and Yutaka filed out of the kitchen in search of Keiichi. As they left, Yutaka asked Arakawa a question.

"Who was that girl with the green hair?"

"Just our new member. She said she was from some village out in Japan. Hinami-something or other."

Meanwhile in the now empty kitchen, the green-haired girl looked at her surroundings. And then a lazy smile appeared on her face.

_Hee hee hee... I knew I'd find you again someday, Keiichi. You may have changed your appearance, but I knew that you would never forget me. Now I can complete my mission and avenge my beloved Satoshi... I actually hope one of your friends gets in my way... Then you can have some company..._

Still smiling, she went over to the counter, dug around a bit, and came up with a lovely knife. It's surface gleamed in the light. Her smile became a toothy grin. Her eyes became almost catlike.

_Game time, everyone..._

And then Shion Sonozaki burst into a fit of crazed, high-pitched, demonic giggles.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: I hope that island doesn't have any basements in it... 0_0**

**And in case anyone is wondering, Shion is from Higurashi no Naku Koro ni. It's technically TMOHS if the whole cast went psycho and stated killing each other with gardening implements. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	45. Oh, Nostalgia

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: In preparation for some later chapters I'm writing, I decided to write these two song parodies which took about five minutes to make. The first one is the SpongeBob Squarepants theme song and the second is the Darkwing Duck theme song. I loved that show as a kid. **

**Hooray for nostalgia! **

**_____________________________________________________________________________________ **

**Ryoko Squarepants:**

Are you ready, kids?

Aye-aye Itsuki!

I can't hear you!

AYE-AYE ITSUKI!!!

Ooooooooooooooooh,

Who lives in Japan with Nagato Yuki?

Ryoko Asakura!

Friendly and blue and psychotic is she!

Ryoko Asakura!

If death from a stab wound is something you wish,

Ryoko Asakura!

Then insult her eyebrows and sleep with the fish!

Ryoko Asakura!

Ryoko Asakura!

Ryoko Asakura!

Ryoko Asakura!

Ryoko Asakura!

Ryokooooo Asakuraaaaa!

Ha ha ha ha ha! Magarre!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**Darkwing Haruhi:**

Genki girl of mystery,

Champion of Japan,

Swoops out of the shadows,

Haruhi is the man.

Somewhere a secret hides,

But its numbers up.

Haruhi!

When there's trouble you call the SOS

Haruhi!

Let's get more members!

Haruhi!

Haruhi Suzumiya!

In the clubroom she appears,

Master of telling lies.

Who's that cunning tsundere girl

With the golden eyes?

Nobody knows for sure,

Sasaki's pals are out of luck!

'Cause here comes

Haruhi!

Look out!

When there's trouble you call the SOS

Haruhi!

You better watch out, you bad boys!

Haruhi!

"I am the strawberry seed that gets caught in your teeth! I am the pebble that gets stuck in your shoe! I am the friendly neighborhood street gang who harasses the uptight bitch of evil! I AM HARUHI SUZUMIYA!!!"

"Haruhi, will you take off that cape and wide-brimmed hat? You look like a fucking moron!"

"Shut up, Kyon!"

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**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	46. I Was Just Passing By

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Remember in Haruhi-chan about how Mori and Tsuruya were bitter rivals? Well, I'm pretty sure that after besting old fang-face, Mori needs someone else to fill in the void for a potential rival. Now who else has green hair and has a job serving people?**

**Plus, this chapter gives me the opportunity to use Mori's "just passing through" catchphrase that Aster-Selene requested, use a much ignored character I like, and fulfill a request for my friend, aprilfool1993. His story "The AntiSOS Brigade's Crackfic Collection" is worth checking out! Enjoy.**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**The Rival:**

Emiri Kimidori had a problem.

A very serious problem at that. A problem that had been troubling her for five weeks now. A problem that was very unusual.

What was the problem you ask?

Emiri was being stalked.

Now this may not be incredibly strange as it may sound. Thousands of people find themselves being stalked every year. It's a serious subject since it could be very dangerous situation if not handled correctly. But what made Emiri's problem so strange was that her stalker wasn't after anything like sex, money, or information. Oh, no.

Emiri's stalker wanted to _fight _her.

As in physically pummel her.

Complicating manners was the fact that the stalker was a woman. And a maid. And an esper.

***

Emiri had been introduced to Sonou Mori a few months ago when the Integrated Data Entity requested the strengthen relations with Itsuki's organization. They talked about assignments, hobbies, interests, and generally liked each other. Emiri soon found out that one of Mori's trademark quirks was that she was a competitive person when faced with a challenge. So it was no surprise to her when she heard that Mori had developed a so-called 'friendly' rivalry with daughter of the Tsuruya household. In Emiri's opinion, when people have rivalries, they should compete to have fun and just have a good time.

Trying to kill each in Matrix-style combat to see who was a better maid was not the kind of contest that Emiri pictured.

Mori and Tsuruya's rivalry ended a few days after that (even though Tsuruya seemed to be training constantly for another encounter). After that, Mori seemed to be restless with no one to match her wits against. Emiri had found Mori lounging about the rec room the esper's hideout looking depressed. Wanting to cheer her up, she began to chat with the esper about what she did today, in hopes of trying to trying to get her mind off of rivalries. Eventually, Emiri mentioned that she worked as a waitress part-time.

Big mistake.

Mori's eyes lit up like Christmas lights and she grabbed Emiri's hands. Emiri didn't know what was going on until Mori opened her mouth and spoke.

"Kimidori! From now on, you're my new rival!"

".........Excuse me?"

"My new rival!" Mori gushed excitedly. "Oh, this will be just great! Just think about it! An esper up against a Humanoid Interface! A waitress versus a maid! Who will be the better? Who is inferior? Are we both equals? Ohhh, this is so exciting!"

"Umm, Mori? What on Earth are you talking about?" asked a befuddled Emiri.

"Don't you see?! This is just the thing I need to boost the excitement in my life! A rival! Someone who I can match my strength and wits against! Someone who will serve as an obstacle that will allow me to better myself and overcome anything life throws at me! So, what do you say, Kimidori? Want to see if an artificial humanoid can match the power of an esper? What do you say?" Mori excitedly asked.

Emiri thought about her response for a few minutes. She had to think this through. Finally, she had her answer.

"I'm sorry, but I'll have to decline your proposal."

"...What did you say?"

Emiri began to get off the chair she was sitting on and smiled at Mori. "Now don't get me wrong. I'm glad that you think well enough of me in order to consider me a rival .I'm sorry, but I don't see the need for me to compete against you. I have no ill will against you. Nor do I have the taste for combat if that's what you're insinuating."

Mori stared at Emiri for a bit before she slowly smiled. "Ah. I see. It's okay. You don't have to be afraid."

"Afraid?" said Emiri, hands on her hips.

"Yes, afraid," replied Mori, smiling sweetly all the while. "It's perfectly natural to feel uneasy when you're competing against someone who matches you in terms of power. Don't worry. I'll go easy on you if you want. We can spar later today. The first one to pin the other will be the victor! What do you think?"

Emiri frowned. "I don't think you understand. I'm not ducking out of anything. I just don't want to be your rival. There's nothing for me to gain. Goodbye, Mori. It was lovely seeing you today."

"Sounds like someone's making excuses..." Mori said craftily while still maintaining that angelic smile of hers. It amazed Emiri on how Mori could look friendly while still making a threat against you.

Nevertheless, Emiri left the Agency's base and went home. She thought her chat with Mori would be settled. Unfortunately, despite all her intelligence, Emiri didn't count on one thing: that an esper never gives up. Because where there's an esper will, there's an esper way, and Mori would see to it that Emiri would become her new lifelong foe.

***

The trouble quickly began the day after that. Emiri walked into her classroom and sat down at her desk. The teacher appeared to be running late for some reason so everyone began to talk to one another or copy homework. Five minutes later the teacher walked in, but closer inspection revealed that it was a substitute. Everyone got back to their seats for today's math lesson. Except for Emiri. Despite the glasses, ponytail, and gray pantsuit, the alien girl recognized their 'substitute' right away.

"Mori...?" said confused Emiri.

Mori looked at Emiri through the glasses she was wearing and smiled. "Oh, I'm just a substitute teacher passing by. I have no idea who this Mori person that you're speaking of is. And before I forget, here's a note for you."

Emiri took the scrap of paper from Mori's outstretched fingers and began to unfold it. Before she could even read it, her _real _substitute entered the room and asked who the woman in the glasses was. Shortly after that, Mori leaped out the window. As everyone rushed over to the windows to watch the esper dash away at the speed of a cheetah, Emiri read the note and grimaced.

_Meet me on the roof at lunch. We shall engage in both spiritual and physical combat. See you then. Love, Mori._

Needless to say, Emiri didn't show up.

***

The next encounter took place the next day. Emiri was in the park taking a stroll. She was just minding her business and watching the clouds float in the sky on a sunny afternoon. It was while she was looking at a dragonfly zipping about, that she bumped into someone.

"Oh, dear! I'm terribly sorry! I didn't see where I was going and-"

"It's quite all right. I'm just a shrine maiden passing by!"

"Mori?"

Standing in front of Emiri, rake in hand, and wearing a red hakama and a white haori was Mori. She beamed at Emiri while twirling a red ribbon in her hair.

"Are you following me?" Emiri asked with a hint of suspicion.

"Not at all!" replied Mori. "I was just raking up these leaves so that the shrine would look more presentable."

"Mori... We're in the middle of a public park. The nearest shrine is miles away."

"......I see. Well, then... I suggest that you and I go forth and seek out this shrine. They say praying before a battle brings about good luck! What do you say, Kimidori? ...Kimidori?"

But Emiri was already leaving the park and out of earshot.

***

This went on for quite awhile. Emiri had the patience of a saint, but this was just plain annoying.

By now, Mori had 'just been passing through' as a firefighter, a police officer, a pop idol, a bar maid, a bunny-girl, an astronaut, a NASCAR driver, a farmer, a chef, a flight attendant, a cafeteria worker, a baker, a skydiver, a deep-sea diver, a drug dealer, a gas station attendant, a Jedi, Master Chief from Halo, Larxene from Kingdom Hearts, Princess Daisy from Mario, and Ritsu from K-ON.

And every time, Emiri said no and her sanity died a little each time.

So it was no wonder that Emiri had become a tad paranoid about going outside. And when the light green-haired girl did go out, she often glanced over shoulder. But the oddest incident that recently occurred was at the cafe where she worked at. Mori hadn't shown up at her workplace at all since no name was given so Emiri found it to be a safe-haven from her attempts at picking a fight. She just finished handing a customer his chai tea when the next person in line came up.

"All right! What would you like to... " Emiri stopped speaking when she saw who it was.

"Let's see... I would like a- Oh! Hello, Kimidori!" the person said brightly, waving a fin at her.

"MORI?! Wh-Wh-What...? Wh-Wh-Why...? H-H-How...? HOW DID YOU FIND OUT WHERE I WORK?!?!"

"Mori? You must be mistaken. I am but a simple salmon passing by on my way to find a quiet spot upstream to spawn."

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DRESSED AS A FUCKING SALMON?!?!?! WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THE COSTUME?!?!"

***

**Somewhere in a Dank Locker Room...**

***

"Hey!" cried a pig-tailed girl. "Who stole our salmon costume?!"

"Someone actually took that thing?" grinned a boy with dirty blonde hair. "Thank, god! Now I won't have to wear that stupid outfit anymore! I wish I knew who swiped it so I could give them a thank you card!"

***

"And that's what has happened to me. I didn't know who else to turn to so I came here. Please, help me with my problem! Mori is driving me insane!" cried Emiri.

Across from the coffee table sat Ryoko Asakura. "Hmmmmmmmm... Have you considered directly confronting Mori on the subject?"

"What do you mean, Asakura?" asked Emiri from her seat in Ryoko's apartment.

The blue-haired class representative grinned. "What I mean is that you say yes to her demands and agree to meet her in a classroom afterschool. And with no one around, you can-"

"I am not going to stoop to murder, Asakura," Emiri cut in bluntly. She didn't want to sully the relationship between her superiors and the espers. Well, that and she was kind of starting to become afraid of Mori. From what Emiri had heard, Mori could leap twenty feet into the air and smash solid rock. And that was WITHOUT her esper powers.

Ryoko's face fell and became one of disappointment. "Oh... Well, how about you talk to Koizumi about it. Make up some excuse about how it's impacting your performance or something. After that Mori can go bug Tsuruya or something,"

"You know what?" mused Emiri, "That just might work! Thanks for your help, Asakura! I'll talk to Koizumi tomorrow."

"No, problem! It was a pleasure, Kimidori. Now that you've brought it up, I think I'll go talk to Koizumi as well," smiled Ryoko.

Emiri raised an eyebrow. "Whatever for?'

"That," said Ryoko, pointing towards the window they sitting in front of. Emiri looked towards it and gasped.

"Arakawa?!" she shouted.

"Yes, indeed. I too have someone who wants to be my rival for no apparent reason," murmured Ryoko.

Cleaning the window with a soapy squeegee, was none other than Mori's friend, Arakawa. The mustached esper smiled and waved at them. He said something to them, but the window muffled his voice. It was probably something along the lines of 'I'm just a window-wiper passing by'.

Ryoko sighed and snapped her fingers. There was a tearing sound and suddenly the ropes holding the platform Arakawa was on gave away. The entire steel platform then dropped out from under him. Arakawa hung in midair for a few seconds (still smiling happily) and then vanished from sight. Moments later, a loud crashing sound was heard from outside. Emiri was horrified beyond belief.

"What did you do that for, Asakura?! You just killed him!" screamed Emiri.

"Not to worry, Kimidori. This is the fifth time I've done that. He always comes back," Ryoko answered softly.

There was a long silence that followed.

"Asakura?"

"Yes?"

"Espers are a peculiar bunch aren't they?"

"They certainly are, Kimidori. They certainly are."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: But not as weird as Humanoid Interfaces, hmmmm?**

**Hey, everyone! I have a question to ask of you all. Since Halloween is closely approaching, would any of you enjoy some Halloween-style chapters for October? I have some ideas involving very creepy scenarios. Very creepy scenarios... Mwahahahahahaha... **

**That was obligatory evil laughter.**

**Oh, and this week I shall follow through a chapter idea I mentioned awhile back. Can Kyon choose the perfect girlfriend? Probably not, what with me killing his characterization, but we'll see how it goes. Bye!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	47. Kyon Wants a Girlfriend

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: This ain't a Halloween story, but it does get kinda creepy towards the end.**

**Ahh, Kyon. This guy has the most pairings out of anyone in the whole series. Be it his club members, the secondary characters, or even people he has only spoken to for less than ten minutes, Kyon seems to be getting plenty attention from everyone. Which makes it harder to pinpoint which girl he'll end up with once the series ends. How can he choose his potential mate?**

**This chapter shall answer that question!**

**...By giving Kyon the mindset of a dirty old man. I think I made him even worse than Taniguchi. Massive amounts of OOCness for him, okay? I hope you all enjoy this, boys and girls. **

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Size Does(n't) Matter:**

When Haruhi arrived at the door to the SOS Brigade clubroom, she knew something weird was going down. She had received a note in her shoe cubby asking her to go to the clubroom afterschool. It was signed by Kyon. There was nothing else written on it, except the invitation to arrive at 5:00 after the club meeting had ended. She'd waited for Kyon at the gate to question him, but he never showed up. So left with no other choice, she headed to the clubroom and walked through the door. When she did, Haruhi was met with a startling sight.

She wasn't the only one in the clubroom.

Occupying her clubroom was Mikuru, Tsuruya, Ryoko, Emiri, Sasaki, Kyouko, and Kuyou. While Mikuru and Tsuruya sat on chairs, everyone else was standing. The group of girls had been chatting, but stopped when they saw that Haruhi had entered the room. An awkward silence befell them.

"What are you all doing here?" asked Haruhi, breaking the silence. Something fishy was going on...

"Um... We're all waiting for Kyon, Miss Suzumiya," answered Mikuru, shakily holding up a small piece of paper. Haruhi walked over and snatched the paper from Mikuru's hand. Looking it over she saw that it was the same note as hers. The only thing different was the name it was addressed to .

"Do you all have..." began Haruhi, only to be stopped when all the other girls held up their own pieces of paper.

"Mine was on my desk, nyoro!" said Tsuruya.

"I found mine in by schoolbag," said Ryoko.

"It was just sitting in my chair when I went to attend my duties for Student Government," said Emiri.

"My mom found it on my doorstep," said Sasaki.

"I opened my mailbox and found this next to the junkmail," said Kyouko.

Kuyou said nothing. She just held up the note and pointed to her head. Apparently, someone had stuck it on her when she wasn't paying attention.

"Why would Kyon invite us all over at the exact same time? This sounds like a mystery!" exclaimed Haruhi. She had to get to the bottom of this! Why would Kyon want her alone with him? Unless... No! That couldn't be it could it? Plus, if Kyon requested her presence, then why were these sirens here as well?

"Maybe he made a mistake and only wanted to talk to one of us alone," offered Ryoko. She found it odd that Kyon wanted to meet with her alone. She bore no ill will against him anymore, but wasn't he afraid she'd tried to skewer him again?

"Kyon doesn't seem like the kind of person to forget something like that..." mused Sasaki. If he wanted to talk to her and the others, than why wasn't Fujiwara here as well? There was some animosity between them so that might have been reason for the time-traveler's absence. But why invite these other girls?

Just as they were about to start talking about why they were all here, the door swung open. All of them turned to face the newcomer. Speak of the devil.

"Ahh. You all received my messages! I was beginning to think none of you would show up," said the figure in the doorway.

"Kyon? What's the meaning of this!" demanded Haruhi. Instead of answering, Kyon strode into the room and shut the door behind him. He held a manila folder under his right arm and a look of confidence on his face. Kyon walked until he was standing in front the room's blackboard. The girls looked on in confusion.

"Ladies, I suppose you're all wondering why I have called you all here. I shall explain why shortly. But if it's not too much trouble could you all step over to the other side of the room. It's very important that you do," requested Kyon. Haruhi seemed hesitant to follow instructions, but complied nonetheless. If Kyon wanted to play a little game with her, then fine. Seeing Haruhi go other to the other side of the room spurred on Mikuru, who rose from her chair and followed her Brigade chief. In a matter of seconds, all the girls were lined up.

Kyon smiled and clasped his hands together. "Excellent!"

"Okay, Kyon... Now would you mind telling us _why _we're here in the first place?" asked Haruhi with a suspicious gleam in her eyes.

"Yes, I too wish to know what's going on," piped in Sasaki.

"Us as well," said Ryoko, gesturing to the other girls.

When everyone else began to nod in agreement, Kyon decided it was time to start talking. "All right. I guess it's time for me to explain. I am about to do something that requires all of your help. You see, there comes a time in a person's life where he or she discovers that they are feeling lonely. I am now one of those people. And the only thing that can cure the loneliness eating away at my heart is to find someone who I can confide in. Someone who will share my misfortunes and joys."

"I... don't get it," said Mikuru, who had gotten confused and stopped thinking temporarily.

"Then allow me to make it clearer for you, Miss Asahina. I have decided...... to get a GIRLFRIEND!!!" announced Kyon dramatically. The second the words were out of his mouth, several blushes revealed themselves (except for Kuyou who did nothing), as well as gasps of embarrassment. A short silence followed, only to be shattered by Haruhi.

"WHAAAT?!?! Kyon, you gathered us all in here to find yourself a GIRLFRIEND?! Do you have any idea how... how... WEIRD that sounds?!" yelled a reddening Haruhi.

"But I thought you liked weird stuff, Haruhi?" asked Kyon.

"I... I do! But this is just plain rude!" fired back Haruhi.

"D-Did you invite us all over to pick a girlfriend?" Mikuru timidly asked.

"Yes, Miss Asahina... I did," admitted Kyon. "But before any of you can judge me, let me explain. The truth is that I care deeply about each and every one of you. Each of you means something special to me. We've each shared tender moments between us that have made me reflect back on my life. Therefore it would be impossible for me to choose just one of you."

Several emotions went through the group after Kyon's little speech. Haruhi, Mikuru, and Tsuruya felt odd, but a bit happy that Kyon had actually admitted his feelings. Ryoko felt flattered that Kyon didn't consider her his enemy anymore, and Sasaki couldn't help but smile that Kyon had feelings for her. Emiri was a bit confused that Kyon fancied her despite them only seeing each other occasionally, but she still smiled to be polite. Kuyou barely moved at all. Kyouko found it strange that Kyon was admitting his feelings to her as well. Didn't he hate her group? The female esper decided to ask him a question that was on her mind.

"Are... you asking us to become your harem?" asked a baffled Kyouko. This caused all the girls to shoot shocked and accusing glares at Kyon. In response, Kyon looked at Kyouko with a perplexed expression.

"Heaven forbid, Tachibana! I could not go through with such a foul deed! How would I share my love with you all equally? I only desire one girl of my dreams. Attempting to date all of you at once would result in some girls feeling left out. And that is something I cannot allow!" exclaimed Kyon, while gesticulating with his hands like a mafia don.

"Then why did ya invite us all over here, huh?" asked Tsuruya, causing Haruhi to give Kyon her best 'well-what-do-you-have-to-say-for-yourself?' stare. As if to answer the green-haired girl's question, Kyon withdrew the folder from under his arm and held it up for all to see.

"Rather than go through the all the emotion turmoil to see who would be the ideal girlfriend for me, I decided to conduct an experiment," announced Kyon.

"An experiment?" said Emiri, her interest piquing ( as well as Ryoko's). "What kind of experiment did you conduct?"

"Well, Kimidori," answered Kyon, "I took into account everyone's hair and eye colors to see which person would appeal to me the most. I used these to help me."

And with one fluid movement, Kyon withdrew the envelope's contents and tossed the empty envelope to the floor. Everyone blinked. Kyon was holding a stack of nine photographs.

"Kyon, when did you take pictures of us?" asked Sasaki, who would've remembered something like that.

"Patience, my dear Sasaki. I shall get to that in a moment," said Kyon as he took a roll of tape out of his pocket. He then began to tape the photos to the blackboard behind him. When he was done, the girls could see that Kyon had arranged them in a line of sorts. On the left side of the board was a picture of Yuki wearing her trademark blank face. On the right side of the board was a picture of Mikuru smiling happily (at that moment Mikuru remembered that Kyon had asked her to pose for a project he was working on earlier, but he had neglected to say what subject). All the other photos were clustered in the center.

And that's when they noticed just what _kind _of pictures Kyon had taken.

"Kyon, is that me leaving my house for school?!" roared Haruhi with rage.

"Yeah, Haruhi. I just happened to be passing by when I saw you, and I happened to have my camera with me so..."

"Is that me at the bus stop?" uttered Sasaki.

"Yup! I was in the neighborhood to say hi, but you couldn't see or hear me. So... I decided to capture the moment!"

"Kyon, were you in my room... while I was SLEEPING?!?!" cried Tsuruya.

"Well, you left your math book over at my house when we did homework that week so I came to bring it back. The front gate was locked so I climbed over the wall and saw that your window was open. You should close it before going to sleep. A lot of freaks are up at night. You're lucky I closed it after I left."

"Kyon, is that me at the supermarket?" asked Ryoko with a scowl.

"I think so. It was pretty hard taking your picture while hiding inside that freezer."

"Is... Is that my classroom?" Emiri asked with a wince.

"Indeed it is, Kimidori! The sunlight really gives your skin a healthy glow doesn't it? Glad I could snap this picture while hanging from the window ledge outside."

"AM I NAKED IN THAT ONE?!?!" snarled Kyouko.

"No way, Tachibana! I hid in your closet while you were showering and took the photo when you had your towel on. I would never do something that despicable!"

"ARE YOU STALKING US, YOU FREAK?!?!" shouted Haruhi, who was completely mortified at Kyon's actions. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!"

"Do not think badly of me ladies," said Kyon in a calm voice. "I have done absolutely nothing wrong. And, Haruhi, stalking is such an ugly word. I was merely observing you all in order to provide visual aids for my study. May I continue?"

There were a few 'sure's and 'okay's so Kyon was allowed to move on. "Now as you can see, I've arranged the photos in this order. Looks completely random now does it? But watch this..."

Kyon took Ryoko's picture and set it next to Mikuru's. Then he took Kuyou's and placed it next to Yuki's. And once he was done, Kyon began to move the remaining photos around for a few seconds and stepped away. Now the remaining photos were stacked up on each other. From top to bottom the order was: Tsuruya, Haruhi, Sasaki, Kyouko, and Emiri.

"Why did you stack our photos like that?" asked Haruhi, who knew she was most definitely not going to enjoy the answer.

"Well, Haruhi," said Kyon gesturing with his arm, "As I previously stated, since it would be much too difficult to select one of you based on your wonderfully diverse personalities, I decided to go take another route. I decided to categorize you all by your physical attributes to see who would be more to my liking."

Haruhi's eyes widened. "You mean..."

"Exactly! I sorted you all out by your bust sizes!"

A loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong silence followed. It was finally broken by Kyon himself.

"Something wrong, girls?" Kyon asked innocently.

"What. The. Hell. Kyon," spat Sasaki, each word coated in venom.

"What's wrong with my chart?" wondered Kyon. "It's a very simple system to understand. You see, Nagato isn't that developed so she's at the bottom. Suou is up next since she's so small. Asahina is at the top, because she's so busty. I put Asakura beneath her, because even though her breasts aren't as large, they're still top-tier. I placed everyone else in the middle. Mostly because of the fact that you're all average-sized. I'm hoping that we can sort out my chart by... Hmm? What's wrong, everyone?"

Everyone in the room, except for you-know-who, was now glaring at Kyon with complete malice. Even Mikuru.

"Kyon......" Haruhi said slowly. "Are you going to choose one of us based solely on the size of our BOOBS?!?!"

Kyon blinked innocently. "What's wrong with that? There's nothing wrong with a guy liking breasts. Big or small it doesn't matter. They're a wonderful part of nature. Now if you don't mind, we can get to work right now."

"W-W-Work?" stammered Mikuru.

"Yes, Asahina. Work. I'll need to take some measurements in order to make sure my chart is correct! Oh, look! There's a ruler on the table! Could you hand it to me, Asakura?" Kyon asked politely.

Said ruler flew past Kyon's head and embedded itself in the wall.

"Something wrong, Asakura?" inquired Kyon.

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!" snapped Ryoko. "HOW DARE YOU TREAT US THIS WAY!!!"

"I think someone's overreacting..."

"I'M NOT OVERREACTING, YOU PERV!!! AND WHERE THE HELL IS NAGATO ANYWAYS!!!"

Haruhi stopped mentally slaughtering Kyon and wondered the same thing. "Yeah! Where is Yuki, you sleaze!"

Kyon shrugged. "I guess I just didn't want to embarrass her. I value and respect Nagato's opinion and privacy."

That's when everyone stood up (minus Kuyou) and started making their way towards Kyon. He realized that last sentence probably shouldn't have come out of his mouth.

"Tsuruya..." Haruhi hissed through gritted teeth.

"Yeah..." Tsuruya said with a ferocious look on her face.

"Go lock the door. I don't want anyone to hear him scream."

"Gotcha."

As they closed in on Kyon like sharks on a wounded seal, the brown-haired boy said a single sentence.

"Wow, this plan sounded so much simpler on paper."

***

**Two Hours Later...**

***

"And that's why I'm here."

"I see."

Kyon was standing in front of Yuki's apartment at 7:00. The teenage boy's blazer was missing and his clothes reeked of garbage. He had just finished telling the petite girl about how he had thrown his blazer at the bloodthirsty girls and then jumped out the clubroom window before they could castrate him. He managed to grab a hold of a ledge and climb down safely. Then he had been chased for a few minutes around the entire school before jumping into a dumpster to throw them off the scent. He had hidden there for an ungodly amount of time before dashing through the backstreets and alleyways to Yuki's place.

"So, is there any chance I could stay here until the heat dies down?" pleaded Kyon.

"Yes. I will let you stay here. I shall alter the memories of your family to make them think you returned home already," responded Yuki.

"Thanks, Nagato! You are the best!" chirped Kyon.

As Kyon walked into Yuki's neat apartment, he failed to notice the devious smile making its way onto her face.

_Yes, Kyon... I will let you stay here as long as you want. You do have plenty of respect for me... I will rewrite the memories of the girls you offended so that they won't remember the incident at all. It will take only two days at the most, but if it means you spending time with me then it might take a bit longer... By the time this is all is over, the only girl you'll be interested in............ will be me._

The door shut.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: OH NOEZ!!! Yuki's gonna rape Kyon!**

**...**

**Let me explain how I came up with this. I noticed that in most fanfics and comics, Kyon is always taking notes of the bodies of the girls he meets. The way he words his opinions makes it sounds like he's writing about a cure for cancer. I also read a comic where Kyon has his porn stash discovered by Tsuruya (he claims they belong to that wa-wa guy) and goes on a rant about breasts. I was torn between laughing and saying 'Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?!'. So, I just had to think what would happen if he took it a step further. That and I always wanted to parody the whole KyonxAllthegirls story-type setting.**

**Plus, we all know Kyon's a bigger pervert than Taniguchi. I hope he gets hit in the groin by a football.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	48. The Not So Epic Showdown

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Happy birthday to Kye-Zhi!**

**Went on YouTube and listened to the Ultimate Showdown. I saw the flash version and the Brawl version and wondered if there was a Haruhi version. There were a few, but they weren't that great. So I made my own. I promise to post something scary later.**

**AND I ADDED CHAPTER NAMES, BECAUSE NUMBERS SUCK! :O**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**The Ultimate Showdown of Haruhi Suzumiya:**

_A big blue Celsetial was hopping around_

_North High School like a big playground_

_When suddenly John Smith stopped soaking up some sun_

_and shot the Celestial with his gun_

_The giant got pissed and said, "I'm gonna hurt ya!"_

_but didn't expect to be blocked by Tsuruya_

_who proceeded to open up some hurt with a war cry_

_When Mori hit her while just passing by_

_-_

_And she started beating up Tsuruya, who people really like_

_Then they both got flattened by John Smith's bike_

_but before he could make it back to the clubroom_

_Ryoko Asakura materialized to seal his doom_

_and took a combat knife out, with a look in her eye_

_that said to the poor boy, "Oh, won't you please die?"_

_but when she ran right up to stab away_

_Mikuru shot a Beam to save the day_

_-_

_This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny_

_aliens, time-travelers, and espers as far as the eye can see_

_and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be_

_this is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny_

_-_

_The Celestial took a swing at the moe maid, who dodged with ease_

_like how Tsuruya wolfs down her smoked-cheese_

_and then LOLFang-tan came back in a bike track_

_but Itsuki Koizumi jumped out and landed on her back_

_and Jonh Smith was freaked out, and trying to get steady_

_when crazy old Ryoko came back with a machete_

_but suddenly something caught her leg and she tripped_

_Kuyou Suou took her out with a hair tentacle whip_

_-_

_Then she saw the Celestial sneaking up from behind_

_and she called forth her data powers which she just couldn't find_

_'cause John neutralized them, took out his gun, shot, and missed_

_and Itsuki Koizumi deflected the bullet with his esper fist_

_then he flew into the air and did a somersault_

_while Ryoko tried to pole vault_

_onto little Kuyou, but they collided in the air it would seem_

_then they both got hit by a Mikuru Beam_

_-_

_This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny_

_aliens, time-travelers, and espers as far as the eye can see_

_and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be_

_this is the Ultimate Showdown..._

_-_

_Angels sang out in a spectacular show_

_down from the heavens descended Yuki Nagato_

_who delivered a kick that could shatter rock_

_into the area of Itsuki's unfortunate cock_

_who fell over on the ground, clutching at a broken bone_

_as John Smith changed back into Kyon_

_but Yuki saw through his clever three-year disguise_

_and she tried to crush Kyon's head inbetween her sexy thighs_

_-_

_Then Haruhi Suzumiya and Alternate-Haruhi came to steal the show and_

_Shamisen, Miyoko, and Imouto and_

_The Tamaru brothers and the butler Arakawa and_

_Sakanaka, her dogs, and Nakagawa_

_Kyouko, Fujiwara, Sasaki, and Emiri were there_

_Mr. Kimidori, Achakura, and every other Haruhi-chan character_

_The Computer Club Prez and his whole gang,_

_The IDE, the cave cricket, those two guys, the genderbents, and alternates came to serve pain_

_they all came out of nowhere lightning fast_

_and they all kicked Yuki in her bookworm ass_

_it was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw_

_with civilians looking on in total awe_

_-_

_And the battle raged on for a century_

_many lives were claimed, but eventually_

_the champion stood, the rest saw who:_

_Churuya in a bloodstained sailor fuku_

_-_

_This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny_

_aliens, time-travelers, and espers as far as the eye can see_

_and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be_

_this is the Ultimate Showdown..._

_this is the Ultimate Showdown..._

_this is the Ultimate Showdown..._

_of Ultimate Destiny..._

***

"Well," smiled the President of the Student Council, "Did you like my song? Pretty hip, huh? All that smoking makes my voice carry, doesn't it?"

Emiri Kimidori shuffled uncomfortably in her chair. "Well, it was a very _interesting _song I must admit. Some parts were a little off key, but it was catchy at least. There's one question I have though."

"Oh? What is it, Kimidori?" asked the Student Council President.

"Well... who in the world is Churuya?" questioned Emiri.

The chain-smoker's face fell and he stared at Emiri with a hardened gaze.

"Kimidori..."

"Yes?"

"Get the hell out of my office."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: Who knew that guy was such a fan of Churuya?**

**This was VERY hard to make so I hope you guys enjoyed it. I wonder if anyone will ever try to hum this? And remember, when something gets between Churuya and her cheese, almost nothing will stop her.**

**Tune in next time for:**

**Survival Horror!**

**Zombies!**

**Umbrellas!**

**Monsters that look like a certain part of the female anatomy!**

**And the most terrifying thing of all... SYMBOLISM!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	49. Survival Horror is a Drag

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Can't believe I went this many chapters without referencing this franchise. You don't really need to have played the games to get any of the jokes. Just sit back and laugh.**

**And I made Kunikida the main character in this. Why you ask? BECAUSE AN AUTHOR DOESN'T ABANDON EVEN THE MOST MINOR CHARACTERS.**

**And I ,the narrator, am sort of in this as well. Not as a self-insert so don't hit the back button just yet. I'm just the text in bold.**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Resident Haruhi: Outbreak:**

**Summer, 1998...**

Kunikida walked through the entrance to J's Bar with a smile on his face. It had been a hard at the police station and now he could sit back and unwind. He sat down at his usual seat at the front and waited for his drink. Suddenly, his drink was placed in front of him by the smiling bar maid.

"Have a good Friday, Kunikida?" Mikuru asked in her regular warm tone of voice.

"It was all right, Asahina," replied Kunikida, while he adjusted his badge. "Where's your boss?"

"Oh, you mean, Bob? He's in the back, checking inventory. What's been going on at the station?"

"We've been getting some really weird reports lately. Stuff about people going crazy and weird things in the forest at night."

"Weird things, huh?" said an energetic voice from behind. "Sounds like my next big scoop! Care to share any names for the local paper, Kunikida?"

Turning around Kunikida saw that the voice belonged to none other than Haruhi Suzumiya dressed in a red business outfit. Ever since she'd graduated, she'd become Japan's top journalist. Seeking out the truth was her passion and now she'd managed to make a great living out of it.

"Well, I'm supposed to keep whatever goes on at the station a secret..." mumbled Kunikida as Haruhi's eyes drilled into him.

"Oh, lay off him, Suzumiya," barked a voice from the opposite end of the bar. "He's just trying to chill."

"Yeah, Haruhi. Go pick on someone your own size," drawled another. The voices belonged to Taniguchi and Kyon respectively. Taniguchi wore a smirk on his lips, while Kyon glowered at his nosy girlfriend.

Haruhi growled and faced the two observers. "I'm not bothering him! I was just asking about his day! Mikuru did! That's not a crime! Right, Kunikida?"

"I don't think so..." Kunikida whispered, staring into his drink. There was a loud mocking laugh from the booths. The laugh belonged to a rather nasty-looking male with dirty blonde hair.

Kyon grimaced. "Hello, Fujiwara."

"Kyon. Lovely Friday, huh?" smiled the time-traveler.

"I suppose."

"Still working as a security guard, I see."

"I'm working my way up. And why... why are you dressed like a plumber?"

"I believe that question falls under the category of nunya."

"Nunya?"

"Nunya business. And where is my drink?"

"Here you are, sir..." Mikuru said with a hint of loathing as she brought up a glass of scotch for her foe. Fujiwara stared at her for a bit before snatching his drink off the serving tray. He gave it a once-over, then proceeded to down it in two seconds.

"Delicious. The service is good around here," Fujiwara grinned, sending chills up Mikuru's spine. She nodded in thanks before dashing back behind the counter in fear.

**The citizens of Kyoto read in the papers about the recent string of bizarre incidents. Campers and hikers had been mauled on the outskirts of the city. An apparent cannibal cult had been rumored to dwell deep within the local forests. Mutilated animal carcasses had been found here and there. The reports of missing people had also increased recently.**

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked around.

"Did you guys hear that?" asked Haruhi, glancing around the room.

"Yeah," said Kyon. "It sounded like a voice-over."

The room fell into an uneasy silence.

"Ummm..." Mikuru tried to think of a way to jumpstart a conversation. "How was the sub-way today, Taniguchi?"

"Pretty quiet today, Asahina. Not a lot of riders. Everyone seems pretty uneasy lately. Come to think of it, have you noticed anything wrong with the animals? I haven't seen any dogs on the streets. And there seems to be plenty of rats and crows running around now," remarked Taniguchi.

"Ick, rats" frowned Haruhi. "And I HATE crows. It's like they're always trying to pick out which part of you they'll eat first when they stare at you."

Suddenly, the bar door opened, and in strolled Yuki and Itsuki. Itsuki was wearing a doctor's coat and held a bag filled with folders in one hand. Yuki was dressed in a green jacket and casual clothes, with a backpack slung over her shoulder. They wandered over to a nearby booth and sat down together. Fujiwara grumbled and started to read the menu.

"Hey there, doc!" cheered Haruhi, dashing over to the pair and slinging an arm over Itsuki's shoulder. "Save any lives today?"

"Hello, Suzumiya!" Itsuki responded with equal cheer. "Nothing remarkable today. Though it seems there's this new illness going around."

Yuki nodded in agreement. "Indeed. I've noticed many odd-looking people ambling about the university I attend. I've spoken with the professors who work there, but even they are confused."

"How is college, Nagato?" asked Kyon, wanting to shift the subject to something less dreary.

"Fine, Kyon. I've helped teach a few classes and decided I might pursue a career in teaching," said Yuki.

"I think you'd make wonderful teacher, Nagato!" beamed Mikuru, coming towards her friends with some drinks. "What's the name of that professor you're working with? The foreigner?"

"Greg Mueller. He's very dedicated to his work," murmured Yuki. "Speaking of which-"

**Then came the wild reports that the Kyoto Police Department's S.T.A.R.S team had destroyed a mansion where the powerful pharmaceutical corporation, Umbrella, had conducted illegal biological experiments on unwilling test subjects. Also rumored was that they had created and accidently unleashed a virus that could revive the dead as flesh-eating monsters. Naturally, the local law enforcement and Umbrella executives discounted the records as slander and mass hallucinations. **

Everyone froze. Yuki and Itsuki looked around for the source of the voice.

"The hell was that?" said Fujiwara, staring up at the ceiling.

"Did... Did that voice just say something about zombies?" asked a very nervous Taniguchi. Suddenly, everyone turned to look at Kunikida. The brown-haired boy blinked in surprise at the sudden attention he was receiving.

"What's everyone looking at?" he asked.

"Didn't you say that you guys are looking into weird stuff going on in the woods?" asked Kyon with a hint of dread in his voice.

"Yeah," said Kunikida, "But all of that's supposed to be confidential!"

**However... **

"Okay, whoever's doing that had better show themselves right now! You better come out or I'll drag you out of hiding!" threatened Haruhi. Instead of a confession, the voice spoke again in a foreboding tone.

**A few months have passed, and strange events have begun to occur once more in the peaceful city of Kyoto. News and local gossip detail encounters of sickly citizens and odd behavior in animals. People have begun to disappear on a regular basis. As these tales grow even more curious, the citizens go on about their daily business in Kyoto. But unfortunately for them, life in the big city is about to get a lot less ordinary.**

"A-A-Are we being spied on?" Mikuru asked fearfully.

"How do you know all these things!" shouted Kyon. "Is this some kind of prank or are you trying to warn us about something!"

"I'm sure it's all just a practical joke, Kyon. A biiiig joke. Ha ha ha..." Fujiwara chuckled nervously. He suddenly felt that going outside the bar seemed like a bad decision so he remained in his seat. Unbeknownst to everyone, Yuki slowly began to head towards the shuttered windows near the bar entrance.

Itsuki stroked his chin in deep thought. "Perhaps our mysterious friend knows the whole truth about what's going on with the whole city. Maybe..."

The esper stood up from his chair and made his way into the center of the room. Everyone stared in amazement as Itsuki looked towards the ceiling and cupped his hands over the sides of his mouth. By this time, Yuki had reached the windows and was now peering through the blinds.

"Excuse me, sir!" Itsuki shouted. "Could you tell us more? What did you mean by a virus that raises the dead?"

Kyon shook his head. "Do you really think that's going to-"

**After a hard day of working, eight local residents, who are all connected to one another, have gathered at a small tavern called J's Bar in the center of Kyoto to relax and hang out with each other. However, some unexpected guests are about to arrive shortly, in the mood for cuisine that isn't on tonight's menu.**

Upon hearing that statement everyone's blood ran cold. Except for...

"Did you hear that, guys!" said an excited Haruhi. "We're about to meet some -"

"We ALL heard, Haruhi," Kyon said, getting up from his chair quickly. "Now let's get the hell out of here."

Everyone began to rush towards the exit. But before Kyon could escort a protesting Haruhi out the door, he was blocked by Yuki.

"I would not go outside if I were you," warned the lavender-haired genius.

"Why not, Nagato?" Kyon asked, even though he knew the answer.

"There is a mob of approximately seventy-five zombies making their way towards this establishment. I also saw a swarm of at least thirty golden-retriever-sized scissor-worms crawling up the opposite side of the street," Yuki said dully. Mikuru's knees gave out and she landed in Itsuki's grasp. Before anyone could do anything, the voice spoke once again.

**And before the night is through, each of these individuals must work together to determine whether they are capable of summoning the courage, will, and intelligence to survive the terror of the T-virus outbreak... **

Everyone started yelling several things at once.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!" yelled Kyon.

"KYON!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT?! ZOMBIES!!! I'LL BE FAMOUS IF I CAN GET THIS STORY!!! WHO'S GOT A CAMERA?!?!" yelled Haruhi.

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!" yelled Taniguchi.

"I HATE YOU, MR. VOICE!!! YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL!!!" yelled Fujiwara.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!" yelled Mikuru.

"EVERYONE!!! GRAB A WEAPON AND HEAD TOWARDS THE ROOF!!! KYON AND TANIGUCHI!!! HELP ME BARRICADE THE ENTRANCE!!!" yelled Itsuki.

"Please calm down, everyone," Yuki said nonchalantly as a low moaning began to resonate from outside. It was accompanied by a loud hissing sound as well. Kunikida sighed and went back to his seat. He sat down, finished his drink, checked to see if his gun still had bullets, then reached over the counter.

_Looks like that pizza will have to wait... _he thought to himself sadly as he began to mix together a few Molotov cocktails. As he went through his pockets for a lighter, the voice continued to ramble on mindlessly above the din.

**Resident Haruhi: Outbreak... available this fall at your local Gamers! Pre-order a copy today! Go online and challenge your friends on Network! Catch the fever! And always remember... AIM FOR THE HEAD!!!**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**A/N: If this was real, I would so buy it. Though if it were real, people would probably post videos on YouTube of Itsuki getting stabbed by a Hunter, Haruhi getting munched on by a Neptune, or Mikuru getting raped by the Leech Man. XD**

**I'll do another resident Evil parody in the future as well as a request for ObsidianWarior.**

**In our next chapter, Kyon really hates the hill his school is on, doesn't he? Well, can he keep his sanity intact when he and the rest of the cast get stuck in...**

**SILENT HILL!?!?**

**And if anyone is curious about the characters...**

**Kunikida- Kevin**

**Kyon- Mark**

**Itsuki- George**

**Taniguchi- Jim**

**Fujiwara- David**

**Yuki- Yoko**

**Haruhi- Alyssa**

**Mikuru- Cindy**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	50. Over the Hill: Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**In lieu of parodying survival horror games, I've decided to write this Haruhi/Silent Hill crossover. If you know the plot and characters, then you're good to go. If you don't...... well let me just say that the history of Silent Hill is more confusing than Haruhi-chan. It's THAT confusing. Evil cults, cursed towns, pagan gods, UFOs, ghost children, monsters that represent people's fears, and rape. Let's just say that symbolism plays a big part in the franchise. A **_**big**_** part. For this parody, I combined several of the games together so there would be more characters to use. It came out a little longer than expected so I split into three smaller parts. I actually tried to blend both humor and horror into one, but don't worry about being **_**too **_**squicked out. Well, enjoy. **

**And by the way... (takes out photo)**** Have you seen a little girl? She just turned seven last month. Short, black hair. My daughter.**

**...**

**And if you understood that reference, you're either chuckling half-heartedly or scratching your head and mouthing out 'Whaat?'. I won't blame you for either.**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Part One: Rape, Childhood Trauma, and Dormant Gods, Oh My!:**

Kyon was in a dilly of a pickle.

He'd woken up this morning not in the comfort of his bed, but in a red jeep. Not in the backseat, but while he was _driving _said jeep. He instantly grabbed the steering wheel and tried to control the vehicle, which was quite difficult in his groggy state of mind. This was further complicated by the fact that Kyon was driving down a deserted foggy road in the middle of nowhere. Just when it looked like he'd managed to get a firm grip of the situation he glanced over at the passenger seat and gaped.

Sitting there was a small girl in a blue and white dress with brown hair, staring at him with wide eyes.

"Is everything okay, Kyon?"

"Imouto?!"

Darting his gaze back to the road, Kyon's eyes widened as a very familiar shape materialized right in front of the automobile.

"NAGATO?!?!"

And shortly after that, Kyon crashed into a tree.

***

After awakening on the side of the road an hour later, Kyon stumbled to the overturned jeep and searched for his sister. He gasped in surprise when he saw that she was missing from her seat. There was no blood or any signs that she'd gotten hurt. In fact, it seemed as though Imouto had never been there at all. But she had; Kyon was sure of that. This wasn't a dream.

"IMOUTO!!!" shouted Kyon. Absolutely nothing. So he tried again with a different name.

"NAGATO!!!" he called desperately. Still no response.

So after a few more fruitless attempts to call her name, Kyon set off down the foggy road to look for his loli sister and the pale bookworm. It seemed terribly chilly out here so he placed his hands in his pockets to thaw them out. He then noticed that he was wearing some jeans and a brown jacket with a gray shirt underneath it.

_When did I put this on...? _Kyon thought to himself as trudged forwards. After what seemed like forever, Kyon found himself nearing the entrance to a small town. Overjoyed that he had reached civilization, he dashed towards it with an unnatural speed. The confident smile on his face abruptly committed suicide when he reached his destination which looked like the entrance to a shopping district. The reason being the large sign to his left that displayed the town's name.

**WELCOME TO SILENT HILL**

Kyon suddenly realized why he was here, what was going on, and who he had to blame.

"Damn you, Haruhi..." Kyon snarled under his breath as he trotted into the dreaded mind-fuck Konami had created. He'd been lucky enough to have played the games since he was a kid and he knew what kind of crazy shit happened in this place. If he survived this, he was going to try and get Haruhi addicted to Othello. He had only gone a few steps when he heard some footsteps. Startled, the lowest member of the SOS Brigade began to quickly view his surroundings. The streets were empty and there were several shops lining the sidewalk. Some were even boarded up with planks. The footsteps seemed to be gaining speed and volume. Kyon braced himself.

"Hey!" called a high feminine voice that was strangely familiar.

Kyon spun around and arched in his eyebrows in surprise. Jogging towards him was someone he hadn't expected to meet in this place. He just couldn't understand why she was dressed in a police uniform.

"Nice to see a friendly face for once!" shouted Kyouko as she dashed up to Kyon. The pig-tailed esper was donning a blue police outfit complete with a badge and hat. There was even a holster containing a gun and a taser on her side. She gave Kyon a friendly grin before she looked around.

"Are you by yourself?" she asked in a business-like tone which surprised him. Kyon nodded and began to tell Kyouko about what had happened so far. He told her about the jeep, his sister, Yuki in the road, and where they were. Kyouko listened the whole time scratching her chin in thought. Then she spoke up.

"So we are in a video game... No doubt thanks to Suzumiya. This complicates things," Kyouko said, staring at a few of the boarded up stores.

"How so?" Kyon asked nervously.

"Well, considering video game rules, there is the chance that we may get killed. In incredibly brutal ways. And since this is a Silent Hill game Suzumiya has transported us to, there is a good chance that the town is populated with monsters."

"...Monsters?"

"Yes. The kind that may try to eat us. Or molest us. Or both."

_Holy shit on a peanut butter and jelly shit sandwich, _thought Kyon.

"Then there's the fact that if Suzumiya has played most of the sequels, then we might be facing off against creatures that aren't even supposed to be in the first one. Heck, the town may have a different layout. We could wander the town from the first Silent Hill and end up bungling into the ones from 2, 3, The Room, or Homecoming! And that's not counting the alternate versions of each town..."

Kyon was suddenly glad he hadn't eaten or drank anything yet; otherwise he'd have soiled himself by now.

"So, Tachibana," Kyon said, while shuffling close to the esper for safety reasons, "Where are your friends? Is Sasaki here? What about Suou and Fujiwara?"

Kyouko shrugged. "Don't know. They might be around here somewhere... I didn't even know where I was at first! I woke up in the middle of the street in this uniform, driving a motorcycle at twenty-five miles per hour! I'm lucky I jumped into some bushes before I wiped out!"

She pointed at a nearby brick wall and Kyon saw that she was indicating the remains of a smashed up motorcycle that was partially hidden by the fog. Seconds later, the mismatched pair began to trudge down the empty street. Kyon called out for his sister and Brigade members, while Kyouko called after Sasaki and her companions. They didn't encounter any creatures, which was good since Kyouko was the only one who possessed a firearm. The duo soon arrived at a large apartment building. "Wood Side Apartments", said the sign out front.

_So, _Kyon monologued to himself, _Tachibana was right after all. This place is supposed to be in the second game, not the first. Oh, why did you have to have a sale on that Special Anniversary Collection, Gamers? Why?_

Kyon was shaken out of his thoughts by Kyouko, who wore a look that promised protection. "Shall we?"

He smiled at her. "Ladies first, Tachiba-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Kyon fell to the ground as a large dark shape dive-bombed him from the sky and began to savagely claw his right shoulder. His assailant let out a high-pitched shriek of triumph. Kyouko screamed in fright and whipped out her gun. Pinning Kyon to the ground with a clawed foot was a hideous monster that looked like a cross between a bat and pterodactyl. It had motley brown skin and was as tall as a full-grown man. It stopped looking down at Kyon with its reptilian eyes and screamed at the esper girl with a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth.

_**BLAM!**_

Despite its size, the monster was flung back from the shot and lay on the street in a heap, like a crumpled umbrella. Blood oozed from its forehead. Kyouko quickly rushed to Kyon's side and helped him up slowly. She gasped at the small cut on the left side of his head.

"Are you okay?!" she asked fearfully.

Kyon groaned and held his head. "I'm okay, Tachibana. That cut was from when that freak tackled me. It just shredded my jacket. That thing scared the hell out of me! How'd you learn to handle a gun like that? Did your group train you for stuff like this?"

"Oh, this? Nope! Never used a gun in my life. I'm just a big fan of Duck Hunt!" grinned Kyouko as she cleaned up Kyon's scratch with a handkerchief.

Kyon facepalmed.

The conversation would have gone much longer if five more pterodactyl beasts hadn't came tearing out of the fog and started streaking towards them to avenge their fallen friend. Kyon and Kyouko started to scream, but stopped when they saw that rushing towards them on the street was another threat. It was in the form of eight hairless, demonic dogs with rotten brown skin and nasty looking teeth. Their tongues hung limply from their decaying jaws and they all wore fang-filled smiles that seemed to say, _"Snack time at last!"_.

Kyon and Kyouko darted inside the entrance of the complex and slammed the heavy wooden doors shut. Outside, the sound of starving howls and enraged screams drowned out all other sounds.

***

Kyon and Kyouko had succeeded into barricading the lobby doors with nearby chairs and leaned against a wall, panting. After the sounds from outside died down, the pair decided to explore the floors of the establishment. It was very dark inside the building, but thanks to a conveniently placed flashlight inside Kyon's jacket, they were able to have a temporary light source. As they climbed the stairs, Kyouko seemed to grow more and more disappointed when Sasaki didn't show up when her name was called. Likewise, Kyon was hoping that Imouto was hiding somewhere safe. He hoped she was with someone who could protect her like... Haruhi.

_No, she'd just get her into more trouble, Maybe Koizu... No, no, no. Asahina? No, the roles would be switched. Nagato. Yes. Definitely, Nagato. Unless she's in trouble too..._

They walked through the dimly lit second floor and began to peer inside each room. Some were locked, while others had the doors partially open. Kyouko approached a door labeled Room 202 and peered inside with Kyon hovering over her shoulder.

"Sasaki?" she called softly.

No sign of the supposed goddess, but there was a lovely-looking room with fancy furniture and a comfy bed. It was the perfect place to sit and relax.

...If one were to ignore the large amount of bug cages on the floor, the mass of fluttering moths in the air, and the bodies of dead butterflies lying on the bed. Kyon grabbed the doorknob and slammed it shut.

"HOLY CRAP!!!" shrieked Kyouko in terror.

"Might've been poisonous or something," he muttered to Kyouko, who now wore a disgusted look on her face.

Ignoring the room's ghastly contents, the pair continued past more rooms and up to the third floor. A single door was open at the end of the hallway. Swallowing hard, Kyon pushed the door open and peered inside. It was a fairly large room with a dead light bulb hanging from the ceiling.

"I'll check it out," said Kyon. "You wait here by the door and watch all right, Tachibana?"

Kyouko nodded and Kyon strolled into the room. There was small sink and pantry set in a little nook ahead of him. He waved the flashlight here and there, and peered around a corner on the right. There was a closet right next to him with one of those old wooden shutters instead of a door. As Kyon prayed nothing would jump out at him as he checked it out, Kyouko leaned against the doorframe. This place was creeping her out. Suddenly, a small creaking sound came from behind her.

"Anyone there?" Kyouko called. When she didn't get a response, she stepped out into the hall and looked around a bit. That's when she saw that the door across from the room they were in was open. Unable to resist temptation, Kyuoko left her post and looked inside.

There was a flash of white and blue in the darkness.

"Imouto?" said a confused Kyouko as she walked into the room. While this was going on, Kyon had found the closet to be empty- except for a small key which could prove useful later. He looked at the doorway and saw that Kyouko was gone.

"Tachibana?!" Kyon almost screamed. Nothing but silence greeted him. Then that silence was broken.

_Scrape, scrape, scrape..._

Startled, Kyon saw that the noise was coming from down the hall. he turned the flashlight towards the stairway and almost fainted.

The silhouette of a huge figure with a triangle-shaped head was coming up the stairs.

_Nonononononononononononononononono... Oh, sweet mother of lord, NO! Of all the things to run into, it had to be HIM! Where the fuck are you, Tachibana?!?! We have to leave now!!! RIGHT NOW!!!!!! _screamed Kyon's brain. He had prayed to god (Haruhi?) that he wouldn't meet this guy, but once again, he'd been screwed. It was the most iconic monster of all of Silent hill. The carrier of the sword-like Great Knife. The ruthless, lecherous, perverted, murderous...

Pyramid Head.

And now he was going to slaughter and possibly rape Kyon. Wonderful.

Scared out of his wits, Kyon decide to pull a James Sunderland, and hid in the closet. It worked in the game so it would work again, right? He hugged the back wall tightly as if his life depended on it (which it probably did). Kyon shut off his flashlight and sat on the floor trying to make himself as small as possible. To his terror, he heard the scraping draw nearer and he peered out through the cracks and made out the hulking figure's bloodstained apron in the darkness.

_At least Tachibana isn't here... _thought Kyon. He hoped that she was somewhere safe and that Pyramid Head hadn't gotten to her somehow. He began to think of his sister, Haruhi, and everyone else. Were they in danger too?

Unfortunately, whatever Kyon was going to think of next was interrupted by the closet door being flung open.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Kyon.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!" screamed Pyramid Head.

_Wait... I know that voice! _thought Kyon as he turned on the flashlight. It _was _Pyramid Head, but Kyon saw there some key differences. The being in front of him was much shorter than the original, the arms weren't as muscular, and the fingernails looked incredibly clean.

"Kyon? Is that you? Oh, thank goodness! I thought I was the only one here!" exclaimed the helmet-wearing creature. "Help me get out of this helmet! I can't see anything!"

Kyon moved to the side warily, while looking at the helmet. He recognized the voice, but couldn't due to the helmet's echo. After about five seconds of searching he spotted two latches on both sides and flipped them. There was a clicking sound the helmet started to slide forward. It landed on the floor with an audible 'THUD!'.

"Thank you, Kyon. I owe you for helping me. Sorry if I frightened you," said the person with a dazzling smile.

Kyon froze. He almost dropped the flashlight.

"What's wrong?" asked Ryoko, tilting her head to the side. "You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"Technically I have," said Kyon. "What are you doing here?! You're not trying to kill me again are you, Asakura?"

"Oh, Kyon! If I'd wanted to kill you, you'd already be dead!" Ryoko said cheerily, while leaning against the over-sized knife. "My superiors decided to give me a second chance at life and resurrected me. I've been monitoring Suzumiya's activities for months now. I harbor no ill will against you and Nagato if that's what you're insinuating."

Kyon relaxed, was still unnerved. "Oh. Well... congratulations."

"Thank you! So, where are we?"

Kyon gave Ryoko a condensed version of the situation at hand.

"Ahh. A video game. That makes sense."

"Yeah... Say, Asakura? Have you by any chance seen my sister around here?"

"Your sister? Is she a girl with brown hair and a blue and white dress?"

"Yes! Where is she?"

Ryoko's cheerful expression became one of sadness. "I'm sorry, Kyon. But I am unsure at the moment. I woke up in an alley in this outfit and as I stumbled out, I came across your sister. I tried to say something to her, but that stupid helmet prevented her from hearing me properly. She took one look at me and ran off. I followed her to this building and came in through the back. It's so dark that I've wandering around for who knows how long!"

"Maybe it would have helped if you put down the giant knife..." murmured Kyon.

"What did you say?" Ryoko asked, narrowing her eyes at Kyon.

Suddenly, Kyouko leapt into the room with a battle cry. She landed between Kyon and Ryoko and faced the blue-haired girl. She whipped out something from her holster.

"EAT THIS, MONSTER!!!"

"AIEEEEEEEEE!!! IT BURNS!!!"

"PUT DOWN THE PEPPER SPRAY, TACHIBANA!!!"

After he helped Ryoko wipe the stinging spray out of her eyes, Kyon decided to introduce her to Kyouko.

"Ryoko Asakura, meet Kyouko Tachibana the esper. Kyouko Tachibana, meet Ryoko Asakura the alien."

"Pleased to meet your acquaintance, Tachibana."

"Charmed. ...Sorry I maced you, Asakura. I thought you were a monster."

"That's all right it was an honest mistake."

"Well, now that that's settled," said Kyon, "Where were you, Tachibana?"

"Oh!" gasped Kyouko, "I saw your sister in another room!"

Kyon grew excited. "You did?! Where is she?! Is she okay?"

"I don't know. I saw something running around in the room across the hall and I checked it out. It was empty, but when I looked out the window, I saw her running across the parking lot!" explained Kyouko.

Kyon sighed and facepalmed. "Why can't she stay put? Do all kids in video games have to invoke a chase scene? Is it mandatory or something?!"

Ryoko opened her mouth to say something comforting, but stopped. She felt... itchy.

"Hey, Kyon is there something on my back?" Ryoko asked, spinning around. Kyon focused the light on the alien's back. That's when he saw a greenish-black beetle the size of a sneaker attached to her back. Its jagged mandibles clacked together. Then it scurried up Ryoko's neck.

"WOAH, A BUG!!!" shouted Kyon.

"AAAACCCCKKKK!!! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!" squealed Ryoko.

"Eat my fist, bug!" yelled Kyouko as she punched the bug off. It hit the floor and tried to run up Kyon's leg, but got flattened by his heel. Everyone sighed in relief. That's when something small hit the floor. There was a clicking sound soon after.

"Huh?" said Kyon as he spotted the object.

Another beetle. Another thud. A third. Five more thuds. Kyon, Ryoko, and Kyouko looked at each other and then at the ceiling.

It was covered in beetles.

Their greens backs shined in the flashlight's beam and every few seconds, one more detached from the ceiling and plopped onto the floor. Mingling among the beetles was another insect type. They were brown and resembled cockroaches. The main difference was that they were twice as large and had mouths that looked like the suckers of a leech. Drool flowed from their serrated teeth.

"Um, Asakura?" Kyouko asked with hint of fear in her voice, "Can you manipulate data in this world?"

"I'm afraid not. My power has been stripped because of this environment. What should we do, Kyon?" Ryoko questioned, paralyzed to her spot in the room with terror.

Kyon wasn't listening. He was staring at a particularly large cockroach-leech scuttling overhead. It stopped moving and rubbed its front legs together for a few seconds. Then it flung itself at his face.

"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!" screamed Kyon as he tore past the girls like his ass was on fire. Both followed his example and ran after him, screaming all the way (Ryoko grabbed her Great Knife on the way out). They ran down all three floors and didn't stop until they were outside the exit in the back. The trio leaned against the back wall and rested. Except for Kyon, who just started dancing around while slapping at his head and sides. After he was done rolling on the ground, he stared up the alien and esper next to him.

"I'm tired," said Kyon.

"I'm cold," said Kyouko.

"I'm horny," said Ryoko.

Then she saw the wide-eyed stares from Kyon and Kyouko.

"Well, I AM Pyramid Head," Ryoko huffed as if that justified her excuse.

Kyon groaned. He was stuck with a sex-hungry alien and a trigger-happy esper.

_I hope everyone else is okay... _he thought as he shut his eyes.

***

**At Brookhaven Hospital**

***

Fujiwara scowled angrily at his gurgling opponents. Several feet away from him was a group of nine creatures that resembled nurses. From a distance, they resembled the staff that would gladly help out a patient in need. Up close was a whole different story.

The three in front of him wore green cardigans and white blouses with matching skirts. Their dark blonde hair hung about their sullen faces and each of them clutched a small knife in their hands. The most eye-catching feature with each nurse was that a pulsating, red, slug-like growth sat atop each of their backs, giving them a hunchbacked appearance.

The group next to his left stood upright on their swaying legs and had their own distinct look. They wore filth stained uniforms with low-cut blouses that had the first several buttons undone to display their cleavage. Most noticeable were their faces, which were bent at an angle and completely swollen beyond recognition. Each of the nurses carried a steel pipe in their hand and twitched sporadically.

The trio to Fujiwara's right was almost similar to the second group, but their skin and outfits were colored in a shade that resembled rust. Their surgical mask-covered heads bent the opposite way as well. All three were armed with syringes that were filled with some green substance that the time-traveler did NOT want to find the identity of.

Fujiwara expected a lot of things in his profession. He was always prepared. But waking up in a hospital, dressed in a business suit was something he had not counted on. Nor did he count on the red-headed girl huddled behind him dressed as a nurse clinging to his shoulder for dear life. He hadn't seen that coming.

He glanced down to stare at the butterfly knife that had come along with him. It was his favorite toy. Looking back up, he saw that the monstrous nurses had formed a semi-circle around them. Mikuru whimpered in fear.

The odds were pretty grim.

And that's how Fujiwara liked them.

Quick as lightening he struck out and jammed his knife into the underside of one of the hunchbacked nurse's necks. She gave out a grunt and tried to counter, but a vicious kick to her abdomen put an end to that. She fell backwards and gurgled from her place on the floor. Then she became still.

Mikuru stopped crying and stared awestruck at the sight. The other nurses didn't share her opinion and closed in, hissing and convulsing all the way. Fujiwara grinned.

_I might as well show off for her, while I'm at it..._

"So..." Fujiwara mockingly asked as the nurses shuffled forward, "Which one of you sluts is up next?"

***

**At the Central Square Shopping Center...**

***

"So... we're in Silent Hill? Cool!"

"It would seem so."

Walking through the abandoned shopping center was Haruhi and Itsuki. The former was dressed in a white sweater, an orange shirt, and a green skirt. The latter was clad in a brown vest, brown pants, and a white shirt. For some odd reason, Itsuki was wearing a pair of reading glasses.

"Have you seen anyone else, Koizumi? Mikuru, Yuki, or Kyon?"

"No. Just you, Miss Suzumiya."

"I see."

"Maybe they're not here at all. It might be just the two us. And if it's not, then I bet the others are somewhere safe! Kyon will look out for them."

".....Okay. He'd better."

They had been walking around for a few hours ever since Itsuki had found Haruhi asleep behind the counter of some fast food stand called "Happy Burger". After being awoken, she declared that the two of them try to find out where they were. Neither of them knew where they were until Haruhi had seen the shops and the large fountain in the middle of the center. Her suspicions were confirmed when they saw a tattered map pinned on a bulletin board.

"Where did you wake up, Koizumi?" Haruhi asked as they neared a sporting goods store.

"I awoke in a shoe store that was closed. The door wasn't locked so I headed out side to see if anyone was around. I thought I was alone until I heard your snoring, Miss Suzumiya," smiled Itsuki.

Haruhi blushed. "Oh. Well, let's go into that sporting goods store and grab what we can. They're might be monsters running around outside! We'll need stuff to blow them away!"

"Yes, Miss Suzumiya."

They easily opened the door and saw that the place was devoid of any people or creatures. Haruhi spotted a case containing some handguns, rifles, and a shotgun. They were some hunting knives nearby by as well.

Haruhi gave Itsuki a stare that meant business and said, "Let's grab what we need."

Ten minutes later, the goddess and the esper left the store stocked with weaponry in their hands and pockets. Itsuki held a first-aid kit under his left arm. They made their way towards the glass doors that marked the building's exit and walked out. An empty street filled with fog greeted them. Familiar structures loomed in the distance.

"Wait a minute," said Haruhi. "I just remembered something. This mall wasn't built anywhere near the original Silent Hill. It was in a different town in 3! They're supposed to be an hour's drive away from each other!"

"Yes, that is odd..." Itsuki said in a thoughtful tone. After a moment of silence, they began to walk away from the exit when Haruhi turned towards Itsuki with a question on her mind.

"You think Kyon will be all right... without me to watch him?" Haruhi asked, tacking on the last part.

Itsuki put on his best smile. "I'm sure Kyon can manage by himself for awhile. He's quite durable."

"Yeah," scoffed Haruhi, "Let's see if we can find Yuki or Mikuru first. Kyon can take care of himself... for a bit."

They hadn't gone very far when suddenly, Haruhi doubled over and almost dropped the shotgun she was carrying. She began to cough violently. Itsuki quickly rushed to her side in a heartbeat.

"Are you okay, Miss Suzumiya?!" he asked in a panic.

Haruhi stood up and gripped her stomach with her left hand. "I'm fine, Koizumi. It's nothing. Just had a weird pain in my gut for a second. C'mon, we're wasting time! Let's go find the others!"

And so the two teens left Central Square Shopping Center and entered town. Completely unaware that many others were waking up to find themselves in similar situations...

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: I love foreshadowing. Mwa ha ha ha!**

**In case anyone is curious...**

**Kyon- Harry Mason**

**Imouto- Cheryl Mason**

**Yuki- ****Alessa Gillespie**

**Kyouko- Cybil Bennet**

**Ryoko- Pyramid Head**

**Fujiwara- ****Dr. Michael Kaufmann**

**Mikuru- Lisa Garland**

**Itsuki-Vincent**

**Haruhi- Heather Mason**

**And creatures in order of appearance: Air Screamer, Groaner, Creeper, Swarm, Puppet Nurse, Bubble Head Nurse, Faceless Nurse. **

**I won't be taking requests for awhile until I finish my current projects. I will fulfill some stuff ObsidianWarrior and JonBob0008 asked for so don't despair.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!**


	51. Over the Hill: Part 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Here's the second part. Let's see if the gang can flee Silent Hill. Or not. **

**And once again, I shatter the fourth wall. I'm not really here in person. I'm just the bloody writing on the wall.**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Part Two: Rape, Childhood Trauma, and Dormant Gods, Oh My!:**

*******

**Lakeside Amusement Park**

*******

"Now let me get this straight. This world was brought to life by Haruhi Suzumiya?"

"Yes, indeed, Mr. President."

"And you've lost your data manipulation powers?"

"That is correct.

"...Lovely."

The Student Council President was a rather simple guy. He liked simple things and had a simple job. Unfortunately, said job required him to work for a shadowy organization that dealt with an insane goddess that was currently giving him grief by transporting him into a video game. At least she was kind enough to provide him with a nifty hat and warm trench coat. It was freakishly cold in this creepy as hell amusement park.

Oh, well. At least his trusty secretary was with him.

"So, Kimidori..." the black-haired boy said slowly, "What are we going to do?"

"Well, I thought that if we walked around this park a little more, we might find someone to help us. But since this is the third time we've passed that carousel, I think we might be lost," Emiri said with that gentle smile of hers. For unknown reasons, Emiri was wearing an old-fashioned black dress that one would usually see on the Amish. She was also barefoot.

"We're lost... Well, isn't that just fan-fucking-tastic!" growled TSCP, kicking a soda can. He instantly regretted saying that since it made Emiri frown. He didn't like seeing her unhappy.

"Sorry, I... snapped at you..." he said, staring at the ground in embarrassment. Emiri smiled again and shuffled closer to him. Much better.

"Hey!" said the alien, "What's that on the bench?"

TSCP looked up and saw that Emiri was pointing a wooden bench in the distance. There was a dark figure sitting upon it. Excited that someone might know where they were, the two rushed over to the sitting figure.

"Excuse me, sir or madam!" said Emiri, "But would you happen to know where we- OH!"

"What the crap?!" said a disgusted President.

Sitting on the bench wasn't a person, but a large, pink, and creepy-looking cartoon bunny costume. It's faded blue overalls were caked with dirt, and its lifeless maroon eyes stared back at them. Perhaps the most disturbing aspect was its blood-soaked mouth. It's nametag read 'Hi! My name is Robbie the Rabbit!'.

"How awful.." Emiri said sadly, imagining the poor sap who'd met his end in that suit.

"How nauseating," gagged TSCP. "Let's just turn back and-"

That's when Robbie turned his head towards them and stood up.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" shrieked TSCP and Emiri.

"Calm down, calm down, it's me!" yelled Robbie as he reached up, took off his own head, and tossed it aside.

TSCP blinked several times in surprise. "Aren't you the President of the Computer Club?"

"Yes, I am," replied TCCP, "And what are you guys doing in MY dream?"

Emiri seemed confused. "Your dream?"

"Yeah. Isn't this Silent Hill? I've been trying to wake up for who knows how long in this freaky rabbit getup that smells like ketchup! So I finally sat down to rest. How come you two are here?"

"It's a... long story. Why don't you come with us. We're trying to find a way out of here as well."

"Oh, thank you so much, Kimidori! You won't regret this!"

In thanks, TCCP gave Emiri a grateful hug, which she returned in thanks. TSCP looked noticeably miffed. As he turned away scowling, something on the ground caught his eye. Some sort of black puddle.

"Hey. What's that?"

Emiri and TCCP turned around and both said, "Wha-"

They never got to finish their sentence, for a large black portal opened under their feet and swallowed all three of them whole.

They never even got a chance to cry out.

***

**Neely's Bar**

***

Kunikida wasn't sure what the hell was going on. He'd been in his bed dreaming about normal things for a teenage boy, like girls, when he noticed how hard his bed had become. When the friendly boy woke up, he saw the reason was he was NOT sleeping in the comfort of his own room, but on the floor of a bar. And for some reason Taniguchi, Tsuruya, and Kyon's sister's friend, Miyoko, were also in the bar with him. They were just as confused as he was.

Even weirder was the fact that Kunikida was wearing clothes that he was pretty sure didn't even belong to him. He didn't own a green jacket like this, and he was pretty sure that Taniguchi didn't have a striped shirt and baseball cap, Tsuruya didn't own such a revealing red shirt and mini-skirt, and as far as he knew, Miyoko MIGHT have a corduroy dress at her house. But that didn't matter right now. What mattered now was the group of monsters that were trying to kill them.

"What the hell are these things?!" shouted Taniguchi as he swung a chair at bipedal beast that resembled a female human torso, clad in what looked like a leotard made from putrid skin. Instead of having arms, two more legs jutted from its shoulders. No head was visible. The chair made contact and it fell to the floor, only to nimbly leap up again. It rubbed its arm-legs in a fashion similar to a praying mantis. Six more of its friends loomed behind it. Kunikida chucked a stool at the gang in hopes of slowing them down.

"A little help over here!" called Tsuruya, swinging a broken bottle as Miyoko clung to her side. Tsuruya was currently warding off three beasts that looked like men trapped in straightjackets made of rotting skin. They shambled towards the genki girl slowly as if pain. Then the one in front opened its slit-like mouth and...

"LOOK OUT!!!" Kuinkida shouted as he pulled the girls away. Just as he did, the straightjacket thing exhaled a cloud of acidic mist at where they had been standing moments ago. The foursome moved to the bar's counter and watched in fear as the monsters closed in on them.

"This is SO not how my dream of smoked cheese was supposed to turn out, nyoro!" snarled Tsuruya as she kicked one of the leg-monsters in its 'face'.

"I'm scared!" cried Miyoko burying her head into Tsuruya's chest.

"I'm scared too!" whined Taniguchi, shoving his head into the nape of Tsuruya's neck. The green-haired girl looked quite peeved, but decided to say nothing. Kunikida debated whether they should just make a dash for the exit or run around the creatures to get to the front.

"Okay, guys, here's the plan. We'll- What?" asked Kunikida as he noticed that his three companions were staring at something on the floor. Out of curiosity he looked down just as the monsters lunged at them.

"Huh. I didn't see that there before. Weird."

And then the black portal gulped them down like ice cream, leaving the confused manifestations of sexual frustration and entrapment wondering where their prey had gone.

***

**Room 302**

***

Kyon was having a wonderful dream about how he Haruhi, Yuki, and Mikuru had confessed their undying love for him after a meteor the size of a golf ball had fallen from the sky and killed Itsuki. Just as they were all about to make out on his corpse, something tapped him on the shoulder.

"Whuzzat...? Whaaa..."

"Ahh, Kyon! You're awake!" spoke a peaceful voice.

"Koizumi?"

Speak of the smiling devil.

"So, you've finally woken up? Eh, sleeping beauty?" snickered an energetic voice.

"Haruhi?"

Kyon sat up in an effort to get Itsuki's face out of his personal space, and almost bumped his head against Haruhi who'd been hovering a few feet away. Kyon took a second to take in his surroundings. He was sitting on a couch in a small apartment with several other people. He could see that along with Itsuki and Haruhi there was also Ryoko, Kyouko, Fujiwara, Mikuru, Emiri, TCCP, TSCP, Kunikida, Taniguchi, Tsuruya, Miyoko (who was playing with Imouto to his relief), and...

"Kuyou Suou?" said a startled Kyon. The long-haired extraterrestrial was sitting on a wooden chair a few feet from Kyon's place on the couch. She was wearing a white veil-like headdress on her head and a red ceremonial dress. Like Emiri, Kuyou was also barefoot.

"How did... How did we get here?" Kyon groggily asked.

"Well," piped up Ryoko from her place next to Itsuki, "We were behind the apartment building resting. You were on the ground with your eyes closed so you were probably asleep. Tachibana and I were going to wake you up when this black hole in the ground opened up beneath us. We fell through the hole that turned out to be summoned by Suou. She's managed to somehow to control certain aspects of the town due to the character she's portraying."

"That's correct," agreed Itsuki. "We've all been waiting for you to wake up so we can decide on how to escape from this place."

"It was because of Suou and my new powers that we were all able to reunite once again," spoke a familiar voice that made Kyon whirl around. He smiled at the person sitting at the foot of the couch wearing a blue dress with a white collar.

"Hey, Nagato," greeted Kyon happily. The alien gave him an approving nod.

"You're awake, Kyon!" cheered Imouto as ran to Kyon's side a gave him a huge hug that he returned.

"Well, now that all of the pleasantries are out of the way, can we discuss getting as far away from this place as we possibly can?" snapped Fujiwara.

"How can you say such a thing?!" wailed Kyouko dramatically. "Sasaki is still missing and we haven't found her! Who knows what trials she must be enduring?! Can't you find her, Kuyou?"

"____I______am unable to_____locate Sasaki as________of now," droned Kuyou.

"Neither am I," said Yuki much to Kyouko's disappointment.

"Maybe she got eaten by a monster!" laughed Haruhi. The devoted Sasaki-worshipper was in her face in less than a second.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!!"

"I'm... sorry?"

"Good."

Fujiwara and the TSCP both exchanged looks that said, _"Woah..."_.

"Wait. I am feeling Sasaki's presence," stated Yuki suddenly. "She is approaching our location swiftly. She will be here-"

There was a knock at the door which spooked everyone.

"Now," finished Yuki. Haruhi nudged Mikuru in the side, and the mascot-nurse slowly made her way to the door. Gulping she opened the door. Everyone braced themselves.

"S-Sasaki?" Mikuru weakly called.

"Yes?" came an tranquil voice from behind the door. Kyouko bolted to the door and wrapped her arms around Sasaki who was wearing a pink and yellow-striped tank top and a blue skirt.

"OH, SASAKI!!! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!!!" gushed the esper.

"Glad to see you as well, Kyouko..." Sasaki managed to say despite being suffocated. "Oh. Hello, everyone!"

Everyone either waved or said their greetings to Sasaki who stepped gingerly into the room. Haruhi stepped up to her.

"Hey, Sasaki!" Haruhi said in a voice that could best be described as cheery, "How did you get here? And past all those monsters? Did you have a really big gun?"

"Actually, no, " answered Sasaki, "I woke up in a subway station and was completely lost. Then I went through this forest and even this school. I almost gave up searching for help until he found me. He's been quite helpful to me."

Kyon raised an eyebrow. "He?"

"Yes," said Sasaki, pointing over her shoulder. Everyone watched in surprise as a rather tall man wearing a blue jacket covered in bloodstains came in through the door. His hair was a mess of filthy dreadlocks and his pants were tattered and caked with mud. Despite his appearance, he gave them all a charming smile that caused the hair on the back of their necks to stand on end.

"Ummm, who's your friend, Sasaki?" Kyon asked cautiously.

Sasaki smiled. "His name? He said his name is Walter. Walter Sullivan. Say hello to everyone, Walter."

"Hello, everyone," drawled Walter, grinning creepily the entire time. Everyone shrank back away from him. Even Haruhi looked scared out of her wits. Kyon noticed that her left hand was now moved over her heart as if to protect it.

"I don't get it," said TCCP. "Who's Walter Sullivan?"

Kunikida moved over to the blondish boy and whispered in his ear. A few seconds later, TCCP's face turned an unnatural shade of white. He'd never look the same way at a spoon again. Meanwhile, Walter had shuffled over to a wall on the north side of the room. He cast a lovingly look at it and began to fondly caress its surface.

"Oh, mother..." he crooned softly, "I'll never leave you alone again..."

Everyone just stared.

"___Creepy...___" muttered Kuyou.

"So.... anybody got any ideas on how to get out of here?" asked Haruhi. "We can't stay in this apartment forever, and I wasted a lot of my ammo on those stupid dog things outside."

"What about... the window? We could go out along the fire escape and get on top of the roof," suggested Kyon.

Yuki shook her head. "That option is ill advised. We cannot leave the apartment without attracting their attention."

Kyon blinked. "What do you mean by 'their'?"

Yuki pointed over Kyon's shoulder and he turned to look. He almost had a heart attack. Perched on the ledge outside the window were dozen of minute creatures that looked like green-grey hummingbirds. On closer inspection, Kyon saw that their wings were weren't the feathery wings of a bird, but the leathery black wings of a bat. Occasionally, they'd emit a buzzing sound akin to a fly's. Their needle-like beaks tapped against the glass periodically. Kyon backed _very _far away from the window.

Haruhi snorted. "Those little pricks have been checking us out for an hour. We tried to scare them away, but they keep flying back."

The group sat around trying to come up with a plan. After a few minutes, Tsuruya's loud voice broke the silence.

"Hey, guys! Look! There's something on the wall!" yelled Tsuruya. Everyone (except Walter who was too busy with his wall) turned to Tsuruya and saw that she was pointing at the wall near the front door. Something red was materializing on it. They looked like...

"Letters in... b-blood?" stammered Taniguchi. "Is this place haun- You know what? Forget I said anything."

"It looks like someone is trying to talk to us," said Kunikida as inched he towards the wall. Everyone watched as the writing continued, but Kunikida's body blocked most of it. Nobody dared to come closer to the possibly possessed wall.

After awhile, Haruhi spoke up. "So, Kunikida? What does it say?"

"Haruhi Suzumiya smells," said Kunikida.

"WHAAAT?!" roared Haruhi grabbing the poor boy by the collar. "How dare you!"

"But that's what it says!" cried Kunikida in terror. He got out of the way so that everyone could look at the wall. There was silence. Which was then broken by Kyon, Tsuruya, Taniguchi, TCCP, and Fujiwara's full-blown laughter. Even Mikuru and Sasaki giggled. Written on the wall was the message:

**HARUHI SUZUMIYA SMELLS**

"SHUT THE HELL UP EVERYONE!!!" snarled Haruhi. Then the writing continued and Haruhi got even madder.

**HARUHI SUZUMIYA SMELLS LIKE AN ELEPHANT'S BUTT :)**

Everyone laughed harder.

"Oh, man!" chortled TSCP. "A ghost with a sense of humor. Priceless."

"BASTARD!!" growled Haruhi, kicking at the wall in fury.

"What's the matter, Haruhi?" chuckled Kyon. "Can't take a little name-calling?"

Then the letters changed shape and turned into different words. Haruhi took one look at the new message and stated to laugh her ass off. Confused, Kyon glanced at the wall and his face fell.

**KYON IS A PORRIDGE-BRAIN :P**

"Hey!" yelled Kyon. Itsuki laughed which caused Kyon to glower at him. There was a flash of lighting that lit up the room. Everyone gasped (except Yuki and Kuyou). The walls were covered with various messages written in blood. Among them were such gems as:

**MIKURU IS A FILTHY TEASE**

**YUKI IS A L33T NERD**

**ITSUKI IS HARUHI'S BITCH**

**RYOKO IS A BLANTANT WHORE**

**TSURUYA IS A SUBTLE WHORE**

**SASAKI, KUYOU, AND KYOUKO ARE 'TRY TO BE SUBTLE BUT UNTIMELY FAIL AT IT' WHORES**

**FUJIWARA LOOKS LIKE THE BOOGEYMAN'S GRANDFATHER**

**THE COMPUTER CLUB PRESIDENT IS A VIRGIN-FOR-LIFE**

**THE STUDENT COUNCIL PRESIDENT IS THE LOVE CHILD OF SETO KAIBA AND KYOUYA OOTORI**

**KUNIKIDA AND EMIRI, NO ONE LOVES YOU**

**TANIGUCHI, YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES**

**MIYOKO AND IMOUTO ARE HOT**

Then the words disappeared. No one said anything for a few minutes.

"I must say, whoever wrote those is a douche," said Sasaki.

"Who the hell is Kyouya Ootori?!" shouted TSCP.

"I'll explain to you later, sir," said Emiri, placing a gentle arm on the TSCP's shoulder.

Suddenly, more writing showed up on the wall. Except this time the print was smaller. Everyone leaned in for a closer look.

_**If you wish to escape Silent Hill and save Haruhi from her fate, please follow my instructions.**_

"What does it mean by 'my fate'? What's going on here?" asked Haruhi. It was at that exact moment that Kyon realized which Silent Hill character Haruhi was portraying.

"Ummm, Haruhi... I don't know how to tell you this, but... have you have been having stomach pains since we got here?" asked Kyon.

Haruhi blinked. "Come to think of it, yeah. I've been having these weird pains every once in awhile. I think it's probably something I ate. Why are you asking?"

"Err..." Kyon walked up to Haruhi and leaned in close to her ear. He started whispering something to her. After a bit, Haruhi's eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped open.

"Excuse me......? ARE YOU SAYING I'M PREGNANT?!?!" screamed Haruhi in complete shock. Kyon nodded sadly.

"WITH WHAT?!?!"

"A... demon. In Silent Hill 3 the main character, Heather Mason, gets a demonic fetus implanted inside of her that becomes the final boss. If we don't remove it, it'll possess you, Haruhi. Or burst out of you. I don't know."

"HOLY CRAP!!!"

"Calm down, Haruhi!"

"You calm down! I've got the spawn of Satan nesting in my gut! I have the right to panic! Get it out of me! THAT'S AN ORDER!!!"

Haruhi started to hyperventilate so Mikuru and Itsuki had pull up a chair for her to sit down in. She looked quite pale and her breathing was starting to slow down. Then Haruhi's expression brightened.

"Wait a minute! I just remembered something!" shouted Haruhi. "The cure that gets rid of the demon is inside of a locket that's..."

Haruhi looked down and her face fell.

"Not around my neck..."

"Calm down, Miss Suzumiya. We'll get through this somehow," soothed Itsuki.

"Hey, everybody! More writing!" chirped Miyoko, which got everyone's attention.

More red letters had begun to appear on the wall. Now the words read, _**To banish the demon from inside your friend's body, you must use the **__**Aglaophotis. To obtain it, go into hole in the bathroom. You will find the exit there as well. Don't bother going outside. Seriously. Don't. Those birds will fuck up your shit like no one's business. Got it? Good. Now, have a nice life. ^_^**_

"Oh, what a cute face!" cooed Mikuru, looking at the happy face written in blood.

"Aglaophotis? Sounds like that's what we need," said Itsuki.

Out of curiosity, Ryoko ambled over to the bathroom in the hallway and peered in. "Hey, guys? You should really come take a look at this. Like right now."

The teens all came over to the bathroom and looked inside as well. Several jaws dropped. The bathroom (which had been filled with pretty white tiling a moment ago) now had red, fleshy, pulsating walls on every side of them. Little tentacles were sticking out of the showerhead. The bathtub was filled with blood. The toilet was laughing at them. And a shimmering black portal had appeared on the wall near the sink.

"Wow. Now I really don't have to use the bathroom anymore, " said Tsuruya.

"Well? Who wants to go down the creepy-ass portal first?" deadpanned Fujiwara.

"The portal is perfectly safe," murmured Yuki. And before anyone could stop her, Yuki walked forwards and vanished into its depths.

"__I am detecting__no_____hostilities,___" buzzed Kuyou, disappearing shortly after.

"Wow! That looks like fun! Let's go, Miyoko!" Imouto laughed as she ran into the portal hand-in-hand with her friend.

"SIS!!! Come back here!" shouted Kyon as he darted in after her.

"Wait for me, Kyon!" yelled Haruhi, rushing off after him. The rest of the group looked at each in uncertainty.

"Should we follow them?" asked TCCP.

Itsuki shrugged. "Well, it's either that or wait around here with..."

They all cast a glance at Walter, who was now peppering his wall with big, sloppy kisses.

"Never again, mother... Never again..." he sobbed hysterically.

"Wow. And they thought I was insane! That guy is nuts! Out of my way!" screamed Ryoko as she leaped into the hole in the wall.

"Come, Sasaki!" yelled Kyouko, lugging the poor girl along. "Let's find our way back home. I shall protect you from everything at all costs!"

"Kyouko... You're hurting me..." Sasaki said weakly as they vanished. Fujiwara muttered something about women and followed them.

Taniguchi slung an arm around Kunikida and grinned. "C'mon, Kunikida! Let's get out of here and see what perils await us! Whaddaya say?"

"Eh, sure," Kunikida said dully, not really caring about where they were going. There was a shout of 'YAHOO!' behind them, and then Tsuruya barreled in and took them both in with her.

"Let's go now. Shall we?" Emiri asked sweetly. She took TCCP and TSCP's hands into her own and followed the others. She didn't seem to see the hateful glares they were shooting at each other. This left Itsuki and Mikuru all alone in the bathroom.

"Uhhh... WAIT FOR ME EVERBODY!!!" squealed Mikuru, racing off after her friends. Itsuki was now by himself.

"Great!" he said happily to no one in particular. A moment later, he was gone too.

Now the only one left was Walter. He continued to hug, kiss, and whisper sweet nothings to the grey plaster in front of him. Then he saw that some bloody words were appearing next to him on its surface. Squinting, Walter saw that they spelled out a message meant for him.

**WALTER SULLIVAN IS A MAMA'S BOY XD**

Walter stepped back in complete and utter shock.

"Mother!" he gasped, "HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING?!?!"

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**A/N: The conclusion next chapter! Will our intrepid heroes escape Silent Hill? Or was it really all a dream? ...No, it wasn't.**

**That Robbie ketchup bit is a reference from the Wii game Elebits. Robbie makes a cameo in its amusement park level and his in-game profile says, ****"He loves ketchup. (That's not blood!)". LOL.**

**And once again:**

**Student Council President- Douglas Cartland **

**Emiri- Claudia Wolf**

**Computer Club President- Robbie the Rabbit**

**Taniguchi- Eddie ****Dombrowski**

**Kunikida- James Sunderland**

**Miyoko- Lauren **

**Tsuruya- Maria**

**Kuyou- ****Dahlia Gillespie**

**Sasaki- Eileen Galvin (they look the same too...)**

**And Walter Sullivan as himself. 0_0**

**Monsters: Mannequin, Lying Figure, Mothbat. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!**


	52. Over the Hill: Part 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Would've uploaded this yesterday, but my computer was being a little prick. **

**Finally! The conclusion... of this mini-arc. I'm nowhere hear done with the main story. Isn't that scary?**

**I had absolutely no idea that the wall stuff last chapter would be so well received. So here you all go. More blood on the walls! ...Actually it's on a pole. And a creepy phone call! And for you Nintendo enthusiasts, a reference to Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door. Enjoy. **

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Part Three: Rape, Childhood Trauma, and Dormant Gods, Oh My!:**

Haruhi glanced up to see if they had made any progress. After they had entered the black portal, they had found themselves in some weird dimension that was completely white. It was pretty creepy and cool at the same time. They had all arrived on a giant metal platform floating above the bottomless void with a spiral staircase leading upwards. It looked like it was their only way out since the portal disappeared after Itsuki came through. So they started to climb the stairs with Yuki and Kuyou taking the lead.

For ten whole minutes.

"How much longer?" whined Haruhi, who was feeling a little woozy. Having a demonic fetus nap in your womb tends to do that to a girl.

"Not much," said Yuki. Everyone groaned simultaneously. That was the sixth time Yuki had said that. And the longer they took, the whiter Haruhi's skin turned. Nobody had said anything for awhile. The only one trying to make any conversation was the pole. Going up the middle of the spiral staircase was a gigantic bloodstained pole made out of metal. It stretched from the void's bottom to its top and seemed to go on forever. Occasionally, little words and symbols would reveal themselves in the mess. Kyon glanced over and saw a game of Tic-tac-toe being played beside him. There was also a dead Pikachu, Mr. Game and Watch doing the Caramelldansen, and the Awesome Smiley with the eyes stabbed out. The pole was close enough for any of them to reach out and touch it. But none of them did.

Because it was covered in blood.

And that's just nasty.

"You think it's alive?" Mikuru fearfully asked. As in response, the red swirls made a message for her to read.

**MIKURU... I LUV U :3**

"Awww! That's really sweet..."

Kyon spun around, face aghast.

"IT'S WRITTEN IN BLOOD, MISS ASAHINA!!!"

"...Oh."

They continued their trek up the staircase. During which some more words slowly appeared.

**SASAKI. KYOUKO. FUJIWARA IS STARING AT YOUR ASSES.**

Both girls spun around and gave Fujiwara an accusing look. The time-traveler simply shrugged.

"Sleaze..." growled Sasaki.

"Oh, come on. Like there's anything else to look at. Plus that short skirt of yours leaves very little to the imagination," defended Fujiwara.

"It _certainly_ does!" grinned Kyouko. Sasaki then proceeded to move very _far_ away from Kyouko. Shortly after that they continued further up the steps. Kyon eventually decided to carry Imouto on his shoulders, and Haruhi was nice enough to hold Miyoko. The treaded further up and then Yuki spoke up.

"Just a little more."

Everyone looked up and saw that Yuki was right. The stairs went up a few more feet and seemed to end at large metal platform identical to the one they had started on. The group rushed up the stairs with renewed vigor. Then TSCP broke the silence.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Everyone turned and saw that he was shaking a first at the pole and gritting his teeth. They soon saw why.

**HOW ARE YUGI AND TAMAKI DOING? **

"I don't know who the second guy is, but when I find out, I'm gonna kick your ethereal ass, you stupid wall!" threatened TSCP.

**I'M A POLE, DUMBASS**

The glasses-wearing boy said a few words not fit for Imouto and Miyoko's ears, before he was shushed by Emiri.

"Hey, guys, look!" said Taniguchi. "The writing is getting really weird."

"Huh? You're right..." mused Kyon. It seemed that the higher they went, the more insane and depraved the writing got. It was as if they had reached the pinnacle of insanity. Now written upon the pole's rusty surface were many crazed messages.

**RING RING RING RING RING RING RING BANANAPHONE!**

**APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!**

**YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND**﻿ **BABY RIGHT ROUND, LIKE A RECORD BABY RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND!**

**IF YOU NEED INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO DIE, CHECK OUT THE ENCLOSED INSTRUCTION BOOK!**

**I SURVIVED ENDLESS EIGHT, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT...**

"Oh, it wasn't THAT bad!" complained Haruhi.

**IT WAS, YOU LIAR! :(**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!"

After about two minutes of running the group made it to the top. The platform looked sturdy and wide enough to support everyone's weight so the teens crowded upon it to rest. It was as large as the SOS clubroom and had handrails along the sides to prevent anyone one from going over. It was complete bare except for a...

"___Phone,___" said Kuyou, pointing straight ahead like a bloodhound from a cartoon. Sticking out the guardrails was metallic legless table with a phone on it. Not a modern phone, but one of those old phones with that wheel on it you have to turn, like in the movies your grandparents watched. It wasn't even plugged into anything for power. There was a small scrap of paper with some numbers on it lying beside it.

"Go answer it, Kyon," ordered Haruhi. Kyon groaned and slowly approached the phone like it was a rattlesnake. He gingerly picked it up and handed the number to Yuki.

"Read me the number. Okay, Nagato?"

"Yes. 123-456-7890."

"You're kidding me..."

"I am not kidding.

"..."

So Kyon dialed the seemingly made-up number. It was especially difficult, since he kept messing up with the wheel dealie, but he got the numbers through in the end. To his surprise, there was a ringing and then the sound on a phone being picked up. Everyone heard it as well and leaned in close to listen in on the conversation that would free them from this torment.

"Hello?" Kyon nervously asked. "Who is this?"

"**I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari Kiri Rock. I need scissors! 61!**"said a man on the other end of the line. Then he hung up. Kyon turned to everyone with a 'WTF' expression on his face. Everyone else mirrored his expression.

"Who the hell was that?" asked Haruhi.

"I have no idea," Kyon said honestly.

"Oh. I misread the number, everyone. How silly of me," Yuki said without any humor in her voice. "It's actually 123-456-78910."

"What?!" shouted Kyon, "That can't be right... It sounds like it was made up by a six-year old!"

"Kyon, we're in Silent Hill. Every monster here looks like a vagina. I'm sure one extra number in a phone number isn't going to be any weirder than the crap we've seen," commented Itsuki.

"Huh. I guess you make a valid point, Koizumi," admitted Kyon, redialing the number. Seconds later there was signal on the other end. There was silence on the other end, and then...

"**Hello?**" rasped a deep voice on the other end.

"Ummm..." Kyon hadn't really thought about what to say so he took a stab in the dark. "We're looking for something called the Agla-"

"**Oh! Mmmm hmmm hoo ha ha! You're the first contestants I've heard from in awhile. To come all the way up here, you must want the cure and the way out of here then? And if THAT'S the case, you must compete against me in a quiz,**" explained the voice rather jollily. Kyon didn't expect this. And by the looks of Haruhi and everyone else, neither did they. A quiz of all things? This wasn't Jeopardy!

"Hold on a-"

"**Answer each question correctly and I'll award you with several wonderful prizes! However...**" the voice chuckled darkly. "**Get just **_**one **_**wrong, and you and your little posse will suffer a terrible fate. And by 'terrible', I mean awful**."

Mikuru started to whimper.

"**Mmmm hmmm hoo ha ha! So? What are you going to do?**" challenged the mystery voice. Kyon could have sworn it, but it sounded as though an audience was excitedly murmuring in the background. There was no choice.

"Fine. I'll take you on!" answered Kyon.

The voice grew elated. "**Mmmm hmmm hoo ha ha! You're in for it now!**"

Suddenly, an upbeat jazzy tune complete with whooping cheers began to pour out of the phone and a puddle of blood appeared on the small table. Before anyone could hope to make sense of the situation, the voice spoke up again.

"**Hey, HEY, ladies and germs! Welcome, everybody, to the 666th Super Fun Quirk Quiz! Put on your thinking caps and get ready to play! If you, my friend, can answer three questions correctly in a row, you win! For every correct answer you give, I shall give you a wondrous prize! BUT... give just even **_**one**_** wrong answer, and a cruel and unusual fate awaits to nip at your flesh! So... ready, pretty boy~?**" the voice coyly asked.

"JUST GET ON WITH IT!!!" roared everyone.

"**Heartless punks...**" sighed the voice. "**Now... the first question! What is the name of the cure?**"

The blood puddle in front of Kyon formed itself into letters and words. A multiple choice test. Kyon looked down at his choices.

**A. Tylenol **

**B. ****Aglaophotis**

**C. Algasetzer**

**D. Alzheimer's**

"It's B. Aglaophotis," Kyon said confidently.

"**Crud!**" snarled the voice. "**Fine. Here's your cure. Go nuts and overdose.**"

A wooden box that hadn't been there a second ago appeared on the table. Haruhi came up and took the box in her hands. Cautiously, she popped it open and looked inside. Laying in some cotton at the bottom was a tiny red pill.

"Excellent work, Kyon! You get 400 points!" congratulated Haruhi. Kyon shrugged awkwardly. Everyone watched in silence as Haruhi took the pill and swallowed it in one gulp. In an instant, Haruhi's skin returned to its former color. She looked better than ever.

"Hey!" Haruhi said happily, "My stomach feels a lot bet-"

And then Haruhi spewed all over the railing. Her friends watched in horror as a squirming, red, slug-like thing slithered out of Haruhi's mouth. It fell from her maw and plummeted into the abyss without a sound. Haruhi stepped back , breathing heavily.

"Well... that was unpleasant..." said Haruhi, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Wow..." whistled Imouto.

"That was nasty..." gagged Miyoko.

A silence.

"DO IT AGAIN!!!" the small girls both yelled out.

"NO!"

"**Okay... That was gross. Seriously. ......Now back to our game! Second question! What is the name of Ryoko Asakura's chibified form from Haruhi-chan?**" asked the voice.

"Someone drew a chibi version of me?" questioned Ryoko. Kyon ignored her and looked at his choices.

**A. Ashakura**

**B. Smashakura**

**C. Crackakura**

**D. Achakura**

"Uhhhhhhhhhh... D?" tried Kyon.

"**Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, crap!** **Lucky bastard... Fine! You win another prize. For your diligence and dumb luck, here's...**"

Everyone leaned forward expectedly. Could they go home now?

"**A LIFE-SIZED CHURUYA PLUSHIE!!!**"

Said toy materialized over the members of the Anti-SOS Brigade and fell onto them.

"What the hell?!" snarled Fujiwara.

"So heavy..." grunted Sasaki.

"______________" said Kuyou.

"HOW CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!!!" gushed Kyouko.

"Oh, come on!" roared Haruhi. "You give us a freaking toy and not the way out of here? What gives?!"

"**If I showed you the way out, then you all would have run away.**"

"You know he does have point," agreed TCCP.

"Just give us the last question..." sighed Kyon, who was tired of this game show crap.

"**Bored are we? That does it! No more multiple-choice! I'm making the last question so mind-numbingly difficult that you'll be scratching your head UNTIL IT'S RAW AND BLOODY!!!**" screeched the enigmatic tormentor.

"And what is your question?" asked Itsuki.

"**My question is... ****What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?**"

There was not a single word from anybody.

Then Kyon said, "It depends on whether you are talking about an African or European swallow."

"**Uhhh...**"

"What about its wing length and body mass?" asked Haruhi.

"**Errr...**"

"What about the time of year and season?" asked Mikuru.

"**Erm..."**

"What about the wind resistance?" asked Itsuki.

"**Well...**"

"What about the size, weight, and wing length of the swallow?" asked Yuki.

There was a low sigh and then the voice said, "**You know what? Screw you all. I've had it up to here with your multicolored hair, weird eyes, and stupid love quadrangles! I'm killing you all off here and now. See ya. Adios. Farewell. YELLO GOODBYE! Peace.**"

And then the steel floor opened up beneath them.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" screamed everyone as they plummeted into the whiteness below. All except for Kuyou (and Imouto and Miyoko who were just going 'WHEEE!').

In the middle of the freefall, Fujiwara grabbed Kyon.

"What are you doing?" Kyon asked, not liking the look the time-traveler was wearing.

"In case there is a bottom here, I'm going to use your body to soften my landing!" sneered the bastard.

"Good idea!" grinned Tsuruya, who immediately wrapped her arms around Mikuru who was screaming her head off. Meanwhile, TCCP and TSCP were trying to do the same to Haruhi, who was fighting them off.

"Hell no!" yelled Kyon. The two began to duel in midair when all of a sudden...

_**THUNK!**_

"Owww..." moaned Mikuru from atop Tsuruya. "That hurt..."

She would have said more, but Tsuruya popped up like a spring and knocked her off. The fanged girl began to look around to see that everyone was around her and moaning in pain. Then she looked down and gasped.

"Guys! We're on somethin'! It's made of metal and megas big!" exclaimed Tsuruya. Kyon groaned and stood up, before he blinked in bewilderment. Fujiwara lay beside him and started to growl, but stopped. They were on something made out of a silver metal and shaped like a Frisbee. It was moving through the air quickly.

"Kyon!" yelled Haruhi excitedly," Look at what we're on! I knew we would be rescued! Isn't it amazing?"

"Yeah..." said Kyon in a daze. He couldn't believe it.

They were on a UFO.

Suddenly, a hatch in the middle of the craft opened up. Everyone watched as three figures emerged out of the craft. Haruhi squealed like a child opening a Christmas present. Two of the figures were silvery aliens, with human-like shapes, and large black eyes. They each gave a friendly wave. The third shape however was a bit... different.

"Hello, friends. Hello to you as well, Nagato. You all had better come inside. You might slip off our ship and we wouldn't want that happening now, would we?" said a lime-green balloon dog that was wearing a fishbowl on its head.

"Do you know this guy?" asked a puzzled Itsuki.

Yuki nodded. "His name is Mr. Kimidori."

The minute Kyon heard that, he buckled under his own weight and hit the ground. This was too much for his sister too handle. Taniguchi and Kunikida rushed over to his aid, but were beaten by Haruhi and Mikuru. They started calling him by his name and shaking him by the shoulders to revive him, but it was too late. As Kyon blacked out, he heard Emiri's angry voice above the clamor.

"Nagato! You better not have named that dog after me! Am I a joke to you or something? Look me in the eye when I'm talking to you! ...Nagato? ARE YOU GIGGILING?!?!" **_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**A/N: Yes. I decided to involve the infamous UFO joke endings of Silent Hill into the ending of this piece. Seems fitting doesn't it? Leave it to Haruhi to wish that their rescuers are not exactly human. And I had to throw in Mr. Kimidori in sometime, am I right? **

**And the phone bit is a homage to the Thwomp who quizzes you in Shwonk Fortress and the X-Naut Base in ****Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door. Snuck in another Metal Gear Solid reference too. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it!**


	53. Mori is Weird

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: This isn't the request chapter I promised, but I just HAD to jot this one down. I recently saw a Haruhi AMV about the Remote Island Syndrome episodes set to the Lonely Island song "We're on a Boat" from Saturday Night Live. It was so outlandish that this was just begging for a parody. I'll post the requests later. Just enjoy this.**

**WARNING: Contains a gratuitous amount of swearing. Not that you care though, right?**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Mori is on a Boat:**

The SOS Brigade made their way through the blue sea on their way to the private island Itsuki's 'family' owned on a small speedboat. Mr. Arakawa the butler was driving the vehicle with Imouto sitting next to him, while Haruhi, Kyon, Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki sat across from Sonou Mori the maid in the back.

"Wow! What a great day for a vacation!" Haruhi said excitedly.

"It certainly is, Miss Suzumiya!" agreed Itsuki, smiling pleasantly. Yuki and Mikuru nodded in agreement, while Kyon just shrugged.

"I see you're all enjoying the trip so far," Mori chirped. "Is there anything I can do to make the experience more enjoyable?"

"Oh, everything's okay, Mori! You don't have to do anything!" answered Haruhi.

"Unless you can speed up this little bath-toy..." muttered Kyon, obviously not enjoying the ride at all. He'd meant to say it softly, but it ended up being loud enough for everyone to hear.

Mori took one look at the group of teens, smiled sweetly, and said, "Hey, motherfucker, this ain't your damn sissy-ass car or﻿ some shit like that. This is a motherfuckin', ass-whoopin', mind-blowing, motherfuckin', bitchin', badass, motherfuckin' boat! This hot bitch can go as fast as 70 motherfucking miles per hour on these pussy waves! Can you bitches even begin to comprehend the pure awesomeness of this sexy motherfucker? Fuck, no! None of you can! Check this shit out! This bitch is faster than the motherfucking speed of light and sound and all that shit. You'd probably be all like '_But we're goin' too fast~!_' throughout the whole fucking ride, because none of you motherfuckers can acknowledge the awesomeness enough to ride this kickass beast. It's so damn luxurious, that you'd cream yourself ten times over the moment you set your fucking bare foot on this baby! And did I mention the sexy white and blue paintjob on its beastly hide? No, I didn't. But I shouldn't have to, because this is a DAMN fine boat, motherfuckers! Our ride is pimpin'! Ain't I right, Koizumi?"

"You bet your sweet ass you are, Mori!" smiled Itsuki, flashing a gang sign with his right hand.

"Hellz, yeah," agreed Arakawa from his place near the front of the watercraft.

"Yeah! Now which one of you assholes wants to have a motherfuckin' sandwich while we wait to arrive at our badass hotel?" asked Mori with an angelic grin.

Kyon, Haruhi, Imouto, and Yuki all wore open-mouth, wide-eyed expressions on their faces. They were completely at a loss for words. Then Mikuru raised her left hand into the air.

"Excuse me, Miss Mori? I think I would like to have a motherfuckin' sandwich, please?" Mikuru said politely.

"Would you like a bitchin' tuna sandwich or a kickass ham sandwich?"

"Ham, please."

"Here ya go."

"Thanks! I'm gonna eat the hell out of this bitch!"

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**A/N: Let it be known across the interwebs... Mori is awesome. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	54. Retards and Frogs

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Dedicated to my friend, ObsidianWarrior, who just got back from a grueling trip. A Robot Chicken parody of the sketch "E.T. the Retard", and a Beavis and Butt-Head parody of the episode "Frog Baseball." For JonBob0008, A Justice League parody shall be done soon. I just thought that it should have its own chapter since so many gags could be done for that idea. And in the future, a request for my buddy, ChickenCheeseString. Have fun.**

**I must warn you people though. Yuki, Ryoko, and Emiri are kinda mean in the first part, but it was done for plot. And humor.**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**Kuyou the Retard:**

Yuki, Ryoko, and Emiri were hanging around the SOS Brigade clubroom for no apparent reason, when Kuyou entered through the doorway and came up to them.

"__Hello, friends,__" Kuyou said blankly in an attempt to make contact with the members of the Integrated Data Entity. The three taller girls stopped their chatting and stared down at the shorter girl.

"What do you want?" Ryoko asked in a curt tone of voice.

"__I have_____come to make___friends___with ___you three," buzzed Kuyou. Upon hearing this, Ryoko and Emiri stared at each other for a bit before they broke out in a fit of giggles. Yuki said nothing and just continued to stare at Kuyou in silence.

"____What is___it?____" asked Kuyou, wondering what was so humorous.

"Sorry, Kuyou. But we can't afford to be seen with the likes of you," sneered Ryoko.

"__What_do you____mean by_____that?_" asked Kuyou with a hint of curiosity.

"Well, Suou... The three of us have a sort of Three Musketeers thing going on right now, and we can't really allow such an unknown character to hang out with us," smiled Emiri.

Kuyou blinked. "__But you're___just as___minor a character as__me,__"

"Ah, but you're forgetting. I was ANIMATED," smirked Emiri.

"___For about___five minutes,___"

"Five more minutes than you at least."

"Look, Suou, it's like this," explained Yuki. "We come from different sides. We can't even communicate properly. Your program is flawed and your understanding of human actions is severely lacking. That and the fact that none of us can stand you."

"Exactly," agreed Ryoko, "Your voice sounds like the bastard child of a dying radio and T.V. static. And your hair probably weighs more than your own body!"

Emiri giggled. "Not to mention that people find you incredibly creepy. You look like a reject from The Ring, you little gnome!"

"But the biggest reason you can't befriend us is your hair," said Yuki without emotion.

"___What's wrong___with my___hair?__" Kuyou asked, her voice wavering somewhat.

"It's black," Ryoko said bluntly. "Just like your beady little eyes."

"It's not even a ridiculous color like ours!" stated Emiri.

"So, Suou, now you know why we dislike you. Now please leave before we turn you into a cube," Yuki coldly snapped.

Kuyou stood still for about several seconds head facing the floor. One may have thought she was going to cry. Instead, Kuyou raised her head up, and placed her right hand in front of her mouth. She began to cough violently into it. It sounded like a cross between a car back firing and a computer breaking down. This lasted for ten seconds, until she stopped and placed both hands on her hips. The other three aliens now saw that she was glaring fiercely at them.

And then Kuyou Suou spoke.

"All right, you three idiots," snarled Kuyou in a strong, clear voice. "I've had it up to here with your mistreatment of me. I tried to be friends with you guys, but now I see how truly shallow and vain you've become by associating with humans too much. I am NOT retarded. I've heard all of the names you call me behind my back when my group spies on your secret meetings. I am NOT an inferior model or an obsolete hunk of scrap metal. And I am definitely NOT a dolly. And your nickname for me? "Hair Monster-tan"? Really imaginative there. And I'm proud of my hair color. At least I don't look like an out of control punk-rocker who whores herself out for attention with unbelievable hair colors. And since my hair is so long, it allows me to do this."

And with that, Kuyou extended three tentacles of her locks into the air and formed a hand out of each of them. And each hand flipped off Yuki, Ryoko, and Emiri. All three of them were completely stunned.

"Wow! That felt... pretty good! It's nice to vent every once in awhile. Really lets out the stress! So, uh, yeah... go burn in the big recycling bin in the sky, okay? Bye!" smiled Kuyou, turning over to the door and skipping out into the hall. It took a minute for the representatives of the Integrated Data Entity to get their voices back.

"How strange..." said Yuki in a daze.

"I can't believe she said those things to us!" shrieked Emiri. "We should go after her and rip her apart! Right, Asakura? ...Asakura?"

Ryoko wasn't listening to her superior. She was staring at the doorway where Kuyou had gone through with a look of complete adoration on her face.

"Did you see that?!" Ryoko said excitedly. "The way she yelled and that thing she did with her hair?! It was so... HOT!!! The way she took complete control of the situation and stood up for herself... Kyaaah~...... I-I-I have to go after her! Come back, Suou! We can go over to my place and swap stories! I'll do your hair and you can do mine! We'll be BFFs! Come back~!"

Yuki and Emiri watched as the blunette raced out the door in search of her new idol. As soon as her footsteps faded, both of them slapped their foreheads in annoyance.

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**A Friendly Game of Frog Baseball:**

"Ah! This is the place!" exclaimed Taniguchi. Behind him was a rather grumpy-looking Haruhi. The two teens were out in the middle of a sunny field.

"Why did you bring out here again, Taniguchi?" asked Haruhi with a frown.

"For this!" grinned Taniguchi. The silver-haired boy opened his schoolbag and took out two items: an aluminum bat and a bullfrog. Haruhi was understandably confused.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"A little something I like to call Frog Baseball!" yelled Taniguchi as he threw the frog straight up into the air. Haruhi watched in silent horror as Taniguchi swung the bat at the poor amphibian and knocked it several feet away. It landed with a squishy _THUD_!

"Wow!" said Taniguchi, "A new record!"

Haruhi rushed over to where the frog had fallen and looked down at it. She fought back the urge to vomit. Yup. It was definitely dead.

Taniguchi sauntered up and whistled."Really did a number on him, huh? Want to take a swing, Suzumiya? I'll see if I can put the guts back in."

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!" screeched Haruhi. "DO YOU GET SOME SICK THRILL OUT OF KILLING INNOCENT ANIMALS?!?! HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO-"

"Hang on, Suzumiya. There's a poodle right there behind you! I'm gonna go beat some sense into it! This is the best day ever!" laughed Taniguchi as he ran past Haruhi and towards the small dog, bat raised over his head.

Haruhi stood in the field blinking stupidly before she loudly screamed into the empty field.

***

"And that, Kyon, is what Taniguchi and I did on our first date before I broke up with him two minutes later," finished Haruhi, brushing some loose bangs out of her face.

Kyon's eyes bulged out and his jaw hung loosely, but he still managed to say, "I... I... can't believe that happened. So... did he really kill that poodle?"

Haruhi snorted. "Nope. The second he walked up to that poodle, it leaped right up and took a bite right out of his ass. Tore off down the field screaming his head off while it chased him. Almost laughed myself right into a coma."

Kyon stared out the classroom window with a hardened gaze and scratched his chin in deep thought.

"So that explains his fear of small dogs..."

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**A/N: Well...... that was odd as hell. Expect some actual Halloween-related chapters soon. And Mikuru-based ones as well! **

**Farewell. **

**Hey. Two wells. Weird, huh?**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	55. My Heroes

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well, JonBob0008, here it is. A Justice League parody. Had to do some research on some parts, but I think covered it pretty well. I based this on the cast from Have fun and go nuts. And thank you for allowing me to use Naru and Oruki again in the future!**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**The SOS League:**

*******

**Somewhere in a Space Station Circling the Earth...**

*******

"I wonder what problem we will be facing today? What do you think, Kyon?" asked the squeaky voice of Imouto.

"For the last freaking time, I don't know! Haruhi sent us a message that just said 'Important Meeting!' so I have no idea either," replied Kyon in a rather gruff voice.

"Kyon?"

"Yeah, sis?"

"Why are you talking like that?"

"Like what?"

"In that weird voice. You sound like grandma after she smokes too much."

"...Well, excuuuuuuuuse me for trying to sound dark and mysterious."

The siblings were walking through a futuristic-looking hallway on their way to a meeting called by their Brigade Chief. For some odd reason, Kyon was wearing a black cape and mask, a hi-tech yellow belt, and a grey uniform with a bat symbol on the chest. Imouto was wearing a similar-looking costume, except that it was red and green with a yellow cape. That and her mask only covered her eyes. At the moment, Imouto was tossing around an object that looked like a bat-shaped boomerang.

"Quit playing around with that. It's not a toy," scolded Kyon, despite the fact that the token loli hadn't even heard him. They soon came to a large white room with a window displaying the Earth outside. In the room's center was an enormous white table with several chairs around it. In the biggest chair sat Haruhi, wearing an annoyed expression on her face.

"Finally, you two show up. I was waiting forever!" exaggerated Haruhi, standing up. She was wearing a long red cape around her shoulders and a matching miniskirt, knee-high red boots, along with a blue outfit that had a red and yellow 'H' emblazoned upon the chest.

"Simmer down, Haruhi," groaned Kyon, "You didn't even say what the emergency was. It better be something important. I've got a company to run and Imouto has school."

"You make it sound like all I do is drag you up here for menial tasks!"

"What about the time you lost your cape?"

"YOU KNOW I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MYCAPE!!! IT'S MY ENTIRE IMAGE!!! MY REPUTATION!!!"

"I thought your reputation was the fact that every time you flew off, people could see your underwe-"

"Say anymore and I'll hurl you into the sun."

"Not my fault your skirt is incredibly short..."

"What was that?!"

Luckily, Kyon was spared having his face crushed in by the arrival of a red streak zooming into the room. It zipped over to a nearby chair and sat down in it. The figure was Taniguchi clad in a red bodysuit with little lightning bolt emblems on it.

"First in the chairs!" he cried with zeal. Haruhi shot him a nasty look.

"Technically, I was here _first_."

"Oh. ..........SECOND!!!"

"Moron."

"Ah. I see everyone is here," said a voice from the hall. The foursome turned to see three figures coming into the room. The first was Itsuki, who was wearing a black bodysuit with a bright green neckline and a green ring. The second was Yuki clad in a blue cape, knee-high blue boots, and a red brassiere. And right behind them was Mikuru wearing a little tiara on her head and a leotard that looked like the American flag.

"Ah! The entire SOS League is here!" exclaimed Haruhi with whimsy.

"All except for Kunikida..." said Kyon, noticing the brown-haired boy's absence.

"Yeah. Where is Kunikida?" asked Taniguchi.

"I sent him to do the laundry," Haruhi said airily. "But enough about him. Why are you guys are late?"

"We were in the middle of assisting Miss Asahina in a personal crisis," monotoned Yuki, teleporting into her assigned chair.

Haruhi sent Mikuru a bored look and said, "Got tied up in your own lasso again, Mikuru?"

"Yes, Miss Suzumiya..." Mikuru answered in embarrassment. "I was practicing with this new move and I got kind of distracted and..."

"I got the picture, Mikuru."

"Oh. Okay, then."

Mikuru trotted off to her own seat. Kyon, Imouto, and Itsuki sat in their own chairs as well (except for Itsuki, who levitated into his). Satisfied, Haruhi flew into hers and sat down.

"So, Miss Suzumiya? What are our objectives for today?" asked Itsuki with a charming smile.

"Glad you asked, my neon-green friend!" Haruhi announced with a flourish. We have an assignment from President Kimidori today! She contacted me earlier with a special message. Something about a terrible problem about..."

"About what, Haruhi?" inquired Imouto, tossing her little boomerang into the air.

"Don't know. The reception on my cell phone got cut off. I was flying through a tunnel."

An awkward silence befell the group.

"Oh, don't give me those looks! It could have happened to anyone!"

"So what are we supposed to do?" asked Mikuru twiddling her fingers.

"Don't you worry, my dear busty Mikuru," Haruhi said with a wave of her hand. "President Kimidori is going to be giving us a brief description of the mission to the whole team...... right now!"

Haruhi pressed a red button on the arm of her chair, causing a T.V. screen to be lowered from the ceiling. It flickered on after a few seconds to reveal Emiri sitting at fancy desk in a huge office. Flanking her sides were her two bodyguards, Churuya and Ashakura, each dressed in little tuxedoes and shades. Ashakura began to blush and giggle at Kyon, while Churuya nibbled on a cheese-stick.

"Greetings, Justice League! I see that you've all assembled. Now we can discuss your assignment," said Emiri, not even noticing that the group of superheroes was missing one member.

"Fantastic, Madam President!" Haruhi said, clasping her hands together, "So... what's our assignment? After all, "Saving the world from Otherworldly and natural disasters is Suzumiya and her League's objective"! Now what is the problem?"

"Well, Miss Suzumiya, the cause of the problem is this..." Emiri reached over to a pile of papers on her desk and held it up for all to see. It was an underwater photograph depicting several large, grotesque, green, blob-like entities floating near a coral reef. Mikuru, Itsuki, and Imouto wrinkled their noses in disgust. Kyon and Taniguchi grimaced. Yuki simply stared. Haruhi, however, had a different reaction.

"Wow! The oceans have been plagued by undersea mutants! Or maybe it's an alien takeover and they've come to use their sponge-like bodies to steal all of the Earth's water! Never fear, President Kimidori! The SOS League will kick their slimy Jell-O butts all the way to Davy Jones's Locker!" shouted Haruhi enthusiastically.

"Actually," cut in Emiri, putting the picture away, "What I showed you weren't monsters or extraterrestrials."

Kyon raised an eyebrow. "Then what were they?"

"Well, you see, enormous jelly-like blobs of dead and living organic matter, known as marine mucilages, are spreading throughout the Mediterranean sea. They appear when algae, pieces of dead coral, and waste merge together on the ocean floor. The ooze can smother marine life and carry diseases dangerous to humans like Escherichia coli. Or as it's more commonly known as E-coli. Many nature-preservation groups are working on it, but there is simply too much sludge for them to clean up. I need you and your team to assist them and make the beaches safe again for tourists. Can you handle it?" asked Emiri, cocking her head to the side.

The costumed group looked towards their leader to see her reaction. Haruhi's mouth was open and her eyes were like dinner plates. Finally, she recovered and opened her mouth again.

"Uhhh, sure. We'll... We'll get right on it, Madam President..." Haruhi said weakly, not even attempting to disguise the disappointment in her voice. "Are you sure that there isn't a bus full of tourists in peril, an alien invasion, a giant monster, or a terrorist organization that needs our attention?"

"I don't think so."

"Are you suuuuuuuuuuure?"

"Positive. Can you take care of the mucilages?"

"...Y-Yes, Madam President."

Satisfied with her answer, Emiri smiled joyfully and nodded. "Excellent! I hope to hear from you fellows again soon. Have a wonderful, salty, sunny day!"

And then she blinked off the screen. The rest of the costumed vigilantes sat in silence and watched as Haruhi continued to stand perfectly still. And then she started screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"Please calm down, Miss Suzumiya," droned Yuki.

"Yeah. Take a chill pill, Suzumiya," agreed Taniguchi.

"You take a chill pill!" Haruhi roared, sending a blast of freezing breath directly at Taniguchi which he quickly dodged.

"Woah! Take it easy!"

"Haruhi, I know this isn't the kind of mission we usually handle, but try to relax!" yelled Kyon.

"Calm down? CALM DOWN?!?! We're the freaking SOS League! We fight crime and horrible monsters! Not clean up beaches from a little toxic fungus! We should be battling our archrivals! Instead we get saddled with... COMMUNITY SERVICE!!! Doesn't that just piss you off?!" demanded the caped tsundere.

"I'll admit, it does seem like a waste of our talents," commented Itsuki. "But doesn't our code of ethics state that we must help the world in any way we can, Miss Suzumiya?"

Haruhi's face resembled someone swallowing a lemon and she glanced down at the floor and said in a tiny voice, "I guess you're right, Koizumi..."

"Hey!" Mikuru said suddenly, "Since our mission deals with the ocean, shouldn't we call Kunikida?"

"I guess," Haruhi said indifferently. "KUNIKIDA! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!"

At the sound of Haruhi's jet-engine voice, Kunikida entered the room shortly. He was holding a dish and a washcloth in one hand, and wearing a costume that looked like an orange scuba suit covered in fish scales along with a green Speedo.

"I was washing the dishes after I did the laundry. What's up?" Kunikida asked plainly. Haruhi quickly filled Kunikida on their assignment from the green-haired president. When she was done, Kunikida smiled cheerfully.

"All right! A mission I can finally help with! I told you my powers weren't useless!" Kunikida said proudly.

This statement caused Haruhi, Kyon, Imouto, Mikuru, Itsuki, and Taniguchi to start snickering. Even Yuki smiled somewhat. Kunikida was thoroughly confused.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Your powers are exactly the most useful to have in a fight," Yuki said a-matter-of-factly.

"Huh?"

"What Nagato means, Kunikida," smiled Kyon, "Is that you're not exactly the most useful member of our group when we have an assignment."

"Unless it's near the water," chuckled Itsuki.

"That's because you guys are always having me run your errands!"

"But you're so good at doing them," giggled Mikuru.

"You sure are!" agreed Imouto.

"Maybe you can ask your fish buddies to help you out one day!" laughed Taniguchi.

"You know what? I am sick and tired of this crap! You guys are always insulting me and giving me the grunt work! I am just as much of a hero as the rest of you guys!"

"Says the guy who has the exact same abilities as SpongeBob!" cackled Haruhi. Almost immediately, the entire room exploded into high-pitched laughter. Kyon and Taniguchi were pounding the table, Mikuru and Imouto were giggling like five-year olds, Itsuki was convulsing with laughter, Yuki had her hand over her mouth, and Haruhi was clutching her sides with both hands.

Kunikida frowned darkly at his so-called 'friends, then a smile slowly made its way onto his face. He extended his free hand into the air and focused. Haruhi still continued to laugh, but just as she was pausing for breath, she felt something drip onto her shoulder. Curious, she glanced up and her jaw dropped. Noticing their leader's silence, everyone else looked up as well. Their mouths fell open as well.

Hovering several feet above the table was a humongous sphere of water the size of a Volkswagen. Small droplets fell off its shimmering surface and onto the table below. Everyone simultaneously turned to Kunikida, who was smiling rather peacefully at them.

Then he snapped his fingers.

_**SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!**_

The entire SOS League was now covered from head to toe in ice-cold water. Everyone's hair was ruined, and Mikuru and Yuki's costumes were shown to be see-through to their displeasure. Kyon spat some water out of his mouth angrily, while Itsuki tried to comb back his hair to its original stare. Taniguchi shivered uncontrollably and Imouto just splashed around playfully. Haruhi sent a dumbfounded stare at the now content Kunikida, who was now turning to leave for their ship to Earth.

"How... did you do that?"

Kunikida looked over shoulder and smiled coyly.

"You guys never asked."

And then he was gone. Haruhi was preparing to leap out of her chair and rip out his jugular, when she heard a shout. She ducked instinctively as a metal object zipped through the air and embedded itself in her chair. Looking up, she saw that it was a bat-shaped boomerang.

"Sorry!" apologized Imouto over Kyon's yells.

Haruhi sighed, started to wring out her cape, and began to wonder if she should bring sunscreen or not.

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**A/N: The marine mucus problem is actually real. Got it off of National Geographic. And in case you guys have fuzzy memories...**

**Haruhi- Superman**

**Kyon- Batman**

**Imouto- Robin**

**Yuki- Martian Manhunter**

**Mikuru- Wonder Woman**

**Itsuki- Green Lantern**

**Taniguchi- The Flash**

**Kunikida- Aquaman**

**In my opinion, Kyon makes the perfect Dark Knight. And if you are reading this, JonBob0008, would you like to see Sasaki's version of the Injustice League? I'll post it later after a few more chapters.**

**And always remember... don't mess with Aquaman. Or Kunikida.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess demands it! **


	56. Even More Junk!

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: This isn't much of a story, my friends. It's actually a bit of an announcement. But it became a story of sorts in the end anyways. **

**Because I am insane. **

**Features a joke at the ending that was brought to my attention by Akai-Kurenai many months ago about my tagline. I hope you won't be offended.**

* * *

**The Scheming of a Writer:**

"How could you do such a thing?"

"I don't think that's any of your business."

"The hell it is, douchbag!"

Haruhi Suzumiya glared daggers at her enemy. Sitting in one of those awesome spinny chairs in front of a computer was the guy who had made a living hell out of her and her Brigade's life for over two months. He had to be stopped. His fingers formed the Finger Pyramid of Evil Contemplation, but he was not a super-villain. He wore a cape like Zero, but he was not a Geass-user. His eyes danced with insanity, but he was not a demon. He was completely dressed in black, but he wasn't a fan of My Chemical Romance.

He was something much worse.

He was an author with little time on his hands nowadays.

"Look here, okay? I turned a cheek to the Mikuru molesting me part. I ignored the whole accidentally killing Kyon bit. And boy, how I gritted my teeth when you depicted me as a crazed pedophile. But this has gone on long enough! All I'm asking is that you do at least another three chapters and then end this story," reasoned Haruhi, looking highly stressed out. "You can't keep up these stupid parodies forever!"

"Actually, I can," sneered the villainous beast. "Believe or not, people actually find the stuff I'm writing quite lovely. Gut-bustlingly hilarious even."

"BULL!" roared Haruhi, rushing over to the computer access his account. She clicked onto the Reviews section and her jaw dropped.

Her left eye twitched.

"Son of a bitch..." whispered Haruhi in complete disbelief. The author shot her a true crocodile smile.

"So? Impressed, my tsun-tsun dear?" said superstarultra with a smarmy expression on his face.

"This is impossible! I bet half the people who read this garbage were completely stoned off their asses!" complained Haruhi.

"Afraid not! And I do believe there's a difference between stoned and high... I think. You see, Haruhi, a lot of people find my brand of humor to be quite enjoyable," explained superstarultra. "I can't stop this story now. I have waaay too many plans for you and your pals. Lots of misadventures and random parodies. You should see what I've got planned for your mommy and daddy..."

Haruhi's eyes went wide. "YOU LEAVE MY PARENTS OUT OF THIS! ...Even though canonically, they don't have any names or screen-time."

"Sorry, but no can do. I've gotten a request from a friend involving them, and I just recently asked for some permission from another friend. So now I can use them all I want! And you can't do anything about it. HA!" scoffed the author, acting like a bigger asshole than a certain sneering bastard.

That's Fujiwara, by the way.

"THAT DOES IT!" screamed Haruhi, using her powers to materialize a Keyblade in her hands that she had seen from some fan art. "I can't let you besmirch my good name any longer. I'm nipping this in the bud right now! I'm going to kill you!"

The author frowned. "You're not serious... are you?"

Haruhi grinned savagely. "I sure am! Now die, monster! You don't belong in this world!" she exclaimed in a high-pitched whine.

"It was not by my hand that I was once given flesh. I was called here by... _authors_... who wished to pay me reviews!" superstarultra growled back in a guttural voice.

"Reviews? You steal the free time of authors, and make them your readers!"

"Perhaps the same could be said of _all_ fandom."

"Your words are as empty as your soul and YouTube account! This site doesn't need a writer like you plaguing its sacred grounds!"

"_HA! What is a writer? A miserable little pile of plot bunnies! But enough talk, __**HAVE AT YOU**__!_"

Haruhi tried to run straight at him, but stopped shortly. Her hand zoomed to her mouth and a look of terror spread across her youthful face. There also seemed to be a twinge of annoyance and disgust mixed in somewhere.

"Oh, no... Was that... Was that a blatant and poorly-implemented Castlevania reference just now...?" she asked shakily. In response the cloaked lunatic grinned like Hannibal Lector on a sugar-high.

"It certainly was, sweetheart... AND YOU WALKED RIGHT INTO IT!"

"Nooooooooooo!"

After screaming for a few more seconds, Haruhi nonchalantly brushed herself off, dispersed the Keyblade, and said, "Okay, I'm over that really, really, _really_ awful joke. Seriously, eww. Now what did you need to see me for?"

"Glad you asked, my tsundere friend... You see, I'm going to be posting up a brand-new crack story apart from my current one, this one, and I wanted your opinion on it," said superstarultra, holding up a sheet of grimy papers.

Haruhi snatched the papers away and looked over them. "All right then. Let's see what we've got her-"

Her eyes widened as her mouth slowly fell open.

"_**The Obesity of Haruhi Suzumiya?**_" screeched Haruhi, looking even more pissed.

"I know!" smiled the author. "Isn't it hilarious? It's an AU story where you are terribly overweight and your folks send you to a fat camp! Once there, you meet the other Brigade members and you all plan a way to escape! Got the idea from all those weird weight-gain pictures of you guys on the internet and from a chapter in a crack fic that was written by my buddy, Cha-Cha Cheesecake! Personally, I think I deserve award for this brilliant move. Pretty sure no one else would attempt to write this idea. That means it's totally original! Sooooooo... whaddaya think?"

Haruhi stared at the papers for a long time. Then her eyes flashed red and she grabbed the author by his collar.

"I don't care if you got the inspiration from an open canister of varnish and paint! You made me gain _**350 FUCKING POUNDS**_!" she bellowed.

The idiotic writer nodded. "I know! And Kyon will weigh in around 400 pounds! Isn't it funny?"

"It's sick and wrong!"

"I think you'd be hilarious to write overweight. '_Get me a doughnut or I'll sit on you as the death penalty!_'. Ha ha! ...Right?"

"You are a twisted little freak..."

"Um... thanks? Anyways, to make the story even funnier, I made the four lead girls from K-ON! in charge of the camp! Look at all the random crossovers I included! Senseless and pointless cameos are all the rage nowadays."

Glancing down, Haruhi looked at who would be sharing her pain and almost fainted.

_**-Cameo List-**_

_**K-ON!, Toradora, Code Geass, Death Note, Ouran Host Club, Lucky Star, Higurashi, School Days, Azumanga Daioh, Vocaloid, Dragon Ball Z, Final Fantasy 7, Kingdom Hearts, and Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story.**_

_**P.S. Remember to take out the garbage for mom later.**_

"Well? Impressed by my selections?" asked superstarultra, trying to snatch the list away. "I made Taiga the captain of the camp security so she could be the main antagonist, because I thought it would be funny to see her torture you guys! She is pretty much one of the biggest bitches I've ever seen in an anime recently. What do you think? C'mon, I need the feedback."

"...Why did you include three video games on a list filled with anime characters? Unless they've read about them or own them, nobody's going to get anything you reference from them! Pretty shallow thinking, including your own personal tastes in this story idea~..." commented Haruhi. Superstarultra leaped from his chair and glared at Haruhi. His cape flowed ominously behind him (Haruhi wondered how the hell the piece of fabric was doing that since they were indoors, but then she saw the two mini-fans he had attached to his belt).

"NO, HARUHI! _**YOU**_ DON'T GET IT! YOU DON'T KNOW GREAT HUMOR WHEN YOU SEE IT! NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND GO STAR IN A CAMEO APPEARANCE IN ANOTHER YUKI/KYON FLUFF! I DON'T NEED THIS CRITICISM!" he roared, completely butthurt.

"FINE! BUT BEFORE I GO, I'M GOING TO DO THIS!" bellowed the genki girl. She held the document in both hands and tried to rip it in half, but it held together. After trying several times, Haruhi gasped in realization. When she did, it slipped from her hands and fell to the floor. The author quickly scooped it up.

"Laminated... YOU DOUCHEBAG! I'll be back one day with my whole Brigade to get rid of you! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA! FUCK YOU, AND FUCK ALL THAT YOU STAND FOR!" threatened Haruhi as she disappeared into a puff of logic.

As soon as she left, superstarultra went back to his chair, grabbed his soda from where he'd set it on the desk, and opened up Microsoft Word.

"I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO going to give her a heart attack in this..." he muttered to himself.

Then he noticed the poor sap still reading this crap.

"Oh. Right Here are a few jokes I've already come up with. Enjoy them."

_**-Outtakes-**_

_"Hey. Who's that weird-looking fat guy on the side of the road?" asked Haruhi as the bus made a turn._

_Yuki stopped reading her book and said, "That's old man Goku. He lives a few miles away from the camp. They say his brain is filled with untold wisdom."_

_"And diabetes," snickered C.C. from her spot in the driver's seat._

_"Wow!" said Haruhi, smacking her lips, "That was a great drink! What do you call it?"_

_"We called it our lava lamp, you dolt," deadpanned Kyon._

_"Well, well, well..." snickered a sinister voice from the shade, "Looks like we have a couple of escapees. What should we do with them, Ryuji? What, oh, what should we do~?"_

_Sasaki, Kyouko, Fujiwara, and Kuyou all huddled together in abject horror as a short figure marched into the sunlight._

_"Oh, no..." Kyouko moaned, "It's... It's... IT'S THE PALMTOP TIGER!"_

_"Did you guys eat the Othello pieces?" asked a dumbfounded Kyon. Mikuru avoided his gaze, but Itsuki coughed and spoke up._

_"We... thought they were Oreos..."_

_"GAHHH! Stupid Koizumi! You and your damned pica problem!"_

_"OKAY! WHICH ONE OF YOU FAT BASTRDS ATE MY LOW-FAT YOGURT?" screamed Shion, murder in her eyes._

_**-End of Outtakes-**_

"And here's something else that even Haruhi doesn't know about. I call it "The Parody of Mary Sue". For now at least. It's sort of what I am labeling this other idea. In a nutshell, it's me mocking the entire first season of the show. Fourteen episodes of bashing, alternate scenes, and coarse language. Maybe I might do the next season. It depends. I still need to work out some kinks, but here's what you can expect. It's a bit I can up with for the episode "The Day of Sagittarius"."

_**-Outtake-**_

_"All righty then. I've had it. I thought I could handle this idiocy, but now I see that everyone has their limit. So I'm ending this insanity right here, right now," Kyon calmly said._

_The other four members of the SOS Brigade watched in confusion as Kyon directed his space fleet in front of everyone else's fleets. Then he began streaking towards them at the speed of light._

_"Ack! Kyon! W-W-What are you doing?" cried Haruhi._

_Everyone began to scream in terror as Kyon directed his ships in what the narrator would deem a "five-way murder/suicide/kamikaze attack"._

_It is also the narrator's duty to note that Kyon has gone completely BATSHIT INSANE._

_"BWA HA HA HA HA! I'LL SEE YOU BASTARDS IN HELL! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!"_

_See?_

_**-End of Outtake-**_

"Well, guys, there you have it. I still need to think of some more shtick, but I promise they will be hilarious. There's even a battle between Taiga and Yui in the first one! You can't miss that! Well, goodbye for now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to god-proof my house. Really."

* * *

**A/N: Well, everyone, there you have it. By the way, my upcoming fic "The Obesity of Haruhi Suzumiya" will be up in a few days. Could take longer. Everything mentioned in this chapter was true (except for the cape... how I so desperately want one... and Haruhi showing up to a lesser extent...). I already have a part of the first chapter done. Here's what you can expect.**

**An unhealthy amount of abuse towards the overweight**

**Gluttony**

**Pointy metal objects**

**A shark**

**Jamba Juice**

**Saimoe 2009 results**

**Musical numbers**

**Deadly use of electricity**

**Lots and lots of running**

**Cake**

**Tofu**

**And Jack Lalanne.**

**So if you all enjoy the odd, foul-smelling, disease-ridden thing I call humor, check it out. You will not be disappointed. As for my second idea, I don't know exactly when I can get that down. Might take quite a while before you can expect me to post up The Parody of Mary Sue. But I'll be sure to entertain you with more new stories until I can get around to getting a decent plot covered.**

**Now for the review tagline.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow ribbon-wearing goddess deman-**

"Excuse me, sir? Could I have a moment of your time?"

**Who are you?**

"I'm Kyon."

**Which character are you again?**

"The one you turned into a sex-crazed maniac a few chapters back. Haruhi sent me to tell you something vital."

**Oh. What's that?**

"Your review tagline is incorrect."

**...Excuse me?**

"Haruhi wears a yellow headband adorned with ribbons. Or just a ribbon that's tied like a headband. I'm going to go with the latter. Either way, you've just been saying 'yellow ribbons' the whole time."

**...And you tell me this after fifty or so chapters.**

"I didn't want to spoil your fun, but Haruhi brought it up. I couldn't say no to her! Besides, it's a common mistake. Anybody could've made it. Anybody. Even a self-acclaimed great author such as yourself. Heh heh heh..."

**...**

"You okay?"

**That does it. I'm going to give YOU a heart-attack first if I can.**

"WHAAAT?"


	57. The Demonic Balloon

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I won't be doing requests for awhile since I promised to make some Halloween chapters. And since it's in a week, I need to get cracking! So anyways, part of this was inspired by my friend, aprilfool1993. I borrowed a bit from your story about the ghost. I hope you don't mind. **

**Now first of all, I don't dislike Mr. Kimidori from Haruhi-chan. I found his character to be funny and interesting (unlike that Muu-chan guy- seriously, what the hell is he?!). There's just something... unsettling about him. Maybe it's the fact that his creation looked like something out of the Amityville horror movies or that he acts as a way to keep an eye on Achakura while Yuki is out. I guess the reason I find him a little unnerving is that his voice reminds me of Chiyo's father from Azumanga Daioh. Brrrrrrrrrr. Floating, talking, pastel-colored animals freak me out. This takes place in the Haruhi-chan setting. For maximum scariness, try reading alone or in the dark.**

**So, yeah, here's a Halloween tale I'd like to call...**

* * *

**Kreepy Kimidori:**

Kyon sat with the rest of the SOS Brigade, happily sipping his tea. It was one of their more peaceful days, and for that he was glad. Looking over at his friends, Kyon saw that Mikuru was humming a jaunty tune while brewing tea, Itsuki was reading a book Yuki had lent him, and Haruhi was drooling over the fossilized baby dragon the Computer Club had given her (really a lizard skeleton with bat wings pasted on it).

The only one missing was Yuki.

Before Kyon could question the whereabouts of the purple-haired ero-gamer, the door opened. It was none other than Yuki herself. She walked in daintily and sat down without a word in her favorite chair. After a few minutes of silence, a rare event occurred. Yuki spoke up.

"Miss Suzumiya," Yuki said coolly, "I was passing by the library and I saw that they were giving away some books. One of them had information on dragons."

Haruhi broke out of her stupor, grinned eagerly, and zipped out of the room.

"IT'S MINE!!!"

As soon as she was gone, Yuki leapt from her chair, ran over to the door, and slammed it shut. She faced everyone with a dead-serious expression. ...Well, as serious as you can look with headphones shaped like bunnies.

"We have a problem," Yuki said emotionlessly.

"What kind of a problem, Nagato?" asked Kyon.

Yuki picked up her school bag and opened it up. Inside was the chibified Ryoko Asakura (who shall be known as Achakura from now on) and Mr. Kimidori the balloon dog. Kyon, Mikuru, Itsuki had met both of them before in Yuki's apartment and had gotten along quite well. One would even call Kyon and Achakura best friends. Despite the whole 'I'm-going-to-kill-you-and-see-how-Miss-Suzumiya-reacts' incident. Mr. Kimidori was pretty cool too as he proved to be a strategic Othello player. Right now, however, Achakura was bawl9ing and Mr. Kimidori was as still as a statue.

"What are they doing here?" asked Itsuki. "Shouldn't they be at home?"

"Something is wrong with Mr. Kimidori!" sobbed Achakura.

"Wrong?" asked Mikuru. "What's wrong with him? Is he sick or something?"

"I believe so," said Yuki. "Yesterday at my apartment, there was an incident which left Mr. Kimidori popped. I pieced him back together again, but he has been acting rather peculiarly ever since."

"How so?" wondered Kyon.

"He's been muttering weird things to himself!" whined Achakura. "He's been saying how dogs will go from being man's best friend to their worst enemy, he's been walking on the walls like a crab, and his head spins around sometimes! And this morning, he told me that the reaper will spare no one and that our souls will be used to sow the seeds of our destruction!"

Everyone blinked in surprise and stared at Mr. Kimidori. He still hadn't moved one inch from his place on the table. Achakura had even backed away from him.

"Well, that sounds... odd..." Kyon finally said.

"If only you could tell us what's wrong," Mikuru said sadly as she moved in to give the balloon animal a friendly pat on the head. Before her fingers could even touch him, Mr. Kimidori leapt away from Mikuru and arched his back like a cat. A low rumbling noise was heard. Everyone looked for the source, before they turned back to Mr. Kimidori.

He was growling at them.

"Mr. Kimidori?" Achakura said fearfully.

"**The being you call Mr. Kimidori is no longer here. I now inhabit this vessel,**" murmured Mr. Kimidori in a deep, raspy voice.

"Who... are you?" Itsuki asked while taking out his cell phone.

"**My name is of no importance. None of you will not even live long enough to correctly pronounce it...**" hissed Mr. Kimidori.

"Oh, my god..." Achakura said slowly. "MR. KIMIDORI HAS BECOME POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL!!!"

"**Correct. It's oh so enchanting to meet my hapless victims face to face... Especially when I have a body. Your friend is screaming his head off in here. It's quite delightful to hear.**"

"How did this happen?!" yelled Kyon.

"I believe I know," said Yuki with a focused look on her face. "When Mr. Kimidori popped, he was temporarily dead. But when I revived him, his soul came back to his body. This being must have hitched a ride and slowly spread its influence throughout Mr. Kimidori's body for the rest of the day."

"Balloon animals have souls?" said a dumbfounded Mikuru.

"I suppose so..." responded Itsuki.

"Well, whatever the reason, you're getting out of our friend right now," warned Kyon to the demon on the table.

"**I don't think that's possible,**" spoke the dog-shaped plaything.

"Oh? And why's that?"

"**Because I'll devour the soul of anyone who tries to get near me.**"

There was a tension in the air as Kyon noticed that Itsuki was putting away his cell phone. He hoped that he had called for backup. Suddenly, Yuki darted forwards for a grab.

"_**!!!**_" Mr. Kimidori roared.

The air was now alive with flying books and chairs. Mikuru screamed and ducked as a teapot swooped at her, while Itsuki batted away several ballpoint pens. Kyon wrestled with Haruhi's chair as it tried to crush him against the wall, while a pencil made a few attempts to penetrate his throat. Yuki's games were now acting like bats and ramming into her petite frame. Achakura flew through the air on a book detailing Japan's early history, screaming her head off. And above the ruckus, Mr. Kimidori cackled insanely while black energy pulsed around him.

"_**WRITHE IN A CAGE OF AGONY, YOU LOWLY WORMS!!!**_"

"Do something, Nagato!" groaned Itsuki as he was being choked by the mouse from Haruhi's computer, which had wrapped itself around his neck like a snake. Yuki made another grab for the possessed balloon, only to be rewarded as a teacup smashed into the back of her head. Six more zoomed at her, only to be knocked away by her hands. In a rare moment of courage, Mikuru seized a fallen tea cup in the chaos and flung it at Mr. Kimidori.

"Eat this, air-head!" she cried.

The teacup made contact with the evil mutt and knocked him off balance. All of the moving objects fell from the air and clattered to the floor. Before anyone could celebrate, Mr. Kimidori jumped back onto the table. The once-friendly dog's body was now covered with blackish flames and purple electricity. He let loose a gurgling sound from within his mouth and a terrifying transformation took place.

Mr. Kimidori's body expanded until he was the size of the entire club table. A sound like muscles stretching and air being pumped filled the room. The whole table suddenly fell underneath his weight. His ears slid back until they resembled a ram's horns and enormous black talons unfurled from his paws. His back feet became thick hooves instead. A _shink! _sound was heard as hundreds of tiny spikes erupted from his back like a porcupine's quills, along with two huge bat-like wings. Then the monster's mouth split open like a rotten fruit, revealing several rows of serrated lime-green teeth. Two forked, wart-covered, purple tongues writhed inside the cavernous opening. Breath that smelled like ashes from a funeral pyre flowed from it. Mr. Kimidori's tail lengthened until it was nine feet long. A hissing viper's head appeared at the end, fangs dripping with venom. The nose on Mr. Kimidori's face was now sporting two flaring holes on the surface. And finally, four yellow eyes with black cat-like pupils opened up on his face. All four of them focused on Kyon.

Then Mr. Kimidori opened his drooling mouth and said...

"_**YOUR MOTHER LISTENS TO GREED'S ACCIDENT IN HELL!!!**_"

"Excuse me?!" spat Kyon.

Kyon didn't receive his answer. Instead, Mr. Kimidori turned his attention to Itsuki and Mikuru, who were huddling together. Mikuru was trembling in fear, while Itsuki shielded her with his body; a proud if somewhat useless show of chivalry. It was when the ghoulish balloon lifted its head further off the ground, did Achakura shriek in panic from her spot on the floor. Kyon saw why and almost threw up. Nestled in the spot between the underside of Mr. Kimidori's neck and chest was a _second _head. It resembled the head of an eagle or hawk, what with its curved head and hooked beak. Two red eyes burned with evil in its face.

Yuki was directly behind Mr. Kimidori, who now looked more wolf than dog. His snake-tail kept its eyes trained on her like lasers. Any movement and it would strike. So instead, Yuki began to quickly chant a spell that would weaken the demon possessing her friend. The snake saw this, and with a hiss of fury, struck.

This is what Yuki wanted.

Dodging the bite, Yuki slid between the hound's legs. The bird-face saw her and tried to stab her with a peck, but Yuki outmaneuvered it. She stood next to Kyon. Seeing this opportunity, Itsuki yelled to both of them.

"Nagato! Kyon! I phoned Tsuruya! She's going to be bring us a special object that will surely exorci-"

"Kyaaahhh!!!"

Mikuru let out a bloodcurdling scream. Itsuki looked up and saw why. Mr. Kimidori had shot out both his tongues and wrapped them around the time-traveler and esper. Still screaming, Mikuru and Itsuki hung in midair for a moment, before the monster pulled them into his mouth. Kyon watched in terror as both his friends went down the demon's throat. Their shouting could still be heard.

"He... He... HE ATE THEM!!! HE FRIGGIN' ATE THEM!!!" screamed Kyon. Achakura turned green and emptied the contents of stomach on the floor. Yuki's eyes grew wide.

"**Mmmmmm... The boy tasted quite... fruity, I must say. And the girl... Sweeter than the world's best chocolate... Rather fatty though. **_**Heh heh heh heh...**_" chuckled the green horror.

"Release my friends this instant," demanded Yuki, her voice sounding very dangerous.

"**Never... I must consume more souls and bodies to grow stronger... Hmmmmmmmmmmm... I sense a godly force nearby. Excellent. If I can acquire it, I shall be unstoppable. Canines shall rule this planet and humans will serve ME!!!**" boasted the monster.

_Crap!_ thought Kyon. _Now he's after Haruhi! And we don't know how long it will take Tsuruya to get here!_

"**The hunt begins... NOW!!!**" And with a howl, a squawk, and a hiss, Mr. Kimidori was out the door, his bulk contorting itself to allow a quick exit from the room's small doorway.

Yuki shot out after him like a marathon runner. Kyon scooped up Achakura and bolted right after her and the half-running, half-flapping horror. Couldn't they have a day where they weren't almost going to be killed?

***

**Meanwhile...**

***

"Can't believe they weren't giving away the books. Well, at least they had a book on dragons!" Haruhi said to herself as she left the library. She was still wondering why Yuki had made the mistake of telling her about the giveaway. Yuki _never _got her facts wrong. As she made her way around the hall to go back upstairs, Haruhi stopped.

There was a noise in the empty hallway.

Sounded a lot like...

Panting?

"Someone there?" Haruhi called out. "If it's you computer geeks trying to scare me, then you've got another thing coming!"

_Splat._

Haruhi almost jumped a little, but calmed herself down. Looking down at the floor, she saw the source of the wet sound. Some kind of gooey, clear, icky fluid that looked like...

"Drool?" Haruhi said to herself. Some moisture fell onto her shoulders and a fleck of foam drifted onto the bridge of her nose. Shaking a bit, Haruhi looked straight into the air above her.

And before she could even scream or cry for help, a pair of light-green jaws slammed shut around her entire body and swallowed her down like a lemon drop.

"_**Mmmmmmmmmm... Spicy...**_"

And then Mr. Kimidori dashed off in the direction of two more signs of potential prey.

***

Yuki, Kyon, and Achakura raced through the halls of the empty school. Mr. Kimidori had outrun them, but the puddles of drool he left behind served as a trail. When the trio turned the corner, Kyon tripped.

"Oww!" yelped Kyon.

"Are you okay?" Yuki inquired passively.

"I'm fine, Nagato. I just tripped over this..." Kyon froze and picked up the wet object. Achakura looked at it and gasped.

It was a book on dragons.

"We're too late!" shouted the chibi. "The world is dooooooooomed Do you hear me?! Doooooooooooo- OW!!!"

"Get a hold of yourself," scolded Yuki in her robotic way. "Miss Suzumiya, Miss Asahina, and Koizumi are not dead. I am still detecting their life signs."

"Really? Phew. But... how do we save them? And without harming Mr. Kimidori?" asked Achakura.

"The object that Tsuruya is bringing over should work. Perhaps it will work just like how we imprisoned the data-life forms that troubled those dogs awhile ago. If so, then Tsuruya must also be bringing Shamisen," concluded Yuki.

"I hope it works," Kyon said nervously. "Otherwise the whole human race is screwed."

Suddenly two piercing screams rang out. Kyon knew them immediately.

"Taniguchi and Kunikida!" Kyon yelled as he grabbed Achakura. He and Yuki ran up the hall and made a left turn to find a horrible sight in front of them. Taniguchi was dangling from Mr. Kimidori's jaws by his jacket, while Kunikida was swinging wildly at the monster's face with his backpack. Complicating manners was the fact that the bird-face was taking jabs at Kunikida with its beak.

"Put me down, you stupid freak!" shouted Taniguchi. "I'm not a biscuit!"

"Drop him, you... you... thingy!" yelled Kunikida, whacking the bird-face in the eyes and stepping on one of the demon's toes.

"_**SILENCE!!!**_" growled Mr. Kimidori. With a toss of his head, Taniguchi was thrown into the air, and snatched up in Mr. Kimidori's jaws. Kunikida was too horrified by the sight to move, which allowed the bird's beak to grab him by the blazer and throw him into the upper mouth as well.

The demon licked its lips with both tongues. "**Ahhhhhhh... A tad plain, but the zesty flavor of the first one more than makes up for it...**"

Then he saw Kyon, Yuki, and Achakura watching him in silent horror. "**Oh! Fresh meat...**"

"Eep," said Achakura, passing out in a miniature coma.

Yuki and Kyon backed away as the oversized canine advanced on them. He seemed to have gotten even bigger. His wings now brushed against the ceiling of the hallway. Then with a roar, he leapt at them like a panther...

And was promptly dropkicked in the side by Tsuruya and Mori.

"_**Who dares to strike meeeee?!**_" demanded the demonic version of Mr. Kimidori.

"We dare!" announced Tsuruya. "We've come to put you down, dog!"

"We can't allow you to rule the world. It just wouldn't do," smiled Mori.

"**Then die!**" snarled Mr. Kimidori, swiping at them with his claws.

"Hey, Mori! If we don't survives this mess, I just want to say that you made a megas awesome rival, nyoro!" said Tsuruya.

"Likewise!" said Mori.

Kyon and Yuki watched in silence as Mori and Tsuruya lunged at Mr. Kimidori and threw various punches and kicks at his body. Every blow just bounced off his rubbery body. Suddenly, Arakawa appeared from behind Kyon and Yuki holding Shamisen and some kind of weird metal rod.

"Arakawa?" said a puzzled Kyon, "What's that rod for?"

"It's a very rare titanium-cesium alloy not found anywhere on Earth. It may be able to drive off the demon possessing Mr. Kimidori and free your friends as well," explained Arakawa. Kyon took the piece of metal in his hand and looked it over. Understandably, he had his doubts.

"So I just hold this in front of him and say 'Be gone, vile sprit!' or something?"

"Exactly."

"...You'll understand if I highly doubt this will work?"

"And why won't it work? It's a very good plan!"

"Have you even tested this thing out?!"

"This IS the test, Kyon!"

"I HATE YOU GUYS SO FUCKING MUCH."

While the men were arguing, Tsuruya and Mori were fighting for their lives. None of their attacks were even hurting him. Mr. Kimidori actually seemed to be getting angrier. In fact, a few muffled 'OWS!' were coming from within him. The duo decided their blows on someplace other than his body.

"**Who are YOU?**!" boomed Mr. Kimidori in a rage.

Mori continued to smile pleasantly, dodged a blob of poison spat from the snake-head and said, "I'm a maid who was just passing by..."

And then Mori whipped out a submachine gun from underneath her dress.

"TO KICK YOUR ASS!!!"

"I just came for the ass-kicking!" shouted Tsuruya, whipping out a katana from god-knows-where. "Prepare to be neutered!"

Tsuruya jumped several feet into the air and came down with a vicious stab. Mr. Kimidori's bird-head shot upwards and intercepted the attack with its beak. Tsuruya was flung to the side, but rebounded off a wall. The two green-colored fighters then began to trade blows. As katana and claws slashed, Mori unleashed a hail of lead from her gun. Unfortunately most of her ammo stopped in midair and clattered uselessly to the floor.

"_**BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! **_**Your puny attacks cannot hurt me! Only the weakness of the host can defeat me and none of you will live long enough to find out what it is!**" sneered Mr. Kimidori. His mouth opened incredibly wide and a huge black cloud poured out of it. Kyon saw that it wasn't smoke, but actually a cloud of buzzing flies. The filled the space in front of them and covered everything in sight. Achakura awoke because of the noise and began to spit furiously. She dropped from Kyon's arms and to the floor to where the insects where fewer in number. After a few seconds of buzzing, the flies disappeared into thin air. Yuki, Kyon, and Achakura gasped.

Arakawa, Mori, and Tsuruya were gone.

And standing in front of them was Mr. Kimidori who now looked more dinosaur than wolf. His eyes were now jet-black and the centers red and glowing. Mori's apron dangled from his jaws.

"**You're all mine now. Heh heh heh... After I've devoured you, this world will be mine,**" he rasped. "**Maybe you'll taste better than the others did. Maybe you'll get the taste of prune, lemon, and cheese out of my mouth... LET'S FIND OUT NOW!!!**"

As the green terror moved in for the kill, Kyon thrust out the pole.

"The power of Christ compels you!" he cried.

"**Cute,**" commented Mr. Kimidori, swiping a claw through the air. He struck the pole dead-on and almost knocked Kyon to the ground. The rod flew from his grasp and flew into the wall where it broke in two.

"Damn!" cursed Kyon.

Joyful at the fact that his prey was defenseless, the devil-dog lashed out with his tongues. One flew at Kyon and Achakura, but missed. The other was more successful and wrapped around Yuki's head. However, Yuki was able to grab both sides of the tongue and snap it back into the beast's mouth.

"Go, Nagato!" cheered Achakura. Suddenly an idea came to the blunette. An idea so crazy, so stupid, so incapable of not working that it just might work! Achakura dashed off down the hallway, leaving Kyon and Yuki to fend for themselves.

"Where is she going?!" screamed Kyon. "Is she abandoning us just to her own ski- Nagato?"

Yuki wasn't even listening to Kyon. She was clutching both sides of her head in a panic. She spun to face Kyon with a look of pure fear on her face.

"Kyon...!" Yuki said like she was having a panic attack, "My... My... My..."

"What, Nagato?" asked Kyon.

"My.......................... My headphones!"

"WHAAAT?!"

Both of them stared at Mr. Kimidori. He gave them an evil sneer and snapped his teeth. Yuki's eyes narrowed into poisonous slits. And then right before Kyon's eyes, Yuki began to walk straight up to the monstrosity in front of them.

"What are you doing, Nagato?" Kyon asked, even though he already knew the answer.

Yuki glanced back at Kyon, sent a chilling stare into his very soul, and whispered, "I'm going to get my headphones back."

And without a warning, Yuki dove straight into Mr. Kimidori's gaping maw. The dog monster hadn't expected this and began to choke. It gagged on the alien in its mouth and spat out some yellow goo. Kyon thought Yuki might reappear, but she didn't.

"_**GACK! Tastes like plastic! Bleah!**_" gagged Mr. Kimidori.

Kyon grew angry. "Those are my friends you just ate! Give them back or I'll..."

"**Have the flesh peeled off your bones? I'm not going to eat, you mortal. Oh, no. I'm going to shred you into confetti.**"

"Oh, crap."

Kyon backed away until he was up against a wall. Shaking, he turned to face his soon-to-be-murderer. This was it... He wasn't even going to leave behind a decent corpse for his folks to mourn. Might as well sell it.

"Nooooooo!!!" screamed Kyon as Mr. Kimidori reared back and lunged at him.

However, another sounded quickly drowned out his screaming.

_**POP!**_

Kyon felt his entire body get smacked by a foul-smelling liquid and many pieces of something light. At first, he thought it was the feeling people get when they die. However, when Kyon opened his eyes he found a startling sight in front of him. Slimy yellow goo and light green pieces of balloon were scattered throughout the hall. And sprawled out on the ground in front of him, drenched in slime, were the unconscious bodies of Mikuru, Itsuki, Haruhi, Taniguchi, Kunikida, Mori, Arakawa, Tsuruya, and Yuki with her headphones atop her head. And in Yuki's arms was a shaking, tiny Mr. Kimidori.

"Wow! It actually worked!" said a jubilant voice.

Kyon blinked and looked down. Standing a few feet away from his friends, and covered from head to toe in slime, was Achakura. Something gleamed in her tiny hands.

It was a sewing needle.

"You did it, Achakura... You saved everyone and the world!" exclaimed Kyon.

"Oh, I did what anyone would have done! I always look out for my friends!" gushed the blunette. "But don't let that stop you. Please go on."

***

**Two Days Later...**

***

Yuki sat in her favorite in the clubroom, typing away at her laptop. Smiling at her accomplishment at unlocking a new costume for her current girlfriend, Yuki reached over and took a sip of her tea. Nearby, Mikuru hummed a theme from a T.V. show she had forgotten the name of, while she cleaned up the table. Haruhi was off dragging Kyon and Itsuki to the Computer Club to argue about the credibility of the dragon skeleton.

Things had gotten back to normal ever since Mr. Kimidori's demonic possession. The little dog felt terrible at what he had done, but Yuki had assured him it was in no way any of his fault. Haruhi, Taniguchi, and Kunikida hadn't even remembered what had happened thanks to some data manipulation. The three were convinced they had just suffered what Itsuki had call a 'daymare'. Besides them, everyone else was all right. Other than severe mental trauma, there no other injuries or problems with anyone. Mori, Arakawa, and Tsuruya took off once Haruhi regained consciousness and promise they would return again if things took a turn for the worse again. For once, Kyon looked relieved at that statement.

"So, Nagato? How are things going for you?" asked Mikuru in an attempt to strike a conversation with her alien friend.

Pausing her game, Yuki looked up and said, "Things are quite fine. Mr. Kimidori is acting normally. And for Achakura..."

Mikuru smiled mischievously as Yuki's face took on a somewhat sour look. "She won't stop bragging about how she beat the demon and how you didn't?"

"Precisely."

"That Achakura!"

Turning back to her work, Mikuru looked over her shoulder and said, "Well at least you have the pleasure of knowing that it was you who sealed the demon away!"

"Yes," agreed Yuki, getting back to her game, "It was quite powerful, but I managed to lock it away in Shamisen just like I did with the entities inhabiting Sakanaka's dogs. Still put up a struggle though. Something about how it would enslave the human race another way."

"Well, at least it's gone!" Mikuru said cheerfully. Confident that she wouldn't have to relive that awful experience again, the maid skipped over to the table put away some of her stuff. Upon spotting her favorite pencil case, Mikuru picked it up and went over to her backpack to put it away. Zipping it open, Mikuru stuck her hand it to place it next to her uniform.

"OUCH!!"

Mikuru reeled back and stared at the three tiny scratches on the palm of her hand in bewilderment. Curious at what she had scratched herself on, she bent over and peeked into her bag on the floor. And then her mouth dropped open.

Muu-chan was standing rigidly on all four of his legs. His mane was jutting out like orange spikes and his fur was on end. Tiny claws poked out from his paws. The lion's tail bristled like a snake behind him, while his mouth bore many new rows of razor-sharp fangs. His new red eyes glowed like embers.

"_**Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...**_" growled Muu-chan.

"Umm... N-Nagato?" stammered Mikuru, "Are you s-sure you s-sealed the demon away?"

* * *

**A/N: I wonder if anyone will be able to look at Mr. Kimidori (or Muu-chan) the same way again after reading this? Oh, well. If I've managed to traumatize you in any way, then my work here is done! Next time get ready for costumes! And candy! And pranks!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your YELLOW-RIBBONED, HEADBAND-WEARING goddess demands it! **

**See! I got it right this time!**

"Yeah. You did. Great..." muttered Kyon, rolling his eyes.

**Damn straight, god's boy-toy!**

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!?!"


	58. The Halloween Special!

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: It's Halloween, everyone! A time for the monsters to come out of hiding and a time to get candy! Who could not love this holiday? Well, for my Halloween treat, I wrote three stories in one! The first is based on the SOS Brigade and the second is about the Anti-SOS Brigade. The first two stories occur at the same time. And the third one was suggested to me by Overactive Mind. Tell me what you thought of them all. Enjoy!**

**P.S. I did the research beforehand and saw that in Japan the they do in fact celebrate Halloween, but mostly for the commercial aspects. They do celebrate a Halloween-like festivity called the Obon festival, which is pretty much the Japanese equivalent of Mexico's Day of the Dead. Just wanted to point this out so you guys wouldn't have to waste your time looking up the info. But then again, this is a crack fic so I guess cultural accuracies have already been thrown out the window.**

**And credit goes to my sister, The Solar Being, for coming up with the title of the first one. **

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**It's the Great Pumpkin, Haruhi Suzumiya!:**

A chilly air blew through the streets of Japan. Jack-o-lanterns sat on the front of every doorstep. It was October the 31st and the SOS Brigade had decided to get together to celebrate a Western-style Halloween at Tsuruya's mansion. Since it was a costume party, all five teens had purchased costumes for themselves. Tsuruya's bash would be in two hours so that gave Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki more than enough time to go over to Kyon's house. Ever since they started dating, Haruhi had announced that she and Kyon would be going together as a pair, which meant that their costumes had to have a theme. And that meant Haruhi would be at Kyon's house as well.

The three supernatural buddies quickly arrived at Kyon's house. His mother opened the door and let in her son's three school chums. Mikuru was dressed in a black cat suit (Haruhi's choice- not hers). Yuki had come in her witch outfit, but looked more like typical Halloween witch with warts and green face paint. Itsuki had arrived dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow, which actually suited him quite well. After thanking Kyon's mother for letting them in, the trio ascended the stairs to Kyon's room. Upstairs they saw Imouto (dressed as Misty from Pokémon) with her ear against the door. Loud noises could be heard from within.

"Quit being a pain and put it on, Kyon!"

"Haruhi, I know I said I'd dress up with you, but this is ridiculous! I'll be laughed right out of Tsuruya's party!"

"No, you won't! Quit making up excuses!"

"I'm not making up excuses! I'm not wearing that costume!"

"Why not?"

"It's so...... stupid! Not to mention completely emasculating!"

"Kyon, you will put on this costume and enjoy it! I picked it out myself just for you! Now I'm going to go stand outside and wait for you to put it on. Unless you want me to dress you myself..."

"Get out. I've got to change."

"Good boy."

Imouto backed away as the door opened and shut quickly. Haruhi beamed at her three friends and Kyon's sister in their costumes.

"Great! You're all here! Excellent costumes! Especially you, Mikuru. Well? What do you think?" she asked with a flourish. Haruhi appeared to be wearing a costume similar to the bunny outfit, except that it was covered with black and yellow stripes. Two transparent wings stuck out on her back and two bouncy antennas dangled from atop her head. And instead of a fluffy tail, a black spike stuck out from Haruhi's rear. Also on top of her head was a tiny gold crown. Haruhi had obviously dressed up as a literal queen bee.

"What a lovely costume, Miss Suzumiya," smiled Itsuki.

"Looks cute!" agreed Mikuru.

Yuki just stared at Haruhi and then at the door.

"Thank you, guys! We would have gotten sooner, but Kyon decided to be difficult," said Haruhi.

"No, I wasn't!" came Kyon's voice from behind the door.

"What's wrong with, Kyon?" asked Mikuru, while adjusting her cat ears.

"Kyon didn't appreciate the costume I made for him," said a miffed Haruhi. "I went through all the trouble of adjusting it to fit him and he doesn't even say thanks to me. Hmpf!"

"Thanks... for making me a costume that will probably get my ass kicked tonight," deadpanned Kyon.

"Just hurry up and put on the costume! I wanna get to Tsuruya's party before anyone else does! That way we can plant fake spiders and bats everywhere for the guests to find!"

"At least I won't look like I'm making my Mexican T.V. debut!"

"KYON!!!"

"All right, all right, all right. I'm coming out. Just promise not to laugh... too much."

And with that the door swung open. Imouto, Mikuru, Yuki, Itsuki watched as Kyon stepped out. If they expected him to be dressed as a bee, they were dead wrong. Kyon's body was mostly covered in a forest-green robe that went all the way down to his feet. His arms were enveloped in two giant triangles that were made out of green construction paper. And surrounding his entire head was a ring of white oblong objects that stuck out in several directions. As Kyon scowled at them all, it became clear to everyone on what he was dressed as.

Kyon was a giant daisy.

Imouto was the first to start laughing. Itsuki followed afterwards, snickering with his hand on his mouth. Mikuru just cooed about how 'cute' he looked. Yuki stared and blinked at him.

"Unique," she said.

"Yes, Nagato. Kyon looks _very _unique," agreed Itsuki.

The only one not laughing at Kyon's costume (besides Yuki) was Haruhi herself. She actually looked annoyed that they found this silly.

"What you guys laughing at? The daisy is one of the most vicious forms of plant-life in the whole world! It lures other flowers in with its delicate appearance and then it strikes! Before long, any other plant growing nearby suffers a slow and painful death at its roots! Back in ancient Rome, whenever the Romans went into battle the surgeons who accompanied them would order their slaves to pick sacks full of daisies in order to extract their nectar. Then they would use that very nectar for bandages that the soldiers could use for their wounds. THAT MEANS THAT THE DAISY REPRESENTS WAR AND STRIFE AND IS NOT ONE TO BE TRIFLED WITH!!!"

Imouto just laughed even harder.

"Oh, what do you know, you philistine!" huffed Haruhi. "Shouldn't you be running off to go trick-or-treating with your little kiddy friends?"

"Hey! Don't make fun of my friends!" shouted back Imouto. "It's not my fault that my mom is making me go trick-or-treating with my friends! I'd rather be at home waiting for the Great Pumpkin..."

Kyon stopped adjusting his petals and said, "What are you talking about?"

"The Great Pumpkin! Haven't you ever heard of him?"

"Nope."

"What?! You've never heard of him? He's the great spirit of Halloween! Every Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the nearest pumpkin patch that he finds the most sincere. Once he appears. he flies through the air spreading toys and candy for all of the good children in the world! But if you doubt his existence, he doesn't appear! And I'm going to miss him this year!"

"...And just where did you hear about this enchanted gourd, sis?"

Imouto folded her arms in front of herself and said in a confident voice, "Miyoko told me!"

Kyon chuckled half-heartedly. "Sorry to burst your bubble, Imouto, but I think that Miyoko was just pulling your leg. There's no such..."

Kyon had trailed off on his explanation the moment he saw Haruhi's face. She was staring at Imouto with a look of pure amazement on her face. She had obviously been hanging on every inch of Imouto's story. Her eyes shimmered with a child-like curiosity and her mouth was set in a wide smile.

_Oh, crap..._ thought Kyon.

"Is it true, Imouto? I have absolutely never heard of the Great Pumpkin before! Is it all true?!" Haruhi asked eagerly, antennas bobbing up and down.

"Yup! All true!" beamed Imouto, happy she'd found a fellow Great Pumpkin enthusiast. As they chatted, Kyon looked straight at Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki. All three seemed quite uncomfortable. And for good reason too.

"That settles it!" Haruhi said suddenly. "Everyone, before we head off to Tsuruya's party, we are going to head off to the nearest and sincerest pumpkin patch!"

And that's when Kyon facepalmed himself with a leaf.

***

**7 Minutes Later...**

***

It wasn't even midnight yet and Kyon was already having a lousy Halloween. After dropping off his sister at Miyoko's place (where he was laughed at), they walked down the street (where he was laughed at again), and came to the only available pumpkin patch in town (where the owner laughed at him). Now here he was sitting with Haruhi and the others on the dirty ground, waiting for some stupid gift-giving veggie to show up. And given Haruhi's powers, it probably would. They'd been sitting here for a good hour and a half.

Oh, well. At least his costume was so thick that the chilly October barely affected him at all. Not so much with everyone else.

"I-I'm c-c-c-cold..." shivered Mikuru.

"It is a bit frigid out here in this pumpkin patch," mused Itsuki. "And Tsuruya's party will be starting soon."

Yuki just toyed around with her wand.

"Fine then. You guys can go. Have a blast. I, however, am going to remain in this patch, get our presents, and capture the Great Pumpkin!" declared Haruhi. Obeying her orders, the three supernatural masqueraders got up, gave Kyon a few longing looks, and slowly filed out of the pumpkin patch.

"Aren't you going with them?" Haruhi asked her giant flowery companion.

Kyon blinked at her from the pumpkin he was leaning against and said, "If I left that would mean I would be missing the Great Pumpkin as well."

"So... you'll stay with me?" Haruhi asked in an almost shy voice.

"Sure. Who knows? Maybe the Great Pumpkin is a better gift-giver than Santa Claus!"

"...Thanks."

And so the bee and the daisy sat together in the pumpkin patch for a bit. After a about two minutes, Haruhi was beginning to regret not bring a sweater out on such a cold night. Seeing his girlfriend shiver like a wet dog, Kyon slid up to her and wrapped his leaves around her.

"Oh!"

"You looked cold."

"Just warn me next time you do that!"

"Sure."

There was silence for a few seconds.

"......Hey, Kyon?"

"Yeah?"

"Since we're all alone together in this pumpkin patch together... How about you and I just skip Tsuruya's party and... pollinate~?"

"........Wow, Haruhi! Your cornball flirting really turns me on!"

"I was just kidding, you blockhead!"

Haruhi stood up so fast that her stinger almost hit Kyon in the face. She attempted to walk away, but stumbled over some large object. She would have fallen to the ground if Kyon hadn't caught her.

"You okay?" Kyon asked politely.

"Yeah... I'm fine," replied Haruhi, standing up straight. "I tripped over that stupid pump-"

That's when Haruhi noticed that the thing she tripped over _wasn't_ a pumpkin.

"Kyon! LOOK!!!"

"Huh? What are you point-"

Kyon's jaw dropped to the soil below. Haruhi was currently pointing at five huge bags of candy and toys lying on the ground that hadn't been there a moment ago. And walking away from them was a tall, round, orange figure. The figure turned, winked at them with his big glowing eyes, and then flew away into the dark October sky, laughing merrily all the while.

"Did you see him, Kyon?! He came after all! THE GREAT PUMPKIN IS REAL!!!" Haruhi screamed. As the girl in the bee costume danced around excitedly, Kyon slapped himself with a leafy hand, and said two words that could be best used to describe the whole situation.

"Good grief."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**Trick or Trick?:**

Sasaki sighed before taking a bite out of the brain-shaped cupcake Kyouko had baked. It was Halloween night and instead of being locked up with her parents and watching cheap horror movies, she had decided to visit her three paranormal pals. At the moment, they were lounging about Kyouko's apartment, snacking on candy and cupcakes, and griping about their day. Hey, even antagonistic foil characters get to have a day off too, ya know.

"So... anything you guys wanna do?" inquired Kyouko from her favorite chair. "We could watch a movie."

"Nah," muttered Fujiwara, inspecting his fingernails. "Nothing good on. Unless you guys want to watch a cheesy Halloween horror flick."

Kuyou stirred in her small chair. "__Halloween?__"

"Oh, that's right. Kuyou, you've never actually celebrated Halloween before, have you?"

"__No,__"

"YOU'VE NEVER CELEBRATED HALLOWEEN?!?!" bellowed Kyouko as though Kuyou had just shattered the Ten Commandments. "Then what are we standing around here for? We have to ensure that Kuyou experiences a true Halloween! It would be a crime if she didn't!"

"But even if we wanted to, Kyouko, we would still need costumes," Fujiwara reminded her.

Kyouko grinned deviously. "Not to worry everyone! I've got it all under control!"

***

**One Costume Change Later...**

***

"Well, guys? What do you think?" asked Kyouko as she pirouetted in her costume, which consisted of blue and pink armor that hung on her body like a tube-top and mini-skirt. She was also holding a cartoony-looking wand as well.

"Ummm... Kyouko? Who or what are you dressed as?" asked Sasaki who was dressed as Snow White.

"Can't you tell, Sasaki? I'm the Dark Magician Girl!" announced the esper.

"You look more like a medieval go-go dancer," groaned Fujiwara who was dressed up as a scarecrow. Wizard of Oz or Batman, no one knew. The only one not dressed as something was Kuyou. Remembering this, Kyouko ran into her own room and returned with a sheet. And with a toss of her hand, she flung it on top of the alien's head.

"Just a few eye-holes and you'll be good to go!" smiled the esper.

"I may think that Halloween is a childish and inane holiday," began Fujiwara as he yanked off the sheet and took Kuyou by the hand, "But I will not sit idly by, while you dress up our teammate in the world's lamest Halloween costume."

"Oh? And I suppose YOU could do better?"

"I could. In fact, I will."

And with that, Fujiwara took Kuyou into Kyouko's bedroom and shut the door. Five minutes later, they returned. Sasaki and Kyouko looked at their long-haired friend's new attire. Kuyou was wearing the sheet like a nightshirt (Fujiwara had cut in some holes) and was barefoot. White powder and black mascara had been applied to her face. It also seemed that Fujiwara had ruffled her hair a bit.

"Hey, everyone! Meet, Sadako Suou!" the time-traveler said.

"Ohhh, she looks so cute!" gushed Kyouko, pinching Kuyou's cheek.

"Cute?! She can induce heart attacks for crying out loud!"

"Guys?" piped up Sasaki, "I don't mean to be a killjoy, but aren't we a little TOO old to go trick or treating?"

Kyouko and Fujiwara grinned at her evilly and then whispered to Kuyou, who then nodded. Sasaki didn't like where this was headed. In a matter of moments, the four were at Fujiwara's van. The time-traveler opened the back doors and inside was every single item needed to complete a Halloween prank-raid. Toilet paper, snacks, eggs, and other messy items. Sasaki gasped in wonder.

"What we going to do?" Sasaki asked nervously.

"We're going to show the true meaning of Halloween to our friend, Kuyou..." grinned Kyouko.

"By spreading some joy to five individuals who are very, very, very close to our hearts..." finished Fujiwara with a sinister smile.

Kuyou just watched as two of her friends threw back their heads and laughed maniacally.

***

**Itsuki's House**

***

"Now, Kuyou," said Fujiwara in a dead-on imitation of Martha Stewart, "For a fancy bedspread such as this, simply take a few bags of Cheetos, crunch them up until you're sure the contents are a fine orange powder, and then sprinkle lightly."

"___I see,___" replied Kuyou as she poured the smashed-up snack foods onto Itsuki's bedspread, blankets, and pillows.

"Good. And for a little creative flair, just take one of these Sno Balls and fling it at the ceiling. Make sure to throw them really hard so that the flakes stick. Feel free to mash them into the carpet as well."

"___Interesting...___"

"Thatta girl."

***

**Mikuru's House**

***

"Okay, Kuyou! In order to bring out the colors in such fashionable clothes, apply a light coat of pencil shavings, a layer of Silly String, and finish up with some good-old fashioned hole-puncher pieces," explained Kyouko as she mixed the items with Mikuru's blouses and skirts. Kuyou mimicked her actions, but with Mikuru's underwear instead.

"Hmmmmmmmm. I think we're missing one crucial ingredient..."

"___Kyouko?___"

"Yes?"

"__How about______some hot_____fudge?__"

"Brilliant, Kuyou! You're a fast learner!"

***

**Yuki's Apartment**

***

Ryoko Asakura slept soundly in her bed. Ever since Yuki had revived her, she'd been living with her ever since. She was in the middle of a dream when it happened. Something was tickling her nose. She tried to ignore it, but it persisted. So she moved her right hand to scratch it.

_Splat._

"What?!" yelled Ryoko as she shot up. Her entire hand had been covered in whipped cream. And now so was her entire face. Ryoko couldn't see from her vantage point, but accompanying the cream were some doodles. Someone had drawn a French mustache on her upper lip, cat whiskers on her cheeks, a skull on her nose, and the word 'LOSER' on her forehead in black marker.

And for some weird reason, the room was upside down.

"What is going on here?!" demanded the blunette from her place on the ceiling. She began to throw the covers off and felt something next her. Something soft. She wiped the cream away, grabbed the objects, and froze.

Her eyebrows.

Someone had shaved them off.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Out in the hall, Fujiwara, Sasaki, Kyouko were laughing their asses off and high-fiving Kuyou's hair tentacles.

***

**Kyon's House**

***

"Heh heh! Call me a sneering bastard will he? Let's see how he likes this!" laughed Fujiwara. Stepping back the Anti-SOS Brigade admired their handiwork. Covering the entire side of Kyon's house was a goofy caricature of him in spray-paint with the words 'FROWNING DOUCHEBAG' underneath.

"While I normally don't approve of vandalism, I admire your penmanship, Fujiwara," mused Sasaki.

"Thank you. And might I say, Kyouko and Kuyou. You two did an excellent job on Kyon's face!"

"Why thank you!"

"__Thanks.__Not as nice___ as the flaming bag of pumpkin____innards we left___on the___doorstep.____"

"True, Kuyou. True"

***

**Haruhi's House**

***

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!?!" shouted Oruki. He and Naru had been spending a peaceful Halloween night together when they heard some noises outside. Decorating their lawn were hundreds of plastic forks jammed into it like miniature skeleton hands. Toilet paper hung everywhere and eggs were splattered on their car.

"I think we've been pranked," Naru said as though she'd solved a Sherlock Holmes mystery.

Suddenly, some hushed giggling came from the bushes.

"WHO'S OUT THERE?!?!" snarled Oruki.

"Oh, crap!" said an unknown male voice. "It's old man Suzumiya!"

"Come out this instant before I kick all of your asses!" threatened Oruki.

A second later, several eggs flew out and smacked right into the father of the world's goddess. Oruki just stood there completely stunned. And to add insult to injury, a water balloon soared out and hit him on the head. There was the sound of raucous laughter and then some fleeing footsteps.

"Well, look on the bright side, honey!" said Naru (who was completely untouched) as she came up to her egged husband.

"Bright side? BRIGHT SIDE?! NARU, HOW DOES THIS HAVE A BRIGHT SIDE?!?!" yelled the angered man.

Naru picked up a roll of toilet paper and smiled like a five-year old.

"Now I won't have to go shopping for plastic forks and toilet paper tomorrow!"

Oruki stared at his wife for a good while, before he facepalmed.

Miles away, the Anti-SOS Brigade was running through the empty streets with wide smiles on their faces.

"Well, Kuyou?" asked Sasaki, feeling somewhat guilty after their nightly activities, "Did you like Halloween?"

Kuyou nodded and said, "___Yes.___I learned many____things tonight.___But..."

"What?" asked Kyouko.

And then Kuyou grinned for the first time since she'd been to Earth. "___I want to___do it again next year!___"

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A Churuya Halloween:**

"I'm ready for Halloween!" cried Churuya who was dressed as a pumpkin.

"Oh, good," said Haruhi, who was passing by, "Just what I needed."

Moments later, Churuya was on Haruhi's front porch holding a candle in her hand.

"Nyoro~n."

***

**Later...**

***

"I wonder if the yellow stuff in the pumpkin is really smoked cheese?" said Churuya she shook a pumpkin. Finding it empty, she headed over to another one. This one felt full.

"Oh! Smoked cheese?" Churuya said to herself. She popped open the top of the orange gourd and found...

...Taniguchi staring up at her.

"I am a seedless pumpkin..."

"Nyoro~n."

***

**Elsewhere...**

***

"Kyon! Kyon!" shouted Ashakura, "Guess what I'm dressed as!"

Kyon stared at the small girl. She was wearing her normal everyday uniform.

"I give up. What are you supposed to be?" asked Kyon.

Ashakura blushed. "I'm your true love, Kyon..."

Kyon blinked a few times and said, "That's a terrible costume.

"W-W-What?!"

***

**Later...**

***

Churuya emptied her Halloween bag onto her table to see her haul from the night. But inside wasn't candy.

"I got... rocks?"

Sad that no one gave her candy, she tipped the rest of the bag out in futility. However, something else rolled out this time.

Chruuya gasped. "Smoked cheese!"

She didn't see Kyon hiding behind the corner, watching her, and smiling inwardly. Churuya picked up her treasured snack and smiled happily.

"Happy Halloween to everyone!"

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: What Churuya said. ^_^**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	59. The Scariest Chapter Yet

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Inspired by a picture I saw on the SOS-dan image board website.**

**Halloween may be over for you guys, but this author has one more frightening tale to share with you all. One that is sure to curl your toes, curdle your blood, and make your teeth chatter. Something so full of mind-numbing terror that those with heart conditions and who are pregnant may want to avoid this story all together. **

**Because my loyal readers, this chapter answers the vile and dark question of...**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**If The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Was Owned by 4Kids:**

_We, the folks at 4Kids would like to take a few moments of your time to present to you a brand-new show that is sure to appeal to audience members both young and old! A show teaches both valuable morals and mixes it with interesting, wholesome, supernatural fun! We'd like to present to you..._

_**Harriet's Life**_

A girl with a yellow headband and matching ribbons was walking up a hill towards a school in the mystical foreign land of Japan. This happy child goes by the moniker of Harriet Stevens. She was a very hard-working and friendly girl. She was humming a happy tune to herself as she left the house she lived at with her parents, Oliver and Nancy. On the outside she seemed like your garden-variety high school student. But in reality, Harriet possessed a hidden and great power.

The power of _**imagination**_.

Three years ago, Harriet had admitted to an entire baseball field a shocking secret about herself.

She didn't believe in Santa Claus anymore!

Or the Easter Bunny! Or the Tooth Fairy! Or leprechauns! Or Tom Turkey!

This was terrible because if Harriet didn't believe in these things then they would disappear forever! And then the world would become dull and boring! And then kids would have to eat their vegetables and do homework! Gadzooks!

But now everything was okay with Harriet. As she reached the apex of the hill, she began to wave. Her friends all smiled happily from their waiting spot when she came towards them.

"Hiya, guys!" Harriet said enthusiastically.

"Hello, Harriet!" greeted a tall boy with brown hair and kind eyes. His name was Lawrence, but ever since an incident involving his young sister (who everyone called Penny) and his aunt, the boy was known by the affectionate nickname of Coin. He and Harriet had met a long time ago in school and didn't like each other that much. But now they were inseparable. In fact, Coin liked Harriet a lot. As in 'like-like'. But he couldn't tell her! Because they were friends! And it would be weird! But she liked him too, but couldn't say anything because she thought he liked the other girls that they were friends with so it was even weirder! Oh, the travesty of it all!

It's also important to mention that Coin had met Harriet an even longer time ago. When Harriet was very young, Coin went back in time to show her what true compassion felt like. Ever since then, Harriet had wanted to help out others and be the best person she could. All because of the guy who had called himself Pocahontas.

"Greetings to you too, Harriet!" said another friend. Right next to Coin, was a sandy-haired boy with an equally joyful smile on his face. His name was Ishmael Clarkson, and he and Coin were terrific pals. Great chums, you might even say! Ishmael always had a word of wisdom that everyone was always eager to hear. But what Harriet didn't know was that everyone else knew that Ishmael was a powerful psychic who drew his strength from happy emotions. And without enough happy emotions, he would fade away into nothingness! He worked for a good-will group called the Goody-goodies and all of them were psychics too! His best friends in the group were named Mr. Arnold, Ms. Maureen, and two brothers called Keith and Yurek.

"Nice to see you today, Harriet!" squealed a pretty red-headed girl who went by the name of Maggie Applebee. She used to be a timid and quiet girl, because all of the other girls would make fun of her for having such an underdeveloped chest. But ever since she had befriended Harriet and the others, Maggie learned it was the way you viewed yourself that was most important. Maggie was also not normal- she was a time-traveler who came from a future without toys! Only vast amounts of homework! It was her job to ensure that the future was fun for people of all ages!

"What a pleasant day. Don't you all agree?" asked the fifth friend of their little group. It was a cute girl with lavender-colored hair and glasses. She went by the name of Vicki Nelson and she was the smartest kid in the whole school. Everyone called her a nerd or four-eyes because of her intelligence. But not anymore. Because Vicki had learned that people who make fun of you are not your friends. People who invite you over for ice cream or compliment you on your clothes are your friends. An if you've been following the format so far, then you won't be surprised when I tell you that Vicki is not human. Oh no. Vicki was an alien sent from outer space to observe Harriet and learn about the true meaning of love. Because the sad part was that poor little Vicki could not love. Because her heart was made out of wires and gears and other icky metal thingies. Doesn't that just tug on your heartstrings?

The five friends began to talk about how they could improve on themselves and help out another poor soul who came to their special after-school club. You see, Harriet and her friends had a made a club that helped other kids find clubs to join as well as counsel them on their problems. In short, they had created...

**F**inding **R**eally **I**nteresting clubs to **E**nter is **N**ever **D**ifficult for **S**tevens, Harriet!

Or the F.R.I.E.N.D.S Brigade for short.

"What delightful activity should we embark on today, my wonderful and charming companions?" asked Harriet, fluttering her eyelashes and sending out a storm of anime sparkles that could slice through the hull of a ship.

"We're getting a brand-new computer from the Computer Club today!" giggled Maggie, wearing a diabetes-inducing smile.

"How exquisite!" gushed Ishmael, gesticulating with his hands like a comic-relief character. "I do so enjoy being friends with the Computer Club! Especially the president, Terry!"

"As do I!" piped up Vicki with a solar-powered grin. "It's nice to share stuff with your friends!"

"It sure is, Vicki!" said Coin, smiling like a morphine-induced patient. "Ha ha ha!"

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Harriet.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Maggie.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Ishmael.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Vicki.

"HA HA HA!!!" they all laughed together. The group continued their walk into school. As they skipped through the doors, two girls ran up to them.

"Hey, guyth! It thure ith a thuper-duper day for thcool, huh? Neato!" grinned a girl with ankle-length green hair and a fang. This was Maggie's best friend, Sarah. She had a bit of a lisp which made her feel self-conscious, until she met Harriet and the others and received one of their famous friendship speeches. Her favorite catchphrase was the word neato. Sarah also had a fondness for Swiss cheese.

"Great to see you all on this extremely pleasant day!" chirped a very beautiful girl with dazzling blue hair and matching eyes. This was Vicki's best friend in the whole world and the most popular girl in school: Rikki Alison. Rikki was the class president in Harriet's class and an alien like Vicki. Because of her popularity, most kids thought she was stuck-up and bossy and this made her feel sad. But now she discovered that people who judge you based solely on your appearance are stupid jerk-faces and shouldn't be your friends!

"Hello, Sarah and Rikki! Hey, where are those two guys who are your special sweethearts?" asked Harriet.

"You mean Tom and Kevin?" responded Rikki. "They went on a fieldtrip so that they could read to the blind! Tom is such fantastic guy! He says he won't kiss me or hold my hand until we're married!"

"Thath really, really, really, thweet! I with that Kevin and I could thpend more time together like you two! But he'th alwayth volunteering himthelf to go help out at the local thoup kitchenth! I thill think he'th a great friend! Neato!" beamed Sarah.

"That reminds me!" said Harriet, turning to Coin. "Did you send in the applications for our big bake-sale?"

"Yup!" said Coin, "I forwarded it to the secretary of the Student Council. That girl with the green hair named Emily Kimmel. She gave it to the president named Syrus, and he said it was okay!"

"Hooray!" yelled everyone in unison.

"But that's not all!" smiled Coin."I also got my old childhood friend to help us out! And she's bringing her friends too!"

"What are their names again?" asked Ishmael.

"Well, my friend is named Sally. Her friends are named Kylie, Frederick, and Coco."

"Excellent work, Coin! Just for your hard work and diligence, I'm going to give you a penalty!" announced Harriet.

"A penalty? What kind of penalty?" asked a confused Coin.

Harriet grinned, threw her hands into the air, and shouted...

"LET'S HAVE A GROUP-HUG!!!"

"YAY!!!" said everyone else as they hugged while inspirational rap music played in the background.

"Now," said Harriet after they finished their hug, "Let's go to our retrospective classes and try our very best to overcome our personal challenges. Because knowledge is power! AND THEN WE CAN ALL MEET LATER IN THE CLUBROOM FOR SUGER-FROSTED-EXTRA-CHOCOLATY-HONEY-GLAZED-JELLY-FILLED-SNACK-CAKES!!!"

"YIPPEE!!!" screamed everyone. And then they all clasped hands, and skipped down the hallway, ready to bring excitement, joy, and wonder to all they met.

However, unbeknownst to young Harriet, her friends are working hard around the clock and trying to keep her from being sad and depressed. Should Harriet ever begin to doubt the true meaning of friendship, then the entire world is doomed! Because slowly but surely, the entire world will be swallowed up by...

...

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_**THE SHADOW REALM!!!**_

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

**A/N: Listen. Did you hear that? Listen closely. That was the sound of your sanity committing suicide in the empty space your soul used to occupy. **

**Next chapter will have some Mikuru-based shorts in it. I've neglected her enough time in limelight since AVTT, haven't I?**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	60. It's Mikuru, Everybody!

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Holy watermelons, Batman! I didn't expect the last chapter to get so many reviews! I knew my skills at mentally-scaring people would finally pay off one day! ;)**

**This idea was suggested to me by Akai-Kurenai awhile back. I noticed that I haven't even mentioned Big-Mikuru or centered a short story about little Mikuru for a LONG time since AVTT. So to make up for it, here's several shorts in one. And in case any of you guys are wondering, I don't hate Mikuru. I actually kinda like her. I find it sad when I read about how people hate her because of her voice and how she's a huge slut that gets in the way of the more popular pairings. It's not her fault that she hasn't been given any character development and been used as a chew-toy and puppet by everyone. Then again, this makes it extremely easy to write jokes about her.**

**Mikuru suffers from the same problem as Jessica Rabbit: She's not bad; she's just drawn that way.**

**Have fun and tell me what you guys think.**

**The fourth one was inspired by a Lucky Star comic I once read.**

* * *

**Haruhi's Worst Nightmare:**

The moment Haruhi entered the SOS Brigade Clubroom, she knew that something was horribly wrong.

"M-M-M-Mikuru," she stuttered to the room's lone occupant, "What did you do to yourself?!"

"Oh, this?" Mikuru said, pointing down at her chest. "Well, you see, Miss Suzumiya, I was having these absolutely terrible back pains a week ago so I went to the doctor for a check-up. He told me it was because of the incredible amount of weight on my chest. So I went to tell Tsuruya about it and she was nice enough to take me to the hospital for a procedure to straighten out my spine!"

Haruhi desperately fought against the urge to vomit. "A-And you got...?"

Mikuru smiled. "Yes, Miss Suzumiya! I got breast reduction surgery!"

It was true. Mikuru's voluptuous figure was now as flat as an ironing board. Next to her, Yuki looked like Pamela Anderson. Hell, even Imouto who was barley big enough to fill out a training bra looked bustier. Clutching the sides of her head, Haruhi collapsed to the floor and began to weep like a child.

Then she shot up to her feet, grinning wildly.

"Mikuru! Which hospital did you go to?" she asked energetically.

"Ummm, the one down the street across from Tsuruya's house. Why do you ask?" Mikuru wondered.

Haruhi didn't answer; she was already grabbing her coat and running out the door. Curious, Mikuru stuck her head out and shouted after her.

"Where are you going, Miss Suzumiya?"

"To the hospital!" yelled Haruhi. "I want to get there fast before they throw the fat they sucked out of you away! Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll be able to keep it in a jar next to my bed!"

Mikuru blinked. "Oh. Well, maybe if you hurry you can still- WHAT THE FUCK?!?! YOU'LL KEEP A JAR OF MY WHAT NEXT TO YOUR WHAT???!!!"

* * *

**Age Before Beauty:**

"So... you're me?"

"Yes."

Mikuru couldn't believe it. Standing right before her was a woman that looked exactly like her. Her future-self. She'd been looking for Yuki and Itsuki when she'd bumped into this woman coming out of their clubroom.

"Are you absolutely sure you're me?" Mikuru asked her elder self.

Big-Mikuru smiled soothingly, like a mother with her child. "Yes I am. There's no need to be frightened at all."

Mikuru stared at her for a few more seconds before she let out a horrified gasp.

"Oh, my god...... I'M SO OLD!!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!?!?"

Seconds later, Big-Mikuru was chasing her younger-self through the halls of North High School.

* * *

**The Dark Side of Mikuru:**

"Hurry, Kyon!" shouted Big-Mikuru, "We haven't got a moment to lose!"

Kyon was confused. He'd entered the clubroom afterschool and encountered Mikuru from the future. And before he could say anything, she was dragging him out the door.

"Excuse me, Asahina? But what's going on?" Kyon asked.

Big-Mikuru turned toward Kyon with a look of horror on her face. "Kyon, I'm taking you to the future! We have to stop a horrible event from occurring! And it involves your sister!"

A thrill of fear passed through his body. Imouto was in danger? This was serious!

"What happens to Imouto? Is she hurt? Does she die?!" demanded Kyon. "Is it classified information? Please tell me!"

Big-Mikuru stopped running and faced Kyon. She took a few deep breaths and relaxed. Then she looked around suspiciously.

"All right, Kyon. I'm going to tell you what happens to your sister. It's classified, but... it's just too horrible to keep to myself!"

"What happens?!"

"Okay, okay. Kyon... Your sister..."

"Yeah...?"

"MARRIES A JEW!!!"

"....Huh?"

"What's the matter? Has the sudden fear made you speechless with fright?!"

"...I'm okay with that."

"What...?"

"I'm okay with my sister marrying a Jewish person."

"Oh. You are?"

"Yes. I am."

"I see..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Ummm... Do you wanna see my mole again?"

"I am extremely uncomfortable around you right now."

* * *

**Tsundereblob:**

Mikuru sat in the bedroom of her small apartment, thinking to herself. She thought about all the times Haruhi had told her to be moe. Sure it distracted Haruhi from causing trouble whenever she wanted to 'play' with, but nowadays, Haruhi barely even acknowledged her presence. There was one simple reason why.

Haruhi was getting bored of her.

And a bored Haruhi meant there was extra work for Kyon, Yuki, and Itsuki.

"I wish I could help them all out in some way," Mikuru mused, twirling a loose strand of hair. "But what can I do? Miss Suzumiya is getting bored of moe stuff and I-"

Suddenly, inspiration struck Mikuru like a Large Body Heartless on a catapult.

"That's it! I'll change my appeal! I'll act like a tsundere! That way I can identify with Miss Suzumiya and entertain her at the same time! What a smart idea!" laughed the time-traveler.

And so the very next day, Mikuru showed off her new tsundere attitude to all her friends.

_-With Haruhi-_

"No, Miss Suzumiya! I don't think you talk too much or have an unrealistically high opinion of yourself. Nor do I mind the subtle advances you use on Kyon with all the slutty outfits you own!"

_-With Kyon-_

"That's okay, Kyon! I don't mind it at all when you give me one of those creepy stares or the fact that you secretly enjoy it when Miss Suzumiya harasses me!"

_-With Yuki-_

"Here you go, Nagato! I found one of those hentai games you like so much! Hope you enjoy it! Then again with your completely boring and uninteresting social life, I'm sure you'll beat it in no time!"

_-With Itsuki-_

"No, Koizumi. I think you're a very good friend and ally. I just wish you'd stop flipping your hair thirty-seven times a day. It's very hard to take you seriously when it looks like you walked out of an Abercrombie and Fitch ad."

_-With Ryoko-_

"Well, Miss Asakura, now that you mention it, I always thought from far away that you were a boy when we took P.E. You know, one of those guys with the nice hands and who always keeps up their appearance. I always thought it was weird, what with the shape of your chest and your legs, but I guess what really got me thinking that you were a boy were your eyebrows. Not many girls I know can pull off the whole 'The-Fourth-Jonas-Brother' look."

_-With Taniguchi-_

"That's okay, Taniguchi! I'm sure someday you'll find a girl who won't despise you like everyone else at this school!"

_-With Kunikida-_

"Don't worry, Kunikida. One of these days, you'll develop a personality that isn't as bland as a glass of wheat grass juice and stop being mistaken as a household plant or a piece of furniture. More tea?"

_-With Tsuruya-_

"Hello, Tsuru-"

"Please, Mikuru! Just... Just... JUST DON'T!!!"

* * *

**A/N: I highly enjoyed the fourth one. Maids rule. :)**

**The next chapter shall contain... PIRATES!!! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it!**


	61. She's a Pirate: Part One

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Written for Nederbird who's reviews I enjoy reading very much. Pirates! Since there all so many pirate-related things I could parody, I added a short list of what references you'll find in this chapter and the next. This includes:**

**Pirates of the Caribbean**

**Donkey Kong Country The Animated Series**

**One Piece**

**Treasure Island**

**Peter Pan**

**A certain internet song**

**Pirate terms in general**

**I split in half since it seemed pretty long at first and I had plenty of material for you guys. Also, kudos to JonBob0008 for his latest chapter in "Meet the Suzumiyas". Very good. I decided to throw in his OCs just for entertainment. On a rather disturbing note, I reviewed his latest chapter and after a few minutes of browsing elsewhere, decided to see how many other people reviewed. My review was still up there, and the counter for reviews had added mine to the list.**

**I was the 666th reviewer.**

**:O**

**Yeah, that's pretty much what my face looked like. Don't know if I got my thing mixed up or anything, but yeah, it was weird. But enough about my possible affiliations to the powers of darkness! On with the story!**

**WARNING: Contains jaunty pirate lyrics.**

* * *

**Part One: She's a Pirate:**

The setting is in the middle of the great blue sea. It is a very sunny day and seagulls are riding the weak gales of wind. Far below them is a massive ship. It is an impressive sight with many cannons on the deck, a figurehead shaped like a sea serpent, and several crewmembers running about the deck. The ship is also equipped with enormous black sails and a picture of a skull with crossed bones tied with yellow ribbons. This can only mean one thing.

It is a pirate ship.

"Yo ho ho and a bottle of- How the hell did we get barnacles on the mast?" Kyon wondered to himself as he scraped away at the tiny shelled animals. The brown-haired boy was wearing a tattered orange shirt, white pants that smelled like salt, and a white polka-dot and red bandana on his head. Ever since he and his sister been keelhauled by these pirates, he'd been given all of the odd jobs around the ship. It wasn't all bad though. Ever since his folks had died of the plague, he and his sister had nowhere to go until they wandered into a tavern and gotten themselves kidnapped. For pirates, they were awfully kind and treated him like a brother. Technically speaking, he was pretty sure he and his sister would be dead right now if they hadn't gotten themselves made into pirates.

That and most of the crew was pretty hot.

Looking over, Kyon saw his sister, Imouto was her name, skating around on the deck with brushes tied to her feet and clothes too big for her body. She liked being a pirate, but was often made to stay in the cabin when things got ugly. For some odd reason, Kyon often wondered if his position of swabbie was of the same level as his sister's job of cabin girl. Everyone on board liked her. Imouto also loved the ocean and all the creatures who dwelled in it. They liked her too. Which was why they often used the small girl as bait whenever they needed dinner. Just put Imouto on a hook, throw her in the drink, and then you'd reel in a swordfish the size of a cow. Cut it open and there was Imouto, covered in fish goo and smiling as large as life.

Imouto zoomed by Yuki who was sitting on a barrel. The lavender-haired girl was the ship's scholar and machinist. Yuki always seemed to be dressed in fancy lace clothes that never seemed to get wet, and always had her face in a book. Yuki had a strong interest in any foreign and mechanical objects they came across. Wasn't that big of a talker though; she was more of a listener. Kyon had heard that Yuki had been on the crew for quite a while and knew her way in a swordfight.

Across from Yuki's spot was a pretty girl named Mikuru Asahina who was spilling her guts into the ocean. Mikuru wasn't really a pirate at heart. She had just recently joined the crew from their last voyage in town and had only been here for a few weeks. Kyon was given the pleasure of showing her the ropes (he could have sworn that she had a crush on him- which he highly enjoyed). She was wearing one of her big fancy Victorian dresses that she'd brought along. She'd come aboard to escape an arranged marriage her family had set-up for her, and decided the romantic prospect of pirating was more to her liking. Mikuru's job was to help out in the kitchen and prepare the tea.

Speaking of the kitchen, Kyon glanced over his shoulder and into the open window of the ship's kitchen. Inside was the ship's cook, Ryoko, clad in an apron and a cerulean bandana. Her hair matched the colors of the ocean waves and she was as sweet as honey. Kyon felt a little uncomfortable around Ryoko and with good reason. A while back, the ship had been in an accident involving some sharks attacking the hull. Ryoko had helped drive them away and had decided to prepare one of the dead sharks for dinner. Unfortunately, the nerves in its jaws still worked just fine and... well, Ryoko now had to learn how to write with her left hand. Yuki had been kind enough to craft Ryoko a prosthetic metal hand with several slots in it that protruded metal instruments for everyday work. Among her tools were a knife, a corkscrew, a spoon (but no fork), a pistol, and a hook. She showed a _lot _of enthusiasm when scaling fish. Kyon found the sight a bit unnerving.

Also occupying the deck were three other crew members. The first was Tsuruya, the ship's green-haired gunner. She loved to laugh, crack jokes, and owned two small green parrots named Chu and Ruya. The other thing she really loved to do was fire the ship's cannons at random objects. This led to the cannonballs being locked away by Kunikida, the crew's medic who always seemed to be dressed in a clean smock despite the sea conditions. He'd been keelhauled a long time ago too, but had decided to remain onboard because there was nothing better to do on land. He was a pretty soft-spoken kind of guy with and never really complained. Except when Tsuruya kept shooting the cannons and the recoil knocked her into several people, thus creating more work for him. Next to Kunikida was a guy with silver hair dressed in green and brown clothing named Taniguchi. He was in charge of being the lookout of the ship since he had the best eyesight. Peering through windows late at night did wonders for your eyesight he'd said. At the moment, Taniguchi was chatting with Kunikida and Tsuruya since there wasn't a need for spotting land right now.

Kyon smiled as Tsuruya let out a huge laugh and Kunikida chuckled. No one knew as many dirty jokes as Taniguchi. As Kyon pondered on how a Narwhal and an Eskimo could get into such shenanigans, he was tapped on the back. Turning around, he was face-to-face with a boy with age that was wearing a clean blue uniform and a huge smile.

"Hello, Kyon!" greeted Itsuki Koizumi, the ship's eye-patch wearing first mate, "How is the cleaning going?"

"Just fine, Mr. Koizumi," answered Kyon. "I'll be done in a few seconds."

"Excellent work! The captain will be very pleased."

"Yeah. Speaking of which-"

The doors to the ship's main cabin were flung open. A figure dressed in a red coat, blue skirt, feathered hat, and buckled shoes walked out. Everyone froze and looked over at the deck's new occupant.

It was the captain.

The one who had brought everyone together. The one who struck fear into the hearts of all who saw their ship. The one who owned the infamous ship, the White Ruby. The one said that the myth about females aboard ships bringing bad luck was a bunch of seal crap. The one who had so much treasure that the back of the ship was starting to slip into the water. The one who had come up with the bizarre name 'The Buccaneer Brigade'. And probably the only pirate captain who was below the legal age limit. And a girl.

Haruhi Suzumiya.

"Okay, which one of you useless jellyfish ate my peanut?!" Haruhi snarled. "I called dibs on that yesterday! Who snuck into my bed chambers and ate it?!"

Yeah, fiercest pirate ever.

"That was your peanut?" said Imouto. "Whoops."

"Imouto, how could you?!" Haruhi said with an overdramatic hand gesture. "I take you and your lazy brother into my family and this how you repay my kindness? By stealing my- I mean, OUR food?! You should be ashamed!"

"I am NOT lazy," Kyon said, finished with his barnacle-scraping. "And if didn't want your peanut to be eaten, you shouldn't have left it out in plain sight."

"You KNEW my peanut was out in the open? Treason!" Haruhi declared. Kyon just shrugged and reclined against the mast to relax. Seeing this was a losing battle, Haruhi stomped over to some nearby crates covered with a sheet. Reaching in, she felt around for her prized possession. Smiling, Haruhi came up with a glass bottle. But upon taking a closer look at it, Haruhi's face fell. Everyone nearby began to watch in curiosity as Haruhi ripped the tarp off and began to paw around the crate's interior. Then she stepped back with a look of horror etched upon her face.

"WHY IS ALL THE RUM GONE?!?!" she cried.

Everyone (including the normally stoic Yuki) panicked.

"No more rum?! This wasn't mentioned in the brochure!" cried Taniguchi, holding up a piece of parchment with pictures of Haruhi, Yuki, Ryoko, and Tsuruya on it and a message that said 'Come For The Curvy, Stay For The Scurvy!' below them.

"I can't work without my alcohol!" screamed Kunikida, making his role as surgeon quite questionable.

From inside the kitchen, Ryoko bawled like an infant.

"Noooooo!!!" screamed Itsuki into the wind.

Yuki said nothing. However, a single tear slid down from her right eye.

"What'll I have with my cheese and crackers, nyoro?" whined Tsuruya, on the verge of contemplating suicide.

Haruhi raised an eyebrow. "Tsuruya... We _don't _have cheese and crackers..."

"We don't? Oh! I must be imagining things... Ha ha ha!" Tsuruya laughed nervously.

"RAAAAWK! Cheese and crackers! RAAAAWK! Secret stash! RAAAAWK!" squawked Chu and Ruya before Tsuruya grabbed their beaks and smiled nervously at her captain.

"Ha ha ha! Just ignore the birds! They're just playin' around! Ha ha ha..."

"I'm watching you," Haruhi said coldly before turning back to the task at hand. "Seriously... Where the hell is our rum! I know I had three bottles in here! Where did they go?"

There was a loud hiccup.

Everyone spun around to its source and they were confronted by a guilty-looking Mikuru.

"I'm sorry!" the red-head sobbed. "It was just so good and frothy! I didn't know I'd get addicted to it! I had no control! I've been trying to quit! Honest!"

Kyon couldn't believe his eyes and ears. Who could have known that the fair and lovely Mikuru Asahina was a rum-thief? Come to think of it, that DID explain the constant vomiting and the way she kept challenging Yuki to knife-fights.

"You?" said a perplexed Haruhi.

"Yes. Me," Mikuru said sadly.

"Well... I guess since you confessed, I'll only give you a small punishment."

Kyon let out a sigh of relief. Haruhi seemed to mean well. He wondered what kind of punishment it was. Usually Haruhi made them scrub the deck or gut the fish.

"THIRTY LASHES!!!" screamed Haruhi as she ran at Mikuru with a whip with a blade tied to the end of it.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!" screeched Mikuru as she began to run circles around the ship. Haruhi began to crack the whip at her feet in a mad attempt to trip her up, but Mikuru was incredibly fast. Kyon ran after them and in his attempt to save Mikuru, snatched the whip from Haruhi's hands.

"What did you do that for?!" their captain demanded.

"Captain, you know that Miss Asahina bruises quite easily. And how can she be all cute when covered with big, nasty bruises? It wouldn't be fair," Kyon explained.

"Hmmmmm... You're right, Kyon. As much as I hate to admit it... Mikuru, as your punishment, you must make us all some tea. Looks like that's what we'll be drinking until we hit port..." Haruhi grumbled.

Everyone started muttering under their breath while Mikuru dashed off into the kitchen. Kyon was glad he'd helped spare her. The worst punishment on the ship was when Haruhi invited them into her quarters for what she called 'A Booty Call'. It was exactly what it sounded like. So far they had only happened to him. Usually on a daily basis. Like three times a week. Half the time he never even did anything to deserve it. Come to think of it, Haruhi had only begun to do these Booty Calls ever since he and Imouto joined...

_Oh. My. God, _thought Kyon with a thrill of horror.

"HARUHI!!!" shrieked Kyon, "Have you been raping me all this time?!"

Haruhi froze and stared at Kyon for at least a minute.

"Weeeeeeeeell..."

"DAMN YOU, HARUHI!!!"

Haruhi sneered at Kyon. "Oh, please, Kyon. I think you enjoy our time together. Just be glad it was me and neither of these two."

Kyon saw that she was pointing at both Ryoko, who blushed, and Itsuki, who gave him a creepy smile. He shuddered inwardly. Itsuki always did seem to be staring at him when he cleaned stuff. As Kyon bemoaned the fact that he was nothing but Haruhi's favorite sex-toy, Imouto tilted her head to the side in confusion of the whole situation.

"Kyon?"

"Yes, Imouto..."

"What does rape mean?"

Everyone went silent.

"What does it mean?" Imouto asked again.

"Err... Well, Imouto..." Haruhi stuttered, forgetting there was a twelve-year old on board, "It means that I hit him when he does something bad! Yeah! That's it!"

"Oh! Okay! I'll be good, too. That way you won't have to rape me!" smiled Imouto.

Taniguchi and Tsuruya started to laugh their asses off, Haruhi flushed red from the sheer awkwardness, and Kyon silently planned his eventual mutiny. After the weirdness vanished, Haruhi decided to boost the crew's morale. How you ask? By telling them all a rousing tale of her childhood!

"Did I ever tell you guys about the time I tried to mutiny against my great pirate father, Oruki Suzumiya?" drawled Haruhi, with a small smile on her lips.

"Yes. About two-hundred and fifty-six times," the crew droned in unison.

Haruhi's face fell and she roared, "Fine! I'm going to tell you all anyways! A long time ago..."

_****Flashback****_

_An eight-year old Haruhi was on a wooden plank and standing in front of Oruki who was dressed in a completely black pirate outfit. Several fierce men were behind him along with Haruhi's mother, Naru, who was wearing a pink bandana and a simple housewife dress. _

_"Oh, come on, dad!" yelled Haruhi. "I was only trying to incite a pirate rebellion and usurp your throne! That's no reason to maroon your only child on an island!"_

_"Actually, Haruhi, it is," Oruki said casually, cleaning his nails with a dagger. "That's why I'm doing this. You need to learn some responsibility. I think a few years on this island will change your tune."_

_"Here you go, Haruhi. I packed you a snack! Make sure it lasts!" smiled Naru as she tossed an apple to her daughter. Taking this opportunity, Oruki flung a loaded pistol to Haruhi as well._

_"What's this for?" the small girl asked._

_"Just in case you get bored and decide to end it all. Well, see you in a few years, sweetie!"shouted Oruki as he tossed his daughter into the drink._

_"I hate you, daaaad!"_

_"Love you, too!" _

_****End Flashback****_

"How did you ever escape that island, Captain Suzumiya?" Ryoko asked sweetly, despite knowing the answer.

"Sea turtles, Ryoko. Sea turtles," grinned Haruhi. "Bound them together with my hair. That's why it's so short."

"Arr, arr," muttered Kyon.

"Anyway, what is the course, Mr. Koizumi?" inquired Haruhi to her second-mate.

"We're heading for Tortuga to get supplies, Captain Suzumiya," answered Itsuki. "Unfortunately, we can't go right now."

"And why's that?"

"The wind is dead," Yuki whispered ominously.

"...Damn wind. Any food left, Mr. Koizumi?"

"Just a few biscuits, water, some oranges, dried meat, and that leftover pound of crocodile bacon."

"We still have that?"

"Yes."

"Heh heh. That overweight lizard thought he had me. Little did he know, he was going to be looking up at the barrel of a cannon!"

"Yes, Captain."

"Though he probably did get his revenge the following morning. Who could have known crocodile bacon would give the entire crew violent diarrhea?"

"Yes, Captain. That was... unpleasant."

"Uhhh, Captain Suzumiya?" asked Mikuru coming out of the kitchen with some orange slices.

"Yes, Mikuru?"

"Why are we pirates again?"

At this, Haruhi grinned like a happy child and slung an arm around Mikuru. "Glad you asked, my faithful wench! We're going around the Seven Seas to reclaim the treasure that was stolen from my father! It's my birthright!"

"What was the treasure called again?"

"How many times do I have to tell you Mikuru? The Crystal Coconut!"

"Crystal...... Coconut?"

"Yes, Mikuru! The Crystal Coconut! With it, I can conquer the Seven Seas and avenge my father!"

"I thought you hated your father?"

"I do. I just can't let the treasure go! Especially since it was stolen by my family's archenemies!"

"Archenemies?"

"Yes!" Haruhi hissed, "The ones who stole my father's most prized possession! The vile and anime-loving Cornet Crew! Led by none other than this woman!"

Haruhi produced a wanted poster from her coat and held it up. Mikuru squinted at it. Right on the front was a girl with long blue hair, a cat-like smile, a mole on her face, a small ahoge atop her head, and bright green eyes. A bounty of 75,000 doubloons was printed beneath it.

"Kaptain Konata Izumi?" read Mikuru.

"Yes! The shortest pirate ever to sail the Seven Seas! Was a friend of my family until she went bad!" snarled Haruhi with a burning fury in her eyes. "Her father was with my father when he found the Crystal Coconut. Then years later, she came back to the idol he hid it in and took it! All because she claimed it was a rare collectable! Stupid loli!"

"I'm so sorry for you, Captain Suzumiya!" apologized Mikuru.

Haruhi shook her head. "Don't feel sorry for me, Mikuru. Feel sorry for Konata! She's forgotten the pirate ways of old! Has a big, fancy, mechanical ship and everything... What kind of self-respecting pirate uses torpedoes?!"

"That fiend, nyoro!" gasped Tsuruya.

"Huh," said Taniguchi as he helped Kunikida move some barrels, "I've actually seen pictures of the whole Cornet Crew back on land."

"You have?" asked Kunikida.

"Yup. Rainbow-colored hair as far as the eye can see. All of their body structures strongly remind me of Keira Knightley for some reason..."

"Weird."

"Anyways," Haruhi said, trying to jumpstart another conversation, "Since we can't move until the wind picks up, I suggest we do something to alleviate the boredom."

"And what do you suggest we do, my Captain?" smirked Kyon.

"Glad you asked, Kyon!" Haruhi said with a dazzling smile. "We're going to sing! Everyone get ready! AND A ONE, AND A TWO, AND A THREE!!!"

Loud rock music began to play out of nowhere.

"If you ask me mother she'll say '_I'm not so bad!'_ ! But when I left the house, I took everything she had! I took her silver and her gold and scuffed her wedding band! I even took her aprons and her covered pots and pans!" sang Haruhi from her place near the wheel.

"Lyin', lootin', stealin'!" sang everyone else in unison as backup.

"Is the reason I'm a pirate!"

"Ransackin', pillagin'!"

"Don't knock it till you try it!"

"Plundering and pilfering!"

"Make up a healthy diet! Arr, look at me! I'm doin' the Booty Boogie!" sang Haruhi, placing her hands on her hips, and swinging them from side to side in a _very familiar_ dance routine. Down on the deck, everyone else attempted to mimic her movements.

"No treasure is too big, I've scarfed the peaks of Kilimanjaro! As well as raised a tomb and stole the mummy from a pharaoh! I swiped his crown jewels, and barrowed his crystal ball, but the Crystal Coconut is the daddy of them all! If you want a job with all the riches you can stand, and all of the security of a great pension plan... Arr, then come aboard!" said Haruhi, beckoning to an invisible audience.

"Lyin', lootin', stealin' is the reason we are pirates!" sang Taniguchi, Kunikida, and Ryoko as they spun across the deck. "Ransackin', pillagin'! Don't knock it till you try it!"

"Plundering and pilfering make up a healthy diet!" sang Kyon and Itsuki as they swung from the mast on ropes.

"Arr, look at us! We're doin' the Booty Boogie!" sang Imouto and Tsuruya as they tap-danced on the figure head.

"Arr, see you see, we're doin' the Booty Boooooooooooooooooogiiiiiie!" finished Haruhi, Mikuru, and Yuki from their place in the crow's nest.

"Aw, what a nice song!" smiled Mikuru.

"Indeed," agreed Yuki.

"Exactly! Our best one yet!" yelled Haruhi. "Just a few minor corrections. Kyon, work on your jazz hands. Mr. Koizumi, your vocals need some work. Mikuru, you were a bit off-key at some parts, but I'll forget it since you're new. Other than that it was great! ...Now get back to work!"

Suddenly loud clapping was heard. Haruhi glanced down and frowned. Standing on the ship's deck and clapping madly was none other than Haruhi's mother, Naru Suzumiya.

"Oh, what an excellent song and dance routine! You dance so well, honey!" Naru cheered, clapping gleefully.

Haruhi facepalmed while the rest of the crew looked on in amusement. Kyon decided to ask a very important question that had been weighing on his mind for quite some time now.

"Ummm, Captain?"

"...Yes, Kyon?"

"Why is your mother here again?"

"Well, after I took everything she had, I started to feel all guilty. What made things worse was the fact that she HELPED me load everything into the boat and even waved me off! I couldn't leave her behind!"

"I see."

"Haruhi! Haruhi! Haruhi! Look what I found stashed away in the brig!" shouted Naru, holding up a large object for all to see. It appeared to be a glass jar filled to the brim with... soil?

"What is that? asked Kyon, noticing Haruhi's look of fright.

"Oh, no..." moaned Haruhi, "I thought I had hidden it better... That stupid good luck charm... MOM! WHATEVER YOU DO, PLEASE DON'T SING THAT ANNOYING SON-"

"I GOT A JAR OF DIIRT~! I GOT A JAR OF DIIIRT~! I GOT A JAR OF DIIIRT~! ...AND GUESS WHAT'S INSIDE IIIIIIIIIT!!! I GOT A JAR OF DIIRT~! I GOT A JAR OF DIIIRT~! I GOT A JAR OF DIIIRT~! ...AND GUESS WHAT'S INSIDE IIIIIIIIIT!!!" sang Naru as she traipsed around the ship, swinging her prized possession in the air with the energy of a sugar-high toddler.

Haruhi seemed to have had enough of this. Grinning insanely, she ran over to her mother and snatched the object of her annoyance out of her mother's grasp. Everyone on the wooden vessel watched in pure terror as Haruhi bounded over to the left side and proceeded to pour the jar's contents into the ocean's depths. And after it was empty, Haruhi flung the jar in, too.

"How could you, Haruhi?!" cried Haruhi's mother, eyes filling with tears. "That innocent jar of dirt did nothing to you!"

"Oh, really?" Haruhi retorted with a nefarious smile. "Now it's a jar of dirt _burning_ in the fires of hell! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"But you threw it into the ocean..." mentioned Kyon.

"SHUT UP!!"

"I'll never forgive you, Haruhi! When I die, I'll make sure my ghost will haunt you to the end of your days! I'll- Oooooh! An orange!" chirped Naru, running into the kitchen and snatching up said fruit. As Naru nibbled on the orange like a squirrel, Haruhi slapped her forehead in annoyance, completely mortified at her mother's actions.

"Seriously, mom... What the hell is wrong with you?!" Haruhi uttered.

"Maybe she's acting like that like this, because your father isn't around?" offered Ryoko, peeling an orange. "Come to think of it... WHERE is your father, Captain?"

"Oh. Him. Well, Ryoko, my father eventually got tired of pirating. Said it was too boring. So he moved onto something even more dangerous and cut-throat," answered Haruhi while staring out into the ocean.

Ryoko cocked her head to the side. "And what was that?"

Haruhi turned towards the cook with a dead-serious expression on her face.

"Teaching."

Ryoko shuddered.

Turning back towards the ocean, Haruhi stared into the distance. That's when she saw it. Something in the distance. Taking out her telescope, Haruhi examined the object more closely. A rowboat with three figures sitting in it.

Excited, Haruhi turned to her crew and announced, "Mates! We have ourselves a boat coming our way! Kyon! Imouto! Get a boat ready! We're about to have guests!"

* * *

**A/N: I'll see if I can do some other requests for people, but I'll be working on some other projects too, like my upcoming fic "The Parody of Mary Sue". I already got some jokes written up! Savor the wait!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	62. She's a Pirate: Part Two

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Due to some incidents involving my computer, I had to make this into THREE parts. The reason? I was typing up a storm and a stupid computer warning came up (the connecting dealie) and most of what I typed partially through didn't even show up on the friggin' page. Seeing as how the middle could be a cliff-hanger chapter by itself, I decided to post it as its own (that and I was tired). I thought you guys could use a good update on a day such as Friday the 13th anyway.**

**Plus, it gives me time to work on part three's fight scene. :) **

**Also, I threw in a shoutout to my good buddy, aprilfool1993, in this. Enjoy.**

* * *

**Part Two: She's a Pirate:**

Kyon and Imouto paddled through the choppy water on their rowboat to get to their target. Meanwhile on the deck, everyone else watched them in anticipation.

"I wonder who they are?" pondered Imouto, scratching the side of her head.

"We'll find out when we get to them," assured Kyon, paddling faster.

As the two siblings neared the boat, they began to get a closer look at the occupants of the boat. It was three people like Haruhi had said. Two were girls and the third was a boy. All three were clad in British Naval uniforms. It appeared as though they were in the middle of a conversation.

"How did it ever come to this?" groaned a girl with chestnut-colored hair, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"I have no clue, Sasaki," said a boy with filthy blond hair and a scowl on his lips. "I suppose this happened when those pirates attacked our vessel and left us and our crew on that damn island."

"We're better off without those losers!" snapped a girl with honey-colored pigtails. "They didn't know how great our positions were! We don't need those bilge-rats, Fujiwara!"

Fujiwara snarled and yelled into her face, "IT'S THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE THAT GOT US DITCHED ON THAT ISLAND AND LEFT BEHIND WHILE EVERYONE ELSE GOT RESCUED, KYOUKO!!! ...Besides, I don't think we that popular back home in the first place."

"Don't blame me, you lowly globefish! We'll be okay! I've got my prized possession with me!" Kyouko beamed, holding up a black ball with the number eight on it and a glass side.

Sasaki sighed deeply. "Kyouko, not the Magic Eight Ball again!"

"It does work!" shouted Kyouko. "Watch this and be amazed!"

The duo watched as their slightly insane friend shook the children's bauble repeatedly and looked into the center. A message soon formed.

_**Try again later.**_

"Blast! Again!"

_Shake, shake, shake._

_**Fuck off.**_

"Damn you, Magic 8 Ball!!" growled Kyouko.

"Ahoy, there!" greeted Kyon, after finally reaching the boat. "Do you guys need a lift?"

Upon hearing the presence of other people, Sasaki, Kyouko, and Fujiwara froze. The trio spun around and stared at Kyon and his young sister for a bit, before noticing the pirate ship. They quickly pulled into a huddle.

"What do we do now?" Kyouko asked anxiously. "They're obviously pirates!"

"Wonderful. We fall out of the frying pan and into the fire... AND then into the damn icebox!" Fujiwara hissed.

"Calm down, you idiots!" Sasaki whispered. "Now's not the time to panic. It's not like there's anybody else offering us a helping hand out here or anything. We'll just have to go along with them for the time being. Besides, they seem nicer than the last pirates."

Frowning slightly, Fujiwara looked towards Kyon and said, "We accept your help."

The three officers began to board the boat. As they piled on, Imouto stared into the water. That's when she saw it. Some sort of large shadow beneath the waves. Something...... black.

"Something wrong ,sis?" asked Kyon.

"Nothing, Kyon. I thought I saw something under there," muttered Imouto.

Sasaki, Kyouko, Fujiwara exchanged nervous glances. Soon, the small boat made its way back to the ship. Kyon and Imouto climbed up the ladder first and pulled the three passengers up after them. Haruhi and the others quickly advanced up to Sasaki and her friends. The three became noticeably intimidated at the sight of so many pirates and pointy objects.

"Hello there! Welcome to our vessel! I am Captain Haruhi Suzumiya and this is my crew! You've already met Kyon and Imouto, but here's the rest of our family. That's Itsuki Koizumi, Mikuru Asahina, Yuki, Ryoko, Tsuruya, Taniguchi, and Kunikida! Together, we make up the Buccaneer Brigade!" greeted Haruhi, pointing at everyone as she did so.

"Don't forget me!" piped Naru from the kitchen.

"Mom, you're embarrassing me! Go clean my room!"

"Aye-aye, honey!"

"How... lovely. Anyways, my name is Sasaki and these are my friends, Kyouko and Fujiwara," Sasaki gestured to her two companions. "We are officers of the British Navy."

"Don't you mean used to?" Fujiwara brought up.

"Oh? Why's that?" asked Imouto.

Fujiwara jabbed a thumbs towards Kyouko. "Stupid here got us abandoned with her little uppity attitude!"

"Hey! It's not my fault we were surrounded by idiots! They didn't know how great we were!" whined Kyouko.

"You didn't have throw that coconut at our captain!" barked Sasaki.

"Hmmmmmmmmmm... True."

"How did you three end up drifting about on the ocean?" Itsuki asked the trio of arguing teens.

"Well, you see, we were coming back from completing a routine trade with a small platoon, when a pirate ship attacked us," said Sasaki, visibly wincing at the memory. "They came incredibly fast and blasted our ship to pieces, before making off with our cargo of sugar and spices. The whole crew survived, and we retreated to a nearby island."

"We had to build a raft to get off it. And we WOULD have escaped if it weren't for this knucklehead!" Fujiwara concluded with a sneer in Kyouko's direction. For a moment, it looked like the pigtailed girl was going to deliver a witty one-liner to her colleague. But she decided to go with a good old-fashioned middle finger instead.

As the two groups talked, Imouto hung around the ship's edge. The small girl stared into the drink, completely bored out of her skull. And she saw it again. A shape under the waves was making its way to the ship. It looked like a hump or something.

"So your own people don't want you around anymore? Looks like this is your lucky day!" smiled Haruhi. "Why not join our ranks and be pirates! It's pretty great! You'll get to rob, loot, plunder, pillage, and commit adultery whenever you want! And you'll have a family who'll love you no matter what!"

"Dibs on the one with pigtails!" called Taniguchi.

"I call the one with the cute smile," said Ryoko, fluttering her eyelashes at Fujiwara, who in return grimaced.

"I get the brunette!" shouted Kunikida.

"SHUT UP!!" roared Haruhi, whipping out her pistol and firing a shot into the air. "Mommy is talking right now, so if any of you don't want to go about the rest your lives with an extra air-hole... BE QUIET!"

Everyone shut up.

"So....... what do you guys say? Want to be pirates?"

Sasaki placed a hand on her chin and mulled it over. "Well, as...... tempting an offer that might be, we just want to go home. I hope that's not too much trouble."

Haruhi shook her head. "Not at all! Say, is that your boat in the water?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Just asking."

And with that, Haruhi pointed her pistol towards the water and proceeded to unload several shots into the watercraft. Water soon poured through the numerous openings and the boat sank without a sound. Sasaki, Kyouko, and Fujiwara were completely flabbergasted.

"Looks like you're staying!" Haruhi said pleasantly.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" snarled Sasaki.

"I knew we couldn't trust pirates!" yelled Fujiwara.

Kyouko was happy her friends were angry at someone else for a change.

"I don't think you guys are in any position to complain," drawled Haruhi. "Yuki, Ryoko, be good terrors of the sea and put them in the brig until they learn to behave. Just the lasses. I want to see the lad myself in my quarters. Alone."

Fujiwara began to shiver violently and Kyon felt jealous for some reason.

Haruhi sauntered up to the blond and gave him a hungry grin. "You and I are about to become _very _well-acquainted."

Before the sex-crazed pirate captain could seal her captive's fate, something happened. The entire ship shook suddenly. Everyone fell to the deck in surprise. The ship rocked again, this time more violently.

"Guys!" shouted Imouto, spring to her feet, "There's something in the water!"

"What?" demanded Haruhi, putting her hat back on.

Sasaki gasped in stunned realization. "Oh, no! I can't believe we forgot about her!"

"How could we do such a thing to one of our own friends!" lamented Kyouko.

"I guess it was a gibbon since she was always so quiet," said Fujiwara. "Kuyou, quit ramming the ship!"

"Who are you talking about?!" asked Kyon, rising to his feet. "What's hitting us?!"

"There's actually a fourth member of our little group," admitted Kyouko.

"Fourth? But my sister and I only saw three of you."

"Let me explain," said Sasaki. "You see, while we were stranded the fourth member of our party, Kuyou, found some fruit we could eat. We didn't know if it was poisonous or not, so Kuyou volunteered to taste-test it..."

"And what a horrible decision it was!" Kyouko cried dramatically. "Little did we know the effect it would have on her!"

"What h-h-happened?" asked a very spooked Mikuru.

"It was a Devil Fruit. You know the warnings about them. 'Eat one and you gain special powers or transform into something and lose the ability to swim forever!'," replied Fujiwara.

"Want to meet her? She's kind of shy, but she only smacked your because she probably thought we were in danger," Sasaki said to the pirate crew.

"Ummm... Sure! I would love to meet Kuyou. How bad could the change have been?" Haruhi said confidently.

Sasaki grimaced slightly and walked over to the edge. "Kuyou! Come on up! It's okay! They're... friendly pirates! Yeah. Don't be scared!"

Everyone peered over the side and stared below. The water began to churn mysteriously. Several bubbles rose up and stopped. Then a few feet away, something burst out of the water. Yuki was the first to see it.

"Sea-monster," she said breathlessly. And everyone saw that she was right. Poor Mikuru almost fainted, but was caught by Itsuki. Tsuruya's parrots began to squawk in a panic. Ryoko almost wet herself and Kunikida's jaw hit the ground. Taniguchi just whistled. Haruhi and Kyon looked on in amazement.

It was an enormous squid-like monster.

With twelve tentacles and two enormous yellow eyes the size of boulders, it was a sight to behold. Two of the twelve tentacles were shaped like paddles with hundreds of bony hooks protruding out of the undersides. The entire thing was colored a midnight black and had creamy stripes running up and its body. Gigantic spines ran down the sides of its body, from its triangular head to its trunk-like base. The beast was about the size of the whole ship and its head easily reached the top of the crow's nest. Haruhi and her crew watched in terror as the monster wrapped two tentacles around the ship and partially hoisted itself onto the deck. Instead of a beak, the creature possessed a mouthful of sword-like fangs that were arranged in a spiral pattern. It unleashed a guttural roar from its maw that sent bits of fish and seaweed across the deck. A blob of goo flew forward and smacked into Haruhi's chest.

"Ick," muttered Haruhi, dabbing away at her uniform.

"Cool!" said Imouto.

"Holy shit!" screamed Kyon. "It's a goddamn Kraken!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! It's gonna eat us! Everybody head for the hills!" shouted Tsuruya, attempting to jump ship, only to be held back by Yuki and Mikuru, who were concerned for her safety and sanity.

"Wow. Its breath actually smells better than the Captain's..." observed Taniguchi, earning a nervous laugh from Kunikida.

"Kuyou! Don't roar at them!" scolded Sasaki. Almost immediately, the titanic invertebrate slipped back into the sea. It's head bobbed up and down like a cork.

"THAT'S YOUR FRIEND?!?!" choked out Haruhi in disbelief.

"Yes. Isn't it tragic?" Kyouko said sadly. "Now poor Kuyou will never be able to play the violin again! How horrible!"

"We were hoping that when we got rescued, our saviors would be able to help us find a cure to change her back. Though I'm hoping we'll run into that damn Cornet Crew before then. Kuyou would make sushi out of them," Fujiwara said with a sneer.

Haruhi's eyes bugged out. "Did you say the Cornet Crew?!"

"Yup."

"Are you absolutely sure it was them?"

".............Yes."

Haruhi made a giddy squeal and leapt away from the crowd. She dashed over to the mast and climbed onto the rope ladder. Everyone wondered what their leader was up to.

"My fellow pirates and officers of the British government! For far too long, the Cornet Crew has been terrorizing these waters. They act like they own the place! They steal from the poor AND wealthy, and don't even adhere to the rules of the pirate code! Their captain stole my family's most treasured prize, the Crystal Coconut! They cannot be forgiven for such foul deeds! I say that we make our new friends honorary pirates and seek out these scallywags! With the help of our new sea-monster pal, we can do this! No amount of technology and anime trickery can defeat the force of the high-seas! NOW WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?!" cried Haruhi.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!" arred the pirates and the officers in unison (even Kyon and Yuki were excited).

"Hooray!" cheered Naru as she dusted Haruhi's crocodile skull paperweight.

"Excellent! Now all we have to do is to somehow find Konata and her cronies. They should still be hanging around these waters after a successful raid..." mused Haruhi, feeling somewhat giddy that she had a huge sea -monster to carry out her orders. She already had a few ideas. Like have Kuyou chuck Konata into the sun.

"But, Captain! The wind is dead. How are we going to locate our foes without any mobility?" questioned Itsuki.

"Glad you asked, Mr. Koizumi! Hey, Sasaki! Would Kuyou mind pulling the boat if we tied it to her?"

"I don't see why not. I'm sure Kuyou would love to help out!" exclaimed Sasaki as Kuyou swam around the galleon in big loops.

"Great! And I know just the perfect way to get her motivated! Hee hee hee..."

"Errr... why the hell are you looking at me like that?" Fujiwara asked as Haruhi advanced on him.

***

**5 Minutes Later...**

***

"Will someone please untie me?" inquired Fujiwara from his rather unfortunate position. The ever-sneering blond was suspended from a giant fishing rod over the ship's figurehead. Below, Kuyou's shadow could be seen under the waves. Giant reins had been attached to her spines and to the figurehead. Fujiwara was dangling about sixteen feet over the water.

Oh, yeah, and he was dressed as a giant blue tuna.

"Haruhi, why the hell are we doing this?" asked Kyon as Haruhi manned the rod from a stand on the ship's helm.

"Simple, Kyon. Kuyou is a Kraken. Krakens eat fish. Fujiwara is dressed as a fish. Therefore, I'll use him to spur her on so that she'll speed the ship up, and help us find the Cornet Crew. Savvy?" smiled Haruhi.

"But why a tuna?"

"Because the salmon one was dirty."

"Oh. I see. ............WAIT, WHAAAT?!"

"I'll tell ya later. Giddy up, Kuyou! Look a tasty fish! Yum, yum!"

Everyone waited for Kuyou to either leap out of the water and snatch Fujiwara or start swimming. They watched. And watched, And watched. And after three minutes, neither happened.

"What the hell? C'mon and move already!" commanded Haruhi.

"I probably should've have said something earlier, but I don't think Kuyou will move. She knows that's Fujiwara and not a fish," Sasaki said a matter-of-factly.

"Yeah. That and she always had this crush on him when she was still a girl," giggled Kyouko.

"Huh?" said Haruhi.

"She's sweet on him," gagged Kyon, nauseous of the thought that someone could like Fujiwara.

"Awwwww! That's so cute!" squealed Mikuru.

"Oh, yeah," muttered Fujiwara as Kuyou stuck out a tentacle from the water and began to gently caress his back, "My would-be girlfriend gained several tons in the last few hours and I'm dressed as a blue tuna. I'm on Cloud Nine here."

"Hey, Captain Suzumiya? I don't think we'll need Kuyou to find the Cornet Crew," said Ryoko, who bounded up to her friends.

"Really? And why's that?" asked Haruhi.

Ryoko pointed out a hook on the horizon. "They found _us_."

* * *

**A/N: Ooooooh! **_**Suspense! **_**Me likey! And Kuyou makes a good Kraken, doesn't she? **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	63. She's a Pirate: Part Three

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: LONGEST CHAPTER YET! :O**

**And now we have the cast of Lucky Star in this as antagonists. I don't know whether that's genius or insane. Maybe both. And for Nederbird as he requested, a throwback to a videogame of yesteryear, the song "****A Pirate I Was ****Meant To Be****" from The Curse of Monkey Island!**

**Worked pretty hard on this storyline, so be sure to send in the reviews! **

**Oh, yeah, this probably the only time on the internet where the whole "Haruhi vs. Konata" thing is a fight to the death, instead of a random AMV on YouTube or a moe contest.**

**And another thing. At a certain point in this story, Sasaki's dialogue with be in italics, Kyouko's dialogue will be in bold, and Fujiwara's dialogue will be in both. All three are in regular print. You'll see why.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Part Three: She's a Pirate:**

Haruhi stared in the direction of Ryoko's hook and her jaw fell off. "Son of a bitch!" she growled ferociously, before turning to her crew. "Everyone, grab a weapon! Mom, go hide in my room! Prepare for battle!"

"Yes, dear," complied Naru, skipping girlishly into her daughter's room as though she was in a field of wildflowers, and not on a pirate ship about to engage in naval warfare.

The Buccaneer Brigade armed themselves with daggers, cutlasses, and pistols, and watched together as a sleek metal ship came speeding towards the White Ruby, aided by waterwheels. Most of it was steel, but the deck was wooden with a mast holding up a black with a skull and crossed bones. The skull bore a cat-like smile on it. It was none other than the S. S. Ahoge.

It slid up right alongside the White Ruby for about ten feet, giving the motley crew a clear look at their attackers. Lining the side of the S. S. Ahoge was the feared Cornet Crew. Making up the gang were the twin swordfighters, Kagami and Tsukasa, Miyuki the archer, Miaso the gun expert, Patricia the explosives expert, Hiyori the yuri artist AND torpedo-launcher, Minami the group's main muscle, and Yutaka the world's best knife-fighter and Go Fish! champion. Instead of typical pirate uniforms, they were all clad in bandanas that matched their retrospective hair colors and cute sailor fukus. And standing in front of them all was...

"Well, well, well... Look what catch we hauled in, girls," drawled Konata Izumi, dressed in an outfit similar to that of Napoleon Bonaparte, but more blue and with a kite-sized hat. "We reeled in some cuttlefish!"

"Hello, Konata," Haruhi said through clenched teeth.

"Ahh, Haruhi! Still playing pirate?" Konata asked playfully. "Glad to see you've kept on the tradition. Too bad daddy's not here to see ya fail!"

"Nice boat!" smiled Kagami. "Where's the bottle it came out of?"

"Hee hee! Good one, sis!" chirped Tsukasa.

"I know right! I came up with it while we were pulling up. It just entered my brain and I knew it would be good!"

"Well, it was very witty," agreed Miyuki.

"It was all right... Va..." murmured a somewhat depressed Miaso.

"I wanna make a quip!" squeaked Yutaka, bouncing up and down. "I got a good one!"

Minami said nothing and hoisted Yutaka over her head. "A-hem," she coughed, "Ummmm... Your boat smells like... fish guts!"

An awkward silence.

"So does yours," grunted Kyon.

"She's new at this!" screeched Patricia.

"Anyways," said Itsuki rolling his eyes. "What do you coral-munchers want?"

"My business is with the your captain, not you, Mr. Butt-Pirate," smirked Konata.

As Itsuki fumed under his eye-patch, Haruhi stepped forward to talk to her former friend. "What do you want, you spineless midget?"

"Oh, nothing much. I was just in the neighborhood after a good raid, and I wanted to see if you lot were in the mood for a chat," replied Konata as if she and Haruhi were sitting down to some cookies and discussing the weather. "Can I come over? I want to discuss something important with you. We can have some tea and melon-bread! C'mon, do I have to invoke 'parley' in order to get an audience with you?"

"Parley?" said a confused Kyouko.

"Pirate code talk. Means that two pirate parties must agree to a temporary peace treaty. No one can be harmed until negotiations are met. No surprises or anything," whispered Sasaki, who'd heard enough pirate chatter to know what meant what.

"And why, just why, would I let your blue-colored butt on my glorious White Ruby?" snapped Haruhi with a poisonous glare.

"Maybe this'll convince you..." Konata reached behind her back and pulled out...

"The Crystal Coconut!!! My birthright! Give it to me, you big shrimp!" Haruhi shook a fist.

"Big shrimp? Kind of an oxymoron there. Can I come over or not?"

"....Kyon, extend a plank for our guests."

Kyon felt uneasy, but complied nonetheless. A plank of wood was placed over the side of the boat by him, Taniguchi, and Kunikida. Konata directed her ship closer and crossed over, accompanied by Kagami, Tsukasa, and Miyuki. The rest of her pirates stayed on board the S. S. Ahoge to watch.

"I knew you'd see it my way," Konata said, once she and her posse were on board.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now what are your terms?" Haruhi asked, keeping her hand oh her cutlass. Just in case.

"My terms? Well, Haruhi, I've gotten kinda tired of holding on to this Crystal Coconut. Little tacky for my tastes. So, I have decided to give it back to you!" Konata announced, much to the surprise of Haruhi's pals.

"You'll gives it back? That's pretty generous, nyoro!" smiled Tsuruya, wondering when she'd get some of that melon-bread.

"Exactly!" smiled Konata. "There's just one thing I want in return for it. It's nothing really. Quite paltry. A trifle really."

Haruhi crossed her arms over her chest and tilted her head to the side. "What kind of thing did you have in mind?"

Konata smiled tranquilly. "Well, as you may know already, Haruhi, I possess plenty of untold wealth and a powerful ship and crew. Despite all these things, there is one thing you have that I don't. Something I lost long ago... And I want you to give it up to me. What I desire most of all..."

Konata pointed a finger straight at Naru, who had decided to bring out a bucket of chum for Kuyou.

"IS YOUR MOTHER!!!"

This pretty much floored Haruhi. "WHAT?! YOU WANT MY MOTHER!?!?! ARE YOU INSANE?! THERE'S NO WAY I'D HAND OVER MY OWN MOTHER TO THE LIKES OF YOU!!! ...Maybe my father, but not my mother!"

"I'm being used as a pawn in a pirate battle? How thrilling!" exclaimed Naru.

"IT ISN'T EXCITING MOM!! Go back in, before this nut-job forces you to make her bed or fix up a grilled-cheese sandwich!"

"Hey, what's going on?" inquired Fujiwara, still dressed like a fish. "I can't see shit from up here!"

"So, you would deny me the only thing in the world that I have never had?" Konata said with tears in her eyes. "Is it so wrong that I want a mother after fate ripped my own away from me at birth? Is that really so wrong? Don't you want your coconut back?"

"Yeah, but not at the cost of my own mom!" snarled Haruhi. "I am not giving up my own mother for some... piece of junk! My mom is my greatest treasure!"

"Ohh, Haruhi!" cooed Naru, "I had no idea you cared so much!"

"Go back inside, mom!"

"Awww~..."

"So, yeah. Get out of here, Konata. Take your mole, your dumb ahoge, and your flat-chested crew out of our sight! You won't be taking my mom anytime soon!"

At this, Konata raised a balled-up hand to her chin and smiled coyly. "Can't I~?"

Suddenly, there was a _**Thwack!**_ sound, followed by a short cry. Everyone turned to its source and gasped. Haruhi's eye almost popped out of her sockets. Naru was swaying unsteadily on her feet with a dazed expression on her face.

"Oh, hello, mommy... My little red wagon is doing the can-can on the roof... Get me a cookie..."

And she toppled over to the deck, unconscious. Standing behind Naru, a broken oar in hand, was a girl Haruhi and her crew hadn't seen before. She wore a sailor fuku and an orange bandana atop her head of flowing carrot-colored hair. Two eyes gleamed mischievously under her huge forehead.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Kyon.

The girl giggled lightly and then hefted Naru over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "Name's Ayano! I'm Kaptain Konata's top girl in the field of spying and sneak attacks. With my ability to go unnoticed in the background, I'm virtually invisible! Kaptain! I have the goods! Permission to flee?"

"Permission granted! Let's jet, me hearties! Yo-ho and all that jazz! Oh, and, Haruhi? I think I'll just keep this here coconut. It's kinda grown on me. Later!" Konata and her entourage leapt from the deck of the White Ruby and began dashing towards their own ship.

"Come back with my mom, you scrawny scrubs! Men! And ladies! And ladies who dress like men! Give chase!" screamed Haruhi as they all gave chase, including Imouto and Mikuru. Seeing her friends in danger, and a chance to prove her worth to Kagami, Miaso took out her favorite gun and fired it at her oncoming enemies. However, due to some sea water in her right eye, the bullet flew past them all. It did strike the rope holding up Fujiwara, though.

"Crap!" screamed the blond officer as he plunged into the drink.

"Fujiwara!" screamed Sasaki and Kyouko as they looked over the side to make sure he was all right. For a moment, it looked like the Buccaneer Brigade would catch their sworn enemy. However, Konata turned to back to face them all and gave them a hearty wave.

"Just for the delightful present, Haruhi, I'm going to give you lot something special in return. You're going to love it," Konata turned to Tsukasa, who in turn stepped forward. "Tsukasa, please give our esteemed friends a going-away present."

"Sure!" Tsukasa reached into her skirt pocket and pulled out a round object with a string dangling out of it. She then proceeded to take a match and ignite said string.

"W-What's that?" Mikuru nervously asked.

"Balsamic vinegar knockout bomb," Tsukasa said flatly as she chucked it right at them all.

**KA-BOOOM!!!**

The tiny explosive released a white cloud over the whole Brigade. Most of them began to gag on the incredibly bitter fumes. The force of the explosion badly startled Kyouko, who stumbled over the side and accidently pulled over Sasaki. Both girls fell with a scream and a splash.

"Whoa, that reeks!" choked Taniguchi.

"But it's so soothing..." droned Itsuki, who's eyelids felt incredibly heavy.

"First one to wake up..." Yuki didn't even finish her sentence. She collapsed upon the deck and shortly after, everyone else as well. Except Haruhi. She slowly plodded forward and reached out weakly to Konata.

"Give me.... back.... my..... mom..." she said weakly.

"Hey, Minami?" Konata called to her minty-haired bruiser with twin battleaxes.

"Yes, Kaptain?" said the tall girl.

"Send Haruhi here to dreamland, okay?"

"As you wish, Kaptain."

And the last thing Haruhi heard, before the flat side of Minami's axe struck her over the head, was Konata and company's scornful laughter.

"What did I tell, you guys? Spineless wimps all the way! HA!"

As the pirates laughed, they failed to notice the entire scene had been overheard and observed by a certain cephalopod...

"Urrrrrrgh..." moaned Haruhi as she stirred awake, "What happened? Did we get'em?"

"Afraid not, my armband-wearing chum," announced a familiar voice.

Haruhi's eyes snapped open. She tried to stand up, but fell back down on her butt to the ship's deck. Several thick ropes were tied around her waist, pining her arms to them. Looking around, Haruhi saw that Kyon and the others were awake and in similar situations as well around her (even Tsuruya's parrots). The S. S. Ahoge was still parked away from their own ship. Naru stood aboard, bound up with rope and looking a tad miffed. Right next to them was a huge burlap bag, bulging at the seams.

"Thanks for the treasure!" giggled Patricia, causing Haruhi to fume inwardly.

"What are you going to do with me?" Naru asked Konata.

"Oh, just the usual. By being my new mother, you're entitled to a wide array of benefits. Tell her, Miyuki," Konata gestured to her pink-haired friend.

"The Kaptain is right," smiled Miyuki. "Such luxuries include a breakfast-in-bed on Mother's Day, asking how your day was and wanting to hear all about it, asking for tips on guys, swapping hair and fashion tips, and receiving presents on major holidays like Christmas and Easter. Birthdays will be followed by a visit to a restaurant of your choosing as well as a song and cake. Ice-cream is optional."

"Really?" said Naru, her eyes sparkling with wonder, "Haruhi never does any of that for me! That sounds like heaven!"

"MOM!!!" Haruhi cried out, "I always tell you that I love you! Doesn't that account for anything? A daughter's true love for her mother?"

"When _was _the last time you told her you loved her? Hmmm?" smirked Hiyori.

"Errr... Last week! ...I think..."

"Wait till we set sail! You're going to love hanging out with us!" Konata said to Naru.

"Yeah, I guess... Say, what do you girls do out here?" pondered Naru.

"Oh, that. We usually just sit around and talk about our favorite foods and how we eat them for a few hours. Then we make pointless observations and reference other animes, too," answered Kagami.

"I LIKE YURI!!!" Hiyori said randomly.

"I'M GONNA BE QUEEN OF THE WEABOOS!!!" shrieked Patricia.

Naru furrowed her brow in deep though and considered her options. After weighing them around a bit, she figured there was one thing she could do.

"HARUHI!!! WHAT ARE YOU SITTING AROUND FOR?!?!?! GET UP AND GET ME OFF THIS BOAT!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK OUT HERE IN THE OCEAN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH THESE FREAKS!!!" screamed the poor woman, throwing herself about against her bindings.

As Naru threw her tantrum, there was movement in the waves below. If anyone had looked down, they would have seen Sasaki, Kyouko, and Fujiwara (sans fish suit) standing atop Kuyou's back. The four watched the scene above unfold and decided to make their move.

"All right, gang. This is it. We have to pull this off in one go or Haruhi and her friends are doomed," murmured Sasaki.

"They helped us and now it's our turn to return the favor," whispered Kyouko.

"And I know Kuyou here has been aching for a tussle all day. Right? Ready for some payback?" Fujiwara spoke to the black surface beneath them. In response, there was a low rumble.

"Remember, Kuyou. We'll try to distract them for as long as we can. You make sure Haruhi and everyone else gets untied. Okay, guys, let's do this!" said Sasaki as she handed Kyouko a yellow bandanna, Fujiwara a white one, and herself a hot pink one. Kuyou proceeded to extend one of her arms up to the back of the S. S. Ahoge. The trio made their across the makeshift bridge to put their plan into action.

Meanwhile as Naru still continued to cry, Konata looked on with an indifferent eye. "Eh. She'll adapt. Now, Haruhi, this is where we part ways. Miyuki, do the honors."

"With pleasure, my Kaptain!" Miyuki said gleefully as she took out a crossbow and fixed a single arrow to it. "Say, Miss Suzumiya? What kind of uniforms are you and your crew wearing?"

"Cotton... Why do you ask?" Haruhi raised an eyebrow.

"How lovely! I hear that burns up rather quickly!" grinned Miyuki as she lit the arrow on fire. Haruhi heard Mikuru's high-pitched wail and turned to look at her. She almost fainted. Scattered about the ship's deck were at least twenty gunpowder barrels. And one had been planted right in the middle of her crew's spot.

"We're finished!" shouted Taniguchi.

"Did I ever tell any of you how much I love you all?!" stuttered a panicked Itsuki.

"I don't wanna die a virgin!" sobbed Ryoko, resting her on Yuki's shoulder.

"Well, Haruhi, this it," Kyon said solemnly. "I'll admit, I never expected being blown up by loli-pirates to be the way I die. I'll see you all. Probably from heaven with my sister and Miss Asahina. You're all going to hell. Good luck with eternal damnation and all that."

"Fuck you, Kyon!" growled Haruhi.

"Like you did with me all those times?"

"Heh heh! BURN!" snickered Tsuruya.

"Just like you guys in a few seconds," Konata said lazily. "Well, Haruhi, you were a worthy foe. Well, not really since this is technically the first time we've met in battle and I pulled a flawless victory. I'll try to make sure pieces of you don't hit your mom. Bye!"

And with a chuckle, Miyuki launched the arrow.

Kyon tried to shift his position in an attempt that maybe that his carcass would act as a shield for Mikuru and Imouto. Haruhi shut her eyes as the arrow came closer and closer and...

...was snatched out of the air by Sasaki on a rope.

"ZOMGWTFBBQLOLWUT?!?!" screamed Konata as Miyuki gasped in surprise.

Sasaki touched down on the deck and cast the arrow into the sea. She smirked haughtily as Kyouko and Fujiwara descended down next to her, too. All three wore bandanas. Both pirate gangs stared in complete confusion.

"Sasaki, reporting for duty!" yelled Sasaki.

"Kyouko, reporting for duty!" yelled Kyouko.

"Fujiwara, reporting for duty!" yelled Fujiwara.

"We represent the Buccaneer Brigade!" All three then struck a ludicrous pose.

An awkward silence befell everyone (though Haruhi and Kyon couldn't help but smile).

"Oh, goody! Now we know what to put on your tombstones!" Patricia said nastily.

"Hey... aren't those the losers we left on that island?" piped up Yutaka.

"I believe so..." Ayano scratched her chin in contemplation.

"What are you guys doing here?!" snarled Miaso. "Playin' pirate, huh? LAME!"

"Miaso, you have a point there. These are the high-seas. There ain't any room on these waters for pirate pretenders!" sneered Konata. "What do you pansies want anyways? A watery grave?"

"We're here to help out our friends! Okay, guys! Ready?" asked Sasaki. Her two friends nodded.

"What they doing?" asked Kunikida.

"I have nooooooo idea," said a bemused Haruhi. The Cornet Crew looked equally confused as well. Even Naru cocked her head in the absurdity of it all.

Then Sasaki, Kyouko, Fujiwara did something. Something they will never do again. Something that would save their newfound pirate buddies. Something brave. Something they will never speak of again. Something completely random and out of leftfield.

They started to sing.

"_We're a band of vicious pirates!_" sang Sasaki.

"**A sailin´ out to sea,**" sang Kyouko.

"_**When you hear our gentle singing...**_" sang Fujiwara.

"_You'll be sure to turn and flee!_" Sasaki cried out as all three of them twirled around embarrassingly on the S. S. Ahoge's deck.

The crew of technicolor-haired girls stared on in complete morbid fascination.

"Oh, this is just ridiculous..." facepalmed Konata. "C'mon, you weirdoes! Quit that rap!"

"_**These pirates will be done for, when they fall into our trap! We're a club of tuneful rovers!**_"

"_We can sing in every clef!_"

"**We can even hit the high notes!**"

"_It's just too bad we're tone deaf!_"

"A pirate I was meant to be! Trim the sails and roam the sea!" All three of them waved their hands wildly in the air.

"Quit bugging me! I'm an evil pirate!" begged Konata.

"**We know you're sure to lose, ´cause we know just where to fire at!**"

"_**We're thieving balladeers.**_"

"_A gang of cutthroat mugs._"

"**_To fight us off ye don't need guns!_**"

"**Just really good ear plugs!**"

"A pirate I was meant to be! Trim the sails and roam the sea!"

Haruhi watched the bizarre display in awe. Just then, something slimy slithered against her waist. Looking down, she was surprised to see one of Kuyou's tentacles curling itself around her and everyone else. The extremity had come from the opposite side of the White Ruby, just out of Konata's eyesight.

"What's she doing?" asked a perplexed Haruhi.

"I see..." said Itsuki as Kuyou's arm continued to rub against them, "Sasaki and the others are distracting them with their song and dance number, so that Kuyou can free us! Feel how slimy her skin is! She's rubbing the goo on our ropes so they'll loosen!"

It was true. The ropes felt like they were smothered in soap and butter. Within moments, the whole crew was free and a little bit sticky. Kyon gave Kuyou an affectionate pat as she slid back into the water.

"Now what, my Captain?" asked Kyon.

Haruhi grinned. "Keep low, crew. I've got some weapons stashed in my room. Those lolis are going down!"

Back on the ranch with the singing threesome...

"Less singing, more sailing..." hissed Konata, turning a bit red as they began another verse.

"**When we defeat our wicked foe, her ship she will be bailing!**"

"_**If ye try ta fight us...**_"

"_...you will get a nasty whackin´!_"

"**If ya disrespect our singing´...**"

"_**...we will feed ya to our Kraken!**_"

"A pirate I was meant to be! Trim the sails and roam the sea!"

"I´m getting so sick of you guys and your rhyming," facepalmed Konata.

"_We´re ready to set sail, through the cannons need a priming._"

Meanwhile, Haruhi had managed to procure the weapons for her crew.

"Everyone got something?" she asked.

"I'm good!" smiled Ryoko, swapping out her hook for a knife.

"Great! Now, all together now... For the Buccaneer Brigade!"

"FOR THE BUCCANEER BRIGADE!!!"

Back with Sasaki and friends...

"Okay. Let me get this straight," said Konata, pinching the bridge of her nose, while the rest of the crew looked bored out of their skulls (except Naru), "You say you're nasty pirates... ...scheming, thieving, bad bushwhackers? From what I've seen I tell you... ...you're not pirates! You're just slackers!"

"A pirate I was meant to be! Trim the sails and roam the sea!" the three sang for the umpteenth time.

It was then that blue-haired pirate captain got a nasty idea.

"We'll surely avoid scurvy if we all eat an orange..." she smiled evilly.

The trio opened their mouths to sing, but stopped immediately. They hadn't seen this coming.

"Ummm... Door hinge?" tried Kyouko.

Konata beamed. "Cute. Kill them."

"With pleasure!" cackled Kagami, grinning savagely.

"We're in trouble! Kuyou, help!" called Kyouko. At the sound of her name, Kuyou's huge tentacles reared out of the water. The Cornet Crew was speechless.

"EEEEEKKK!! They do have a Kraken!" screamed Tsukasa, who fled into her cabin. Kuyou's arms encircled the mechanical vessel in an effort to crush it.

Konata was quite peeved at this. "Hiyori! Activate the emergency protocols! Turn that the beastie into fried calamari!"

"Yes, Kaptain!" The meganekko rushed over to the ship's wheel which was covered with buttons. Hiyori then pushed a button with a yellow lightning bolt on it. Almost immediately, metal rods poked out on the ship's sides. Electricity began to arc from them all. Kuyou was zapped by the electricity, and though it wasn't enough to kill her, it was enough to make her let go of the S. S. Ahoge. She retreated beneath the waves to her friends' horror.

Sasaki, Kyouko, and Fujiwara huddled together as several pointy objects came their way. It looked like they were doomed until...

"Eat, feet, shorty!" howled Haruhi as she swung down from a rope and kicked a stunned Konata to the ground with her boots. A second later, the rest of the Cornet Crew met the same fate.

"What kind of noodle incident is this?!" yelled an enraged Kagami.

"You're free!" cried Sasaki to the Buccaneer Brigade.

"And you all came to help us?" asked Fujiwara.

"Of course, my new swabbies!" Haruhi smiled brightly.

"Never leave crew members behind," said Yuki.

"Unless it's for a quick getaway!" added Itsuki, who Yuki elbowed shortly after.

Konata quickly gathered her wits, flung her hat aside, and shouted out to the Cornet Crew just as they were getting to their feet. "Ladies! Looks like these guys still have some fight left in 'em! Grab a weapon and rend these guppies like a school of sharks!"

And thus a great battle began. Yuki and Minami faced off against each other, the latter sporting her axes and the former holding a rapier. Both remained silent as they traded vicious blows.

"You fight well," mused Yuki, delivering a forward thrust.

"As do you," offered Minami, crossing the axes over her chest to block Yuki's attempt on her heart.

Nearby, Kyon took on Kagami, each of them wielding a cutlass. The two shot angry glares at one another.

"So... how insane is your captain?" asked Kyon, feinting to the left.

"Pretty nuts. Yours?" inquired Kagami, unleashing a horizontal slice.

"She violates my body on a daily basis. She's raped a total of thirty-eight times."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. I'm thinking of one day mutinying and murdering her in her sleep."

"Cool. Hope it turns out okay."

"Thanks."

Itsuki was having his hands full with Ayano. The girl with matching hair and bandana was quite nimble, and attacking with two daggers and a flurry of kicks.

"See me now, handsome?" she taunted, while executing a bicycle-kick.

Itsuki blocked the blow with his arm and lunged forth with his cutlass. "I could a lot better if it wasn't for the glare of your giant forehead!"

"...DIE!!!" Ayano began to attack more viciously, giving Itsuki more time to avoid her sloppy mistakes.

Next to them, Taniguchi and Kunikida (armed with a bone-saw) squared off against Miyuki and Hiyori. Miyuki occasionally shot off an arrow when she was far enough, but was also apparently skilled at using her crossbow as a club against Taniguchi's saber. Hiyori lacked a signature weapon, however, and opted to use her favorite colored pencils as weapons.

"A little help here!" shouted Taniguchi as Miyuki tried to jab him with an arrow.

"Hey, I got my own problems here," replied Kunikida as Hiyori tried to jam a red pencil into his jugular.

Some feet away, Ryoko and Tsuruya were engaging in battle with Patricia and Miaso. Patricia was skilled with her scimitar, but Ryoko's knife hand was faring much better.

"No one can beat me! I'm the best!" boasted Patricia, clashing her sword against Ryoko's much smaller blade. "C'mon! Say something witty. I dare ya!'

Ryoko frowned a bit before getting into a defensive stance. "........You're annoying."

"...Meanie."

Meanwhile, Tsuruya and Miaso were engaged in their own gunfight, ducking behind crates and barrels. Each of them blasted the other's cover in an attempt to flush out the other.

"Go, Tsuruya! Go, Tsuruya!" cheered her green parrots.

"Yeah! I'm megas awesome all right! Where's your cheering section?" teased Tsuruya, sticking her tongue out.

Miaso glared at the fanged girl and then smiled. "I don't need a cheering section, va! I got something even better!"

"And what's that, nyoro?"

Miaso quickly ducked down- only to return moments later with a miniature cannon in her arms.

"Just this HANDCANNON!!! VA HA HA HA HA!!!"

"...Nyoro~n."

As Miaso chased after Tsuruya, another fight was taking place. This battle seemed quite one-sided compared to the rest, though...

"All right, you little weasel!" hissed Sasaki as she, Kyouko, and Fujiwara circled around Yutaka. "No more playing around."

"Yeah! You are SO doing down!" threatened Kyouko.

The three charged forward, only to be floored immediately as Yutaka performed some sort of spinning kick that hit them all in the chin. They got up and tried again... with the same results.

"Damn it! That's the fourth time that's happened!" cursed Fujiwara. The blond glanced up just in time to see his female companions cornered by Yutaka, who had withdrawn a nasty-looking knife.

"I'm gonna cut you good!" the salmon-haired girl cackled evilly. Her laughter was cut off abruptly as Fujiwara picked her by the scruff of her uniform.

"HEY! What gives?" Yutaka whined weakly as Fujiwara hung her from a hook protruding from the mast. She glared at him, but was unable to reach him from her spot.

"Ha," he scoffed.

In the midst of all these battles, the biggest one was taking place. Haruhi and Konata faced off against each other. Each had their sword raised against the other. Then suddenly, Haruhi took a stab at Konata. The loli blocked it and countered with a wild swing. The tsundere was able to leap out of her enemy's arms and into safety. Konata moved forwards into Haruhi's range. They exchanged blows, neither one relenting.

As their swords clashed, Konata took it as an opportunity to say, "My attacks have left entire islands depopulated!"

"Oh, yeah?" sneered Haruhi, "That's rich!"

Instead of attacking, Konata stepped back and said, "No, Haruhi! You're doing it wrong!"

Haruhi raised an eyebrow quizzically. "What? Doing what wrong?"

"Haven't you ever practiced Insult Sword-fighting?"

"Insult... what?'

"Oh, come on! EVERYONE'S heard of that! It's really quite simple. When you engage in a battle of the highest caliber, you have to use Insult Sword-fighting! It's just basically countering whatever the other guy says with a witty retort that rhymes. Like when I said 'My attacks have left entire islands depopulated!', you were supposed to say..."

"Errr... I found some gold, but it was electro-plated?"

"Pretty bad, but yes! Anyone can do it!"

"Really? It kinda sounds needlessly complicated."

"That's what makes it so tricky and fun! You've gotta have a wit as sharp as your-"

And that's when Haruhi took advantage of Konata's momentary loss of concentration to knock her sword out of her hand. It flew overboard with a splash. Everyone stopped fighting to see the outcome.

"Looks like I win," bragged Haruhi, placing her blade's tip on her rival's nose. "And you, my vertically-challenged friend, lost."

But Konata didn't seem afraid. In fact, she smiled her old cat-like grin.

"Actually, you haven't, Haruhi. I have something much better than an old sword. Here's something I've been dying to use!" Konata reached into her coat's pockets and pulled out two thick, leather, fancy-looking gloves colored baby-blue. She put them on and proceeded to push two small buttons on the backs of them. Kyon's eyes widened as razor-sharp katanas sprouted from each of Konata's fingertips. Within moments, Konata had ten 'claws' slicing through the air like a knife through butter.

"Well, Haruhi?" asked Konata, using one of her claws to adjust her ahoge, "What do you think? Pretty impressive, hmmmmm?"

"Wow. A ridiculously dangerous weapon with garish colors that no sane person would own," deadpanned Haruhi, who couldn't take her eyes off the blades. "Where did you even get those things?"

"Made them myself! Got the idea from guy named Kuro! Now, Haruhi, it's time for a little background music for our awesome battle scene! Cue the music!" exclaimed Konata to an unnamed force.

And for no reason at all, the first boss battle theme from Chrono Trigger began to play in the background.

"Perfect! Prepare for the afterlife, Haruhi! YES, INDEED!!!" smiled Konata.

"You. Are. So. Fucking. Weird," Haruhi announced, wondering how in the hell Konata did that.

"And you're about to be dead!"

Konata dashed forward and delivered a storm of slashes and cuts to her enemy. Haruhi felt her sword arm get lightly nicked at one point in the barrage. Every time she tried to get in an attack, Konata blocked with nine other blades and struck out with one. In an attempt to keep her body parts, Haruhi decided to try some of that Insult Sword-fighting.

"You're the ugliest monster ever created!" fired Haruhi, thrusting forward.

"If you don't count all the ones you've dated," countered Konata, swiping to the right.

Overhearing this, Kyon let out a strangled gasp out of his mouth. Kagami winced as well.

"I have never lost a melee!" fired Konata.

"You would have, but you were always running away!" countered Haruhi.

The crowds 'ooohed' at this one. Meanwhile, on the White Ruby, Mikuru and Imouto watched the fight. They'd been left onboard due to their lack of fighting abilities. Mikuru made a promise to Kyon that she'd look after his sister.

"Don't you worry, Imouto," smiled Mikuru, turning to face the small girl, "I'm sure Kyon and the others will-"

But Imouto wasn't there anymore.

"ACK! Where are you?? ...Imouto?...Imouto!" Mikuru spotted her preparing to swing herself over to the boat on a rope. "Come back here!"

Mikuru ended up grabbing onto the rope as well, and before she it, she was swinging over the ocean with Imouto in tow. As soon they touched down, Mikuru started shrieking her head off.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" the red-head hollered.

"I gotta help Haruhi's mom!" answered Imouto, running over to where Naru was sitting. She'd gotten so bored being ignored, she had decided to sit down and rest.

"Oh. Hello, Imouto! Have you been captured as well?" asked Naru as Imouto untied her.

"Nope. Me and Mikuru are bustin' you out of here! ...Done! Let's go! Oh, look!" shouted the token-loli. Imouto dashed into the a nearby cabin that was open. Moments later, she returned with the Crystal Coconut in hand.

"Hey, Haruhi! I GOT THE COCONUT!!!"

"Excellent work, cabin-girl!" congratulated the genki girl, blocking an attack.

"Should've locked the damned thing up...EVERYBODY GET HER!!!" roared Konata, delivering another swipe at Haruhi. The other techicolor loli-pirates converged on the trio to take back the prize, only to be held off by their friends.

"Get to safety!" commanded Itsuki as Yutaka bit his right hand.

"Yeah!" agreed Tsuruya, grappling with Miaso, "We'll handles these goons!"

"Great!" smiled Mikuru, "Now we can all escape, before-"

"Hey! What are doing with our Kaptain's new mom!" demanded a shaky voice.

Mikuru jumped a few inches and spun around to face Tsukasa. The lavender-haired girl looked just as frightened as she was, but with one difference: she was armed. Tsukasa held a length of chain with a sharp hook on the end of it.

"You better put her back right now, before you get hurt!" Tsukasa said menacingly, but it came out as more of a request.

But before she could make good on her threat, one of Kuyou's tentacles sprang out of the water. It wrapped around her waist, and before Tsukasa could even scream, she was yanked into the ocean. Kagami, who was still battling with Kyon, saw this and gaped. So did Naru, Imouto, and Mikuru.

"Well... that problem solved itself!" remarked Naru, looking a bit freaked out.

"SIS!!!" sobbed Kagami, looking over the side, "PLEASE DON'T BE DEAD!!! PLEEEEEEEASE!!!"

Suddenly the sea bubbled violently, and Tsukasa was launched out from a blast of water. She landed on her rump right next to Kagami. Her twin-tailed sister gave her a hug.

"Oh, Tsukasa! I was so scared! I thought you had- Oh? Ick! What the hell?!" Kagami said with disgust, noticing that her twin had some sort of sticky green and yellow phlegm on her clothes.

"Huh," Tsukasa said nonchalantly, before breaking out into a smile, "Hey, sis! Do you know what this means? Now I've been inside of a Kraken, a great white shark, a marlin, a manatee, and a giant clam!"

Kagami heard this and faceplamed.

Haruhi looked over and saw that her mother was free. Sighing in relief, she almost didn't have enough time to dodge another' one of Konata' stabs. Seeing an opening, she thrust forward, and her blade brushed against the side of Konata's left cheek. It was a superficial wound, but this only spurred on the midget.

"I've got you now!" laughed Konata as she raked her talons across Haruhi's left side. This reduced the side of her red coat to ribbons. Haruhi clutched her side in pain. The cuts were deep, but they hurt like hell. Taking advantage of Haruhi's slowdown, Konata attacked with a nasty upward kick that effectively disarmed the tsundere.

"You're finished," smiled Konata with a cat-like gleam in her eyes. "Any last words? Your corpse will make an excellent figma after I stuff you."

Shakily, Haruhi stood up fully and watched as Konata brought her claws to her sides.

"I only got one thing to say to you!" shouted Haruhi.

"Oh? And what's that?" asked Konata as she swung her weapons forward.

And in one fluid motion, Haruhi slid under Konata's claws and decked her right in the jaw with an uppercut. The otaku flew backwards, landed on her head, and collapsed onto the deck in a heap of blue.

"Otakus fail at life. Now, everyone! Let's get back to our ship!"

"You heard the, Captain! Move it!" yelled Kyon grabbing onto a rope and swinging away. Everyone else mimicked his actions and made it back to the safety of the White Ruby. Konata regained her footing and chased after Haruhi. She made an attempt to slash her legs, but Haruhi was already in the air and escaping. She stuck out her tongue and gave her short foe a raspberry.

"Quick, Kuyou! Grab the loot!" ordered Haruhi. Fast as lightening, Kuyou rose back out of the water, lashed out and snagged the sack containing the stolen treasure. Afterwards , she set it on the deck of the White Ruby. Konata frowned darkly.

"You may have the treasure, but you haven't won yet! Let's ram them with our ship, girls!" roared the ahoge-donning girl.

"No way! Kuyou! Do that technique we talked about!" encouraged Sasaki. In response, the huge squid-girl swam away their boat and a couple yards away from Konata's ship.

"Heh! How cute! I think she's going to ram us!" chuckled Miaso, knowing full well the ship could take a frontal-assault.

But, Kuyou wasn't planning to ram the ship. Instead, she raised her mouth out of the water and pointed it towards the sky. With a thunderous roar, Kuyou spat something high into the air. It was a black object covered in flames. And it was slowly arcing towards Konata's ship. The entire female pirate crew's eyes went wide with fear.

"Tsukasa...." Konata asked as she looked through her telescope.

"Yes, Kaptain?" the ribboned girl asked fearfully.

"What is that?"

"I-I-It looks like a giant g-glob of i-ink that's been set on f-f-fire...."

"So it's a fireball?"

"I guess so..."

"I see............. RETREAT!!!" cried Konata in a panic as she and the rest of the Cornet Crew dashed into a metal hatch on the ship's deck. Minami slammed it after them, just as Kuyou's fireball landed ten seconds later.

**KA-BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!**

The entire S. S. Ahoge was swiftly blown to pieces in an enormous fiery blast. The Buccaneer Brigade had to drop to the deck to avoid getting a case of shrapnel acne. When they stood up, they were greeted with the sight of flaming wreckage and shards of metal bobbing up and down in the water. The Cornet Crew had been thoroughly destroyed.

Haruhi took off her hat and bowed. "Sorry it had to end this way, Konata. You may have been my enemy, but you were once my friend. Maybe someday you and I will meet again in the great big ship's graveyard in the sky. Maybe-"

"Look!" interrupted Mikuru, "Something's coming out of the water!"

"The hell?"

The Buccaneer Brigade gasped in unison as a sleek metal object surfaced out of the burning flotsam. It was a submarine painted to look like a shark, complete with eyes and blood-red jaws. A hatch at the top popped open, and Konata Izumi stuck her head out. She gave them all a cute pout and shook a tiny fist at Haruhi.

"Always be prepared for anything is my motto! Not anything from your dumb pirate code! I swear on collection of Gundam 00 manga and a box of strawberry pocky that I WILL have my revenge on you one day, Haruhi Suzumiya! We'll meet again! Now to say something I've always wanted to say... Kagami! DIVE!! DIVE!! DIVE!!" commanded Konata, jumping back into the sub.

"Aye aye, my Kaptain..." droned the twin-tailed tsundere from inside the vessel as she, her sister, and the other lolis proceeded to activate the ship's engines via bicycle pedals they were all seated upon.

"Awwwwwwwww~... You look so cute when you handle complicated machinery."

"...I hate you."

And then the sub disappeared under the waves without a trace. Haruhi breathed a sigh of relief. They had done it. It was over.

"We won," announced Yuki, looking over some manga that she'd swiped.

"Hooray!" shouted Imouto.

"Huh. Well what do you know? We actually DID win!" laughed Kyon.

"Winning is megas awesome!" guffawed Tsuruya. Chu and Ruya cawed in agreement.

"That was so exciting! I mean, I almost died, but still that was exciting!" said Mikuru, wiping the sweat off her brow.

"Who knew loli-pirates could be so dangerous? They were still cute, though," mused Taniguchi.

"You weren't the one who almost got his head cleaved off?" grumbled Kunikida.

"I must say, that was a rousing success. Cheers to us all," said Itsuki.

"I didn't lose anymore limbs! Yes!" whooped Ryoko.

"Well done, crew! We defeated my archenemies and got back my family treasure! Oruki Suzumiya would be proud! Now let's all go to Tortuga and get plastered! Rejoice, me hearties!" laughed Haruhi. The crew began to clap and cheer merrily.

"I guess we'll be sticking around, too," said Sasaki.

"Yeah. I never did like my office. Too cramped. Out here I can make my own hours!" smiled Fujiwara.

"And these pirate outfits are so chic!" beamed Kyouko.

Kuyou gurgled.

"Not to worry, my chum-eating chum!" shouted Haruhi. "We'll find a cure for your Devil Fruit curse! That I can promise you! For now, just concentrate on smashing stuff and pulling the boat. Okay, Kuyou?"

Another gurgle.

"That's the spirit!" Sasaki cheered happily.

Once again, the forces of evil had been defeated by a somewhat lesser evil. The ocean was free for both pirates and sailors now. The Buccaneer Brigade would go on to have many more adventures together. All was well until...

"Guess what, Haruhi!" Naru said excitedly, walking out of the main cabin.

"What?" asked Haruhi.

Naru held up something. "I FOUND ANOTHER JAR OF DIRT~!!!"

Everyone on the boat facepalmed.

Except for Kuyou who tentaclepalmed.

* * *

**A/N: There you go, Nederbird. Hope you liked it. :)**

**You guys can expect a Thanksgiving special in a few days, but I'll be doing different stuff before then. Make sure to review this one, ya hear!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	64. Evil Loves Company

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Inspired by my good friend, BKE. He told me this one a while back and I decided to follow through with it. The idea was this: since there are plenty of pairings and love triangles found within the SOS Brigade, are there any within the Anti-SOS Brigade? **

**And thus, a love 'quadrangle' was made. That's actually a real word. Heard it from my favorite game, Baten Kaitos Origins. :)**

**Now let's see if evil can fall in love. Let's take a journey into the minds of our favorite villains/anti-heroes/foil characters and see what they think of their crushes. And for simplicity's sake, Kuyou's thoughts are all in regular print. Enjoy.**

**P.S. Don't worry, BKE. I will follow through with your other ideas. Like the one about Imuoto... Ha ha ha...**

* * *

**A Love Quadrangle:**

_**-Kuyou's POV-**_

_From what I've observed, love is when two beings feel the urge to care for and protect one another. My instinct to protect Fujiwara is stronger than my need to protect Sasaki or Kyouko. I must love him then. How odd. Now that I recall, my heart feels peculiar and face gets hot when he's around. I knew it wasn't the temperature of the environment. Does he love me back? I must talk to him about this soon. I know. I will arrange to meet him alone at night somewhere safe. I will admit my love for him there. Then I will offer him the chance to engage in sexual intercourse with me. That is what humans who are in love do, right? Exactly. If he accepts, then we will participate in this act at night for everyday of the week. My willingness to experiment with anything might pique his interest. If he refuses, I will alter his memories accordingly, before having my way with him. Yes.... Perfect._

_**-Fujiwara's POV-**_

_Oh, yeeeeah. Kyouko totally digs me. I used to think she was kind of a dork and a little bit of a Sasaki-enthusiast, but the signs are all there. Like the way she rolls the 'r' in my name. Man, that's sexy! Sure it's not my real name, but it's still pretty hot. Maybe I'll tell her my real name sometime.... over breakfast! Ha ha! Zing! I can't believe I didn't see it before... She's always asking how my day was and leaving those Post-its around her apartment for me to find.... 'Pick up after yourself, you pig!' Oh, Kyouko, you little minx, you! I'm onto your little game! You can't fool me! And I'm pretty sure me walking into the bathroom while you were taking a shower was no accident. Didn't know you had a birthmark right THERE, you kinky little fox. Your charm went up especially when you hit me in the head with that shampoo bottle. Your mouth said "Get the fuck out, you douchebag!", but your eyes said "Take me right here and now, you big sexy stallion!" God, I'm a catch. Heh heh heh..._

_**-Kyouko's POV-**_

_OH, SASAKI!!! YOU ARE WITHOUT A DOUBT THE HOTTEST GODDESS I'VE EVER LAID EYES ON!!! SPICIER THAN JAPAN'S BEST CURRY!!! THAT SMILE, THOSE EYES, AND THAT CUTE LITTLE BUTT!!! KYAAAH~!!! MAKES ALL MY NAUGHTY PARTS TINGLE!!! YOU'D BE A MUCH BETTER RULER OF THE UNIVERSE THAN THAT RIBBON-WEARING WHORE!!! IF SHE EVEN LAYS ONE FINGER ON A LUSCIOUS HAIR ON YOUR WISDOM-FILLED HEAD, I'LL SCRATCH HER EYES OUT!!! THAT SLUT WITH RUE THE DAY SHE CROSSED PATHS WITH KYOUKO TACHIBANA!!! SHE AND HER LITTLE HERETICS WILL ALL FRY IN THE PITS OF HELL, WHEN YOUR DAY TO RULE ARRIVES!!! I WILL BE AT YOUR SIDE, SASAKI, FOR ALL ETERNITY!!! OH, SASAKI... I WANT YOUR SOFTNESS INSIDE OF ME!!! OHHH~......_

_**-Sasaki's POV-**_

_Awwww~... What a beauty... Every time I gaze upon you, my stomach fills with white-hot butterflies. You simply take my breath away. I knew from the moment I saw you, that it was love at first sight. I know I often tell people like Kyon that love is only for increasing the population and that it isn't real, but you proved me wrong. You taught me what love is really like. My heart aches for you. I want to gently caress your skin and hold you close. But that can never happen, my vision of loveliness. We may have common goals and interests, but our love is something that never be... Others would look down upon us and frown at our union. But I don't care. Because when I look at your angelic face, all my troubles just melt away-_

"SASAKI!!!"

"WHAT?!?!?! I mean- Yes, mother?"

"For goodness sakes, Sasaki! Put down that stupid mirror and come help me with the groceries!"

"Fine, mom... Geez!"

* * *

**A/N: So.... We have Kuyou the love-struck tentacle-rapist, Fujiwara who's a dumber version of Taniguchi, Kyouko the Sasaki-fangirl, and Sasaki the narcissist. **

**Wow. **

**Prepare yourselves for a Thanksgiving chapter next!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it!**


	65. A Thanksgiving Massacre

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: And now, ladies and gentlemen... A Thanksgiving treat. I thought I should post it the day before Thanksgiving, but decided that people might be too busy with their families to get any time to read my chapter. So I decided to post it during Thanksgiving week so that everyone can enjoy at their leisure.**

**Somewhat inspired by the episode of South Park called "****Helen Keller! The Musical**"**. It still tickles me to this day. Bon appétit! **

* * *

**The Turkey Who Came to Dinner:**

It was a brisk November afternoon, and the SOS Brigade were making their way downtown. The reason? With Thanksgiving being nine days away, Haruhi had decided to throw her friends an extravagant Thanksgiving party afterschool in the Brigade clubroom. In an effort to avoid depriving them of spending time with their families, Haruhi had announced that their party would take place before Thanksgiving vacation started. She'd come gallivanting into the clubroom waving the permission slip in their faces as if she'd scored the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl. And in an effort to be 'friendly', Haruhi had declared she would invite the Anti-SOS Brigade, the Student Council President and Emiri Kimidori, and the Computer Club President to the dinner. Something about 'making peace with their enemies'.

"Where are we going, Haruhi?" asked Kyon, tired of walking around in the fresh air.

"Glad you finally asked, my loyal subordinate!" Haruhi said gleefully. "In order to properly celebrate Thanksgiving, we must have a turkey! Thanksgiving without a turkey would be like Christmas without candy or Valentine's Day without expensive chocolate!"

"Uh-huh. I get it. But why aren't we at the store?"

"Because, Kyon, going into a supermarket for a turkey before a week before Thanksgiving would be like signing our own death warrants. They're probably all gone. And if by some miracle that DID find a turkey, people would be jumping out of windows just to get at us!"

"Really?" asked Mikuru.

"Of course, Mikuru! I will not risk our lives for the sake of poultry! ...Maybe Kyon's, but not yours!"

"Hey! I'm not cannon fodder, Haruhi! ...Anyways, where are we going?"

"To see an old friend, Kyon! Nakagawa!"

Kyon was quite puzzled. "My friend from junior high? Since when did you two become so close?"

"Since I learned his uncle owns a turkey farm!" beamed Haruhi.

"Ahh. That explains it," smiled Itsuki.

After five minutes of walking, the group of friends reached Nakagawa's house. The half-esper boy greeted them heartily from the porch.

"Hello, guys!" He took notice of Yuki and put on a gallant smile. "Hello... Nagato."

"..." said Yuki.

"Hate to cut in there, Casanova," butted in Haruhi, "But don't you have a turkey here for us?"

Nakagawa finally seemed to remember that there were other people present at the time. "Oh, right! My uncle just dropped this off two hours ago. I'll go get it." The boy darted into the house and returned moments later with a wooden box and crowbar. "Here it is!"

"What's with the box?" asked Kyon.

"Ohhhhh! It's probably so big, that they had to pack it in with all the ice! Let's see this sucker!" Haruhi grinned, snatching away the crowbar and popping open the crate. Everyone watched in wonder as....

...a live turkey came trotting out of the box.

"What the hell?!" exclaimed Haruhi. "I know I said I wanted a fresh turkey, but I didn't want it _that _fresh!"

"Guess my uncle accidently took it the wrong way when I asked him to get you guys a turkey," Nakagawa admitted.

The Brigade looked at the turkey. It was pretty scrawny for its size and for some reason, its head was almost dragging along the ground. It stared at them with its big dull doe-like eyes.

"Our turkey appears to be suffering from a deteriorated mental state," monotoned Yuki.

"So it's retarded?" said Itsuki as the turkey waddled around in small circles.

"Exactly."

"Oh, Nagato! You're so intelligent!" gushed Nakagawa.

"We wanted a frozen one! Not a living one!" yelled Kyon. "Now what do we do?"

"Not to worry, friends! I have a solution!" smiled Haruhi as she pulled a stainless-steel knife out of her coat pocket.

"W-What are you doing, Miss Suzumiya?!" stuttered a disturbed Mikuru. "You're not going to actually-"

"Yup! If we do it ourselves, it'll cut down the cost of finding us a butcher! Now, c'mere bird!"

"Are you insane, Haruhi?!?" sputtered Kyon, while Nakagawa turned a shade of white.

"Nope!"

"Please, Miss Suzumiya! Please reconsider!" begged Itsuki, while several onlookers began to watch.

"Never! Now grab the- HEY!!!" yelled Haruhi as the turkey pecked her outstretched hand. "He's getting away! Come back here so I can stuff your butt with leftover Halloween candy!"

The turkey half-fluttered, half-ran down the street with Haruhi in hot pursuit. Her friends chased after her. Nakagawa watched the spectacle unfold with huge eyes.

"Uhhh... You're welcome?" he finally said.

***

**An Hour Later...**

***

Haruhi chased the turkey through several streets, alleys, and stores. In the chase, her friends lost track of her. Finally, the fast-moving fowl came to a stop before her school. The gates were closed and Haruhi had already closed in.

"Ha ha... ha... ha ha ha... ha..." Haruhi cackled tiredly, "Finally caught up... to you! Now stop running and c'mere! In a few short days you'll be taking an all-paid expenses trip to my duodenum!"

As Haruhi attempted to grab the turkey, something inexplicable happened. It focused both of its crossed-eyed eyes on her and stared. Haruhi froze in mid-grab. The turkey's beady black eyes drilled right into her golden ones. They stared at each other for about two minutes. Haruhi felt her heart begin to melt. The knife fell to the dirt.

"Your eyes..." Haruhi said in daze. "Your eyes... they remind me of Kyon..."

"Gobble-gobble!" said the turkey.

***

**Five Minutes Later...**

***

Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki had followed Haruhi's trail in the direction of the school. When they approached the gates, they saw a startling sight.

"Haruhi? What are you doing?" asked Kyon.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Haruhi replied as she sat on a wooden bench. Seated in her lap was the turkey, fast asleep. Every three seconds, Haruhi pet it like a kitten.

"Oh, dear. It seems that we're too late," Itsuki said, furrowing his brow.

"Too late? For what?" Kyon blinked in response to the esper's statement.

"I'm talking about this. Miss Suzumiya has bonded with our dinner."

"Ahhhh. So the predator is now a mother?"

"Hey!" Haruhi quietly so as not to wake the turkey, "Gobbles is NOT dinner, Koizumi!"

"Gobbles?" said Mikuru.

"Yeah, Mikuru! I named him Gobbles! And he's now a member of this Brigade! From this day forward, the SOS Brigade shall have a turkey-free Thanksgiving!"

"WHAAAAT?!?!"

Everyone was surprised to see that the outburst had come from Yuki of all people.

"Uhhh... I mean... how wonderful..." murmured Yuki, looking as though someone had just slugged her in the stomach. "I can't wait... to not eat any turkey..."

"See, guys!" smiled Haruhi, completely oblivious that Yuki's eyes were swimming with tears, "Yuki's onboard! What do you guys say?"

"I guess it would be okay," shrugged Kyon.

"Anything all right with you is all right with me," Itsuki said with that phony-baloney smile.

"Umm.... sure, I guess," answered Mikuru.

"Great! See, Gobbles? You've been pardoned!" smiled Haruhi holding up the mentally-unstable bird for all to see.

"I think Nagato really had her heart set on turkey, Miss Suzumiya," Mikuru squeaked, noticing the alien's forlorn look.

Haruhi sighed. "Fine. I'll see what I can do. I'll try to get another turkey."

Yuki perked up in an instant. Well, as far she could. She wasn't crying anymore. Kyon took the moment to approach Haruhi with a question.

"Hey, Haruhi?" he asked.

"Yes?" responded the young goddess.

"What made you not want to slice and dice this turkey?"

"It was his eyes, Kyon."

"His eyes?"

"Yes. They reminded me of you. So pitiful and weak..."

"Oh. Well, that's- WHAT? I AM NOT EITHER OF THOSE THINGS! AND MY EYES DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THAT STUPID TURKEY'S- OWW!!!"

"Awww~! Look, Kyon! He's kissing you!"

"Gobble-gobble!"

"HE'S PECKING MY FACE!!! OWWWW!!! NOW HE'S CLAWING ME!!!"

"He's trying to shake your hand! Isn't that right, Gobbles?"

"Gobble-gobble!"

***

**The Day Before Thanksgiving Vacation...**

***

"Looks like everyone's here!" beamed Haruhi as she observed the guests seated at the club table. The computer had been moved to the floor so that Haruhi could sit at the head of the table. On the left side of the table sat Kyon, Yuki, Ryoko, TSCP, Emiri, and Kunikida. Across from them sat Sasaki, Fujiwara, Kyouko, Kuyou, Taniguchi, and Tsuruya. Mikuru and Itsuki both occupied the somewhat cramp end of the table. Haruhi had left Gobbles home (he was pretty tired from all of the times Haruhi had played with him the following days and when she'd to teach him how to jump through a burning hoola-hoop- something he was far better at than Mikuru).

The table was covered with all sorts of Thanksgiving goodies. Tsuruya had brought pumpkin pie, Mikuru had brought in this tomato soup called gazpacho (she'd been so busy helping out Haruhi with everything else for the room that it had been the only thing she could quickly whip up), apple cider, buttered noodles, potatoes salad, mashed potatoes, corn, yams, and other treats. Right in the center was a covered plate.

Everyone was accounted for and dressed in either formal wear or their normal clothes.

"Hey, Haruhi? Where's the TCCP? I thought you had invited him, too?" brought up Kyon.

"I did. I told him to bring the drinks, but I guess he's running late. We'll have to start without him," said Haruhi.

"Fine. I just want to get this over with. It was bad enough that you made Gobbles your second-in-command!"

"Oh, come on, Kyon! Koizumi was all right being demoted! Right, Koizumi?"

Itsuki stopped twirling a spoon in his hands and said, "No... I'm fine with replaced by... a turkey, Miss Suzumiya..."

"See? He's great!"

"Oh, brother..."

"Can't we eat yet, Miss Suzumiya?" piped up Ryoko, holding an electric knife, "I want to carve something sooooooo badly. Don't you, Kyon?"

Kyon shuddered. Everyone watched in unison as Haruhi went to the head of the table and grabbed the covered plate's handle. If anyone had looked in Yuki's direction, they would have noticed Yuki lapping up the drool on her lips.

"Now, everyone, I know I said that we weren't going to eat turkey on account of Gobbles being around. But I've changed my mind. And now without further ado... I present the main course! TA-DA!!!" cheered Haruhi as she threw off the cover.

Everyone grinned and leaned forward expectantly...

...only to have their hopes sink faster than a duck after a slice of pond-scum pie.

"Well?" asked Haruhi, "What do you guys think? Pretty appetizing, huh?"

"What's that?" asked Kyon with a look of obvious displeasure etched on his face.

"It's a turkey! ...Made entirely of tofu," Haruhi quickly dismissed. "I said I get us a turkey. ...There was no indication on what it had to be _made _of... So? Like it?"

Lying in the middle of the table was in fact, a tofu turkey. It's beige surface gleamed in the room's light. Two fake drumsticks poked out of the back. Parsley encircled it like a cage. Everyone stared at the main course in front of them for a good minute. Nobody said a word.

Then Yuki broke the silence with a uncharacteristic mutter of, "I wanted to eat turkey. Not this..._ thing_."

Everyone jumped on board as well.

"I kinda wanted turkey, too," said Mikuru.

"I did as well, Miss Suzumiya," said Itsuki.

"Yeah! I even wore my stretchy pants!" shouted Tsuruya.

"I wanted to carve something......" complained Ryoko.

"If I had known we'd be eating tofu, I would have already eaten," said TSCP.

"I must admit, I really wanted to eat turkey," said Emiri.

"I'm not really in a salad mood," said Kunikida.

"As long as it's free, I'm not complaining!" said Taniguchi, chowing down.

"Do you have anything else?" asked Sasaki.

"Ick! I HATE tofu!" said Kyouko.

"___Is it_____venomous___?" asked Kuyou.

"We should eat that stupid retarded turkey..." muttered Fujiwara.

"Knew this was a bad idea..." facepalmed Kyon.

"SHUT UP!!!" roared Haruhi slamming her hands onto the table. Everyone shut up. Taniguchi and Kunikida quickly took the moment to escape the table and moved past Haruhi to the back of the room, plates in hand, with the excuse of getting more side dishes.

"LISTEN, YOU INGRATES!!!" Haruhi snarled dangerously, pointing at them all, "I will not allow any of you fiends to inflict harm onto my Gobbles! He is a part of this Brigade! Brigade members do not eat each other! Now you will all sit your butts down, shut up, and eat this Thanksgiving dinner that I worked to the bone to serve you all! And you will all like it and be GRATEFUL ABOUT IT!!! YOU HEAR ME?!? GOOD!!! NOW EAT, YOU GREEDY PIGS!!!"

In an effort to demonstrate her point, Haruhi flung her hands to the side.

This had the unfortunate side-effect of hitting Taniguchi, who was on his way back from the snack table, having gotten up for some more carrot sticks, right in the face and sending his plate flying from his grip across the room. The plate's contents (mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, a candied yam, and a lump of the tofu turkey's left breast) spilled over five guests (Kyon, Tsuruya, Ryoko, Yuki, and Itsuki), before landing in Mikuru's bowl of gazpacho. The bowl's chilly crimson splashed in a huge red wave that splashed onto the plates of the Anti-SOS Brigade.

Before Fujiwara could even lament the loss of his dinner, a glob of the icy tomato soup splattered into his eyes. Screaming at the sudden cold, yet burning pain in his retinas, Fujiwara fumbled about for a napkin. In his search, his left hand accidentally made contact with Kyouko's breasts, causing the female esper to unleash an unearthly screech. His other hand grabbed Sasaki's chest, who responded with a bewildered look at being fondled by her male companion. Spooked at Kyouko's cry, the time-traveler bucked and his chair tipped backwards, sending him crashing to the floor with his two female companions still in his grasp. In an effort to avoid falling, Sasaki grabbed Kuyou's locks as a sort of rope and yanked back. The Sky Canopy Dominion representative did not expect this and kicked out in surprise as she fell onto her companions. Kuyou's powerful kick lashed out under the table and struck the TSCP's groin.

Gasping sharply at the feeling of his testicles now inside his body, the glasses-wearing boy threw back his chair, which smashed itself into Kunikida's stomach, who was still standing behind him. Kunikida, now pinned against the wall, bashed the back of his head against it and lost control of the plate in his hands, sending it flying into Tsuruya's pumpkin pie. The empty plate sent out a storm of whipped cream and pumpkin filling as it landed, splattering its tasty innards onto Mikuru's exposed chest, cherubic face, and beautiful dress. She tossed back her hands in surprise and struck Itsuki right in the nose. The flying desert debris also plopped into the stunned Emiri and TSCP's plates as well, effectively ruining their macaroni. Taniguchi, his vision impaired and his nose hurting from Haruhi's blow, stumbled further out into the room, tripped over the goddess's chair, and knocked poor Yuki face first into her salad. He slipped and to avoid falling, he grabbed Kyon's shoulders for support, causing the errand-boy to spill his apple cider on the tablecloth.

"NOOOOOO!!!" Kyon shouted in horror, since it was his mother's favorite tablecloth of all time that his grandmother had given her.

"Look what you did, Taniguchi!!" growled Haruhi, towering above the poor boy, "You've ruined Thanksgiving for everyone!"

"MY FAULT?!?" sputtered Taniguchi, coming very close to decking Haruhi. "You're the one who-"

"That's it! Get out of the clubroom! OUT!!!" Within moments, Haruhi had seized him by the collar and was dragging him towards the door to throw him into the hallway. Halfway through the room, her foot snagged something.

"The hell?" she said, before giving the object a sharp pull. Said object turned out to be a corner of the tablecloth which had been lying on the floor. At Haruhi's pull, the entire thing shot out from the entire ruined feast, sending several objects into the air. The bowl of buttered noodles crashed onto Ryoko's head, sending several strands of pasta down the front of her pretty blue dress. Emiri got smacked in the cranium with the entire supply of cranberry sauce, while Itsuki took a bowl of mashed potatoes to the torso, ruining his new sweater. And the poor tofu turkey temporarily took flight and landed on the entire Anti-SOS Brigade.

An awkward silence cascaded over the whole room.

And if that wasn't enough, the gravy boat tipped over anticlimactically, spilling its burning load into Kyon's lap.

"SHIT!!!" screamed Kyon, broken out of his trance and now furiously cleaning his lap so that he could still have children.

"Oh, great! Now look what you made me do, you moron!" Haruhi yelled at Taniguchi. She looked up and was glad to see everyone sending poisonous glares at him. Looking down, she was surprised to see him smirking up at her. Haruhi was confused for a moment, until she observed her guests more closely and noticed something vital.

They were glaring at _her_.

"Uhhh... guys?" Haruhi said nervously as everyone slowly rose out of their chairs. Itsuki had a rather creepy look on his face, his trademark smile times a thousand. Mikuru was holding the gazpacho bowl in her hands, small red beads running down her face, giving her the appearance that she was crying tears of blood. Yuki was expressionless, though her eyes were burning with the intensity of a hundred suns under her mask of lettuce and dressing. Kunikida and TSCP were both shooting daggers, bullets, axes, and laser blasts with their stares, while Emiri grinded her teeth in sheer frustration. Tsuruya was growling like a panther, pie tin in hand. Ryoko plucked a clump of pasta from in between her cleavage and cast a frightful look at Haruhi. The electric knife was still in her grasp. The entire Anti-SOS Brigade was seething beneath a heap of tofu. Kyon wasn't even paying attention. He just sat staring at the tablecloth as though he had killed an infant with his bare hands.

"Well... I think it's safe to say that I'll be sending Gobbles to a foster home for disabled animals. Who knows? Maybe he'll meet a bunch of other turkeys and make his own Brigade! Ha ha ha!" Haruhi laughed weakly as everyone (sans Kyon) advanced on her.

"So.... Have a nice vacation, everyone!!" Haruhi quickly said as she zipped towards the door.

"LET'S STUFF HER!!!" yelled TSCP as everyone darted forward.

Haruhi flung the door open and was met with the surprised face of TCCP. The tawny-haired boy watched in confusion as Haruhi slid between his legs and zoomed down the hallway. This action caused him to topple forward and spill the entire bowl of tropical-flavored punch he was holding onto the oncoming mob. Everyone gasped or screamed at the sudden chill on their skin and looked down to observe their new red outfits. They looked up at TCCP with shocked expressions. He mirrored their faces.

"Wow," said TCCP as he observed the room's interior from the doorway, "You guys must have had one hell of a party!"

From further in the room, Kyon sobbed deeply.

* * *

**A/N: Tune in next time in this stupid fanfiction for... I don't know! Requests maybe! Hee hee!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it!**


	66. Little Sisters

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Ahhhh, requests. I love doing these for people! Thanks for taking place in my lovely poll! They're so fun to do! So to celebrate, here's something BKE asked for.**

**Have fun, guys! It's because of people like you that I'm now addicted to checking my in-box! **

**FEED MY ADDICTION!!!**

**...And I know I said it before, but Happy Thanksgiving.**

* * *

**Could You Light Me Some Incest?:**

"Hmmmmmmmm..." hummed Kyon to himself as he lifted a pillow off his bed, "Not here either. Where could it be?"

"What's where?" asked a small voice from behind him.

Kyon stood up and peered over his shoulder. Standing in his door way was Imouto, licking an orange popsicle, hand behind her back.

"I'm looking for my cell phone, sis. I'm expecting some important calls from some friends. Only I can't figure out where I last put it. It's like it grew legs and crawled away!" exclaimed the exasperated boy, turning back around.

"Gee, that's too bad! I hope you find it soon!" sympathized the small girl.

"Yeah. Me, too," wheezed Kyon, preparing to search under his bed.

"Hey, Kyon? If you can't find your phone, do you wanna play New Super Mario Bros Wii with me? It's a lot more fun when there's someone else playing."

"Okay."

"Really?"

"Sure. Why not? I'll talk to my friends tomorrow. I guess they can wait."

"Great!"

And so Imouto skipped off to her own room, leaving her brother to his own devices. Humming a jaunty tune all the way, the tot entered her room and locked the door. Tossing her finished popsicle stick in the wastebasket, she took a look at the cell phone clutched in her tiny hand. Stilling humming, she opened it up and looked at the received voice mail messages.

_From: Haruhi S._

_**Kyon! Where are you?! You were supposed to come over to study at my house an hour ago! Where-**_

_*Click*_

_**Message Deleted**_

_From: Mikuru A._

_**K-K-Kyon? Are you there? I was thinking that maybe if you weren't too busy, we could-**_

_*Click*_

_**Message Deleted**_

_From: Yuki N._

_**Kyon. I have a book that you might be interested in borrowing. Perhaps you and I could read it-**_

_*Click*_

_**Message Deleted**_

_From: Itsuki K._

_**Kyon, it's me. I think we need to have a talk about Miss Suzumiya. She's becoming quite-**_

_*Click*_

_**Message Deleted**_

Satisfied, Imouto took the phone and placed it on a small table. After covering it with a magazine, she went over to her dresser and took out something. It was a poster of Kyon, from when Haruhi had decided to make them club calendars. The edges of it looked like they were cut by a pair of tiny scissors.

_Next time, _Imouto thought to herself with a devious smile on her face, _maybe you won't be so eager to ditch me at the house all by myself, Kyon. Maybe you've learned your lesson for now. Or not. You won't be able to leave me for those silly friends all the time, big brother. Oh, no. I'm the one who really loves you. Not any of those harpies. If I ever see any of them steal you away from me, then I'll claw their eyes out. Your __**my **__big brother, Kyon. I'm __**your **__cute little sister. And I'm going to be your little sister for the rest of your life, Kyon. Forever and ever and ever... _

* * *

**A/N: This chapter scared the absolute hell out of me. It's weird how I've seen plenty of Imouto pursuing Kyon, but almost no Kyon seeking her. I guess he's just a saint or too squeamish.**

**Next chapter is for two of my favorite peeps! **

**-Gets shot for trying to sound like a gangster-**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	67. GWAR and Genderbending

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Written for my bud, ObsidianWarrior. Before any of you guys read this, you might want to go to Wikipedia and read a bit about GWAR. Go ahead. I'll wait.**

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**See. Weren't those costumes weird? I'll list the songs at the end. Also, I included a genderbent short for my other buddy, Akai-Kurenai (welcome back!), because I've been neglecting the genderbents way too much. I promise to do more about them in the future. Now, without further ado, IT'S TIME TO RAWK!!!**

* * *

**The Melancholy of GWARui Suzumiya:**

Ever since Haruhi had watched the band called GWAR perform a concert on YouTube, she had become pretty obsessed with them as of late. Kyon wondered why in the name of god (heh) would Haruhi become interested in such a violent, obscene, and robust band.

"Haruhi, why do you find this GWAR band so interesting?" he asked her after a club meeting.

"Because, Kyon, they dress up in such interesting costumes! They look so alien! And their lyrics are an affront to society! MEAT SANDWHICH!!!" she hollered at him.

He didn't talk to her anymore about GWAR after that.

But when Haruhi began to hum some of their songs during both class and club times for an entire week, Kyon decided that something had to be done. So the straight-man collaborated with a certain smiling esper and fanged heiress to find a way to arrange a trip to a GWAR concert. Luckily, one was available in America in California. Kyon presented this to Haruhi in the next meeting with expected results.

"Excellent work, Kyon! That's just the kind of good work I expect from my subordinates! 800 points awarded to you!" congratulated Haruhi. Kyon just smiled smugly, enjoying the slight scowl on Itsuki's face at not receiving any credit in the endeavor.

"And don't you worry about a thing, Haruhi! I already gots us the tickets and we're all set! We're gonna be taking my family's private jet! It'll be megas awesome!" laughed Tsuruya.

"Ohhh, America! I've always kinda wanted to go there one day! ...But none of us can speak any English..." pointed out Mikuru, looking very unsure.

"Actually, I know how to speak English," assured Itsuki in an effort to appeal to his beloved goddess.

"As do I," chimed in Yuki.

"Fantastic!" said Haruhi, smiling gleefully, "We're going to America! Make sure to spread the influence of the SOS Brigade while you're there!"

"Uh... Sure, Haruhi," lied Kyon.

Somewhere, a certain newly-elected president shuddered.

***

**One Jet-lag-induced Ride Later...**

***

After getting lost at the airport for two hours, waiting half an hour for the car Tsuruya arranged for them to go in, and an incident involving Mikuru and Yuki temporarily being sold to a Columbian drug lord, the gang had made it to the stadium where GWAR was playing. The whole Brigade and Tsuruya were wearing all black everyday clothing. Since one of the policies forbade showing a lot of skin, it gave Haruhi a reason not to dress Mikuru up like a groupie. Something the red-head was very happy about.

"C'mon, slowpokes! We're gonna be stuck at the back of the whole line!" whined Haruhi as they hurriedly walked through the parking lot. A long line was already curling around the circular building the event was being hosted in.

Already a few of the fans waiting in line were playing some of their favorite songs from nearby radios and speakers. Haruhi was humming one of them out loud.

"_The shadows of your long dead brothers... And all the mutilated others... Who died in waves, uniform... To appease your bloodied hulking form..._" Haruhi sang cheerily, creeping out Mikuru and Kyon in the process.

The others didn't seem to mind at all- Itsuki just kept on smiling as always, Tsuruya was laughing at some of the weird hairstyles some of the fans were sporting (despite the fact that her own hair was pretty weird), and Yuki was reading War of the Worlds. When they did get to the line, Yuki estimated that they would have to wait at least an hour to get in. Haruhi didn't take it too well at first.

"SON OF A MOTHER-"

See? It took the combined efforts of Kyon and Itsuki to calm her down and make sure she didn't punch out a security guard or blow up the world again. Kyon was pretty darn bored out of his mind, so he decided to find something to occupy himself with. He didn't really feel like talking to Haruhi or Itsuki at the moment, Yuki was reading still, so he decided to kill some time by talking to Mikuru and Tsuruya. The trio tried to entertain themselves by playing with Pokémon cards, word games, I Spy, and other dumb things. Just as they were about to begin a rousing chorus of "I Know a Song That Gets on Everybody's Nerves", Haruhi let out a squeal.

"We're up next! Tsuruya get the tickets! We're about to get a dose of rock and darkness!" grinned Haruhi. Mikuru whimpered. Tsuruya bounced up to the dark-haired woman at the turnstile and handed her six tickets.

"Here ya go!" chirped the lovable enigma with the forest-green hair.

The woman turned over the tickets in her hand took a close look at them and frowned. "Sorry. Nice try, but no dice."

"What are you talking about?" Haruhi asked, a slight twitch in her eye.

"These ain't tickets to GWAR, sweetheart."

"HUH?!?!"

Haruhi swiped the tickets away and stared at them. Then she glared at Tsuruya with a burning rage.

"TSURUYA, YOU IDIOT!!! THESE AREN'T GWAR TICKETS!!!" the goddess howled.

"Huh? Really?" The genki girl took the tickets and gave them a once-over. "Oops."

"What are they?" Itsuki asked, looking over Tsuruya's shoulder. Kyon, Yuki, and Mikuru followed suit.

"These are tickets to a Miley Cyrus concert!!" Haruhi spat. "Not only that, but the stupid concert was last week!!"

"Oh, well!" laughed Tsuruya, "Looks I made a tiny little goof-up! Ha ha ha ha ha- GURK!!!"

Tsuruya's 'GURK' happened when Haruhi wrapped all ten of her rage-induced fingers around her throat and started to squeeze. Mikuru screamed, while Kyon and Itsuki grabbed their Brigade Chief and pulled her away. Yuki just read.

"I can't believe this! I'm missing out on GWAR! I wanted to meet them! Who knows... one of them could have an alien!" cried Haruhi, very close to spilling tears. "AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, KYON!!!"

"MY FAULT?! How is this any of my fault?" Kyon asked incredulously.

"If you had kept an eye on the green dork, none of this would have happened!"

"Hey! I 'm no dork, nyoro! And I have a plan to gets us into that concert! Watch this!" spoke Tsuruya, walking back towards their car in the parking lot. She returned moments later, wearing a blue uniform over her black shirt, a gold badge on the chest, and a pair of handcuffs in hand.

"What are you up to, Tsuruya?" Itsuki spoke with a hint of suspicion. Everyone else wondered the same thing.

"Glad you asked, Koizumi! See that guy over there?" asked Tsuruya, pointing to a shady-looking guy in a leather jacket, who was talking to a group of people in line.

"Yes. I do."

"That man is a scalper."

"A scalper?"

"Yup! They go around concerts and important places with tickets and sell them to people who can't get in. Only the ticket costs are megas higher!"

"I see. So... why the uniform get-up?"

"Heh heh... Watch this!"

The gang watched as Tsuruya went up to the man and led him away by the arm. Two minutes later, Tsuruya came skipping back with several tickets in hand.

"You got the tickets!" exclaimed Mikuru.

"How did you pull it off?" Haruhi asked in wonder.

"Easy! I just told him I was a security guard!" smiled Tsuruya.

"YOU STOLE THEM?!" Kyon cried in disbelief.

"Uh-huh!"

"Where is the scalper?" asked Itsuki.

"I handcuffed him to a Port-A-Potty! I'm not that cruel! Now let's go rock out to some tunes!"

"......" said Yuki.

"Well done, Tsuruya! I knew I could always count on you!" beamed Haruhi, completely forgetting that she tried to kill her so-called friend a few minutes ago. The crew forked over their tickets and made their way inside. It was a huge auditorium where everyone was standing. The SOS Brigade picked out a spot to wait for the show to begin.

"I think I'll go get a water bottle," said Itsuki as he sauntered off through the crowd.

A moment later, the six members of GWAR stepped on stage. Kyon had to admit, the costumes looked pretty impressive. They were dressed as a myriad of monsters, demons, and aliens with some props. Among them were a huge red devil, a beartrap-shark creature, a Roman gladiator, a lizard-man with dinosaur-head shoulder pads, a dog-like beast with a giant hammer, and what appeared to be a pimp from outer space. Kyon had to admit, the suits looked pretty realistic. A few songs were played, but he didn't really get into any of them. Looking around, he spotted Haruhi and Tsuruya headbanging, some people in a mosh pit trying to push down Yuki (and failing- she was like a rock), and Itsuki coming back with his water.

"What's wrong?" he asked, noticing the dark look on the esper's face.

"It's twelve dollars for a bottle of water! What a rip-off! And look, Kyon! I'm pretty sure this thing has its own ecosystem in it! And- hey, where's Miss Asahina?" asked Itsuki, breaking off on his tirade.

Kyon froze and looked around. No sign of the red-head. Freaking out, he raced over to Haruhi and tapped her on the shoulder, while she was in the middle of singing.

"_Fishfuck, baby! Gonna fuck you with a fish! Gonna take a river carp and ram it up your bu-_ What is it Kyon?" Haruhi responded with a glare.

"Miss Asahina is missing!" Kyon said urgently.

"She is?! Okay, guys, don't panic. Mikuru isn't the kind of girl to just wander off on her own. Maybe she went to get a snack or go to the bathroom..."

Yuki raised a hand and pointed at the stage. "There."

The gang followed Yuki's finger and gasped. Mikuru was standing next to the band on stage. The members of GWAR were either ignoring her or didn't know she was up there at all. Mikuru was walking in small circles and wringing her hands together, Every time she tried to get off the stage, she jumped away from the screaming fans in the mosh pit. She looked terrified.

"They passed her over like a beachball," droned Yuki.

"Wow! Mikuru's part of the show! Go, Mikuru!" Tsuruya cheered, oblivious to her friend's fear.

"Great. Hang on, Mikuru! We're coming to get you!" shouted Haruhi over the music, already charging towards the stage.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR... never mind..." muttered Kyon as he and everyone else followed Haruhi. The brunette approached the stage, slipped under the velvet rope used to keep out the hardcore fans, and climbed up.

"Oh, thank goodness you're here! They just grabbed me and threw me up here! People keep wanting to touch me and take off my shirt!" cried Mikuru, burying her head into the nape of Kyon's neck.

"They did?! Hey! Leave her alone, you assholes!" Kyon shook a fist from his place next to Yuki.

"SOMEBODY GET THAT TWELVE-YEAR OLD BOY WITH PURPLE HAIR AND HER UGLY MOM OFF THE STAGE!!!" yelled some intoxicated woman.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU WHORE?!!" barked Kyon.

"...?" said Yuki.

"What should we do, Miss Suzumiya? ...Miss Suzumiya?" asked Itsuki.

Haruhi wasn't even listening to him. Instead, Haruhi zoomed up to the devil and the Roman warrior and started talking to them. The band stopped playing, wondering what was going on.

"Hey, guys!!! I'm Haruhi Suzumiya!!! We're all the way from Japan!!! I love your work!!!" gushed Haruhi like a teary-eyed fangirl, completely forgetting that she was speaking in her native tongue and that none of them could understand her.

"Uhhhh... Hi?" Oderus Urungus said unsurely, wondering who this crazy Japanese girl was.

"Nice to meet ya?" replied Beefcake the Mighty, who was quite sure that he had never met or slept with any of these people.

Kyon facepalmed as Haruhi continued to talk about her favorite songs while Yuki translated quickly for her.

_Can't we go anywhere without her embarrassing us? This is worse than that time at Pizza Hut... _facepalmed Kyon.

"HEY!!! THERE ARE THOSE SNOT-NOSED BASTARDS!!!" roared a voice in the audience.

Snapping out of his internal monologue, Kyon looked in the voice's direction and his jaw dropped. Charging through the mass of spectators was a man in a leather jacket followed by a gang of six rough-necks. Most noticeable was the fact that the lead guy was dragging a Port-A-Potty door attached to his wrist by a handcuff.

"Haruhi, we have a problem!" Kyon tapped on the brunette's shoulder while she was trying to explain her life's goals to the confused fans on the microphone she'd snatched.

"What is it, Kyon?! I'm busy here! Whatever it is can wait!" Haruhi snarled at him.

"It's important!!"

"What could be more important than spreading word of the SOS Brigade throughout America?"

"Oh, I don't know... maybe the ANGRY SCALPER AND HIS FRIENDS WHO ARE GOING TO KILL US?!!"

"Oh. That _does _sound important."

The oncoming thugs ran on stage and lunged at them, but Yuki and Tsuruya were faster. The duo quickly picked up the velvet rope lying on the stage and rushed forward. Before you could say "Shit Waffles!", the gang of toughs tripped and stumbled forward. They collapsed in a heap in front of the supernatural kids, the scene causing Mikuru to take a step back and bump against a speaker. It wobbled dangerously. Seeing this as a chance to save the day, Haruhi took action and rearranged it in its proper place.

"There! Good as new!" she smiled, giving it an affectionate pat. Unfortunately, this made the speaker fall down, creating a domino effect that smashed every other speaker next to it. A long, disturbing, awkward silence fell over the room.

"......." said Haruhi.

"......." said Kyon.

"......." said Mikuru.

"......." said Yuki.

"......." said Itsuki.

"......." said the scalpers.

"......." said Oderus Urungus.

"......." said Beefcake the Mighty.

"......." said the reader.

"......." said superstarultra

"Uh-oh, Spaghetti-Os!" said Tsuruya.

"Let's kill 'em and then skull-fuck 'em!" said a random drunk guy.

"Yeah!!" said the audience.

"Oh, crap," Kyon and Haruhi said in unison.

A moment later, the six friends were bolting out of the stadium with several thousand angry people on their asses.

"Somehow I knew this would happen," mused Itsuki as they piled into their car.

"And yet, you did nothing," deadpanned Yuki as the driver sped off to escape the mob. "You suck."

Everyone stared at Yuki in surprise.

"What? I picked up some new vocabulary, my bitches."

***

**Back in Japan...**

***

"Well, Haruhi?" asked Kyon as the two of them made their way through the halls of North High, "Do you still like GWAR?"

"I still think they're interesting, but I've thought about it, and decided that maybe it just isn't the right band for me," Haruhi said, twirling one of her ribbons. "Maybe I'll find something a bit easier on the nerves..."

Satisfied that he wouldn't be hearing anymore about bestiality, Kyon smiled and opened the clubroom door. Neither Haruhi or Kyon expected it to be occupied by someone they thought had transferred or died.

"Asakura? What are you doing here?" asked a baffled Haruhi, while Kyon stared in absolute horror.

Ryoko continued to smile happily, before withdrawing a small knife from behind her back. And before Kyon or Haruhi could say or do anything, the former Canadian transfer student began to sing.

_"Oh, Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna cut you up. I'm gonna kill you. Gotta bust you up. And I ain't gonna give you anything. And I am gonna track you down, I gue-"_

And before the blunette could finish, Kyon growled deeply, walked forward, and punched Ryoko right in the jaw. As she fell to the floor, Kyon picked up the Othello board from the table and brought it down on Ryoko's head repeatedly.

And Haruhi didn't even try to stop him.

* * *

**Kyonko is too Cute!:**

"C'mon! Put it on! You'll like it!"

"No! I don't want to!"

"What's going on?" demanded Kyonko, shutting the door behind her.

Right in front of her was Haruki attempting to coax Mitsuru into a... MAID OUTFIT?! While Kyonko struggled to comprehend the bizarre moment, Itsuko waved at her from the club table. Yuuki sat in his usual spot, buried in a sci-fi novel about man-eating plants called Triffids.

"Suzumiya has been attempting to get Asahina into that maid outfit for several minutes now," explained Itsuko as Kyonko took her seat.

"I see..." drawled the ponytailed girl, glancing over shoulder to observe the scene with morbid curiosity.

"Why won't you wear it, Mitsuru? The chicks will go wild for a guy like you in this! You'll look adorable!" shouted Haruki, attempting to pull the dress over Mitsuru's head.

"Please, Suzumiya! I don't want to wear this! It's embarrassing! I'll look so... weird!" complained the lovable time-traveler.

"No, you won't!"

"Yes, I will!"

From his chair, Yuuki watched the display with a dull interest. He wondered _why _females would find that sort of thing amusing.

_Unique, _he thought to himself over the red-head's screams.

Kyonko continued to watch Haruki harass Mitsuru for a few more seconds, before a slow rage built up within her. She couldn't allow this to go on. Something had to be done.

"Hey, Haruhki! I'll wear it," Kyonko said flatly.

The everyone stopped moving and stared at the girl who had just spoken.

"Really?" asked a shy Mitsuru.

"Why do you want to wear it?" Haruki asked, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"It's an outfit for girls. A GIRL should wear it," Kyonko said bluntly, grabbing the costume of the god's hands. If she could make Mitsuru's life just a little easier today, then she could sleep well tonight.

"I think it will fit Kyonko nicely. Don't you think so, Suzumiya?" inquired Itsuko, smiling her Cheshire Cat smile.

Haruki rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Fine, then. You can wear it. BUT... you have to let us judge you first! We'll wait outside, and once you're ready, come out into the hall. Then we'll vote to see if you get to wear it for the rest of the day!"

".....Sure."

"Excellent! Come, boys! Let's wait outside, while Kyonko strips!"

The three males began to file out of the room. Kyonko was about to remove her cardigan when she remembered something important.

"Koizumi?'

"Yes? Do you need some help?"

"I was going to ask you to leave."

"...Oh. That's no fun~."

AFTER Itsuko left the room, Kyonko changed into the maid uniform. It was a little snug in the hips, but it still fit. She walked over to the door and threw it open.

"Okay," she said with a spin to show it off, "How does it look on me? Pretty silly, huh? ....What the hell?"

Haruki and Mitsuru were lying flat on the ground. A quick pan to Yuuki showed that he was also in the same predicament, book still in hand. Blood poured from their nostrils and onto the floor, collecting sticky ruby puddles.

Kyonko sighed and turned to face Itsuko. "Can you believe how immature these guys are, Koizu-"

Itsuko was leaning against the wall, both hands clasped over her nose and face. Blood leaked out from between her fingers like a red waterfall. Soft giggles could be heard from her mouth.

"Sooo... cuuute... Sooo... cuuute..." Itsuko rasped between heavy breaths, her glazed, cloudy eyes locked onto Kyonko's body.

Kyonko's left eye twitched and she gritted her teeth in frustration. She hitched up her skirt, walked around the growing puddles, stepped over Haruki, Mitsuru, and Yuuki's bodies.

"YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF PERVERTS!!!" she yelled over her shoulder as she walked down the hall.

Like hell she would be changing anywhere near them...

* * *

**A/N: Songs: Meat Sandwhich, Gor Gor, Fishfuck, and Gonna Kill You. 0_o**

**Hope you liked this, ObsidianWarrior and Akai-Kurenai! Next chapter, I shall write the most requested subject on my poll! The SOS Brigade (and a few others) have one too many drinks as requested by Ruka-Pyon Puts Me In A Spin! Why does everyone want to see that, I wonder?**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	68. Pour Me a Glass, Would Ya?

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Written for Ruka-Pyon Puts Me In A Spin. Can't believe how many people wanted to see the characters drunk in my previous poll. Ryoko and Emiri are the main characters in this one, because A) I haven't given Ryoko enough screentime B) I adore Emiri, and C) When's the last time you ever read a fanfic where they were the main characters? **

**Credit goes to BKE for some of the bar jokes he sent me. And I threw in a reference to JonBob0008's fic "Meet the Suzumiyas" on a certain theory...**

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**The Bender of Ryoko Asakura:**

Ryoko stared into the glass filled with ginger liquid, took a sip, in her hands and sighed. Of all the Friday nights she'd spent as an Organic Life Contact-Purpose Humanoid Interface, this had to be one of the worst. Perhaps joining the SOS Brigade to observe Haruhi more closely had been a bad idea. From the chair she was sitting in, a second chair pulled up next to her with a body plopping into it shortly after.

"What's the matter? Why so blue? Heh..... blue..." snickered a voice with a slight drawl in it.

Sighing, Ryoko turned to her left to see the slightly pink visage of Emiri hovering a few inches away from her shoulder. Emiri had followed her lead and also joined to keep an eye on her and Yuki. The always well-groomed student wasn't looking so well-groomed anymore: her pastel green hair was in tangles with one side with still being hung up by a red hairclip, her eyes were an even duller shade of green, and the yellow blouse she'd was wearing had a brown stain from who knows what. A cup of vodka was in her hand.

Ryoko looked at the drunk alien beside her and said, "Kimidori, there are plenty of things I wish to do on a Friday night at home. This..." she pointed a finger at the other side of the room, "is not one of them."

Across from the table they were at was an odd sight. The various members of the SOS Brigade were in various states of intoxication. Where were they? Tsuruya's living room. Why? To have a good time before they had to go back to school from Golden Week. What had they been doing for the past two hours? Watching T.V. and playing board games.

Oh, and drinking. Haruhi had lifted her ban on drinking and brought some imported beer and sake. And Tsuruya played the part of gracious hostess and opened up her mom and dad's liquor cabinet. Ryoko and Emiri never drank before, so they just sat around and watched the antics of everyone else.

Haruhi's behavior hadn't changed at all; the only difference was in her speech, which seemed to be deteriorating at a fast pace. Kyon had refused to drink at first because of some ban Haruhi had made, but then she and an all too eager Itsuki forced him to. Now he was on the floor, a beer can in one hand, and a giant smile on his face.

"Leave me alone, Snaggle-tooth!" growled a cute voice.

"Not until ya tell me, ya loves me!" begged a voice with a lisp.

Seated together on the room's comfy couch was Tsuruya and Mikuru, though you couldn't tell it was them at first. The docile Mikuru hadn't wanted to drink at first, but gave into Haruhi's badgering. Now she was sitting down with a hateful glare on her face and a scowl on her lips after downing five drinks. It was like an attractive version of Fujiwara's sneer. Tugging on Mikuru's sleeve was Tsuruya. Her personality had done a 180, and now she was crying her eyes out, tears spilling over her flushed cheeks. This highly contrasted to her usual cheery- happy-go-lucky self.

"Why don't ya love me, Mikuru? Did I hurts ya, nyoro? I am megas sorry!" she wailed hysterically.

Mikuru's face switched to her rarely seen 'WTF?!' look as she stared at the moping genki-girl. "Will you leave me alone?! I'm tryin' ta drink here! Go bug Haruhi or Yuki!"

Tsuruya started sobbing louder into Mikuru's shoulder. "But, Mikuru! Why can't ya say ya love me back? Is it because I gots green hair? It's not mah fault! Blame an incident involin' green food coloring, candles, cheese, and furious masturbation, nyoro!"

"How the hell does that make any sense?!"

"I DON'T KNOOOW!!! WHY WON'T YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE?!!"

"WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!"

Ryoko tensed up and looked over Taniguchi and Kunikida, who were seated over at a small table in the corner. The two were engaged in a battle of quarters. Taniguchi appeared to be losing, taking a sip of cognac after his turn. He didn't seem to care, though.

"Well, Mr. Kunikida," hiccupped Taniguchi, "Looks like it's your tuuuuurrrrn."

The fair-haired boy wasn't used to so much alcohol in his system and seemed a bit droopy. He raised his quarter aimed at the glass and launched. He missed by a mile.

"Whoops. I missed."

"Time for another drink!"

"Hey. Wait, Taniguchi... That's not how ya play."

"Really?"

"Nope."

"How do ya play, then?"

"....................I don't know."

Both burst into childish giggles. Kunikida noticed his glass was empty and reached over to refill it with a nearby champagne bottle. Taniguchi noticed this and snickered.

"Champagne? That's such a sissy drink, Kunikida!" Taniguchi guffawed loudly.

"How come?" the soft-spoken boy inquired tiredly as his lecherous friend smiled widely and raised his own glass high into the air.

"REAL MEN DON'T DRINK CHAMPAGNE, REAL MEN DRINK COGNAC!" he boasted with a delirious grin.

"I see," Kunikida mused thoughtfully. He then proceeded to reach over, grab the champagne bottle, and smash it over the ladies man's head. It wasn't enough to break the bottle open, but it was enough to knock out Taniguchi, and send him to the floor.

"Heh," snickered Kunikida as he began to pocket the coins on the table, chug some champagne, and do an apple-flavored Jell-O shot. Taniguchi just gurgled and began snoring. Ryoko went back to her own drink, but before she could finish it and excuse herself from the party, a finger tapped her on the shoulder. And attached to that finger was the hand of...

"Hey, Ryoko! How ya doin'?" Haruhi asked, clearly buzzed. She was having a hard time standing up.

"Fine, I guess," Ryoko answered coolly, feeling a little freaked out when Haruhi's arm snaked around her shoulders and her face came closer.

"I got this great storie from when I waz a kid, see? I was around eleven, and my folks had a little gets-together wit sume friendz. I came down and I hadz me mah firhst sip of booze. Hee! Wanna hear 'bout it?" Haruhi asked, pressing her face next to Ryoko's left cheek.

"No. I'd rather not," answered Ryoko dryly, scrunching up her nose in response to Haruhi's putrid breath.

"I'll tell ya, anywayz!" Haruhi said with a tispy smile. "…Soooo after I have a few too many drinkies, my dumb 'ol dad sez to me 'Put some cloz on, young ladah!' and I asks him 'How cum, pop?'. And then he tells me 'It is very inappropriate to walk around da howse naked! Do ya wanna be a whore when ya grow up?!'. And so I sez to him 'I'll do wat I want, cuz u knoh I'm da sexahest chick in town! Fuck you! Why is it so hawt in here?!!'. And so I ran outside and started rollin' on the grass, and then my mom had to spray me with ta hose and I'm all like 'Get offa me, biotch!'... And then I..."

Haruhi's eyes went back in her head as she tumbled off her chair and onto the floor. She began giggling uncontrollably. Then she began to paw around the carpet.

"Now where did I puts my Rollo?" she asked herself.

Ryoko shuddered and shifted her gaze to the room's center. Now THIS was just embarrassing.

Itsuki Koizumi never got drunk. But this was one of the few times when he did. As soon as alcohol entered his veins, Itsuki became a completely different esper. The 'real' him was able to escape his bonds and greet the outside world. And when he broke free, he drank even more.

And when he got drunk, he ranted.

"YA KNOW WHAT, GUYS? I HAVE THIS THEORY," Itsuki said in an extremely loud voice as he walked around the room's middle in a circle. "WHO WANTS TA HEAR IT?"

"I do! I do! I do!" squealed Kyon, hands clasped around another full can. "Tell me! Tell me! TELL ME!"

"SILENCE, COMRADE. SIT DOWN AND I SHALL TELL YOU A TALE," thundered Itsuki, waving his arms dramatically. Kyon scooted towards Itsuki on his butt like a four-year old and looked up expectedly. Apparently, Kyon became quite eager to listen to anybody when he was drunk. Heck, a few minutes ago, he and Taniguchi were swapping stories and laughing (something he would NEVER do, while sober).

"NOW, THEN... MY THEORY IS THIS!" Itsuki said, voice dripping with unadulterated hamminess. "YOU SEE, DEEP INSIDE EVERYONE'S HEAD IS A BUNCHA PARALLEL UNIVERSES. WHEN YA PICTURE SOMETHIN' IN YOUR HEAD, YOU'RE REALLY LOOKIN' INTA ANOTHER UNIVERSE!!! YOUR IMAGINATION IS REALLY REAL!!!"

"Wow!" said an easily-impressed Kyon, "That's a really smart theory, Koizumi! So that means all cartoons and T.V. shows are real?"

"YUP."

"WOW!!! So that means every time I think about having sex with a made-up character, I'm _really _doing them?!"

"UH-HUH!"

"Cool! I guess that means I had sex with Laura Croft when I was nine! I'm a slut! Hee hee!"

Then Kyon stopped laughing and spewed all over the rug. Ryoko had to admit, that sounded like a pretty fascinating theory. Itsuki chuckled good-naturedly and looked over the nearby duo of Mikuru and Tsuruya. The genki girl was still weeping and the maid was glaring balefully at the esper in front of her.

"WELL, ASAHINA? WHAT DO YA THINK? PRETTY COOL THOUGHT, HUH?" slurred Itsuki.

"I think..." Mikuru stood up shakily, chugged some sake, and jabbed him straight in the chest with her left index finger, "that is without a doubt, the most boneheaded piece of crap to ever come spiraling out of the shitty black hole that is your mouth. I mean of all the dumbass things you've ever said, I mean WOW. It's like you swallow an encyclopedia before you come to every meeting. I never say anything half the time, because I have to be all _'cute and sweet' _for that giant bitch over there..."

She pointed at Haruhi, who was on the floor, butt raised high into the air, searching under the couch, and mumbling about lost Rollos.

"...But now I don't care anymore. Itsuki Koizumi, you are the biggest, fattest, most pretentious, stuffiest, creepiest, sack of crap I have ever met! Holy shit! NOW, CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK THE TYLENOL IS???!!!"

And Mikuru fell to the floor, drink spilling out of her hand. Itsuki and everybody else stared at her prone body for a few seconds.

"Golly, that wasn't very nice," Itsuki finally said.

"Oh, somebody, please kill me," muttered Ryoko.

"I'd do it. But for some reason, I can see eight of you..." mumbled Emiri, swaying in her seat. "Oh! Hey ya, Nagato! Back from the bathroom?"

Ryoko turned to her right, and was instantly startled by the sight of Yuki sitting next to her, head in her hands, and cheeks a rosy hue. Her topaz eyes were murky, like the bottom of a riverbed. How long had she'd been there anyways? Yuki had been downing drinks all night, from classic beer to an old bottle of tequila, and showed no signs of stopping. It was interesting for Ryoko and Emiri to watch Yuki's face get pinker as time went by. Yuki hadn't thought she could get drunk on liquor with her advanced body, but her system was fighting a losing battle. An alien drinking excessively was the same as pouring a whole liter of scotch onto a laptop: nothing good ever came of it.

"Are you okay, Nagato? You were in the bathroom for an hour," Ryoko commented, reaching over to prop up Yuki's head.

"I am............ fine," Yuki wiped her nose with the back of her left hand and pointed straight ahead. "But I believe we are in great danger."

Ryoko raised a cerulean eyebrow. "Danger? Of what?"

"Those strange-looking data-lifeforms over there," Yuki kept pointing at the normal-looking wall. "Can't you see them?"

"Nagato, I don't see a thing!"

"But... But... But..."

And Yuki fell off of her stool. She lay on her back, arms to the side, making weird gurgling sounds in her mouth. Both Emiri and Ryoko stared down at her sleeping form.

"Pink elephants..." she finally said.

"Heh... Lightweight," giggled Emiri, reaching over to steal Yuki's unfinished glass. She slurped up the clear liquid inside, and smacked her lips. Ryoko imitated Kyon by doing a... you know what? I'm not even going to say it. You all should know by now.

"It's time like these, that I wonder why I didn't join Sasaki's friends," she groaned.

"Oh, yeah, Sasaki! Wonder what Ms. Buzzkill and the chill-pill bunch are doing? Something evil, I bet!" remarked the girl with the hairclips.

***

**At Sasaki's House...**

***

Sasaki sat upon the couch in her living room, a zoned-out look replacing the normally stoic expression she usually wore. At her sides, sat Kyouko and Fujiwara. The esper and time-traveler looked the same way, too. All three held beer bottles in their hands.

"My head hurts..." moaned Sasaki.

"My stomach feels all burny..." grunted Kyouko, letting out a sour burp.

"My ears ache..." gagged Fujiwara.

Sasaki turned to him and said, "Can you even _feel _your ears?"

"I have no idea. But at least I don't have to listen to your boring-ass lessons on philosophy," cackled Fujiwara lightly.

"I'm not boring..." Sasaki sounded a bit hurt.

"You kinda are. I don't wanna be rude, Sasaki, but you could make Dr. Phil sweat!" chuckled Kyouko.

"I may be boring, but at least I don't give out speeches on dumb religions and gay free will," smirked Sasaki, looking rather pleased at the frowns on the faces of her friends.

"Heeeeeeeeeey..." they both said in unison.

In the center of the room in front of them was the room's fourth occupant. Kuyou was drunk as well, but her primitive programming forced her to skip all of the common stages associated with drinking. Instead of slowing her down, Kuyou was acting as though she had devoured an entire field full of sugar cane. And what was she doing now?

Break-dancing on Sasaki's Dance-Dance Revolution game.

"Awwwwwwww... Look at Kuyou dance!" squealed Kyouko. "She's so cute when she busts a move!"

"Uh-huh," drawled Sasaki and Fujiwara.

It was true. Kuyou was a literal tornado of black hair, and jamming out to the tune of "Waka Laka". Her current score was now 9,999,999,999.

"___Waka Laka's___a thing to play___forever.___Just to be___together.___Just to___be together,___" the latter line was sung by Kuyou in a deep, baritone voice, before switching back to her softer, feminine voice. "__Waka Laka's a____place to be forever.___Waka Laka love______and fantasy.__"

"So, guys.... Wanna fuck, before Sasaki's parents come back home?" Fujiwara asked in a haze.

Kyouko and Sasaki stared at Fujiwara for a bit, then they proceeded to vomit all over his pants legs and shoes. The pig-tailed blond collapsed on the false goddess' lap a second later, while Sasaki herself plopped onto Kyouko's back. Following that, Fujiwara threw up on Kyouko's hair and Sasaki's left shoulder, before he himself slumped forward onto the pile of bottles on the floor.

Kuyou remained oblivious, and just kept shaking what her momma gave her.

***

**Back at Tsuruya's...**

***

"Oh, dear, lord..." Ryoko's blue eyes widened in terror. Taniguchi had woken up a moment ago, and he had gone away for a few minutes, only to return with a microphone and a small radio-like device. This could only mean one thing...

"Hey, guys! Who's up for karaoke?!" he drunkenly inquired to the whole room.

"I am!" piped up Kunikida.

"I'll sing! I wanna show Mikuru how much she means to me, nyoro!" shouted Tsuruya, joining up with the two boys in the center of the living room. The trio then began a rather garbled version of "Friends Forever" by Vitamin C.

"_As_ _we go on, we remember, all the times we've, been together. As our lives change, from whatever, we will still be, FRIENDS FOREVER~..._" Kunikida, Tsuruya, and Taniguchi sang together. Itsuki snapped his fingers, Kyon clapped madly, and Haruhi started swinging her hips every which way to the terrible graduation song. From her place on the floor, Yuki began to sing her own song.

"_In a world without sound, I fluttered down.... I was...... snow...._" Yuki blinked a few times, before spitting up the curry she'd eaten earlier on the rug.

"Hey! I wanna sing somethin'! Move over!" A newly-revitalized Mikuru elbowed her way to the microphone.

Ryoko groaned and buried her face in her hands as Mikuru started a horrid version of "Dancing Queen", which sounded like a baby being beat with a seagull that had laryngitis. Emiri sidled up to her and pat her on the back.

"Cheer up, Asakura! You and I can sing a duet after them! I'm thinking something by Lazy Town..." Emiri mused.

"No, Kimidori. No singing. No offense, but you'd probably sound like someone raping a car alarm," spat Ryoko. "I just want to go home and sleep."

"With Kyon," Emiri murmured mysteriously.

Ryoko froze and slowly turned to face her superior. "....Excuse me?"

"Kyon. You and Kyon. Don't try and hide it from me, Asakura. I know allllllllll about your secret crush on him~," Emiri said with a wink.

"I do NOT like Kyon."

"Sure ya do."

"NO. I don't. How did your liquor-soaked brain even come up with that insane notion?"

"I've seen the signs. You talk about him constantly to Nagato, you look at him funny, you try to avoid sitting near him, and you get a little mad when Nagato gets near him."

Ryoko's right eye twitched spastically. "FIRST of all, you are nuts. The reason I act funny around Kyon is because he hates my guts. I tried to kill him, remember? Therefore, he's afraid to be anywhere near me. He didn't even want me to join the Brigade with you. And the only reason I get mad when Nagato goes near isn't out of jealousy. Oh, no. It's because I can't _stand _her being friends with such an inferior cretin. So, ha."

Happy that she had debunked her friend's theory, Ryoko decided to have victory sip of her fourth and probably final drink. Emiri frowned a bit, before a big smile settled itself on her face.

"Don't you worry, Asakura" Emiri said with a drunken laugh. "By the time I'm through here tonight, your sweet, little, blue pussy and his cock will be the best of friends, which, by the way to my knowledge, is MUCH BIGGER THAN KOIZUMI'S."

Ryoko's face turned an interesting shade of vermillion, her drink sprayed out of her mouth, and she instantly grabbed Emiri's head and brought it close to her own. "For shit's sake, Kimidori!! How could you even _say _such a thing?! I don't like Kyon at all! End of story! Now, sober up and stop talking crazy! You're starting to scare the hell out of me!"

"I'm just sayin' what we're thinkin'. And you won't have to worry about bein' such a tightass around Kyon anymore. I fixed that problem for you!"

"How?"

"I added a special ingredient to your drink, while you weren't looking!"

"W-W-What kind of ingredient, Kimidori?"

"Just a special program that'll help you loosen up! Ya know, make ya less of a stick the mud! I've been lacing all your drinks with it ever since your third glass!"

"WHAAAT?!?! How could you?! I... I... Is it hot in here or is it just me?"

***

**5 Minutes Later...**

***

"...and my name isn't even in the goddamned ending credits anymore!! Complete bullshit! Doesn't stuff like that just piss you off?!!?" Ryoko half-slurred, half-roared.

"Mmmhmm," agreed Emiri.

Ryoko was now thoroughly sauced thanks to Emiri's magic. She'd been slurping down enough drinks to rival Homer Simpson, but now she was gulping down some water, which she thought was vodka for some reason. Suddenly, Kyon sauntered over. Ryoko became noticeably flustered.

_OMG!!! He's coming right up to me!!! Okay... Play it cool, Ryoko... Play it cool... _she told herself.

"Hey, Asakura. Hey.... Tsuruya?" Kyon couldn't tell who the heck the green-haired chick was besides the former yandere was.

"Kimidori," Emiri helpfully put in.

"Oh! Hiya! Whatchu, guys, doing?" rasped Kyon, not noticing the semi-conscious Yuki on the floor next to the seat he was now sitting in.

"Just having some drinks, sexy!" Ryoko sniggered, thinking she had just said something remotely clever. "You?"

"Nothing much... Hey, Asakura!"

"Yeah?"

"Your name is funny!"

"How... How is it funny?"

"Hee hee... 'Cause it sounds like 'ass' at the beginning! Look! Assssssssssssssakura... It's funny, 'cause you gots a nice ass!"

"...Really?"

"Yeah!"

"Kyon?"

"Huh?"

"You're a huge dumbass. And that's why I have to do this..."

Ryoko suddenly lunged at Kyon, knocking him off the chair. At first, it looked like she was trying to kill him again, but closer inspection showed that she was actually kissing him roughly. Kyon returned her sloppy affection as well, not knowing how badly this would look the next day. As Ryoko and Kyon passionately made out on the rug, Emiri took out her cell phone and snapped a picture of them.

"Heh heh heh... I'm so gonna put this in the yearbook..." she chortled to herself deviously.

Also watching the sight on the ground was none other than Haruhi. She watched with unblinking eyes as Ryoko bit Kyon on the shoulder, causing him to accidently yank her hair back with one of his hands. Haruhi wasn't sure what to do. Should she be angry? Sad? Happy? Stepping up to them, Haruhi decided to voice her opinion.

"Ryoko! Kyon! I-"

Haruhi glanced down and saw a small, black, cone-shaped object on the floor. So she picked it up. Her face broke out in a grin.

"HEY, GUYS!!! I FOUND MY ROLLO!!!" Haruhi cried joyously.

And a moment later, she ate it.

"HEY! DOES ANYONE WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER ONE OF MY THEORIES?!?!" grinned Itsuki like a maniac.

And then the ever-smiling Itsuki Koizumi was promptly hit in the head with a combat knife, an empty shot glass, a metal tea tray, a small white shoe with 'Yuki N.' written on it, a black pyramid-shaped paperweight, a red hairclip, a Playboy magazine, a Jell-O cup, and a wheel of smoked-cheese.

* * *

**A/N: Hooray for alcohol! I really wanted to write something with Ryoko in it. She was the first character in the series I liked. Maybe it was the hair... And yes, those random objects were pulled out of hammerspace. **

**I still need to work on Yuki messing with Endless Eight. Because everyone was dying to see it. Expect a Christmas fic soon. Think of it as my present to everyone who has reviewed or favorited this mess. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	69. All Work and No Play

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Written for OveractiveMind. A lot of people wanted to see this and I don't blame them. Endless Eight sucked more than a starving lamprey. And just you all know, I'm using the anime's timeline, not the light novel's. This occurs after the reveal in the 15,498th loop. Just wanted to clarify that. Here's to evil OOC Yuki! **

* * *

**Yuki's Timeless Vacation:**

15,000 times...

Over 500 years of her life gone...

Yuki sat in her small apartment pondering over today's events. Haruhi's willingness to repeat summer vacation was beginning to wear down her nerves. Today she had revealed the existence of the time loop to her friends. Today was the end of the 15,507th loop.

Surely they could resolve this problem after a bit of detective work.

...That's exactly what she told herself several loops ago.

"What's taking these idiots so long to figure it out?" Yuki growled to herself in rare completely out-of-character outburst( although, said outburst was in her plain, monotone voice). "Don't they understand that even I have my limits?"

The petite girl stopped over to her closet and threw it open. Several Pokémon and other various character masks tumbled out. Yuki looked down at the nearest one, a Turtwig, and kicked it across the floor. Her rage was justified; her superiors had said that she was made to observe and to observe only. She couldn't even solve the mystery of this time reversal herself! Did they _want _her to go insane?

"I'm so goddamned sick of masks... and cicadas... and goldfish... and pools... and fireworks... and movies... and cemeteries... and toad costumes," she muttered to herself, stomping on a Chimchar mask. She grabbed another mask and prepared to rip it in half until an idea popped into her head.

"Hmmmmm... No matter what happens in this time-frame, it will resolve itself in the next one..." Yuki mused to herself, setting down the Piplup mask in her hands.

She thought about it some more, mulling it over. Her superiors said she could only observe. There was nothing about what _else _she could do in her free time. That was it! Yuki Nagato got an idea! An awful idea! A wonderful idea! An awfully, wonderful idea!

"I think it's time I went on a small vacation..." Yuki said with an evil grin on her porcelain face...

***

**Loop 15,508**

***

"I'll start with something harmless..." Yuki said to herself as the group met up to go to the pool. The alien had cast her spell the moment she laid eyes on Haruhi. After all this whole was _her _fault. Let her be the first to suffer.

The effects of the incantation would take place anyone said the word "and".

"So, Miss Suzumiya," Itsuki, local esper and yes-man, asked curiously, "What summer activity shall we do first?"

"First on the list is a trip to the pool! Gotta cool off in this heat!" grinned Haruhi eagerly.

"I guess I could go for a swim," Kyon said dryly to no one in particular.

Yuki decided now was the time to enact her plan. "Miss Suzumiya? Will we have enough time to go swimming **and **do another activity?"

Haruhi opened her mouth to answer, but stopped suddenly. A rather odd look came across her face. Her cheeks became flushed.

"GUH! ...Uh, I mean... We'll be doing something for tomorrow, Yuki! It'll be more fun that way!" Haruhi answered with a slight strain in her voice.

"Well, let's get going then," said Kyon. "I feel all hot and sweaty."

"ULP!!!"

"Something wrong, Haruhi?"

"NO! Everything is just peachy..."

Haruhi's face was sweaty and her arms and legs were shaking. She looked like she had malaria.

"Is Miss Suzumiya okay?" asked Mikuru.

"Let's get her to the pool. She must be really tired from all the heat and school," concluded Itsuki.

Haruhi's eyes opened and she let out a loud moan. Kyon, Mikuru, and Itsuki raised an eyebrow. Haruhi noticed this.

"I'M FINE!!! I'M FINE AND DAND- Ooooooohhhh!!!"

"Haruhi, what's going on?! Are you having a seizure?!" Kyon said aloud.

"NOPE. NOTHING IS WRONG. I'M OKAY. LET'S GO SWIMMING!" Haruhi managed to finish her high-pitched sentence with a choke.

The group began their way to the pool. Yuki looked over her shoulder to Haruhi lagging behind them. Her left hand was in front of her crotch and some sort of stain could be seen there. She looked miserable. Served her right.

"Miss Suzumiya? Did we bring sunblock? And extra towels? And an inner-tube? And spare swimsuits? And-" Before Yuki could finish, Haruhi let out a series of shrieks and tore off screaming towards her own house. She yelled something about meeting them later and getting a new pair of underwear. The others were completely bamboozled.

Yuki, however, flashed a sickle-like grin the moment no one was looking. The next two weeks were normal for everyone else, but hell on Haruhi's body. And no one knew but Yuki. She had to chuckle a bit.

Who knew that someone as eccentric as Haruhi would be so easily embarrassed about having multiple orgasms in public?

***

**Loop 15,511**

***

Yuki picked Itsuki and Mikuru as her next targets to mess with. She never did like either of them that much. Like with Haruhi, she altered their brains to respond to a certain word. The words this time were their own names. She activated it as they met together to wear the toad costumes.

"All right! Who wants to go out and advertise first?" asked Haruhi, holding the giant green head in her hands.

"Not me," Kyon scrunched up his face at the thought of looking like a power-up from Super Mario.

"I would enjoy wearing it, Miss Suzumiya," said Itsuki, laying it on thick.

Haruhi smirked. "See, Kyon? Koizumi's being a team player! Why can't you be more like h-"

_SMACK!!!_

"OWWW!!!"

Everyone's jaws dropped. Could it be possible? Kyon couldn't believe. And from the look on his face, neither could Itsuki.

The esper had just bitch-slapped Haruhi Suzumiya.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, KOIZUMI?!?!" Haruhi demanded only to get smacked upside the head again.

Itsuki was horrified beyond belief; his face looked as though he had just witnessed Mikuru shoving razorblades down Imouto's throat. "M-M-M-Miss S-S-S-Suzumiya!!! I-I-I don't know what came over me!!!"

"Why did you do that, Koizumi?! Are you insa-?!!" shouted Kyon, not quick enough to dodge the next slap.

_SMACK!!!_

"OWWW!!!"

"SORRY!!!"

"STOP HITTING PEOPLE, KOIZUMI!!! AS YOUR BRIGADE CH-"

_SMACK!!!_

"YOU ASSHOLE!!!"

"MISS SUZUMIYA, PLEASE!!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO-"

_**PUNCH!!!**_

"My, this is very peculiar. What do you think, Asahina?" Yuki inquired nonchalantly as Itsuki lay on the floor. Mikuru opened her mouth to answer, but stopped suddenly. An unreadable expression appeared on her face as she stood up from her chair. Pointing straight at Kyon, she loudly proclaimed...

"KYON...... I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!!! TAKE ME RIGHT HERE ON THIS TABLE, SO WE CAN HAVE UBER-HOT-STEAMY-WILD-CRAZY-MONKEY-JUNGLE-SEX RIGHT NOW, YOU BEASTLY STALLION!!!"

"EXCUSE ME?!?!" Kyon, Haruhi, and Itsuki said in unison.

Needless to say, the rest of summer was pretty damn awkward.

***

**Loop 15,515**

***

"Say, Yuki," Haruhi asked as the two of them sat in Yuki's apartment, "Why did you invite just me to your apartment. Why not the others?"

"I thought you and I should get to know one another better," Yuki said quietly as she poured the tea into Haruhi's cup.

"Well, that seems fair!" Haruhi chugged her drink quickly, only to blink in confusion. "Hey, Yuki! I think something's wrong with your tea..."

"Like what?"

"It tastes kind of funky."

"That's because of the sleeping drugs I placed into it."

Haruhi froze. Then Yuki smiled and started laughing. Haruhi smiled too and began to laugh as well. The two friends laughed for many seconds. Then Haruhi's eyes rolled into the back of her head and she fell to the floor. Yuki smiled deviously and slithered over to her prone form.

"Now let's see if you're as good as Miss Asahina..." she said softly as she began to unzip Haruhi's shorts...

***

**Loop 15,519**

***

"Thanks for the ice-cream, Haruhi," Kyon licked up the drops falling off the side of his strawberry cone.

"No problem!" smiled Haruhi, nibbling on a piece of banana from her banana split.

The gang had decided to spend the afternoon at Dairy Queen. Haruhi was already rummaging for her wallet to pay their tab. Yuki, however, held up a hand to stop her.

"Don't worry, I'll handle it," Yuki assured her.

"Uhh... Okay, Yuki."

But instead of getting out some money, Yuki pulled out a grey Fedora, placed it on her head at an angle, and walked up to the cashier. The Brigade was thoroughly confused. They grew from confused to frightened, when Yuki suddenly pulled a huge black Tommy gun out of nowhere and pointed it straight up into the air.

"Attention, ladies and gentlemen, but I am now looting this establishment. Please give me all of your money and valuables, see?"

"This chick is nuts!" exclaimed the cashier.

Yuki's reply was a hail of gun-fire.

***

**Loop 15,523**

***

"Hey, Nagato?"

"Yes, Kyon?"

"Isn't it weird how Haruhi, Asahina, and Koizumi gained all that weight yesterday?"

"Indeed."

"I mean they all went swimming looking completely normal and then BOOM! Flab city. Now, Haruhi won't go outside until they all lose their weight together. "

"Yes. It is odd. It's as if they each gained five pounds for every second they spent in the pool."

"....Nagato?"

"Hmmm?"

"Do you know something about this?"

"...No. Now let's just enjoy the rest of the Obon Festival together."

"Nagato? Are you... nuzzling me?"

***

**Loop 15,527**

***

"So, Yuki, are you enjoying your stay in our village?"

"Yes. I find the tranquility of this place quite relaxing. Is it always like this?"

"Kinda... when no one's dying a horrible death."

"Ah."

"Did you want to meet the others? We're gonna go catch some cicadas!"

"No thanks. I have to get back to my friends. I only have one day left to tell them where I've been in the past two weeks."

"Okay! Good luck with your time-loop!"

"You as well. Good-bye, Rika."

"Good-bye, Yuki! I'll tell Hanyuu you said bye! Nipah~!"

***

**Loop 15,530**

***

Feeling adventurous, Yuki withdrew her entire life savings, and took the whole Brigade to a strip club. It was pretty damn fun. Haruhi ripped off several G-strings with her teeth, Itsuki ate cake off some college-dropout's stomach, Mikuru got a lap-dance, and Kyon found out he had a thing for banana daiquiris. Yuki also discovered her talent for pole-dancing.

Trouble occurred, however, when a sauced-up Kyon tried to strangle an escort when she wouldn't 'go all the way'. He destroyed lots of property in the ensuing fight with her pimp, and as a result, the gang was forced to work as strippers.

Kyon and Itsuki's stage names were "The Charming, General Person" and "The Crimson Super Ball". Yuki and Haruhi on the other hand, moonlighted as the sexy tag-team of "Vanilla Lightning and Chocolate Thundah".

Mikuru just discovered her hidden talent for mixing drinks.

***

**Loop ?????**

***

Yuki whistled a jaunty tune as she got ready to go outside. She spent so many loops doing weird things she was beginning to lose track. From what she remembered, she and the Brigade had become NASCAR drivers, made out with the cast of Kanon (Fuko was such a freak!), crashed an AkuRoke and Zemyx convention, swapped bodies, had an orgy, went on a killing spree that ended in a bloody police standoff, ate a big sandwich, mooned the workers at Capcom studio, stole lotsa spaghetti from pesky plumbers, did every drug known to man, and planted bombs at the screening of the newest Twilight movie. The last thing was something about hypnosis and barnyard animals.

As she opened the door to wreak havoc once again, she was met with an unexpected sight.

"Morning, Nagato," Emiri Kimidori said icily.

Yuki froze. "Kimidori... What are you doing here...?"

"The loop has been resolved."

"I see. Well, then..."

There was a cough, and Yuki turned to see the elder Mikuru Asahina standing there.

"Greetings, Nagato," she said bitterly.

"Is there something you need?" Yuki asked, a trace of nervousness in her voice. Big Mikuru stepped aside, revealing Kyon. He looked very perplexed. The busty time-traveler then took a small bell out of her pocket and rang it. Kyon's eyes snapped open and he crouched down onto the floor on two knees.

"Cock-a-doodle-doo!" Kyon crowed like a rooster.

"We need to have a _long _talk..." Emiri said rather creepily.

Yuki blinked. And then she said a human phrase she had picked up that could best be used to describe her current situation.

"Crap."

* * *

**A/N: Ha ha, I am such an asshole. :P **

**Next up is my Christmas chapter! Ho ho ho and all that crap!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	70. Tsuruya and the Three Wise Aliens

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: AsterSelene and Akai-Kurenai, this is for both of you. **

**Another Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series parody. **

**Be nice and share now! **

**...Oh, there's also a few jokes about an SNL skit and Haruhi-chan at the beginning, but you don't really need to care about any of that. Enjoy the present, loyal readers and reviewers! Not to toot my own horn, but I think this is the best Christmas story yet. And that's not saying much.**

* * *

**The Super Special Awesome Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Abridged Christmas Carol Special!:**

_The camera turns on to reveal none other than Haruhi Suzumiya standing in front of it. She is wearing a Santa hat on her head and a wide smile on her lips. The four girls of the band ENOZ are behind her, singing a Christmas melody. Then Haruhi opens her mouth to talk._

_"Hello, everyone! Merry Christmas from me, Haruhi Suzumiya! And from the rest of the cast as well! We here in Japan wish you all a safe and supernatural Christmas!"_

_"And merry Christmas from us, the ENOZ girls!" the quartet behind Haruhi sings joyfully._

_"HEY! This is MY plug! Just smile, sing, and look pretty!" snarls Haruhi, not wanting to be upstaged. "Well, anyways, loyal readers and reviewers this Christmas chapter is brought to you by superstarultra, who couldn't be here today due to me hitting him upside the head with a blunt instrument given to me by a reviewer who shall remain nameless. So, I guess this chapter could be considered his payback! Ha ha ha ha ha ha..."_

_"When can we have a chapter?" asks Miyuki, the group's leader. "We haven't even appeared at all!"_

_"Yeah!" Takako, Mizuki, and Mai all yell in unison._

_Haruhi looks redder than her hat. "SHUT UP!!! You'll get your own parody eventually! Now shut up and sing me off! ...Oh! Once again, merry Christmas and a happy new year to you all! Ho ho ho, and watch out for Santa ninjas! And don't forget to watch my upcoming movie! I'll know if you don't! Don't make me and my pal, Jesus, bring Armageddon on you!"_

_"I thought Christmas was all about him?" Itsuki says, walking onscreen._

_"Oh, Koizumi!" giggles Haruhi, "You say the darndest things!"_

**Superstarultra Presents...**

**An Obligatory Clichéd Rip-offed Christmas Special**

**A Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Christmas Carol**

**Starring Tsuruya**

**Based on a Novel by Charles Dickens and a Parody by LittleKuriboh**

Christmas had just begun in the land of Japan. Snow was already blanketing the streets and decorations were being hung. And the SOS Brigade was taking a walk down Kyon's neighborhood, looking at the lights. Oh, yeah, Yuki was a ghost living inside Kyon's puzzle-necklace, and Haruhi discovered she was god awhile ago, but everything was still pretty peachy.

"Ahhhhh, Christmas! My favorite holiday! A season for lovers, gifts, coco, and Santa! Don't you think so, Kyon?" asked Haruhi, looking over at the aforementioned boy.

"Christmas is one of my favorite holidays," responded Kyon. "I think Nagato likes it too. Don't you?"

Yuki materialized out of Kyon's Millennium Puzzle and nodded vigorously. "Yes. I highly enjoy Christmas as well. Especially the cookies. But the turkey even more so. Mmmmmmm... Turkey."

As Yuki dripped a strain of ethereal drool, Itsuki began to reminisce about Christmas as well. "I love the holidays, too! It's the perfect time for romance and new beginnings!"

"Unlike last year!" Haruhi hissed venomously at the esper, who withered under her stare.

"What happened?" asked Mikuru, trotting alongside Haruhi.

"I'll tell ya what happened!!" roared Haruhi.

_****Flashback****_

_"Gee, Koizumi! It sure was nice of you to invite me over for this party on Christmas Eve!" Exclaimed Haruhi, taking a sip of her cup of coco. "But where is everyone else?"_

_"Actually Miss Suzumiya, I wanted it to just be the two of us..." Itsuki said shyly, causing Haruhi's face to turn reddish._

_"Oh? ....Well, why then?"_

_"So I could give you this..."_

_Itsuki then stepped out of his chair and revealed a large gift box held in front of his lap. Haruhi became noticeably excited._

_"Oh, thank you, Koizumi! What is it?" Haruhi asked like a happy child._

_"Something you'll really enjoy..." Itsuki smiled mysteriously._

_Haruhi eagerly popped the lid off the box and peered. The joyful smile disappeared in an instant. Now it made sense as to why Itsuki was holding the box in front of his lap. And why there was a small cut-out piece of the gift box shaped like a circle on the table. _

_"KOIZUMI!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!!?" Haruhi cried in disgust and horror._

_Itsuki smiled brightly and calmly said, "Don't you like it, Miss Suzumiya? It's my gift to you... My Dick-In-A-Box! Hope you're hungry!"_

_"HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A SICK THING, YOU FREAK?!?!"_

_"Well, I like you a lot. And this is what I want to give you the most."_

_"I'D RATHER TAKE AN I-POD THAN THIS, YOU SICKO!!!"_

_"Well, how about in return you give me a present? I sure would love your Rack-In-A-Box!"_

_And that's when Haruhi dumped her still-boiling coco onto Itsuki's little friend._

_****End Flashback****_

"I couldn't pee without being in pain for about a week after that..." Itsuki said sadly, a wince on his features. Kyon, Yuki, and Mikuru's faces were wide with surprise- obviously, none of them had ever heard _that _particular Christmas story before.

"You're lucky I allowed you to live after that. I'm friggin' god, remember?!" Haruhi snarled at the esper.

"So.... What's our agenda for Christmas, Haruhi?" Kyon asked, wanting to change the subject.

Haruhi's face changed in an instant, from angry to joyful. "Glad you asked, Kyon! The SOS Brigade shall celebrate a traditional Western Christmas! Just like we did that one time!"

"Didn't you turn Taniguchi into a giant Santa ninja last time?" Mikuru wondered aloud.

"Oh, yeah. That was awesome."

"Haruhi?" asked Kyon.

"Yeah?"

"How long have we been in high school to warrant ANOTHER Christmas party? And weren't we chibis last time?"

"I... guess..."

"And how many years have been in school anyway?"

"Hell if I know, I'm just winging it. Do you really want to question the sanity of our world?"

"...'Kay..."

"Tuuurrrkey~..." slobbered Yuki.

"See? Yuki's excited!" Haruhi pointed at the spectral bookworm. "It's settled! A traditional Western Christmas it is! We'll celebrate it in five days! Just like how my family celebrated it that one time..."

_****Flashback****_

_A small twelve-year old Haruhi was sitting on her bed with a miffed expression on her tiny face, when she suddenly looked up and screamed, "DAD!!!"_

_Oruki Suzumiya, who was currently on his way to the bathroom so he could lock himself in with his treasured Black Luster Soldier card for several hours, stopped in mid-stride, and peered into his daughter's room. "Yes, Haruhi?"_

_"Can I ask you something about Santa Claus?" young Haruhi asked from her bed._

_"Certainly. I was just on my way to make sure your mother wasn't on the roof looking for reindeer like last year. What about?" replied Oruki, quickly pocketing the card in his pocket._

_"Do you think Santa loves me?"_

_"Why of course he does!"_

_"Well, dad, maybe if Santa really loved me, he'd give me stuff for Christmas that wasn't trading cards!" Haruhi whined loudly, pointing at an enormous pile of cards beside her bed from past Christmases._

_"Maybe Santa is giving you these gifts because he loves you so much," Oruki smiled calmly, traces of sweat appearing on his forehead._

_"If he really loved me, then he'd get me a Playstation 3!"_

_"Maybe Santa just can't afford it right now..."_

_"Maybe Santa should get off his fat, lazy ass and get a job!"_

_"Maybe Santa just doesn't have the time and energy to get another job!"_

_"Oh, yeah?" sneered Haruhi , "Well, maybe Santa can go straight to hell for all I care!"_

_Oruki's eye twitched sporadically as he leaned forward and bellowed, "AND MAYBE SANTA WILL SEE YOU THERE AFTER HE'S SMOTHERED YOU IN YOUR SLEEP WITH A PILLOW!!!"_

_Haruhi's jaw dropped. Her father noticed this and backed down instantly. An awkward silence fell upon them. _

_"Well.............. pleasant dreams!" Oruki said quickly, dashing out of the room and shutting the door._

_Needless to say, Haruhi had a pretty hard time sleeping that night._

_****End Flashback****_

"Ahhhh, precious memories..." Haruhi sighed softly, wiping a tear from her eye.

"That sounds great, Miss Suzumiya! A party in the clubroom like last time!" squealed Mikuru.

"That's a great idea, Miss Asahina!" Itsuki said cheerfully. "We could all have a Secret Santa gift-giving event, have eggnog and cookies, and decorate a tree! What do you think, Kyon? ...Kyon?"

Kyon hadn't heard the esper. He was staring into space with a terrified look on his face. Kyon's friends leaned in close as he remembered the horrifying events of a Christmas from three years ago...

_****Flashback****_

_"Please, Imouto! Get down from the tree!"_

_"No! This stuff is all mine! MINE! The Whos down in Whoville can kiss my ass!"_

_"Have you been drinking the eggnog?! You're only eight! You know our uncle sometimes spikes it!"_

_"I sue did, ya big palooka! Now gimme mah presents!"_

_"I'm not giving you your present! Now get down from the tree before someone sees-"_

_"I'll give you this if you don't give me that, so GIMME!!!"_

_**CRASH!**_

_"Imouto! Stop throwing ornaments!"_

_"Never!!"_

_**CRASH!**_

_**FWOOSH!!!**_

_"MOM! DAD! IMOUTO SET THE TREE ON FIRE!!!"_

_****End Flashback****_

"My Hot Wheels..." Kyon moaned to himself, much to the confusion of his friends.

"Well, I guess Kyon's on board!" theorized Itsuki as frosty tears cascaded from the eyes of the menial tasks boy.

The party continued to walk down the street, until a familiar limousine pulled up alongside them. The window rolled down to reveal...

"Hey there, Gay Brigade!" guffawed a fanged-mouth beneath a head of green hair.

"Hello, Tsuruya..." Haruhi narrowed her eyes at the teen-billionaire.

"Hey, Tsuruya," Mikuru, Itsuki, and Kyon said in unison. Yuki simply nodded.

"Hello, everyone!" squeaked a voice in the driver's seat of the limo.

"Hey, Churuya," greeted Kyon.

"What are you doing, non-rich people?" smirked Tsuruya. Ever since Tsuruya's Duel Disk system had become more popular than the Nintendo Wii, she had become somewhat of, well...... a douche.

"We are celebrating Christmas," Haruhi answered nonchalantly. "The five of us are having a big party at the clubroom in a few days."

"Do you want to come?" asked Kyon. Haruhi's eyes widened at this. She obviously didn't want the genki girl over at her party.

"Yeah! Come to our party! It'll be really fun! Friends and parties are fun!" smiled Mikuru.

"Fun!" chirped Itsuki.

"Let me think about that. Hmmmmmm... NO!!! I am much too busy to attend your fruity little party!" yelled Tsuruya.

"But it's the Yuletide season," brought up Yuki.

Tsuruya turned towards Yuki (she was one of the few people who could see her) and sneered. "SCREW THE YULES, I HAVE MONEY!!!"

Haruhi went absolutely livid. "WHAT?! You came to our last one! What the hell?! And don't insult me, Tsuruya! I'm god, remember! I can make blood pour out of your plumbing!"

"I've gotten a lot wiser since last time, Haruhi. I've comes to realize that Christmas is a megas dumb holiday! All that caring and sharing makes my stomach churns, nyoro! It's all about the money, baby! My parents are gone for the holidays, and you don't see me complaining. That, and Santa is for babies! BAH-NYORO-BUG!!!" Tsuruya announced with all the charm and grace of a used-car salesman.

"He is not for babies!! I CAN MAKE HIM REAL, YOU KNOW!!! DON'T MAKE ME ZAP YOU INTO CHEESE-FLAVORED BITS, ASSHOLE!!!" roared Haruhi, pissed that someone would dare mock her beloved Santa.

"Come on, Tsuruya. Don't be so self-centered. Come and hang out at our party. We'll have eggnog, and cookies, and turkey, and Secret-Santa! It'll be great! Don't you want to hang out with your friends?" pleaded Kyon, hoping there was still the old Tsuruya still in their somewhere. Money had a weird affect on people.

"Well...." Tsuruya drawled.

Everyone leaned forward expectantly.

"NOPE! HA HA HA HA! Time to go! Gun the engine, Churuya!" cried the heiress, ducking back into the vehicle.

"You got it, sis!" yelled the chibi.

"Shut up, Churuya!"

"Nyoro~n."

The limo roared off down the street (and on the sidewalk), leaving the brigade choking on a cloud of black smog. The car zipped away, skidded over a puddle, and splashed the nearby ENOZ girls.

"W-W-Well, t-this i-i-is j-just a p-p-peachy c-cameo..." shivered Miyuki.

"Remind me why I can't just kill her or bankrupt her?" Haruhi growled through the smoke fumes.

"Because," gagged Kyon, "your powers don't work on that giant forehead of hers."

"Oh, right. Damn her Megas Reflect..."

***

**Later at Tsuruya's Mansion...**

***

After Churuya had crashed the limo into the garage, she and Tsuruya went indoors to warm up. Their parents had gone to Hawaii for a business conference, so they wouldn't be around for Christmas. Not that it mattered to Tsuruya. After yelling at the servants to make sure her presents were all under the tree, she made her made to her room to lie down, with a cup of coco in hand. Churuya went to watch T.V. in another room.

Both were unaware that something big, dramatic, and just plain unexpected was about to occur...

"Maybe I should have accepted Haruhi's invitation to enjoy their party..." she mused to herself as she made her way to her bed. Sitting down, she looked over at all the games stuff she owned, her flatscreen T.V., her tower of DVDs, and several toys and junk that lay scattered around the room. A half-smile made its way to her face.

"Ya know what? Forget about 'em! I don't need those losers! I gots my big house, my money, my megas piles of smoked-cheese, and my folks! ...Oh, and Churuya. I don't need dumb ol' Haruhi or those dummies!" Tsuruya said to herself, sitting down on her bed, and taking sip of her coco.

"Wow. That's a pretty selfish way of thinking, eh?" drawled a velveteen voice.

Tsuruya sprayed the hot chocolate out of her mouth and leapt from her bed. Spinning around, she saw that her previously empty bed wasn't so empty anymore.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!" she screamed on the verge of a heart-attack.

Lying there on her bed, head on her pillow, was a tall dark-skinned man dressed in a fancy military outfit. He had green slicked-back hair with a bluish tint to it, and an odd, orange, metallic eyepiece over his left eye. Tsuruya and the man stared at each other for a long time, until she recalled who he was. She'd seen this guy before.

"Orange-kun?" Tsuruya said quizzically.

"For the last time! I am **not **named 'Orange-kun'! I am Jeremiah FUCKING Gottwald!" hollered the pissed-off Geass Order Agent.

"Okaaaay..." Tsuruya took a cautious step back, "Uh, why are you in my room? I really hopes you're not here to molest me. A lot of fans usually don't makes it past the dogs and electric fence, nyoro."

"Simmer down, I'm not here to screw you, jailbait," Jeremiah said with a hint of loathing. "Now where was I... Oh, yes! A-hem... ATTENTION, DUELISTS! MY GEASS-CANCELER IS HAUNTING YOU!"

"Excuse me?" Tsuruya raised a green eyebrow in confusion. "Are you a ghost?"

"Yes!"

"But I don't believes in ghosts, nyoro."

At this Jeremiah chuckled darkly. "Then maybe you'll believe in _this_!"

Tsuruya held her breath and watched in anticipation as.......... nothing happened. "In what? What was supposed to happen?"

Jeremiah looked every which way at his own body, before he began to rub the back of his head sheepishly. "Errrr... Didn't I just turn invisible?"

"Uh-uh."

"...Are you sure?"

"Yup."

"...You're lying!"

"Nope. You're not invisible."

"Well, it usually works..."

"Okay."

"It's usually very scary!"

"I'll bet."

"Ya know maybe if I had some chains or something..."

"Look, can we just cut the crap already?! Why are you in my room, Jeremiah? Spying on me for Lelouch?" inquired an annoyed Tsuruya.

"No. I am here on my own accord with an important message. And it is this: ATTENTION, DUELISTS! Tonight, you will be haunted by three spirits!" the orange-obsessed man proclaimed, waving his arms around like a ghost.

"Are you one of them?" asked Tsuruya.

"Hmmm?" Jeremiah stopped his ghost routine of making 'ooohhh!' sounds.

"The spirits. Are you one of them?"

"No."

"Okay. THEN KINDLY GETS THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE, ORANGE-KUN!!!"

"I WAS JUST ABOUT TO, LOLFANG-TAN!!!"

"HOW DARE YOU USE MY FAN NICKNAME IN VAIN!!!"

"YOU STARTED IT!!!"

"..."

"..."

"..Ya know, you sound an awful lot like my friend, Kyon, nyoro."

"THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER!"

And with that, the man with the opaque eye withdrew a retractable blade from his left sleeve, and sliced a hole in Tsuruya's window. He then jumped out and landed in a red sports car parked on the ground below. Peering through the hole, Tsuruya was surprised to see Mikuru from the future occupying the passenger seat of the car.

"So how did it go?" asked the hot time-traveler.

"Excellent! Ready for our Christmas celebration in a few days, honey?" asked Jeremiah.

Big Mikuru beamed brightly. "Mmmhmmm... I brought the candles, champagne, and the whip!"

"And?"

"...and the motor-oil."

"Great!" grinned Jeremiah as he peeled out of Tsuruya's driveway and into the street.

Tsuruya watched all this with a very confused look on her face. "Wow. That was a MEGA weird thing to see, nyoro."

***

**Later That Night...**

***

Tsuruya was laying in her bed fast asleep. So was Churuya. The entire mansion was pitch-black. Suddenly, a glowing light appeared in Tsuruya's bedroom. She sat up with a start, clad in nothing but her silk yellow nightgown. The light dimmed and the figure became visible.

"Tsuuuruuuyaaa... Tsuuuruuuyaaa..." moaned the voice in a bored tone.

"Huh? What are you doing in my room, Yuki?" spoke Tsuruya. "Have you come to challenge me to another mega duel?"

The figure, a solid-looking Yuki Nagato, stepped forward and shook her head in a 'no'. "Noooooo... I would juuuuuuust kiiiiiick your buuuuuuutt...."

Insulted, Tsuruya got out of bed, jabbed Yuki in the chest, and said, "Okay, Flatsy! What do ya want?! And why are ya talkin' like that?"

"IIII am the Ghooooost of Chriiistmaaas Paaast. I'm heeeere to shooow yooou—"

"Stop talkin' like that, nyoro!"

Yuki stopped talking all slow immediately, before she walked up to Tsuruya. "Very well then. I shall first show you what Christmas was like... for Chibi Tsuruya! I shall now take you back to many years ago..."

"Uh-huh," said an unimpressed Tsuruya.

The bibliophile and the energetic heiress watched as the room sort of melted around them and reformed into a small kitchen. Tsuruya's eyes went wide.

"Hey...! This is the orphanage me and Churuya grew up in!" exclaimed the girl with the prominent forehead.

"Really? I didn't know you grew up here. Why didn't you tell anyone before?" asked a baffled Yuki.

"Because I didn't want anyone to know my secret shame! I never knew our real parents, but I was told they dumped us here when we were three. I never knew their faces..."

"Wow. That's... That's actually pretty sad. My mouth actually feels dry. Why do you think they left you two here?"

"C'mon, Yuki! Would _you _want to raise two kids with green hair? Especially when one has a fang and yellow eyes, and the other is a midget with a cat-mouth? We're freaks!"

"I see.... Oh! Watch this scene. Pay attention."

Tsuruya watched as a shorter version of herself entered the kitchen. Standing in front of an oven that wasn't there a few seconds ago, was Churuya, who hadn't even changed whatsoever.

"Look, big sister! I'm baking you a cake shaped like a Blue-Eyes White Dragon! With smoked-cheese frosting!" chirped Past-Churuya, placing said cake into the oven.

"Careful, Churuya! Don't you remembers what happened the last time, nyoro?" warned Past-Tsuruya, eyeing the bubbling cake suspiciously.

"Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine."

The cake in the oven promptly exploded into gooey blue, white, yellow, and brown bits.

"Oh, my God, it happened _again_!"

"Churuya, no! You forgot to preheats the oven, you dumb bitch!"

"Help me, Tsuruya! I'm getting melted cheese in my eyes!"

"CHRISTMAS IS RUINED!!!"

"Nyoro~n."

The scene then shifted back to Tsuruya's bedroom. She couldn't shake off the image of the melting cake in her head.

"See. Feeling educated now aren't we?" Yuki asked, staring into Tsuruya's face.

"Ummmm... What was the whole point of that?" pondered Tsuruya.

Yuki tilted her head to one side. "What do you mean?"

"The whole thing!" yelled Tsuruya. "What was the whole point of that? I just saw Churuya ruins a cake! I'm stills the same person I was five minutes ago! That trip didn't even solve anything! THIS WHOLE THING WAS A MEGA WASTE OF MY TIME!!!"

"Look," said Yuki, hands on her hips, "if you didn't learn anything from that, then you're hopeless. That whole scene was chockfull of Christmas lessons. And if you didn't see anything to help you change, then tough noogies."

"Well, enlighten me, nyoro."

"I am not going to."

"C'mon, Yuki! Quit being such a pill!"

"Fine. I'll go."

"Good! Get the hell out of my bedroom!"

Yuki smirked nastily and said, "Heh. That's what your father said to me as soon as he heard your mother coming into the house last nig-"

"GET OUT OF MY MANSION!!!" barked Tsuruya.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a party to get ready for in a few days, anyways. If you need me, I'll appearing in a disgusting hentai doujin with either Asakura, Koizumi, or Kyon, a fanart depicting me looking bored or placid, a farfetched fluff with Kyon, or in a Romance fanfic where I fall in love with a shameless self-insert written by some teenage loser who thinks they can identify with me due to the fact that I possess the personality and charm of a toaster. Toodles."

And then Yuki vanished in a puff of lavender smoke.

"Okaaay..." murmured the disturbed Tsuruya. She settled into her bed for some shuteye. She hadn't slept for long when the second spirit arrived. Someone was watching her.

"Someone there?" the genki girl asked nervously as she saw a hint of movement.

Tsuruya's body then went rigid. All the shadows in the room were moving on their own. She watched in fear as each of the shadows leapt off the wall and converged in the middle of her room. They formed a large black puddle that began to slowly slither towards her bed. Tsuruya watched as the puddle morphed into a solid shape and....

"__Boo,__" muttered Kuyou Suou.

"WHOA! I thought you were the kid from The Ring!" said a freaked-out Tsuruya. "What do you what? Oh, yeah, and... WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!"

"__I am__Kuyou Suou.___I serve the___Sky Canopy Dominion.___I too am a___humanoid interface.___Don't you___recognize me____from your darkest___nightmares?___" buzzed the girl with the giant mass of black hair.

"Cool. And no. So why are you here?" asked Tsuruya.

Kuyou's eyes gleamed ominously. "___To show you the true meaning___of the human holiday___called Christmas.__Because I am your____friend...___Mind Slave...____"

"I'm not your puppet, nyoro! I don't serves your megas creepy buddies either!"

"___You became our____tool in that___one fanfic,____Binky Boy...____"

"EX-CUSE ME?!?!"

"___Oh, nothing...___Now come over to___me, so I can___rape you with___my tentacles.___"

"What?"

"____I mean___hug you.___Yesss...__That's it...___"

The money-hungry second-year looked down, just in time to see one of Kuyou's tentacles slithering its way onto her bed. Currently, it was now wrapped around her right ankle and crawling upwards...

"HEY! Watch your... hands!" shouted Tsuruya as she kicked off the silky extremity. Kuyou looked moderately disappointed. Before she could even consider attacking the alien, there was one question that Tsuruya just had to ask Kuyou....

"Did you just calls me Binky-"

"___Let's__get this___show on the___road. Here's___how you celebrated___Christmas last year.__"

With a snap of her pasty fingers, Kuyou and Tsuruya popped into her parents' bedroom. Tsuruya was quickly surprised at the sight of herself in her parents' room, leaning out of the open window, a bucket of icy water in her hands. The room overlooked the front of her house. The mansion's gate was open, allowing people to come up to the front door if they wanted.

"C'mon, carolers..." The Past-Tsuruya licked her lips in anticipation of splashing some poor saps with the bucket's contents.

Behind her, Past-Churuya was watching T.V.. The tiny cheese-lover was flipping the channels back and forth. Finally, she stopped on an interesting show. The screen opened with a jaunty theme song, the words appearing sat the bottom, accompanied by two singing, bouncing Emiri Kimidori heads.

"All right! Look Tsuruya! It's the Shinjin and Pals Christmas Special!" Past-Churuya said excitedly as the song began.

_Who's that giant smashin' up the Closed Space?_

_It's Shinjin!_

At this, a Celestial's feature-less face filled up the T.V. and exclaimed in a deep voice, "_**THAT'S ME!**_"

_It's Shinjin and Pals!_

The setting changed to a grey area-Closed Space- with the aforementioned star of the show, a Celestial named Shinjin, standing alongside a tall building. The cerulean colossus was donning an over-sized Santa hat atop its head. And yes, the author would like to briefly take your time to announce that while it is pretty stupid to have used the creature's English name while describing it and naming it after its Japanese name, the word 'Celestial' just had one too many syllables in it. Shinjin just sounded much smoother in the song. We now return you to your parody of a parody.

"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everyone!" Shinjin said jollily, causing canned audience laughter to be heard. "And now to destroy this Closed Space!"

This cheery threat resulted in many whooping cheers and roaring applause. As Shinjin brought down a hammer-like fist on an orphanage, Ryoko Asakura materialized on top of the previous building. She was wearing a sexy Santa outfit and a sultry smile on her lips.

"Shinjin bless us, everyone," she said happily. The show then went into its commercial break, but quickly launched into another one of its themes.

_The blood of a million epsers will flow without end!_

_His name is Shinjin!_

_And he's smashin' up the Closed Space!_

"Want to watch the rest of the show with me, big sister?" asked Past-Churuya, a hopeful gleam in her eyes.

"No way! I'm far too busy for that megassa dumb show, Churuya. Leave me alone!" snapped Past-Tsuruya, who resumed looking out the window again. And as soon as it begun, Tsuruya and Kuyou were back in the bedroom.

"___There!___You have bore witness________to the undeniable truth. Now__do you comprehend,__________Mind Slave?___" Kuyou asked robotically.

Tsuruya scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Well, ya see, I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to-"

Rather than wait for a response, Kuyou zipped right to Tsuruya, and stood right up on her tip-toes, her face centimeters from the young billionaire's own. "__DO__YOU__COMPREHEND?__"

Needless to say, Tsuruya almost shat herself. "Uhhh, if I say yes, will you go away?"

"__Perhaps...__" Kuyou ran a finger through her midnight locks after backing off a bit.

"Then, yes. I got it."

"___Good.___But I can never leave__you. I am in your__mind, Tsuruya! I'll___always be a part of the darkness___in your heart...____AND ONE OF THESE DAYS, YOU WILL ASSIST THE SKY___CANOPY DOMINION IN COMPLETE DOMINANCE__OVER THIS WRETCHED PLANET!!! HARUHI SUZUMIYA WILL BE OURS, AND THE ONLY___THING LEFT FOR YOUR RACE WILL___BE TO WATCH MY KIND__DANCE ON THE PATHETIC REMAINS OF YOUR BROKEN WORLD!!!____BWA HA HA HA HA!!!_" Kuyou roared in a menacing, yet unenthusiastic voice. Tsuruya stared at the tiny invader, before she darted out of the room. Kuyou thought she had scared off Tsuruya, only for the long-haired ball of energy to run in with a plate shaped like Santa Claus. It was covered with chocolate-chip cookies on top.

"Here ya go, Kuyou! I figured that you might change your mind about killing all humans if ya saw nice we can be! So... have a cookie!" smiled Tsuruya. Kuyou stared at the plate for a good minute before she shuffled towards it. Tsuruya was glad Kuyou was accepting her token of friendship. She did, however, did not expect Kuyou to open her mouth and reveal two rows of beartrap-like teeth.

_**CHOMP!**_

"__Santa...__Bye-bye...__" Kuyou droned through a mouthful of chocolate and porcelain. She made a gulping sound shortly after. Tsuruya looked down to see three cookies as well as Santa's hat and forehead missing.

"Er... Can I gets ya some milk?" she inquired fearfully.

"___I'm good.___Farewell...__Binky Boy...__" whispered Kuyou as faded into the darkness.

Tsuruya sat down with a sigh of relief. That little encounter had taken more than a few years off her life.

"Pretty creepy, eh?" asked a sing-song voice.

"I'll say, nyoro!" agreed Tsuruya, only jump off the bed a second later. "AAAHHH! WHO ARE- Wait a minute! It's you! From the T.V. show!"

Ryoko Asakura smiled like a nun at Sunday school as she lay upon the bed, her left hand propping up her head, and a blue sweater with snowflakes hugging her torso. "I suppose it's not every day you meet a ghost."

Tsuruya arched a forest-green eyebrow. "Ghost? I thoughts you were an alien like the other two? Do you mean a ghost sorta like Yuki?"

"Well, yes. After I battled Nagato, my body couldn't sustain a physical form. The Integrated Data Thought Entity wouldn't supply me with a new form, so I have to dwell within another being until then. Similar to Nagato and Kyon, I can only assume a solid form as long as _she's _nearby," Ryoko pointed over towards an unoccupied chair in the corner of Tsuruya's room. It wasn't occupied anymore.

"Oh! Hello, Tsuruya! Merry Christmas to you and Churuya!" Emiri Kimidori said gleefully, dressed in fuzzy Christmas sweater adorned with reindeers.

"So, you're latching onto Emiri to stay alive? That's megas gross!" Tsuruya grimaced, scrunching up her nose.

"Don't knock it 'till you've tried it!" Ryoko said coyly with a wink, sending visible chills through Emiri. "Now, then about my visit-"

Tsuruya held up her hands to cut off Ryoko's speech. "Lemme guess. You're here to show me the true meaning of Christmas as well?"

Ryoko unleashed toothy grin. "Fortunately, no. I'm here to scare you into drastically altering your entire personality, therefore making the first two visits you received utterly pointless!"

"Okaaay..."

"Excellent! Let's get started, shall we?"

Ryoko clapped her hands together, and instead of the room taking them to somewhere else, the flatscreen T.V. came to life. Tsuruya was pretty confused when something began to come on screen . It was.... Haruhi? A song began to play.

_Day by day_

_I'm fed up with all this, so_

_Become a bolder that you can't refuse!_

_Oh, my boy_

_I gotta make myself clear, there's _

_no room for lies in this narrow world!_

"What the hell is this?!" Tsuruya shouted as she watched Haruhi and everyone else run through blank white spaces filled with rainbows and colorful stop signs. "Is this some kinda crappy crossover with our series and The World Ends With You?!?!"

"Nope, Tsuruya. This is the opening theme to our second season. It's called Super Driver," Ryoko answered as Haruhi bitchslapped a stop sign.

"Why are the sounds effects in English?!?!"

"Honestly, I have no clue. Kimidori, come over and fast forward through Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody."

"Sure thing!" smiled Emiri plopping herself down on the bed with Tsuruya and Ryoko, the genki sandwiched between them. The well-groomed girl began to fast-forward through the episode by simply pointing at the screen.

"Why are we watching this?" Tsuruya asked, a hint of dread slowly coming over her.

"Pay attention, Tsuruya. You are about to see something horrible, foul, and just plain awful," Ryoko said wistfully as the T.V. came to stop...

***

**Several Brain-numbing Hours Later...**

***

"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF HARUHI!!!" screamed Tsuruya as she pounded on the T.V. with her fists. "FOR FUCK'S SAKE KYON!!! DO YOUR GODDAMNED HOMEWORK!!! HOW MUCH OF A DUMBASS CAN YOU BE NOT TO GET IT DONE, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Behind the sobbing girl, lay Ryoko and Emiri. Emiri's eyes were bloodshot and her face was even whiter than Yuki and Kuyou's stomachs. Ryoko looked as though she had food poisoning, since she kept grimacing several times in a row. It was morning.

"I think we've done enough," gurgled an ill Emiri as Tsuruya curled up in the fetal position.

"I believe so too. I can't handle two more episodes of this crap," gagged Ryoko turning the T.V. off. The moment she did, Tsuruya sprang from the floor and grabbed Ryoko in a bear-hug.

"Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" sobbed Tsuruya into Ryoko's chest.

"Ummm... No problem?" Ryoko said unsurely as Tsuruya blew her nose on her sweater. "HEY!! I'm not a tissue!"

"Oh, Ryoko! What was that megas horrible thing?!"

"That, my cheese-snarfing friend, was Endless Eight. I cut out the last two episodes, because I actually have a heart."

"Does the loop get solved?"

"Yes."

"Oh, happies! WHY DID YOU MAKE ME WATCH SUCH A TERRIBLE THING?!!?"

"Because, Tsuruya. If you continue to alienate your friends and care only about money, you'll wind up like the trolls who produce this vile hogwash! I mean please! The whole thing could have been solved in four episodes! I could have written a better conclusion even if I was drunk, going into labor, fighting Nagato, and had no control over both my hands!"

"I'll say!" agreed Emiri.

"And that's not the worst of it, Tsuruya, old girl!" Ryoko went on with her rant, "If you don't act now you'll wind up like you do in the Sighs arc that shows up afterward!'

"Sighs arc?" Tsuruya looked puzzled.

"It's pretty much The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina with glossy K-On artwork. It goes on for like five episodes. I mean they could have done Disappearance, but NOOOO... Nothing remotely interesting happens during it until the conclusion! And, Tsuruya... you get even less screentime then me and Kimidori combined!" Ryoko thundered dramatically.

"SAY IT AIN'T SO, NYORO!!!"

"OH, YES, IT'S TRUE!!! NOT ONLY THAT, BUT EACH OF THE FRIGGIN' SIGHS EPISODES CUT TO BLACK AT THE VERY END!!! WHAT ARE WE, THE FUCKING SOPRANOS?!?!"

"Now, I see the error of my ways!" yelled Tsuruya. "If I keep this up, I'll be just as unpopular as Emiri! I don't wanna end up like that five-minute loser!"

"Hey!" roared Emiri.

"Everything okay, sis?" asked Churuya waddling into the room. "I heard shouting."

"Oh, Churuya! I'm so glad you're here!" grinned Tsuruya, picking up her smaller self and twirling around the room embarrassingly.

"You're happy to see me? And you didn't even tell me to shut up? What gives?" Churuya thoroughly confused as Tsuruya began to kiss her on the forehead.

"Huh," muttered Ryoko as she rewound the tape, "You know, Kimidori, there seems to be a lot of focus on Suzumiya's butt in the second season."

"There is?"

"Quite a lot. I mean the pool scenes, the cicada-catching, the opening credits..." the blunette mused to herself.

"Hmmm.. I never took any of that into account," Emiri admitted, wiping the crust out of her tired eyes.

"You know what I think?"

"What, Asakura?"

"I think the reason Endless Eight animation was reused was because the artists spent so much time animating Suzumiya's posterior for the opening. I mean look at it! It's huge!" Ryoko pointed out, enjoying the sensation of watching Emiri's eyes widening in contemplation.

"Wow. It is."

"Indeed."

"I sure would like to fuck the hell out of that thing. I'd ride her until she bled. Spread her open... She'll be the bread, I the butter..."

"Yeah, I- Wait, WHAT?!?!"

"..........I didn't say anything."

"Hey, guys?" piped up Tsuruya, interrupting the matter of Emiri's questionable sexuality, "Can you go now? I got some megas things I gotta do for my friends!"

"Sure thing. Come, Kimidori. We're leaving. We can watch Charlie Brown with Shinjin when we get back to your place!" smiled Ryoko.

"Roger that, Asakura. And then we can watch the Rose Parade and hang mistletoe!" Emiri said a little too eagerly.

"Let's not."

"Phooey..."

The two vanished into blue and green sparkles, leaving Tsuruya and Churuya alone. Tsuruya began to head downstairs for breakfast with Churuya toddling after her.

"I think I will go to Haruhi's party anyways," Tsuruya told her sister. "Wanna come, too?"

Churuya beamed. "You mean it?"

Tsuruya smiled. "No."

"Nyoro-"

"GOTCHA!!! Ha ha ha! Sure ya can come!"

Churuya did a happy dance. The chibi watched as Tsuruya picked up the house phone from its place on a small table and began to make a call.

"Who are you calling?" she inquired.

"I'm calling my parents' company! I'm gonna do a megas good thing for all the workers!" smiled the taller girl.

"Really? What?"

"I'm gonna fires them all so they can spends Christmas with their families!"

"But, sis! That not nice! It's against the rules!"

"SCREW THE RULES, I HAVE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!! ...Oh, and later we'll go shopping for Haruhi, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Koizumi!" Tsuruya said as she continued to wait on hold.

"What are we getting them?" asked Churuya brimming with curiosity.

"What else? Glow-In-The-Dark pajamas, nyoro!" laughed Tsuruya, not noticing Churuya rolling her squinty eyes. Tsuruya continued to wait on the phone. That's when she noticed..... you, the reader.

"Oh? Hi, there! May you haves a megassa Merry Christmas as well!"

"Uh, sis?"

"Yeah, Churuya?"

"Who are you talking to?"

"Them. You know... Them!"

"...There's no one there."

"SCREW THE FOURTH WALL, I HAVE SMOKED CHEESE!!!"

"Nyoro~n."

* * *

**A/N: In case anyone is wondering if you didn't read the first Abridged spoof I did, here's the cast roles here.**

**Jeremiah- Kemo**

**Yuki- The Pharaoh **

**Kuyou- Yami Marik**

**Ryoko- Yami Bakura**

**Emiri- Bakura**

**Shinjin the Celestial- Zorc**

**Merry Christmas, everyone! And to all a good night. Now to greedily open my presents! Ha ha! You will see more abridged parodies soon! As for the next chapter... Well, I'll be doing different stuff until then. Like updating my other stories and publishing new ones. Keep an eye out!**

**Happy holidays!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	71. Kimidevil

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I'm pretty sure Nederbird will get a kick out of this one. ;)**

**I'll bet some of you are wondering about why I would make the demure and seldom-known Emiri Kimidori a sexual deviant. Well as I explained to a friend of mine once...**

**As I was surfing the Haruhi image board at SOS-dan, I came across an Emiri gallery. Since I like her so much, I decided to check it out. As I browsed, I came across a conversation talking about Emiri's Japanese personality. The guys there said that judging by her character song, it seems that she's a scheming character with hidden agendas (this is fleshed out in the light novels). As a result, the fans decided to give her a nickname (I can't remember the kanji) that involved a word with schemer or revenge.**

**Translated into English, it comes out to demon or monster, thus making Kimidori, "Kimidevil".**

**That, and some comics depicting her sexually harassing Yuki, Ryoko, and the two presidents is what drove me to come up with "Emiri is a sexual deviant" idea. ;)**

**Remember Kyon the pervert? Yeah, I think this is worse. In fact, the very first part of this story is based on a hilarious comic I read featuring Kyon and Emiri.**

**And yes, the title here is a play on her character single Fixed Mind. **

* * *

**Horny Mind:**

"Yo! Miss Kimidori!" Kyon shouted as he ran down the empty hallway. Up ahead, Emiri Kimidori, local Organic Life Contact-Purpose Humanoid Interface, was stopped walking and looked over her shoulder.

"Hmm? Oh! Hello, Kyon! Is there something I can do for you?" Emiri asked in a voice as soft as fleece.

"I wanted to ask you something that's been on my mind for awhile."

"Really now? Well, go ahead. I'll try to answer with the best of my ability."

Kyon beamed and scratched the back of his head nervously. "It's about the Computer Club President. Why did you tell us he was your boyfriend? I mean, you could have said he was just a good friend or something. Why did say you were his girlfriend?"

Emiri mulled this over for a bit in her head before she smiled pleasantly and gave her answer. "Actually, Kyon......"

Emiri's face darkened and an incredibly creepy look passed over features as she grinned like Freddy Krueger.

"_I think all men on this planet are mine~..._" she responded simply.

Kyon gulped and began to back away. "W-Well, that's very informative... T-T-Thank you for your time, M-Miss K-K-Kimidori..."

And then Kyon was jetting off down the hallway, all the way back to where he came from. Emiri watched him go, her light green eyes tracking his fleeing form until it disappeared.

"Kyon is so cute when he's nervous. I can't _wait _to see him naked..."

***

"May I come in?" a delicate, soft voice asked politely.

Haruhi looked up from her spot in the empty Brigade room at the person standing at the door. "Oh. Hey, Kimidori. Long time, no see."

"I take it everyone else has left for today?" Emiri asked in her usual peaceful tone of voice, while stepping further into the room.

"Yeah," Haruhi replied, her back to her guest as she placed her loose things from the table into her schoolbag, "They all left a minute ago. Want do you want?"

"I just wanted to thank you for helping me out with that case I came in with a long time ago."

"Oh, the Computer Club President? No problem. My Brigade handled most of the work. Though, I'm sure if I hadn't been there to guide them, they wouldn't have gotten anything done in the first place!"

A sudden tickle came across the middle of Haruhi's back. She tensed up, but simply assumed it was her nerves or an itch. She continued with her speech.

"Well, anyway, if you have any more problems, just come see me. I'm 100 percent sure the SOS Brigade can handle any situation-"

Suddenly, Haruhi's eyes went wide. _What the hell?_ _Did that just happen? Did Kimidori seriously just do that? No... She wouldn't... It's not in her character..._

Suddenly, there was an unfamiliar touch on Haruhi's body. The young female god spun around and to her horror, she saw the most unrealistic sight ever.

Emiri Kimidori was groping her butt.

"..." said Emiri.

"..." said Haruhi.

There was a small moment of silence as the salad-headed girl slowly retracted her hand. It was swiftly broken by Haruhi.

"Did you just slap my ass?! DID YOU JUST SLAP MY ASS?!" Haruhi covered her rear protectively with both hands.

"Well, you have a nice ass," Emiri replied simply as if that solved all the world's problems.

"YOU DID!! YOU SLAPPED AND GRABBED MY ASS!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!!"

"I couldn't help myself. It was just so.... big and firm and plump and supple and-"

Haruhi grabbed Emiri by the ribbons of her sailor fuku and snarled, "EXCUSE ME?!?! I'm the leader of the SOS Brigade! And I will be treated as such! I'm not some piece of meat you can play around with! That's what I have Mikuru for! Do YOU think I'm a piece of meat?!"

Emiri smiled sincerely with a lecherous gleam in her eyes and said, "What would you do if I said yes?"

And the last thing she saw was Haruhi's fist rocketing towards her face.

***

Itsuki walked into the boys' bathroom to wash his hands before lunch, when he was suddenly greeted with a most unusual sight.

"Is everything okay in here?" Itsuki asked quizzically, scratching the side of his head in complete bewilderment.

The Computer Club President, who had been standing in front of a urinal with his lands placed over his zipper, turned to Itsuki and let out a relieved sigh. "Oh, thank god! Koizumi could PLEASE stand in front of me? I can't go with Kimidori here watching me!"

He gestured with his left shoulder towards Emiri, who was standing right next to him, hands placed behind her back.

"Sooooo..." Emiri said in a voice as soft as lace, "Gotta pee, eh?"

"Aww, screw it!"

***

"Here's that folder you wanted, Mr. President!" Emiri chirped happily as she handed the manila folder to her boss.

"Why, thank you, Kimidori," the Student Council President said calmly, taking the folder in one hand.

"My, you are a wonderful class president! I wish I could make it up to you somehow!" Emiri gushed like... well, a schoolgirl.

"No need, Kimidori," dismissed the young man. "You don't have to get me anything at all."

"Actually, I was thinking about something I could _do _to you."

"Hmm? Kimidori, what are you sayi-"

The president stopped his sentence the moment he turned around. Emiri's once average B-cup chest was now a DD-cup size now. His cigarette tumbled from his now-open mouth.

"Errr..." he began.

"Like them? Altering my body structure is one of the many perks of being an interface. I know how much you prefer girls with this body size. I've seen your "special" magazines," Emiri replied nonchalantly, her new assets jiggling slightly with every word she spoke. The Student Council President didn't really know what to say for once.

"Ummm... Kimidori?" the black-haired boy began slowly, making a mental note to hide his "special" magazines later.

"Yes?" Emiri said a bit too eagerly, her enlarged chest sort of lunging at her boss's face.

"Your breasts..."

"Uh-huh?"

"......They're disturbing me."

"I knew you'd lik- Wait, what?"

"Your breasts. They are really sort of freaking me out. Please change them back. It's like they follow me around no matter which direction I go in. I like you better the way you used to be."

"....Fine."

"Okay. Good. Glad we had this talk."

".................................Homo."

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing."

***

Kunikida watched as Emiri exited the classroom, looked around, and then scampered off down the hallway.

"I should have done this before!" he heard her exclaim as she disappeared further down the corridor.

Confused, yet deciding not to pry in too much, Kunikida decided to shut the classroom door for her. Unbeknownst to the average background character, he was in for quite a shocker.

"Taniguchi?!" he uncharacteristically exclaimed.

Sitting on the far side of the empty classroom, haired mussed up, shirt and jacket ripped to shreds, and only his discarded pants covering his loins, was a nude Taniguchi. "Hello, Kunikida."

"Ummmm.... Hey."

"..."

"..."

"Say, Kunikida...."

".....What is it?"

"Tell me... Does it qualify as rape if you enjoyed it?"

Kunikida blinked several times in bewilderment. "Well, I'd have to say that it probably depends on what the victim thinks. Why are you asking...?"

Taniguchi fixed his friend with an unreadable expression his face. "Kunikida... If anyone asks, I was _not _raped."

***

"I don't know about this..." Mikuru murmured quietly, clutching the towel around her body protectively.

Tsuruya popped her sud-covered head over the wall separating them in the girls' shower. "What's wrong, Mikuru? You're not afraid to shower whenever the other girls are here. You okay, nyoro?"

"It's just.... well...."

Mikuru pointed a trembling finger at the fully-clothed Emiri sitting on a folding chair behind the open stalls. A good-natured smile was glued on her face and a sketchbook and pencil were resting on her lap.

"I can't shower in front of Miss Kimidori..." Mikuru whimpered, her face red due to the water's heat and shyness.

"Oh, come on, Mikuru! Kimidori's our friend! We should helps her out with her art project! You should be happy that she picked us to be the models for her picture! right, Kimidori?" Tsuruya asked, her long hair acting as a sort of curtain that covered her body, making Mikuru a bit envious.

"Yes, Tsuruya... Project..." Emiri licked her lips hungrily at the curves of the jade-headed second-year.

"Well... If it's to help..." Mikuru began to lower her towel a bit with her eyes closed.

That was when she remembered something crucial.

"Tsuruya?"

"Yeah, Mikuru?"

"Do we even _have _an art class at our school?"

"......Uhhhhh....... Kimidori? Would you mind fillin' that question out for us? ...Kimidori?"

But the only thing left behind them was Emiri's chair lying on the ground on its side.

***

"Ohhh... The pain..."

"Stop whining! Hold still for a minute!"

"How was I supposed to know she could form her hair into claws?!?! I thought I had her sweet ass!!"

"Of all the stupid things you've done, this is by far the stupidest... Imagine! Hitting on Kuyou Suou of all people!" huffed Ryoko from Emiri's bedside. From the blunette's side, Yuki stood nearby with some tea.

The green-haired girl was lying on a small cot with several bandages on her skin. The duo had found Emiri in pieces inside of a dumpster in a sealed reality, but miraculously, she had clung to life instead of fading. At the moment, their supervisor had several thousand tiny nanomachines coursing through her body to heal her internal injuries.

"That was a very unwise decision to make, Kimidori," Yuki said plainly.

"Exactly, Nagato! Do you know how worried we were? I almost had a panic attack when Nagato tripped over your right foot! It was like a slaughterhouse in that alley!" chastised Ryoko, while Emiri pretended to listen.

"Yes. I see. Anyways, thanks for letting me recover here. How long till I'm back on my feet?" the bedridden girl pondered.

"Estimated time for recovery is two weeks," theorized Yuki.

Emiri smiled cheerfully and leaned forward a bit. "Great! Though, in the meantime...."

Ryoko and Yuki looked down to see that Emiri had placed her hands on both of their chests.

"...I sure could use some _quality time_ with my friends to help me recover quicker~."

Yuki and Ryoko stared at Emiri's hand on their chests for a bit, before Ryoko's left hand went to the side of her own cardigan.

_Finally_, Emiri thought delightedly at the prospect of having a little bedtime 'company'.

Then Ryoko took her combat knife out of her pocket and raised her arm.

_Oh, dear..._

_**STAB!!!**_

Emiri could have sworn Yuki was smirking at the sight of the knife's blade jammed halfway into her large forehead.

"...............Ouch."

* * *

**A/N: Ha ha, I'm terrible aren't I? And I forgot to mention this in the above note, but I once saw this bit of fanart where Emiri was covering a naked Ryoko in whipped cream and pieces of fruit. Needless to say, Ryoko was NOT amused. **

**Yeah.....**

**Next up, Persona 4! NERDS AND MONSTERS, PEOPLE! **

**And soon, the court case to end all court cases! WHOO!!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	72. Taniguchi's New Persona: Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: All right, Gladiator MCK. You asked for Persona 4? I'LL GIVE YOU PERSONA 4!!!**

**...Sorry.**

**Anyways, let me explain a couple of things. This is kinda of an AU. Yuki isn't an alien, Itsuki is not an esper, and Mikuru isn't a time-traveler. Nothing supernatural except for the Persona features here. Another thing here is that I do not have Persona 4 myself and haven't had the joy of playing it. My knowledge of the game extends from Wikipedia, a few playthrough videos on YouTube, and fanfics here. **

**And finally, this is a three- part chapter in which the vibrant, fantastic, manly Taniguchi is the main character, instead of that dumb, smelly, ugly Kyon.**

**Rejoice my brethren!**

**Here's who's playing who in the first part:**

**Taniguchi- Soji/Protagonist**

**Kyon- Yosuke**

**Haruhi- Chie**

**Ryoko/Achakura- Teddie**

**Imouto- Nanako**

**Emiri- Saki**

**Mori- Mayumi**

**Kyouko- Dojima**

**Oruki- Igor**

**Naru- Margaret**

**Now enjoy the goofiness.**

* * *

**Part 1: Taniguchi's New Persona:**

_**-Taniguchi's POV-**_

_...Hmmm? _

_Oh! _

_Hey, there! Haven't seen you around here before. You new to this place? Nice to meet you! C'mon! I'll show you around here so you don't get lost. _

_What? _

_Who am I? Guess I should explain first, huh? My name is Taniguchi. I just moved here from the city to this little town. Inaba it's called? Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's the name. Anyways, I go to North High School here. It's pretty cool. I got plenty of friends here, and we all look out for one another. You should meet Kyon sometime. He's kinda dull, but he's a great guy! _

_What's that? You want to know about the town's history? It's kinda wild. A couple of months ago, a LOT of weird crap was going down. Stuff that would turn you white! _

_You WANT to hear about it?_

_Well, I guess I could tell you. Not like anything bad could happen right? Gotta warn you, though, you probably won't believe any of it. Anyways, like any epic tale of bravery, my story begins a few months ago, when I befriended Kyon and met a crazy, beautiful girl named Haruhi Suzumiya..._

_**-End of Taniguchi's POV-**_

After being enrolled into North High School by the family friend he was living with, Kyouko Tachibana, Taniguchi was ecstatic. He'd only been in this small town for only a couple of weeks (and talked with a creepy gas station attendant who spoke with "___"'s in his sentences), and he'd already made some friends. The first was a boy named Kyon, who was kind of a jerk sometimes, but a pretty cool guy nonetheless. He had a kid sister, who everyone called Imouto. She was a sweet little small fry. And the second was an eccentric girl named Haruhi Suzumiya, who made up a club called the SOS Brigade.

_**S**__ave the World by __**O**__verloading it with Fun __**S**__uzumiya Haruhi's Brigade!_

Kinda corny, but Haruhi meant well. She'd enlisted Kyon and him as part of her club to search for aliens, time-travelers, and espers. One thing he had learned about Haruhi was that she always said yes to any guy who asked her out. So curious to see if it was true, Taniguchi took the plunge and asked her out after school.

"Sure," she said simply.

Sure! Never had such a sweet word been uttered!

Taniguchi was thrilled at the idea of a hot babe saying yes to the idea of going out with him. He was kinda nervous when he heard that Haruhi had gone out with thirty other guys, but as far as he knew, not one had gotten under her shirt. The first date had gone along smoothly, although, Haruhi spent more time looking off into space than she into Taniguchi's eyes. Which was okay, since Taniguchi spent some of his time sneaking quick peeks at Haruhi's legs, butt, and chest (but not necessarily in that order). The second date had gone along the same, except Haruhi made half-hearted attempts at conversation, while Taniguchi made half-hearted attempts at listening. Now the third date had come. Taniguchi was very nervous as he had seen a lot of T.V. shows that depicted what usually happened on the third date.

He almost wet himself when she announced they would be going to her house. Along the way the way, he decided to strike up a conversation about something he'd heard on the news.

"Hey, Suzumiya? What do you think ever happened to that Sonuo Mori lady?" the silver-haired youth brought up. smiling inwardly as Haruhi perked up.

Sonuo was a news reporter who had once paid a visit to Kyon and Haruhi's school before Taniguchi had arrived. A proud, confident woman, Mori had been found dead a week ago by one of Haruhi's classmates. Her body had been tangled in the television cables outside her home. The cause of death was never confirmed.

"I have no idea, Taniguchi. I never really got to talk to Mori a lot when she visited, so I don't know if she was in any trouble or anything. I liked her, though. She was pretty cool," Haruhi admitted, head now to the ground.

_Great. Now I feel like crap,_ Taniguchi thought as the approached Haruhi's house.

"I just need to get something. It won't take long," Haruhi said as they walked up her driveway. "And I don't want you getting any funny ideas, okay?!"

"Whatever you say, Suzumiya..." Taniguchi said. Just then, a guy with filthy blond hair bumped right into Taniguchi.

"Watch where you're going!" snarled the guy before he walked away in the opposite direction.

"Who the hell was that asshole?" asked Taniguchi, rubbing his shoulder from where he collided with the guy.

"Just ignore him. They say his name is Fujiwara. He's a bit of a prick, but mostly keeps to himself. C'mon, Taniguchi, let's just head inside," Haruhi muttered, heading towards the front door of her abode.

They made their way inside. It was a pretty nice-looking house. Taniguchi waited near the kitchen, while Haruhi brushed past him and up the stairs to her room.

"I'll be back in a minute. Don't touch my stuff or you'll regret it. Got it?"

"Yes...?"

"Good."

And then the tsundere was gone. Bored, Taniguchi decided to raid her fridge for a snack.

"Let's see what she's got in here... Oh! Chicken! My fav- What the...?" Taniguchi said slowly as a large shadow crept up behind him.

_**Clang!**_

The blow from the frying pan knocked the newcomer unconscious and his body was quickly dragged away.

*******

**2 Minutes Later...**

***

"Oh, god... What hit me?" Taniguchi muttered as he sat up. "What the hell?"

The boy quickly realized he was not in Haruhi's kitchen anymore. From his viewpoint, it seemed as though he was sitting in some dark cramped room with faint blue lighting. Looking to the sides, Taniguchi saw it was raining and that he was actually inside a limousine, due to the speeding scenery.

"Welcome..... to the Velvet Room..." drawled a low, male voice.

"Err... This is a fucking limo," Taniguchi helpfully pointed out.

"Hey! Shut up! I'm trying to talk here! Kids these days.... With their fancy I-Pods, and X-Boxes, and Jonas Brothers, and venereal diseases, and Vanilla Ice..."

"Go on, dear. Don't keep him waiting," said a second softer, feminine voice.

Confused, Taniguchi leaned forward and saw that his captors were a young-looking man and woman who had a few years over him. The man was sitting at a small table that was covered in facedown cards.

"Oh, dear god, I'm going to be thrown into your cellar and be made into your sex-toy, aren't I?" Taniguchi asked fearfully.

"Hell, no!" the man roared. "Just sit still and listen. I sense a great strength sleeping within you. Now... I shall read your fortune!" the man declared, while the woman munched on a snickerdoodle. "But tell me your name, boy."

"Taniguchi, sir."

"Huh. Good name. Good name... Let's get started!"

The man shuffled the glowing blue cards and held up one with an odd symbol on it.

"Now this card is the Tower. When held right-side up, it means that.... Umm... It means..." he fumbled around for the right words.

The woman leaned over and whispered something inaudible to him. "Oh! So THAT'S what it meant that way! It means a _terrible_ catastrophe will soon occur! .....Thanks, dear."

"No problem, honey!" the woman replied sweetly. Taniguchi groaned. He then held up another card with a circle or something on it.

"Now this card shows what happens next. this the Sun and it-"

"That's the Moon, sweetheart."

"...........Really?"

"Yup."

"It is?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Well, I certainly screwed over that one guy... Anyways, it means 'hesitation' and 'mystery'... I think."

"Can we PLEASE get on with this?! I have a hot date!" growled Taniguchi.

"Haruhi is a lovely young woman!" cooed the lady.

"How do you know, Haruhi?" Taniguchi suspiciously asked.

"Uhhhhhh..."

"Look, kid! Just take this, alright? It'll save your life one day. Just don't fold it! I'll know," the man said as he tossed a playing card to Taniguchi. He caught and looked it over.

"What's this do, old man?" the player asked.

"That, _kiddo_, is a very special card. Contained within it is a power that will help you solve a great wrong one day!! ...Pretty dramatic, huh? But be forewarned... there are some people you will have to trust and others who-"

Then the room filled with light.

"MOM!!! DAD!!! Did you guys knock out my date and drag him in here?! That's the fourth time this has happened!" cried an angry Haruhi.

"Parents?!" Looking around, Taniguchi saw that he wasn't even in a limo. He was in a fort of some kind, with a black sheet draped over four chairs and the 'scenery' he had seen scrolling by was in fact being played on a series of small T.V.s. He wondered why they had passed the same tree twenty times.

Oruki and Naru (oh, please, as if you didn't already know) stood up and faced their daughter while looking around in an embarrassment. "Uhhhhhhhh... Well.... You see...."

"GOD DAMN IT, YOU TWO!! THIS WHY I CAN NEVER GET A BOYFRIEND!! YOU'RE ALWAYS SCARING THEM AWAY WITH YOUR FORTUNTELLING CRAP!!!" Haruhi scowled nastily.

Naru actually got angry. "Haruhi! Do _NOT _mock the unseen forces that you cannot understand!"

"Whatever, mom! C'mon, Taniguchi! Let's go to Kyon's house! It's much better than hanging out here!" Haruhi started to drag Taniguchi away, but Naru ran up to him.

"Wait! before you go, there's something I have to give your date!" Naru said cheerfully.

Haruhi, Taniguchi, and Oruki watched as Naru approached forward....

...And started smooching Taniguchi on the cheek.

"_MOM!!!_"

"_NARU!!!_"

"_HELP!!! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A MILF!!!_"

"There! Now you have some luck! Be sure to stop by again~!" Haruhi's mother said happily, while her father stomped towards them.

"Gotta go!" Taniguchi dashed out the door with Haruhi in hand.

"Such a nice young man. .....Well, I'll go and start dinner!" Naru hopped off to the kitchen.

Oruki raised his hand to say something, anything, but gave up and sat down to watch the Spice Channel.

***

**4 Minutes Later...**

***

"Sorry about my crazy parents," Haruhi said as she and her date entered Kyon's room (Imouto knew them both and let them in). "There's gotta be a way I can make it up to you."

"Really? Make it up to me?" Taniguchi raised an eyebrow.

"Sure. But for now, let's wait for Kyon. I need to ask him something."

"Okay. Great."

And so they waited..... for several hours. By the time Taniguchi woke up, it was midnight. He saw Haruhi sitting next to him on Kyon's bed, an impatient look on her face.

"Where is that idiot?! He better not be goofing off!" Haruhi pouted, launching herself off the bed.

"Don't worry, Suzumiya," Taniguchi assured, standing up and walking towards her. "I'm sure Kyon just had to do something really important."

"Yeah, right! He's probably out with some floozy or smoking crack or..."

She said some more stuff, but Taniguchi didn't catch the rest of it. Instead, he shuffled close to her and placed his arm around her. His right hand found itself on her hip. Unbeknownst to both, the T.V. on Kyon's desk flickered on ominously.

"So.... On a completely different subject, would you mind if I started calling you Haruhi from now on?" he grinned at her.

Haruhi blinked a few times, before a rather creepy smile slithered onto her face. "Of, course you can, Taniguchi. Just one small thing..."

"Yeah...?" the young man asked, suddenly VERY afraid.

"Get your pervy little hands.... OFF OF ME!!!" she snarled before shoving him roughly. Taniguchi stumbled back, about to stutter an apology before his back collided with the T.V. screen. He grabbed Haruhi's hand as he fell, inadvertently pulling her down with him.

_**BRZZT!**_

And the last thing Taniguchi saw before the screen completely swallowed him was Haruhi's stunned face.

***

"Where the hell am I?" Taniguchi asked himself. He was in some foggy version of Kyon's house. At least it _looked_ like Kyon's house. It was hard to tell with all the floating walls and walkways. That and the fact that Haruhi was sitting on him.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore..." mumbled Haruhi, getting off Taniguchi's back and helping him up.

"I thought we lived in Japan?"

"It's a saying."

"Huh?"

"Moron."

"Someone there?" called a familiar voice. "Haruhi? Taniguchi?"

Taniguchi squinted through the brick-thick fog and saw the owner of the room himself. "Kyon? Hey, there! What are you doing here?"

"That's what I'd like to know. I was with my parents at Best Buy and as I was leaning against a bigscreen T.V. for a break, someone shoved me into it!" Kyon explained actually looking confused for once in his life.

"That's weird. I just fell through a T.V., too! Me and Suzumiya were waiting for you in your room and she kinda shoved me into yours," Taniguchi admitted.

"Sounds like Haruhi. So... What is this place?" asked Kyon, ignoring Haruhi's glare.

"Ah! Looks like we got some newcomers! Welcome to the Midnight Channel!" exclaimed a high-pitched, feminine voice.

Taniguchi, Kyon, and Haruhi turned to the direction of where the voice came from. They watched as a short figure toddled into view. It was a young girl with really weird deformities. For one, her head and eyes were huge, she had blue hair, and her limbs were all stubby. Plus, she only came up to their stomachs in terms of height.

"Hello, friends! My name is Achakura! It's bear-y nice to meet you!" said the girl, extending a chubby little hand.

Taniguchi nervously took it and shook. "Nice to meet you, Achakura. I'm Taniguchi and that's Kyon. We're- Wait a minute... Did you just say "bear-y"?"

"No, I didn't. I said "very"."

"...Kay..."

"Anyways.... What is the 'Midnight Channel'? Is it some kind of porn network I haven't seen yet?" Haruhi asked with a perverse grin.

Achakura frowned. "No, you stupid hussy. This an alternate world that takes on the shape of the psyche of the person who owns the T.V.. All the rumors about it happening in your world at midnight when you touch a T.V. are true! Woooooooooo~!!!"

As Achakura did a really cute but stupid ghost act, Kyon raised a hand. "If that's true, then how come no one has reported this? I mean, there are billions of people in the world and at least _one _of them should have touched a T.V. at midnight. Does the effect only happen here? And if so, how come?"

".................................FOLLOW ME, NEW BUDDIES!!!" Achakura skipped away through the fog , causing the trio to follow her. It was quite difficult as the kept bumping into one another. Along the way, they saw rusty walkways, more mist, bloody writing on walls, more mist, a giant, floating banana, more mist, a creepy red and black vortex and MOAR MIST.

"I swear I will murder the person who keeps touching my ass!" snarled Haruhi at Kyon and Taniguchi.

"Who said it was one of them~?" Achakura asked with a sweet leer, causing Haruhi to shudder. "Anyways, you'll need these to see properly. Take them."

She handed all of them some fancy glasses for their eyes. Taniguchi looked a bit silly, Kyon looked like he had aged forty years, and Haruhi just looked cute. The fog instantly cleared before them.

"Hey! Now we can see!" exclaimed Haruhi, who now moved to a safe distance away from Achakura.

"Good, good. Now anyways, here's the exit!" said Achakura pointing to a television screen portal thingy. "Would any of you like me to give you guys a lift~?"

"NO!!!" said Haruhi, Kyon, and Taniguchi (he wasn't sure if he would catch any of her chibbiness).

"Okey-dokey! Feel free to come back to this acid-trip of a world anytime you feel lonely or suicidal. I'll be sure to make you feel welcome! By the way, I'm a Shadow, just one of the many that are currently inhabiting this world. We basically mirror the thoughts and emotions of person whose T.V. we're living in. Should have said that earlier in case we ran into some. Well, at least none of you got raped or eaten! Later!"

The trio left the Midnight Channel and decided to talk to one another about it after school. They were currently eating at the diner Emiri worked at.

"That T.V. place was awesome! Can we go back, Kyon?" Taniguchi begged weakly. Haruhi was too busy pigging out on steak.

"Hell, no! I don't know about, you two, but I don't want to get manhandled by a chibi," shuddered Kyon.

"NOM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM OM..." said Haruhi to her seventh steak.

Just then, Emiri came by to see how they were doing. "Enjoying the food?"

Haruhi burped out her seventh steak-bone (and fork) and grinned. "Just great, Kimidori! Got any BBQ sauce?"

"It's so nice to have you guys as friends," Emiri said warmly. "I hope we remain friends for a long, LONG time!"

"I hope we do, Miss Kimidori," smiled Kyon.

"So do I," agreed Taniguchi, wondering if there was a spot he could hide to watch Emiri change out of her waitress outfit.

"STEAK STEAK STEAK STEAK STEAK STEAK!!!" chanted Haruhi, wondering when she would get her sauce.

"I'll go fetch it for you," said Emiri as she went into the backroom.

"It sure is nice that Emiri is alive!" Haruhi exclaimed.

"Yup!" said Kyon and Taniguchi.

***

**3 Minutes Later**

***

"OMG!!!" cried the Student Council President as he ran into the diner, wildly flailing his arms like a priss. "KIMIDORI HAS JUST BEEN MURDERED!!! NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT'S LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH A HOT SECRETARY!!!"

"Miss Kimidori is dead?!" shouted Kyon. "Despite the fact that I have barely spoken two direct sentences to her throughout the months I've attended class with her, this event has left me quite traumatized! Plus, she was one of the candidates I had picked for my future harem! Whoever killed her shall die!!"

"I'll bet the T.V. world is _SOMEHOW_ connected to this unrelated murder! We must go back there!" hollered Taniguchi, pumping his fists in the air.

"Taniguchi... That is without a doubt..... THE SMARTEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD YOU SAY. LET'S DO IT!!!"

"YEAH, KYON!!! LET'S BRO OUTTA HERE!!!"

As the two of them bumped chests, Haruhi clutched her gurgling belly and groaned. "Do we have to? I'm trying to digest all those steaks I ate. Maybe having seven more wasn't a good id-"

Taniguchi and Kyon weren't listening as they grabbed Haruhi's legs and proceeded to drag her out the door, making sure to bump her head on anything with a rocky point. They went all the way to Kyon's house for some weapons against the Shadows.

"I shall use my schoolbag filled with all my late homework!" cried Taniguchi.

"I will use this desk I stole from school!" cried Kyon.

"And I will use this aluminum bat that I STILL use to mug people!" cried Haruhi.

"Sorry, Haruhi! You can't come!" smiled Taniguchi, while he handed a rope to the angry tsundere. "Main and comic-relief characters only! We're gonna tie this rope to ourselves and you'll yank us out in case anything happens. See ya!"

Kyon frowned. "But I'm not a comic-"

"YOU ARE NOW, BUDDY!" shouted Taniguchi as he and Kyon jumped into the T.V., leaving Haruhi all alone. She sat upon the bed, rope in hand, and began to burp up more steak-bones. The duo found Achakura waiting for them.

"Heya~! I was just walking around and thinking of you two when-" a look of shock over came over Achakura's face, "HEY! YOU GUYS JUST CAME IN THROUGH THE T.V. LIKE THOSE OTHER CHICKS! YOU MUST BE THROWING THEM IN!!!"

"No we're not," Kyon said bluntly.

"Okay."

"I knew that the T.V. world we barely discovered minutes ago had something to do with the murders! Let's solve the case!" yelled Taniguchi.

"Wait! I shall help you as well! Let us join forces!' smiled Achakura.

"Why?"

"Cause you'll need a sweet mascot character, silly!"

"Oh. So who are you really?" Kyon said to the confused chibi as he walked towards her, bent down, and took off her head...

_Pop._

Kyon blinked.

Taniguchi blinked.

Achakura's disembodied head blinked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" they all screamed together.

"Well, now that that's settled," Achakura said, screwing head back on over the dark abyss inside her body, "I'll join you guys. Just call me your guide!"

"Then let's go, gang!" shouted Taniguchi.

"Yeah!" Kyon and Achakura shouted with equal vigor.

They exited Kyon's house and went through a foggy but empty version of his neighborhood. The trio then entered the diner, some Shadows materializing in front of them, taking the forms of vampiric manila folders and teeth-filled binders to reflect Emiri's thoughts on working for the student council. THE BEST BATTLE MUSIC EVER BEGINS TO PLAY.

"Wow! They look hungry!" stated Achakura as a binder tried to nibble Kyon's head and a folder tried to envelop Taniguchi's right arm.

"OW! Get off of me, you freak! And Kyon, too!" Taniguchi yelled as he dug into his pocket to find something chuck at the living folder. He ended up pulling out the card Oruki had given him earlier. It emitted a bright flash of white and blue light.

"Per-So-Na???" The words just sort of fell out of Taniguchi's mouth. The card morphed into an imposing solid shape. The Shadows backed off in horror. It was...

A green balloon animal.

"Hello, friends. Call me Mr. Kimidori if you please," requested the creature in the shape of a cute dog.

"What the hell is that?!" screamed Taniguchi.

"That's your Persona!" squeaked Achakura. "It's like a Shadow but....... it isn't. Think of it as a good version of a Shadow that shows your inner strength."

"My inner strength is a fucking BALLOON ANIMAL?!?! What the hell can he do?!!?"

The Shadows regrouped and lunged at the heroes with the intent on devouring them. Mr. Kimidori acted first, opening his mouth and revealing razor-sharp green fangs that would make a shark envious. He then swiftly tore all the beasts to shreds, ribbons, and confetti.

"Ptooie," said Mr. Kimidori, spitting out a piece of plastic.

"That. Was. Awesome," Taniguchi said slowly while Kyon stood with his jaw gaping.

"Oh, Taniguchi-sensei, that was _so _cool~!!!" gushed Achakura, slipping into pseudo-Japanese and having gotten over the fact that they skipped her tutorial battle instructions.

"Hey! How come you call him sensei and not me?" asked Kyon, slightly peeved.

"Because for some reason, I despise your very guts~!"

".....I should have pissed in your head when I had the chance....."

"Huh?"

Since the author realized he's already gone for eight or so pages without any wild randomness or plot advancement and we're STILL not at the intro boss yet, we're just going to skip ahead to the boss fight. The screen does a cheesy fade-in/fade-out dealie, the entire journey too uneventful and boring to waste depicting here in text. Oh, and we can hear Emiri's thoughts.

_But, Mr. Tanigawa, why do I have to have such a minor role in the anime? _said Emiri's voice as the party walked into a creepy storage room.

_Because what with the new movie coming up, I haven't had the time to think of what to do with you, Kimidori. So be a good little minor character and go make the main ones look important, _said a male voice.

_But, Mr. Tanigawa-_

_FOR THE LOVE OF HARUHI, WOULD YOU GO AWAY AND LET ME COUNT ALL MY FIGMA MONEY!?!?_

"Man, I didn't think Miss Kimidori was so stressed," Kyon said sadly as her sobbing filled the room.

"**Heh. Why are you so sad about her? She wasn't **_**that **_**attractive, pal,**" sneered an oily voice.

Taniguchi, Kyon, and Achakura spun around to see.................. Kyon?

"**Yo. Surprised to see me? Well, I guess it's not every day you meet your twin,**" stated the Kyon-doppelganger, looking exactly like the original, except for some freaky yellow eyes, blue body flames, and a voice that sounded as though someone on Windows used the G-Major sound effect. "**Too bad she had to die, ya know? She really had a sweet rack, huh?**"

"Oh, crap! It's a really strong Shadow!" shrieked Achakura.

Kyon narrowed his eyes. "What are you talking about?"

Shadow-Kyon chuckled. "**I mean the fact that under all that snark and sass, you're a bigger perv than Mr. Wa Wa over there.** **You think you can identify with hotties like Haruhi, but you can't.** **Pieces of meat all around, through and through. You stare at the girl track team in P.E. just as much as the other guys do. And you call THEM perverts? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! Haw haw haw!**"

"That's.... That's.... That's not true!!"

"**Oh, PSHHAAAWW~!!! You totally do! And every day, you wish to be surrounded in a veritable mountain of ponytails, nurses, cheerleaders, maids, and bunnygirls! Ain't that right, handsome?**"

"Okay, what is happening here? Who are you and why do you look like Kyon, Mr. Sham? And for the record I only said that ONCE when I forgot by bag," Taniguchi huffed at the imposter.

"**Who am I you ask?** **Well, I'll tell you all, douches galore! I'm Kyon! Or judging by the one right here, I'm AWESOME Kyon,**" Shadow-Kyon crowed, gesturing flamboyantly.

"Shut up! Just.... SHUT UP!!! Quit saying all that stuff about me! None of it's true!" Kyon's face was beet-red now.

"**Heh heh heh... What's the matter, kiddo? Afraid of the truth? You should be! It's something you can't hide away, like all those secrets that you keep locked down inside! So many secrets.... You just wanna shout'em all out to the wind, don'tcha?! But you can't, 'cause you're not AWESOME like me, John 'ol boy!**"

"Why the hell did that asshole call Kyon John and say all that stuff about secrets? What secrets?" asked a perplexed Taniguchi.

"**Oh, I bet the readers know what I'm talking about,**" Shadow-Kyon said with a subtle wink towards the people reading this fanfic.

"I don't know what you're talking about, you hack... But I know one thing..." Kyon growled menacingly, sucking in a deep breath.

"Oh, crap, he's going to say it..." Achakura slapped her forehead in annoyance.

"Say what?" asked Taniguchi as Kyon screamed out...

"YOU'RE NOT ME!!!"

"**BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! That's right, pal! ...I'm not you anymore. I'm **_**me**_** now. I don't need you around anymore. So, hasta la vista!**" Shadow-Kyon suddenly glowed bright white and became covered in swirling red and black streaks of darkness. A cool rock battle song started up, too. And when the darkness and light cleared, he was gone. Instead, standing in his place was a giant monster. It looked a cross between a bird-cage, a treasure chest, and a chain-covered coffin. Yellow eyes peeked out of a crack in the surface and two enormous pale claws flopped out of the opening. They would have been quite threatening if......

"**I am the Shadow. The true self. And I'm going to flatten you all with my GIANT, YELLOW GLOVES OF DOOMY DOOM!!!**" roared the Shadow-Kyon monster, waving its glove-clad claws around like one of those inflatable-tube guys at a car lot. "**Scared, Kyon? Well, you should be. BECAUSE MY NAME IS CHARLIE AND I LIVE IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!!!**"

Kyon promptly swooned and went to dreamland. Taniguchi and Achakura watched as the horror hopped over to them, chains jingling with each leap.

"Looks like your gonna have to fight this joker! Well........ I'll go cheer over there!" Achakura quickly scuttled away to safety.

"Oh, great! Way to support me there, you midget! I'll handle this freak-of-the-week myself!" Taniguchi shouted, almost shitting himself when he saw how close his adversary was.

"**Did somebody order a boss straight from Uncanny Valley and Nightmare Fuel? BECAUSE HERE I COME, DWEEBS!!!**" Shadow-Kyon giggled spastically as he lunged in for an attack.

Mr. Kimidori materialized immediately, placing himself between his master and his attacker. "I think not. For it is you, who it shall be brought to. Not us. Prepare for death."

"**YAAAAAW!**"

"Yaaaaaaaw."

"YAAAAAW!"

And meanwhile, Haruhi was wondering when she would get more lines.

* * *

**A/N: Why did I split this in three you might ask? There are a few reasons: **

**1. Cause it's for a friend and he REALLY helped me out with something big.**

**2. I had way too many Persona 4 jokes stored up and I wanted to give you guys three separate servings, instead of piling them all on at the same time. I'm a slow typist as well. :(**

**3. If I'm going to eventually write 100 stories for this, then I'll need all the excuses for making more chapters than I can get. Yeah. 100 chapters. You read that right. XD**

**4. I was feeling a little crummy and did want to waste my time and your patience on update that would pan out to 7,000 words or more (I get pretty tired at typing easily AND procrastinate at times- a winning combo).**

**5. It'll give me time to work on some more ideas, one being another THREE-part arc that takes place after this.**

**6. Let's face it: If I posted this in the crossovers section, no one would read it unless I pointed it out.**

**I hope you all have enjoyed this update. The next few chapters are partially written, so I can focus time on jokes for my court case parody. I plan to update faster. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	73. Taniguchi's New Persona: Part 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well, here's the second part. Here's the line-up. **

**Tsuruya- Yukiko**

**Itsuki- Kanji**

**Yuki- Naoto**

**Mikuru- Rise**

**Okabe- Morooka**

**Kunikida- Mitsuo**

**Enjoy and be sure to review!**

* * *

**Part 2: Taniguchi's New Persona:**

And we are back, folks! Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. Taniguchi and Mr. Kimidori, his Persona, were just about to get smacked down by Kyon's Shadow.

"What?" said the aforementioned duo, just as a giant gloved hand came at them.

_**Whap!**_

Taniguchi and Mr. Kimidori were smacked into the wall beside the unconscious Kyon and cowardly Achakura. Shadow-Kyon unleashed a boisterous laugh that sounded like a cross between a hick and a surfer-dude.

"**Haw haw haw haw haw! Eat that, losers!**" he cackled.

"How do we beat this clown?!" Taniguchi yelled to Achakura as Mr. Kimidori fancily dodged some chains being swung at him like whips.

"I'm doing a scan on this guy, right now!" Achakura exclaimed, setting up her laptop and booting up GameFaqs.

"Well, hurry it up!"

"Okay, I'm- AHHH!"

"**Bitch said something to make me mad... She said something that, I couldn't believe... So I grabbed that stupid bitch by her nappy-ass weave...**" sang Shadow-Kyon as he twirled Achakura around by her hair, "**Started talking shit! Wouldn't ya know?! So, I reached back like a pimp, AND I SMACKED THE HOE!**"

Achakura sailed like a missile right into Taniguchi. The two groaned and peeled themselves up from the floor to see Shadow-Kyon extending his claws.

"**You dudes are toast!**"

"Well?! How do we kill this jerkass?!" yelled Taniguchi.

"Well, according to my scan, he doesn't like water for some reason," replied Achakura.

"Water you say? Allow me to lend a paw in disposing of our enemy," said Mr. Kimidori. He floated right up to the box-like monster and opened his mouth. Taniguchi watched in amazement as he began to spit water balloons at the beast. They splattered against Shadow-Kyon's body, the liquids spilling into the cracks. By the time Mr. Kimidori was done, Shadow-Kyon was literally drowning.

"I don't fuck around," Mr. Kimidori said icily as he poofed away.

"_**I'll be *gurgle* back....! *gurgle***_" moaned the monster in its death throes. It then transformed back into its humanoid form just as Kyon came to.

"Urgh.. What happened?" asked Kyon.

"Quick, Kyon! You have to accept your Shadow or else it will go nuts again!" shouted the chibi.

"It will? Well.... Fine. Yes. It's true. I guess I do have a thing for ponytails and that fetish stuff," Kyon admitted guiltily.

Kyon's Shadow glowed brightly. A loud voice suddenly exclaimed, "_Hooray! Kyon has accepted his Shadow! His heart is now filled with trust and friendship, etc. He has gained control of the Persona...._"

The Shadow morphed into a rather scary-looking man wearing a red coat, a red hat, orange glasses, oily black hair, and sharp fangs. He grinned evilly.

"_...Alucard!_"

"Er.... hey," Kyon said shakily, while Taniguchi and Achakura wet themselves.

"Hello, young mortals. Since you've proven worth on the field of battle and I've got nothing better to do, I shall lend you my strength. Call on me whenever you need to send your foes into eternal damnation," said Alucard as he faded into a blue light that became a card went inside Kyon's pocket.

"Was I just violated by a vampire?" questioned Kyon.

"I can't believe we couldn't find out the reason Kimidori ended up in the T.V.... Wait. Didn't you say something about her and Mori getting thrown in here?" Taniguchi asked Achakura.

"Yeah. I guess I did. They said something about getting thrown in by someone before their Shadows got them. Stick around in the Midnight Channel for too long and you'll run into a Shadow version of yourself, who represents your suppressed feelings. Refuse it, and it will develop an identity of its own, and then it goes batfuck insane. That's the general gist of it," replied Achakura.

"....................You must have had one fucked-up childhood."

"I sure did. Christmas was especially hellish."

"So, whenever someone dies here, their body ends up in the outside world in telephone lines?" Kyon asked Achakura.

"I think so."

".........That makes sense. So, we just find whoever's tossing them in and that's the end of the case?"

"Yup! Whoever is doing it, must have some kind of connection to the Midnight Channel..... But I can guarantee, that there will be no surprising twists, either!"

"ALL RIGHT!" Taniguchi and Kyon shouted. They made their way out of the T.V. while Achakura stayed behind. They found Haruhi sitting next to a pile of steak-bones on Kyon's bed. After one hasty explanation...

"All right! This what I've always wanted! Monsters, mysteries, and murders! From now on, the SOS Brigade shall be called the SOS Investigation Team! And I will serve as its captain!" Haruhi announced with a flourish.

**Sorry, Haruhi. You can't be the main leader.**

"Huh? Who said that?" the three teens said almost simultaneously.

**Me.**

"Me? Who's "me"?" Haruhi inquired to Kyon's ceiling.

**Me. You know..... me. I'm the narrator. This is a story with Taniguchi as the lead. Not you. It's his turn in the spotlight.**

"Sweetness!" squealed Taniguchi.

"But wait! I'm the lead heroine! Shouldn't I be in charge? It's MY brigade!!"

**Fine. You can be the main character.... BUT!**

There was a _POOF!_, and before you knew it, Haruhi had become dressed up in a short pink dress with a white apron, and cute pigtails. Haruhi had become a battle-waitress!

"WHAT IS THIS?!?!" Haruhi gestured to the adorable outfit, while Taniguchi and Kyon mentally fapped.

**You're new costume! Now, you can fight the forces of evil in moe-style!**

Haruhi stared at her new duds, before turning back to Taniguchi. "I changed my mind. YOU can be the leader... for now."

"Awwww, I liked battle-waitress Haruhi..." Taniguchi moaned.

"How come you're still wearing the outfit?" Kyon asked.

"Huh? I'm- HEY! Narrator! Give me back my old clothes!" Haruhi commanded, only for the voice to remain silent. "DAMN YOU, NARRATOR! I'm going to get you for this!"

***

**The Next Day...**

***

The SOS investigation Team had met together to discuss the Midnight Channel and murder connections. Meanwhile, the author/narrator was trying to think up another excuse for Haruhi to dress up as a battle-waitress again. All was going well, until............. _IT _appeared.

"HEYA~! It's me! Haruhi's loveable childhood friend, Tsuruya!" the aforementioned Tsuruya exclaimed. "I've come to megas intrude on your big secret meeting, nyoro!"

"Get lost, Tsuruya! We're trying to be amateur detectives! Go eat some smoked-cheese or something else!" Haruhi snapped with a scowl on her lips.

"You're so mean to me, Haruhi! I was gonna shows you and your friends the new lingerie I got to keeps from that commercial I did, but now you can forget it, nyoro!" Tsuruya huffed, storming out of the classroom. Her skirt lifted briefly, revealing the lacy black panties underneath. Taniguchi became extremely grateful for his photographic memory.

"Who was that? I've never met her before," Kyon said to Haruhi.

"That's my friend Tsuruya. She's super-rich and likes to eat cheese of all kinds. Especially smoked. Her family owns an inn here and she does all these big commercials. She's kinda annoying, though," Haruhi replied with a sour look.

"That's pretty harsh, Haruhi," Taniguchi said, furrowing his thin eyebrows. "Black panties is your- I mean- Tsuruya is your pal. You shouldn't act like a jerk to her."

"Oh, come on, Taniguchi! You speak as if that were the very last time I'll ever speak to her."

***

**5 Minutes Later**

***

"GUYS! GUYS! TSURUYA IS GONE!!! THE KILLER GOT HER! WHY WAS I SUCH AN ASSHOLE TO HER!?!?! NOW I'LL NEVER SEE THAT BIG HEAD AND SEXY FANG OF HERS AGAIN!!!" Haruhi sobbed wildly into Kyon's shoulder.

"Er... There, there..." Kyon said unsurely.

"This must be the work of the Midnight Channel! We must venture forth into the T.V. again!" Taniguchi realized.

Haruhi stopped crying instantly, stars in her eyes. "CAN I COME WITH YOU GUYS NOW?! PLEEEEEEASE? I'll be a good little supporting character! Pretty please with sugar on top~?"

"Uh... Sure. We can use all the male eye-candy we need. Achakura's kinda flat, anyways."

"YES!!!"

"What's going on, you brats ?!" roared the voice of their cruel teacher, a lecherous douchebag named Mr. Okabe. "Are you rascals planning something whimsical and entertaining? BECAUSE I WON'T ALLOW IT!"

"No, we weren't," replied the kids.

"Good. You can go home now, even though it's only lunchtime."

As they left, Kyon said to Haruhi and Taniguchi, "Well, that took care of King Moron. Heh."

"Kyon!" Taniguchi said with shock, "We settled on this matter already! We're calling Mr. Okabe Queen Douchebag now, okay?"

"Ah."

The trio ran to a mall downtown (because Haruhi remembered something about Tsuruya wanting to go shopping there after class), and saw the bigscreen T.V. near the food court. They saw Tsuruya's school bag next to a potted plant as well.

"She _was _here!" Kyon observed.

"Okay, my loyal vassals, we're going to charge in there when the coast is clear. I got my bag, Kyon's got his desk, and Haruhi has her bat. We're set," said the ladies man, doing a gear check, and putting on his glasses.

"Actually, I was gonna give Kyon my bat," Haruhi said casually, handing her weapon to Kyon, who accepted it gracefully.

"Then what are you going to use?" Taniguchi rubbed his head in confusion.

Haruhi smiled. "I know this guy who owns this great shop. And he lent me this....." and then the tsundere pulled out a... "MACHINE-GUN!!!"

"PUT THAT DOWN, YOU IDIOT!!!" howled Kyon as Haruhi waved her gun around for all to see.

"Fine. I'll hide it."

Haruhi went around a corner for a few seconds, and returned without her gun.

"Where's your gun?" asked Kyon.

"As of now, my gun is currently in a secure location," answered Haruhi, walking towards the T.V. in a funny way.

"Where?" Taniguchi wondered.

"Kinda hanging out in the spot known as "Directly Up My Ass"," Haruhi grimaced.

".......................That's kinda hot."

"Fuck off."

They entered the T.V., with Tangicuhi and several thousand fans wishing they were Haruhi's machine-gun right now. Kyon and Taniguchi found themselves in a huge mansion instead of a mall. For some reason, Haruhi was nowhere in sight, but Achakura was.

"Oh, hey. Your friend ran off after the girl with the green hair. I introduced myself to her and everything but she took off," said the bite-sized loli. "I shall take you to them!"

Taniguchi and Kyon fought some cheese-shaped Shadows and ones shaped like bags of money. They soon came to Haruhi talking to a Shadow version of herself that looked like herself from the past with long hair.

"**Face it. You date tons of guys, because you're self-conscious. You do it so you won't feel alone in this big boring world!**" said the Haruhi look-alike.

"So what? There's nothing you can say or do to make me upset, you freak," spat Haruhi.

Shadow-Haruhi grinned. "**Santa Claus **_**isn't **_**a ninja.**"

"YOU'RE NOT ME, YOU LYING BITCH!!!"

"**OH, YEAH!!! THAT'S THE TICKET!!!**"

Like Kyon's Shadow, Haruhi's Shadow surrounded herself in darkness and light and transformed. Haruhi then fainted. And instead of the long-haired tsundere Shadow standing there, stood a hideous and fucked-up monstrosity. Actually more like floated. She was a gigantic red snake with black stripes and golden eyes wrapped around a globe. Pressed between the globe and her coils, were several helpless male mannequins. Yellow ribbons were tied around her neck and instead of a regular forked-tongue, the end of her pink extremity resembled a megaphone. Looking closely, Taniguchi, Kyon, and Achakura saw that the stripes on Shadow-Haruhi's body spelled out "Ultra Shadow".

"**I am the Shadow. The true self. I'll swallow down anything that's not fun or exciting! Starting with you losers!**" hissed Shadow-Haruhi, lashing forward with her fangs. Kyon dodged the bite, while Taniguchi sidestepped the tail-whip that followed.

"What's her weakness?" Taniguchi asked.

Achakura scratched her head. "Well, it IS a reptile. Reptiles are cold-blooded, so I don't know.... Fire?"

Wanting to be useful, Kyon summoned Alucard to lend a hand. "Do you know any fire-based attacks?"

Grinning, Alucard snapped his fingers, calling forth a dragon-shaped familiar of his. The shadowy dragon opened its jaws and released a bout of scorching flames. Alucard cackled sadistically as Shadow-Haruhi became engulfed in the blaze. All you Haruhi-haters can start giggling like crazy now.

"**I'm melting! MEEEELTING!!! OH, WHAT A WORLD!!!**" gurgled Shadow-Haruhi, collapsing into her human-form. Normal Haruhi then woke up.

"What happened? Did you guys touch me while I was out?" she asked.

"ACCEPT YOUR FAULTS AND BE FREE~!!!" sang Achakura.

"Do I have to?"

Alucard took out his favorite gun and leveled it right at her head. "_**JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO IT!!!!**_"

"Okay! Okay! Fine, Shadow-me, I guess I'm _kind _of a bitch."

The annoying voice from earlier started up again. "_Haruhi has accepted her Shadow! By accepting her numerous flaws, and brother I really stress on the NUMEROUS part, she has learned to control the Persona..... _"

A 30-foot tall blue giant with three red dots for a face materialized.

"_Celestial!_"

Everyone stared at the mammoth beast as it hunkered down to their level. Celestial (yes, we are calling this dude by his species name, like Toad and Yoshi). Alucard poofed away to..... do stuff. Yeah. That was it.

"Err.... Hey, there...." Haruhi said fearfully. Celestial leaned in towards Haruhi's body and......... and began to nuzzle her.

"MOMMY........" it crooned like a child.

"Huh?" said Haruhi as Celestial turned into a card and went into Haruhi's pocket.

"Now, let's find Tsuruya!" roared Haruhi, charging ahead with her new Persona.

"But, wait, Haruhi!" called Kyon, "Shouldn't we regroup for a bit and then come back to-"

"La la la la la, I can't hear you! La la LAAAAAA~!"

"Oh, that, Haruhi! Always gettin' into mischief!" laughed Taniguchi.

"I hate you," Kyon stated plainly.

And so the trio (and Achakura) went through the gigantic castle-like building. After some shenanigans that the author neglected to put in, the gang found Tsuruya. She wasn't alone, though.

"**Mwas has has has has... Whys can'ts yous accepts thats Is ams yous? Wes evens has thes sames lisps, nyoros!**" lisped Shadow-Tsuruya, who was dolled up like Princess Barbie for some reason.

"But I don't lisps like that all the times, nyoro! You're just a mega knockoff!" growled Tsuruya.

"**Heys, guess whats?**" smiled the genki-copy.

"What?" Tsuruya asked suspiciously.

"**Is HATES smoked-cheeses!**"

"YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY NOT ME, YOU DECEITFUL WHORE!!!"

"**YESSSS!**"

"Oh shit!" Taniguchi, Kyon, Haruhi, and Achakura all said together.

Shadow-Tsuruya shot off right into freaky boss-mode. When the shadowy mist cleared, she had been replaced with a block of smoked-cheese the size of a pickup truck. For some reason, there was a steel crank on its side.

"That doesn't seem very scary or symbolic..." mused Taniguchi, while Tsuruya drooled in puddles.

The top of the smoked-cheese block suddenly popped open and Shadow-Tsuruya made her appearance. She had become a demonic-looking hummingbird, with Tsuruya's head on top in place of a bird head. A long spring attached her into the smoked-cheese box.

"Now THAT is fucked-up," said a wide-eyed Haruhi.

"Nap-time!" chirped Tsuruya, passing out.

"Okay.... That is just stupid..." said Taniguchi, the boss's appearance causing even him to facepalm. Kyon made a mental note to do the same thing later as to preserve his own trademark action.

"**Is ams thes Shadows. Thes trues selfs. Ands I'ms goings tos punishs yous meags meanies! HAS HAS HAS HAS!!!**" laughed Shadow-Tsuruya, bombarding the trio and Achakura with razor-sharp green feathers. They dodged the move and regrouped.

"Even her laugh has a lisp!" groaned Kyon.

"Hmmmm... Judging by the way she attacks..." Achakura was now in deep thought. "AH-HA! I got it! She's half bird and machine! So, she must not like ice attacks! Okay, Haruhi, use-"

But before she could go on, Haruhi had brought out Celestial and the huge Persona was already bringing its fist down on Shadow-Tsuruya.

_**SMASH!!!**_

"Oh. Guess that works too."

"**NOOOOOOOOOS!!! Is don't s likes dyings, nyoros!**" Shadow-Tsuruya screamed as she faded back into their normal form. She stood around with a blank face as Tsuruya herself came to.

"Did I huffs glue again, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked her friends.

"No, honey. Just say you accept the Shadow in front of you, and everything will be cake and cookies!" Achakura assured her.

"Are you one of my hallucinations, chibi?" Tsuruya asked, leaning in close to Achakura's huge head.

"I can assure you, that I am not a drug-induced vision of yours, fang-face."

"Okay.... All right, Shadow-me, I really, really like smoked-cheese. A LOT, actually."

"That was your big acceptance speech?!" Kyon yelled incredulously. "I've heard wiser ramblings from a homeless guy!"

The voice had already been paid his check, so he didn't show up. So in order to sum things up, Tsuruya acquired her Persona: A smaller version of herself.

"All right! It's like me! ...But fun-sized!" laughed Tsuruya.

"Nyroro~n," said Churuya.

"Oh, Tsuruya!" Haruhi shouted, grabbing her friend in a hug, "Don't ever get abducted again!"

"Uh, Tsuruya? Who threw you in here? The T.V. in the mall?" asked Taniguchi.

"Shhhh, guys. Me and Tsuruya are having a serious non-yuri moment," Haruhi whispered. After they were done hugging, Haruhi released the poor girl and filled her in on everything.

"Wow! Monsters! that sounds Mega cool! I'll help, too!" Tsuruya exclaimed. "And for my weapon, I'll use the katana I got for my birthday when I was seven!"

"Yes! Another attractive hottie to the team!" smiled Taniguchi.

"You can say that again!" grinned Achakura, patting Tsuruya on the butt, which earned her a boot to the head. "...Owww."

And after fast-forwarding through some needless exposition, we find the party hanging out in Taniguchi's house. Kyouko entered the house dressed in a police uniform, along with another young woman.

"Hey, Taniguchi! Nice to see you have invited some friends over!" Kyouko greeted them warmly.

"How is it being a cop, Kyouko?" Taniguchi inquired, eyes still on the other girl.

"It's just peachy! I get to carry a gun, tazer, and pepper-spray! Oh, and this is my wonderfully sexy trainee. Her name is Sasaki," Kyouko pointed at the other girl.

"Nice to meet you all," Sasaki said happily, while shooting a cautious look to Kyouko.

"Hello," Kyon said nicely.

"Sup!" said Haruh, with her trademark smile.

"Hey, there, highly unlikely suspect!" smiled Tsuruya, looking up from her plate of assorted cheeses.

"Is it true you're working on the murder case, Kyouko?" Taniguchi asked. Kyouko opened her mouth, but Sasaki answered for her.

"Absolutely. Kyouko is showing me the ropes while we go about looking for clues," Sasaki said casually. "In fact, we actually have ourselves a suspect."

"Really? Who is it?" asked an interested Haruhi.

"Well, we're still trying to get a good background check on the perp," said Kyouko, twisting one of her pig-tails, "But! We have reason to believe that the killer is local bike-punk Itsuki Koizumi. The guy who gets really pissed if you say he's gay."

Sasaki nodded. "Yes. Very suspicious character. He was loitering about the 7/11 by the school when we last saw him."

Kyouko smacked her partner on the shoulder and said, "SASAKI! That's a secret! Don't go putting any ideas in these bright minds! You might give them the idea of actually going to follow Koizumi around! We've already got that new kid with the purple hairdo on the job. That Nagato person. No reason to go looking Koizumi. Ain't that right, guys?"

Taniguchi, Kyon, Haruhi, and Tsuruya had already gone.

Kyouko blinked. "Oh. I guess they went to go and study. I'm sure that they really like you, too, Sasaki."

"Mmmmhmmm... I'm sure all of us will get to be excellent friends soon.... Ha ha ha ha ha....." Sasaki chuckled shiftily.

"Sasaki?"

"Yes, Kyouko?"

"What was that evil laugh all about?"

"I..... was thinking about this joke about a dog. Yes. That's it. Yes, that'll do for now... Mwa ha ha ha..."

"Uh, sure... Let's go have an ice-cream sandwich."

***

**Later With The Magnificent Four... **

***

"What makes you think this Koizumi guys is our guy?" Kyon asked Taniguchi as they all hid in an alleyway.

"Well, he sounds like a thug. And Kyuoko and Sasaki suspect him. That, and I heard he always tends to get into fights a lot. Plus, we've run out of people to accuse," Taniguchi shrugged.

"Huh. That makes sense. In an insanely moronic way, but still."

"Look! There he goes!" pointed out Tsuruya as guy with sandy-brown hair in a leather jacket walked out of the 7/11. He had a beer in one hand and an issue of Cosmo in the other.

"So many ways to please your lover...." Itsuki mused, taking a sip of his beverage. But before the party could make a move, someone approached Itsuki from the shadows. It was someone in a simple blue t-shirt and wearing a navy-blue hat.

"Itsuki Koizumi?" called the person.

Itsuki glanced up and blinked in confusion. "Can I help you............. sir?"

You see, the person facing Itsuki was pretty androgynous-looking. It appeared to be a young man with short purple hair and gold eyes. He looked kind of frail and was shorter than Itsuki. Not only that, but he had a vaguely feminine shape to his waist and hips like an hourglass. The _man _looked at Itsuki oddly.

"Something wrong? You stuttered a bit there?" said the guy.

"Well, you just kinda surprised me there, ummm, sir...." Itsuki said unsurely. Even the SOS Investigation Team was confused.

"Why did you hesitate on the "sir" part?"

"Well, for starters, you're kinda wearing a skirt."

It was true; the person was indeed wearing a short plain skirt.

"Ummm.......... this isn't a skirt."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm wearing.... a kilt."

"In Japan?"

"Did I say kilt? I meant I'm wearing culottes. Yes. Culottes."

"Okay....."

"Anyways..... Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Yuuki Nagato. I just moved here to Inaba. I heard about the recent string of mysterious T.V. murders and I decided to do a book report on them," Yuuki asked softly.

"A book report? On murders?" Itsuki wasn't buying this.

"I really need the extra credit," Yuuki shifted his eyes around sneakily.

"Hmmmm... Despite the fact that you currently possess a feminine face, a hot girl voice fit for a sex-line, nice hands, great legs, and really small boob outlines, I'm going to believe every word you just said," Itsuki announced.

"Excellent! ...I mean... that sounds rad! Now, then, have you heard anything about a certain murderer around town? The T.V. killings? Anything might help," said Yuuki, writing on a notepad.

"Can't say I have."

"I see......"

"Well, if I see anything, I'll let you know then, Nagato. Later, man!" Itsuki said as he began to walk away, passing an electronics store.

"Thank you, Koizumi! And I am indeed a man as you have just said. And now, I'm off to do some manly activities of my own. Yes. Manly activities such as watching the Super Bowl, criticizing my lover on her taste in furniture, driving an automobile, and expelling urine from my fully-functioning penis. Farewell!" Yuuki yelled as she- I mean HE- scuttled off.

"Huh. What a nice guy," smiled Taniguchi. Everyone facepalmed.

"Let's just knock him out and force him to tell us why did all the killings!" shouted Haruhi.

Her shouting had the misfortune of alerting Itsuki to them. "HEY! Are you guys spying on me?!"

"RUN, RUN AWAY!!!" screamed Taniguchi in his best Demyx impersonation as he ran into a wall. Itsuki began to stomp towards them until a shadowy figure sprung out from behind a tree and knocked him into a conveniently placed T.V. that was placed outside for a delivery. Itsuki tumbled into just as the figure zipped away faster than a blue hedgehog.

"Damn you! The SOS Investigation Team/Brigade will eventually get you!" Haruhi threatened as she shook a fist at the long-gone runaway.

"C'mon, guys! We gotta rescue Koizumi, even though we just met him two minutes ago, nyoro!" Tsuruya exclaimed as she leapt into the T.V., the others following suite. Like the other times, Achakura was waiting for them filing her nails.

"Hey, there. Some biker guy ran in. I tried to talk to him, but he screamed something about 'the drugs are finally kicking in after all these years', and ran into that building over there," Achakura said, pointing to a small florist shop behind her.

"Oh, yeah. I heard something about that. Koizumi's mom owns a flower shop around her that also doubles as a manicure spot on the weekends," clarified Kyon.

"And today is only Monday, nyoro......" Tsuruya said sadly, looking at her cheese-coated nails.

And so the fivesome went through the dungeon. They fought Shadows that looked like flowers, nail-files, and guys that looked HARD gay. They eventually came to a sauna, where Itsuki was arguing with his Shadow, who was clad in a towel around the waist.

"For the last time, I am not gay!" growled Itsuki, hands balled into fists.

"**Are too, sugar-muffin!**" crooned Shadow-Itsuki, flouncing around like a ballerina. "**Why can't you accept the fact that I'm you? We both like the same things. Sewing, competitive swimming, and ballroom-dancing!**"

"That does it. I'm nipping this in the bud right now!" Haruhi proclaimed, running away from her friends and up to Itsuki.

"None of that's true because-" Itsuki didn't get to finish as Haruhi swiftly dropkicked him in the head. He was knocked out.

"**What was that?**" asked Shadow-Itsuki, cupping a hand to his ear.

"He said you weren't really him, nyroro!" piped up Tsuruya, Kyon groaning in annoyance.

"**He did? Great! Thanks, honey.**"

"Tsuruya, you idiot!" Haruhi yelled as she tried to hit her.

Itsuki's Shadow then transformed into its monster form: A monochromatic, two-headed jester, his faces resembling the comedy and tragedy theater masks. He held a marionette stand in each claw-like hand as though they were chakrams. And he was also wearing a Speedo.

"**I am the Shadow. The true self. AND I'M GOING TO RAAAPE YOOOUUU!!!**" Shadow-Itsuki grinned.

"Not if I can helps it! Go, Churuya!" Tsuruya cried, summoning her Persona. Churuya took out two slices of smoked-cheese and leaped over Shadow-Itsuki's swipes. Using them as daggers, the chibi cleaved the fiend into two halves.

"Do not doubt the power of cheese. Nyoro~n," Churuya put away her.... 'weapons' as she vanished into blue mist.

"**But I can't lose! I'm Itsuki's GAY Shadow in his GAY dungeon! I had GAYNESS on my side!! WAAAAAAAHHHH!!!**" Shadow-Itsuki whined, turning back into his old-self. To be quick, Itsuki recovered and accepted his Shadow.

"I kinda do like looking at other guy's butts..." he admitted, twisting a heel into the dirt.

And Ituski's Shadow became.......... the Persona Zero!

"ALL HAIL THE BLACK KNIGHTS!!!" shouted the caped anti-hero.

"Neat!" smiled Itsuki.

And they explained the whole thing to Itsuki. No expository dialogue was needed whatsoever. But here's a rough draft of what happened.

"Help us find the killer by fighting monsters and jumping into T.V.s, "said Taniguchi.

"Okay," said Itsuki.

"Yay," said everyone else.

That better? Good. Itsuki went back to attending school with everyone else as they did more searching. It was relatively uneventful, until...........

"HEY, GUYS!!! You'll never believe what just happened!" Taniguchi squealed giddily like he was about to piss himself. "She's coming to our school! She wants to be a student just like us! What if she wants to join our class? OH, MY GOD, THAT WOULD BE EPIC!!! Should I wear anything spe-"

Haruhi clamped a hand over Taniguchi's mouth to shut him up. "Who's coming to our school?"

Taniguchi pried her off and said, "Only Japan's hottest pop-star ever! Mikuru Asahina!"

"Who's that?" asked Itsuki.

Mr. Okabe's eyes went wide and he ran over. "WHO'S MIKURU ASAHINA?!?! How can you not know, you ignorant prick! She's only Japan's cutest, hottest, sexiest, sweetest singing sensation ever to exist! I should know! I'm the president of her fan club! I got everything! Mikuru plushies, Mikuru t-shirts, Mikuru stickers, and even the patented Mikuru home-pregnancy test! Oh, how I dream of you night after night, my precious Mikuru-sama.............."

The gang backed _far _away from their possibly-pedophiliac teacher to discuss.

"So, she's like the Hilary Duff of Japan?" deadpanned Haruhi.

"Yup. Only more hotter and talented," replied Taniguchi.

"I see."

"As do I," said Yuuki.

"Whoa! How did you get there?" Kyon pondered.

"I am very sneaky. Be seeing you, possible suspects."

"Huh?"

"Oh. Nothing. Hey, look. A bird."

As soon as they looked, Yuuki jumped out the window. A boy with brown hair walked up to them. It was Kyon's old friend Kunikida.

"Hey, Tsuruya... I was wondering if you weren't busy we could go out and....." Kunikida twiddled his fingers about.

"GO AWAY, KUNIKIDA. NO ONE LIKES YOU," Haruhi said bluntly, chucking an eraser at Kunikida. Tsuruya began to laugh obnoxiously, causing him to flee...... and plan.....

_**DUN-DUN-DUN!**_

"Geez, Haruhi, do you think you could tone down the 'obnoxious asswipe' dial a little," Kyon scowled. But before Haruhi could kill him, a beautiful girl entered the room. She had red hair and a body to die for. Mikuru Asahina, Japanese singing idol.

"Heya~! I hope we can all be good friends for the rest of the school year," Mikuru said sweetly, placing a hand on Kyon's chest, causing him to almost melt into a puddle of hormonal goo. Haruhi wanted to decapitate a kitten.

"H-H-H-H-H-Hi!" Kyon chirped in a very cracked and high pitched voice, "My name is Imouto, and my biggest fan Kyon is your little sister....!"

"That's great! It's always nice to meet my fans! I moved out here to get away from it all. See you all later~!" Mikuru winked at them all and ran off.

Taniguchi looked dreamily at Kyon. "She touched you."

"I will never take this blazer off again," Kyon proclaimed like a decree.

"Well, she was a very pleasant young woman," Itsuki smiled.

"GRAH," grahed Haruhi.

"I like her too! Hope nothin' bad happens to her, nyoro!" Tsuruya said out loud.

And two seconds later, Mikuru was kidnapped. Kyon jumped into the nearest T.V. after he heard. Taniguchi was next.

_I hope the Shadows eat her boobs first...._ Haruhi thought nastily as she followed Itsuki and Tsuruya.

They went through a dungeon that part-strip club and part-clock shop. It was full of slutty Shadows and evil cuckoo birds. Mikuru was up ahead, screaming at her Shadow who was pole-dancing.

"**YOU'VE GOT THE CURSE OF CURVES!!!**" sang the Mikuru imitator, gyrating wildly, her bikini top threatening to fly off. Millions of fan-boys then locked themselves in the bathroom.

"You're not me!" said Mikuru defiantly.

"Why are my Nightmare Fuel-senses acting up?" Itsuki wondered to himself.

Like her predecessors, Shadow-Mikuru morphed as well. What was once a beautiful, busty girl in a swimsuit became a giant feminine figure clad in a black leather bodysuit, with a zipper for a mouth, and a red ponytail sticking out of the back of her head. A clock-face was embedded into her chest, and instead of hands, her arms ended in razor-sharp clock-hands. The female demon rubbed her blade-like weapons together like a praying mantis.

"HOLY SHIT, THAT IS FREAKY AND HOT," Achakura observed, while Mikuru blacked out.

"**I am the Shadow. The true self. Let's see how you freaks like being treated as meat!**" Shadow-Mikuru cackled.

Haruhi and the others laughed. "Oh, COME ON! You're Mikuru's Shadow. MIKURU. She's harmless! Mikuru could never hurt a fly! So as her Shadow, you must have really crappy stats-"

Shadow-Mikuru then utterly PWNED the party with her nastiest attack. "**I'MMA FIRIN' MAH LAZAR! BLAAARGH!!!**"

"What the fu-"

_**BOOOOOM!!!**_

Somewhere, a skull pilot laughed. Shadow-Mikuru began to charge another attack as the gang tried to pull themselves together. Achakura stepped forward and glowed like a DBZ character.

"I feel a strange power within me! It must be my new-found love for my friends!" she concluded.

"Or a really cheap plot-device to ensure we aren't killed," piped up Itsuki.

"...Oh, hush up."

Achakura then freaking killed Shadow-Mikuru. It was epic, I say. Oh, and Mikuru got her Persona. Some little stuffed lion plushie.

"So cuuuute~!" giggled Mikuru, petting Muu-chan.

"Well," said Taniguchi, "I guess that means we can go now. No surprise boss battles or anything!"

"**I beg to differ! Because now that Achakura has gained a sense of individuality, she can have a Shadow. And that would be ME!**" shouted Shadow-Achakura leaping from out of Achakura's silhouette. She looked like a mature version of the chibi in a North High uniform. She was also carrying a hotpot.

"Now, how is that supposed to be scary, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked as Achakura fainted. Shadow-Achakura responded by flinging its contents onto the gang.

"AAAIIIEE!!! IT BURNS!!!" howled Kyon as he clawed steamed veggies out of his eyes.

"I shall take the place of your mascot friend!" shouted Mikuru. "And just by looking at that creature, I can tell that her weakness is........ her eyebrows!"

"Eyebrows, huh? Looks like it's time for a make-over! Go, Zero!" Itsuki called his Persona, who unsheathed a ceremonial sword. With a single slice, Zero cut off Shadow-Achakura's caterpillar brows.

"**NOOOOOOO!!! My favorite body-part! The indignity of it all!**" whined the yandre as she melted away. And then Achakura woke up.

"I get a Persona too? Schweetness! Okay, I-I-I....... What are my faults again?" she said out loud.

"Just accept me, you idiot! I wanna be near that sexy Kyon~!" purred Achakura's Persona, a further deformed version of herself with a cat-like face named Ashakura.

"Okey-dokey, artichokey!"

"Even though I don't quite know what's going on, I want to join this ragtag group of misfits. It must be better than agreeing to sleep with my manager!" smiled Mikuru, while Muu-chan meowed in agreement.

"All right! With our new team assembled, the killer doesn't stand a chance! Let's go, SOS Investigation Team!" shouted Taniguchi.

"YAAAY!" said everyone else.

They left the T.V. world ready to take on the next challenge. The only difference was that Achakura was with them!

"Achakura?! How did you get here?!" Kyon shouted as the midget began to stumble about.

"Maybe it's because she accepted her Shadow?" offered Mikuru.

"I feel strange......" Achakura placed her hands on her head, and before anyone could do anything, she took it off. The party gasped. A teenage girl with dazzling blue hair emerged from Achakura's body. She swung her hair around like she was in a shampoo ad.

"Holy cow! Achakura got hot!" shouted Tsuruya, gesticulating wildly at her new figure.

"Oh, yes. You guys can call me Ryoko from now on," she smiled.

"Why?" asked Taniguchi.

"I think it's my real name...."

"Uhhh, sure."

"Well, that's just fine and dandy," Haruhi said with a saccharine smile. "But..... Ryoko.... There's one thing I think we need to do."

"What's that?" Ryoko asked, oblivious to the stares and leers she was getting from Kyon and Taniguchi (even Itsuki was giving a side-glance).

"We just have to... PUT SOME CLOTHES ON YOU!!!!" Haruhi screeched, pointing at Ryoko's bare curves.

"...Do I have to wear clothes?" Ryoko pleaded to Taniguchi.

Taniguchi put on his best chivalrous face and said, "Well, Haruhi, if Ryoko feels comfortable........."

"PUT SOME CLOTHES ON HER! NOW."

"........................................Damn."

***

**Several Days Later.......**

***

"Now, whatever shall we do?" asked Mikuru as they all sat around some lunch tables. Ryoko was with them, wearing her mascot costume like a suit with the head off. After setting her up at Taniguchi's (he insisted), they had gone around doing pointless school activities to level up, and hadn't found any more clues. They even went on a field-trip and met with the cast of Death Note cosplaying as the cast of Persona 3. After Taniguchi was almost killed by a furious Mello for hitting on him, they went to a club where Yuuki tried to get them drunk.

"So..... are you guys the killers?" he asked.

"No," said the party.

"Kay, then."

Then they all played a game called The King's game. A single person draws a toothpick and gets to be "King". Then the King picks a number and makes the person do something. Kyon got to be King first.

_Heh heh heh... Now, Haruhi, that blowjob will be MINE!!! _he thought with a cackle.

...But Kyon got Itsuki instead.

"Thank you for selecting me!" Itsuki grinned, only to frown as Kyon jumped out the window. "Oh, well. Oooh! Looks like I'm King now! I can't wait for Taniguchi to give me a lap-dance!"

"SAY WHAT NOW?!" screeched the player.

"Oh, nothing. I pick number six! Who did I get?" asked the sexually-questionable biker.

"Ryoko," answered Haruhi.

"Oh, goodie! I've never given anyone a lap-dance before! I'll be very gentle, Itsuki~..." Ryoko said cutely with a wink. Itsuki then joined Kyon out the window. While Ryoko pouted, Taniguchi became King. He got a tipsy Mikuru, who was made to lean against his shoulder

"Mmmmmm... You feel so soft, Taniguchi....." slurred Mikuru, placing her head on the silver-haired boy's shoulder.

_MUST... FIGHT... BONER..._ Taniguchi thought through gritted teeth. And meanwhile, Haruhi and Tsuruya made out with each other, while Yuuki downed a Bud Light. Because beer is a manly drink. But back to the gang's spot at lunch....

"Oh, look! A letter!" smiled Tsuruya, ripping off a piece of paper that had been tacked onto Ryoko's costume. "Let's see what it says, nyoro!"

_To the SOS Investigation Team,_

_I, the killer, have taken out Mr. Okabe. Why did I do it? Because he was a freaking pain in my ass, that's why. You'll never take me alive!_

_Signed, The Killer._

_P.S.: I am definitely NOT background character you guys met earlier and didn't even consider to suspect. Later._

"Oh, no! Mr. Okabe is dead! I'll miss him.... maybe," Taniguchi half-heartedly lamented.

"Who cares about that guy! What about me? I still have a freaking machine-gun stuck up my ass! Do you know what it's like having something like that up inside your colon?! I haven't taken a shit in days! My doctor says it will be a miracle if I live up to thirty-two! I CAN'T GET IT OUT!!!!!" Haruhi screamed, pointing at her butt. No one noticed or cared.

"I wonder who he or she is....." mused Itsuki just as Kyouko walked by.

"Oh, hey, guys! We caught the killer! Want to go down to the station and throw fruit at him? It'll be great!" the blond squealed in delight. The group, curious to see who it was, went down with Kyouko to the station. Upon reaching the killer's cell, they saw it was open and Sasaki was lying on the floor.

"What happened, Sasaki?!" Kyouko screamed, helping her up and copping a feel.

"The killer got away..... Quit touching my boob...." Sasaki passed out.

"I'll never leave your side!" cried Kyouko, who began to make out with a struggling Sasaki.

"Let's go into the T.V. and nab the creep," Taniguchi whispered to the party, keeping his eyes on the two girls lezzing out in front of him the whole time.

The party then entered a T.V. in the backroom and battled their way through a Super Mario Bros./Pac-Man/Tower of Druga-type dungeon. When they got to the end, they encountered a stereotypical boss-door.

"Okay, guys. The killer is most likely behind this door. Let's break in and nab him!" announced Taniguchi.

"Yeah! Give him a taste of vigilante-style justice!" grinned Haruhi.

"The best kind of justice!" laughed Tsuruya.

"Despite the fact that if we did this in real-life, we would probably be seriously injured!" smiled Itsuki.

Mikuru buried her face in her hands. "Maybe I should have remained in show business."

At the count of three, the group charged through the door into a coliseum-like room. And standing in the middle of it was.....

"YOU! How could you be the killer?! You're my second best friend and wingman!" Taniguchi cried.

"I knew there something fishy about you," hissed Kyon.

"GASP!!!" gasped Haruhi, Mikuru, Itsuki, Tsuruya, and Ryoko (despite the fact that only Haruhi and Tsuruya knew the person- the others just didn't want to feel left out).

"Heh," snickered Kunikida, hands folded behind his back and a sneer on his lips, "That's right, you lamers... I'm the killer."

"But why, Kunikida! I thought we were friends!" whined Taniguchi at the discovery of his semi-best friend's secret life.

"I think 'were' is the keyword here, pal," frowned Kunikida.

"Yeah! Why'd you kill Kimidori, Mori, and Okabe?!" demanded an angry Kyon.

"I don't have to tell any of you! The point is, that it was me! I am the killer.... _IT WAS ALL ME!!! _And now since you've learned my secret, I am going to destroy each and every one of you freaks! Prepare to feel the wrath of the background! _**BWA HA HA HA HA!!!**_"

"I can't believe my friend from junior high is a serial killer!" cried Kyon.

"I can't believe I'm going to die a virgin!" cried Haruhi.

"I can't believes this could have been avoided if I had only gone out with him, nyoro!" cried Tsuruya.

"I can't believe I'll never know the touch of my dream-man.... er.... woman! Yes! DREAM-WOMAN!!!" cried Itsuki.

"I can't believe I listened to you idiots and agreed to put my life in danger!" cried Mikuru.

"I can't believe I'm going to die without seeing any of my female teammates fully naked...." lamented Taniguchi, earning glares from all his female associates.

"And I can't believe it's not butter!" exclaimed Ryoko, holding up a small tin of non-fat butter for emphasis. "Hey, people! Stick around! We'll be back with more Persona 4 and Haruhi jokes! It will be bear-y funny!"

Taniguchi raised a grayish eyebrow. "Did you just say-"

"NO!!"

**A/N: Heh heh heh, it's always the quiet ones, huh?**

**The finale is up next. Will the SOS Investigation Team stop Kunikida? Is Yuuki a TRAP? Did the author symbolize the Shadows good enough? Will Haruhi get the machine-gun out of her ass? Will Taniguchi get laid? Is there ANOTHER villain around? Will Mikuru get more lines next time? And who is Itsuki's long-lost son? Tune in next time for the answers!**

**...And I was kidding about the last question.**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	74. Taniguchi's New Persona: Part 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: And here's the third part. Sorry for the massive wait. I may put this story on hold for just a bit. School has started up again for me. That means I'll be dedicating some of my time and energy into....... ick... HOMEWORK.**

**Here's the last cast line-up:**

**Fujiwara- Namatame**

**Sasaki- Adachi**

**Cave Cricket- Ameno-sagiri**

**Kuyou- Izanami**

* * *

**Part 3: Taniguchi's New Persona:**

"Well, after that LOOOOOOOOOONG intermission, looks like I can finally kill you guys! No more will I only make minor appearances in the stupid light novels. It's all for Kunikida now!" Kunikida said nefariously. He took a few steps towards them and fell flat on his face. It was then that a shadowy version of Kunikida appeared behind him.

"**...I am... empty...**" whispered Shadow- Kunikida.

"HEY! Would you be quiet for a damn minute! Ever since I got here you've been going emo on me! Shut up for a few minutes, okay?" Kunikida growled at his shady copy.

"Oh, my gosh! Which one's the Shadow!" exclaimed Haruhi in complete shock.

Upon hearing this, the normally silly Tsuruya spun around glared at Haruhi through the glasses Ryoko had provided for them all. "GEE, HARUHI! I have an inkling it's the one with the hunched-over back, glowing yellow eyes, a blue-purple aura on it, and a fuckin' demonic voice, nyoro!!"

"God damn it, Haruhi, you've been with us for HOW many bosses now?!?" Kyon frowned.

Haruhi blinked and glared at them all. "Well, ex-CUSE me for trying to be dramatic! At least give me some sympathy! I STILL have a machine-gun up my butt!"

Ryoko stepped in between the two arguing parties. "Friends, please! I finally achieved a human form in such a short time ago, and I don't want to see my best friends quarreling! But right now, the most important thing we have to do is to make sure Kunikida does not say-"

"YOU'RE NOT ME!!!" Kunikida screeched at his Shadow causing it to morph. He passed out a second later.

".............Well, shit-waffles."

The Shadow stretched, contorted, and morphed itself into...... Ayano Minegishi from Lucky Star.... cosplaying as Decoy Octopus from the Metal Gear Solid series.

Yes. You read that right. And, no, you are not high...... Though, you are probably wishing you were.

"Hee hee. His Shadow's a girl," Mikuru laughed.

"**I am the shadow... The true self...** **Prepare to sink into the endless abyss of the background!**" shouted Ayano. If you actually thought that the author would still refer to her as Shadow-Kunikida, then you must be tripping on the same amount of acid he's on as well.

"C'mon, guys! Let's take down this militaristic loli!" exclaimed Taniguchi. "I can see the ending credits already!"

"All right!" shouted everyone else, summoning their Personas.

"I shall battle using this glove studded with combat knives that I oh so conveniently picked up from out of nowhere!" smiled Ryoko.

Ayano began by opening fire with a rocket-launcher, hurling grenades, and turning invisible to evade attacks. Taniguchi bashed away, Kyon threw fire spells, Haruhi tossed ice spells, Tsuruya conjured wind spells, Itsuki used thunder spells, Ryoko used slicing techniques, and Mikuru dusted the dirt off of her skirt at her. After a long and epic battle..........

...

...

...

...

They won.

Ayano fell to her knees, clutching at her chest with a solemn expression. "**So.... It seems I have lost. Perhaps it was my destiny to fade away. Oh, well. I'm just gonna go away and see what Miaso's doing.**"

And so Ayano poofed away; mainly because Kunikida was an asshole and the part didn't need an extra member because seven people is enough. The unconscious Kunikida was then brought back to the real world and placed in his cell. The SOS Investigation Team decided to celebrate.

"All right! We have triumphed! Now, SOS Investigation Team, and my wonderful girlfriend, let's have a party!" announced Taniguchi, wrapping an arm around Haruhi. She grimaced and pulled away.

"Yeah...... Taniguchi, I broke up with you, remember?" Haruhi said with a frown.

"Really?! When?"

"Weeks ago! And I've been shouting this fact at you for FIVE days, now!"

"...........Huh. Still, there is absolutely NOTHING that can break my mood! Nothing!"

Kyouko then proceeded to walk by everyone, munching on a jelly-donut. "Oh. Heya, guys. We did a DNA test and some interrogation and it turns out Kunikida only killed Mr. Okabe. Looks like the killer's still on the loose. Oh, and Yuuki Nagato went to go use himself as bait and is most likely in serious danger. Well... BACK TO WORK!!! TRA-LA-LA-LA-LAAAA~!!!"

"YES! It's all true! I'm a poser! WAAAAHHH!!!" whined Kunikida.

"Ah, crap."

"I wonder where Yuuki could have gone?" Itsuki pondered. Just then, his phone rang. Taking it out of his pocket, the brunette decided to answer it. He recognized the collar I.D. in an instant.

"Hello? This is Itsuki," he answered.

"God damn it, Itsuki, where the hell have you been?! You haven't been home in weeks!" shouted a male voice on the other end.

"Uncle Yutaka, is that you? Is everything okay at the shop with you, mom, and uncle Keiichi?"

"No! Everything has gone to hell, you Fruit-loop! You're mom is up to her neck in unpruned posies! Your uncle went to some town called Hinamizawa and has been hysterical ever since he came back! And I've been up to my elbows in angry middle-aged women demanding manicures! And on top of all that, some weird kid with purple hair showed up looking for you and got dragged off by some weirdo! Do you know what this means? The cops will probably show next! AND MURDER IS BAD FOR BUSINE-"

Itsuki hung up his phone. "I think Yuuki got kidnapped."

"Another dungeon? Aww, man! I just wanna sits and takes a nap!" pouted a pooped-out Tsuruya.

"I say we rescue Yuuki! No serial-killer kidnaps a minor acquaintance of mine and gets away with it!" Haruhi waved her machine-gun in the air threateningly.

"Ummmm, Haruhi? How did you get your machine-gun back? I thought it was.... you know...." Kyon shuffled his feet uncomfortably.

"I went to the police doc in the back room. Pulled it out just like that! Hurt like a mother, though. Don't worry. I washed it three times to get the smell off!"

Sure enough, a police doctor walked past the group carrying his gloves in a plastic baggie that he quickly set on fire. The others made disgusted faces and edged away from a confused Haruhi. Soon, the whole group entered the world of Yuuki's psyche. It looked like a sci-fi novel style base of operations with shiny metal walls and machines. Weird symbols decorated everything. Shadows that resembled the Transformers ambled about. Oddly enough, Michael Bay didn't appear to have them explode. They grinded their way to where Yuuki was. As expected, he was talking to his feminine Shadow, who was dressed in a cardigan and bunny-ear headphones.

"**Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.... I am you...**" Shadow-Yuuki sneered.

Yuuki blinked dully at the imitation. "I can see that. You are clearly me."

"**Heh heh heh... Yessss... Reject me and- wait. Did you just **_**admit **_**that I'm you?!**" Shadow-Yuuki asked incredulously.

"Of course. There's no denying it anymore. I admit I have some issues with living up to the same standards as my idols in the field of justice, but I shouldn't let that drag me down. So what if I'm a girl? Big deal. Women have broken barriers in the past before. I shouldn't have gone undercover as a boy in the first place. Why should I give up on my dreams? I, _Yuki _Nagato, fully accept my gender, faults, and whatever else may come with them," Yuki said to "herself" freely.

"WOW! Yuuki was a hot chick all along!" Taniguchi said in disbelief. Everyone behind him began to wonder if Haruhi would make a better leader, but then they saw her cleaning her nails with Ryoko's knife-glove and remained silent.

"**Well, damn it all! I was gonna transform into a Gundam boss and everything!**" screeched Shadow-Yuuki melting away into Yuki's Persona. It was a large battle-mech that almost matched Celestial in size.

"_All right! Yuuki... or is it Yuki? Anyway, the Persona __Tengen Toppa Gurren__ Lagann_ _has been unlocked!_" said the voice. "_And now.... I'm going home._"

The large robot morphed into the signature blue card and went into Yuki's pocket. Then they explained the situation to her in five easy sentences.

"So these monsters called Shadows live in the T.V...."

"Uh-huh..."

"We fight'em with things called Personas..."

"Uh-huh..."

"And the killer is throwing people in the T.V.s so the Shadows can kill'em..."

"Uh-huh..."

"And now, we need you to help us find the killer before he strikes again."

"Sure."

"Awesome."

Now, folks.... Wasn't that simple?

"But, Taniguchi, I thought seven people was enough for our party," Kyon brought up to his silver-haired leader.

"KYON, DENY ME THE APPEARANCE OF ANOTHER HOT GIRL IN OUR GROUP, AND SO HELP ME, I WILL SLAP YOU...." Taniguchi threatened, shaking like a small annoying dog. Kyon backed off in an instant. Not because he was afraid, but more like he didn't want to be in range of a pissy greaseball's rant on women.

"If we only knew who the killer really was..." Mikuru said timidly as they walked around the school after exiting the T.V.. That's when Yuki stopped them all.

"Actually... I know who the killer might be," she whispered mysteriously to the gang's surprise. "I didn't quite make out his face, but he had a wicked sneer."

Tsuruya gasped. "You mean..... KYON IS THE KILLER!?"

"I knew it!" accused Ryoko.

Kyon facepalmed. "I was always _right _there when the kidnappings took place, you morons."

"Wasn't there a guy who had a sneer in an earlier chapter? That guy?" said Haruhi, pointing at Fujiwara. He was across the street with a screaming Imouto in his arms.

"Ahhhhh! Somebody help me!" she cried in terror.

"Shut up, kid! I'm trying to help you!" Fujiwara yelled at the wee tot. He dove right into a T.V. standing there right in the middle of the street, that served no other purpose other than to have him jump into it. Kyon howled in a rage at his sibling's abduction and charged in with the rest of them following. They ended up in a dungeon made up of clouds that was without a doubt gonna be easier than Chapter 7 of Super Paper Mario. Seriously, Nintendo? Did you guys just get lazy with the editing for that fucking nightmare? I will now and forever hate sky levels because of that chapter. Thanks a lot.

As the author made nonsensical rage-induced rants, Taniguchi said, "Huh. I don't see any Shadows."

"That's because little Imouto is in possession of a pure an noble soul. Without any darkness in her heart, there aren't any negative emotions for the Shadows to feed on," Ryoko informed him.

"Wow. That's pretty awesome."

"Yes... Well... Either that, or the author got bored think up new Shadows for us to fight."

"....Oh. Lame."

A dove flew down and pecked Taniguchi several times in the eyes. "OWW!!!" he yelled in pain.

After the party was done laughing at him, they spotted Fujiwara with Imouto on some altar.

"Now, just stay here and you'll be okay," Fujiwara said in a soothing voice.

"Fuck you!" shouted Imouto.

"Kid, I am THIS close to raping you, right now..."

"Give me back my sister!" growled Kyon at the insane madman.

Fujiwara merely sneered. "No way! What I'm doing is good. By throwing the people in the T.V.s, I save them from dying. I'm a hero! See? You guys are all alive!"

"That's because we got outta them in time before we gots killed by the Shadows, ya big dummy!" pointed out Tsuruya.

"Sir, for disturbing the peace, and causing these young men and women the pain of going on nightmarish journeys of self-discovery, I hereby place you under arrest, Fujiwara," Yuki declared flashing her badge at the man. He merely looked down at her and scoffed, while Imouto squirmed in his iron grip.

"HA! Lies! And you can't arrest me, officer! Because of me, people aren't dying anymore! I'm going to save this girl here, and there's naught a thing you can do to stop me!" Fujiwara proclaimed.

Yuki shrugged. "Oh, well. It was worth a shot. If anybody needs me, I'll just be standing here with my hand on my hip and leaning at an angle, looking forlornly into the sunset. Have to provide my fangirls and boys with a cool pose at one point, you know."

As Yuki proceeded to do just that, Haruhi pulled a Kyon-esque facepalm. "My god, you are an _awful _cop."

Taniguchi thought fast. The guy was clearly nuts. How to get Imouto away from him without getting her hurt..... Then he had his plan. It was full-proof! It was most certain to work!

"Hey, Fujiwara. I see candy over there!" Taniguchi called out, pointing to an imaginary Twizzler.

"Where?!" he asked excitedly, glancing around and turning to see Imouto back with the others, "OH, DAMN IT!!! You ruined my plan! Now that kid will be in danger and- Ack! GWAAARGHHHHHHH!!!"

"What's happening to him?" Haruhi asked Ryoko as Fujiwara became covering in squirming dark streaks of energy.

"He's turning into his own Shadow because of all his pent up negative emotions," Ryoko stated with mere hand-wave.

"Has this happened before?" Mikuru pondered out loud.

"Nope."

"And you knew this exactly _how_?"

"I had a hunch."

"A HUNCH?! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"Actually, I have more theories but I'm not sharing them with the hussy who stole my job!"

As the red-head and the blunette began to duke it out, Itsuki turned to a disturbed Taniguchi and Kyon and said, "Now, you see... This is why I don't show much of an interest in women that much."

Meanwhile, Fujiwara morphed into his own Shadow. For some odd reason, it was an enormous angel with a huge watch-halo dealie on its head, satellite-dish wings, and wearing a mask built in the likeness of the Awesome Smiley.

"**I am the shadow... The true self.** **Chill, bros. Aren't we all just petals in the flower garden of life?**" Fujiwara's Shadow asked calmly, giving them all the peace sign.

"HOLY SHIT! IT'S A HIPPY!!!" Mikuru cried in terror.

"FROM OUTER SPACE!!!" broke in Ryoko.

"HIPPIES KILLED MY GRANDPARENTS, NYORO!!!" sobbed Tsuruya.

"KILL IT!!!" snarled Haruhi.

"I like him," smiled Itsuki.

"**Aw, man. Don't be hatin' on me, my coolios. I'm just tryin' to help the world. Ain't nuthin' wrong with that.**"

"YOU MUST DIE!!!" screamed Kyon.

"Dude, your last name wouldn't happen to be Ganon, now would it?" Taniguchi asked.

"NO."

"Okay, okay..."

They then proceed to fight the semi-peaceful Shadow-Fujiwara. He was a pretty tough customer, what with his flower-buzzsaws, lightning bolts, and hugs and kisses move. Regardless, the SOS Investigation Team won when Haruhi just decided to pull out her machine-gun and blasted away at him, all to the tune of "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Fujiwara then became his regular self. Oh, and Imouto went into a coma for some reason.

"Brother..." she called out weakly.

"Minor loli-fanservice character!" Kyon yelled in anguish.

***

**At the Hospital....**

***

And so the gang went to the hospital to wait for Imouto's recovery. Fujiwara had his own room, too. Before long, the head doctor came out with Imouto's clipboard.

"How will she be doctor?" Kyon asked.

The doctor adjusted his glasses. "Well, my boy, she's going to be fine...."

"YES!"

".....Is what I would say if the situation was okay. Your sister is dead."

Kyon punched out the doctor and fell to his knees crying. Everyone else put their head down as a dramatic swell of music came over them. Taniguchi gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. Fujiwara was going to pay! The slightly moronic protagonist ran off to his room and threw himself in, the rest of the party following. Fujiwara looked up from his green Jell-O plate.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Because of you, we lost our loli, you bastard!" Taniguchi snarled, while shaking Fujiwara's collar. The other glared at him, too.

Fujiwara sighed. "Look. Not that I've had time to think about it, I realize you guys were right. What I did was probably wrong. But know this. I may have thrown your friends in the T.V., but I didn't throw that Mori woman, Kimidori girl, or that Okabe guy. Someone else did."

"Really? Who, then?"

"I don't know..."

**All right, I can't take it anymore. Sasaki is the bad guy. There. I spoiled it for you all. **

"SHE WAS?!?!" cried the whole cast in the hospital. At that moment, Sasaki herself and Kyouko walked through the hospital door.

"Did someone say my name?" asked Sasaki.

"You're the killer!" accused Taniguchi.

Kyouko stepped back with a shocked look on her face and exclaimed, "REALLY?! Sasaki, why?!?!"

At this, Sasaki blinked repeatedly, before a vile grin came over her face. "So...... you fools, all know then, huh?"

"Actually, the narrator tolds us, nyoro!" piped up Tsuruya.

"No matter! Yes! It was me! I am the killer! I had you all played from the very beginning! It was I who killed Mori and Kimidori!" Sasaki crowed.

"Why would you go and do that?!" Taniguchi asked the crazed girl.

"Because, I cheated slightly in cram school. I was the only student to have passed with a perfect score on my final exam and they held a big ceremony for me. But somehow, my cliff-notes got uncovered and Mori caught wind of it. She just kept sniffing around. I couldn't let her reveal it to the public. So when she came to my house to question me for her story, I shoved her into the T.V.. I didn't _know _she'd fall into it. It... was like magic. I thought I was home free. Until I heard Mori had left the local cafe that Emiri Kimidori had worked at. Mori had mentioned making a copy of my notes, and left them in her bag at the cafe by mistake. So I went down there. Miss Kimidori..... just should have stayed out of my way. But somehow, when I pushed them in, their images showed up on the T.V.s at midnight for some reason. Fujiwara saw them on T.V. and thought it was a sign as to who killed them and who might be next. He was partially right. And guess who picked up the phone when he called with this suspicion?" Sasaki asked, an icy gleam in her eyes. Fujiwara hid his face in shame.

"You?" Taniguchi tried to match her stare but failed horribly.

"Indeed. I told him that since no one would believe him, he should handle the manner himself. Soon after, Fujiwara acquired the power to enter T.V.s as well. He assumed that by placing people into the T.V.s, the killer wouldn't find them. And off he went "helping" folks. Of course, he had no idea that those monsters lived inside..... Hee hee hee hee hee~."

"I can't believe I let you spoon me!" shouted a miffed Kyouko.

"But what about Kunikida? He said he was the killer," pointed out Yuki.

Sasaki sniffed. "Him? He was just another little disturbed pawn. I don't know how he got the power, either, but when I heard he admitted to the killings, I had to get rid of him. If Fujiwara heard the killer was caught, he would have stopped "saving" people. So I threw in Kunikida myself to make the killer rumor start up again. It was pretty hilarious watching him "save" each and every one of you."

"But why did you do it, Sasaki? Why keep this whole game going? What's your angle?" Taniguchi asked in his best Law and Order voice.

Sasaki just smiled and shrugged." It was fun."

".............................Fun?"

"Yes. I liked watching you all run around trying to solve an impossible murder."

"So that's it? No big 'take over the world' scheme or anything like that?"

"Nope".

"Wow. All this because you did poorly in school? I've flunked tons of tests in life AND school, and you don't see me going Charles Manson on anybody. You're more fucked-up than Haruhi."

Haruhi let out a shout of anger. "HEY! Don't compare me to that evil bitch! Can I please just shoot her?"

Kyon let out a sigh. "You know what? Go ahead. I didn't like her that much anyways."

Haruhi grinned and pulled out her machine-gun. Kyouko ducked as a hail of lead came at Sasaki. It seemed this would be her undoing, but the newly-revealed villainess held up a hand, causing the bullets to clatter uselessly to the floor.

"How did you do _that_?!" the tsundere exclaimed in surprise.

"Did I mention I'm the final boss and I have my own Persona?" Sasaki smirked. With a snap of her fingers, Sasaki summoned her own Persona in the hospital- a long-haired Haruhi in a black school uniform.

"Hey! You can't call your Persona out here! That can only work in the Midnight Channel!" pointed out Ryoko, who had always been a stickler for the rules.

"Actually, while that may be true, the author is getting a bit tired, and just decided to ignore the basic principles of our world in a crude attempt at humor. Personally, I find it quite lazy he didn't even put in the final dungeon," Sasaki exclaimed with an air of arrogance.

Just for that, a ceiling tile shook itself loose and clocked Sasaki on the head. It knocked her out, leaving the Haruhi double by herself. The group summoned their Personas and Kyon used a fire spell with Alucard. It knocked the doppelganger on her rear and she remained the ground looking pissed.

"Owww! Do you jerks have any idea it'll take me to clean this cardigan for later?!" she growled at them all.

"Guys! Hit her with an All-Out-Attack while she's down!" suggested Mikuru.

"RAPE-TIME!!!" shrieked Haruhi, as they descended upon her twin with a flurry of blows. It looked like one of those cartoon dust clouds. Sasaki revived and cast several powerful Dyne-level spells at the party.

"Yow! She's a toughie! We may actually have to use mega buffs this time!" Tsuruya screamed to everyone else. The green-haired genki boosted everyone's evasiveness and defense with Churuya, while Ryoko healed everyone with Ashakura. Itsuki and Kyon boosted their offenses with Zero and Alucard. They awaited their foes' next moves.

Rather than attack, Alternate Universe Haruhi, who shall hence be forth know as AU Haruhi, took out a microphone from hammerspace and began to sing "This is Me" by Demi Lovato from the Disney Channel. All the other Personas and the heroes went into spastic hysterics.

"..._I'M EXACTLY WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE NOW.... GONNA LET THE LIGHT... SHINE! ON! ME!!!_" she sang out loud.

"OH, GOD.... SHE'S HORRIBLE!!!" they all wailed in agony. Mr. Kimidori let out some pitiful howls as he sat on his haunches in midair. Haruhi tried to have Celestial smash the evil bitch, but only succeeded in having the giant demolish the gift shop. The only one's not affected were Yuki and her Persona.

"Mwa ha ha, drown in tween pop!" Sasaki cackled.

"Your pop crap cannot harm me. I am too awesome," Yuki boasted.

"Oh? And just what are you going to do?" AU Haruhi sneered.

Yuki snapped her fingers and the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann hovered forward (somehow fitting in the hospital room I might add). It reared back, causing the two fiends' jaws to drop.

"_**GIGA-**_"

"Oh...."

"_**DRILL-**_"

"......shit."

"_**BREAKER!!!**_"

_KA-BOOOOM!!!!!!_

When the smoked cleared, Sasaki was unconscious and the wounded AU Haruhi saw her chance to escape and ran out the door, only to be whisked away by crazy Disappearance fans. Kyouko picked up her partner and began to administer CPR... for real. No innuendos here at all.

"Gee, Yuki... You saved the day!" Kyon gave the young officer a pat on the shoulder.

"I could've done something..." pined Taniguchi. "But... the sun was in my eye. And I had glass in my shoe."

Just then, darkness flowed from out of Sasaki's body and an enormous cricket appeared. It was brown, with menacing red eyes and spiny legs. Its chirps became a smooth resonating voice.

"Who the fuck are you?" Haruhi exclaimed.

"_**I am the great and mighty Cave Cricket! I possessed this human girl and gave her the power to enter the T.V. world! I did it to spread the evil energy of the Shadows within so a fog can cover the world. And then, the Shadows will rule all! And none of you weaklings can stop me!**_" the giant insectoid monster decreed.

The SOS Investigation Team beat him five minutes later.

"_**Huh. Didn't think I'd lose. Oh, well. You guys are nice kids. I'll go now. Later, taters,**_" said the Cave Cricket as he leapt away through the roof of the building.

"Well," said Taniguchi, dusting his hands off, "I guess that solves everything..."

"___NOT___SO____FAST...___" said a robotic voice.

"HOW MANY SURPRISE BOSSES ARE THERE HERE?!?!?!" exclaimed Taniguchi. "Wait... I know that voice."

A figure approached them all. It was...... the unnamed gas station attendant from earlier in the fic that we didn't even meet or see yet. Lame.

"Aren't you the unnamed gas station attendant from earlier in the fic that we didn't even meet or see yet that makes the controller rumble?" Itsuki asked curiously.

"___Exactly...___Oh, hang on for a second...____" the person coughed repeatedly and then spun like a tornado, turning into a small girl with _long _black hair, "Ah... That's much better."

"I sense a dark force!" Ryoko stated, taking a defensive stance.

"W-W-Who are you?" Mikuru stuttered.

The girl bowed. "I am Kuyou Suou. I have come from the far reaches of the galaxy with a sole purposes in mind...."

Everyone leaned in forward, eager to hear what the mysterious female wanted from them.

"To make this world..... INTO MY VERY OWN WORLD OF SEX-TOYS!!!"

_**THUD **_went everyone.

"WHAAAAAAAAAT?!" Kyon was very confused and freaked out.

"I have always found the Japanese schoolgirl to be a most fascinating subject. The men are just as easily attractive. I created the Midnight Channel and gave you individuals the power to enter it and summon Personas. Why did I do this? I only screw the best. I even created that wimpy Cave Cricket to possess that Sasaki girl."

Taniguchi frowned, realizing that if that hadn't happened, he would probably had rushed at the Shadows with a worthless card. "Haruhi, your dad sucks balls."

"He really does," agreed Haruhi.

"But then why didja let Mori, Kimidori, and Mr. Okabe die, nyoro?" wondered Tsuruya.

"Simple. They are not dead. I used my powers to simply make dead bodies made of data take their place so as not to arouse suspicion. They are fine. Look," Kuyou said with a gleam in her eyes.

Kuyou snapped her fingers, and a zoned-out Mori, Emiri, and Okabe appeared out of thin air. All three were clad in leather gimp masks and wearing gags. Taniguchi and the other cringed at what things Kuyou had probably done to them in that state.

"You're disgusting," grimaced Kyon. "But why let the people become Shadows?"

"Shadows are easier to bend to my will. That, and they go great with leather."

"Ah."

Then Kuyou gathered dark energy and transformed into a giant, ugly, skeleton monster made of hair and tentacles. "Get ready for a good long ride! I'm feeling like a cat-girl, battle-waitress, bunny-suit mood today...."

"How dare you try to take advantage of the girls of Japan! That's the job of guys like me!" Taniguchi cried in complete defiance. "We'll all have to stop your insanity!"

"THEN BY ALL MEANS.... **_TRY!!!_"**

So they charged at the deranged pervert from outer space. It was a battle of sweat and blood. A battle of wills. For a moment, it seemed Kuyou would rape them to her heart's content, Taniguchi reached into his inner strength and drew forth... the spirit of Minoru Shiraishi**. **In the end, our heroes fought bravely and won. Kuyou lay on the ground in defeat.

"So.... I have lost.... Maybe this is a sign. I will lament on this at home. Perhaps change hobbies. I wonder if should become a fanfic writer instead? So may lemon ideas brewing..." whispered Kuyou as she melted into a black mist.

"Aha! We did it! The SOS Investigation Team has won the day! That means we're the SOS Brigade again and I officially own you all now!" Haruhi said smugly.

"Oh, please. Like a plot can get resolved this easily," Kyon said with an annoyed eye-roll. Ryoko nodded in agreement. Suddenly a large group of the group's family members and friends ran up to them.

"Itsuki, I've decided to accept your curious sexuality," said Itsuki's uncle Yutaka.

"Great!" said Itsuki.

"Oh, Tsuruya.... You don't have to run the family inn if you don't want to. We'll get your older, never-before seen, and less weird-looking brothers and sisters to run it!" cried Tsuruya's mom and dad.

"Great!" said Tsuruya.

"Haruhi, we will no longer embarrass you in front of your boyfriends, anymore! Right, dear?" Naru asked sweetly.

"...I guess," muttered Oruki.

"Great!" said Haruhi

"Oh, Mikuru! We, your loving fans will love you matter how you are! It's what's inside that counts!" said a bunch of random Mikuru fanboys.

"Great!" said Mikuru.

"Yuki, I've heard of your brilliant exploits and want to make you a full-time detective!" shouted Soichiro Yagami from Death Note.

"Excellent," said Yuki, refusing to go along like a cute, little lamb.

"Kyon! I somehow survived my apparent death!" smiled Imouto.

Everyone tuned to look at the wide-eyed Kyon.

"Well, I guess _that _could happen..." admitted the cynic.

"Apparently so..." agreed the blue-haired yandre. "But what will happen to me, now? Where will I go in this great big world? Is there a place in this world that can accept a Shadow?"

Taniguchi scratched his chin and began to formulate a plan.

_**-Taniguchi's POV-**_

_So............ yeah. That's what happened to me awhile back. Everything is pretty great here now. Kyon and Haruhi went out for a bit, before he found out what a bitch she was and she saw how lame he was. So they broke up and went their separate ways. Now, Kyon's dating Mikuru and is her new manager, that lucky SOB. I wanted to cheer Haruhi up, but she still doesn't like the sight of me. But that's okay! I heard that she and Tsuruya are spending a lot of time together! In fact, just the other day, I walked by the girls' bathroom and heard both of them screaming and moaning each other's names inside. Don't know why, but I'm sure that both those gals will find their dream men. Itsuki is running the store with his uncles still, and is now dating Yuki. They're pretty happy together, but I STILL think it's because she kinda looks like a dude in the right lighting. _

_Kyon's sis is doing good, and so are Haruhi's folks. Turns out that card her old man gave me wasn't magic at all. I started cussing him out about how we could've gotten killed if it didn't work and he told me to stick my head up somewhere, but I know we'll be laughing about this later. Sasaki got out of jail for good behavior and became a cop with Kyouko. And that Fujiwara guy didn't turn out to be such a bad guy after all after he got out of the hospital. Kuyou also came back and said she was sorry for trying to conquer the planet. Now, she hangs out with Sasaki, Kyouko, and Fujiwara. I think they made a book club._

_Emiri, Mori, and Mr. Okabe came back. Everyone in town thought they were zombies, until they noticed the fake bodies Kuyou made had vanished into sparkles. Now, Mr. Okabe's being a dick again, Mori went back to reporting, and Kunikida and Emiri are ALWAYS making out. Something gay about "kindred spirits" or some shit like that. _

_Oh, and Haruhi's mom challenged us to something she called an "optional boss fight". We all went toe-to-toe with her........... and she beat the crap out of us with a broom. We had to run out into the street to lose her. A broom, man, A BROOM! _

_As for me, I'm seeing Ryoko. Since she hates the Midnight Channel, I let her stay at my house. I'm letting that giant cricket live in my T.V., anyways. So what if nobody knows I keep an extraordinarily hot chick in my closet, who is always hungry for sex. I think it's a pretty sweet deal if you know what I mean.... Heh heh heh... Oh, and I'm letting our Personas crash in the T.V., too. They get pretty noisy at night with their drunk poker parties and orgies, but I can live with 'em. What do you think of my epic tale of heroicness?_

_Huh? Where are you going? You don't believe me?! Ya gotta! It REALLY happened! I'll take ya to meet Ryoko, right now! I think she'd like you! C'mon! She's be more than happy to please ya! IT'S LIKE SHE HAS NINE TONGUES! HEY! DON'T FLIP ME OFF LIKE THAT!!! _

_...._

_Fuck it, I'm letting Kyon be the hero next time. _

* * *

**A/N: Well, that was Persona 4, guys. Very confusing at first, but a great PS2 game nonetheless. Hope you liked it.**

**Next chapter is.... I don't know. It's a surprise. :)**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	75. Ringaround the Kyon

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Here's the update you all have been craving. This was made with the help of my good friend, BKE. He and I wrote this on AIM for fun together, but then I beefed it up a bit and added the ending. **

**Sorry if you guys had to wait. I've been perfecting my hand at other stuff, finishing some non-Haruhi works I had saved up, and watching Kino's Journey (WHICH IS AWESOME). And I'm happy to announce that this fic now has 100 favorites to it and 60 or so alerts to it. Thank you all. **

**As a result, I now demand a tribute of 100 reviews per chapter following this one. If you cannot surrender one to me, then I simply ask for the next best thing: the soul of a first-born child, so that I may replenish my vitality. And if you cannot give me that, then I demand baked goods. How you get them to me is your choice. **

**Enough stupid jokes, go nuts here. **

* * *

**Cheeseploitation: **

Kyon stuck his head into the SOS Brigade clubroom. Surprisingly, he was the only one there. Marveling his good speed record, he sat down at Haruhi's chair and booted up his favorite thing:

The Mikuru folder.

"Hmmhmmhmmmm...." he hummed to himself, anxious to see that star-shaped mole on that expanse of creamy white cleavage. One more click and-

Kyon blinked. "The hell?"

The folder.

It was gone.

Kyon's face paled.

"....What? .....Where is it? WHERE IS IT?!"

He started to panic. This was not good. Now he was really worried.

_Who discovered it... Was it... Oh, god... HARUHI?!?_

He became really uncomfortable. Kyon started to look around the room, and he even though he knew Haruhi was not here, he was still anxious and frustrated.

He looked at each of their faces in his mind. _Who found it?_ Kyon sat up, pacing around the room. He had to think carefully.

_Now, now, if anyone asks, you just tell them that you just meant to delete the files and accidently saved them into a file hidden under and extensive password...._

He clutched his head in his hands. "OH, MAN I AM SO SCREWED!!!"

Deciding to just flee the scene, Kyon was about to grab his schoolbag, when he saw a scrap of paper in his usual chair. Curious, he picked it up, and unfolded it.

_**-I have discovered your shameful secret. Don't worry, my opinion of you hasn't been changed. We all have our needs and demons, right? Come to the back of the school when the day is done. I think we can work something out. Signed, a Friend-**_

Kyon swallowed hard. The entire note was typed out. But he had no choice. He was stark pale. He was ready to go mad. He was caught in a vise. Kyon walked out of the clubroom quietly. Then, when he was certain of his ability to escape, he ran. As his breath increased with his running, his mind started to race.

_OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD!!! WHO FOUND OUT???_

In a random fit of rage, he started screaming, leaving behind a flustered Taniguchi and puzzled Okabe. Kyon ended up in a section of the campus that was remote, behind the gymnasium. He knew this was most likely what was meant to be the back.

He sat himself down and tried to meditate, failing miserably.

"_I'llbefine, I'llbefine, I'llbefine, I'llbefine, I'LLBEFINE, I'LLBEFINE..._" Kyon said to himself as he rocked back and forth on the ground, hugging his knees to his chest.

"Wow. You came sooner than I expected..." said a _very _familiar voice. Kyon screamed as he realized the person who had sent him the letter was already waiting for him. He turned slowly to his right, the dread slowly killing him.

He spotted a disk (most likely containing the data of his prized folder in it) resting in a hand, an arm connected to the hand, the arm to a shoulder, the shoulder to a neck, and the neck led up to the grinning face of....

Kyon gasped in shock. He hadn't expected _her_.

"_Tsuruya?!_"

There she was, the perpetrator of this whole debacle.

"That's right, Kyon, I am the one who took it, nyoro." She stood there, smirking with her fang sticking out of her mouth, glinting.

"I just so happened to hears from a birdie out there that you had been keeping a suspicious stash on the SOS club PC of megas provocative images of a certain moe girl. Now, I know that Itsuki would not do it, and the girls aren't like that, and that meant only one of you could have done this: You, you dirty silly boy."

Well, she got his tongue there.

Kyon could barely manage the courage to work through his speechlessness to say something. "You thief, you shouldn't be doing this. I'll have you know I am not that kind of person-"

"Bullshit," she said with absolutely no emotion. Tsuruya then produced a hideous laugh that frightened Kyon to his very soul.

"I'm smarter than that, Kyon. I had to use the machine anyway and found those images. You know I am a fan of Mikuru, and to see that, I just HAD to look, and I had to see her in those sexy, sexy pics. I asked Haruhi about them. She said she was not aware of any photos of Mikuru. That meant that only you could be the one who did this."

_WAITWAITWAITWHAT!?! HARUHI KNOWS?!!_

Kyon once again attempted to regain a dose of his composure. "Um, I am certain that you have nothing to gain from this. I also think you didn't tell Haruhi or Asahina about this. Now what do you have to say about that?"

Tsuruya said something that shocked and surprised him. "Well, Kyon, I'll give ya the pictures back... IF.... ya goes on a megas sweet date with me!"

Time froze.

...Only to restart when Kyon belted out an ear shattering shout of, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!"

"You heard me. Go out with me. Mikuru, Haruhi, Yuki, and Itsuki aren't the only ones who like ya. If ya want these _highly _incriminating pictures back, I expect you to take me out on a date! Well? What's your answer, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked, waving the disk under Kyon's nose like a carrot with a magician's rabbit.

"But.... But, Tsuruya! What about Haruhi?! Didn't you ask her about the photos? And you know how she gets when she sees me with other girls! Think about how'll she'll act when she hears about us on a date!" Kyon hastily said in hopes of changing his sempai's mind.

Tsuruya seemed to consider this, but grinned hungrily and pressed herself up against him, taking his tie into her free hand. "I only asked her about her having any _other _Mikuru pics. Not yours. And thinks about how Haruhi will feels when she hears about _this_, nyoro!"

Kyon couldn't believe it. Under all that green-hair and forehead lurked the brain of a mad scientist.

He stood up straight to give himself some dignity, "AHEM... Well, Tsuruya, I am just going to have to refuse."

She stood there, with a blank expression on her face. "Oh, okay..... All right, then, I haves to make a call."

Kyon sighed in relief. Her phone began dialing. Then it was answered by a very obnoxious voice, "Hello!? This is the Brigade leader."

Kyon almost shrieked.

"HEY, HARUHI, I WANTED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!!!"

"Oh? What is it?"

She then covered the phone and hissed, "It's now or nothing ,Kyon."

He was being blackmailed, there was nothing he could do.

And so Kyon hung his head and gave in. "Okay, you win, you get what you want."

"OK, good, now to throw Haruhi off."

Tsuruya returned the phone to her mouth and said, "I just want you to know that..." She smiled a devil-smile, and screamed, "!!!"

"What the fuc-" she was hung up on.

Tsuruya turned her deviant eyes to Kyon, who was floored.

"That..... was random," he finally said. Kyon looked on as Tsuruya then stuck the disk down the front of her shirt. She smiled sweetly and gave her bosom an affectionate pat.

Great. Now he couldn't get the friggin' thing without looking like he was trying to rape her.

"Well, well... Looks like I has Kyon all to myself now! Better start out with a bang!" She grabbed him by the shoulders and sent him her sexiest gaze, which only served to scare the absolute hell out of him. "Pucker up, Kyon! Hope ya like the taste of cheese~!"

Kyon could only watch in horror as Tsuruya shut her eyes and moved her mouth towards his own.

_Oh, man... I just hope Haruhi isn't watching... _Kyon mentally pleaded.

"Stop right there, Tsuruya. I cannot allow you to commit such an act against Kyon," said a voice as clear as ice.

Tsuruya halted in mid-kiss and turned around. Both she and her catch gasped. Standing there, hands on her hips, and a determined gleam in her eye was none other than Yuki Naga-

Wait.

Mikuru Asahina?!

What the hell!!!???

"Wait a sec, wait a sec... this is very out of character of you. Just why are you trying to do, Mikuru?" said Tsuruya with an annoyed expression. This was getting in the way of her victory.

Mikuru started fidgeting and fumbling, searching for a piece of paper. "Uh, uh... here it is!" She had even written an entire speech for this event. Wow, that means she knew of this beforehand. Of course, a time-traveler would.

"Uh, uh, ...Tsuruya, in the name of all that is right and good in this world, I command you to back your lips away from that boy right this second, you, uh, hear me?"

She really lacked authority with this. Mikuru waited for a response and was greeted with a, "Fuck that, bitch."

Tsuruya then proceeded, to Kyon's horror, to bring her lips to his own, and shoved her tongue deep into his mouth. The rancid flavor of Gouda and Monterey Jack overwhelmed the boy, who started to enter a sickened daze. He almost slumped to the ground if Tsuruya hadn't been holding him by his tie. She assumed he was smitten by her feminine charms.

Mikuru, in her state of panic, proceeded to tell her off, very poorly, "Um, no, you dirty whore... I, uh, I think you should get away from Kyon right this second, you filthy little tramp."

Tsuruya was not pleased at Mikuru's attitude and snarled, "Okay, then, how about I punish you for being disrespectful of me? I warn you, I am trained in Karate, Jiujutsu, Muay Thai and Kung Fu, as everyone in my family is... HERE COMES TSURYA!!!"

As Tsuruya started running toward her, Mikuru fumbled to find something in her pocket before she was pummeled. She found what she wanted, an object with a certain glassy glint...

"LOOK, TSURUYA! A SHINY! GET THE SHINY!" Mikuru exclaimed, holding up a sparkling keychain shaped like a kitten's head. Tsuruya halted in her attack and marveled at the sight.

So.... shiny.

"OH! SHINY! OH! OH! GIMME THE SHINY, MIKURU!!!" Tsuruya pleaded.

Mikuru arched her back and pretended to fling the object away into the bushes on the far side of the campus. Tsuruya sprinted away on her hands and feet like a stray dog after a milk-bone. Mikuru then summoned all her busty power to drag away the dazed Kyon before Tsuruya could discover her trick.

***

**Two Minutes Later...**

***

When Kyon awoke, he saw that his head as placed on the lap of his beloved Mikuru angel. She smiled a smile that could cure cancer. The curves made it a nice view, too. Both were seated on a lonely bench in the park.

"Why did you save me, Asahina? I thought you would despise me after what I had done with the photos..." Kyon said with deep shame.

"Well..... I was mad at first. But as I thought it over for a bit, I thought it was kinda.......... sweet. In a cute stalker-way, of course," Mikuru beamed at him. Kyon turned red and became redder as Mikuru suddenly kissed him on the lips. She tasted a HELL of a lot better than Tsuruya, that's for sure. Like Starbursts and Fruit Roll-Ups mixed together. As they made out, a shrill voice sliced through the air. The duo looked up and gasped.

It was Haruhi being dragged by a fuming Tsuruya!

The green-haired senior seethed, breathing heavily, "HAHA... HAHA... HAA... look who I got..."

She sat down on the bench and brought Haruhi into her lap, as she was dazed and confused, so she was unsure of the situation. "Wha... wha.... what's up?"

"Ha ha ha... well, Mikuru, if you're going to do something as humiliating as pretend to throw the shiny away, then I'm going to have to do this..." Tsuruya grinned crazily.

She started to molest the dazed Haruhi, who was powerless to stop Tsuruya, as those cheesy hands groped various areas of her body. "Hey.......... stop... that.... it doesn't feel right...."

"Well, Mikuru? Whatcha gonna do? Are you going to save Haruhi here? Huh?" Tsuruya taunted.

Mikuru and Kyon were wary, they did not know what to do about this (although secretly, Mikuru was getting a kick outta Haruhi being fondled). Then Tsuruya did what they did not want to happen...

"Hey, Haruhi, do you remember those photos of Mikuru that you took and Kyon said he erased? Guess what?" Tsuruya asked with a gleam in her yellow eyes.

The dazed Haruhi fired back quietly by saying, "...What?"

"They were still on the computer! He hid em' from you, nyoro!"

Haruhi, slowly turned her weary head to Kyon. "You didn't erase them? Shame on you...shame on..." She then fell fast asleep.

Tsuruya squawked, "Aww, man, she's out. It's no fun molesting an unconscious person. I shouldn't have put that many pills in her liquor."

Mikuru and Kyon looked at each other and realized what had to be done. The two leapt at Tsuruya and knocked her down. The upperclassman howled like a wolf as she went down and turned on them. She punched Mikuru in the head and kicked Kyon in the groin. Reeling back, but not out, Mikuru drop-kicked Tsuruya (a technique Haruhi insisted she learn), while Kyon pulled her hair.

"Ouchies! No fair!" Tsuruya whined, running around in circles to bite Kyon.

"Let her go, Kyon! I think I can get the disk!" cried Mikuru.

"Are you insane, Asahina?! There's teeth on the other end of this!!" Kyon yelped as Tsuruya's fang came mere inches from clamping down on his shoulder.

"IM DOING IT, IM GOING IN!" Mikuru reached out her hand to enter Tsuruya's cleavage, but was bitten sharply by the fang and retracted her hand. Kyon flew behind and reached his arms around her waist.

"HOOAHH!" he hollered.

Tsuruya almost came close to biting down on Mikuru's hand. Just as Tsuruya could get a fang on her skin, Kyon did a maneuver to stop her: he rammed his skull as hard as he could against Tsuruya's own. Both became dizzy and lopsided, and Mikuru sensed her chance. She reached into her friend's bust and pulled out the disc with a "AHA!"

As Mikuru pulled back from them, Kyon pushed hard to force himself on top of Tsuruya. She fell to the ground, with Kyon's body pinning her down.

"We got you, bitch!" the cynic sneered evilly.

Tsuruya started crying to herself, "No fair, you always get to be with him! I want to be with Kyon!"

"But why didn't you just tell him how you felt?" asked Mikuru. "Plus, in contradiction to your statement, have you even seen all the fan fiction here? You're more likeable than me!"

Both parties had to agree to that.

"But if I just told him how I felt, he'd tell me no! And then Haruhi would just keep him all to herself.... And Yuki and Itsuki, too!" Tsuruya wept into the dirt as Kyon got off her.

Kyon scratched the back of his head. "I'm sorry about that, Tsuruya. But I don't hate you. Truth be told, I really do like you. You're a great person to have in the SOS Brigade. But now that I know EVERYONE here likes me, what am I supposed to do? It's not like I can date both you and Asahina in secret...."

Kyon froze as he noticed the sly grins on Mikuru and Tsuruya's faces. Before anyone could do anything, Haruhi made a noise and began to get up. She started to rub her eyes as she noticed Mikuru and Tsuruya encircling Kyon, who was only surprised and somewhat wary.

"Uh, girls? Kyon? What is this?" the young goddess asked with distrust. The three noticed that Haruhi was up and froze.

Tsuruya spoke up, "Hey, Haruhi! How...... Uh... you feelin'?"

"I'm feeling better now. It seems that rum got to me. Wait...... I remember something... YOU STILL HAVE THOSE PHOTOS, KYON? HOW DARE YOU! YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! I WILL HAVE TO GIVE YOU A GIGANTIC PENALTY! IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU PAY FOR THE DRINKS... YOU WILL GO OUT WITH ME, AND NO ONE ELSE, AND THAT IS FINAL!"

Unfortunately in her rant, Haruhi did not notice the crushing fist of Yuki Nagato until it landed on her skull. She was knocked out clean and cold.

Yuki was a scary sight to behold, as she had come out of nowhere with her nonexistent expression. "I am displeased with the fact you both decided to agree on an alliance to share Kyon. I myself want some representation in this. Cut me in for a share."

The silence that followed was extremely awkward.

"Sure, Miss Nagato. We'll let you share Kyon with us," Mikuru said with a little too much sweetness.

"Excellent. When can I have my turn?" the book-loving alien asked.

"How about..... NEVER, NYORO!" Tsuruya reached into her pocket and threw a handful of dust, cookie crumbs, pencil shavings, and cheese particles at Yuki's eyes. Yuki let out an uncharacteristic scream and stumbled back, her vision impaired. And with much more strength than their bodies showed, Tsuruya and Mikuru picked up a stunned Kyon and began to dash away with him.

"Wretched humans..." growled Yuki, about to give chase. She began to run when Haruhi's left hand shot up and tripped her by the ankle. Yuki watched as Haruhi leapt off of the ground roared like a tiger, and sped off after the trio. Yuki blinked and joined in.

At this point, reader, you may be asking yourself, "Where on Earth is Itsuki in all of this?". Well, folks, I believe that question can be answered in a rather mature and tidy fashion.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

He died.

Yeah. That's all we got. We're not even gonna tell you how it happened. Because that's how much of a cock-tease the author is.

Anyways, looking back around, the senior with emerald hair realized that their pursuers were catching up, and if some quick thinking didn't happen soon, both of them were going to get caught, have Kyon taken away from them, and get molested and killed. Luckily enough, Tsuruya saw a way out ahead.

"THIS WAY, MIKURU!!" Tsuruya shouted as she held Kyon's legs. "I gotta plan!"

"Oh, dear..." said an unsure Mikuru as she balanced Kyon's flailing torso atop her head.

The trio dashed up a hill and into a grove of trees. Yuki and Haruhi followed suit. They ran on for a few more seconds before noticing that their quarry had vanished.

"DAMN! We lost them! When I catch them, I'm gonna rape them so bad....." Haruhi said darkly.

"Let's see if they are around. And perhaps, the two of us can come to a compromise," Yuki suggested. She and her fellow Kyon-enthusiast began to walk on ahead through the thicker parts of the foliage surrounding the park.

"Yeah. Sure....." Haruhi muttered, planning to double-cross Yuki as soon as she could.

"Superb," answered Yuki, already thinking the exact same thing.

As soon as they disappeared, Tsuruya, Mikuru, and Kyon jumped down from the tree they were hiding in.

"That was amazing, Tsuruya. How did you manage to swing all three us up there by yourself?" Kyon wondered.

Tsuruya beamed brightly. "I just so happen to be a skilled gymnast as well, nyoro! I'm _very_ flexible," she said with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

Mikuru rolled her eyes. Tsuruya was such a flirt. At least that answered the question of how she came to create the biggest chain of massage parlors across the world in her time. Still sore over the cheesy smooch with Kyon, Mikuru grabbed him by the arm to lead him away. That's when a shadow loomed over Mikuru. Something moved like a striking snake, but the mascot caught it flawlessly with one hand. Turning around, the trio gasped at Mikuru's assailant.

It was Mikuru- from the future!

"Quicker than I thought...." the hot woman smirked.

"Big Asahina? What are you doing here?!" Kyon gasped in a startled voice, while small Mikuru glared.

"I've come back in time to get a piece of that sweet Kyon booty. I've missed him so..... Nothing will stop me. EVEN IF I HAVE TO BEND TIME ITSELF!!!" the obviously mad time-traveler proclaimed.

"Screw you, future-me! I've been waiting for over a thousand fanfics and doujins to actually do it with Kyon! I will not be perturbed, you.... you.... bitch!" Mikuru stammered. It was pretty damn odd insulting yourself.

"Okay...." Tsuruya looked extremely puzzled.

"Kyon, wouldn't you rather have a _woman_ than a girl~?" Big-Mikuru asked with a wink. Kyon turned scarlet.

"Uhhhh, how come ya just can't let lil' you just have fun with Kyon? It's technically like you'd be doing him, too," Tsuruya pointed out.

"Well..... I'm just selfish~!" Big-Mikuru smiled, reminding Kyon of how much of a bitch she was sometimes. Wait a minute. Something REALLY didn't make any sense here.

"Wait.... How can you two be in the same place together without damaging the time-line? You've never even talked to one another before! That doesn't make any fucking sense!!"

Both Mikurus stared at one another for a while. The they turned to Kyon with equal smiles.

"IT'S TIME-TRAVEL, KYON. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE ANY SENSE!!!" they shouted in unison.

Kyon and Tsuruya both groaned- it was at times like these that they wished that their series had a bit more Dr. Who logic. Suddenly, Yuki and Haruhi appeared, looking red as beets.

"I thought I smelled moe over here..." Yuki growled, eyes gleaming.

"WHAT THE HELL, KYON?! NOW YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH SOME MIKURU IMPOSTER!? I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU, THEN TAKE YOU BACK TO MY HOUSE SO WE CAN PROCLAIM OUR LOVE TO THE WORLD!!!" Haruhi roared, charging forward with Yuki. But before Kyon could react, the two Mikurus and Tsuruya ran up to meet them.

"Ooooooh, how I've awaited my chance to do this..." Big-Mikuru hissed, pulling out a futuristic gun outta nowhere. Wait... Didn't she just break another time-travel rule? This plot is full of more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese!

Normal Mikuru took out some katanas (Ummm..... Yeah, the author don't even know anymore) and Tsuruya smiled darkly as her hair came to life as a group of tentacles (a move she picked up from Kuyou Suou). After an epic catfight involving data-manipulation, reality-warping, time-distortion, cups of boiling tea, and tentacle-rape, Tsuruya and Mikuru triumphed. The defeated and knocked-out forms of Haruhi, Yuki, and Big-Mikuru lay a few feet away on the ground, moaning in pain. The duo had prevailed.

Yeah.

You just got screwed out of a hot fight scene. The author is truly a tool.

"We.... did it...." said Mikuru putting away her twin blades. "And don't worry, Kyon. You won't be needing your special folder of me anymore~."

"Yup...." agreed Tsuruya, pulling in her tentacles, "And now.... our reward, nyoro...."

They closed in on Kyon ,grinning.

"I should warn you...... I'm..... gay," Kyon said pitifully with his straightest face as he backed up against a brick wall.

"Uh-huh...." Tsuruya drooled, her hair slithering forward towards Kyon's ankles and wrists.

"That sounds lovely...." Mikuru drawled, reaching for Kyon's pants.

The two girls then proceeded to do very non-gay things to Kyon for several hours.

And meanwhile, Sakanaka and Nakagawa were both lying in an empty alleyway, mouths agape in shock, and covered in blood and gunshot wounds.

But that's a different story for another time.

....Which is never, because unlike Emiri and Kunikida, the author doesn't give a shit about either of them.

* * *

**A/N: Oh, Kyon. You're such a man-whore. Not intentionally, but..... Yeah. You guys get it, right?**

**I better start updating faster. The next chapter will feature....**

**STUFF.**

**And contrary to what I just said, there needs to be a Nakagawa or Sakanaka chapter or fic one of these days.**

**...Maybe. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	76. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I don't even have an explanation for this chapter. My bad. Kind based off one hell of an odd and hilarious as hell dream I once had.**

**Enjoy, and I'd appreciate it if your review doesn't mainly consist of just 'What the hell kind of dreams do you regularly have?'. **

**I'd rather not go into that. **

* * *

**Kunikida's Super Ultra Weird Experience: **

"Done!" Kunikida said to himself. He had just finished making his bed and was preparing to go to sleep. There was a quiz tomorrow and he needed every ounce of sleep he could muster.

But as Kunikida was just settling under the covers, something halted his progress.

_**Crash!**_

"Huh? What was that?" Kunikida spoke softly. The noise had come from the kitchen. Finding it odd that both his parents were sound asleep, Kunikida decided to see who it was. A burglar? Maybe. A ghost? Nah. His favorite anime girl lubed in custard and wearing cat-ears? Hmmm...

Nevertheless, Kunikida headed to his kitchen. Two shapes loomed in the darkness, apparently in the middle of an argument.

"C'mon, already! They're getting hungry!" hissed the first voice, a female.

"Shut up! You're going to make me make a mess!" growled a low male voice.

"Who's there?" called Kunikida, flicking on the light.

His eyes went wide. Standing in the middle of the kitchen were Haruhi and Kyon, both dressed in their school uniforms. The two of them stared back at him with that 'deer in the headlights' look. Observing the scene closer, he saw that Kyon was pouring a carton of milk into a dozen glass cups. Haruhi, on the other hand, was holding a tray stacked high with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. An awkward silence befell the three teens until Haruhi spoke up.

"Now, Kunikida... I know this must seem weird, but there's a perfectly logical explanation as to why Kyon and I are in your kitchen at this hour," Haruhi explained.

"Okay. Go ahead and explain," Kunikida said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Haruhi nodded, smiled, and proceeded to stare at Kunikida.... for two whole minutes.

"Well, Suzumiya?"

".......Awww fuck, I can't explain this. Help me out here, Kyon!"

Kyon scratched the side of his head. "Ummmmmm.... I don't have anything here, either."

"YOU USELESS IDIOT!!"

"You know what? I've had it up to HERE with all your nagging, you insufferable bitch!"

As the duo argued loudly, Kunikida caught a sign of movement behind them. Looking past Kyon to see what it was, Kunikida's jaw clattered to the tiled floor.

Standing there in the darkness behind the club leader and her straight-man were several young boys and girls. There had to have been at least fifteen of them all standing in a neat little row, some looking like they were twelve and some seemed to be at least five. All of them had oddly colored hair, ranging from baby-blue, blood-red, orange, lime-green, hot-pink, silver, pure white, electric-blond, purple, and one color that didn't even _seem _to be a color. Their eyes were weird colors ,too, and Kunikida wasn't even sure if any of them had blinked at all in the last three minutes. It wasn't this or the hair or eye colors that freaked Kunikida out. Oh, no.

It was the fact that all of them were connected by a metal chain that was linked to metal collars latched around their necks.

Oh, and they were all wearing maid outfits.

Even the boys.

"What the French toast?!" the poor boy cried out in surprise.

"Kunikida! Watch your mouth! These poor kids are starving! Isn't that right, my precious babies?" Haruhi crooned, stooping down so she could pinch the cheek of some five-year old boy with white hair and red eyes.

"Yes, Mistress Haruhi...." the children droned, like zombies. Kunikida was thoroughly freaked out. Haruhi and Kyon were loli and shota slave-drivers! Oh, the humanity of it all!

"Why the hell are you dragging these kids around?! Where are their parents?! And.... HOLY CRAP, WHY THE HELL IS SUZUMIYA TAKING HER CLOTHES OFF?!?!" Kunikida demanded as Haruhi began to slip off her skirt. She paused in mid-strip to glare at him.

"Because Kunikida.... if I'm still wearing clothes, then me and Kyon can't have our fun with the kids! And then the children can't have any motivation to make SOS products for my Brigade's cause! DUH!!" she yelled at him.

Kunikida was horrified. And by the look on Kyon's face, so was he. Especially when some of the kids looked at Kyon and grinned widely.

"You said that we weren't going to touch any of these horny brats!" Kyon complained, waving the milk around.

Haruhi rolled her eyes. "I was lying! DUH!!"

And before anyone could do anything, there was a sudden _**CRASH!!! **_as the kitchen window exploded, due to Yuki kicking her way inside. A look of hate was splashed on her face, and in her hands, she clutched a bloody machete.

"You bastard...." Yuki said icily, pointing the weapon straight at Kyon, "I am going to make you pay for cheating on me and Itsuki with that tramp."

"What the fuck?! Yuki and Koizumi, Kyon? YOU SAID ME AND MIKURU WERE ALL THE LOVE YOU EVER NEEDED!!!" Haruhi cried out in sorrow.

"Well, Miss Asahina can never pose a problem to me again. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha~...." Yuki laughed menacingly, tracing an index finger along the surface of her machete, and sucking up some of the blood that collected on her fingernail. "Yum."

Kunikida's eyes flew open in surprise. _Kyon cheating on Suzumiya AND Asahina.... With Nagato AND Koizumi?!?!_

"Nagato, I can explain!" Kyon said pitifully, waving his hands in defense. "You know I would never betray you and my darling Koizumi for anyone else!"

"Oh, contraire!" smirked Itsuki as he leaped in through the hole Yuki had made, some kind of metal control switch in his left hand. "You broke out hearts, and now I'll break yours.... figuratively speaking, of course. And knowing I can't do that literally, I AM BLOWING UP YOUR HOUSE!!!"

Itsuki pressed a big, yellow button that hadn't been there a second ago, and grinned evilly. A thunderous explosion then rocked the whole house. Everyone looked at the window to see an humongous mushroom cloud rising.... in the complete opposite direction of where Kyon lived.

"Isn't that where Sasaki lives?" asked Kunikida.

"Ummmm.... I believe so," said Itsuki, embarrassed.

"Never send an esper to do an alien's job..." Yuki said darkly, advancing on Kyon with her machete. Before she could reach him, Haruhi stood in the way. Kunikida watched as Kyon breathed a sigh of relief that quickly faded as Haruhi whirled on him, grinning maliciously. For some reason, she was holding a fancy sword with the name, Excalibur, on it.

"Wait, guys.... I WANT TO KILL THIS CHEATING ASSHOLE FIRST!!!" Haruhi said crazily, flecks of foam on her lips. The trio advanced on Kyon, giggling all the while. The lolis and shotas watched with mild interest, while Kunikida stood slack-jawed.

"Oh, no! My selfish harem ways have finally caught up to me!" Kyon lamented.

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE AT THIS TIME, YOU FREAKS???" Kunikida shouted, trying to make himself heard.

"Can you guys keep it down? We're trying to catch some Zs," drawled a rather familiar voice that Kunikida recalled. The entire group stopped what they were doing and stared at the entrance of the pitch black living room...

...to see a completely nude Ryoko Asakura emerge. Tsuruya trailed behind her in the buff as well.

Many of the kids blinked, and those that were boys felt a tightness in their skirts. Kunikida felt something red and sticky flow from his nose, but he chose to ignore it. Silence enveloped the room for an uncomfortable amount of time. The two naked girls stared at the murder that was about to commence, and the group of killers looked at the nudies. After about five minutes, Tsuruya then decide to speak up.

"Heya, Kunikida!" she said with a friendly wave.

"Hey," he replied, knowing just why Taniguchi ranked Tsuruya an AA+ girl.

Ryoko placed her hands behind her back and swayed on her feet uneasily (Kunikida was mesmerized by the way some of her body moved during the effect), and said in her regular saccharine voice, "Well, now....... Now, I guess you guys won't be so mad to know that we were also fucking Kyon behind your backs!"

"Yeah! Kyon's a great guy to have around.... and in ya, nyoro!" Tsuruya said, while grinning like an idiot.

Haruhi, Yuki, and Itsuki looked Kyon and then back at the girls.

Then the three of them leaped into the air and began beating the tar out of them. As Tsuruya and Ryoko cried out in pain and anguish, Kyon shuffled up to Kunikida. Nearby, the kids were munching on their sandwiches and milk. He turned toward his friend since junior high.

"Well..... that was close," Kyon finally said.

"Yeah..." Kunikida said unsurely as Tsuruya bit Haruhi, and Ryoko fought for control of Yuki's machete as she throttled Itsuki's neck. "Everyone seems to like you, Kyon."

"They certainly do."

"Mmmmhmmm."

A moment of silence.... then Kyon turned to Kunikida with a sleazy grin on his lips, that reminded him way too much of Taniguchi.

"Sooooooo.... Wanna fuck?" Kyon asked with a creepy leer.

Kunikida narrowed his eyes.

And with a "NO!!!" that could have rivaled that of Dr. Robotnik from The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Kunikida's entire body was coated with red-hot flames.

"YOU MUST DIE!!! _**FAAAALCON-PAAAAWNCH!!!**_" Kunikida screamed, his right hand being surrounded by blazing flames that took on the shape of a bird of prey, and driving his fist in a punch that would have made Simon and Kamina blush...

...into Kyon's groin.

The world exploded five seconds later.

And that's when Kunikida woke up and realized what a fucked-up dream he was having.

***

**The Next Morning at School...**

***

Kunikida was walking up the hill to see school. As he reached the summit, he spied Kyon chatting with Emiri at the gate. Finding it odd that they were actually having a conversation, Kunikida waved to them as he passed them. They waved back in a friendly matter.

"That was nice of them," Kunikida commented as he hurried off to his class. He didn't see the perverse smiles that popped up on their faces a second later.

"Very good, Kyon. You're learning to assault them in their dreams now," Emiri said with a wicked glow in her eyes.

Kyon returned her look with a pedo-smile. "Glad you are showing me, my great mentor of mind-rape."

"Let us venture to class. I shall explain to you how to use surprise buttsex on someone who is daydreaming, later," said Emiri with a smile.

"Great, Kimidori!"

The two headed for class, when Kyon decided to ask a question.

"Hey, Kimidori? In the dream, Kunikida Falcon-Punched me. Is that serious?"

"Oh? What's a Falcon-Punch?"

"An attack almost equal to the power-level as Chuck Norris or a Weegee stare. Its strength varies."

"I see. Well, getting hurt in a dream is okay as the wounds don't carry on into the realm of real-life. You had better check where he hit you, though."

Kyon did so right in front of Emiri, as neither of them had no shame.

And then...

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY JUNK.... IT'S.... GONE!!! AND WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE BURN-MARKS DOWN THERE?!?!?!" Kyon cried out in dismay.

"Well, what do you know. Wounds sustained a Falcon-Punch from a dream _do _carry on into the real world. I never would have guessed. You learn something every day!" Emiri concluded with a rather uncomfortable chuckle.

Kyon glared at Emiri.

And then he proceeded to chase her around the school grounds so that he could kill her.

* * *

**A/N: TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR A THREE-PART CHAPTER CONTAINING:**

**MINIBOSSES!!! **

**KANGAROO COURTS!!!**

**LAWSUITS!!!**

**PHOENIX WRIGHT!!!**

**MONKEY ISLAND!!!**

**MONEY!!!**

**RPGS!!!**

**TENTACLE RAPE!!!**

**OPERA!!!**

**SEVERAL BORROWED OCS!!!**

**MULTIPLE OBJECTIONS!!!**

**AND A HALF-EATEN APPLE!!!**

**And other pointless crap. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	77. Lawyers, Money, and Seafood Soup: Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Let me explain first, because if I don't, then you guys won't know what the hell is going on. You see, I was googling around for Haruhi images, when I came across a picture of Haruhi dressed as a conductor in a concert hall, tuxedo and all that. It was related to a thing where they released classical music versions of some of the Haruhi songs. They even did some orchestrated versions of them.**

**Thinking it was cool, I looked at the background of the concert pics of Haruhi and Yuki, and thought to myself **_**'Hey... That sort of reminds me of the Opera House from Final Fantasy 6. Heh. Wouldn't it be funny if Ultros crashed the musical or something so he could molest Mikuru and duke it out with Kyon and Itsuki, who's an esper?**_**'. **

**And that led me to think of the SOS Brigade performing an opera to earn more cash and popularity for their franchise. And that Ultros would somehow get involved and then....**

**I came up with this plot. I'll explain any references you may not know here at the end. **

**Thanks for the support! :D **

* * *

**Lawyers, Money, and Seafood Soup: Part 1: **

In the world of fiction, in a place called Fic City, all our favorite characters meet, mix, mingle, and generally know one another in a big bustling metropolis that interlocks with everyone's retrospective fandoms. Bowser plays tennis with Sephiroth, Lelouch and Light go clubbing, Pikachu and Agumon discuss politics, and Tuxedo Mask smokes fatties with Meta-Knight.

It's all pretty good.

Until a certain incident took place in the Haruhi portion of the place known as Anime Avenue....

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!" boomed a voice filled with murderous hate.

The shout rang the ears of everyone in the SOS Clubroom. Looking over, Kyon, Mikuru, Itsuki, and Yuki saw that Haruhi was clutching a piece of paper in her grip. Her face was etched in a dark scowl, and her teeth were grinding together.

"What's that?" Kyon asked fearfully.

Haruhi shoved the paper towards his face and cried, "It's a subpoena, Kyon! I'm being called into court on charges of fraud and abuse!"

"A subpoena? From who?" asked a concerned and worried Itsuki.

The fivesome looked down at the paper. In neat and cursive hand-writing, the slip of paper read as followed:

_**Dear Haruhi Suzumiya,**_

_**We regret to inform you that you are hereby charged with grand larceny, embezzling, physical abuse, and several other unspeakable accounts committed against a Mr. Ultros. Your presence in required at a trial of your peers. You have until tomorrow to appear. Thank for taking the time to read this out of your busy schedule, you lousy wench.**_

_**Signed, the Court of Anime, Books, Games, Movies, Music, and Miscellaneous Affairs**_

The entire SOS Brigade blinked repeatedly in bafflement. When the Court of Anime, Books, Games, Movies, and Miscellaneous Affairs asked you to come for something, you came. This was some serious shit.

"Who's this Mr. Ultros?" asked Mikuru after a moment of silence.

"And how did you get this summons?" asked Kyon shortly after.

"I was minding my own business when I was suddenly attacked by four goblins. I managed to fend them off rather easily, but when I was collecting my Gil and Potions, I found _this _in my pocket! Imagine.... getting a subpoena in a random encounter! _**THE NERVE!!!!**_" Haruhi thundered, waving around the paper for emphasis. The others merely sweatdropped.

"And as for thus Ultros guy, I have no idea who he is," Haruhi concluded.

"Really?" mused Itsuki. "You don't think that this little ordeal might be due to that opera performance we put on for our fanbase?"

"Hmmmmm... Maybe, Koizumi. We did make a ton of cash on that gig. All the fans loved us. Especially when Yuki was the Phantom," Haruhi said, reminiscing fondly over the event.

"I was in rare form that night," Yuki agreed. "And I recall that there was clearly no person named Ultros attending the musical."

Haruhi pondered that piece of information for a second, a look of suspicion bubbling on her face. "For all I know, this Ultros guy is trying to sue me for something I didn't do! I am NOT attending this court summons!" She angrily stomped on the letter. "But what could he be trying to accomplish..."

"Do you think not going to court is a really good idea, Haruhi? I mean, that's pretty risky. Even for you," noted Kyon.

Mikuru nodded in agreement. "Kyon's right. Maybe we could just pop on by for a few and try to explain to-"

"NO!" shouted Haruhi, making it rain lighting for dramatic effect. "I will not go groveling to the Court of Anime, Books, Games, Movies, Music, and Miscellaneous Affairs like a sniveling dog! I am freaking GOD for Pete's sake! No one bosses me around! Not me, or my Brigade!"

"Then what _are _we going to do?" Kyon looked doubtfully at Haruhi, who was now sitting in her Brigade chair, feet up on the table, hands behind her head, and a snug look on her face.

"Simple, my dear subordinate, chosen one, and boy-toy. We are going to do...." Haruhi grinned cruelly now, "...absolutely nothing."

"Nothing?" said Yuki.

"Yup, Yuki. _Nothing_. We are not going to attend that hearing at all. They can whine all they want, send as many bounty-hunters as they please, and take away all my money.... I WILL NOT YIELD TO THE LAW! I AM ABOVE THE LAW! I AM A GOD! _**I AM HARUHI MOTHERFUCKING SUZUMIYA!!! **_...And that's what my stance on this is."

And with that, the SOS Brigade did not attend court that afternoon.

*******

**One Week Later...**

*******

"See, you guys? Nothing bad happened. Told you they were blowing smoke," Haruhi bragged as the Brigade entered the clubroom, back from a Romance/Humor fic that was actually well-written for once.

"Huh. Guess you were right about something for once," contemplated Kyon, closing the door behind them as Haruhi's right eye twitched in anger.

But before the famous female lead could yell at her love interest, the door suddenly exploded off the hinges. The gang backed away in surprise as a tall figure suddenly walked through the smoky doorway. Once the smoke cleared, the SOS Brigade could now fully make out their visitor.

A menacing, muscular, bald man with pale white skin, red war-paint stripes on his face and body, a loincloth and skirt-type dealie, armored-boots, and fiery blades grafted to his wrists with long lengths of chain.

"At last, my search has come to a halt. The Fates have rewarded my persistence by delivering me my long sought-after prize. Haruhi Suzumiya.... your reign of terror is at an end," the man declared ominously, pointing one of his blades at Haruhi.

"Ummmmmmmmmmm... who the hell are you?" Haruhi asked with widened eyes. The other four looked like they were on the verge of wetting themselves. Except for Yuki- one of her eyebrows was just raised slightly.

"The gods call me...... Kratos," the man announced wistfully.

"I see that. But why are you here?" Haruhi asked inquisitively.

Kratos reached behind his back and pulled out something. Itsuki and Yuki readied themselves as he withdrew- a piece of paper?

"By missing your court date, you have allowed yourself to have been placed on a list of wanted bounties. I have been selected for the sole purpose of bringing you in... as a whole or in pieces," Kratos said mysteriously.

Haruhi blinked and then grit her teeth. "As I said before, I haven't done anything bad to anyone! ...At least not recently. None of that stuff is true! I am not going to appear in court, and that's THAT!!"

The piece of paper in Kratos' hand exploded into flame and he then twirled both his blades around dangerously. "So it comes to this then? Very well. May the gates of Hades be merciful on your soul, Haruhi Suzumiya. No more will you spurn the fandom that worships you so. May the sins of your life be washed clean.... IN BLOOD!!!"

Haruhi backed away from Kratos; more in befuddlement than fear. "What the hell are you even yammering about? I have never even done anything to my beloved fans! And why do you sound like I pissed you off somehow? WE'VE NEVER EVEN MET!"

Kratos narrowed his eyes. "Oh, we have met before...." he turned to the side dramatically, "...in my deepest nightmares."

"Excuse me?" Itsuki said, piping in his own two cents. "Name one thing Miss Suzumiya has done to anger you."

Kratos dug around in his loincloth's pocket for a bit before coming up with the complete boxset of Endless Eight dubbed in English.

"Oh. That," Itsuki gulped.

"Don't lump me with that!" Haruhi whined. "Even I didn't want to do that! Blame the studios!"

Smirking, Kratos tossed the offending object into the wastepaper-basket, and pulled out a red soda can, that depicted Haruhi drinking one of the same cans in her sailor fuku. "Then pray tell..... What is this, then?"

Kyon groaned and Haruhi facepalmed before slumping into her chair. "Awww, crap, I knew that one deal would come back to bite me in the ass one of these days.... Look, we were just starting the show out, Lucky Star needed a cameo, Coke Cola made an offer, there was this cute little villa I had my eye on in France for a while.... OKAY!!! I was weak! They practically shoved all that cash at us! What was I supposed to do?!"

"You could have resisted your greed. But no. You did not. You simply engorged yourself by suckling on the corporate teat of the bloated and corrupt soda industry. And now you must be punished. The days of fans flooding YouTube with multiple Abridged versions of your show, poorly-worded character image songs and audio dramas being mass-produced, and image-wars being waged between mortals with no lives has come to an end," Kratos hissed, moving forward towards his prey.

Mikuru started crying, Itsuki and Yuki stood their ground, and Kyon decided to get Haruhi out of harm's way. He stopped when he noticed Haruhi was smiling brightly.

"Well, that seems all nice an peachy, Mr. Needs-a-tan. But I'm god. I'm not going in that easy. So.... take this!" Haruhi roared, snapping her fingers.

There was a loud tearing sound as a steel girder the size of a telephone-pole suddenly crashed through the ceiling. Kratos was impaled through the torso and killed instantly, not even given a chance to scream or writhe in agony. Kyon and the others looked on in a stunned silence as Haruhi strutted towards the body.

"Ha! That's what happens when you mess with me! Right, guys?" Haruhi asked her friends, growing concerned when she saw their now freaked-out looks. "...What?"

"So, you are more powerful than you appear."

Haruhi jumped and spun around to find herself face to chest with.... Kratos. His arms were crossed and a glare had settled itself on his face. The odd thing was that he was completely cleans of any wounds.

That, and his body was still in the middle of the room, run through with the girder.

"But........ HOW?! How can you be in two places at once?!" Haruhi demanded.

"I have many tricks at my disposal, child," Kratos said haughtily.

"Fine....... THEN TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE!!!"

A bolt of lightning tore through the window and zapped Kratos into a pile of charred flesh and bones. Haruhi trudged over and kicked at the mound of burnt ashes, and smiled.

"Ha. I got you that time, ghosty! A lot harder than Ares, huh?" she sneered.

"Actually, Ares was much less irritating compared to you," said Kratos as he climbed in through the window, using his Blades of Chaos as grappling-hooks. Mikuru screamed and ran away from the window in terror, dragging Itsuki and Yuki with her.

"But.... How.... How did....?" Haruhi asked, completely stupefied by the bounty hunter's sudden revival. She then set him on fire, beheaded him, drowned him, hit him with a meteor, stung him with killer-bees, RickRolled him, drove a Landmaster over him, and spammed him from 4chan. And every single time Kratos died, he simply waltzed back into the room as though nothing had ever happened.

"How do you keep doing that?" asked an exasperated Haruhi as Kratos leaned against her favorite chair.

"Haruhi, he's the freaking god of war! He's been killed at least FIVE times in his own series! He just escapes from the underworld each time!" Kyon screamed frantically.

"The boy is wise. In fact, it's taking me even less time to escape from there now. Hades doesn't seem to be trying hard enough. Having your own weapon used against you to rip your own soul out tends to do that to the Lord of the Dead. I rather much prefer the James Wood version...." Kratos mused, inspecting a bloody fingernail of his.

"Oh. I understand perfectly, Mr. Kratos. Say! How about instead of you bringing me in to court today, I give you Mikuru, here? You'll love her! She's perfect for a sex mini-game!" Haruhi had now grabbed Mikuru as a shield to use. The red-head starting squirming madly as Kratos grabbed her by the arm.... and pushed her lightly to the side.

"She's no Aphrodite," Kratos said flatly. Haruhi shrank back along the wall near the door. Mikuru, on the other hand, wore a mask of extreme hatred.

"HEY, BUDDY! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?! I AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, HUH??? I'M TOP-QUALITY MOE MASCOT, RIGHT HERE!!! ANYONE WOULD GIVE THEIR CHANCE TO RAPE ME IF THEY COULD! I'M FANSERVICE PERSONIFIED, MOTHERFUCKER!" Mikuru raged. Now _even _Yuki was surprised. After a second, Mikuru calmed down and resumed her cowering.

"Sorry. My therapist says I'm under a lot of stress..." she whispered to herself.

"Right..." Kratos strolled past Mikuru and towards Haruhi. Haruhi's face of fright became one of anger in less than a second, and she drew out a blue and white rapier from behind her back out of thin air. She twirled it a few times in a threatening manner before pointing it at the Ghost of Sparta.

"Bring it, pasty!" Haruhi sneered as she leaped right at her foe. The two engaged in a clash of steel, Haruhi using her powers to grant her knowledge of sword-fighting. She got in a few blows, but Kratos was able to parry and block most of her moves. For some weird reason, whenever Kratos even barely nicked Haruhi, large puddles of blood flew out of her and stained the floor. There weren't even any visible cuts to show proof of injury.

"Interesting," remarked Yuki as Itsuki and Mikuru got splashed.

"A little help here, you idiots!" Haruhi shouted as she stumbled back, panting. As Haruhi reeled back in order to catch her breath, a large, black, and red circle materialized over her head. Kratos sheathed his weapons and ran right at her.

That's when everything got really weird in slow-motion....

_**CIRCLE!**_

Kratos grabbed Haruhi by her waist and spun her around, knocking her rapier away.

_**TRIANGLE!**_

Haruhi tried to kick him in the groin, but the Ghost of Sparta blocked the blow by raising his knee, causing her to recoil in pain.

_**SQUARE!**_

Kratos reached into a small sack at his side and pulled out a pair of hand-cuffs.

_**ROTATE THE ANALOG STICK CLOCKWISE!**_

As Haruhi struggled, quickly fastened them on onto both her wrists with a satisfying click. She let out a small cry as she was suddenly slung over his shoulder like a sack of salt. And then a ton of red orbs poured out of Haruhi (Kratos would later use them to level up the Cestus later). And as though none of this weirdness hadn't even occurred, he casually strolled out of the room with Haruhi, whistling lightly.

"KOIZUMI!!!" yelled Haruhi. "Call up the Agency! I'm fighting this! Let them try to bring me down! I want the best lawyer money can buy! I want all the best references and witnesses to my character and innocence as you can find! I want- Hey! Easy on the fuku, you warmonger!" Haruhi complained to Kratos, pounding on his back with her fists.

"Ugh, Hermes whined less than you...." Kratos muttered harshly. Slowly, but surely, the rest of the SOS Brigade trialed after their captured leader. Itsuki was already chatting on his phone to Mori and the others to meet them downtown in a bit.

Kyon merely shrugged his arms as he followed the group down the hall. "Look at it this way, Haruhi," he called after her, "at least you got off easier than Hercules."

"Oh, ha ha ha ha, Mr. Comedian."

*******

**Two Hours Later...**

*******

The group of anime teens followed after Mori and Arakawa down a white hall in the court house. It was a pretty fancy brick building on the outside to begin with, complete with two floors, a lobby, and everything else that makes a place of law boring and tedious. Haruhi had to take a pledge at the entrance to not use any of her powers to influence people before Kratos set her down and uncuffed her (her supernatural pals also signed one, too).

Then he went to go eat a donut.

"We've made a call for one of the best lawyers around, Miss Suzumiya. They say he's won every case," Mori said to the assembly of kids behind her.

"Oh? Who is he?" Mikuru asked in curiosity.

"Phoenix Wright."

A chorus of "Ooooooohs!" fell over the group. They then came to a complete stop and stood before a large oak door. Arakawa opened it slightly for them. Mori hung back, looking like a frightened deer.

"Your opposing party is right behind this door. Try to talk to him and see if you can guess his intentions," the elderly man said to Itsuki and the others.

"Well, do. But, Arakawa.... why did you say that you and Mori plan to stay outside?" asked the perplexed esper kid. The others found this odd as well- as soon as they had arrived at the building, Mori had quickly said she didn't want to see this Ultros guy. She was all pale and shaking, and muttering things about rape and rotten sushi. It was probably a childhood trauma thing, so none of them asked her.

"Let's just get this over with..." Haruhi grumbled, reaching for the doorknob. Before she could fully open it up, Mori stopped her.

"Keep an eye on his hands...." the maid said with a light hiss.

"Ummm..... Sure thing Mori..." answered the mildly-disturbed Haruhi. The party left the two espers in the hall and entered the room. It was a small area, with plain white walls, a single light-bulb, and a wooden table with a folding-chair in front for Haruhi. Standing on either side of it were the Tamaru brothers, dressed in suits. She moved in to take her seat and almost did a double-take (along with everyone else, sans Yuki) at her foe on the table's opposite side.

Across from the table, seated not in a chair but in a large, rusty, metal vat of seawater, was the person who had taken legal action against the Brigade. He wasn't really a person, per say. He was actually a rather big octopus the size of a sofa, with grape-purple skin, yellow crescent-shaped eyes with red irises, and a mouthful of sharp-looking yellow teeth, that looked like old Pringles. And hovering next to him was another freak- a big, tickled-pink, cloud-like _thing _with pointy ears, gaping jaws, periwinkle eyes, and a second head with a pointy chin jutting out from where it's tail or ass should be.

"Why, hello there, children! My name is Ultros! And this is my pal, buddy, friend, and lawyer, Mr. Chupon! Say, hello, Mr. Chupon!" the octopus gurgled.

"Fungahhh!" roared the floating monstrosity, which meant "_It is a veritable pleasure to meet our esteemed opponents._" Mikuru just whimpered and cried. The rest of the SOS Brigade just stared in bafflement. It sounded like a watery cough mixed with a lion in a blender.

After noticing the looks he was kidding, Ultros ran a wet tentacle over his face. "What? Whatcha looking at? Is there something on my face? If there isn't, then what you're doing is really rude. I'm royalty, you know! .....On my mother's side, of course."

"Who.... What.... WHO are you?" Haruhi asked quizzically, resisting the urge to reach on over and touch him on the head.

Ultros huffed. "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm suing you."

Haruhi's eyes widened. "That doesn't answer my question! What series are you from, first?"

"Dragon Tales. I taught sharing in an episode before I ate the kids.... Nah, just kidding. I hail from the magical land of Final Fantasy," the monster said dryly.

"Fungahhh!" snarled Chupon, which meant, "_It really is a marvelous place. You should visit it one day when you're in the area._"

"Final Fantasy? The franchise with 1,268,943,711,000 games?" Itsuki asked.

"...............Yes. That one, you campy little putz." Ultros glowered at Itsuki, before giving Haruhi a sultry look. "Now, onto business... I have staged this meeting for one sole reason- to take back what is mine. You stole from me Haruhi Suzumiya. And now, I have come for my vengeance! Nothing will stop me! Not even that sexy little school uniform that you fill out rather nicely."

"Fine.... You're suing me. Big deal. But do you have to keep staring at me like that?! It's creepy enough that you had the audacity to say that my school uniform turns you on...." Haruhi said with a grimace. "AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN I STOLE FROM YOU?!?!?!"

"Honey, you could wear a parka, snow-pants, army boots, your alien buddy's witch hat, and I'd _still _keep undressing you with my peepers~..... And you did steal from me," Ultros said with a leer. Haruhi and Mikuru suddenly hid behind Kyon. Yuki just stood there posing cutely. Ignoring that, Kyon moved past Keiichi to make his voice heard.

"All right, _Mr. _Ultros. I think I see through your little game. Whatever you're up to, it isn't going to work. Now we can be civil about this and-" Kyon was cut off as a glob of ink suddenly splattered onto his shirt. "HEY!!"

"Sorry. You say something, muscle-head?" sneered Ultros, wiping some ink off his lips.

"Jerk-ass." Kyon snatched the tissue Yutaka handed him in order to clean himself up. "Thanks."

"No problem," Yutaka said with a bow. "Happened to me earlier."

"He inked you?"

"No. The pink one sneezed on me."

"Heh heh. It was hilarious," laughed Keiichi, while his brother glared.

"ANYWAYS......" Haruhi continued, "What did I steal from you? Was it good looks? Cause you don't seem to have any. Heh."

Ultros frowned, but then grinned. "Oho~. Joke all you want, but I will win this. I'll explain my position in the name of the law. But first, a prayer."

"A prayer?" deadpanned Kyon and Haruhi.

"Yes. I need to ask the outside forces for luck and strength. May I?" the sea-dweller asked.

"This will go bad....." Mikuru feared.

"Fine. Pray. You'll need it if you're going to go up against God," Haruhi replied with her trademark evil grin.

Nodding to Chupon, Ultros leaned forward in his vat, clasped four of his arms together and began to chant in a sing-song voice:

_"I am the bone of my sliminess_

_Seafood soup is my body, ink is my blood._

_I have molested over a thousand tasty morsels_

_Unknown to ladies_

_Nor known by muscle-heads._

_I have withstood pain to create a defense against Fire, Thunder, and Blizzard._

_Yet, my tentacles will never fondle anyone without consent._

_So as I pray..._

_...unlimited Ultros works." _

Everyone stared in complete and utter silence at the violet cephalopod. When he noticed the looks he was getting, he merely grinned coyly.

"Well.... impressed by my prayer, ladies and germs?" he oozed in a sweet tone of voice.

"....Actually, I'm more amazed you didn't burst into flames upon praying," Haruhi snapped, eyes narrowed.

"I am reminded of servants...." Yuki whispered.

"Bleah. You won't be so sure of your sweet self once I'm rolling in dough. C'mon, Mr. Chupon. Let's boogie onto the stand," Ultros hissed to his friend/lawyer as he heaved himself out of the metal tub and onto the floor. The duo then slithered and floated away, Ultros leaving a trail of sea-water and gunk in his wake.

Keiichi stepped up to open the door for them to leave and slipped in the filth. "OW!!! My fucking back!" he swore.

"Now, THAT was funny," Yutaka snickered.

"Ki hi hi hi hi hi hi~....." giggled Ultros as he and his partner strolled off to parts unknown, the door shutting behind them.

"Hmmmmpf! Who does he think he is? I'll win this case hands-down! What advantage does he have?" Haruhi boasted loudly.

"Actually..." Keiichi said, peeling himself off the floor, "He got to pick the opposing jury."

"..........He did?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"He won the rock-paper-scissors game with Mori. Three out of two times."

Haruhi cursed- damn the being who decided rock-paper-scissors decided everything in court decisions!

"And then he slapped her a-" Yutaka was silenced with a glare from Itsuki. "So, yeah. He got to pick the people for the jury. On the plus side, though, it's consisted entirely of people you know, Miss Suzumiya."

"Oh? Is that so....." contemplated Haruhi, already brewing up a scheme. "I can still clinch this. When does this Wright guy get here? I need only the best, you know!"

"Uhhhh, yeah..... About that.... I guess Mori and Arakawa didn't know yet," Keiichi said ruefully, scratching his head.

Haruhi's face fell and she advanced on the two epsers. "Tell me what, guys?"

"Ah ha ha ha. It's just that we received a call and it turns out..... Phoenix Wright is running late. Ha ha ha ha..." Yutaka finished for his brother.

Everyone watched as Haruhi's eyes suddenly turn into minuscule pupils before growing back to normal size. After that, she grabbed both sides of her head, dug her fingers into the skin of her cheeks, while emitting the worst possible scream imaginable from her mouth, through gritted teeth. Her face became even more purple than Yuki's hair as she stomped the ground. After twisting around for a minute, Haruhi straightened up and faced her friends, smiling sweetly.

_This is not good... _Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki thought simultaneously.

"That's okay. I don't need that fine a lawyer. I'm Haruhi Suzumiya. I can make do with anyone. Who's representing me now?" Haruhi asked cheerfully, still wearing that creepy smile.

Yutaka nervously cleared his throat, straightened his tie, and said, "Well, seeing as how the Agency has served you for so long, we decided to seek out someone worthy and reliable in the field of law. But, seeing as how all our current available staff is unable to appear in court due to restraining orders with each other, we found-"

At this, the door behind Haruhi burst open, and Tsuruya barged in, dressed in an emerald business suit with a matching skirt, and a briefcase in one hand. "Yo, everyone! Tsuruya- Attorney at law, at your service!" She finished her intro with a bow, stood up, and grinned happily.

No one said anything for about fifteen uncomfortable seconds.

"....... the next best thing we could get," Yutaka finished, dabbing at his forehead with a washcloth, His brother seemed to share his opinion as he was seen drinking out of a flask.

"Don't you worry, Haruhi! My folks sent me to law school for a few weeks and I learned a bunch in the times I paid attention! I know all there is to know about the long arm of the law! Check this out! Ahem..... _**OBJECTION!**_ See? HOW WAS THAT?!" Tsuruya asked in a sugar-charged frenzy, jumping up and down as well.

Haruhi simply grabbed her head with both hands and began to bash herself against the wall. "...I probably should have stayed at home in bed eating bonbons and watching 24, and let Kratos eviscerate me, huh?"

"Maybe...." Kyon sighed in agreement.

But what our friends didn't know, was that they were being eavesdropped on. The door Ultros and Chupon had gone through was open a smidgen, allowing the duo to hear bits and pieces of the conversation. Once they had gotten enough info, Ultros shut the door gingerly and grinned nastily at his smog-like comrade.

"You sure this hallway is soundproof?" asked the recurring miniboss. His underling nodded rapidly in quick succession.

"Fabulous! Hee hee! They are screwed aren't they, Mr. Chupon?" giggled Ultros.

"Fungahhh!" spoke Chupon, but what he actually said was, "_Indeed, oh, esteemed leader of mine._"

"Thanks for that. Now all we have to do is to make sure those dorks we got for the jury turn against that cocky little freak. Shouldn't be too hard, what with that nameless judge out of the way.... Heh heh heh..."

"Which is _exactly _why you hired me to help you guys out...." said an oily voice coming towards them. Heading towards the two monsters was another beast- a giant, dog-like, yellow monster that walked on two stubby legs. His whole body was squat and covered in strange red markings, while the top of his head was home to four stubby horns. A long red tongue lolled out of a drooling mouth, set below a wet brown nose that was under four identical blue eyes. In the freak's right clawed-paw, he held a tiny wooden hammer.

Ultros' face beamed. "Belome~! Baby, how has the sewer been treating you? Get enough to eat? How's that temple in that desert?"

"Good, yeah, and kinda shabby. All those statues kinda give me the creeps now. But it's all good now. Thanks for letting me take such an important role in this plan of yours?" Belome the dog-beast answered.

"No problem. You should have seen those muscle-heads in there. All brawn, and no brains. Scamming those guppies won't take long at all. And then my revenge will be complete..." Ultros cackled to himself before turning to look at Belome once again. "Say.... How did you make sure that judge wouldn't interfere? I thought it would take longer than only a few minutes. He weighs the cases of EVERYONE in this town."

Belome licked a fang of his. "Oh, don't worry about that, you guys. I took care of him already...."

_****Flashback****_

_The nameless Judge sat at his desk, writing his name on some important documents. As he was setting one aside, he heard a tapping at a window. Turning around, he saw it was Belome, holding a small pink box._

_"Oh? And who are you, odd-looking, chicken-dog, thing?" asked the Judge._

_Belome shook off the insult and took out a doughnut. "Heya, mister.... if you give me your mallet, I'll give you a bear-claw."_

_The Judge beamed brightly and held out his gavel. "IT'S A DONE-DEAL!"_

_"Thank you." And a moment later, Belome hit him over the head with the tiny hammer, tied and gagged him, and stuffed him into a conveniently-placed broom closet. _

_****End Flashback****_

"Yup. An ingenious plan indeed," Belome said to himself, grinning like the gluttonous mook he was. "No WAY I was giving away a doughnut."

"Wow. Easily deceptive. For a second, I thought you ate him," Ultros admitted. Chupon looked pretty confused as well.

"Well, I was gonna. But then I saw that he was an old guy. And old people suck."

"............I have no response for that. Anyways, remember the plan, boys?"

"Fungahhh!" screeched Chupon, but what he really meant was, "_Indeed, we do, boss. Our fellow cohorts are all ready to do their parts. We even acquired those individuals you wanted to testify._"

"Good, good. And now.... what about Wright?" drawled the purple menace.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! What are we gonna do about him?! He's as sharp as a butter-knife for sure, but he always figures these things out! How are we gonna off him? Ya want me to eat him?" Belome asked, drool already coating his fangs.

"Fungahhh!" roared Chupon, waving a clawed-hand through the air. This verbal outburst stood for, "_Not to worry, my salivating simpleton of a canine. I have already taken the liberty of hiring some outside help in order to eliminate our hindrance. By the time the day is through, Haruhi Suzumiya will be finished, her character destroyed, and the only next appearance of Mr. Wright will be in the local obituaries._"

"My. You're awfully chatty today, Mr. Chupon," marveled Ultros. "Ya know...... it's times like these that make a guy realize what great henchmen he has around." And with that, Ultros took out a damp tissue and blew his nonexistent-nose into it.

"Can we laugh evilly now?" requested Belome.

"Huh? Oh, sure. And then we can go and _prepare_ for my fantastic performance. But first......." Ultros threw back his head and laughed a great, nasally, clogged-up laugh that sounded like he had a sore throat while eating mashed-potatoes. "GAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"

"BLEAH HEH HEH HEE HEE HEH HEH HA!!!" chortled Belome.

"Fungahhh!" roared Chupon. What he really said was, "_Tee hee~._"

And so the trio strolled off down the empty sound-proof hall, greed in their hearts, and mild evil on their faces.

***

**Across Town at an Apartment Complex...**

***

"Crap. I am SO late, right now...." murmured a well-dressed man with spiky black hair and a clean blue suit. "I wonder if leaving Pearl alone with all those opened boxes of Lucky Charms was such a good idea? ...Nah. She wouldn't start another fire TWICE in a week. Ha ha ha! Kids."

The man was renowned layer, Phoenix Wright. Master of the courtroom, lover of justice, objectioner of evil, tripper of curbs, player of pianos, and tipper of cows. Though, he'd given up on crime-investigation long ago, his fans wouldn't quit, and thus, he found himself falling back into his old profession time and time again. But he had gotten a very important call from some very powerful people, and couldn't refuse. Plus, he needed the dough; ever since Sal Manella had gotten him into Lucky Star, he found his expenses draining away at a quicker ate than usual.

Unfortunately, Phoenix got up late in the morning and had to rush in a hurry (feel free to hum the opening from The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog if you want as you envision the scene) in order to catch a cab to the courthouse. The buses weren't operating due to a strike concerning lolis being brushed up against while standing up or some crap like that.

Desperate for a ride, the defense attorney saw that there was a short girl in her teens on the corner, performing an oil change on a rather beautiful Brough Superior motorcycle. She had short, dark hair under a leather cap adorned with goggles. A tan coat and outdoor clothing covered her light frame. Nervous, he approached her.

"Excuse me, miss, but I was wondering if you could give me a lift to the courthouse downtown? I'd take a taxi or bus, but I'm running really, REALLY behind schedule," Phoenix begged. The girl stood up from her task and turned to face the desperate lawyer with a look of indifference on her face.

After giving him an icy stare for a few seconds, she simply shrugged. "I don't see the harm in doing that. I'm bored as it is anyways. Hop on."

Smiling like a goofball, he hopped on the back seat. "My name is Phoenix Wright."

"Mmmmm. Call me Kino." The girl smiled at him nicely.

"And I'm Hermes. Good thing you came along, mister. Kino was right in the middle of molesting me due to her chrome-fetish," the motorcycle said in a lilting voice.

Kino's calmness vanished in an instant and she viciously kicked the side of her ride. "HERMES!!! Stop saying that to random strangers! ...And I told you that in confidence!"

"Help me, sir! She's crazy!" Hermes yelled, struggling wildly.

"Yeah.... Sure.... Can I get that ride yet?" Phoenix wasn't really fazed by this. He'd seen enough weirder things ever since that cat-bus tried to run him over.

"Oh. Sure thing," Kino said peacefully. "C'mon, Hermes. Let's travel on."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, you horny, loud-mouthed, desperate-for-human-contact, bi-" Whatever Hermes said next was drowned out as he revved to life and sped off down the street.

Had Phoenix, Kino, and Hermes looked behind them, they would have noticed five, blue, well-groomed heads pop out of the nearby bushes behind them, giggling wickedly......

"See them? That is our quarry," Ryoko Asakura said with a cold-hearted smile.

"I certainly do. Not much, but I do love blood..." drawled a nearly identical girl, who looked like she was from a certain Haruhi light novel that was recently made into a movie.

"I can finally get my revenge on Kyon in an indirect way. If Suzumiya suffers, then he will suffer as well!" laughed Ryoko Achakura, jumping on the head of the original Ryoko.

"But I like Kyon. It's that stupid girl with green hair I want to kill...." seethed another blue-headed chibi, with a mouth shaped like the number three.

"I just want to kill Kyonko. Or at least feel her softness. Hmmmhmmm~..." hummed Ryou Asakura, whipping his samurai-esque ponytail around.

"Well, Chupon promised us a lot of things to get you idiots to say yes. He did say we could do whatever we want with our share of the SOS Brigade's money. Imagine.... our OWN show~! Just as long as Wright doesn't get there to that court. And we won't let that happen.... will we now?" Ryoko balanced a knife on the tip of her ring finger, smiling like a lioness with a hunk of zebra in front of it.

AURyoko, Achakura, Ashakura, and Ryou all giggled like demons devouring the souls of sinners. After the laughter subsided, Ryoko quickly added, "....and Kino, too".

AURyoko blinked. "Err. Chupon didn't say anything about killing Kino or that bike of hers."

"Oh? I guess we should just get rid of her. Just to be safe." Ryoko started to head towards their hidden vehicle, buried under leaves and twigs.

"Why would you want to kill, Kino, sis?" Achakura asked, with her regular adorableness. Ryoko stared upwards, her eyes dangerously close to the small counterpart on her forehead now.

"Uhhhhhhh.... BECAUASE, SHE'S FUCKING KINO, YOU DUMB MIDGET! Haven't you ever met the girl? She's a total fucking asshole!" she raged.

"Really? I think she's pretty cool," Ashakura said with a giggle. Ryoko's stare shut her up.

"No! She's a _**complete **_asshole...." the yandere hissed.

"I think you hate her because she has more knives than you, and that one is even a gun," smirked Ryou. Ryoko grabbed him by the tie and kneed him in the groin. "Ohhhhhhhh.....! I think you moved them into my chest now...."

Grinning, Ryoko flung him into the back of their now-uncovered ride. "Now that we're all clear, let's jet! Time to paint the town red.... WITH THEIR BLOOD!!! MWA HA HA HA!"

There was a roar, and then the murderous blunettes were off, flying down the road in their blue Jeep painted to look like a shark.

The horror.

* * *

**A/N: I'll introduce which OCs will be appearing in the next chapter as well as which stories they have appeared in so you don't get confused. And to those who were gracious enough to let me borrow them for this part, thank you very much.**

**Here's who's who:**

**Kratos: The anti-hero of the God of War game. Likes killing monsters, upgrading weapons, killing gods, and his wife and daughter. Not much of a talker, given anyone who meets him gets to say anything except for screaming.**

**Ultros: Final Fantasy 6 miniboss who dogs the party a lot. He's loud, obnoxious, sneaky, lecherous, and has a thing for music.... sorta. Hates fire and lightning.**

**Chupon: Mysterious monster who can only talk in roars, that only Ultros can understand. He always sounds like he has a cold.**

**Belome: Monster that is fought twice in the game, Super Mario RPG. He's always hungry and looking for an easy meal. Master of cloning things and sleep-based spells, too.**

**Kino: Main star of the anime, Kino's Journey. Kinda quiet.**

**Hermes: Kino's talking motorcycle. Gets his words wrong at times. **

**And the actual trial will follow up as well. Cross your fingers if you hope none of it will be civilized at all or make any friggin' sense. I can assure you there will be surprise-witnesses, breakdowns, and nonsensical pieces of evidence. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	78. Lawyers, Money, and Seafood Soup: Part 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Here we are, boys and girls. The trial. Let's get this train-wreck on the move by introducing the characters that I was allowed to use, brief descriptions of them so that you won't get lost, where they are from, and which great friends of mine made them. We have:**

**Norio- A kindhearted boy with a knack for music who'd do anything for Tsuruya. Is one of that main characters in nukerjsr's "The Cracks of Broken Mosaics". **

**Mirai- The OC featured in Ruka-Pyon Puts Me In A Spin's "I Am The Future, Mirai Nagato". Nice and gentle, and also Yuki and Kyon's data-made daughter. **

**Four-eyes- Another name for the young boy with glasses who Kyon saves from Fujiwara in the light novels and who eventually creates time-travel. Named by aprilfool1993 and appears in his fanfic, "The New Adventures of the SOS Brigade". **

**Murkuro- A friendly and youthful slider boy who belongs to 7MurukroRealm7. Shows up in a lot of his fanfics. **

**Oruki and Naru- Haruhi's hotheaded father and lighthearted mother. Owned by JonBob0008 and they appear in the story, "Meet the Suzumiyas". A pretty unknown fic with very little feedback. You guys should go and read it after this. :3 **

**And we also have two characters from Katawa Shoujo making brief appearances in this. It's a cool visual novel that has come out. Features a boy attempting to befriend one of many disabled and handicapped girls at his school. Really nice artwork. Look it up sometime. **

**Oh, and some of Ultros' dialogue here is from the YouTube video called "****The Spirit of Truth", which features an insane priest screaming on a radio show. It's pretty damn funny. Thanks to some epic friend who helped me come up with all the jokes and stuff. Especially ObsidianWarrior, who lent me an OC of his own creation for a bit later in this arc, and got me off my fat, lazy, procrastinating ass to write this again.**

**P.S.: This arc ended up being a little bit longer than I originally had planned. When I saw how big this turned out, I decided to split it in half. So it'll be four parts all together. Silly ol' me. ...I suck at announcements, don't I? **

**

* * *

**

**Lawyers, Money, and Seafood Soup: Part 2: **

Within minutes, the SOS Brigade and Tsuruya were seated together behind a large wooden table, a similar one a few feet away from them for Ultros. Tsuruya sat down in her seat next to Haruhi, looking straight ahead in order to look prim and proper. The effect was like a little kid trying on their parent's shoes.

And occupying the empty benches behind them were a myriad of characters sitting around, looking eager to see the case begin. Some of these faces included the main cast of Lucky Star (sans Konata), K-ON!, Guile from Street Fighter, the main gang from Higurashi, a Mudkip, a Waddle Dee, Mr. Kimidori, the rest of the chibified SOS Brigade, Churuya, the jerkass Churuya SOS Brigade, Ichigo Kurosaki, and the line-up from Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Not only that, but a Darknut-a hulking knight covered in black, gothic armor, from the Legend of Zelda series (Twilight Princess namely)-was acting as the bailiff, and even wearing a small blue cap on his helmet.

Yup. A real who's who of senseless, pointless crossovers and cameos.

LET'S MOVE ON, SHALL WE.....

"Are you sure you can handle my case, Tsuruya? No offense, but I have extremely little faith in you," Haruhi whispered to her green-headed lawyer.

Tsuruya merely ignored (or didn't notice) Haruhi's insult as she smiled and said, "No problem, Haruhi! I got this case practically in the bag!"

She patted her briefcase in reassurance. The latch suddenly came undone, spilling out its numerous contents out. Among a mess of stapled papers were a fuzzy-looking PB&J sandwich, a half-eaten apple, a coloring book, a stapler, a "How To Be a Successful Attorney For Dummies" book, and two pieces of lint.

"WE'RE FREE!!!" screamed Dust-kun and Dust-Chan, quickly scurrying out of the room, so that they could appear in another chapter. So............ THAT'S WHERE THEY WERE ALL THIS TIME!!!!

"AH! Been lookin' for these!" Tsuruya exclaimed as she snatched up the apple, sandwich, and stapler, and jammed them all into her mouth. As she chewed on them, Haruhi turned to Kyon.

"Kyon......" she began.

"Yeah?" Kyon asked in anxiety.

"I am starting to think I may be in real trouble here."

Kyon slapped himself in the face. "Really, now? _Whatever_ gave you that idea?"

"Well, as long as anything else absurd doesn't occur, I have feeling we'll be able to get through this crisis," Itsuki said in an attempt to assure everybody.

The door at the back of the room suddenly swung open Ultros and Chupon made their appearances, confidently striding inside. Everyone's eyes widened a bit at them. Not that they were monsters, mind you, but the fact that the duo were wearing ludicrous outfits. Chupon was decked out in a snazzy red overcoat that barely fit him, along with a black vest and a white undershirt with a frilly collar that stuck out. A jaunty black bowler sat between his pink pointed ears. Ultros looked even worse, wearing a purple tuxedo around his upper body and sticking two of his arms through the matching pants like a big mitten. Completing the look was a polka-dot blue bowtie and a pair of oversized coke-bottle glasses on his slick face. He was like the unholy lovechild of Groucho Marx and Larry H. Parker.

"On second thought, I could be wrong...." Itsuki groaned slumping into his seat.

"Sorry, everyone. I had to get all primped and dolled up for my big case," Ultros said smoothly to the people sitting around. "Ain't that right, Mr. Chupon?"

"Fungahhh!" barked Chupon, but what he had actually said in front of the confused crowd was, "_Yes. We had to dress in the proper attire if we are to frame a somewhat innocent, Japanese, and possibly bisexual schoolgirl for a large sum of money._"

"Oh. Okay," muttered the audience, oblivious to the garbled howl's true words.

And for your convenience only, friendly reader, Chupon's actual dialogue will be put into italics. Good? Okay. Fabulous.

The door near the front of the room opened up, allowing Belome to squeeze in through. He was wearing a black cloak, holding the gavel in one stubby paw, and holding a stereotypical judge wig in the other. As he climbed into his stand, Kyon had to make an observation.

"Who are you? You're not the regular judge," the menial tasks kid pointed out in front of the equally-puzzled pack of onlookers.

"Well, big, giant duh. I am his............. replacement. Yup. He's sick. Got the Bird Flu from a wild Pidgey. Yeah. _Yes, that will do~...._" Belome said to himself, giggling slightly. Meanwhile, Ultros was asking himself why he didn't bother to recruit Croco instead.

"All rise for the honorable Judge Belome!" the Darknut announced as Belome climbed into his seat. If you're curious, his name is actually Doakes. Officer Doakes.

After that blatant Dexter reference, Haruhi glared up at Belome. "Honorable.... Yeah, right!" Haruhi grumbled, not liking the freaky-looking beast at all.

Belome sighed, playing around with his small mallet. "Yeah, yeah, princess. Let's just get on with the case. I got a date with a submarine sandwich shop in a while." He cleared his throat, placed on the powdery white judge wig, and slammed his judge mallet down. "Court is now in session!"

"Excellent! Now true justice can be served like lawful hot-fudge sundaes! May I please be allowed to summon forth my surprise witnesses AKA the jury?" Ultros asked kindly, flashing his grimy fangs.

"Go ahead, my friend from under the sea!" Belome beamed.

"Why, thank you, Judge Belome! It is an honor to have you rewrite a wrong for me!"

"Not a problem at all! It is my civic duty to ensure justice is fulfilled!"

"Quite true!"

Tsuruya suddenly leaned in close to Haruhi and the others. "Haruhi, I don't wanna alarm you, but.......... I got a gut-feeling that those two may _know_ each other, nyoro!"

At this, the SOS Brigade headdesked. Ultros whistled shrilly, and the door to the back of the room opened again. This time, a crowd of people marched through the door. The SOS Brigade recognized many of them immediately. There were both of Haruhi's parents, Naru and Oruki, walking together. Naru waved cutely at Haruhi from her place, while Oruki took one look at his daughter and stared down at his shoes. Next up was a young teenage girl with Yuki's body structure and hairstyle, but with Kyon's eye and hair color. Then came this little boy around Imouto's age who was wearing a pair of glasses. Trailing after him was another boy, but he was older, had blond hair, a white robe, and some mask thingie on the side of his face. Finally, there was this other older boy with cool, black, short hair. He waved in a kind of awkward way at the Brigade. And last, but not least, was the whole Anti-SOS Brigade. Sasaki looked a bit worried, Kyouko was beaming, Fujiwara was sneering, and Kuyou was being Kuyou.

"Oh, CRAP. Kyon! It's several of my worst enemies..... AND THE ANTI-SOS BRIGADE!!!" Haruhi shouted in an over the top way.

"It's just your parents, Haruhi," Kyon muttered as he took in the crowd. "And also a few OCs we have interacted with."

"I can see that, you idiot! It's just that I know no idea how I've act towards these guys in the past! Fame, wealth, luxury, and having your personality warped and worked for fan-stuff kinda makes you forget about one-time characters you worked with..." Haruhi whispered.

"Don't ya worry, Haruhi. I got my _own _surprise-witnesses!" Tsuruya chuckled to her friends.

"How assuring," droned Yuki. She _actually_ meant to use her dull voice this time.

"Members of this esteemed court, I am Ultros. You may know me from Final Fantasy 6. I was a loveable miniboss from there. And I still am. But I am here in this house of the law to have a great wrong corrected against me. The wrong....." Ultros sat up from his chair and threw an accusing glare at Haruhi, "....COMMITTED AGAINST ME BY THAT EVIL CHILD!!!"

"I am not evil!" Haruhi shouted, launching herself upwards. This caused Kyouko and Fujiwara to giggle a bit.

"We'll soon see! Anyways, despite the fact that Mr. Chupon is my lawyer, I must interpret for him He's speech ain't that cool on the downlow, mah homies. Ya dig?"

Many of the people in the jury raised their eyebrows (except Naru of course, who was delighted to meet a character she thought was from the Little Mermaid movies). Since when did Ultros develop a _**black **_tone of speech.

"Eh, sure. We....... dig," Murkuro said for all.

"Fabulous! Let me begin my statement. Mr. Chupon will ask the questions and I'll just translate them. Simple? Cool. Let's get this show on the road!" Ultros reclined back on his chair as Chupon glided up in front of Belome's podium.

"What is your name? For paperwork and stuff," Belome mumbled to Ultros, fumbling with a pen.

"I am the great and mighty Ultros!" boomed Ultros proudly.

"I see. Got it. Last name?"

"........Errr. I have no last name."

"....Really?"

"Yeah. Don't got one, don't need one. I'm kinda like Cher," Ultros responded with a sultry spin.

Belome blinked and jotted it down. "Got it, boss- Ummmmm, sir! Yeah. Heh. _Close one_... Anyways, you sweetheart?" He pointed at Tsuruya, who stood up and coughed a bit.

".................I object?" Tsuruya said with a small smile.

"....Say what?"

Everyone dropped their jaws and looked around in befuddlement. Even Chupon and Yuki looked perplexed.

"That's what you say, right?" Haruhi facepalmed at the cheese-lover's stupidity; she was screwed. "Oh, my name is Tsuruya. No last name. Like Madonna." Tsuruya sat down, smiling.

"Ain't she witty and great~?" sighed the love-struck boy with black hair, who was named Norio.

"She's an idiot," deadpanned Oruki.

"I think she's kinda hot!" said the little four-eyed boy, who shall be called Four-eyes from this moment on.

Norio heard them and mentally planned out a nice area to hide their bodies. The girl named Mirai busied herself by playing Patty-cake with Naru, while Murkuro picked his nose with a kendo stick. Sasaki just looked around from her jury seat next to Kuyou wondering if anything really stupid would happen.

Sadly, it did.

"What are the charges?" Belome demanded to Ultros. Chupon made a low growly sound, causing Ultros speak up for him.

"The fact of the manner is that Haruhi Suzumiya blatantly plagiarized some very important opera notes for a musical number that I had written and thoughtfully donated to the local library. "Springtime for Kefka" is what it's called. She borrowed them, pretending to look for something to inspire her, copied them, and passed off my work as her own. Furthermore, when I confronted her on the manner, she attacked me in a drunken rage. I got evidence and everything. Now you all see why I am suing this nasty ol' barracuda." With that, he sat back down and smiled like a fat kid with the key to the candy store.

"Haruhi Suzumiya, how do you plead?" Belome asked.

Haruhi gave her answer right away. "Not guilty! There is NO proof that I am guilty of anything!" she announced proudly.

Oruki buried his face in his hands. "Please kill me..." he muttered.

Tsuruya brushed a stray lock of hair aside. "Correct. Haruhi insisted on a no-alcohol rule after the-" Tsuruya clamped her hands over her mouth.

"After what?" Ultros asked. "May I remind you that we are in a courtroom. Failure to be honest will result in a charge of perjury against you. And we WILL find out if you lie."

Tsuruya released her hands from her mouth. "...After the party on the island. I wasn't there, but Kyon told me! Please don't send me to jail!" she cried.

"Kyon, you bastard! I'm gonna snap your neck!" Haruhi jumped from her seat, only to be restrained seconds later.

"...I have no comment, you all saw what happened," Ultros deadpanned.

_"Agreed," _gargled Chupon.

"Oh, no......... MY BABY IS A HARDENED CRIMINAL!!!" Naru sobbed wildly, jumping like a lemming to conclusions.

"Do you drink when we're not around, Haruhi?!" Oruki snarled.

"No, I don't!" argued Haruhi.

"Ha! As if!" laughed a new voice. Everyone watched as a girl with prosthetic legs, and who also bore an eerie resemblance to Kyouko Tachibana , strutted into the room, followed by a teenage guy with brown hair and an ahoge. Both were dressed in cop uniforms, except that the girl had a black jacket and a pair of black sunglasses.

Tsuruya narrowed her eyes at them. "Who are you two?"

"Aha~! Detectives Emi Ibarazaki and Hisao! So cool of you to join us!" Ultros grinned.

"It's just not cool to be a thief," Emi (the girl) said coolly, snapping her fingers to empathize the word 'cool'. Hisao sighed, wishing he had a bagel right now.

"...Who the hell are these guys?" Haruhi asked, not paying attention.

"Those _guys _are two of the baddest coppers to ever roam the streets of a visual novel! They always help the weak and willing! ...That, and two sleuths with disability issues are much cheaper than a private detective," Ultros concluded. Chupon nodded happily.

"Indeed we are! And I, Emi Ibarazaki, will see to it that the scumbag known as Haruhi Suzumiya will see the foot of the law.........." at this, Emi, put on her shades dramatically and said in a low voice, ".....kick her ass."

_**YEEEEAAAHHH!!! **_yelled the Who.

Hisao facepalmed. "How in the unholy fuck does she keep doing that?"

"What can these two prove?" Kyon asked, still unnerved by that musical riff.

Emi smirked and handed a manila folder to the Darknut bailiff, who in turn gave them to Ultros. "We have photographic evidence."

Ultros opened the envelope. Seven pictures with a handwritten caption on the back and a number on them written in red, runny, cheap ink (to look like blood, most likely), numbered one to seven. Ultros picked up picture one and put it on a projector to display it to the court.

"As all citizens know, the Seven Deadly Sins are held up in this court, and should one citizen be proven guilty of all seven, they have a snowball's chance in hell to be proven not guilty. I aim to show you all, ladies and gentlemen, that Haruhi Suzumiya is not the demure girl with a simple spicy attitude that her fanbase portrays her to be. By using the following pictures, the character of Miss Suzumiya will be put into question. Does stealing from others appear to be in her nature? Would she definitely go for an easy way out? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I bring you.... this!" A picture of Haruhi voraciously eating a large plate of Kobe steak with salmon and various pieces of sushi was posted on a screen.

"Eeek! A monster!" screamed Mirai.

"Nah. That's just Haruhi being an oinker," deadpanned Norio.

"Oh."

"In a little deli smackdab in uptown Japan, Haruhi's meal cost her 5,492 yen. Her SOS Brigade member known as 'Kyon' was sent to pay for it. When he couldn't pay due to him only having 500 yen on his person, he was forced to work it off instead of Haruhi. Both sloth and gluttony have been witnessed, however the picture only displays the latter, so we will charge her with that one sin," Ultros read from the back, marking down his comment on a piece of paper with his inky fourth tentacle-tip.

Haruhi gulped. Ultros changed the picture, stabbing at it with his pointer yet again.

"Second, we show an image of Haruhi Suzumiya threatening Kyon with a broken bottle. Also notice that she holds it to his jugular vein, so if she chose to, she could end his life. Wrath." Kyon sourly stared at Haruhi in memory of the event. Naru started sobbing dramatically. Mirai and Murkuro gasped. Norio just nodded in agreement.

"Tee hee~," giggled Kyouko.

"'Tee-hee'? What kind of sane person has a laugh like that?!" Oruki demanded. Kyouko whined and buried her face in Sasaki's shoulder.

"How very interesting and informative! Do go on!" Belome encouraged.

"Thank you, your Honor. The third image is a cover for her movie, "The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina". A terrible movie with many plot holes and bad acting-" Ultros was interrupted by a loud scream.

"Hey! That was a good movie! I'll kick your ass!" Haruhi shouted. Itsuki and his esper pals just groaned and tried to look as small as possible.

"Hey. I make my ass _very _available!" Ultros countered in an over the top way.

"Did the octopus just turn black?" Fujiwara asked in a dumbfounded voice.

"Did you even take the time to consider just how weird the sentence that just came out of your mouth was?" Sasaki responded back.

"...Good point."

"__I__am__BORED,__" Kuyou muttered.

"Please let me finish, you moro- I mean, ladies and sir... Thank you. She took pride in her horrible film, even sending it to all major award shows in the United States. All of them rejected the film, for obvious reasons. Pride. Three sins down, four to go," Ultros said. Haruhi sighed in defeat.

"For our fourth charge, we go back to sloth. Laziness, pure and simple. Our picture shows Miss Suzumiya filming her 'moe-blob assistant', Mikuru Asahina, performing acrobatic tricks, while Kyon goes across the city and picks up a heater. Did I mention that it would rain? No? Hmm. Your response, Miss Suzumiya?"

"I did work! I filmed Mikuru for our fans-"

"While Kyon walked and took a train in a downpour for a heater. He did more work than you did," Ultros said sassily.

"I guess you could say that Haruhi Suzumiya..." Emi took off and put her shades back on again, "....didn't want to _step _in."

_**YEEEEAAAHHH!!!**_

"Errrr.... Yeah, sure. Sin number five. Greed. Here we have an affidavit from the Computer Club of North High, claiming that Haruhi stole the newest and most expensive computer for her own personal use. A raid of the former Literature Club room proved his statement. The computer's hard drive was wiped and the machine returned to its owners," Ultros declared as Belome nodded, sending drool flying from his floppy tongue.

Kyon turned pale after finding out that he lost the precious 'Mikuru' folder; Haruhi , on the other hand, blacked out. When she woke back up, an image of a diary entry of her own personal secrets was being examined.

Ultros stabbed at the image with his stick again. "...Envy. The sixth sin. Not to be confused with jealousy."

"What happened?" Haruhi whispered to Tsuruya.

"The freaky fish guy said that you were envious of Mikuru grinding on Kyon for the computer mouse. I don't blame you..." Tsuruya whispered back. Haruhi did some mental work. Gluttony, wrath, pride, sloth, greed, and envy. Oh, no. Crap! Not-

"And finally," Ultros slammed down a picture of Haruhi grabbing Mikuru's breasts. "Lust! My personal favorite, folks! Mwe hee hee hee~!" Haruhi's mom fainted and Oruki didn't know if he should gag or keep staring. He chose the latter.

"All seven deadly sins have been committed by Haruhi Suzumiya! This is our evidence! Proof that Haruhi Suzumiya is a motherfucking liar. And I have even more evidence for later if any of you are still not convinced," Ultros proclaimed, pointing at a black briefcase in Chupon's claws, and giving a large bow that hid a devilish grin.

Haruhi made a strangled sound in her throat and lay her head upon the table. Mikuru and Tsuruya patted her on the back and head.

Seeing this, Ultros pointed an arm at them all. "Ah ha! Ya see? You fucked up, huh? You know yo ass is doomed! Bwa ha ha ha!"

The crowd began to whisper and point at Haruhi with their hands. Several pairs of eyes shot concerned and accusatory glances at her. Mori, Arakawa, and the Tamaru brothers formed a sort of wall to block the blushing Haruhi from view. Yuki sat as still as a statue, staring at the gloating sea-creature.

"What a bitch," Yuki said in her deep, black, Abridged series voice.

Kyon was shocked. "Nagato! Show a little respect! Ultros can't help it that he's snooty, and cowardly, and obnoxious, and nasty, and...... eh, go ahead and razz him."

"Now, wait a minute!" Mikuru said in a rare moment of bravery. "All of that is just pointless slander! Private detective or not, taking pictures of Miss Suzumiya while she was unaware is just...... mean!"

"Yeah, yeah! It says right here!" Tsuruya chimed in, pointing at a passage she had highlighted in her book.

"Aha ha! Looks like the Yellow Pages!" laughed Ultros, upon seeing the messy book up close.

Belome wagged a finger and clacked his hammer. "Uh-uh-uh! You didn't say the magic word first, Miss Tsuruya!"

"Oh! Right!" Tsuruya cleared her throat for a second before loudly shouting, "_**CONJECTURE!!!**_"

"TSURUYA!!!" the whole SOS Brigade and Agency members shouted.

"This is getting weird...." Four-eyes said to himself, counting the ceiling tiles to stave off his boredom.

"Huh?" grunted Belome. Ultros quickly sidled up to his double-agent of a monster.

"_CUT THAT BITCH OFF!!!_" he half-whispered, half-snarled.

"Right." But before he could, Tsuruya spoke up again.

"_**ERECTION!!! **_Err... I mean _**OBJECTION!!! **_Heh. Got megas nervous for a bit, nyoro Ha ha ha ha ha!" Tsuruya mimed a blow to her head and stuck out her tongue.

"Are ya laughin'......... BIATCH?!?! I am going to get what I deserve!" Ultros crowed. Norio then proceed to wish Ultros to hell as Tsuruya shut up and shrank back.

"Please! Anyone can be guilty of all of the Seven Deadly Sins! Your evidence changes nothin'! I'll bet that you are guilty of em' all, too!" Tsuruya grinned.

"Well, duh. I am. BUT...... I am expected to do all those things. I am an antagonist in my series after all. But Haruhi Suzumiya is a lovely young woman. With so many flaws, who's to say stealing from me wouldn't be beneath her?" Ultros smirked knowingly. The audience and jury began to make a bunch of "RABBLE, RABBLE!!" sounds in response.

"_Indeed! It's so obvious she is guilty!_" rasped Chupon.

"Mr. Chupon agrees with me. Guilty as charged! Now.... gimme my money." Ultros shoved a fancy document that Chupon handed him towards Emi and Hisao, smiling. "I need a signed signature from an officer of the law in order to get my money. Gotta make it all nice and legal....."

"Really? We didn't even get to hear from the defendant's side," Hisao pointed out, looking a bit confused.

"Yeah. Shouldn't we do that, your honor?" Emi piped up, actually forgetting her CSI glasses spoof.

"Well, you see........" Belome noticed everyone in the room giving him odd looks. He wiped his brow (and upper eyes) with a tissue to clear away the nervousness. "SURE! Sure. We'll.... hear from Miss Suzumiya's side! Like a normal trial. And you can all sit next to me on the stand when you talk. So I can savo- I mean, see you tell the truth. heh heh heh....."

"Yeah, whatever. I'll win either way. Let her friends speak. I'll have MY witnesses talk, too.!" Ultros said. The crowd of people cheered in preparation of more courtroom drama.

Doakes the Darknut shot a knowing glance to Chupon and nodded, before taking a coin out of his pocket. "Heads, Ultros goes. Tails, Tsuruya."

The coin spun in the air. Everyone watched as it crashed back into Doakes' palm to reveal.....

"HEADS!!! YES, YES!!!" Ultros laughed wildly, while Tsuruya sneered.

"So what?! I, Tsuruya, have a whole line-up of people who can makes Haruhi look good! By the time we're done, you'll be a pot of sushi, nyoro!" Tsuruya boasted.

Ultros narrowed his eyes. "I can make threats, too! I'll stab you in the neck with a picture of my grandson!"

"Really? Well....... I shall bite you!" Tsuruya exclaimed in triumph, hands on her hips.

"I'll kill her. I'LL KILL HER!!!" Haruhi shouted as her friends restrained her.

"Control yourself, Miss Suzumiya!" Itsuki said, holding onto Haruhi's legs.

"Calm down, you idiot! I'm sure they will ask perfectly reasonable questions," Kyon said in a soothing voice, giving Haruhi a head-pat.

Slithering like a purple serpent, Ultros took a breath and stared at Naru in the face. "So, miss... What... is your FAVORITE, battery-operated toy?"

"That's easy! Haruhi's cell phone!" chirped the loveable woman.

"Ugggghhh.... Where is Phoenix Wright?!" bemoaned Mori out loud to all as Arakawa massaged his forehead.

**With Phoenix, Kino, and Hermes...**

"......and that's how I won the case even after losing my memory!" Phoenix bragged to Kino as they left his home on Game Corner.

"I see...." Kino mumbled lazily.

All throughout the ride, Kino and Hermes had been listening to the lawyer's tales of courtroom heroism. Hermes enjoyed them- Kino did not.

As she adjusted the side-view mirror, Kino took note of an interesting sight- five blue-headed children were speeding along behind them in a jeep painted to look like a shark. All five were waving and smiling evilly, and two of them appeared to be midgets.

"Say, Mr. Wright....." Kino began.

"Please!" smiled Phoenix, waving his right hand through the air. "Feel free to call me Nick."

"Okay. Nick, do you know any people with blue hair who would seem suspicious?"

"A few. Why?"

"I think you might want to add some names to your list then......"

Within seconds, the Ryokos had pulled up next to Hermes as the two-wheeled vehicle sped down Anime Avenue. Ryoko was driving the jeep, AURyoko sat next to her, while Ryou sat in the back with both Achakura and Ashakura on his shoulders like evil parrots.

"Good afternoon~!" Ryoko greeted sweetly, her eyes glinting.

"Hey," Kino called back. She had a back feeling.

Hermes shared the same emotion, too. "What do you guys want?"

AURyoko cocked a freakishly large eyebrow and smiled. "Oh? A talking motorcycle? How fascinating! Well, since you asked, we'll tell you. We came..."

"...to turn you into street pizza!" cackled Ryou, unsheathing a katana.

"..." was all the trio could say.

"Hey! We are very dangerous!" piped up Ryoko. "Allow me to introduce the very last people you will ever meet. I am Ryoko Asakura of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya fandom. Along with me are my alternate universe self, my genderbent self, Ryou Asakura, and two chibified versions of me from a spin-off web series, Achakura and Ashakura. Well? trembling with fear yet?"

"Yeah. Suuure. Real pack of somebodies to be frightened of," drawled Hermes sarcastically.

"You know, I CAN strip all of you limb from limb and make you eat yourselves..." Ashakura grinned evilly.

Kino frowned. "How is that a threat coming from a bug-eyed, tiny girl?"

"Sh-Shut up!"

No one else said a thing until Ryou jabbed the katana into the front wheel of the motorcycle. Hermes shouted in pain, while Kino flipped Ryou off, and Phoenix sat in silence. The other four Ryokos pulled out their weapons: Ryoko pulled out her combat knife, AURyoko grabbed a switchblade, Achakura grabbed her door umbrella and dragged the tip on the ground to sharpen it. Ashakura tried to flip open a butterfly knife, but the swinging handle end hit her in the face, causing her to fall down uselessly on her seat.

"One down," Kino deadpanned.

"But we're not out!" exclaimed AURyoko, leaning out of her car seat and attempting to slice Phoenix. Kino maneuvered out of the way just in time to avoid having the lawyer's jugular from being severed in two.

"You guys are making a big mistake," Kino said warily, not even dropping the tone in her voice.

"The only mistake you made was getting out of bed in the morning!" shouted Achakura nastily. The chibi jumped on her genderbended comrade's shoulder as a support, before thrusting forward with her umbrella at Kino's shoulder. Kino quickly blocked the attack with a knife hidden in her left sleeve, piercing through the material of the odd weapon.

"Grrrrr! Eat this! PARASOL OF PAIN!" Achakura then spun her umbrella clockwise, effectively yanking the knife out of Kino's hand and sending it flying away.

"Damn. I liked that one," Kino said flatly, taking out another blade from her other sleeve. She was able to block another strike from AURyoko as they turned down a U-turn. They both zoomed past a slow-going cop car that was cruising about. A lanky guy stuck his head out and went back to wake up his snoozing partner, a giant of a man.

"Hey! Sleepy! WAKE UP!!!"

"...Eh? What's going on, Eddie?"

"What?! Didn't you see those guys having a road battle?"

"Really? Nah, I was asleep."

"....._**BUT YOU'RE DRIVING!!!!!!**_"

Back to the action.

"Hee hee. Wriggle like the worms you are!" Ryoko taunted, swerving the jeep in an attempt to sideswipe the party.

"LOOK OUT!" Phoenix screeched as the jeep collided with them. Luckily, Kino and Hermes veered out of the way with their charge at the last second, only getting a slight bump on Hermes' rear that jostled them a bit.

Hermes' headlight flashed scarlet. "Oh? You try to ram me? Hermes?! Well, guess what? You don't ram Hermes.... HERMES RAMS YOU!!!" And with a battle-cry, the motorrad tackled them back. The angered motorcycle rammed into the left side door of the jeep with all his might. He didn't even chip the paint.

Achakura laughed and jammed the umbrella in the spokes of the motorcycle, sending Hermes into a ditch, the riders into the street fifteen feet away, and also bending the umbrella in the process. "Damn it, NOW how will I open doors?!"

Kino dragged Hermes out of the ditch. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"My tires... I think one of them popped..." The damage from Ryou's katana and Achakura's umbrella had popped the front tire of the motorcycle. This didn't stop the jeep from trying to run them over. Kino managed to drag Hermes to the sidewalk at the last moment. Phoenix, however, lay flat on the pavement motionless to avoid having his limbs taken off by the blunettes as they passed over him. He jumped and ran to the sidewalk along with the others. The group ran to an alley to avoid being hit by the jeep once more.

"Are they gone?" Hermes asked.

"They're gone. Do we still have the spare tire?" Kino asked.

"No. That one they hit WAS the spare!"

"Crap!" Phoenix nearly whimpered in fear as a revving sound approached them.

The group froze in complete stillness as............ a pink puffball with red feet, wearing an identical rider's hat like Kino's on its head, as well as riding a somewhat animated cartoonish vehicle that looked like a tire with two bulging eyes in place of hubcaps, a red seat for its rider, and powerful-looking engines.

"Poyo~!" the puffball said cutely. The creature looked at them a bit more, and made more funny sounds.

"Erm..... Hi. Do you speak any.... English?" Phoenix greeted with a sweatdrop. Kino said nothing, just choosing to just stare at their visitor. Hermes made a revving sound, and to the lawyer's surprise, the odd-looking wheel-creature revved back.

"I see....." mumbled Hermes. "Guys, he says his name is Wheelie. That guy on top is Kirby. He wants to give us a ham."

"Hand," Kino corrected. "And that would be very good. Thank you for the generosity."

"Poyo~!"

"Saved by a marshmallow. Wait till' Godot hears about this........." Phoenix said with a sigh. Kirby made an odd gurgling noise, and quickly cough up an identical-looking tire from his mouth. It flew into right into Hermes' slot, knocking out his popped tire, and fitting perfectly in.

"Sour!" said Hermes.

"Sweet," muttered Kino.

In only five seconds, the three were back on the road, Kirby and Wheelie accompanying them (it turns out the Star Warrior had been on his way to attend a screening of Hell's Kitchen in hopes of catching a free meal and some of Ramsey's dialogue, but had made a wrong turn and missed the show, thus making him go on a journey to El Pollo Loco instead). But as they all came to an intersection, a shout of "THERE THEY ARE!" cause them all to turn around.

The Ryokos were speeding towards them, Achakura holding her umbrella like a club. And before anyone could do anything, Kirby narrowed his eyes and began to suck in the air.

"What the fuck?!" hollered Ryou as his hairdo became all messed up.

"My precious!" sobbed Achakura as her umbrella left her grip and entered Kirby's maw. There was a flash of light, dramatic remixed music, confetti, and before you knew it, Kirby was standing on Wheelie with a red and white star-tipped parasol in his arms.

Ryoko laughed uproariously. "A PARASOL?!?! What could he do with that? Ha ha ha ha!" Kirby merely tossed the parasol at the four (Ashakura was left behind. Yep. The Ryoko's are assholes) and punctured the tire of the jeep, causing it to stop on the sidewalk.

"How is that possible? It's just paper and bamboo, right?" Hermes asked.

"It's freaking Kirby. He can do whatever he wants," Kino replied.

With the tire punctured, Achakura and AURyoko came out of the car, weapons in hand. Achakura pulled out Ashakura's butterfly knife and AURyoko grabbed a pipe in the back seat and ran to attack Kirby. Big mistake. Kirby sucked in more air, and with that, Achakura and AURyoko.

Ryou and Ryoko stared in astonishment. "HOLY SHIT!" the duo called out in unison.

Hermes' engine roared and Kino drove off. "Thanks! Stay cold!" Hermes called.

"Cool," Kino corrected. "Christ on his throne, I really need to get a speech tape for you."

"Later, secondary characters!" Phoenix teased, giving his assassins a raspberry as he peeled away.

Ryoko snarled like a woman scorned and pointed a finger at Kirby. "YOU! Mr. Bulimia! Give me back my subordinates! I need them for my plot!"

Kirby leaned back and shot a massive, glowing, yellow star in response. Ryoko threw up a data shield to block it. As the star struck it, it exploded into sparkles, leaving a groaning Achakura and a panting AURyoko on the ground.

"Ugh! Useless morons!" roared Ryou, charging forward with his katana. Kirby sidestepped and inhaled the tip of the passing weapon, slurping it up. He transformed again, donning an green elfish hat and materializing a yellow short-sword with a bluish handle.

"Ryoko! Go after Wright! I'll handle this little dollop of mush!" grinned Ryou, summoning a new blade.

"Right! They won't escape Ryoko Asakura!" Ryoko attempted to sit on Wheelie, but the Helper merely ran over her right foot in response.

Gritting her teeth, Ryoko cried, "Curses! I need a ride! I can't just run after them! It's not like I have superhuman spee......" As the realization that she could have just run after her quarry from the start dawned on her, Ryoko facepalmed, before dashing off. Kirby and Ryou continued their duel behind them all at the crosswalk.

Kino, Phoenix, and Hermes were still speeding away. "Why would those guys be after me?!" Phoenix howled to himself. "I usually only have one person at a time trying to kill me! Not five!"

"Someone obviously doesn't want you getting to that courthouse on time," Kino stated.

"Or _in _time...." Hermes chimed in, making his riders nod in contemplation.

"HEEEYAAAA~!!!" giggled Ryoko, her legs a blur as she ran alongside them, knife glinting.

"Eek!" Phoenix screamed.

"Phoenix, what's wron- Kyaah!" Kino screamed as the knife collided with her ankle. It made a very small nick on her skin, but still having a knife cut you hurts like hell. Hermes stopped completely, allowing Ryoko to run ahead faster before having to turn around.

By that time, Hermes was gone- seemingly vanished into thin air. Whipping her head around to scan the area, Ryoko couldn't find the alley they turned into... but then a small buzzing noise met her ears, growing louder with each second. Ryoko turned around to see the gang heading directly for her.

"Kino, there's Ryoko!" Phoenix yelped. Ryoko stuck her arm out to the side and aimed her knife for the front tire again... only for it to be crushed on impact like an empty soda can, as well as tearing her arm clear off. She winced and picked up her arm with the other remaining one and re-attached it with a data spell; all while running after the motorcycle. The knife in her grasp was crushed beyond any repair, so she simply flung it at the back tire. It missed by a mile.

"I don't get it, why didn't Ryoko puncture the tires?" Kino asked.

"Kirby's wheel is from Dreamland. Made of highly industrial rubber so it can't be punctured. Good for lava, ice, sand, and grass. It will wear out though, but not for a few thousand miles." Hermes responded.

"Sweet," Kino responded.

"There's the courthouse, turn now!" Phoenix shouted. Kino turned and braked before the flagpole. The two humans quickly got off.

"Wait here, Hermes, if anyone comes, honk twice, we'll hear you!" Phoenix told the talking machine.

"Hey! HEY! Don't leave me here, ya pricks!" Hermes complained. Both his owner and passenger didn't hear him. For a second, it looked like they would be able to enter the building. That is, until they both saw the massive two by four that had been hastily nailed to the front of the door. A sign that read '**COURT CLOSED DUE TO THE WORD OF ULTROS. GO AWAY.**' dangled from it.

"Awwww, crap, not this guy...." grumbled Phoenix, facepalming.

"Who? Ultros? Who is this guy?" Kino wondered. "You know him?"

"Sort of. He's a pretty slimy guy, both figuratively and literally. He's always got some sort of kooky little ploy going on. He mostly targets easy marks for fun, but he can be a real sneak with big names. He always gets caught, but always manages to slip away," Phoenix explained to the traveler.

"And he shall this time!" cried a voice full of mirth. They spun around to see Ryoko standing on the steps below them, smiling her trademark smile. Her blue eyes glittered with malignant intent.

"SHE'S HERE!" Hermes hollered.

"What do you have against this man? Normally, I don't horn in on the affairs of others, but you are really starting to irk me, miss," Kino said with a glower, taking a knife out of her coat.

"Well, then...." Ryoko called forth her knife, and gave the serrated edge a lick. "I shall be glad to dispose of you a well Kino. With Phoenix out of the way...... You know what? I am not going to tell you. I'm going to let you die without ever knowing. It will be _very _inconvenient for you! Hee hee hee!"

".....You know what I do want to know, Ryoko?"

"Yes, Kino?"

"Are you truly a yandere? I think you are more of a yangire."

"Huh? But... Why... What... What makes you say that.......?"

"I thought yanderes were supposed to be competent and emotional? You've failed several times in your appearances and are only feigning your feelings."

"...................YOU WILL DIE FOR USING LOGIC!!!"

And the two charged at each other, weapons held steady, and battle-rage in their hearts.

"Mmmmhmmmm.... Dog-fight~," Hermes giggled.

"Cat-fight. And, yes..." Phoenix grinned.

* * *

**A/N: And next chapter, we get to see Tsuruya's side of the case. Will Tsuruya be able to convince this room full of morons? Will Ultros' motive be revealed? Will Phoenix, Kino, and Hermes live? Will Haruhi be forced to go pay up? **

**Stayed tuned for all those answers and some possible OC abuse! **

**And at this point, you should know my work long enough to know that I certainly will abuse some people here.**

**Thanks again, guys, for the OC-lending. And, ObsidianWarrior, you're just plain awesome. thank for helping me write most of the jokes here. :) **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	79. Lawyers, Money, and Seafood Soup: Part 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Sorry. My account was being a little asshole to me. Certain things wouldn't show up and such. Credit once again goes to ObsidianWarrior for helping to co-write most of the humor in this chapter and the following ones, as well as for helping me to get off of my procrastinating ass. Thanks! **

**And, holy crap, this turned out to be a MUCH longer chapter than I thought it would be. Remember how in earlier chapters how I said they were huge? Forget those, THIS was a giant. It came out to a total of thirty-four pages by the time I was done looking it over. So many gags I thought up and lines so that everyone could have some screen-time in this. **

**There was enough material in here for two chapters, and at first I didn't want to make an extension and keep dragging this arc out like some other people sometimes do, so I brought the attention to my friends and decided it was better to just have five equally-sized chapters then three average-sized ones and one super-sized one. I tried my best to please as many people as I could with jokes, but I don't think I was able to. So if something you asked for isn't in here... Well, I don't know. Sue me? :P**

**Hope you all enjoy! **

**

* * *

****Lawyers, Money, and Seafood Soup: Part 3: **

Ryou Asakura lay flat on his back, staring up at his opponent.

Kirby had one of his feet placed over the boy's throat, his sword pointed down at his perfect nose. The surrounding pavement was covered in slash-marks from their unseen duel. AURyoko and Achakura's knocked out forms lay nearby on the sidewalk.

"Please..." begged Ryou, ashamed at himself for tearing up like a child. "Have mercy!"

Watching the sight was a battered-up Ashakura, who'd survived being thrown out of the jeep from the previous chase. She saw Ryou's discarded katana sticking out of the cement and promptly passed out.

Narrowing his eyes coldly, Kirby reared back and brought his sword down to Ryou's face...

**Three Minutes Later... **

"Poyo!"

"You are welcome, Kirby. It is a pleasure to help you bury this," said a voice in a deep baritone accent.

Kirby and Meta-Knight stood in Fic City Park, shovels in hand, with a large hole dug in front of them.

"Well, I guess it's time."

"Poyo!"

And with that, the two puffballs grabbed a Whispy Woods Jr. sapling and placed it into the newly-made hole before them. It wiggled and smiled happily.

"By the way," Meta-Knight said, unfurling his cape into his bat-like wings, "whatever happened to that Ryou character you spoke of? The one who tried to kill those guys who were on their way to that court the other Smashers went to go and watch?" In response, Kirby made a few more moans and hand-gestures to his blue rival.

After a few more seconds of this, Meta-Knight nodded. "I see. So he admitted defeat and took off with his pals after you stabbed the ground near his head at the last moment, eh? What a pussy..." Meta-Knight muttered.

Kirby just smiled, wondering whatever happened to those guys he had stopped to help. After a few more minutes of thinking, he shrugged it off, boarded Wheelie, and made off to El Pollo Loco, Meta-Knight following him in an effort to get rid of his munchies from partying with Tuxedo Mask and the Sailor Scouts.

**Back at the Court House... **

"So as Mr. Chupon has stated, I shall question the jury I have selected in order to determine Miss Suzumiya's character. Despite the fact that she is obviously guilty, I'll do it anyways. Then Tsuruya shall present her witnesses to Miss Suzumiya's character. I shall then present some of my evidence once she is through," Ultros declared to the room. The SOS Brigade, Tsuruya, the Organization espers nodded bitterly.

"Ahhhhh, justice~!" sighed Emi, sitting next to Hisao in the audience. "Is there anything it can't do?"

Hisao thought for a second and said, "Cure our disabilities?"

Emi blinked. "...Yeah, well, there's that, but NOTHING else!"

"Sooooooo..." Ultros said in a soothing voice as he and Chupon guided Naru up to the stand. "Tell us what you think of Haruhi Suzumiya. What qualities make her a good kid?"

"_And if so? How can we exploit them?_" Chupon said with a grin.

"Mr. Chupon just said that he would like to hear anything that could help us out," Ultros said quickly, pouring a glass of water from a pincher to hydrate himself with. Naru placed her hands together and made a cute little thinking face as though her nose was itchy. Finally, she spoke.

"Well, when I was a little girl, I really wanted an Easy-Bake oven, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I turned blue and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor said I might have brain damage~," Naru chirped cutely.

"...What was the point of that story, mom?" Haruhi asked, stunned her own mother had kept such a crazy secret for such a long time. Tsuruya, Kyon, Oruki, Norio, the reader, and basically everyone in the room wore a 'WTF?' look on their face. Hell, even Ultros, Chupon, Belome, and Doakes were puzzled beyond recognition.

Naru looked at her daughter and shrugged. "I like stories..."

Ultros stared at the woman in the awkward silence.

"...Did I say something bad?" Naru asked.

"Yep. NEXT!" Ultros shouted. A random Snorlax came to remove Naru from the stands, however, the creature stopped midway and passed out on Emi. "OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" Ultros shouted.

Chupon rushed over to the fallen creature and started devouring it. About five minutes later, Chupon snorted, and left Hisao to tend to his comrade.

"Emi! Are you okay?" Hisao cried in horror.

Emi gasped twice in pain. "FROM HELL! IT'S FROM HELL! ...AND I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"

Hisao sighed, clutching his chest slightly. "Back in a few," he announced to the court, dragging Emi out of the room.

"Nice kid... Retarded friend," Belome said.

Ultros sifted through a list of people likely to harm Haruhi's case. "Eh... who here goes by the name of Kyouko Tachibana?" Kyouko waved her arms around like a small child before a smack on the head by Oruki stopped her from humiliating herself further. "Never mind. Can I get... uh... Norio Yamada to come up here instead? Yeah. Come on up you lucky, lucky douch- I mean boy~!"

Norio's sneer rivaled Fujiwara's for a second there. Haruhi sighed in exasperation. Taking a deep breath, Tsuruya watched as her friend/crush somewhat, made his way to the stand. He sat there, coughed, and looked around the room for support. There was Norio. He waved at her excitedly in a friendly way.

Tsuruya smiled and waved back.

He winked cutely.

She giggled and blew him a kiss.

He proceeded to make a rather obscene gesture, implying a request for oral sex.

She licked her lips and snapped the air with her teeth.

He purred seductively.

"TSURUYA! What the fuck are you doing?" hissed Itsuki as Haruhi's lawyer began to gyrate her hips.

"OH! Errr... nothin'!" Tsuruya lied, her yellow eyes now focusing on an interesting potted plant in the corner.

"Well, if you're through..." Ultros smirked, watching as Norio hastily wiped his sweating face with a cloth. "You'll tell us what you think of Haruhi Suzumiya. And according to your file, I happen to know what you PROBABLY do think of her. Heh heh heh..."

"I'm not going to lie. Suzumiya and I aren't what you would call best friends," Norio said calmly.

"Uh-huh? Let me see for myself..." Belome drawled creepily. His deep-scarlet tongue suddenly snaked out of his mouth and lightly slid itself against Norio's right cheek. The music-lover shuddered in an instant as if he had just been witness to a murder.

Belome retracted his tongue and smiled in ecstasy. "Mmmmmmmm~... Scorned love and hatred, mixed in with tears... Like a fizzy soda!" Everyone in the courtroom gagged a little at the bizarre display that had just taken place.

"Nasty!" remarked Kagami, huddling with her sister and friends in her seat.

"That was mind-scarring..." Ichigo remarked, a sour taste in his mouth. The Waddle-Dee turned a shade of green and the Mudkip uttered its named as a watery hiccup.

Shion Sonozaki wrinkled her nose. "Wow. I can honestly say that that was the most repulsive thing I have ever seen, and I'm bat-shit insane!"

"That wasn't a tongue! That was a fire-hose!" Mikuru exclaimed in disgust, while making a reference that only Super Mario RPG fans would get.

Belome sneered. "Don't knock it till' you've tried it, sweet peas. I can tell how a person is just with a lick. It's a talent. Like shooting ping-pong balls out of your-"

"Back to my statement," Norio interrupted, "Haruhi Suzumiya is a no saint. She's vain, she's childish, she's demanding, she's overbearing, she's forceful, she's abusive, and most importantly, Suzumiya-" Norio suddenly shut with mouth, forming it into a thin line.

"Yes? YES?" Ultros eagerly asked, wondering why the boy had stopped on such an incriminating roll.

Why had he stopped, you ask?

Because it was at that very moment that Norio saw just how pitifully Tsuruya was looking at him. Just like a little girl who was about to have her puppy put down. He saw those quivering lips, those shiny yellow eyes, and that cute, little fang, and sighed.

"...but she wouldn't blatantly steal like this. I can say with confidence that Haruhi Suzumiya wouldn't steal from another person's work. ...Most likely, she'd do it right in front of their face and brag about it," Norio declared, adding in the last part. "But in my own opinion, I think Itsuki Koizumi should go to jail Something just seems off about him."

"YAY! I knew you'd give out a megassa great testimony, Norio!" Tsuruya cheered joyfully. Itsuki slunk into his chair, however, while Kyon laughed.

"Oh, thank the stars..." Haruhi grunted, flopping into her chair. Norio reddened and started for his jury seat, unaware of the evil stare Belome was shooting him with his four eyes. Doakes the Darknut narrowed his eyes underneath his helmet. Ultros and Chupon quickly shuffled up to meet Norio to walk him to his seat.

"Wasn't that a terrific statement, ladies and gents? A big hand for Norio here~!" Ultros said merrily. After a brief second the people all began to clap loudly, and the purple sea-creature chose this moment to lean in close to Norio's ear, and whisper in a voice as low and cold as an alligator's stomach. Chupon suddenly clamped his hands onto the boy's shoulders with disturbing smile.

Ultros then hissed, "You, my musically-gifted chum, just made a very, VERY big boo-boo. I swear, if I ever see you again after this, I will make sure that everything you love will _suffer_... OKAY, LET'S BRING UP THE NEXT PERSON~!" Ultros practically hurled an ashen-faced Norio into his chair with a tentacle and smiled innocently at the crowd of onlookers.

Chupon grabbed Sasaki from the stands and tossed her on the hot seat. "So... What do you think of Miss Suzumiya? She steal from you? Lie to you?" Ultros asked.

Sasaki smiled and waved her hands from side to side. "No. Honestly, she's a good person at heart. If she went to jail, life wouldn't really be as fun without her influ-"

"BE RIGHT BACK!" Ultros called out, leaving the room in a hurry.

Shrugging, Sasaki continued on with her story. "Okay... Now, she may have done some bad, but she IS human after all." The Anti-SOS Brigade snickered at this, save Kuyou, who was frying a cricket with her personal lighter as a snack. "And humans have faults, just-"

A loud ringing interrupted Sasaki's tale as Belome's phone rang. He quickly held up a paw to quiet everyone down.

"Hello?" Belome answered calmly, only to have his eyes bug out of his head as he began to whisper nervously into the phone to the side. "WHAAAT? If I continue with this phony legal case, I'll be killed? WHO IS THIS? Yardovich? Is that you? Axem Red? Bowyer? BOOSTER? If it's any of you jerks, I'll- Oh. My bad. Err, Miss Sasaki? It's for you." Belome handed the phone to Sasaki.

"Hello?" Sasaki asked sweetly. A low voice came from the end of the line. As the voice went on, Sasaki's face fell. Kyouko, Fujiwara, and the munching Kuyou wondered why their leader was suddenly shaking.

"-and the other hamburger will ALSO be made from your lungs..." Ultros said from a pay-phone in the hallway, poorly disguising his voice, continuing with some instructions he had written down on an index card on what to say.

It must have worked, though, because Sasaki's face was pale with fear as she shut the phone and said, "Your Honor, I refuse to testify under the grounds that Haruhi Suzumiya HAS wronged me... and that my organs might be chopped up into a patty one of these days!"

Belome sighed and took out his notepad. "Very well. Chalk one up against Haruhi..." he said, the crowd ignoring Sasaki's tacked-on statement.

"I take all of it back. Haruhi HAS stolen my god powers from me, makes insulting remarks to me and my friends, and drunk-dials me for phone sex every Sunday! Put the bitch away!" Sasaki shouted in a rare outburst.

"YES!" Ultros shouted, surprising everyone in the room. "I mean, continue..."

"When did you get back? Belome asked.

"Oh, around that whole 'chopped up into a patty' remark thing I just overheard. You should really be careful, kid... There are a lot of bad people out there."

Sasaki gulped, running back to her seat. "NEXT!" Ultros shouted.

"Wait!" Belome snapped, shooting out his tongue like a chameleon at Sasaki as she sat back down. "First I have to see how she tastes! ...For legal reasons and all that miscellaneous stuff."

"Whatever gets your freak on..." Ultros and Haruhi muttered simultaneously as Belome licked the now-twitching Sasaki. She shrunk back after the monster's dog licked her hand, clinging to a VERY happy Kyouko, who had little hearts over her head.

"Hmmmmmmm... Tastes kinda like non-fat yogurt with sprinkles," remarked the sewer-dweller. "I'm gonna do this to everyone who comes up now. Just because I can." Remembering he hadn't done the same with Naru, Belome shot out his tongue and gingerly licked her right cheek.

"Hee hee~! It's like a big chicken-dog!" Naru giggled giddily, while Oruki fought the urge to reach over and grab the red appendage (he didn't, for fear he would catch something like typhoid).

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm~! Sweet!" Belome drooled- then his eyes shot open in horror. "Sweet? ...S-Sweet? SWEET? ARGH!" Belome then leaped out of his judge seat and began rolling in frenzied circles on the ground, licking up as much dirt and grime as he could. Then he picked up the pitcher of water and downed it all. It wasn't enough, since he did the same with the nearby dustpan. That seemed to do it for him, because he smiled in a dreamy manner and sighed. He climbed into his seat afterwards, breathing heavily in front of the stunned audience.

"W-Who's next?" he rasped tiredly, adjusting his wig.

Doakes checked the jury and pointed at Haruhi's father. "C'mon, old man. Time to hear your side of the story."

Oruki glared and slowly walked out of his seat. "You wouldn't be so tough if you weren't covered in armor, pal!"

"Oh, a pissed-off daddy. I am ever so scared~. My armor is rattling. Save me, Ganondorf, save me~!"

"Wow. I think I hate the bailiff more than your father, Haruhi," Kyon murmured, watching Oruki grind his teeth.

"Same here," replied Haruhi.

"Haruhi Suzumiya's father... Ah! So you are indeed the parents of Haruhi Suzumiya. She must have been what you two referred to in your files as a 'useless pain in our asses'. I believed you to be referring to a nasty pet of some manner at first. Though, I suppose a daughter would fill in that niche as well. Please tell us what you think of her," Ultros said, smiling.

"_Yes, indeed,_" Chupon roared, the noise going on for about ten seconds.

Oruki said absolutely nothing on the stands. "Well?" Ultros said, losing his cool. Still nothing.

"Belome?" Ultros asked. Belome nodded and pulled out something that looked like a sawed-off shotgun with a shiny steel turkey wishbone attached to the end of it, with said wishbone-looking prongs dipped in water out of his black robe. The makeshift cattle-prod flickered to life, sending an electric arc between the two prongs.

"Now, Mr. Suzumiya, if you wish to avoid 50,000 volts of pure Pikachu juice, you'll tell us about-" What Ultros was going to say was silenced as Oruki snatched the prod from Belome, electrocuted him for licking his wife, and buried the prod in the wall.

Belome sighed, completely unharmed (he'd been zapped enough times by Mallow in the past to have gained a sort of immunity to electricity). "And now we have one felony assault for Mr. Oruki Suzumiya, with your court date being set to-"

"AFFECTION- I mean- OBJECTION!" Tsuruya called out from her seat.

Haruhi facepalmed. "Not again, you fucking DITZ!"

Tsuruya ignored the call and continued. "If anything, the judge should be charged with sexual harassment and the octopus with the clothes that died with the dinosaurs should be charged with threatening another human's life! BOTH are punishable for up to twenty years in the Happy Camp! EACH, nyoro," Tsuruya said.

Haruhi stood up and hugged the green-haired dork. "Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!" she cried. Since it was totally obvious that the two had been witnessed with the crimes committed, a conviction against them would drop their charge and send them to the Happy Camp, a place where prisoners slaved for the government with a gun in their backs for a bowl of rice a day, working until they died and their heads were skewered on a stake as a warning to the other civilians.

Ultros and Belome gulped nervously... until Chupon hovered up to them, waving Belome's law book in their faces. The cotton-candy nightmare pointed to a page with extremely large letters.

"_I believe that this will prove useful, boss,_" Chupon said to his leader. He whispered into Ultros' ear (or the place where he would have one). The RPG miniboss smiled slowly, but surely.

"We... uh... Oh? I see... Ha ha! Nice try... kiddies," Ultros snickered. "As I'm a villain, I can be pardoned for any crime if they're a part of my three strikes. I can also give one of my strikes away. Since I've never been convicted, and Belome would have his third strike now, I officially give him my second strike. We both have one strike left. Nice try, ya stupid FUCK!" Ultros laughed. "And move Mr. Grouchy from the stands. Bring up that Four-Eyes kid. NEXT!"

"I'll bet Oruki would have tasted like a slaughterhouse mixed with asshole, anyways! I don't really need that strike, though. I _**AM **_THE LAW!" Belome proclaimed out loud. Oruki tried to leap up and hit him, but Chupon snatched him and dragged him back to his seat. The elder Suzumiya would have struggled, but the look in Chupon's eyes told him, 'You try to smack me and I'll sneeze all over you. I've got a head-cold. You KNOW it...'.

So he didn't do anything. Smirking as the SOS Brigade raged over another legal loop-hole, Ultros took a note handed to him by Chupon and looked it over. He grinned.

"Before we ask the kid who made time-travel possible, I have a dramatic reading to do. Not as good as anything from the book of the lord, but great nonetheless. It is a piece of evidence my detectives dug up at the Suzumiya household!"

"WHAT? You went through my garbage?" Haruhi shouted, jumping out of her chair.

"Say what?" Oruki yelled, greatly disturbed. What if that sea-going bastard had discovered his yearly and secret subscription to Touhou Project Loli Weekly? Oh, the humanity!

"Did you even have a search-warrant?" a very angry Itsuki asked.

"Gee, I hope you wore gloves and didn't get pricked by anything!" Naru said, concerned about the safety of the guy who was trying to send her child up the river.

"As a matter of fact, I did." Ultros pointed up at the ceiling. "It was from the Lord. He told me to do it in a dream."

The SOS Brigade, the jury, and the court audience all stared at Ultros as though he had sprouted another eight arms.

"YOU. HAVE. GOT. TO. BE. KIDDING. ME..." Kyon deadpanned at last, slamming his head onto the table, because the statement was just THAT stupid.

"Why you cursin', bitch? And, no, it was not stupid at all, you muscle-head," Ultros snapped, waving an arm at Kyon. "The Lord is good and the Lord is great. And it's because of him that my arms... are eight! Hee hee hee!"

Belome clacked his gavel. "For that piece of wonderful poetry, I am going to permit the reading. Anyone who disagrees with me shall be made to stand outside in the street whilst I pour pancake-batter and chopped-up Moogle parts down your pants!" Belome declared in a thunderous voice.

No one said anything, for fear of walking around with pom-poms and blueberries in their undies. Four-Eyes seemed quite disturbed by that announcement in his stand seat, given the way his lips curled up.

"Cracka, that is fucked up," Yuki piped up, speaking in a masculine black voice.

"What was that?"

"...I didn't say anything."

"...Good."

With another dramatic flourish, a sly grin, and a wink to his pals, Ultros began to read the document in his inky grip. "Due to most of the message missing, I'll read what the forensics team managed to scrap together. _'And, honey, I may have started worshipping the devil while you and your father were out picking up groceries. I may be using the bathroom for sacrificial offerings on occasion. May have clogged up the sink with goat's blood. Be back later until I can return with a priest! Your loving mother, Naru._' Now, wasn't that just a loving thing to hear, folks? I guess a home like that wouldn't really drive anyone to grow crazy and pursue a life of crime... EH, LITTLE BOY?" Ultros snarled suddenly, pointing theatrically at Four-Eyes.

The kid stated shaking like a leaf as Chupon joined in on the glaring. "W-W-What the hell are you getting at, you nut? Haruhi Suzumiya is my tutor! She would never do anything criminal!"

Ultros laughed. "Oh? Doesn't she usually ditch Kyon and her pals to go see you? Sounds like her shirking out on her Brigade Chief duties, if you ask me, shrimp!"

Ultros would have continued, but was interrupted by Naru. "I remember that day! It was so fun and exciting! Though none of us could shower for a few days because of all the blood leaking out of the shower-head," Naru mused nostalgically.

Oruki cringed at the memory. "Please, dear... I'm still trying to block all of that out. Especially when the toilet laughed at me and called Haruhi a harlot."

"Damn toilet!" Haruhi cursed, slamming down a fist. Kyon and Mikuru looked at each other before shuddering.

"ANYWAYS," Four-Eyes continued, "she tells me that she leaves the guy with the questionable sexuality in charge when she's out-"

"AH HA! So Haruhi Suzumiya is a THIEF, a HOMOPHOBE, and the spawn of SATAN'S ONION! And everyone knows that the devil is a motherfuckin' liar... " Ultros declared. In his seat, Fujiwara let out a little cheer.

"Scallion?" Tsuruya said, before Haruhi kicked her out the open window. The girl walked back in with no damage on her, aside from the shoeprint on her chest. As she did, Chupon floated up to the window and shut it tight. No one seemed to notice that the demonic cloud began to cover up the entire frame with thick boards.

"Minion?" Kyon corrected, while Chupon LOUDLY nailed the boards up.

"Yes. Minion. Thank you, ya boring prick," Ultros said. "Continue..." he told Four-Eyes.

"Not so much that she's a homophobe, more of, 'I can't remember his name', so-"

"HE ADMITS IT! SHE'S A THIEF, A DEADLY SIN-BREAKER, A HOMOPHOBE, A DEMON-SPAWN, AND A MOTHERFUCKING LIAR!" Ultros boomed.

Kyon's head collided with the desk. "Where the FUCK is Phoenix?"

"I'll bet he's having the time of his LIFE, right now, getting here!" Doakes yelled to everyone, uttering a deep chuckle soon afterward. Ultros and Chupon looked at each other before collapsing into a fit of giggles. Belome started laughing in a way that resembled Ed the hyena from the Lion King, spilling drool everywhere.

"Why do I have a feeling Mr. Wright will not be getting here?" said a pale-faced Arakawa.

"Oh, I'm CERTAIN Phoenix Wright will show up to make peace!" Mori said desperately, trying to raise the team moral.

Chupon just seemed to laugh even harder, lowering himself so that he could hit the floor with his claws. "_Perhaps he will make peace... Though, I think the term "pieces" would be most appropriate for this situation!_" the garbling sidekick grumbled loudly.

"Why am I not comforted by that roar?" Mikuru said timidly to herself, while Mori shuddered in despair.

Haruhi suddenly had an idea. "Mikuru! You know the time-line! You can sneak out and travel back in time to see how we win this! That waiver said nothing about you guys using your powers OUTSIDE the court! It's ingenious!"

Mikuru shook her head. "But Miss Suzumiya, if we cheat, it'll only make you look bad! That, and the author would probably get yelled at for using such a cheesy cop-out."

"Oh, yeah... Damn plot-holes..." Haruhi pouted, placing her chin in her hands to think up another plan.

After laughing for five more seconds, Ultros wiped a tear away and gurgled, "Okay. Enough laughing. We'll hear from Sasaki's pals next, and then Murkuro, and Mirai. Then whatever weak-sauce support fang-face has."

"SCREW YOU!" Norio shouted uncharacteristically, disliking the fact his crush was just called 'fang-face'.

"Yes, yes, shut up, bitch." Belome waved a hand at him. "Let's hear from all of them in a row. You know, to speed it up."

Doakes approached Kuyou with a microphone. "Just speak into this about anything Haruhi Suzumiya has done to wrong you, Miss Suou," the black knight explained.

Coughing, Kuyou leaned forward and uttered the most heart breaking thing she could ever say that existed in her little digital heart:

"_Fatty stole my_Double-Down Sandwich once._That is_all._" Kuyou then sat down and stared off into space.

Haruhi buried her face into her sleeve and started shivering as Kyouko took the stand. "Miss Suzumiya IS a thief, as my poor friend Sasaki earlier reported. She stole her god-powers, made her get sick in a different fanfiction where we're a bunch of lard-asses, insults us on a regular basis, and has done much worse. May I go on?"

"Of course!" Ultros folded his arms together in a pyramid of evil contemplation.

**3 Minutes Later...**

"-stolen a motorcycle, raped a turtle at the zoo, stabbed me with a nail-"

"Okay, OKAY, SHUT THE FUCK UP- I mean- that's enough, miss. Please be seated."

Kyouko smiled angelically and sashayed back to her seat next to a groaning Sasaki. By this time, Haruhi was sobbing insanely in her sleeve and Kyon was rubbing her back.

"YES! WE'VE MADE HER CRY!" Ultros said triumphantly.

Mikuru hopped up. "H-HEY! That's just mean! Suing this girl for theft is one thing, but making her cry? You're despicable..." Mikuru whispered.

"Thank you!" Ultros said with a bow. Hearing that, Tsuruya prepared to deliver a ground-shattering and heartfelt response... but couldn't think of one, so she just settled for a standard double-helping of flipping the bird. Itsuki rose up in anger to deliver his side of the story.

"Now wait just a minute, you bloated mollusk!" he shouted, thoroughly pissed off.

Belome wagged a claw at Itsuki in a 'tsk-tsk' sort of way. "Unless you wish to testify against Suzumiya, it would be best to stay silent..." he warned with a growl.

"...Jerk" Itsuki mumbled, sitting down grumpily.

"That's what I thought," Belome said with a smirk. "And while we're at it..." He shot out his tongue and licked the cheeks of the fleeing Four-Eyes, Kyouko, and Kuyou from where they sat. Again, the crowd gagged in disgust.

"GET ME SOME DISINFECTANT!" shouted Four-Eyes, wiping his glasses of sewer monster spit.

"Ewwwwwwwww. Dog slobber," Mirai said, scrunching up her face at her seat-mate.

Rika Furude smirked in her seat from the Higurashi group. "I think that's kinda of hot."

Belome licked his lips, savoring the tastes of Kuyou and Kyouko. "Yummy! Tastes like licorice and peaches! And that other kid tasted like salami to me..."

"I have been violated!" Kyouko whined loudly.

"_My hair gives me_super-charm~,_" Kuyou said with a small smile. Fujiwara shrank away from the creepy alien and bumped right into the tentacle of Ultros, who lifted him out of his chair and set him in the middle of the room.

"What about you, Fujiwara? What did she do to you?" inquired Ultros, while Chupon nodded eagerly.

Fujiwara sneered his trademark king of sneers. "Simple. She allowed the concept of time-travel to come to fruition. By allowing that, free will has lost its purpose. I intend to ensure that it rises up once again, and that time-travel perishes. And it because of that meddling SOS Brigade that my plans are always foiled!" He was getting excited now. "Not only that, but they once knocked me unconscious, stripped me of all my clothes, dressed me up as a salmon, tossed me into a gay fish cannery, and left me there while laughing about it! I was lucky to escape with my virginity intact!"

"Let the records show that Haruhi Suzumiya has crushed a poor man's dream!" Belome exclaimed, pounding his gavel.

Mikuru got angry- an extremely rare occurrence. "WHAT? He's a criminal! He tried to murder Four-Eyes, an innocent boy who would go onto become a great inventor! I once even saw Fujiwara sell poisoned milk to school children! And when I reported it, he got out of jail the next day!"

"I can top that!" said an enraged Four-Eyes. "I once witnessed that creep blow up an entire bus full of nuns! And NO ONE did a thing about it!"

Fujiwara grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "Chill out, kiddo! That was merely self-defense!"

"Oh, yeah?" Kyon roared. "What about the time that you-"

"ENOUGH," Ultros said. "Lick him, pass him to the jury, and put that murky kid on..." Ultros deadpanned.

"MURKURO!" Murkuro screamed.

"Potato, potahto," Ultros said.

Belome licked Fujiwara and gagged. "UGH! Tastes like burnt asshole!" He tossed him carelessly to the stand as the SOS Brigade laughed.

"ENOUGH!" Belome shouted, akin to the matter of the King of Hyrule.

"_Yes. Do shut the fuck up,_" Chupon gurgled. Murkuro walked up and took a seat.

"So..." Ultros trailed off, writing a note in the meantime (he was actually completing that Sunday's crossword puzzle). "What is your relationship with the super bisexual bitch over there?"

"HEY!" Haruhi shouted, jumping up. "I'll have you all know that I happen to be seventy percent straight and thirty percent gay, thank you very much!" Haruhi declared proudly.

"Miss Suzumiya, you should PROBABLY keep trivia like that to yourself..." Itsuki laughed weakly.

"Not the best way to wins a case!" Tsuruya hissed up at her insane client.

"Well, they buy stuff from me and my brother," Murkuro answered simply.

"Stuff?" Belome asked.

"You know, stuff for parties. I got them a couple of trays of my special brownies last week. They would have bought more if this court case hadn't come up."

Ultros sneered. "Oh?"

"So you sell them illegal items and fed them pot brownies last week?" Doakes asked.

Murkuro suddenly realized he had made a grave mistake. "N-NO! I-"

"Stammering means lying," Ultros rushed.

Itsuki raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me, your Honor? But a little earlier you were chatting on the phone to someone, and I couldn't help but overhear a few words. Did I hear you say something about someone being involved in-"

Belome's four eyes flew open as he was picking at his black judge cape. "Errr..." He looked to the side with one blue eye to see Chupon making a gesture, consisting of him smacking a balled-up fist in one open palm- he knew what to do.

"LOOK, EVERYONE! A CLOUD!" Amazingly, everyone looked. Praising his luck, Belome whistled an eerie melody, causing a sickly-green music note to materialize: His Lulla-Bye attack. The note floated through the air until it collided with the back of Itsuki's turned around head.

The esper blinked and yawned before he slowly slunk into his chair. "Mmmmmmmmmmmm~. I go sleepy-time now..." Itsuki then fell face-first into Kyon's lap.

Kyon shrieked and tossed the conked-out Itsuki onto the floor. Not even that woke him up. A small crowd quickly gathered around his sleeping form, unable to see Belome chuckling evilly.

"Koizumi? Wake up! YOU OKAY?" yelled Haruhi in alarm.

"You're concerned about him? HE JUST VIOLATED ME!" Kyon hollered, covering up his lower area with both hands.

"_That was simple..._" smiled Chupon.

"Back to your seats, mortals! Mirai Nagato is up next!" cried Doakes, firing a pistol into the air to spark attention.

"Don't you guys worry," said Tsuruya. "Since Mirai and Yuki are pretty much family, she'll say tons of good things in Haruhi's defense, nyoro!"

Mirai was next to take the stand. Belome didn't lick her (for fear of Yuki throwing something after the court case was over), but she smelled like snow-cones and cherry-blossoms to him. How odd. Seeing that he was facing a child, Ultros adjusted his glasses and smiled toothily. On anyone else, this would have looked normal and endearing, but on Ultros, it came off as just plain sadistic.

"So, little girl..." Ultros drawled, withdrawing a bag of cookies from a pocket on his hideous suit and holding it towards the young alien-hybrid. "You are a relative of Yuki Nagato? Mirai Nagato. Is that correct?"

"Y-Yes..." Mirai said shyly, taking a chocolate-chip cookie from the open bag. "I know Haruhi through Yuki and Kyon. She's very nice."

"Oh? Really? You see her a lot?"

"Well, not a lot. At first I had to hide from her so she wouldn't get mad. You know. Haruhi would be all confused and sad that her best friends had a child."

"Ah," concluded Ultros, winking to his goons. "I see what you are getting at. It all fits. Haruhi Suzumiya is a neglectful and jealous aunt."

Mirai choked on the second cookie she was starting on, while Haruhi, Tsuruya, Yuki, Kyon, and the rest dropped their jaws. "WHAT?"

"Oh, Haruhi, why would you be like that? We raised you better than that!" Naru yelled, practically on the verge of tears.

"How the hell can my daughter be a terrible aunt? SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT GIRL THAT WELL AT FIRST!" Oruki cried incredulously.

Mirai waved her arms frantically. "NO! Haruhi's been a great aunt! She feeds me, puts me to bed, helps me with homework-"

"-_and makes me drink sake before she sexually molests me~!_" Ultros interrupted in a poor imitation of Mirai's voice, continuing in his normal voice. "Ah! Haruhi is not only a thief, she is also a child molester!"

Yuki rose to her feet. "NO ONE'S GONNA FALL FOR THAT! WE SAW YOU SAY THAT IN AN IMITATION OF MIRAI'S VOICE!" Kyon rose to his feet following Yuki's burst of OOCness.

"_...Why is the douche standing up?_" Chupon snarled uncharacteristically. Ultros translated for Kyon moment later.

"Because Koizumi has been licking my ankle for the past five minutes and it's creeping me out..." Kyon said.

Ultros slithered over to the deadpan-snarker. "So... Itsuki is Haruhi's second-in-command, I assume?"

"... Yes. You said that earlier-"

"AND HE IS SEXUALLY HARASSING THIS INNOCENT BOY, PEOPLE! Pervert see, pervert do... Lord have mercy!" Ultros said with a dramatic boom.

"Did we miss anyone?" Belome asked, quickly giving Murkuro a lick. "Hmmmmm. Like cheap cologne and fried-chicken."

"_Nope,_" Chupon gargled.

"Then, Tsuru-fuck, bring on YOUR witness, bitch!" Ultros roared.

"Oh, ho! I WILL, ASSHOLE!" She ran outside into the court lobby and wheeled in a box. "Presenting my first witness!" Tsuruya shouted, letting the box open, Imouto slumping out sweating like a marathon runner . She caught her breath from a corner in the room, ran to Tsuruya, and performed a spinning drill kick to her gut that sent her sprawling.

"NICE TO SEE YOU!" Imouto shouted. "NOW EXPLAIN WHY THAT OCTOPUS IS WRITING HARUHI'S WILL ON A PAPER BAG OR I'LL RIP YOUR SOUL APART!" After some explaining (and Tsuruya popping her hip back into place), Imouto calmed down. "Fine, I'll talk."

"And if you put your tongue on my sister at ALL..." Kyon pointed to Belome, "...I'll poke out your eyes with a Sharpie."

Belome sighed. "Fine. Sister of Kyon, take the stand." Imouto skipped to the stands.

Ultros moved over to her. "Do you have an opinion of Haruhi Suzumiya?"

Imouto smiled and said, "Yes! She's a great person! She plays with me, helps me with homework, helped me find Shamisen when he was missing-"

"Heard it before. What's the worst thing she's done to you?"

Imouto's eyes darkened. "Oh... Last Halloween was the worst... she yelled at me, scared me, locked me in the attic, sprayed me with a fire extinguisher, poured liquid nitrogen on my head to crack my hair off, and a bunch of other shit I can't remember BECAUSE SHE SHOCKED ME IN THE HEAD WITH A CAR BATTERY! Bunch of clamps and sponges..."

"Okay, that's enough kid," Ultros snickered.

"OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR!" Tsuruya roared, stabbing a finger through the air. "The prosecution is clearly influencing the witness! I would have said that with all the other ones, but I didn't have someone kick me before! Seriously, that hurt megas much."

"Oh, come on, Imouto! I only did all that because you ate all my candy and Kyon's and went hyper!" Haruhi shouted angrily. "You were foaming at the mouth and singing show-tunes from the eighties! It was weird!"

"I still get nightmares..." Yuki shuddered.

"...THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST HOLD ME STILL AND GIVE ME A CUP OF WATER, INSTEAD OF ZAPPING ME? YOU WERE LAUGHING!" Imouto countered.

"I was not! You and I are like sisters!"

"No sister would point a finger at me and fumble around for her phone to take a picture!"

"...SHUT UP, YOU LIAR! KYON, I ORDER YOU TO KILL YOUR SISTER!"

Kyon's eyes flew open in complete confusion- as did the eyes of the rest of the room. "EXCUUUUSE ME?"

Haruhi gestured wildly to the stunned Imouto. "You heard me. She insulted my credibility. Therefore, she must die!"

Haruhi would have gone on longer, but Tsuruya slid up to her and pulled her close so she could yell in her ear. "Haruhi... may I remind ya that we are in a friggin' COURTHOUSE! You just made a death-threat... against a twelve-year old, no less!"

Ultros, ever the nosy guy, heard this and decided to offer up his own two cents, all while wearing that crap-spewing grin of his. "I kinda agree with cheese-breath here. I'm against you, and even I agree that was out of line!"

Haruhi smiled viciously and pulled out a wooden mallet (from out of her skirt, no less) and smacked Ultros in the nose area with it. Then she elbowed Tsuruya in the side. As the two cried out in surprise and pain, Haruhi jumped onto her table, hammer in hand, and pointed to everyone in the room with a trembling finger.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" she snarled at Ultros, before pointing at Tsuruya, and dodging Kyon's attempts to grab her ankles. "I'll KILL YOU, TOO! AND YOU! AND YOU, AND YOU, AND YOU! _ESPECIALLY _YOU~..."

"What the heck? I don't even know her! What did I even do?" Yutaka Kobayakawa whined shrilly.

Not caring anymore, Haruhi tilted her head back as the last of her sanity trickled out of her ears and screamed out, "I'LL KILL YOU ALL! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA~!"

At the end of the room, Emiri Kimidori, TCCP, TSCP, the ENOZ girls (Miyuki, Takako, Mizuki, and Mai), and Miyoko, stood there blinking at the cackling Haruhi (who now had the whole Brigade and esper group ganging up on her).

"...I always knew she had a screw loose," Mizuki finally said.

"...Wanna grab a snow-cone? I'll buy..." TCCP offered everyone.

"Eh, why not," Takako said. And with that, Tsuruya's witnesses turned to go. Our green-haired lawyer quickly cut off their escape route and dragged them all back into the room for what she knew would fix everything.

**Outside the Courthouse...**

While all of this was going on, a bluenette yangire and a female, non-genderbent version of Kyon were engaged in a brutal knife-fight. Currently, Ryoko was straddled on Kino's stomach and had just punched her in the face.

"Say mercy..." Ryoko snickered. Kino raised her leg and struck Ryoko in the neck with enough force to snap a regular human's neck. Unfortunately, this just pissed her off.

"So it's come to this, eh?" Before she could retaliate with another punch, Ryoko noticed something crucial in the background. Kino took advantage of Ryoko's lack of assault and launched her from her stomach with a thrust. Ryoko landed on her feet and ran for the building's window, attracting Kino's attention.

_The window! It's... boarded up from the inside? Whatever, we can just smash through..._ Kino thought, before deciding to end this. "PHOENIX, HEAD FOR THE WINDOW!"

He peeked up from his conversation on carburetors with Hermes and noticed Ryoko moving her hands in a complicated manner in the air.

Hermes' engine roared to life. "Phoenix! Come on me if you want to get into that room!"

Phoenix was confused. "Don't you mean 'come WITH you'?"

"Why, what did I say?" Phoenix jumped on Hermes' seat and raced off to stop the bluenette from casting her hex.

Of course, being a loyal motorcycle, Hermes drove over to Kino first. "Are you okay? You need a ride?" Kino picked up her knife and hopped on Hermes' seat.

"Go, go go!" Phoenix shouted as Ryoko finished her incantation. Within seconds, a weird, pink, and white shield sectioned into honeycombs or hexagons formed over the entire side of the building. It looked pretty thick.

"That's what she said!" Haruki Suzumiya smirked from across the street, before the author hit him in the mouth with a hockey-puck. "OW! Worst cameo ever!"

"We're too late!" Kino shouted as Ryoko faced them, a cruel smile on her devious face.

Ryoko laughed jubilantly. "Yes, and I have succeeded! Now I need to go get my cash, fake ID, and passport so I can-" She was quickly cut off as Hermes' trajectory ran right over her. "...Well, fuck me running." Ryoko sighed, peeling herself off the dirt.

"Okay, let me ask you some questions, before you come after us again. First of all, do you have anything to do with this Ultros gentlemen that is connected to Phoenix's case? And second, why are you after me?" Kino questioned, sliding off of Hermes' seat and onto her feet.

In return, Ryoko frowned darkly. "Fine. I'll humor you. As a matter of fact, I am well-acquainted with Mr. Ultros. But that is all I am saying. As for your other question, I DO know you. You... vexatious little monkey!"

"What'd Kino do to you?" Phoenix asked curiously.

"Oho! What DID she Do to ME? I'll tell... in a DRAMATIC FLASHBACK SEQUNECE~!" Ryoko boomed as the screen went all fuzzy.

_****Flashback** **_

_It's a sunny day and Ryoko was skipping with a pocketful of yen (that she snagged from a hoarding Yuki) to the nearby hunting goods store. She entered and was greeted by the friendly shopkeeper. _

_"Hello, Miss Asakura. Looking for something new in our collection of blades? We just got a new shipment of skinning knives from India!" the young male clerk chirped. _

_"Mmmmm, thank you for offering, but I think I'll just browse for now," Ryoko answered with a caring smile. Walking around the shop, Ryoko began to admire the various knives in their glass cases. _

_Suddenly, one caught her attention. Lying on a satin pillow was a nineteenth century Bowie knife with a beautifully carved opal in the sleek, black handle. _

_"Oh! Do I even have a Bowie from that time-period? I have a seventeenth and an eighteenth... Oh, who cares, I gotta have it!" The chronic-stabber dug through her wallet to make sure she had enough dough before purchasing her desired weapon. By the time she looked up, the knife was gone. _

_"What? Where's my baby?" Ryoko screeched. _

_Looking towards the door, she spotted Kino walking out, knife in a little pink baggie, and whistling. Ryoko ran up to the clerk and quickly asked who that person was. _

_"Oh, Miss Asakura, you just missed our other customer. Miss Kino is another regular here, but I don't think you've ever met her. Too bad you two couldn't chat. My 1,000th sale here, too. I just gave her a free poppy-seed muffin!" the clerk announced happily._

_Ryoko gasped. Poppy-seed muffin? That was her favorite! She'd cross the nine circles of Hell and back just for a crumb! Her belly rumbled at the thought of the tasty organic treat. How dare that girl with the questionable gender deprive her of that lethal weapon and tasty pastry! _

_Seeing Kino in the act of still getting onto her parked motorcycle, Ryoko thrust out a hand towards the store's owner. "Shopkeeper, I humbly request the most powerful firearm your store can offer me at the moment.." _

_Smiling, the young man knelt down under the counter and held a large gun with a tubular end and an old-fashioned handle- a blunderbuss. "Just one simple click of the trigger and BAM! Problem solved! ...Hey!"_

_"BWA HA HA HA! DIE!" Ryoko sang madly ripping the blunderbuss out of his hands, and now aiming the weapon at Kino. She pulled the trigger... and nothing happened. "What? No!"_

_"Did you honestly think that it would be loaded?" The shopkeeper deadpanned before Ryoko cracked him in the nose with the butt of the gun. "Yowch! What gives? We still got some blueberry muffins in the back if you want any!" _

_"HANG YOUR BLUEBERRIES, YOU FILTHY BUM!" Ryoko raged, running into the street. But by the time she got there, it was too late. Kino and Hermes were long gone. The prim and proper class representative was left both knife-less and muffin-less. _

_Ryoko blinked a few times before unleashing a scream of pure rage and agony that shattered all the nearby windows. _

_****End Flashback****_

"And that is why I hate you. I had to pay for all those windows, too! What? Too moved by my tale of strife to even speak back to me?" Ryoko asked with a smug grin.

"...Were the blueberry muffins any good?" Phoenix asked in a dumfounded tone. Kino and Hermes mimicked his bewildered expression.

Ryoko's face fell as she blinked and tried to recall the clear memory's foggiest detail. "Well, they were _actually_ kind of delicious... BUT THAT ISN'T THE POINT! You have wronged me, Kino, and for that you shall pay! What do you say to that?"

Kino smirked after that rather ridiculous challenge. "Absolutely not. I simply don't deal with children. Do you think I'm going to take you seriously after that whole tirade? Looks like a case of _Achakura_ whining about how mean ol' Kino doesn't play faaiir~!" Kino taunted.

A vein popped up on Ryoko's neck. "Do... NOT... compare... me... to that DWARF!" Ryoko yelled, unaware that she had just hurt the feelings and trust of her vertically-challenged friend, who was hiding in a bush with a sniper rifle planning on taking out the lawyer, the motorrad, and Kyon's non-genderbent female counterpart.

"And besides, you know that knife one of your short friends tossed in the street with her umbrella? That WAS the knife I got from the display case. If you want it, just hyper-run back to the swamp and get it. It'll take you, what, twenty seconds?" Kino inquired curtly.

Ryoko pondered this. "You know what? I think that after I've dealt with all three of you, I'll rip out your throat out with my NEW baby, and then take your _entire_ collection of knives as a trophy! Ahhh, that nineteenth century blade will look SO lovely embedded in your taxidermied skull~!"

Phoenix leaned at a forty-five degree angle to Kino and loudly whispered to her. "I THINK SHE'S TALKING TO YOU!"

"NO FUCKING SHIT, SHE'S TALKING TO ME!" Kino decked Phoenix in the jaw.

Ryoko grinned at the comment and thought of a line to tell off the crew before beheading and dismantling them.

Fortunately for Ryoko, that grin turned into a sneer.

The sneer into an open-mouth smile.

Finally, the smile turned into a soul-chilling laugh of genuine amusement.

"AH HA HA HA! YOUR LAWYER IS A FUCKING MORON! HA HA HA! AND YOU HAVE A REALLY DORKY HAT!" Ryoko guffawed uproariously, clutching her stomach.

This gave Phoenix ample time to grab the knife from Ryoko's grip and plant it firmly in Ryoko's kidney. As the data-interface struggled to grab the knife while laughing her ass off and uttering death threats (a humorous and spine-tingling sight to behold), Kino jumped on Hermes, who the crew had nearly forgotten about and turned on his engine.

"What're ya doing, Kino?" Hermes asked, not liking that suddenly deranged look in his owner's eye.

"THIS!" the traveler shouted in a strong OOC fashion. No ONE insulted her sense of clothing and got away with it!

The pissed-off girl drove to Ryoko on the bike and, while still speeding, pulled out favorite knife-gun, and clipped Ryoko's throat with the dagger, decapitating her. Since she was a data-interface, and hence, couldn't die (that, and if she did die, the author would get in trouble with the admins of this site), the poor girl attempted to control her body into grabbing her head.

Kino smiled at her work. "A crowning moment of awesome indeed for yours truly..."

Hermes snickered. "We should get some bangwheat to eat, this is better than a movie!"

Phoenix and Kino facepalmed, and shouted, in unison: "POPCORN, YOU VERBALLY-CHALLENGED MOTOR-TRANSPORT METHOD!"

"Uuaaa~..." moaned Hermes.

"Oooooooh, just wait, you bumbling circus clowns! Just wait until my well-toned and luscious body gets a hold of- OVER HERE, YOU IDIOT!" Ryoko roared at her body, the headless teenage frame kneeling down and pawing at the sidewalk. Watching from the sidelines was the now complete Ryoko clan.

"Should we help here out and kill those guys?" Ashakura questioned out loud.

"Nah. Give her five more minutes this is funny!" said a spiteful and sore Achakura.

"Yes. And then we can feast on their marrow..." AURyoko cackled, licking her lips.

"...It's official. You're crazier than all of us, Ms. Movie-Lesbo," Ryou mumbled, performing Kyon's trade-mark you-know-what.

"Thank you!"

**Meanwhile, in Belome's Court...**

After several minutes of grappling, wrestling, biting, kicking, punching, poking, scratching, and tazering, Haruhi was placed back into her seat. Ultros was sitting in his own, recovering from where Haruhi had tried to strangle him with two of his own arms. It should be noted that everyone was now staring warily at Haruhi now.

"Hmmmm..." said Hanyuu in her seat. "I sense that someone nearby just butchered my signature catchphrase."

"Oh, quiet, you. You're just hallucinating again," spoke Rika.

"Aauuu~..."

Anyways, after many long-winded speeches by Emiri Kimidori, TCCP, TSCP, Miyuki, Takako, Mizuki, Mai, and Miyoko (who were all guarding a terrified Imouto), the jury nodded in various approval at all the nice things they had said about Haruhi as a person. They then all went to sit in the benches with everyone else to rest. The reason you aren't going to be reading about what those reasons are is because this fic has become much too crazy already, and the good things about Haruhi wouldn't nearly be as entertaining about the bad things about her, so writing them all down would be a waste. Plus, the author's hands hurt like hell.

"What great evidence!" exclaimed Four-Eyes.

"Yeah! It really was!" agreed Mirai. "I agree that it was fantastic and well-put together evidence as well!"

"I knew my baby wasn't a rotten apple~!" Naru sang sweetly, anime flowers and sparkles surrounding her.

"Even I think Suzumiya is innocent now!" exclaimed Norio. "...even if she's wronged me before in the past and scarred me mentally and physically!"

"My daughter was innocent all along! I told you all from the beginning! Especially you, you whining brat!" laughed Oruki, pointing at an equally-happy Norio.

"You said it, you bipolar bastard!"

"I also agree with my peers!" Sasaki cheerfully said.

"Us as well," Kyouko, Fujiwara, and Kuyou said robotically, reading from their scripts. It also seemed that everyone had forgotten the subtle death-threats made against them for some reason. Oh, well.

"Hooray! I'm off the hook!" Haruhi cheered. "Told you all!" Kyon mumbled something under his breath about her trying to ice his sister barely a few minutes ago, but Haruhi didn't seem to acknowledge the statement.

"And all thanks to my great witnesses, nyoro! I expects to be paids in a ton of smoked-cheese, Haruhi!" Tsuruya piped up.

"...And you WONDER why you're folks worry about your sense of financial supervision..." Yuki said to her friend.

"Don't congratulate my greatness now, Yuki! That chicken-dog is about to say something!"

"Wowza!" said a stunned Belome. "That entire line-up of star witnesses was so perfectly put together that I felt my very soul cry! I hereby declare that Haruhi Suzumiya is free of all-"

The entire room leaned forward to hear the delicious words 'charges' and 'innocent' be uttered. But before the gavel could come down.

"OBJECTION!" cried Ultros, shooting an 'I'm going to rape you' look at his planted judge, and holding up a video-tape. "I happen to possess evidence so powerful and moving, that it will make all previous statements and claims look like complete crap, therefore making the two hours we've spent here, a complete waste of time!"

Belome quickly resumed his disguise's identity and began to talk in a snooty upper-crust voice. "Mister Ultros, it is not your turn to speak. It is still Miss Tsuruya's. I am not considering your evidence as no one holds a VCR that works anymore. That's about as useless as a video of Whoopi Goldberg in the shower! That, and your check bounced..." Belome whispered the last part to himself.

The courtroom's occupants shuddered in fear as they pictured the aforementioned shower tape.

"I just wanna go home and watch T.V..." Kyon whined.

Ultros shot the boy a 'Screw you to high-heaven' stare and continued. "It's only five minutes long, but it will be more than enough to show how I was plagiarized and beaten up. Plus, you all know it will be good because I wore my good tie today."

Belome sighed. "Point taken. You have a VCR?"

"Yes, I do!" Ultros opened Chupon's mouth and dug out a VCR cassette player, wiping off the spittle from it. "Eww. Anyway, here is the evidence I should have pulled out in the first goddamn place so that thieving harlot - I mean, piece of tsundere jailbait ass would have NO defense! Especially at HER hands!"

Ultros pointed to Tsuruya, who waved like a moron. After going to the Brawl cast and bribing a T.V. and cord out of Jigglypuff and plugging it in, powering it up, and putting in the tape, Ultros sneered and pressed 'Play'.

The video started with Ultros drinking a can of Coca-Cola in front of a white brick wall, the footage shaking as a pink claw briefly entered the lens before disappearing. "Hey! Miss Suzumiya! How are you?" Ultros cheerily greeted.

The scene cut to Haruhi, with her now much longer hair done up in pigtails and sitting at a desk in a _familiar _classroom. "Shut up."

Back to the brick wall, Ultros had a disturbed look on his face. "Damn, I was just-"

"Whatever." This time, Haruhi had short hair and was looking out a window.

Back to the wall, Ultros sniffed and gagged. "Ugh! You smell like Georgia! And is that alcohol on your breath? I thought you were sober! What about the social club meetings we went to at Bible camp?"

Haruhi was now in outer-space and wearing a red uniform with gold trim, fighting the Computer Club in their game. "Damn you, Kyon! That's MY enemy!"

Ultros stepped to the side. "ENEMY? What in the name of Cliff Burton are you talking about?"

Cut to a clip of Haruhi falling from a cliff on some sort of island for no clear reason; Kyon now a block of blue and gray pixels. "Oh, no! Miss Suzumiya? Are you okay?" Ultros called out in the name of all that is corny and tastes like diabetes.

A fuzzy pic of her yelling and glaring at Kyon from Endless Eight showed up. "Miss S-S-Suzumiya! Y-You're scaring me!"

A zoom on Haruhi's power-exchanging stare from the Day of Sagittarius was shown along with the famous theme from Psycho; Ultros paled. "NO, HARU-"

"WHO'S YELLING OUT HERE?" The manager of a nearby White Castle shouted. Ultros shut off the camera, the screen blacking out temporarily, and turned it back on. The timestamp in the video changed to five minutes.

"OH MY, GOD! SHE KILLED THAT WHITE CASTLE MANAGER!" Ultros pointed to the _body_ of the manager, which suspiciously looked like a demolished watermelon that got dropped from a skyscraper, covered in cherry sauce, stuffed with firecrackers, and propped up against the wall. Also, Ultros' tentacles were charred and bloody. One of his fangs was blacked out and there was also a black-eye on him, too. Small trickles of black slid from the 'injuries'.

"NO, HARUHI~!" Ultros screamed, shaking four fists at the sky. "WHY? YOU WERE MY FRIEND! NO! NO! NO! NO!" He then fainted, his head collapsing on the pavement with a wet squish, and his tongue unfurling from his mouth like a party-favor.

And with that, the tape ended and Ultros ejected the tape before the World Tournament of Strip Yu-Gi-Oh! Poker was displayed to the court. "And that's what really happened. I will present my last piece of evidence later. I allow Miss Tsuruya her turn on the stand. For now, I rest my case," Ultros said, sitting down with a perfectly straight face.

And then there was silence. Complete silence. No one spoke a single line of dialogue. Everyone who had just witnessed that entire... _thing _just sat there in silence. It was without a doubt, the most bizarre spectacle ever concocted. The deafening calm was shortly shattered by Chupon, who instantly began clapping.

"_Boss, that was brilliant acting! You should win an Academy Award for that!_" Chupon cried, tears spilling from his puffy eyes. Not wanting to seem unsympathetic, the entire room burst into applause. Many of them started making faces at Haruhi and booing at her.

"Boo!" said Mikuru, shutting up after Yuki clamped a hand over her trap.

"Oh, that poor octopus!" Naru sobbed, wiping her eyes with a tissue.

"There, there, Naru. There, there..." Oruki cooed softy to his wife.

"Oh, poor Ultros!" cried Mirai.

"I certainly wouldn't that girl walking around the streets with my kids... if I had any!" Murkuro exclaimed.

"...I hate all of you," Norio deadpanned, smashing his forehead into the guardrail of the jury-stands when he realized that everyone nearby had caught a nasty case of IdiotBallitis.

"Tsuruya..." Haruhi whispered, under the boos and hisses of the attendees.

"Yeah, Haruhi?" Tsuruya replied back, still disturbed by what had just transpired.

"...You had better have some more damn good evidence or I am going to make you my bitch once I go to jail..."

Swallowing hard, Tsuruya nodded vigorously, needing no further persuasion.

"Say, Yutaka..." Keiichi of the Tamaru brothers asked quietly, making sure the neither Mori or Arakwaa could hear him.

"Yes?" replied the younger of the two siblings.

"...What's the word on Sasakiism?"

* * *

**A/N: And with that, my friends, is the end of part three. Part four will be up a LOT sooner. We get... A DAYDREAM! OMG and such! And just what sort of cruel punishment will Haruhi receive? And why does Ultros hate Haruhi in the first place? And will Ryoko get her head back on? Tune in next time! **

**So make sure to review, even if you don't feel like it. And feel to copy and paste any line(s) you found humorous. I just like it when people to that. Makes me happy that I wrote the line, ya know? A lot better than just hearing 'Good job!'. :S **

**And, yes, in Super Mario RPG, Belome has the power to devour members of Mario's party and spit them out along with a clone to assist him in battle. He also comments on their flavor after doing so. It's also where Haruhi's wooden mallet comes from. So, yeah... **

**See you all soon! **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	80. Lawyers, Money, and Seafood Soup: Part 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I would also like to thank ObsidianWarrior once again for lending me some assistance for jokes and an OC he came up with just for the daydream sequence I made in this chapter. Also, many thanks are in order for my other friend, Mr. Wang 330. He, too, was a big help to me by loaning out two OCs from his own imagination and for writing two scenes in which they interact. I only just made some edits and such. Thanks, dudes. :3 **

**Before you start reading, here are today's new OCs: **

**Kosaka Rikanji- A punkish girl not from Haruhi's world. Just who is she, where did she come from, and what's her agenda? May or not be a time-traveler~... **

**Takeo and Asami- A gamer dude and no-nonsense girl who come from the future. Who are they? What are their connections to Haruhi and Kyon? Are they friends or foes? Read on to find out! **

**And note on two gags here. The Chewbacca thing is from South Park and the odd description of Itsuki's is from the Super Mario Brothers Super Show, which has been used in countless YouTube Poops. **

**We'll also get new baddies in here. And after this, we have the conclusion to the arc! With that all said and done, here is part four, people! **

**

* * *

****Lawyers, Money, and Seafood Soup: Part 4:**

Following that rather... _spectacular _video, Kyon stood up. "That was the biggest load of PIG CRAP I have EVER seen!" he shouted in a fit of rage. Really, who could have honestly bought all that tripe? A

Ultros turned to the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider." Ultros pulled out a chart with a picture of Chewbacca. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; _that does not make sense!_"

Kyon froze before blinking in fear. "Oh, no..."

Ultros snickered. "Oh, YES. Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm an octopus that lives in an apartment that has Churuya Rats infesting my work, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, _it does not make sense_!If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must charge her with thievery, stupidity in the first degree, and being an obscene, asshole tsundere in the first degree!"

_"Right as always, boss!" _Chupon coughed.

"Hmmmmm? What 's going on, Kyon?" Mikuru asked, noting the way her friend was glowering.

"Yes, what was that whole business dealing with a creature called a Wookiee?" Yuki asked, also wanting an answer.

"Something I'd thought would never appear in a situation as bizarre as this..." Kyon sighed, having lost the energy to even facepalm at the moment.

"THAT, my comrades, was the Chewbacca Defense," Mori answered, glaring at the prosecution. "In hindsight, I really should have known that this was coming."

"Yes, of course. An ingenious ploy. Well-played..." murmured Arakawa, twiddling his creepy old person mustache.

"Excuse me, my personal cult members... but what the hell is the Chewbacca Defense?" Haruhi stared right at her posses of espers.

"Well, according to my book, Haruhi, the Chewbacca Defense is a law move that is used in megassa times of need. Usually, it's used when the circumstances are mega high. Pretty good ploy, because it's so damn confusing that no one understands it; but everyone goes along with it anyways, nyoro!" Tsuruya answered, pointing at a picture of the hairy Star Wars cast member in her book.

"I see... Just like Yu-Gi-Oh!" Haruhi concluded.

"Or the ending of Evangelion," Kyon added.

"Or the casting order of our first season," Yuki droned. Everyone quickly let out a sigh of nostalgia.

Back on the podium, Belome was scribbling all of Haruhi's offenses on a crowded yellow document with a quill-pen. "So now we got thievery, stupidity, assholelishness... and before I forget that dude over there tells me you pushed him."

From the stands, Ichigo shook his fist. "I'll get you for this, you evil hot chick!"

"Yeah, yeah, get in line!" Haruhi taunted flipping the guy the bird. For a person who wanted to look like a good judge of character, she wasn't doing so well.

Tsuruya gritted her teeth, frustrated. She wasn't about to let this calamari bastard convict her friend...

"Well, that's all right, nyoro, 'cause I've still got an ace up my sleeve!" Tsuruya exclaimed. She promptly put her hand in her sleeve and pulled out a King of Spades. "Damn it!" She tossed the card and pulled out a green number two Uno card. "Damn it!" She proceeded to look in her sleeve once more and pulled out the Black Luster Soldier card. "Damn it!"

"Hey, I've been looking for that!" Oruki shouted, though Naru quickly yanked him by the collar to sit him back down.

After pulling out an array Pokémon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Magic the Gathering, and baseball cards, Tsuruya utterly gave up the drama. "Ah, screw it... Just get in here already!"

With a snap of her fingers, the courtroom doors slammed open. The entire crowd in the courtroom quickly focused their attention on the man entering the room. He was a young man, wearing the North High uniform, brown hair, and peculiarly enough, wearing a military beret. In combination with his uniform, it made him look like a military operative off of a low-budget Sci-Fi film. However, nobody could deny his face looked slightly familiar to someone else in the room...

"I present to you... My surprise witness!" Tsuruya shouted out triumphantly.

"Who the hell are you?" Belome roared.

The young man laughed, and did a rather strange courteous bow, with a doff of his hat. "The name's Takeo Suzumiya. Nice to meet you all. I've been sitting on a wooden bench for a couple of hours so getting to stand up is feeling REALLY good right now. Plus, that guy in the police uniform who's been knocking on the front door for a while with the pony-tailed girl lying on the bench, was getting on my nerves."

Back in the lobby, Hiaso was still examining the door, unable to guess why it wouldn't open up, while Emi napped and recovered near him. The crowd started murmuring and whispering amongst themselves about this strange new witness. Mori and the other espers appeared to be befuddled by the appearance of this weirdo.

"And what relation do you have with Suzumiya...? Are you her... brother?" asked a confused Arakawa.

"Oh, that's easy!" Tsuruya exclaimed before Takeo could say anything. "He's Haruhi's and Kyon's son, nyoro~!"

An uproar of shouting and yelling occurred in the courtroom, many of which were in shock, surprise, or complete 'WTF' looks on their faces.

"That's right. Kyon's my dad. Haruhi's my mom. Tsuruya, though some strange and plot-twisted manner, contacted me from the future to testify," answered the spawn of Kyon's loins.

"Yup! I have my ways~!" Tsuruya said with a mysterious smile, before she turned to stare at the seated lucky Star girls and began to scratch her chin in contemplation. "I had another person, but she's not arriving yet for some reason..."

Haruhi herself looked shocked, and completely utterly speechless. Kyon merely facepalmed. Stuff like this crap happened every day to him, and he didn't really have a will to talk against it right now.

"Yep... Fuck my life..." Kyon bemoaned.

"DAMN IT, KYON!" Oruki shouted, rolling up his sleeves. "I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THE SNAKE IN ITS CAGE! AND WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU KNOCK MY DAUGHTER UP! I WILL PERSONALLY KILL YOU MYSELF!"

"I haven't even done anything! He just said he was from the future!" Kyon said, his face red hot from embarrassment.

"Uh, grandpa, shut up..." Takeo calmly interrupted. Oruki's face of rage died down, as he took his seat back down.

"Grandpa...?" he repeated. A tear slid down Oruki's face. "'I'm... going to be a grandpa!" he shouted out once again, tightly bear-hugging Naru.

"Damn it, just get on with the damn case so I can go home!" Belome shouted, practically shaking the entire room. He didn't even care to try and lick Takeo. Besides, he smelt like a burnt CPU drive.

"Um... right... So, I see where mom gets her bat-shit craziness from... Oh, right! My testimony!" Takeo remembered, pulling out a piece of paper. "Ahem... I believe that Haruhi is a great person. I was brought into this courtroom today to describe just how wonderful Haruhi is in the future. I mean, she's a great mom. She's a hell of a lot less crackish in the future, but most of all, she's a loving and cari-"

"I OBJECT TO HIS OBJECTION!"a voice echoed out. The crowd turned around to see a young woman enter the room. She was clad in the North High sailor uniform, had shoulder-length reddish-brown hair, a pair of bookworm glasses that held a hell of a lot more charm Yuki's once did, and a familiar bustiness reminiscent to someone else in the room...

"Yes? And who might you be?" Belome said, rather excitedly, already smelling the peach and coconutty aura about her.

"I am Asami Asahina," she calmly stated. "And Haruhi is nothing more than a conniving whore and a horrible influence to everyone around her!"

"Oh, shit... It's you..." Takeo groaned, facepalming remarkably like someone else in the room.

Ultros and Chupon looked at the events occurring rather soft-spoken than normal, however, when this Asami person appeared, they couldn't help but smile.

"I don't know who she is, but I think I like her already," Ultros mused.

"_Yes... Tsuruya has a surprise witness, but I guess we have our own... and I guess she really is a surprise witness because the real surprise is that we have no idea who the hell she is!_" Chupon added.

Mikuru watched the argument between the two, and she had no idea what was going on. "Excuse me... Are you my sister, or a relative from some other time?"

"Eh... something like that..." Asami said nervously. With an adjustment of her glasses, the girl went over to her counterpart. "I have no easy way of saying this, but I'm your daughter from the future... Oh, and the father's Kyon."

Mikuru shrieked heavenly and fainted on the spot. However, despite the fact this was Haruhi's trial, most eyes angrily looked toward Kyon. The eyes bearing the most weight on him were Oruki , Naru, Yuki, and Haruhi.

"So let me get this straight..." Haruhi started, her annoyance barely contained. "You _kinda_ cheated on me with Yuki, had a data-baby who was already a teen, then cheated on Yuki with _me_, then cheated on me with Mikuru, then while I gave birth to our child, Mikuru had a mini-Mikuru of her own... and YOU NEVER EVEN TOLD ME ABOUT IT?" she yelled.

"I never... wait, why am I with Nagato all of a sudden?" Kyon asked. He looked to his side to see an uncharacteristically sobbing Yuki, being comforted by Mirai.

"I thought we had something special! How could you just abandon Mirai and I like that? She's your daughter, after all!" Yuki cried out uncontrollably.

"Technically, I'm his daughter, too," Asami added.

Kyon whirled to look at his potential future daughter and said, "Damn it, I don't even know you! Listen, Nagato, I never knew you... felt like that. I mean, just because we had that data-child, I-"

"Oh, so she's just data? That's all she is to you?" Yuki cried out. This prompted Mirai to sob out in tears along with her data-mother.

"Kyon, you... you... YOU MAN-WHORE!" Mirai shouted out.

"KYON! NOT ONLY DO YOU KNOCK UP MY DAUGHTER IN THE FUTURE, BUT YOU CHEAT ON HER AS WELL! NOW I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH FOR WRONGING MY FAMILY!" Oruki shouted, though this time, Naru was actually sharpening a nearby naginata for him to use.

"Uh, technically, Kyon never cheated on anyone. Asami and I come from the future in separate time planes that happen to coexist along-"

"Be quiet! You don't deserve to speak, you spawn of a harpy!" Asami quickly silenced. "Kyon deserves to be with Mikuru. I mean, Kyon, you can't deny you love her now. I think the two should happily be together the way it was meant to be..."

"Shut the hell up, no one likes Mikuru! She's just eye-candy! Everyone knows Kyon should be with Haruhi! It's canon! It's beloved by all the fans! It's the damn TRUTH!"

"You're just saying that because you need to ensure your existence in the future!"

"No, you!"

"Damn it... Why is it always me? Fuck my life..." Kyon mused.

Belome, Ultros, and Chupon groaned, as they had to sit down for the rest of another worthless pairings debate...

"Gee, courtrooms _do_ have a lotta of drama!" marveled Tsuruya, enjoying the ongoing display in front of her.

"Haruhi Suzumiya stealing and not giving credit, and THEN beating the living daylights out of the owner is as natural as a tornado. It's an open and shut-case. I don't even see why any of us should be here any longer," Asami said to the court, confident at the facts.

"Oh, PUH-lease... I was in another room and only saw a couple of seconds, but that video was a complete crock! It looked like something you could have made with Windows Movie-maker!" Takeo roared at his sorta-stepsister.

Asami just smugly smiled at him, adjusting her glasses like a super-villainess. "You're just angry I'll get to exist in the time-plane instead of you. Face it, Takeo, you're history. And let's admit it, the world would be a much better place if a girl with a mind and body such as myself! It doesn't need another Halo and Call of Duty fanboy~."

Takeo gasped as though he had just been shot in the heart- how dare this witch insult the gamer-type! "Oh, yeah? Well... you're fat."

"...Say what? What makes you say that?"

"Because it's true. You inherited your mother's fatness. Look at her on the floor. All that lard on her. Mikuru Asahina is a butterball. Haruhi Suzumiya is an example of human perfection. AND IF I HAVE SAID IT, IT MUST BE CANON!"

Asami was so angry at that comment on her body, that she stormed up to Takeo and grabbed the nifty hat he was wearing. With one toss, she flung the object into the wastepaper basket. Dusting her hands off, Asami faced the irate boy in front of her. In a fit of rage, Takeo grabbed Asami's glasses and hurled them to the ground. The collision caused one of the lenses to crack and pop out.

"Ha ha!" crowed Takeo.

"..." said Asami, her right eye twitching as her barred teeth grinded together in her mouth.

"...Oops."

"YOU MUST DIE!"

Both kids began running in a circle around the courtroom, until they came to a confused Mirai. Takeo hid behind Mirai while Asami made several weak attempts to grab him. Mirai just stood there, afraid of moving. It was at this point that Mikuru revived herself (Haruhi kept poking her with a pencil).

During all the of this excitement, Yutaka and Keiichi observed the OC jury. They were all whispering to one another. Some, like Haruhi's folks, seemed unsure but knew what they saw of the video was a load of bull. Others, mainly the Anti-SOS Brigade, looked very eager to believe whatever Ultros told them. Had anyone else been paying attention to Itsuki's coming-to body on the ground, they would have noticed Doakes shoveling an odd, white powder into his nostrils from a plastic bag. The second Itsuki stirred, Doakes scuttled away, giggling under his black helmet. Eventually, Mirai grabbed both kids by the collars and forced them to sit down with her in the stands. The little alien then fixed up her half-sister's glasses and fetched her brother's hat from the trash after dusting at a bit. Both mumbled a word of thanks before taking back their items and commenced to silently glaring at one another. Mirai just sat there and began to hum a little song she had made up on the spot.

"Urgh... I'm awake now everyone... A daughter with Kyon... Hee hee," Mikuru giggled lazily, trying to regain her composure before a startling fact hit her."Wait, how can _they_ use a legal defense move? They're the prosecution!" Mikuru cried out loudly, quickly remembering the plot of the arc as she pointed at the slimy and fluffy monsters.

"By golly, you're right! OBJECTION, OBJECTION, OBJECTION!" Tsuruya yelled, banging her fists on table.

"WHAT?" Ultros roared from his chair, putting his broker on hold on his cell phone, who was trying to locate a bank that could turn transfer yen into Gil.

"Yes, what is it?" Belome asked nicely, secretly angry that his spray-painting a big green dollar sign on a burlap sack was interrupted. He was eager to find out if Ultros had found a guy who could swap yen for a few Kero Coins, too.

"Your Honor, the prosecution went against the book! Due to their stance, the Chewbacca Defense doesn't hold up! It is null and void, nyoro! And as I always say... IF THE ARMBAND DOESN'T FIT, THEN YOU MUST ACQUIT!" Tsuruya exclaimed proudly, arms raised to the ceiling.

The jury, the court, the fictional characters, the original characters, the reader, and everyone in existence groaned at such a tasteless joke.

"Oh, that was brilliant," Mori smirked.

"Geez, Tsuruya, with a friend like you, who needs an enemy?" Haruhi muttered.

Tsuruya just grinned, oblivious to the horrible pun she'd just uttered. "Just doin' my job! So, Your Honor? What do you think?"

All eyes went to the barely moving Belome, who blinked about sixteen times before saying, "I'm just a miniboss, your words of law don't make any sense to me."

"But-"

"I AM ABOVE THE LAW!"

"What? That doesn't make any sense, ya dumb mutt!" Takeo piped up.

In his rage, Belome hurled his mallet at Takeo, mistakenly hitting Itsuki's head instead. That jarred him from his sleep and the esper sat up and looked around with a disturbing smile.

"Yo, dudes, what's shaking?" Itsuki asked, his eyes now closed.

"Oh, Koizumi! You're okay!" Mikuru said cutely.

"Yeah. I thought you were going to die..." Kyon said with disappointment. Before Mori or the others could offer their sentiments, Itsuki suddenly stood up on top of his own chair. Doakes grinned at Chupon during this.

"My, friends! I have some of my own evidence that will say Miss Suzumiya is innocent! May I say it? It's SUPER rad!" Itsuki asked, smiling stupidly.

"Go on ahead!" Belome piped up, all too eagerly.

"Thanks! Lulz!"

"Crackas, I got a bad feeling about this," Yuki monotoned deeply.

And without so much as a warning, Itsuki suddenly plopped down onto his butt, sitting Indian-style on the table, chin propped up in his hands. "Well, ya see... It all started one day when Miss Nagato, Miss Suzumiya, and I went to Dinosaur World for a vacation... Lulz!"

"...What?" Mori said in an emotionless voice. Arakawa eyes expanded to the size of basketballs. The Tamaru brothers exchanged 'What the hell has Itsuki been smoking looks', not knowing how close to the truth they were. The OCs all wore faces that resembled that internet smiley. You know? The one that has a line-break with a capital 'O' on either side of it.

Itsuki continued his rambling in a surfer-dude kind of voice, pacing around the room and up to the jury, much to the Brigade's horror. "But when we got to Dome City, the place was deserted!" He pointed right at Murkuro and Norio and snarled, "Koopa Football Players grabbed the goddess!"

"What the fuck?" Murkuro sputtered, wondering if that was some kind of swear. Itsuki stomped up to the confused trio of Sasaki's minions and roughly slapped them all in their faces simultaneously.

"Nagato was attacked by a Koopa Wizard! And a Magnum Bill!" Itsuki yelled jabbing at an angry Kyouko and Fujiwara, before turning to a shivering Kuyou. "And I found myself face to face... WITH A FIRE-SUMO!"

"Destroy him later, Kuyou," Kyouko hissed.

Kuyou's gaze darkened. "_With pleasure..._"

Itsuki then turned towards the ceiling of the room and yelled in a voice fit for Broadway dramas: "I FELL FOR HOURS!"

"Wow! Four hours long time!" Tsuruya concluded, captivated by the tale. Kyon, Yuki, Mikuru, Mori, Arakawa, Keiichi, Yutaka, Imouto, Sasaki, Oruki, Norio, Asami, Takeo, Mirai, Four-Eyes, Kagami, Ayano, Mion, Rika, Ichigo, Mario, Sonic the hedgehog, Pit, Link, Pikachu, Waddle-Dee, Mudkip, and anyone else with an IQ over 100 facepalmed.

"CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Haruhi asked in a thunderous voice.

At this time, Itsuki was crawling on the ceiling and spinning his head around. Almost instantly, he kicked out a tile on the ceiling, which dropped down, and started to eat it.

"I believe that he's been fed drugs in the past five minutes," Asami clarified.

"Nice observation... daughter?" Kyon said.

"I'LL KILL YO,U YA SONOVA BITCH! YOU RAPED MY DAUGHTER!" Itsuki ran to Kyon, only to be kicked in the crotch by Mikuru. Kyon just shrugged and took his wallet.

Doakes was making his way to the back to check up on some other business and to not be fingered for the drug-feeding with his walkie-talkie. "Yeah. The blue fivesome haven't reported in yet. Got it. I'll still keep an ear for them. And I made sure that no one can get in or out of the building with that wood you ordered. Oh, and Ultros, I'll be taking my share of the dough in Rupees. I need me a temple of my own someday. And a name title intro dealie."

Ultros noticeably flinched. "Uh... There's a two week wait for a guy who can change yen into Rupees."

Doakes fought the urge to tackle Ultros, but complied nonetheless, exiting through the narrow doorway. Yuki stared after the Darknut, eyes deep in thought.

"I think now is as good a time as any to show off my last piece of evidence! Mr. Chupon, give the jury Exhibits X, Y, and Z! My evidence is so important and big that it demanded the last THREE letters to represent it!" Ultros said, giving Chupon the signal to pass around his folder. "Note the photos were taken after Miss Suzumiya viciously attacked me. I had some very trusted associates follow her around out of concern of my personal safety."

"_I think the jury will be astounded by our findings!_" Chupon grumbled, opening up the file and take out three large photographs that were blown up to briefcase-sized proportions. He handed them out to the jury like it was show and tell. After some passing around and shocked faces, the evil marshmallow-monster floated up and held the cards over his head so that everyone could see them.

The first picture was marked X. In it, Haruhi was shown to be exiting the downtown public library in the Books section of Fic City. In her arms were a bundle of large books. What was weird was the fact that she was dressed in dark shades, a long coat, and a wide-brim hat. The second picture, marked Y, was of Haruhi in her room at night. The shot was taken on a very high altitude, since the photographer must have been on the second floor to get such a close shot. Haruhi was sitting around at her desk with a few bottles of booze lying around, food on the floor (including piles of flour), and a dazed smile on her face. Finally, picture Z showed Haruhi walking around with some documents in her right hand. The script for Ultros' play, "Springtime for Kefka", was shown to be in the other.

"My! Once again, Mr. Ultros, you, your findings, and your delightful purple suit have wowed me over once again. I may actually cry..." Belome sniffled, his top left eye releasing a sing tear.

"I don't believe it! Miss Suzumiya did you REALLY do it?" Mikuru asked in shock.

"No way! It's not what it looks like!" Haruhi stated in defiance. "I did not copy that play for our opera! I just borrowed it and returned it the next day after looking up some famous names in it! I only needed some references to get a few ideas! I opened it up, looked around, and... and... and..."

"...What?" moaned the still out-of-it Itsuki, nursing his mouth.

"I don't remember what else. I got drunk, I think."

"WHAT?" yelled everyone at the table.

"I DON'T KNOW! I had a drink or two! I was just thirsty!"

"Drink Snapple next time then!" Mori yelled, her blood-pressure rising past the point where her _special _pills were needed.

As the others yelled, Yuki stared at the second and third photos intently. There was something _off _in them. It looked like there was something wrapped around Haruhi's waist, along with weird prints on the flour-covered floor... Before Yuki could look any further, Chupon put them back into the file and into his red coat. Yuki was going to get to the bottom of this sooner or later.

"No problem, Haruhi! I can still win this case! And if ya do go to the slammer, I can always bake ya a big cake with a file in it! Ha ha ha ha!" Tsuruya joked as she slapped her knees and rocked in her chair in a bout of laughter. At one point, her eyes rolled backwards as her face contorted into a position that resembled the Awesome Smiley. Said smile disappeared the second a frowning Haruhi raised a fist at her prominent forehead.

"Man, Tsuruya is hot," observed Norio. "Even when she's acting really out of character!"

"Really?" said a conflicted Four-Eyes, scratching his head. "it's hard to tell when she's _in _character!"

"...I will end you."

"What?"

"NOTHING~!"

Haruhi sighed, bored at her seemingly losing case. "Well, what's gonna be my sentence?" she asked curiously.

"Not much... You are just ordered to pay 50,000,000 gil to Ultros, as well as jail for eight million years. And maybe community-service. And my today's interest, 50,000,000 comes to about... whatever that is in yen. A lot, I assume," Belome quickly said.

"WHAT? That's like half of what I own! Or a fraction! Either way, I EARNED all that money! IT'S MINE!" Haruhi rasped, sweat pouring down her forehead.

"Calm down, Haruhi! You'll- hang on a second," Kyon said, dodging Oruki's thrown naginata. "Okay. Calm down, Haruhi! You'll cause a scene!"

"YESSS! IN YO' FACES, TSURUYA-CHAN AND HARU-NYAN!" Ultros celebrated, using a mix of street lingo and gratuitous Japanese.

"However, in order to thank all these witnesses in the courtroom, we need to give them some money. In the end, all you're getting is around... 500 gil," Belome deadpanned in his best legal-sounding voice.

"WHAT? I COULDN'T BUY A GOD DAMN ROLL OF TAPE FOR 500 GIL!" Ultros snapped, spitting up slime and ink, which was quickly mopped up by Chupon's handkerchief. No one saw the slight smile on the octopus's lips, though...

"Well, according to the book, Doakes gets 2,000, as he's a bailiff, everyone in the jury gets half of a million if they're borrowed, a whole million if they're canon or from a light novel, and the author is too lazy to explain the rest, so they all get varied amounts."

"DAMN IT!" Ultros shouted. Naru started waving her hands like crazy.

Oruki facepalmed. "Dear, god, we have money, big deal."

"It's not that, dear. I want to say something to the guy who licked me!" Naru explained.

Belome looked over. "What?"

"YA WANT SOME CUPCAKES?"

"...No."

An awkward silence. And only nukerjsr will get this joke.

"Oh, silly me! That wasn't what I wanted to ask! Can you give my sweetie the death penalty?" Naru asked, all sweet as sugar.

"...WHAT?" Doakes shouted while counting his share in his head.

"I've always wanted a mysterious daughter, so having a ghost would be fun!"

Ultros stared at her. "I've been in countless games, a fan video for a KMFDM song, countless yaoi crossover fan art pieces, and I've murdered five infants. And _THAT_ is messed up, lady..."

"MOM! I'm your baby! How can you ask for something like that? I BOUGHT you and dad that mansion for Christ's sake!" Haruhi whined, tears once more ready to spill from her eyes.

"Well..." Naru smiled and shrugged awkwardly. "You never wanted to look for demons and ghosts with me when we were just starting out in that wonderful fic! Surely with your magical-girl powers, you can become a ghost! A cute and friendly little puff of white that cracks jokes and commits whimsical little acts of mischief! Wouldn't that be a wonderful birthday present for your loving mother?"

"My wife's logical reasoning, ladies and gentlemen," Oruki stated, slapping himself in the forehead. "And, Naru, we've been over this before, Haruhi is GOD, not a magical-girl!"

"...There's a difference?"

"Whooo, boy, it's that one chapter after the tentacle-monster all over again."

"MOM, I AM NOT GETTING THE DEATH-PENALTY, AND I AM NOT GOING TO BE YOUR PERSONAL FUCKING CASPER!" Haruhi declared.

As Naru began to sniffle, Tsuruya said, "Why, oh, why would you make Haruhi go to jail so long? If ya did that, she couldn't do her show anymore. And that would mean you guys would have to face the rage of the fanbase!" She wagged her finger and grinned evilly. "That would be a megas big mistake, no?"

"She's right, ya know," Norio whispered to Kyouko, Fujiwara, and Kuyou.

"...TRUE. And after much consideration, I have settled on something different for Haruhi Suzumiya's sentence!" Belome bellowed. "Let the punishment fit the crime! In this case, the goddess shall have a punishment of almost biblical proportions!"

"And just what would that be, huh?" Haruhi asked with a glare.

"Simple. Who here has heard the legend of Prometheus?" Belome asked so that everyone in the room could hear him. After a minute of silence, someone spoke up.

"Ah. Prometheus! I know that Greek myth. he was the Titan who stole fire from Mount Olympus," Sasaki answered, looking pleased with herself.

"Right. Good little bookworm. Anyways, since the fans would rage if you were imprisoned for a really long time before your company needs to make another season, you, Haruhi Suzumiya, shall be locked up in an all ladies' jail for a stay of six months or-"

Haruhi broke Belome off, terror now on her face. "JAIL? I'M TOO SEXY AND FAMOUS FOR THE SLAMMER! ESPECIALLY A WOMENS' PRISON!" Haruhi gasped dramatically.

_****Daydream Sequence****_

_Haruhi was sitting in a prison bus and dropped off at a huge, ominous-looking, gray box of a building. Barbed wire feces surrounded its perimeter and crocodiles swam in its moat. Two burly guards then took her through the entrance and make her enter a grim dark hallway. Shadowy hands grabbed at her, while perverted eyes roved over her body._

_"Put this on," said a faceless guard, handing Haruhi a paper bag with clothes in it, and shoving her into a changing room. A moment later, Haruhi came out from the room... wearing a black and white striped bunny-girl outfit._

_"Seriously? A bunny-girl outfit?" Haruhi asked in disbelief. _

_"Enjoy the showers, sweetheart," the guard sneered before shoving her through the doors and into General Population. Haruhi tried to keep her calm as several women shouted several lecherous comments about her 'tight ass' and her breasts. _

_Now I know how Tila Tequila feels... Haruhi thought as she was led to her cell. Cell 1-5. How fitting. The guard following her shoved her in the cell with a black-haired girl with splotches of red dye in it. This one was smaller than Haruhi, so she assumed she had the upper hand. Big mistake._

_"I'm Kosaka Rikanji. You fuck with me and I'll rape you," she deadpanned. _

_Haruhi stuttered. "I-I... I'll be good." _

_Kosaka smiled, while Haruhi sat on her bed and buried her head in her hands. "If you're going to cry, save your tears. The water here is... not that pleasant." Kosaka stood up and turned on the faucet. A dark, black, watery goop ran from the faucet and stained the metal sink. _

_Haruhi gagged. "ACK! Why does it stink so bad?"_

_"May have something to do with the fact that it runs through the sewage pipe," Kosaka said. Haruhi gagged again and ran to the toilet and threw up. Kosaka stared at Haruhi's heaving back, her sight of vision running down to the outfit hugging Haruhi's ass tightly. She licked her lips. _

_Oh, yes. This is sweet... she thought._

_Then lunchtime rolled around. Haruhi and Kosaka(AKA the anime-girl equivalent of a jailhouse Bubba) entered a packed cafeteria with tons of other anime chicks. Grabbing their trays, Haruhi was stunned to see her old friend, Taiga Aisaka, passing out food to everyone. She was wearing a huge hairnet and a stained apron._

_"Taiga? Is that you?" Haruhi cried, completely surprised._

_Taiga lifted up her head and blinked a few times. "Haruhi Suzumiya? You're in jail, too? Damn. Nice to see a friendly face in a shithole like this. You look..." Taiga tilted her head to the side for a moment. "...thinner for some reason."_

_Haruhi shrugged. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I look hot. How did you end up here? I swindled an octopus."_

_"Okay... Well, I was running a health clinic as part of a job on the side. Extra cash. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of getting mixed up in some shady dealings with the doughnut company. Traded inside information to them for some more dough- no pun intended."_

_"And they caught you?" _

_"Hell, no. I was too good for them. But Ami the bitch found out and blackmailed me for some hush-money. So I ripped her in half like a phonebook. Probably shouldn't have done it in broad daylight in retrospect."_

_"...I'm gonna go sit with my new friend now."_

_"Don't you want your food?" Taiga asked. _

_"Yeah, slipped my mind. What do you have?" _

_"Chicken casserole with green beans and flan." _

_Haruhi smiled... only to drop and stare at what she was being served. The beans looked bleached, the casserole had some thick fluid dripping out of it that reminded her of semen (damn lemon fics), but the flan looked normal enough. However, she hadn't seen the dessert before in her life, so she wouldn't know. _

_Haruhi darted to where Kosaka was and sat next to her. "Can I stick by you?" Haruhi asked. _

_Kosaka turned to her.__"Fine, but if you make any noise when you eat, I'll rip your head off." _

_"She WILL do it," a cheery voice called out. Haruhi turned and saw a red-haired girl with clips in her hair sitting nearby. "Yeah, she crushed a guy's windpipe for slurping down his food. Bought herself eighty-five years with her two-month sentence for shoplifting." _

_"Asuka, shut the fuck up!" Kosaka shouted. Haruhi tried to shrink down away from the argument. _

_"Well, as you just heard, I'm Asuka Langley Soryu. Your name?" Asuka asked politely. _

_"...Haruhi," she reluctantly said, letting her name out. _

_"No last name?" Asuka asked. _

_"Haruhi Suzumiya," she responded more confidently. _

_"Nice name. Don't let the other girls see your weak spot. They'll string you up when they get the chance."_

_Haruhi sighed and picked up her plastic spork. She dug into the casserole and bit into it. Despite looking like a slut's crotch after a frat party, it tasted quite good. She finished it in almost no time at all and ate the flan, ignoring the bleached beans. As soon as the dessert touched her mouth, she gagged. _

_"Yeah, don't eat it," Kosaka said. "It looks good, but it tastes like rat piss. The beans are actually better." Haruhi wiped the spork on her napkin and ate a bean. It tasted bland, but Haruhi ate it anyway._

_"These are pretty good," Haruhi mumbled, although a sudden tremor in her gut caused her to temporarily halt her eating. "Oh, man... They are REALLY fighting it out in there."_

_"Yeah. They tend to not mix well with other food. Shoulda mentioned that. First time I ate them, I sounded like a tuba in my sleep," Kosaka said, cleaning her nails with a fork. Haruhi groaned and held her stomach._

_Asuka arched her eyebrows in deep thought. "Really? Weird. I just had the runs a lot." Both girls stared at the red-head. "What?"_

_"Oh, crap... WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?" Haruhi yelled, leaping up and charging through the crowd. She was nearly out of the room when a pair of thin arms wrapped around her frame. Haruhi struggled and spun around to yell at... herself? Well, it was a chick who looked just like her. Except with sharp green eyes and dark purple hair topped off with a violet headband and a ribbon. Talk about palette-swaps._

_"Who the hell are you?" Haruhi screamed at her captor._

_The girl flashed a creepy Haruhi-esque grin. "The name is Yuri Nakamura. And you, my spunky little friend... ARE NOW MY NEW BITCH!"_

_Haruhi flailed and attempted to escape, however, when a strong, horny girl wanted sex, you were screwed. Literally. _

_Haruhi shuddered. "Let me go, I can't take it anymore!" _

_Yuri laughed insanely. "Not a chance, sweetie. Come here!" She dragged the tsundere to a dark corner and stripped off her own orange prison jumpsuit. Before she could rape Haruhi, a cracking sound rang through the area. The source? Taiga had broken a broom handle and held the splintered end toward Yuri. _

_"And what do you think YOU'RE doing?" Taiga asked with a scowl. _

_"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Just getting to know one of our new friends!" Yuri said enthusiastically, grabbing Haruhi in a super creepy hug, made eerie in the fact that she was clad in nothing but a bra and panties, while Haruhi was in a skimpy bunny-girl outfit. You fanboys can start masturbating now._

_"Yuri, step away from the new inmate before I rape YOU with this broom handle!" the Palmtop Tiger warned._

_"Oh, come on! I'm not a threat to anyone at all!"_

_"THIS COMING FROM THE CHICK WHO CLAIMS SHE SAW __**GOD **__IN A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH AND WENT ON A RAMPAGE WHEN NO ONE BELIEVED HER!"_

_"...Bye!" Yuri scuttled off in terror. Taiga helped up Haruhi from the floor._

_"Thank the heavens you came! I was about to be someone's Mikuru for a change!" Haruhi said with a grimace._

_"No problem. I used to do this when Minori tried to rape Ryuji."_

_"...Okay. Hey, where's the bathroom? I REALLY need one! I got a delivery to make!"_

_Upon hearing the word 'bathroom', Taiga's beaming face became one of horror. So did Kosaka's and Asuka's. Haruhi knew this did not bode well.  
_ _  
__"Uh... the bathrooms here aren't exactly-" _

_"I don't care if it's Lucifer's grave, WHERE IS THE FUCKING SHITTER?" _

_"Down the hall and to the left." Kosaka pointed over in the right direction. Haruhi made a mad dash to the bathroom. Several pained screams and wrenching noises ensued from in there a minute later. _

_"God help her..." Asuka said solemnly._

_Haruhi had managed to find the bathroom and was washing her hands in the water. "God damn it, why didn't they tell me that the place would overflow? Well, at least it all came out of my attic and not my basement..."_

_"Perhaps you should have asked me before you lost half your body weight," drawled a sultry voice. Haruhi spun around just in time for a pale girl with long black hair, white skin, and deep red eyes to place her hands on her shoulders. _

_"Who are you? And how long have you been here?" Haruhi asked, incredibly disturbed that this chick hadn't been here a moment ago._

_The girl (who looked like a distant cousin of Kuyou Suou with shorter hair) chuckled darkly. "The name is Ai Enma. Better known in a few circles as the __**Hell Girl**__."_

_Haruhi blinked only once, before she smirked at the smaller female. "Is that so? Well, guess what? I'm God!" _

_Ai's smile turned into a full-on grin. "I see. Well, FYI... I'm technically the Devil!" And as Ai's hands slid down a tad lower, she added, "...And you are about to be my new toy."_

_"NOOOOOOOO...Wait. How did YOU end up in jail?" Haruhi figured she ought to try and make sense of the scenario. _

_"Oh. Some tax fraud. I live in the Underworld. Why should I have to pay taxes? Those loan-sharks can all just suck it!"_

_"That... is kinda stupid."_

_"Tell me about it, honey. ...Now spread 'em'."_

_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

_****End of Daydream Sequence****_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Haruhi howled in the middle of the room suddenly. When she opened her eyes, she noticed that EVERYONE was now staring at her.

"Errr, you okay?" asked Itsuki, now coming around.

"Oh, fine! I just had a blood-curdling dream sequence. No need to worry about me..." Haruhi said sarcastically.

"Oh. Okay," Kyon smiled, right before Haruhi kicked him in the groin.

"No, mom! Don't do that! I won't be born!" Takeo screamed.

"Me, neither, you bitch!" Asami screeched.

Both time-travelers flickered like the static on a bad T.V. connection before becoming solid again. They sighed in relief. Meanwhile, Mirai giggled evilly, rubbing her hands together as she plotted to smash Kyon's testicles with a large mallet once this whole trial was over with.

"You didn't let me finish," Belome said snobbishly, interrupting the madness. "You'll only be sent to jail for a total of seven weeks on the desolate hell of... MONKEY ISLAND! If the jury finds you to be guilty, that is."

"Oh? I see! I can tough it out for a month and a half! Bring it!" Haruhi crowed.

"Yes. Seven weeks. But for every morning that arises, you'll have to be faced with a fate worse than death, you rube!" Belome grinned, spilling drool on his robe.

Haruhi cocked an eyebrow, "And what would that be? Being forced to watch New Moon on an endless loop?"

"ZING!" said Patricia Martin.

Ultros sloshed up. "Awesome quip, but no! We have something LESS painful and inconvenient picked out, you cur! Bring out the imported you-know-what, Mr. Chupon!"

Nodding, Chupon floated into the backroom. Within seconds, he returned, wheeling a large wooden crate on a dolly. Setting it in the middle of the room, Chupon rapped onto the box just as a sharp, silver beak burst through the lid. Within moments, a large metal bird the size of Kyon tore itself free from the box. It had red and black katanas for wings, a Taniguchi-esque horn on top of its head, yellow eyes, and nasty looking teeth and claws.

Itsuki gasped. "Oh, my goodness! A Magikarp!"

Mori then bonked him on the back of the skull with her fist. "That's a Skarmory, you shroom-sniffing buffoon!"

And to everyone's surprise, the Skarmory opened its mouth... and did a SHOOP DA WHOOP.

Nah, I'm kidding. It talked.

"Ummmm, hey, everyone. My name is Skarmory. I'm a Flying and Steel type Pokémon, I live near a volcano, my friends called me Mory, but you can call me Skar. It's a real an honor to have been selected as the eventual torturer of Haruhi Suzumiya." With that out of the way, the male Skarmory (who shall just be referred to as Skar from now on) extended a wing-blade out towards the bisexual goddess. "Hey, there. Nice to meet you. So no hard feelings, huh? Nothing personal, though. I just got a thing for organ meats."

"Organ meats?" Tsuruya asked, paling a bit.

Ultros shrugged his purple shoulders. "Don't you know the Prometheus myth? He had an eagle peck out his liver for all eternity. Skar here will peck out and eat Haruhi's pancreas every morning, only for her power to regenerate it back every evening for tomorrow. Simple, no? Personally, I was leaning towards your punishment involving a trip wire and an anvil. But there was also the possibility of painting a solid wall like a tunnel and have you run into it."

Haruhi's following reaction was quite understandable.

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

Skar shook his head in a toothy grin. "Yep. For the next seven weeks, I get to dip my beak into your smooth stomach, peel the skin off, sever all the tendons of your abdomen, and then chow down on the pancreas of a beautiful goddess. Then you get to do whatever the fuck you want in pain for the rest of the day. If you don't pass out from blood loss or shock at the end of the seven weeks, you can enter EMI's new game show: "I Got Screwed In Court and Want My Money Back!". Or you can just live with the alarm of having your pancreas torn out without painkillers."

"That's disgusting! I may not like Suzumiya, but that is cold!" Norio shouted.

"Who asked you, freak?" Ultros growled, forgetting that a giant, purple, talking octopus is a freak itself.

"Screw you, Ultros! You're nothing but a meme!" Norio taunted, smirking haughtily.

Ultros became very livid. "A MEME? How dare you, you worthless figment of imagination! I am more than a meme! I am a loveable miniboss that actually slaughtered players the first time they met me! I will Confuse Level Three your ass!"

"...Sorry?" Norio said unsurely, reclining back in his seat.

"Wait a minute? How did that Skarmory get here so fast?" Itsuki asked, slowly coming out of his high.

"_It was air-lifted at an exceedingly fast rate,_" Chupon answered.

"A delivery. Just like Mr. Chupon said," Ultros translated.

Itsuki blinked before narrowing his eyes. "How could you have ordered it? The judge JUST changed the punishment."

"Yeah. Koizumi has a point," agreed Kyon. "And how did you even earn the right to pick Haruhi's punishment? The prosecution can't do that, Ultros!"

"Y-Yeah! What Kyon said, nyoro!" Tsuruya added, not wanting her status as a lawyer upstaged.

"Once again, your attempts to make any logical sense out of this situation confuse me! I am going to ignore all of you now," Ultros said, now blocking out all of the shouting by humming his battle theme.

"Look, I don't care who said what or who did what, I just want a nice, thick, slab of pancreas. I am So sick of Wurmples..." Skar murmured, heading towards the box he had arrived in. The large bird hopped to the side and peered in. Sticking his head inside, he pulled out a small, white, top-shaped object. Smiling, Skar placed it in his left claw.

"What is that?" TSCP asked from the back, unable to make out the item.

Emiri stared hard at the thingie and cocked her head in bemusement. "It's a clove of garlic."

"A WHAT?" Haruhi yelled, spinning to look at Emiri.

"Okay, this is just plain crazy! _YOU'RE_ going to _EAT_ my _DAUGHTER'S_ _PANCREAS_... with a clove of _GARLIC!_" Oruki screamed out, shaking a fist.

"Hey, hey, hey, pops, I need the roughage!" Skar bitterly replied.

Oruki was incensed, but a small, feminine hand grasped his shoulder. "Come on now, deep breaths and imagine someplace else, just like what the anger management class taught you..." the always loveable Naru chirped.

Oruki breathed in and out. "I am not in a court room where my daughter is gonna have her pancreas ripped from her. I'm in a field filled with deer..."

Skar smirked. "So these deer... do they have pancreases?"

"ALRIGHT, THAT TEARS IT!" Oruki grabbed the naginata he'd thrown at Kyon prior to this occasion and tossed it at Skar's head. It might as well have been made of tin foil and duct tape. The thing shattered on impact like a plate that fell from a countertop. Skar blinked once. Twice.

"Uh... ow? Was that supposed to hurt me or something?" Skar deadpanned.

Naru grabbed Oruki's shoulders just before he split open his knuckles on Skar's face. "Count Pi like the class told you!"

Oruki breathed in. "Okay... 3.1415926..." he mumbled, trailing off.

Haruhi turned to her left leg. "It's okay, pancreas. You're safe for now," she said soothingly. At this display, Norio, Murkuro, Asami, and Kyouko began to laugh hard.

Kyon tapped Haruhi on the shoulder. "Uh, Haruhi, your pancreas isn't in your leg. Did you even pay attention to what that bird said before?"

Haruhi was confused. "Eh? Not really. Then where is my pancreas then?"

Kyon's hands travelled to the bottom of her shirt and slowly picked it up. Haruhi was blushing the whole time, Naru cooed, and Oruki was about 265 numbers into Pi by that time. Kyon stopped before her bra was revealed and pointed to a spot on her abdomen.

"THAT is where your pancreas is," Kyon stated, lowering the clothing.

Haruhi's face was comparable to Jack Skellington for a minute: large eyes, a flat mouth, and white as hell. "... WHAT. THE. FUCK?" Haruhi roared.

"Hey, hey, don't go bad-mouthing the punishment that's been picked out for you!" Ultros chastised. "It'll teach you some manners. If you don't act like a upstanding citizen, Miss Suzumiya, you'll be commitin' adultery, praisin' the Devil, makin' false bank accounts, trollin' the fandom more, and eatin' da poo poo. It's all standard stuff to understand."

"...Huh? What did he mean by all of that?" asked Murkuro to himself.

"Does anyone know what he meant by 'eatin' da poo-poo'?" Norio inquired to everyone nearby.

"Oh, it's just some gay rights and political humor. You wouldn't understand it," Sasaki said compassionately, fluttering her eyelashes.

Norio set his face in a hard line. "Gee. No wonder all of the fandom thinks you're a creepy freak."

"Huh?" said the anti-Haruhi.

Unable to take any more zaniness, poor Haruhi passed out with the dramatic neck-fold and hand-over-forehead technique... well tried to. She swooned over and stood up again.

"Huh. I tried to faint and didn't. Weird. Anyways... Damn it, Tsuruya, I need a minute to think! And a juice-box! Do something!" Haruhi snapped at her lawyer. Arakawa immediately pulled some Tropical Fruity-Tooty Punch boxes from out of nowhere and handed them out like the butler-type he was portraying.

"...Recess, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked.

"Aw, what the hell. I'll allow it," Belome sighed, clacking his gavel. "Fifteen minute recess!"

"WOO HOO!" Tsuruya began to jump-rope as she sipped her juice with Haruhi, Ultros and Chupon played on a slide, the minor courtroom characters played handball, Itsuki, Kyon, and the espers began to play dodgeball, Skar sharpened his beak on a grinding stone, Belome nibbled on his mallet, the OC jury went to play an epic hopscotch game, and Mikuru walked over to the restroom.

"Hey, look! The animal rides!" Mirai Nagato chirped, as she scurried over to the playground structures that had appeared out of thin air. Following in suit, Takeo Suzumiya and Asami Asahina went along with their half-data-sister and continued along. Takeo himself was playing another round of Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker on his PSP, mumbling something about a long, intricate, almost absurdly detailed cut-scene to which he started to get annoyed with. Asami ,on the other hand, was looking in a small pocket mirror, adjusting her makeup, her hair, and even the tilt of her glasses to be just so. However, as she was adjusting some eyeliner, a distinct, loud, alerting noise which caused her to jump. In doing so, Asami accidentally made a mark just above her eye.

"What the hell?" Asami cried out, furiously rubbing the makeup off of the undesirable spot. She quickly turned around and pointed accusingly at Takeo. "You! You distracted me, and I messed you my makeup! I bet this is because I'm Mikuru's daughter, isn't it? You can't accept the fact that Kyon left that psycho bitch in exchange for someone who truly deserves his heart! Is that it?" Asami cried out.

After a large exclamation point faded above Takeo head, he attempted to compose himself. "You know, technically Kyon never left anyone. Strange, because you're the time-traveler's daughter, and yet you can't grasp that we happen to exist from alternate time planes respectively. Maybe even alternate dimensions that happened to collide, depending on your point of view. It's such a strange and fascinating concept really, to exist in-"

"Have you been hanging around that Sailor Pothead pedophile, Itsuki? I think his philosophical crap rubbed on you," Asami snorted.

"Oh, HELL NO! Do NOT compare me to him... I am in no way to be likened to him!" Takeo shouted. In the midst of his outburst, he took notice of Mirai, who was bouncing on a small playground pony, licking a lollipop the size of her head, and Asami, still fuming about how she would need to start over her makeup.

"Well, at least thank god we haven't met Kyon and Itsuki's child... God knows what the hell the yaoi fangirls would come up with..." Takeo mused with morbid inquisitiveness.

"Indeed. Just thinking about it now gives me the chills..." Asami gagged, actually agreeing with her rival/relative.

"Whee~!" Mirai squealed happily.

**Somewhere In An Alternate Dimension/Time-plane...**

"Dad! Dad! I'm home!" cried out Itsukyon as he came home from school.

"Hello, my son!" Itsuki cried out flamboyantly, clad in a frilly, pink apron and maid's bonnet... and nothing else. "I spent most of the day slaving over a hot stove, in the NUDE I might add, and I'm so glad you're home!"

Walking past the mistake of nature that was their son, was Kyon himself. "Honey, I'm home!" he said as he came walking in a clean business jacket and tie... and a zebra-print Speedo.

"Oh, darling!" Itsuki cried out, kissing Kyon passionately in the lips. "I've missed you, so! It's been so long since we've made love! Take me now, you manly steed!"

"Hell yeah, my gay hubby!"

Both homosexuals then had sick, hawt, sexy, yaoi, sweaty butt-sex on the spot that was enough to make all the yaoi fangirls gasp and faint in pure awe and happiness. While both his fathers screwed, Itsukyon sneezed loudly. Wiping off the snot from his nose, he stood contemplating.

"What happened, son?" Kyon asked in mid-screwing.

"I dunno..." said the impossibly generated human. "But I think someone was talking about me somewhere..."

**Meanwhile In This Dimension**...

While Mirai continued to bob up and around on the playground pony, Takeo and Asami humored her by getting on similar rides (though the former was still shuddering about the existence of a gay, parallel universe filled with surprise butt-sex at every turn). Takeo rode on a dragon ride, while Asami rode on a ladybug. The three odd siblings, continued to bob up and down along the rides, trying to waste time until the recess was over.

"I still think it's nice to finally have a big brother and big sister now!" Mirai happily said (despite plotting against them earlier), still licking her ridiculously-sized, novelty lollipop. While her large, innocent eyes wandered toward her half-siblings, she was distraught when they both ignored her, and actually took the time to conveniently start an argument.

"Seriously, you're never really going to girlfriend if you just stay playing those games all your life," Asami mused, noticing Takeo playing his PSP from the corner of her pocket mirror.

Takeo ignored her as he continued mashing buttons. "Damn it, you noob... You're gonna get us both killed..." A few more moments passed before a game over message popped up. "Snake? Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAKE!" he shouted simultaneously with the annoying characters who continually shouted out the name synonymous with a reptile. "Oh, what was that?"

"Ugh... you're hopeless... Just as hopeless as your mother in this case..." Asami moaned.

"Yo, what did you say about my mama?" Takeo retorted, putting down his game, and a certain glimmer of fire in his eyes.

"I said that your mother-"

"Hey, yo mama's so clumsy, she got tangled up in a cordless phone!" Takeo retorted.

"Oh, here we go again..." Asami said, trying to think of jokes. "Yo mama is so stupid, it took her two hours to watch Sixty Minutes!"

"Damn it, that show uses to many big wor- I mean, yo mama is like a Chewing-Gum Machine: five cents per blow!"

"Yo mama like a television - even a 2 year old can turn her on!"

Mirai's eyes opened in fright, and even Takeo was left stammering.

"Damn it, just because Haruhi was left to babysit that- erm... Yo mama's so cheap, some guy paid a penny for sex and she asked for change!

"Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for five days for a urine test! And failed!"

Takeo opened his mouth, though he was running out of good ideas. Due to his delayed reaction time, Asami triumphantly proclaimed herself the victor. Grumbling at how anticlimactically he lost (and how oddly true most of Asami's yo mama jokes were), Takeo kicked the side of Asami's ride when she wasn't looking. However, due to the rusted and weak metal spring supporting it, the whole ladybug broke off and fell, with Asami with it.

"Hah, look what you did, chubs! You broke it!"

Asami turned red hot, her face barely containing anger. "I... I'm not fat!"

"Oh, then I'm really sorry. All the weight must be going toward your boobs," Takeo said mockingly. The son of God looked somewhat triumphant in return when he noticed a rather saddened look on Asami's face.

"My boobs cause a lot more problems than you'd think... to have this nice perfection just weighing down on your chest, bearing the fruits of so many problems that people can't accept you normally... Don't you know what that feels like?" Asami cried out.

"Um... I don't... Because first off, I'm a guy, and I-"

"Well, you should have more sympathy... it isn't easy being a girl and being beautiful..."

"Oh, shut up! You're so full of it!"

"Oh, look, Sasaki! An out-of-place family is squabbling together! Let's watch!" Kyouko pointed out to her friends as they lingered around near the stands, because as villains, the Anti-SOS did not play silly games.

"Oh, what fun. I do so enjoy seeing families claw out each other's throats and split up!" Fujiwara said with an unnerving amount of giddiness. "Makes me feel better about myself."

"_Anger and hate_sustains_me..._" Kuyou droned, licking her lips like the Emotion-Eater the author thinks she is.

"Erm, thanks, but no thanks, guys," Sasaki said. "Watching families fall apart isn't one of my favorite pastimes."

"But it's so much fun! If we're lucky, they just might kill each other! Wouldn't that be a hoot?" Kyouko grinned sadistically, latching onto Sasaki's shoulder like a prissy leech.

"Kyouko..." Sasaki said slowly.

"Yes?"

"Please let go of me."

"Never!"

There was silence, right before Sasaki snatched a passing handball that had been thrown too far from its game, and smacked it right into Kyouko's jaw. The esper let go and began grabbing at her injured maw in anguish.

"OWWWED! I DINK I BID MAH KUNG!" Kyouko yelled, grabbing an ice-cube out of the nearest water pitcher to weaken the pain.

"_Fujiwara,_how did you_avoid being_sent to prison?_Didn't you commit_various offenses?_" Kuyou asked her evil cohort.

"Quite simple, my dear denizen from Uncanny Valley," Fujiwara answered with a smirk. "There's a loophole with the law concerning characters like us. We're _light novel_ characters. We can do basically anything until we get animated. Most other book characters obey the law, but I'm just an asshole. Why do you ask?"

"_Oh, nothing..._" Kuyou replied with a malicious grin as she turned away, a crime-wave already formulating in her toxic mind...

"Takeo! Asami! I think you two need to calm down a bit! It's not right that we're all just fighting! Can't we all just get along? YOU'RE TEARING US APART!" Mirai interjected, coming between the two arguers to stop the fighting. Asami and Takeo both looked at each other briefly, then nodded.

Simultaneously, they said: "Yo mama is like a carpenter's dream: flat as a board, and so easy to nail!"

Mirai looked wide-eyed, and almost teary-eyed, too, and the older-siblings couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt when they looked at the data-child's watery, amber eyes.

"Y-You... suck!" she choked out.

"That's the best you can come up with?" Takeo said, though he quickly wanted to smack himself for even mentioning a single thing to such an innocent girl. "Okay, I deserve that..."

"You... You suck! And my mommy is the best! Your mommies suck so bad, they were fired from blow-jobs!" Mirai cried out. With that, Mirai jumped off of her pony ride and started weeping all the way back to her jury seat so she could curl up in the fetal-position. Takeo and Asami were left speechless.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" Asami yelled at Takeo, who couldn't help but cringe. "I think you're in deep shit," she continued.

"Yeah... I can kick ass all right, but Nagato? She's... well, I'm going to get my ass kicked, no doubt about that."

"Heh heh. Yeah."

"... If she asks, I'll say you started it. Bye!"

"Sure, that sounds- WHAT? YOU WEASEL!"

While her daughter was yelling her head off and chasing her backstabber of a sibling, Mikuru was in a bit of a pickle at locating a bathroom. "Man, those tacos are NOT sitting right..." Mikuru said to herself in growing discomfort. A cold, pale hand grabbed her shoulder.

"DEAATH!" Mikuru yelped.

"No, stupid. It's me, Yuki Nagato," Yuki said in her monotone voice.

"DEAAAAATH! Oh. Sorry, Miss Nagato. I'll be a minute, I need to go to the bathroom and I can't find one and..." Mikuru said. Yuki, however, dragged her to follow the previously fleeing form of Doakes, who had gone through the narrow hallway to the left of Belome's stand minutes ago.

"It will have to wait. We're going to follow that dude in the armor," Yuki whispered.

"What's going on? And why do you keep switching from a bookworm persona to a scary black man persona?"

"I performed a scan on this structure before we came inside and here's only one entrance and exit in total. Doakes didn't go in the direction of the entrance- he made for the back. Something about that brutha ain't sitting right with me..."

"... Is there a potty in that direction?" Mikuru cutely asked. Yuki rolled her eyes and pulled the mascot along.

Had the twosome had listened close enough, they would have heard Chupon and Ultros counting the gil that was supposed to go to the jury and court. You see, Ultros pulled a huge scam. By making the jury and court sign special waivers, they waived the right to be paid. Saying that in tiny print and putting it on a form diagonally tends to do that to people. So Ultros was being paid 48,000,000 gil (he pulled the roll of tape-line out of his inky ass), Chupon simply wanted to be paid in purchased animal-flesh, and Doakes didn't give two shits what illegal business went on in the courtroom unless he got his Rupees. Belome just wanted an all-you-can-eat ticket to the Home Town Buffet.

Yuki and Mikuru tip-toed down the dimly-lit corridor. Tip-toed is used loosely, since Mikuru kept making rumbling sounds in her lower abdomen and Yuki walked like a gorilla. Doors lined either side of the hall way so it was hard to know which way Doakes had gone. The end of the hall curled to the right. It was quite dark back there. The flickering lights didn't help at all.

"Let's try there, Miss Asahina," Yuki said, only to see Mikuru already hobbling ahead of her towards a door marked 'Custodians Only'. "Where are you going?"

Mikuru spun around, a strained expression on her face. "Nagato, I have been holding in a demon for four hours now, including the time we spent here! I'll meet up with you in a bit! I NEED TO GO!" Mikuru nearly ripped the door off the hinges and a wave of relief washed over her as she peered inside. "Yes! A working bathroom! Sanctuary~!"

Yuki sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose as Mikuru slammed the door shut to do her business. Continuing her trek, Yuki heard a loud voice at the end of the hall. It was followed by another voice that sounded like a loud trumpeting. The alien rounded the corner and approached a padlocked door. It practically screamed 'OPEN ME!'. Unable to resist the urge (Yuki had a fetish for breaking into rooms she wasn't supposed to), she used a spell to undo the latch and pop inside.

It was a filthy and dark room filled with movie-making machines, papers, and Christmas decorations. Shutting the door behind her and taking shelter behind an overturned bookcase, Yuki spied the huge figure of Doakes leaning against a wall. He was speaking to a grey creature sitting on the floor. It had floppy ears, three black hairs on its head, pink toenails, cute, little, chibi eyes, a long nose...

"Holy shit, it's an elephant," Yuki deadpanned to herself. Yes, it was indeed some sort of elephant-like creature. It was about the size of Belome and only had two stumpy legs. A short tail with an adorable tuft of yellow hair decorated its rear, while the trunk was fishing around in a bag filled with peanuts. Yuki thought she was drunk at first, but if that were true, the elephant should have been pink.

Still pretty damn weird and random.

"I tell ya, Stampy, you were such a big help with this whole deal," Doakes said in a proud voice, popping a peanut into an open slit in his helmet.

"Phan Phan," the elephant said in a girlish cutesy voice.

"Huh?" said the confused knight.

"Phan Phan. Not Stampy. And, yeah. Tell Ultros thanks for all of this pay," Phan Phan replied, eating another handful of peanuts. "This is a really sweet gig. I was so sick of digging around for food in Yogurt Yard."

"Hey, Phan- mind if call ya Phan? Anyways, why is it that every area in Kirby has a food-related name half the time? I don't get it."

"I don't know either. I'll let ya know if I do."

"Cool."

"C'mon, say something incriminating..." Yuki said, shuffling a bit closer to the duo on her knees. She could now see that the two were watching My Neighbor Totoro.

"I'll admit it, Phan, I didn't think you were gonna be able to keep all that fake evidence on that Suzumiya brat," Doakes casually said.

Phan Phan snorted. "It helps when you have a working computer, downloaded episodes of her show, a gullible audience, and aerial photography help." "Huh? Aerial... You mean that Skarmory? He's in on this? He's not even a miniboss. What's his story?"

Phan Phan shrugged. "I think Ultros may have had something to do with his involvement when he said that pancreas tasted like Pokéblocks."

"...That's nasty. Anyways, where'd you put that copy of the evidence? Ultros told me to get rid of it."

"On the table..." Phan Phan drawled, watching as two little girls prepared to go on the adventure of a lifetime. Smirking at the fortune fact that villains always tend to think out loud, Yuki cast another spell to fill the T.V. with static.

"Awwww, come on! They just got on the cat-bus! What the hell?" Phan Phan whined.

"Ehhh, go check the antenna. It's hooked up in the next room. I need a drink from all those peanuts. Be back in a bit," Doakes offered, walking past Yuki's spot. Phan Phan groaned and tromped into the next room, shutting the door after herself.

Locking the door after the Kirby enemy, Yuki began her search. "Time to go looting~!" she said happily.

Although she knew where a piece of crucial evidence was, Yuki guessed that the villains knew of her being in the room and simply placed the folder as a trap. Acting on this suspicion, she began to look around for something, taking extra care to put things back exactly where they were before. After a brief examination of the room and finding nothing more than a gun, a copy of "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence", a VERY nasty doujin featuring herself, Haruhi, and Mikuru as sex slaves to Taniguchi and Itsuki, and 114,000 in American dollars, Yuki finally investigated the folder. The words "PROPERTY OF ULTROS - KEEP THE FUCK OUT, BITCH!" were printed on the folder in bold red ink.

Opening the folder, Yuki skimmed through it and found several pieces of paper, with the occasional Polaroid picture in the works. Staring hard at one photo in particular, Yuki realized how Ultros had fooled everyone (aside from the poorly-made movie). Suddenly, the door's rusty hinges squeaked open, and Yuki dropped the folder and hid in the corner. A figure stepped into the room and... sighed?

"OH, MAN! THAT WAS AN ORDEAL!" Mikuru exclaimed in a very un-ladylike manner.

"Miss Asahina." Yuki jumped out and ran up to her friend.

"Eh? What's going on? Do I still smell? I washed a lot!"

"No, I just found crucial evidence. We need to-"

_BANG!_ The door tightly slammed shut behind Mikuru with a click.

"... How did you get in here?" Yuki questioned, looking around to see if anyone was in the room.

"Well, I saw the lock, so I just rubbed ice on my nipples until they cut the lock open~!" Mikuru chirped.

"... Good for you..." Yuki sighed. "Now can you cut through THIS door?"

"Sorry, Nagato. Not unless you have some ice..."

"Oh, for Heaven's Gate!" Yuki mumbled her reference to the UFO cult out and started clawing at the door before the second door squeaked open as another being entered the room.

It was none other than...

"Oops! My mistake! I'll just be going now..." said Kyonko, quickly shutting the door behind her and jumping into a conveniently-placed plot-hole.

"Was... Was that Kyon as a girl?" Mikuru asked in a dumbfounded manner.

"I believe so," Yuki answered, her eyes glowing. "I'd still do him."

"Ehh? Nagato!" Mikuru screeched.

"Oh, what? Like you wouldn't do him either." Yuki rolled her eyes at her busty friend.

"Not that!" Mikuru pointed at a black mass that had just appeared on the pervy interface's shoulder. "I mean that bat on your shoulder!"

Yuki slowly turned her head to face her shoulder. There was indeed a red-eyed bat perched on her. It looked more like a winged-rat mixed with an umbrella. Scrunching up her nose, Yuki flicked it off. Another one swooped past her head. One flew past Mikuru's face. Before the two girls knew it, the air around them was filled with bats. Oddly, one of them was silver.

"This place needs an exterminator," Yuki commented dryly.

"Where did all the bats come from?" Mikuru fearfully asked.

Suddenly, all the bats swarmed together around the silver bat as a huge black cloud. The cloud grew limbs, became a solid shape, and finally became...

"SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKAS!" Doakes cackled maliciously, proud to have showed off his mad magical skillz.

"How'd you do that?" Mikuru asked, hiding behind Yuki.

Doakes smirked under his scary helmet. "Link's Crossbow Training, my lady friends! Now if you'll kindly excuse me..." he extended his gloved hand towards Yuki, "I'll be taking THAT file you just grabbed!"

Yuki looked Doakes right in the face and said... "No, cracka."

"What? C'mon! Be a pal."

"No."

"Oh, please?"

"No."

"Awwww, man! This sucks. I guess I'll just- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! I don't have to take this crap! It'll be more simple and MORE fun to pry that file out of your cold, dead hands! Without your reality haxx, you're nothing!"

"Oh, really now? I opened that door easily enough. My data-powers are still working just fine. It's only for the case itself that I can't use them to influence anything. Face it, pal, your boss's little extortion plan is ruined," Yuki answered with a dangerous tone in her voice.

"Au contraire!" Doakes snickered, waving a finger as though Yuki were only five. "Your powers are restricted to only small-time tricks. You might be fast, but you still can't just go around creating weapons out of thin air or blowing shit up on a whim anymore!"

Yuki smirked at Doakes for a bit before the abundance of info hit her like a ton of bricks. "...Drat."

"But wait! You can't kill us! Think of what the jury will say!" Mikuru stated quickly.

"Oh, please. After what we've seen today, the people will think that Haruhi sent you two to snoop around to make Ultros look bad!" Doakes snarled, taking out a weapon- a REALLY mean-looking sword. Before Doakes could jam the blade of his large sword into Yuki's chest, a cheery voice rang out.

"Yo, Doakes! I got you a Mr. Pibb, since they were out of Diet Dr. Berry Vanilla Chocolate Rockstar Energy Pepper. Huh? Who are these two?" Phan Phan questioned, carbonated beverages held in her trunk.

Doakes frowned, Yuki breathed in relaxation at the interruption, and what did Mikuru do?

"SO CUTE~! I WANNA KEEP IT~! I.. MUST... HAVE..." She hugged Phan Phan and went all Rena on her. And I DON'T mean hacking the poor creature to death with a farming tool. "Aww~! I'M TAKING YOU HOME!"

Yuki smacked the moe on the head with her fist, a la Mio and Ritsu from K-ON!. "Oww!"

"Get a grip," Yuki deadpanned.

"Enough random jokes! Chesty! Flatsy! I am going to ice you two!" Doakes roared, ready to strike. "Phan Phan, you might wanna stand back. I don't want to get any eyes and teeth on you."

"If I'm not mistaken, that appears to be an eighteenth century Gerudo broadsword," Yuki observed, gesturing at Doakes' weapon with her pointed left index finger.

"Yes, little one," replied Doakes in his creepy, deep voice. "A fine model for the finest warriors of darkness... and crafted using only the flesh of the best and healthiest African-Americans."

Mikuru's jaw fell off her face, Phan Phan blinked in morbid fascination, and the normally stoic Yuki's eyes widened until they were the size of a submarine's windows.

"Holy shit... That's... I don't even know what to say. I may not be able to show my emotions correctly, due to my character development in the series up to this point, but that is absolutely the most horrible thing I have ever heard," Yuki said in a dumbfounded voice, before she cracked her knuckles. "I am going to enjoy making you my bitch for the next few minutes."

"I see," responded Doakes. "Well, you can try. I hope you have enjoyed looking at all the fan art your fans have made of you in the last few years, because it's going to be_... your last time on the web!"_ He threw his sword at Yuki, the weapon spinning through the air like a boomerang.

"Cracka, please," Yuki smirked, dodging the weapon easily in a Matrix-like fashion by bending to her knees. The sword glided over belly and chest just barely missing her nose.

"Time for a pimp slap you'll never forget!" Doakes roared, rushing forward for a vicious backhand. Again, Yuki dodged, causing the black knight to smash the wall. Phan Phan picked up the sword that Doakes had thrown a second ago and handed it back.

"You can beat me. I am the greatest," Yuki gloated, grabbing a screaming Mikuru, skating around Doakes and Phan Phan's grips, and towards the door.

Doakes raised the sword to stab it into the duo. "Eat steel, you little- AAACCCKKK!"

Yuki had apparently taken the time to smash Doakes in the pickle while on the run. Doakes then fell over backwards and whined on the ground, holding his damaged manhood through his armor.

"Get them, Phan Phan!" Doakes weakly croaked.

"Do I _have _to? I mean they are running pretty damn fast," Phan Phan declared, watching Yuki and Mikuru begin to out the door and into the hall. "Can't we finish our movie? I wanna know if Satsuki and Mei will be able to see their mother again!"

"IF THEY ESCAPE, THEN THEY WILL RUIN ALL OF OUR PLANS, YOU MORON!"

"...Oh, yeah. That WOULD be bad."

With a stomp of her foot, Phan Phan unleashed a miniature shockwave that seemed to knock Mikuru and Yuki off balance for a second. But the stomp DID in fact do something a lot worse. A huge, hot pink, rotten hand with claws for fingers tore itself from out of the floor. Mikuru started wailing as the rest of the beast came up: A beefy zombie-like monster that had the head of a vampire-bat dressed in rags and roughly the size of an angry hockey-player. Four more burrowed their way from out of the floor tiles alongside their friend and snarled menacingly at Yuki and Mikuru. The purple-haired girl realized what they were against in an instant.

"It can't be... Twitards crossed over with Justin Beiber fans!" Yuki gasped in distress

"That's not what they are! Meet our Vambees! Much more effective than any teamsters for hire!" Phan Phan corrected, ready to fling a deadly _apple _at Yuki's head. The sheer terror!

"Yes! The undead are much more easier to manage!" Doakes said in a whiny voice, ambling along with his sword and now sporting a slate-colored cape for some reason. "Now give us the file!"

Staring at the trembling Mikuru, the drooling Vambees, the pissed-off Doakes, and the endearing, yet treacherous Phan Phan, Yuki realized there was only one thing she could truly do. "Cracka..."

"Y-Yes?" Mikuru said uneasily as Yuki took hold of her hand.

"...I am going to have to use you as a weapon against these motherfuckers. This might hurt a bit."

"EHH? What do you me- MISS NAGATO! DON'T SWING ME LIKE THAT!"

And thus Yuki whipped Mikuru over her head as the Vambees charged forward with their slavering jaws and...

And...

Hey, let's see how Kino, Hermes, Phoenix, and the Ryoko bunch are doing!

**Outside...**

"You know what I'm going to do after I kill you?" Ryoko asked, her head now reattached to her neck, and her glowing blade-arm clashing against Kino's knife-gun.

"What?" Kino asked nonchalantly, her weapon now grinding against Ryoko's weapon.

Ryoko laughed merrily and said, "Take your wallet!"

Kino's suddenly became one of pure anger. "NO! It was a gift from the only character in my show who can be considered fanservice!"

"AAAARRRGGGHHH!" Phoenix screamed, being chased by the other Ryokos in a little circle. Hermes was just napping on his side.

Ummmmmmm, ya know what? Let's go back to the court then...

**Inside...**

Back in the courtroom, the trial had started up once again. Belome had gotten starved after all that waiting around and was ready to easily convict Haruhi guilty after all that outrageous evidence in his kangaroo court (Skar was pretty damn happy, too, because that meant he could eat). Tsuruya, however, was unwilling to relent her stance on Haruhi's freedom.

"Your Honor," Tsuruya said, complete seriousness emanating from her, "though Haruhi may seems imperfect, who in this world really is? I'm a second-year student, yakuza princess, and heiress to a vast family fortune, but I am in no ways perfect. Despite all her flaws, Haruhi remains innocent of all her eccentricities in the hearts, minds, and spirits of her friends. Members of the jury, I present to you this slideshow of Haruhi's kindness and generosity."

Signaling to Keiichi and Yutaka, the two epsers wheeled in a projector and pointed it at the wall to the left. A series of images began to come up. It is worth noting that the entire montage that was playing was accompanied by the soundtrack of "Right Now" by Van Halen.

The first slide popped up, showing Haruhi, Kyon, Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki along with the cast of One Piece at Mt. Rushmore, dressed up as tourists. Mikuru's t-shirt read "I (heart symbol) Free Hugs".

Next up was a grinning and waving Haruhi, sitting next to a sobbing Mikuru and a sullen, stone-faced Yuki. All three girls were completely naked, covered in soapy bubbles, and wearing shower-caps, while sitting in a bathtub in the middle of a busy street.

Following that slide was a group shot of Haruhi, Kyon, TCCP, TSCP, Emiri, Imouto, Sakanaka, Nakagawa, and the head girls of K-ON! (Yui, Ritsu, Mio and Tsumugi), dressed completely in drag in front of a boarded-up theatre.

Last but not least, was an image of the SOS Brigade, the Anti-SOS Brigade, Ryoko, the main cast of kids from Toradora, and several Vocaloids flying kites in a big, grassy field... with an oncoming tornado behind them. The video then cut to a black screen with the words "The End" printed upside-down.

"Wow," said Chupon, actually in his first proper verbal sentence. "That was absolutely terrible. Err, I mean, RAWR, RAWR!"

Haruhi turned to her lawyer. "Tsuruya..." she began.

"Yes?" the oblivious cheese-lover said.

"Aside from copyright infringement, that just did a worse job at making me look better!" Haruhi roared.

"Well, there aren't any other GOOD pictures of you on the internet! Half of those were from the SOS-Dan imageboard!" Tsuruya shouted.

"The most epic super special awesome image board for Haruhi pics ever?" Mori chimed in.

"Yep!" Tsuruya said.

Kyon coughed. "Shameless promotion..." he muttered in his sleeve.

With that, Belome banged his gavel on the stand. "ORDER! Now unless you can sing "Oh, Holy Night" in French, you're going to jail! AND FYI, I have decided to ignore whatever verdict and any other evidence the jury has prepared since you are without a doubt guilty!" Belome sneered, ignoring the shocked gasps of the jury.

"..." Haruhi snapped back saucily.

"Excuse me? You're not even going to hear our verdict or look at my possible grandson's evidence?" Oruki cried out incredulously. "And after all we've been through?"

Belome shrugged his stubby arms. "Nope!"

"But that's against the rules!" Takeo said.

Asami recognized the obvious joke that had just been set up and began to pray for mercy. "Oh, sweet lord, please don't let him say those horrible- "

"SCREW THE RULES, I HAVE A BIG, RED, SEXY TONGUE!"

"Son of a bitch!" Asami swore, shaking a fist at the heavens.

"No way! I won't lets Haruhi go to jail! You'll have to takes me in, too!" Tsuruya exclaimed bravely.

Belome shrugged. "Okay, then. You can go to jail, too!"

"EHH? I didn't means it, nyoro!"

"I object to that! You can't do that in court!" protested Norio.

"I AM ABOVE THE LAW!" Belome yelled once again.

Norio sat back with a glare. "Fine. But if you do, I'll cut myself, wear tacky face-paint, get my band-mates to help me write horrible gothic poetry about how no one loves us, and sing about it in the middle of the city for the next four months."

That comment caused the semi-dozing Murkuro to become fully awake and actually cringe. Four-Eyes fought back the urge to vomit his lunch. Four months of that garbage would drive him to mass-murder of serial-killer proportions, and he wasn't even a murdering kind of person. Not only that, but even the gentle and always kind-hearted Naru seemed to be trying to hide her evident disgust through a forced smile. She also didn't want to hear Norio singing that garbage either. She'd only heard the music-lover sing in the reception area in the back before court had began, but she could tell that Norio had the eerie habit of making his voice carry around.

Ultros didn't look like he wanted that to happen either, judging by the way his jaw had fallen off. He gave a quick signal to Belome to back off with his threat. The sewer mutant gladly obliged.

"Okay, okay, okay, then! I sentence you, Haruhi Suzumiya, to eight million years of prison on Monkey Island!" Belome roared before Ultros whispered the previous punishment in his ear. "... Or whatever I last said." He banged the gavel and court was over.

"Oh, no!" Tsuruya cried.

"Oh, no!" Kyon said.

"Oh, no!" Itsuki said.

"Oh, GOD, no!" Naru said.

"Oh, no!" Oruki said.

"Oh, no!" Norio said.

"Oh, yes!" Skar said

"Oh, no!" Takeo said.

"Oh... no?" Asami said.

"Oh, no!" Mirai said.

"Oh, no!" Sasaki said.

"Oh, no!" Imouto said

"Oh, no!" Kagami said.

"Oh, no!" Mudkip said.

"Nyoro~n?" Churuya said.

_**CRASH!**_

The wall fell down as a famous meme was invoked.

"OH, YEAH~!" the Kool-Aid Man said.

"..." said everyone in court. The Kool-Aid Man sensed the awkward situation and simply stepped out the hole in the wall and walked away.

"Yay! I won! Hooray for the bad guys!" Ultros cheered, slapping Chupon a high-five before quickly adopting his gentleman-persona. "I mean... how tragic. I'll be taking my money now."

But before Ultros could make anymore stereotypical 'Hey, look at me, I'm an obvious villain!' remarks, Yuki and Mikuru entered the scene. And by entered the scene, the twosome entered by having Mikuru being thrown into the room like a javelin and into her friends. The group went down under Mikuru's weight and sprawled onto the floor. Yuki followed behind the maid, running like a gymnast. Her torn uniform was covered from head to toe in bruises, claw-marks, and green ichor. A file was tightly clutched to her chest. Behind Yuki were Doakes and Phan Phan, looking all scraped up. Doakes fell against Belome's podium in exhaustion and Phan Phan rolled like a boulder into Chupon, knocking him to the floor, and destroying the table he was sitting at. The spherical pachyderm and evil knight both lay unconscious.

"Hi, everyone...' Mikuru dizzily greeted from Kyon's lap. "We found... stuff."

Upon hearing that, Chupon and Ultros looked at each other briefly, tugged the collars of their suits with their arms, and uttered that famous "Nyaaalugh!" sound that is commonly heard from The Simpsons.

"Now, everyone..." Yuki said as politely as she could, walking to the front of the room in a business-like manner, despite all the cuts in her clothing and demon blood on her. "I think I may have found a way that can clear up all of this madness."

"...Hmmm. I think that this just _might _interfere with my pancreas-eating agenda," Skar finally said.

* * *

**A/N: What has Yuki found out to unravel Ultros' convoluted plot? Will it be enough? Why is Kyon always getting the women in fanfics? Will the fact that he is kind of a butterface ever be brought up? Why are all the OCs acting so out of character? Who gave birth to Itsukyon? Does anyone actually watch the Super Mario Brothers Super Show voluntarily? Will Haruhi be able to keep her pancreas? What kind of wood did Ultros use to keep that door locked? Will I stop asking questions? Does this dress make me look fat? Will the judge be let out of the closet? Will Emi and Hiaso return? WHY THE HELL IS THERE A SECTION ON THIS WEBSITE FOR PONG AND TETRIS?**

**...Anyways, stayed tuned for the conclusion... and boss battles! And, yes, here are the bios for the characters who showed up here: **

**Yuri Nakamra AKA Yurripe- One of the main leads of the new anime, "Angel Beats". Comes from a high school of the dead kind of place. Acts a bit and looks EXACTLY like a palette swap for Haruhi if she were in Super Smash Brothers Brawl. **

**Taiga Aisaka- Heroine lead from the anime, "Toradora", with a shortness-complex. Appears in another fic I wrote. Looks a bit like a tiger, too. RAWR. **

**Askua Langely Soryu- Red-headed female main character in the show, "Neon Genesis Evangelion". A haughty, but kind pilot who is later mind-fucked by a demonic being called an Angel. **

**...**

**SHE IS WATCHING YOU MASTERBATE! **

**Ai Enma- The anti-heroine (depending on how you look at her) of the anime, "Hell Girl". If Kuyou had red eyes and ferried people to Hell, she would look like Ai. **

**Skarmory- Flying and Steel-type Pokémon that looks like a bird-of-prey. It's feathers can be made into swords. because of its power of flight, Ground moves can't harm it. You never wanna screw with one of them. By all means, give them your sandwich! **

**Phan Phan-** **An annoying recurring miniboss in the Kirby series. It looks like an elephant head but with two legs. It will attack Kirby by rolling into him, throwing him around, or throwing apples at him which are similar to Whispy Woods' apples. When Phan Phan is defeated, Kirby may inhale it to get the Throw or Suplex ability. Though often referred to as an 'it', I decided Phan Phan to make Phan Phan female due to the rather feminine and cutesy appearance given to it. **

**Vambees- Large, pink, hunchbacked monsters with vampire-esque faces that show up as an endurance match of sorts in the game, "Brave Fencer Musashi". Very powerful due to their size and strength, as well as their apparent invincibility. Favorite hobbies include drinking blood and generally being assholes. Not big on sunlight, though, since it has the tendency to kill them. Their battle theme, "Vambee Church Battle", is fucking awesome. Give it a listen. **

**Goodbye, everyone. See you next time! **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	81. Off the Rails

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N:** **And now the ultra thrilling, totally awesomesauce conclusion of the court case arc of You Got HaruhiRolled!... **

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT! **

**So that we may bring you... The You Got HaruhiRolled! Anniversary! **

**We did it, everyone! A whole year of madness! A whole year since I made friends with the most wonderful people here! Give yourselves a round of applause! I'll wait.**

**... **

**Okay, that's enough!**

**Gonna be completely honest with you guys. I pretty much pulled the plot right out of nowhere, but was also inspired by a certain episode of The Simpsons. Contains several things I pulled right out of my ass on the spot. There's even a Charlie the Unicorn bit thrown in somewhere, but I'm too lazy to say where. But it's got a MAGICAL AMULET in it though. So, yeah. Besides a few references made to the most hilarious chapters (that I handpicked myself from the suggestions of friends), this chapter also contains:**

**A random musical**

**A pagan cookie**

**Fourth wall breaking**

**Fist fights**

**Poking **

**The Caramelldansen **

**Bananas**

**Monkeys**

**The Heartless**

**Heartless monkeys**

**Heartless ninja monkeys**

**Odd phobias **

**Bashing of character personality traits**

**Obvious movie references and internet memes**

**Rampant sex jokes**

**Rabid turkeys, rabbits, squirrels, and ducks**

**A dragon of sorts**

**Evil cake**

**A shark voiced by Samuel L. Jackson **

**And flatulence.**

**By the way, if you smile subtly or giggle at the prospect of immature jokes, you're not immature. Far from it. You just possess the ability to appreciate several kinds of humor. You know what that means?**

**YOU'RE SOPHISTICATED! :D**

**...Whatever. ENJOY THE BLATANT AND SLIGHTLY BELOW-AVERAGE HUMOR, FOLKS~! HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK!**

**Warning; Only read if you have some time on your hands. I won't be responsible if you get late for anything or turn in an assignment in late just because you ended up staring at your monitor for with a goofy expression for several minutes. I'd recommend taking a bit of a break for a few minutes to clear your head as your read. Remember, I warned you!**

**

* * *

****The Most Brilliant You Got HaruhiRolled! Chapter EVER Concocted: **

Once, there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that _everyone _died!

**THE END!**

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"What in the world was that squalid pile of anal leakage all about?" roared the voice of Ryoko Asakura, hands on her hips as she stood in the endless white void. "An entire year of senseless dribble, and that's all the reviewers get? What a rip-off!"

"I strongly agree," said the soothingly voice of Emiri Kimidori, stepping into the frame, Yuki Nagato following her. "I think that all those poor reviewers deserve something much better!"

"Indeed. All **three** of those poor souls..." Yuki said, wearing a mean-spirited smile.

All three interfaces began to laugh like uptight high school girls from a drama show. They continued to laugh even after Kuyou Suou made her appearance known from a shadowy puddle on the floor.

"Hello. What's going on, guys?" Kuyou asked curiously, quirking up a thin eyebrow.

"Oh, hee hee hee~. Hello, Miss Suou. We just laughing at a hilarious joke that..." Ryoko stopped holding her side and stared intently at Kuyou, as did Emiri and Yuki. "...Miss Suou? Did... DID YOU JUST TALK?"

Kuyou shrugged. "Well, yeah. I DID talk. I'm doing it right now. Talk, talk, talk, talk. See? It's easy. You just talked right now, too. You wanna cookie for that? I'm fresh out, so sorry." Kuyou ended that last part with a smarmy smirk.

"I think Asakura mean the part about you forming some coherent sentences just now," Yuki said, small signs of fear on her face showing as though the image of Kuyou being anything other than an Emotionless Girl terrified her to the core.

"Yes. What is with you? No line-breaks in your sentences? Facial expressions? Blinking? None of that is normal for you!" said a frightened Emiri.

"Perhaps there is more to me than meets the eye..." Kuyou said ominously, while a suspenseful swell of music roared from behind her.

"Really?" Yuki asked.

The music stopped as quickly as it had started. "Yes. That, and in... SPOILER ALERTS~! I... can talk okay in book ten of our series."

Ryoko gasped. "KUYOU SUOU! You just uttered a spoiler for our series! What about the poor readers who haven't even read the preview? You've ruined the fun for all!"

"Oh, shut the hell up, Asakura. You're not even qualified to be main antagonist material. You died in your first appearance and the one time you are able to stab Kyon, it wasn't even really you. before you know it, I'll have a much better weapon than you!" Kuyou gloated, her light novel vanity almost bigger than Mikuru's cleavage and Tsuruya's appetite combined.

"You, you, you little troll!" Ryoko roared, withdrawing her trademark combat knife. She ran towards the long-haired alien... and tripped over her own feet and stabbed herself in the heart. "...Ow."

Emiri pursed her lips, unsure of what to say. "Are... you okay, Asakura?"

"Oh, sure, Kimidori. Aside from the embarrassment of getting impaled by my _own _weapon in front of the person who is replacing me as the creepy alien villain in our series, I'm just peachy-keen~!"

"Wow," snorted Kuyou, wearing a lopsided smile. "Fail."

"**FAILURE!**" agreed the announcer from Super Smash Brothers Brawl.

"Oh, yes. Before I forget, here is the _real _chapter for "You Got HaruhiRolled!". We hope that you, the readers, will enjoy it. Thank you for all the reviews, favorites, and alerts. Have a pleasant day!" Kuyou said cheerily to the audience, bowing politely.

"Miss Suou, who are you talking to? There's no one here at all in this space, except us," Yuki informed helpfully.

"BE QUIET, NAGATO, OR ELSE I WILL HAIR-RAPE YOU, UNTIL YOU CAN TASTE SHAMPOO!"

"...Bitch."

* * *

**The Super Special Awesome Megassa Wonderful Ultra Deluxe You Got HaruhiRolled! Anniversary Special of Epicness With Extra Cheese!: **

"Okay, everyone!" Haruhi gleefully announced to the crowded Brigade clubroom, a film reel clutched in her hands. Sitting before her were the regular SOS, Imouto, Kunikida, and Emiri. "Today is the day we celebrate the anniversary of this fanfic! It's just like being happy about a hellish birthday party!"

"I can get on board with that..." Kyon drawled unenthusiastically. The room was decorated with streamers, banners, a drawing of the SOS logo that said "A WHOLE YEAR GONE BY!", and there were a few beanbags on the floor. Not only that, but there was one of those old-time movie-projectors pointed at the left wall of the room. The only other thing worth mentioning were the various boxes of cereal lined up on the table. Cartons of milk, bowls, and spoons were there as well.

"Why are you so excited, Miss Suzumiya? I thought you would be angry after what the author had done to us!" Mikuru pointed out.

"Indeed. Why would you be so happy about the work that has humiliated us over the entire world?" Itsuki asked, questioning his leader's sanity for ONCE.

"Oh, Mikuru and Koizumi... This is a day that celebrates the SOS Brigade to the entire world! The more people know about us, the more people can join!" Haruhi said confidently. "By making people laugh, we're making them learn!"

"How? Aren't the people laughing _at _us?" Yuki chimed in.

"Yeah! This story made us all look like idiots!" Imouto pointed out, while the rest of the room nodded.

"SILENCE! It's MY anniversary! Not any of yours! It's _Haruhi_Rolled! Not KyonRolled, MikuruRolled, YukiRolled, ItsukiRolled, or ImoutoRolled! My name, my party, MY rules! Everybody got that?" Haruhi fumed, an almost rabid look dancing in her eyes. Everyone nodded furiously.

Haruhi smirked. "Just the response I was looking for! ...Yes, Kunikida?"

Kunikida, who had just raised his hand, said, "What exactly are we going to do for this... get-together?"

"Well, my background-lurker," Haruhi said with a haughty air about her, "I thought that as a group, we, the SOS Brigade..."

Everyone leaned forward to hear what Haruhi Suzumiya had planned for them to do on this epically awesome day. Would they go on an adventure? Do a chapter Q&A segment? Mock famous movies from the past year?

"...SHOULD WATCH OUR FAVORITE HARUHIROLLED! MOMENTS ON A THIS MOVIE-PROJECTOR! We'll look back, reminisce, eat cereal, and act like big, fat bitches! Won't that be fun and exciting?" Haruhi finished with a big smile.

The room became deadly silent for some reason now.

"What?"

"That's what you came up with, Haruhi? That's lame. Brady Bunch Variety Hour lame," Kyon said with a smirk.

"I, too, agree. It is a very lame idea," Yuki said, looking up from her laptop, bunny-ear headphones bobbing with her head.

"Couldn't we just go on an adventure instead?" Mikuru asked meekly.

"I would very much like that as well," agreed Itsuki, wearing that shit-eating grin of his. "A new story adventure would be just the thing the readers would crave, Miss Suzumiya. Not a slideshow of our worst moments."

Haruhi gasped dramatically, like a cross between a Monty Python character and small girl that had just been presented with a sewer rat. "HOW CAN YOU ALL SAY THAT? These film-reels contain so many memories. Doesn't anyone want to see the antics of Emo Emiri?"

Kunikida, Emiri, and Imouto stared at one another before delivering their own responses.

"I'm fairly sure Miss Kimidori doesn't want to see it, as she's huddled in the corner of the room and muttering something about Marilyn Manson giving her nightmares," Kunikida said.

"Yeah! I'm still pissed at you for licking my panties after I took them off, ya pedo!" Imouto raged.

"I... Will... KILL... YOU... if I see... me... as a stereotype of an... EMO... again..." Emiri shuddered.

Haruhi frowned. "Whatever, I'm rolling the clip. Any objections can be mailed to my PO Box at the corner of "Fuck off, I'm God" street and "Get over it or I'll fry you" Avenue." To demonstrate her point, she fried an extra chair with a lightning-bolt from her eyes. "OWWWWWWWWW! THAT FUCKING HURTS! Where is everyone?"

The temporarily blind Haruhi stumbled around hunting for her associates. Taking advantage of the situation, Kyon stuck out his foot and tripped her.

"YOWCH! DAMN IT, KOIZUMI!" the pissed-off goddess roared as Kyon snickered and Itsuki huffed paint fumes from a paper bag.

"Can we just roll the clip now?" Yuki asked, setting her laptop aside for now. She'd endured Endless Eight; she could endure this.

Haruhi rubbed her eyes and pointed to the ceiling. "YES! TO THE PROJECTOR - DAMN IT, WHO PUT THIS CHAIR HERE?" Haruhi shouted as she tripped over the metal framework of the chair she had fried a second ago. "Wait a moment... WHERE ARE TSURUYA AND TANIGUCHI? WE CAN'T START THE SHOW WITHOUT THE WHOLE GANG!"

It was true. For the first time since being called into the room, the group took notice that the loveable pervert and the sexy glutton were not present. This raised a question for Kyon.

"Haruhi," Kyon called out, raising a hand. "If this is really the _whole gang_, then why isn't TSCP here along with Miss Kimidori? What about Nakagawa, Mori, TCCP, or a bunch of other people we know? How can this be the complete gang for our show?"

"Don't question my methods, slave!" Haruhi snarled. "I call the shots around here! And because I am willing to look past your idiocy for just today... Mikuru! Fang-face and Sleazy McDirtbag are missing! Get them for me! We'll have to start without them for a few minutes!"

"I think I saw them talking near the manga club half an hour ago," the semi-high Itsuki said all bishounen-like.

"Excellent work, Koizumi! Quickly, Mikuru Go and use your moe-powers and fetch those two idiots for our anniversary special! NOW, MIKURU! MUSH!"

"Eek! I'm going, I'm going!" Mikuru whined meekly, running out of the room when Haruhi produced a whip out of nowhere and began whipping it at her shapely behind.

"Why _did _you guys invite only me?" Emiri asked, looking up from her funk.

"Because unlike your boss, Kimidori, you have a pretty face! No guy would say no to your angelic little face!" Haruhi cheered. "Well, all that, and the fact that you have boobs. That's always a factor."

"Oh. That's so nice to hear from you, Miss Suzumiya!" Emiri said pleasantly, her mood brightening.

Smiling, Haruhi darkened the lights and flipped on the projector, which rolled up a clip of Emiri at the nearest Hot Topic. Imouto stared at the screen in amused horror, if such a term exists.

Emiri's good mood shriveled up in an instant as she paled visibly. "My god! I did THAT?" She motioned to the clip of her shaving her eyebrows and drawing an 'X' over each one in Sharpie.

"Yep. And you managed to shock and horrify us all," Kunikida said, using Mikuru's abandoned chair to rest his feet on. Emiri sank to her left knee and raised her right fist to the heavens, ready to curse out the author for putting her through hell and having her like it. Before this happened, the projector burst into flames for absolutely no reason at all, sending pieces of film-reel flying at the girl with the personality of a hunk of sheetrock.

"OWWW! I'M BURNING!" Emiri shouted, rolling on the floor, which only spread the flames. Haruhi stared at the girl on fire and shrugged.

"Eh, guess that's what you get for trying to break the fourth wall," Haruhi spoke, shoving the flaming projector out the window, and dragging a new one from the closet.

"Imouto!" Haruhi called. "Get the next clip!" No response. "...Imouto...?" She found the loli in the corner panting like a dog while reading the latest issue of "Smexxi Shotas".

Haruhi kicked the magazine out of her hands. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Haruhi roared.

"Reading," the loli responded, walking funny and muttering an excuse about the bathroom.

"Meh. Yo, Kyon! Roll that clip where we ripped off the Aqua Teens!" Kyon woke up from his nap, put in the film clip, and walked over to comfort the smoldering Emiri.

**With Mikuru...**

"Tsuruya? Taniguchi? You guys here?" Mikuru called out, shutting the door of the fourth room she had checked. She'd had to go through a few other rooms since it turned out the room to the Manga Club was empty. Well, at least it was better than being forced to watch Haruhi's clip-show from Hell. That, and Mikuru disliked being whipped.

"Why does SHE get to be God? I would be a much better God! I'd give everyone candy, and money, and presents, and everyone would sing about how sweet I was- Ow!" Mikuru paused in mid-rant to rub her bottom, her whip-wounds flaring up. "Geez... It's fine for her to whip me when I'm dressed as a sheep, and yet, NO ONE bats an eye when she whips me in real-life! Jerks..."

Before Mikuru could go on about how she needed some more appreciation, she heard a noise come from the door up ahead. The Calligraphy Club. It sounded like a laugh. Relieved that she had located her quarry, Mikuru gingerly stepped over to the former club she had planned to join and open the door.

"Hey, Tsuruya, Taniguchi. Miss Suzumiya is throwing another major hissy-fit, so could you two park your butts in the clubroom and watch her... clip... show..." Mikuru trailed off the moment the light from the hallway flooded the darkened room.

Tsuruya was standing near the rooms middle, with all the desks pushed to the sides. Her yellow eyes were wide with astonishment. Taniguchi was sitting on a folding chair, blinking at Mikuru in equal surprise. Perhaps the fact that Taniguchi was alone with a girl was surprising enough.

What was truly confusing about the scene, was that Tsuruya was standing in front of Taniguchi.

Stripping.

"Errrrr..." said Tsuruya, her skirt pooled around her knees and her left arm halfway through her fuku.

"Ummmmmm..." said Taniguchi, a slice of smoked-cheese in his right hand and a blue boombox playing "Sexbomb" in the other.

"OMGWTFBBQ! I'LL SEE YOU GUYS BACK AT THE CLUBROOM!" Mikuru said, backpedaling out of the room. Tsuruya and Taniguchi stared after her, blinking a bit before they faced each other.

"Ya think we should go after her?" Taniguchi spoke first.

"Eh. I guess so. Haruhi sounds megas mad," Tsuruya agreed, pulling her skirt back up.

Taniguchi, however, had other intentions. "But first, my Amazonian goddess, I have one final request."

"What?" Tsuruya asked, eyeing that cheese in Taniguchi's hand still.

"I want to touch your firm, succulent, smooth, erotic, tender... forehead!"

"Oh, fine then. You can touch it. But ONLY for thirty seconds, nyoro! I ain't some cheap whore, ya know."

"Heh heh heh... All for Tani, all for Tani..."

**Back at the Clubroom...**

"Oh! There I am with my hair all long! Don't I look super hot, guys?" Haruhi giggled, clearly enjoying her nostalgic clip-show.

"Yay," the others said in monotone.

Kyon had taken it upon himself to pour Emiri a bowl of Cocoa Puffs after she had stopped with the whole 'set on fire' deal. Turns out Emiri really liked chocolate. Currently, everyone was just trying to survive the bombardment of Haruhi's Aqua Teen Hunger Force clips by eating cereal. Yuki had Kix because she was sweet, yet bland, Kunikida was eating Lucky Charms because he had always fantasized about capturing Lucky and curbstomping the gold coins out of him, Haruhi has set aside a bowl of Apple Jacks to gorge on in a bit, Kyon was a snarky asshole, so he wasn't eating any cereal, Itsuki was gobbling up some Froot Loops because as we all know, Froot Loops is nothing but gay Cheerios, and Imouto had come back from... a-hem... _cleaning _up in the restroom and was eating some tasty Trix. Because Trix is for kids~!

Just before Haruhi could show her attractive locks being sliced off by the Mikuru Beam in the clip, Mikuru herself burst into the room; panting, sweating, and blushing heavily.

"Hey, Mikuru! I thought I told you to bring Tsuruya and Taniguchi back!" Haruhi yelled, disappointed.

"I DIDN'T SEE TSURUYA ABOUT TO DO THE NASTY WITH TANIGUCHI!" Mikuru squealed, her hands quickly covering her mouth. Half of the cereal-eaters did a spit-take.

Itsuki's Fruit Loops flew across the room in a flood of germs and milk, while Kunikida's Lucky Charms went down the wrong pipe and made the lesser-known character start choking. Yuki and Emiri simply shuddered as their food went back in the bowl. Kyon dropped his jaw in shock and Imouto didn't know what was going on.

"Whatcha talking 'bout, Asahina- bitch?" Yuki asked in her scary black man abridged voice.

"Eh... Eh... I CAN'T SAY!" Mikuru whined.

"Spit it out, cracka," Yuki went on. Just then, the door squeaked open and two characters stepped in.

Tsuruya's skirt was improperly pulled back up, and her creamy thighs and pink underwear were still slightly visible. Fanboys, wait until the chapter is over to do... whatever it is. Taniguchi had a perverted smirk on his face as he stared at his hand.

_I will NEVER wash this hand again..._ the pervert thought, remembering just three minutes ago when Tsuruya had happily gobbled the smoked-cheese from his hand and he was allowed to stroke her forehead.

Haruhi wore a look of annoyance as she stomped up to the two. "WHERE WERE YOU? I've been waiting twenty minutes for you assholes to show up! And I- what happened to your skirt?"

"Eh, we were running really fast and it got caughts on a nail?" Tsuruya said, trying to adjust her clothes now.

"Yeah, that..." Taniguchi trailed off before Tsuruya kicked his ankle and shot him a dark look to remind Haruhi of the perv he was supposed to be. "And it was awesome! It was like Christmas had come early for me-" Tsuruya (lightly) kicked Taniguchi in the crotch this time.

"OWWW!WHAT THE FUCK? THEY ARE INNOCENT!" Taniguchi barked at the greenette.

"DON'T PERV AFTER ME, YA MEGAS RETARDED FREAK!" Tsuruya roared, hoping the gang was buying their little performance.

Haruhi stared at the scene in boredom now. "Whatever. Take a seat and grab some cereal. Mikuru, get my "Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series" rip-off film reel now," Haruhi said, watching as the Rabbot chased them through town and managing to crush a kid in an orange parka like a grape. Mikuru grabbed the film reel and walked carefully toward the projector.

_I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna make it to the projector without tripping!_ Mikuru thought. Unfortunately, a door splintering inward and off its hinges tends to break concentration. "CURSE YOU, GRAVITY!" Mikuru shouted, the film reel flying conveniently on the table next to the projector.

A deep music that sounded like a cross between the theme to Jaws and the opening bassline to Black No. 1 made the presence of a few new characters known. The dust bomb cleared and revealed the new cast of characters standing at the entrance to the club...

"WOO HOO! THE CAST OF TORADORA IS HERE FOR MY CLIP SHOW!" Haruhi spoke.

Kyon smirked. "How does it feel to be on a major fanfic for thirty seconds?"

"FUCK YOU! We're only here because we took a wrong turn at Albuquerque!" Taiga roared. Ryuji looked behind his friends and pointed at the ensemble behind them. All the cast's eyes bulged out.

"...Bye!" the cast said, running away from a _new_ motley crew of characters.

An explosion of pink smog filled the room, smelling vaguely of rose petals. Haruhi and Kyon exchanged a glance as dramatic music began to play out of nowhere, and a few shadowy figures began to slowly materialize in the center of cloud. It looked as though the mystery gang was standing back to back with each other. A smooth guitar riff pierced the air.

Suddenly, one of them spoke.

"You know us as the Anti-SOS Brigade, we fight for what is wrong! We're tired of our motto, so we'd thought we try a song!" Kyouko Tachibana sang triumphantly into a small microphone as she leaned against the back of the smirking Fujiwara, who was holding a freshly-picked rose for some reason and a matching microphone.

"Fujiwara!" the aforementioned Fujiwara chirped with a flourish.

"Kyouko!" the esper shouted out in tandem with her cohort.

"The speed of light! Prepare to fight!" the duo both cried out, performing the 'V' sign with their fingers.

The smoke cleared away now fully, revealing the short Kuyou Suou, who was also toting a microphone. "Kuyou... That's riiight~!" she sang out with a wink that shot out white sparkles, and donning an actual heartwarming smile instead of her typical 'I've got bodies in my freezer' look.

"_I am the handsome one~..._" Fujiwara announced in a deep, melancholic voice, rose petals swirling about him.

"_I am the gorgeous one~..._" Kyouko said airily, hands clasped together as her eyes threatened to spill glistening tears.

Before anyone could actually _SAY_ anything, Kyon's old chum, Sasaki, made herself known. She leapt over her trio of friends and ninja-spire jumped onto the club table. Also in her hand was a microphone. And then Sasaki... BEGAN TO SING, TOO!

"_Looking good is lots of fun... We get some things wrong, but we keep rolling along~!_" Sasaki sang out loudly in extreme joy, to Kyon's ultimate confusion.

With a loud explosion, a puff of blue smoke filled the room, the scent of blueberries on it. Yuki and Kyon stared at the new intruder in fear. It couldn't be... It shouldn't be... It wouldn't be... SHE...

"We want to crush the SOS Brigade, we hope to do it soon! And when we do, we'll be the new stars of this... CARTOOOOOOON~!" Ryoko Asakura harped out (the other four joining in at the last word), a blue electric-guitar nestled in her arms. Ryoko then shredded an epic guitar solo with her knife (the strings held up just fine), while fireworks and mini-explosions went off around her. The room then became swallowed in complete darkness...

...Until the lights flickered back on, revealing Sasaki, Kyouko, Fujiwara, Kuyou, and Ryoko standing shoulder to shoulder with each other. All five were wearing wide smiles and matching black sunglasses. It was like looking at a dysfunctional boy-band.

"'Sup?" Kyouko said first, her left hand pointed at the stunned teens like a gun.

"What in the name of all things honey-glazed and sugar-coated was that?" Haruhi screamed out, unable to believe what she had just seen.

"Our new introduction. Groovy, wasn't it?" Fujiwara bragged, pleased with his vocals.

"Sasaki, what is wrong with you? You would never do something as stupid as that!" Kyon cried out in dismay.

Sasaki chuckled lightly, ditching the shades aside (the others copied this movement). "Oh, please, Kyon. Just because I enjoy frequent bouts of philosophy and hearing myself talk for multiple paragraphs at a time, doesn't mean that I can't act silly once in a while. You understand, right?"

Kyon blinked before offering a shrug. "But it was _soooooooo_ stupid."

"How DARE you mock our song, you nettlesome pest!" Kyouko hissed, her snarling face highly contradicting with her previous moe image. "We spent hours coming up with that song!"

"Isn't it from Pokémon?" Taniguchi piped up.

"SILENCE, YOU SLOVENLY COCK-MONGER!"

"When did you guys _ever _have a motto?" Mikuru asked, curious about one of the lyrics.

"Enough talk! Nagato!" Ryoko spat out, ditching the shades and guitar, and giving off a sinister smile at the book-lover. "I've joined the Sky Canopy Dominion and the Anti-SOS Brigade! You can't delete me so easily now!"

"Uh-huh..." Yuki replied, going back to her cereal. She really didn't give a damn about her clearly-insane backup at the moment.

"Indeed," Kuyou said with a smile. "Ryoko is now one of us. With our numbers at an equal rate, with stand a fifty percent chance of finally defeating you, SOS Brigade. Prepare for assimilation!" Noticing how eerily quiet the room had become, Kuyou looked at her teammates, wide-eyed looks on their faces. "What? Is there something on my face? Is it cake?"

"...Kuyou, how are you able to talk now?" Sasaki asked, obviously muddled with surprise.

"Yeah. Whatever happened to your line-breaks?" Kyouko inquired thoughtfully.

_Holy shit, she actually sounds hot for once... None of that broken answering-machine-talk anymore,_ Fujiwara thought with interest.

In response, Kuyou shrugged. "I copied the data on how to properly enunciate my words by scanning Ryoko's body as she slept. I sampled her memories and copied them to my own data."

"That's... unnerving," Ryoko admitted, shivering at the thought of Kuyou perched over her like a hungry crow over a plate of cocktail weenies.

"Excuse me!" Haruhi interrupted loudly. "But why are you morons here? I haven't seen any of you losers in three weeks so I kinda assumed you were all, you know... dead."

"Hmmmmhmmmm~... The rumors of our demise were greatly exaggerated!" Sasaki laughed nastily.

"Yes, we're back and badder than ever!" Kyouko added in, despite the fact that the group isn't even all that _evil_ in canon anyways.

"Indeed, Kyouko! For you see, SOS Brigade, evil can never die!" Fujiwara chimed in.

"Quite true! It only goes on vacation!" Ryoko giggled maliciously.

"IN HELL!" Kuyou finished loudly. All five teens threw back their heads and began to laugh evilly until their mouths vaguely resembled upside-down triangles.

"Yeah, yeah, so you ripped off an episode of Pokémon from over ten years ago. What are you doing here?" Haruhi asked in a bored tone.

"Simple~! We're here to crash the party!" Kuyou spoke.

"... Please go back to line breaks, Suou. That was just scary," Kyon said.

"... Never," Kuyou said.

"Besides, clip-shows are SOO yesterday! MUSICALS ARE WHERE THE SHIT'S AT!" Kyouko spouted. Haruhi sighed in exasperation.

"Musicals are lame, you retard!" Itsuki shouted.

"NO, THEY'RE NOT!" Kyouko shouted back. By this time, the two Brigades were in an all-out shit-fest of a flame-war, but in real-life. Tsuruya and Imouto were snacking on some Trix when someone that was supposed to be fighting showed up.

"May I eat with you?" Kuyou asked. Imouto paled and shoved her third helping of cereal toward Kuyou, which was freshly filled with the Trix and milk. Kuyou lifted a spoon from the bowl and ate a bit of it.

"H-How is it, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked, paralyzed with fear.

"...Unique," Kuyou said.

"Which part?" Imouto asked.

"...All of it.". And with that brick joke said, Kuyou started gobbling down her cereal like a like a vacuum-cleaner.

"Oh, is this some kinda contest now?" Tsuruya roared and began to scarf down her cereal just as fast.

Imouto facepalmed like her big brother. _Good god! This is worse than the time when she burned my soup when I was sick..._ Imouto thought.

Back to the flame-war...

"Scared yet, Nagato?" Ryoko sneered at the still-sitting Yuki. "I have far more power in one tiny finger than you do in your entire body! With my new upgrades, I could singlehandedly obliterate you and your measly little friends with the raise of an eyebrow!"

Yuki just placed her bowl of Kix back on the table and stared calmly at Ryoko before saying, "Judging by the size of your eyebrows, I actually believe that statement of yours."

"Ha ha ha! I knew you would be quaking in terror!" boasted Ryoko, not noticing the giggles coming from Kyon and the others.

"Ummmmm, Ryoko?" whispered Sasaki, sidling up to the former class-representative. "I think Miss Nagato there was making fun of you."

Ryoko's smug little grin evaporated completely. "Huh? What do you mean?"

"I think that the purple people-eater there just said you had huge eyebrows," Fujiwara pointed out ever so helpfully.

"She did? Oooooooooh, you'll pay for that remark, Nagato!"

"Don't be sore at Nagato, Asakura," Emiri said with an Itsuki-like smile. "It's not like she's responsible for you having facial hair that bears a striking resemblance to caterpillars."

"Oh, shut up, Kimidori, and go back to your Cocoa Puffs! My butt is more popular than you are!" Ryoko yelled at her superior.

"...Meanie," sniffled Emiri, swallowing down an extra-big spoonful of chocolate delights. Kunikida and Taniguchi reached over and patted her on the back and head for comfort.

"Does anyone care about my slideshow?" Haruhi complained, gesturing at the image of Tsuruya kicking her father being faintly played on the wall. No one paid attention to her and went on with their fight.

"You might as well let us stay and try to salvage this train-wreck of an anniversary show. Some music and pyrotechnics might do it some good," Fujiwara sneered, Kyouko nodding feverishly behind him.

"Now, I might be depicted as a pedophile, rapist, and lover of all things Kyon in the fandom, but that is that gayest thing I have ever heard," Itsuki countered, smiling with closed eyes.

"I'm going to have to agree with Koizumi on that one. The thought you singing and dancing is much gayer than any yaoi fic of the two of us ever made," Kyon said with a slight laugh.

"Guys, the slide is still playing! Kyon just turned into Yuki with his Millennium Puzzle!" Haruhi yelled.

Fujiwara bristled at the insults directed at him. "You two douchebags are calling my vocals gay? Fine then! Here are your crowns, gods of all things musical!" With that, Fujiwara whipped out two paper Burger King crowns and placed them tightly onto Kyon and Itsuki's heads. A second later, he banged their heads together.

"OWWWW! YOU SNEERING BASTARD!" Kyon and Itsuki angrily shouted in unison, ripping the dorky crowns off.

Back with Tsuruya and Kuyou, their eating contest was getting out of hand. Kuyou had eaten roughly a fifth of her weight in Trix and milk by this point, and Tsuruya wasn't far behind, having eaten at least three spoons and having to gulp down the rest of her bowl. Imouto had taken to smashing her forehead into the wall in annoyance.

"FINISHED!" the two gluttons called out simultaneously, refilling their bowls and gulping down more food.

In the midst of the insanity, Haruhi was fuming. "DAMN IT! You all missed my clip-show!" the goddess cried.

The cheese-lover and the former-robot gulped down their cereal. "WE DON'T CARE!" they cried in unison before pigging out some more sugary breakfast products.

Haruhi sighed and pulled out another film clip. "Aw, fuck it. I'm just gonna put in the clip from when Mikuru got wasted beyond belief," she deadpanned.

"FINISHED!" the two girls cried, reaching for even more cereal. Kuyou got a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Tsuruya, on the other hand...

"MMMMPH!" She had accidentally swallowed the lovable loli sister of Kyon, who had bitten her esophagus on the way down and was clinging to her uvula for dear life. Laws of physics, please fuck off now.

"Someone help me! I'm slipping! I don't wanna get digested!" Imouto screamed in a panic, her grip starting to loosen.

The only reason her shoes were safe from Tsuruya's gastric acids was because of the roast turkey skeleton that was already down there. Tsuruya wasn't exactly having a blast either, since her gag-reflex wasn't dangerously close to overpowering her. The rich kid flailed her arms and made gurgling sounds to alert everyone of the trouble, but no one was paying any attention. Kyon himself was too busy, having gotten into a vicious poking fight with Fujiwara, Itsuki backing him up. As expected, it looked very stupid.

"Ha ha! Got ya!" Kyon teased, jabbing Fujiwara in the ribs.

"Argh! That stings!" Fujiwara winced, yelling again as a giggling Itsuki poked him in the neck.

"You're no match for the two of us, fiend!" Itsuki sniggered triumphantly. Ryoko noticed the brawl (if you could call it that) and decided to butt in.

"Nagato, I'll be back in a jiffy to destroy you. Right now I have something to do..." Ryoko marched up to Kyon and Itsuki, gave them both a baleful smile... right before she poked them in the eyes.

"THE PAIN!" moaned Itsuki, stumbling into his chair.

"I'M BLIIIIIIIND!" Kyon howled, clutching his injured retinas, and stumbling around like a drunk. He didn't notice his sister in mortal peril, by the way.

Sasaki, on the other hand, did. While she had her grudge against the SOS Brigade, she held no resentment towards Kyon's sister. She shuffled past the group of kids to get to Tsuruya's seat, as well as past Haruhi, who was still trying in vain to get everyone to watch her show.

"Sasaki! Look over here! Mikuru is making a fool of herself! Look at her!" Haruhi said eagerly, pointing at Mikuru molesting the Brigade Chief herself on the wall. Taniguchi, Kunikida, and oddly enough, Emiri, were paying attention to the movie with gusto, but Haruhi didn't pay them any notice.

"Here! Grab my hand!" Sasaki said to Imouto, her arm down the fanged-girl's throat. Knowing an opportunity to leave when she saw it, Imouto took Sasaki's hand and was pulled out of Tsuruya's jaws with a wet, slick sound. Her clothes were damp and her shoes had bits of food-gunk on them.

"Thanks, Sasaki! Ewwwwwwww... I smell like cereal and cheese!" Imouto complained, wiping the saliva off her head.

"Not a problem, dear," Sasaki smiled. She noticed that something suspiciously liver-like was stuck to the back of Imouto's shirt, so she quickly snatched it off and jammed it back down Tsuruya's gullet when no one was looking.

Tsuruya coughed as her liver sank down to make friends with her ovaries. "I'm megas sorry for eating you..." she apologized.

"FUCK YOU!" Imouto roared, peeling a half-digested leprechaun off her shoe, tossing it into the trash but not before pocketing his bag of gold. Kunikida saw this and scowled, already plotting Imouto and Tsuruya's painful deaths. HE was supposed to kill and rob that little Irish bastard! Oh, how they would suffer...

**DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!**

"If I take you to the candy store, will ya forgive me?" Tsuruya asked.

"...Maybe," Imouto pondered.

There was a slam from nearby as Tsuruya's dead-eyed adversary slammed down her finished bowl of cereal. "I WIN, MOTHAFUCKER!" Kuyou smiled.

"...DAMN YOU AND YOUR LOLI CUTENESS FOR DISTRACTING ME, IMOUTO!" Tsuruya shouted, giving a battle cry and clutching her spoon as a weapon before leaping toward Kuyou.

Haruhi was waving her arms around and pointing to the screen like she had in the baseball tournament, showing Mikuru proclaiming that Kyon's ass was her property. "Mikuru~... Come watch the movie..." Mikuru simply flipped Haruhi off, watching Ryoko and Yuki square off.

"Oh, really? You think you're more powerful than me now? Name one thing you're bad at, Fatassakura..." Yuki sneered.

"Nothing~! I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN~! And my poking is epic! You must... Did you just poke my tit?" Ryoko asked.

Indeed, Yuki had just taken her right index finger and poked Ryoko's left breast. "No," Yuki calmly answered.

"YOU DID! YOU FUCKING PUNCHED ME IN THE TITS!"

"Oh, come on, it was one poke in your left nipple. Don't be so dramatic."

"I thought you said you DIDN'T poke me..." Ryoko laughed.

"...Shit..." Yuki sighed.

Ryoko spread all ten fingers on one her hand and wiggled them like worms. "PREPARE TO DIE, YOU SONOVABITCH!" Ryoko roared, leaping for Yuki.

The two interfaces fell to the ground, rolling about as they groped, pinched, punched, kicked, bit, clawed, and humped each other. Whenever one had the advantage, the other would roll around to readjust her position on top. During the battle, Ryoko and Yuki careened into Haruhi's projector, causing it to fall on them. Neither of them noticed any pain though.

Haruhi, however, did. "Noooooooo! Mikuru was just about to vomit and look like a huge moron! You guys are ruining everything! It's my special day and none of you care! You all think my movie sucks, I bet!"

"I think having a movie of our best moments is a pretty cool idea," Taniguchi said with a smile, enjoying the sight of Yuki and Ryoko struggling on the floor.

"I like it, too. I didn't at first, but I thought it over. Makes me think of all the fun times we had together," Kunikida agreed.

"And I actually do enjoy the other chapters besides my... depressed phase. I actually have important and funny roles!" Emiri chirped.

Haruhi, instead of smiling back and thanking the trio, merely said, "WILL YOU THREE WORTHLESS LOSERS JUST SHUT THE HELL UP? I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK WITH THE POINTLESS CRAP SPEWING OUT OF YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE MOUTHS!"

"...Ass," Taniguchi, Kunikida, and Emiri said with a pout, sinking down into their chairs. Nobody seemed to point out the fact that Tsuruya and Kuyou were having a clash of the breakfast utensils behind them, but then again, did it really matter?

"I have you now, Nagato! Your hacking skills won't get you out of this predicament!" Ryoko squealed, fondling Yuki's washboard chest.

But instead of blushing heavily or moaning in embarrassment, Yuki looked up at Ryoko with an eerie smile. "Mmmmmmmmmm... Keep it up, Asakura... A little to the left..."

"What? You're ENJOYING this?"

"Yes. Perhaps it will be my turn right after~..."

"AAAAAHHH! KEEP AWAY FROM ME, SICKO!"

"Oh, no, Asakura. I seem to be having trouble controlling my body. It's acting against my own wishes. It's going to get yooouuu~..." Yuki said with a creepy grin as she began to get up to harass her former partner.

"ACK! The memories are coming back! Clamps, chains, collars, chocolate-syrup, strawberries, whipped-cream, paddles... FONDU! NEVER AGAIN, NAGATO! NEVER AGAIN!" Ryoko screeched, propelling herself off Yuki. The tiny bookworm got up and began to lurch after the chronic-stabber in a zombie-like manner, outstretched arms included. She retreated past the recovering Itsuki and Kyon and latched onto a perplexed Fujiwara, burying her head into his chest.

"Oh, Fujiwara..." Ryoko looked up at him with teary, shimmering, blue eyes. "Protect me from that monster! She's horny again!"

"There, there, Asakura... I won't let her get you," Fujiwara whispered tranquilly. Ryoko sniffled and began to cry softly, while the time-traveler patted her on the head. The second he knew she wasn't looking, Fujiwara shot Yuki a true crocodile smile and mouthed out, "Yo, biotch! I got yo girlfriend! Boo-YAH!"

Yuki said nothing, only clenching her fists in a manner so tightly, that it would cause blood to pour out from where the nails pierced for a regular human.

"What about my projector? You guys broke it! Now what are we gonna do?" Haruhi growled at the packed room.

Itsuki was going to suggest Haruhi use her powers to create a new projector, but Kyon beat him to it. "Instead of just watching a slideshow, how about we just talk about our favorite moments in a big group circle? We can make comparisons about who has the best favorite," the snarker offered.

Haruhi put a finger to her chin and thought it over. "Hmmmmmm. You may just have something there, my subordinate! Okay! We'll talk about our favorite HR moments!" Haruhi announced with relish. "Okay, Anti-SOS Brigade and Asakura. You dorks can stay for a while. Have some cereal and- TSURUYA, STOP TRYING TO MURDER SUOU!"

"Never, nyoro!" Tsuruya yelled, trying to use her spoon to dig out Kuyou's left eye, who was pinned underneath her.

"NOW!" Haruhi roared. Kuyou tossed the Cheeze Wonder into a passing Mikuru, sending both of them into the wall. Kuyou walked to where the SOS Brigade was sitting, and was surprised to see them all back away from her.

"... What's wrong? Do I smell or something?" Kuyou asked.

"No... It's more like you have a SPOON in your eye," Yuki pointed out.

"...Ohh... OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Kuyou screamed, trying to get the spoon from her eye socket. Unfortunately, she tripped over Haruhi's paperweight and the projector remains wound up flying out the window.

"...Well, now..." Sasaki broke the awkward, minute-long silence. "Anyone got a story to share?"

"Why haven't I even obliterated you guys yet?" Haruhi pointed out, narrowing her eyes at her rival. "Come to think of it, why are you acting this way, Sasaki? You're indifferent in our series. You don't even want my powers at all. What's with you?"

Sasaki let out a rather shrill giggle in response. "Well, Suzumiya... Ever since I started hanging out with this trio of morons, I tried to keep my thoughts on having a normal life as my top priority. But since Ryoko joined us... I think I may have descended into full-blown insanity! I may have lost millions of brain-cells, but I'm happier than a pig eating bacon! TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!"

Taniguchi, Tsuruya, Kunikida, Imouto, and Emiri leaned _far _away from the original goddess after that little bout of information. The sight of Sasaki now clutching her knees to her chest and rocking back and forth with a maniacal gleam in her eyes didn't sit all that well with Haruhi either.

"I do! Hey, remember when Suzumiya was crushed by a huge blimp and her best friends were celebrating her death?" Kyouko spoke up.

The whole room erupted in laughter. Joining them from their spot in the cameo room- AKA the Computer Club with a live feed- were several casts that had made cameos. The casts of various series like Higurashi, Toradora, K-ON!, Lucky Star, Kino's Journey, Final Fantasy, Mario, Kirby, Pokémon, and for some reason, the band GWAR were all laughing their asses off at Haruhi's misfortune.

"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH! I am SICK, and TIRED of being mistreated! NOW STOP BEING PRICKS AND LOVE ME!" Haruhi barked, stomping her foot on the ground and creating a crack in the floor.

"If anything, YOU should be nicer to us," Kyon snapped back with the sass of a black man in a fat woman suit.

"Kyon, please ignore that uppity brat over there and just tell Miss Suzumiya that you're sorry so we can get on with our HR memories, okay?" Itsuki suggested, gesturing in Kyouko's direction at the phrase 'uppity brat'.

Kyon would have smashed his perfect teeth in, but Kyouko beat him to the punch. Literally. Her knuckles embedded themselves in Itsuki's right eye.

"OWWWW!" the pissed-off male esper roared.

Kyon slowly walked up to Kyouko. "...I love you," he said to the female esper.

Kyouko smiled impishly. "That's nic- OH!" Itsuki managed to locate the girl through his impaired vision and kneed her in the solar plexus. "You returned fire... and on a GIRL, at that! THIS MEANS WAR!"

"AW, SLAP FIGHT!" Mikuru shouted before being punched in the head by Fujiwara. In a display of berserk fury, Kyon rushed forward to turn Fujiwara into a puddle of goo with his own two hands... only to get tripped up by the villain's foot and sent crashing into the wall. He slid down with a comical thud.

"Hey! That's my line!" cried Itsuki, delivering a stinging slap to Kyouko's face, and receiving another in turn. True to Mikuru's word, the two espers were engaged in a slap fight of epic proportions. Slap after slap was delivered, leaving bruise after bruise in place.

It was frickin' hilarious to watch.

"Ow!" Kyouko slapped Itsuki.

"Ow!" Itsuki slapped Kyouko.

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Knock it off, you two!" Haruhi slapped both of them.

"OW!"

Meanwhile, Mikuru had gotten up, nervous and scared, but ready to avenge Kyon for his act of bravery. "Ummmmmmmmm... Uhhhhhhhhhhh..."

"What?" snapped Fujiwara, ready to hit her again.

"Err... Err... TAKE THIS!" Mikuru grabbed Fujiwara by the neck and stuffed his head into her chest. He understandably caught off guard and tried to pull away, but Mikuru was latched onto her rival like a leech. He screamed something about a marshmallow hell, but his voiced was muffled by Mikuru's... you know. The red-head had her eyes closed and was singing a squeaky version of Rock-a-bye Baby, made creepy by the way Fujiwara's movements were slowing down.

"Dear, lord! She's killing him!" Ryoko cried in agony, dodging another one of Yuki's attempts to molest her. "Sasaki! Help me save our teammate! Let's do that attack we worked on!"

"Oh, fine then. But next time we spend more time on our choreography," Sasaki reluctantly agreed. The philosopher and yandere rushed over to Kuyou, picked up the recently-chatty alien, and held her up her arms before launching her like a missile.

"KUYOU KRUSHER~!" they both yelled out, Sasaki sounding a bit bored.

"Eh?" Mikuru looked up from suffocating her counterpart... to see a pale-faced doll with an open array of tentacles consisting of black hair flying at her.

"RAPE ATTACK!" Kuyou shouted, slamming right into Mikuru and sending the moeblob to the ground along with the bastard.

"NOOOOO! My virginity!" Mikuru yelped in fear, her hold on Fujiwara releasing.

"Wanna go out sometime?" Kuyou asked Mikuru, now sitting cross-legged on her generous bosom.

"PIIIIII~! I CAN NEVER GET MARRIED NOW!" the moeblob cried. Kyon grabbed Fujiwara's halfway passed-out form and landed a blow on his forehead with his elbow. Unfortunately, the male time-traveler was full of bullshit and therefore, was hard-headed.

"OWWWWWW!" Kyon roared, leaping up and punching Itsuki again and again.

"You want Fujiwara, you idiot! THIS HURTS!" Itsuki shrieked, shielding himself with his arms to ward off Kyon's blows.

"...Why do you think I'm doing it?" Kyon shouted as Kyouko helped him beat the holy shit outta Itsuki. Haruhi was in the corner crying during all of this.

"Hey, look! A chick cryin'!" Tsuruya said. They stopped their fight to listen to Haruhi's sobbing.

"It's not fair... I've been in the most successful English language crack fic in fanfiction history and these assholes ruin it for me!" Haruhi sniffled, wiping her tears away with a tissue.

Kyon walked over to his Brigade Chief. "We're sorry, Haruhi. This is your special day most of all. And we all forgot that. You want us to pull out the other projector from the closet and we can finish the clip-show?"

Haruhi paled. "...You had ANOTHER projector? NISHINOMIYA RAGE!" Haruhi roared, wailing on Kyon mercilessly.

"UGH! Control yourself, Haruhi! Stop trying to Falcon Kick me!"

"Shut up, slave!" Haruhi unleashed her famous flying kick at Kyon. The bruised boy dropped to the floor at the last second, causing Haruhi to soar over his head and into Sasaki. She let out an a scream and toppled to the floor with Haruhi on her.

Kyouko wailed in horror at the sight of Sasaki pinned underneath the supposed heretic. Free from her blows, Itsuki used the opportunity to get up and smash his chair into Kyouko's back. The stunned esper flew into Kuyou and Mikuru on the floor, sending them sprawling. Not wanting to be left out, Tsuruya and Imouto began to fight, too, in a most peculiar and seemingly unfair fight. Tsuruya rushed towards the loli to unleash some pent-up stress with an uppercut... only to receive a drill-kick to her gut.

"CRAP! Not again, nyoro!" Tsuruya yelled.

"My kicks pierce the heavens... AND YOUR SOUL, SUCKER!" Imouto gloated. Not wanting to give up, Tsuruya grabbed the small child in mid-spin and spun her in the opposite direction to disorient her. Imouto peeled herself off the floor and ran at Tsuruya to pummel her some more... only to be stopped when Tsurya stuck out her foot and held it against Imouto's forehead, effectively keeping her away.

"No fair! You're bigger than me!" Imouto cried.

Tsuruya grinned at Imouto's feeble attempts to hit her ankle. "That's the idea, nyoro!"

"Man... I gotta come to these meetings more!" Taniguchi was enjoying himself at the new sight of Sasaki and Haruhi strangling each on the floor, Simpsons-style. At least until Emiri flicked him on the ear.

"Please, everyone! Stop killing each other!" she begged, while Taniguchi rubbed his ear and glared at her. "You're tearing us apart!"

"Yes, let's all calm down and pay attention to Miss Kimidori," Kunikida said coolly, slithering up so that his shoulder was brushing up against Emiri's own. "By the way, Miss Kimidori, how's Sakanaka doing? I hear you two are quite close~..." Props to Kunikida and his thinly-veiled three-way attempt, readers.

Emiri simply jammed her index and middle fingers in Kunikida's eyes. "I'M BLIND!" Kunikida screamed, dropping to the floor.

"NOW EVERYONE SHUT THE HOLY FUCK UP!" Emiri roared. Kunikida stopped screaming, Fujiwara regained consciousness, Tsuruya and Imouto stopped fighting, Sasaki lowered her fist back down, and Haruhi looked up from inhaling her Apple Jacks.

"Oh? And what do YOU suggest we do?" Haruhi snickered cruelly.

Emiri cocked her head to the side for a moment said, "How about we re-enact each of our favorite HR moments?"

Kunikida smiled from his spot on the floor. "Damn it, the minor character with no panties is right! Let's re-enact- OW! MY CHILDREN!" Kunikida sobbed, clutching his groin from the stomp Emiri inflicted for looking up her skirt.

"Great idea!" Haruhi exclaimed, rubbing her hands together. "I'll start by re-enacting my favorite chapter: Number 38~!"

Everyone in the room had a confused look on their face, save Imouto, who was shivering.

"Imouto, what's wrong? It's not even cold in here... HARUHI, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Kyon shouted, once he noticed an attachment to Imouto, stroking her ass through her shorts. If one's eyesight followed said attachment upward, one would see Haruhi's arm, with her hand planted on Imouto's loli ass, her eyes closed, with a pedo smile planted on her face. Kyon grit his teeth in a show of anger and noticed Haruhi's empty cereal bowl on the table...

Itsuki's always smiling face was now an ashen grimace. _That's MY loli! I imprinted on her when I saw her swimsuit riding up in between her ass that one time! Suzumiya must die..._ Itsuki thought. Before he could tell Haruhi to have a seat over there, the sound of Haruhi's cereal bowl that she had been funneling Apple Jacks into broke... over Mikuru Asahina's head.

"THAT HURT! God DAMN you, Nagato!" Mikuru raged.

"Oops," Kyon gulped from his hiding place behind a surprised Yuki, deciding against telling either of them the truth, as he wanted to get laid after the cast party.

"What the hell you talkin' 'bout, cracka?" Yuki asked her, mouth curling into an unamused line.

"YOU THREW THAT BOWL AT ME BECAUSE YOU WANT KYON FOR YOURSELF! He's mine, you street-talking, hentai-loving, ironing-board! I deserve him a lot more you or the egotistical control-freak!" Mikuru said in an OOC way, pointing at Haruhi. The blow to her skull probably did something to her.

"HEY!" Haruhi said, her moment of hurt feelings providing Imouto with the chance to escape and hide behind Kyon.

Tsuruya sighed, shrugging her arms. "Awwww... Jesus, it's the AVTT arc all over again..."

"Aw, you did NOT say that, cracka. Bring it, bitch!" Yuki grabbed a shard of porcelain from the broken bowl between her fingers, letting her alien blood drip down the edges. From the Computer Club, if one listened carefully enough they could hear Oderus Urungus and Kirby taking bets over who's gonna win the fight.

Yuki moved in for a slash at Mikuru's neck to boost up her street cred, but the maid anticipated this move and sent her stumbling forward with a hard shove. As a result (and all the slippery alien blood), Yuki's shard shot forward out of her hand and into one of the milk cartons. It punctured it like a harpoon would do to a whale and sent a spray of milk onto Tsuruya. The genki stood there solemnly, a new feeling flowing into her. It was not joy or laughter... it was pure, primal hate.

"I WILL DEVOUR YOUR CHILDREN!" Tsuruya exclaimed dramatically. "Prepare to be tarred and feathered, nyoro!" And so Tsuruya ran out of the room like a bolt of green lightning, only to return six seconds later with... a bag of feathers and a drum of tar. In each hand. Oh, dear...

"This is getting more retarded by the minute," Kuyou pointed out, Mikuru and Yuki pummeling each other in the background.

"You said it, Cousin It!" Fujiwara replied in a joking manner.

"Tonight... YOU."

"Huh?"

With a shrill laugh, Tsuruya flung her two items right at Yuki and Mikuru. The two sexy combatants hadn't even begun tearing off each other's clothes when they saw the cloud of feathers and tar coming at them from above. Yuki rolled them out of the way at the last split second, causing Itsuki to become Tsuruya's target. Tar and fluffy, white feathers stuck to his clothes, making him look like a big chicken.

"Sorry, Koizumi," Tsuruya said cutely, sticking her tongue out and miming a blow to her head. Itsuki was anything but understanding.

"Sorry? You stupid, uncultured, face-stuffing swine! Do you know how long it takes me to do my hair in the morning? TWO HOURS! All of that is gone now. What good is being sticky going to do for me..." The young Agency member turned away from the teary Tsuruya to the cowering Kyon and Imouto with predatory eyes. "Oh, ho ho ho! I do believe my current state shall assist me after all. SAILOR POTHEAD AWAY~!"

With a glomp, Itsuki leapt onto Kyon and Imouto, the tar gluing him to them. Try as they did, neither sibling could get away. The pedophiliac psychic had them both locked in a VERY weird bear-hug, arranged so that he was leaning his smiling face in the crook of Kyon's neck, and Imouto's back on his right knee.

"AAAAAAHHHH! DAMN KOIZUMI!" both brother and sister hollered loudly, clawing and biting at their captor. It wasn't like he minded that much at all. Unfortunately, Ryoko got in the way of the tussle and fell flat on her rear. Seeing this as a chance to destroy one of her greatest enemies, his sister, and to ensure her place on the throne of creepy smile-makers, Ryoko brought out her combat knife from her favorite concealed place.

"Ahhhh~! Always keep a knife-holster under your bra, kids! You never know when you might need it!" Ryoko chirped to the creeped-out Anti-SOS Brigade. "Now then... Hope you, your sister, and Koizumi like other worlds, Kyon... BECAUSE THIS ONE WILL BE A ONE-WAY TRIP! Die!" Ryoko gracefully leapt up until she almost touching the top of the ceiling with her head, raised her blade in both hands, then began plummeting down towards the trio like a meteor, smiling all the while.

Imouto looked up, saw an insane Ryoko hurtling at her brother from above, then threw all her tiny body weight to the left. All three went off balance.

"No!" Ryoko cried, unable to stop the momentum built up within her knife. Haruhi dropped her eyes at what Ryoko was aiming for now, unable to invoke her power due to the amount of shock in her system.

"Stop, Asakura! DON'T YOU'LL HIT THE LINE BROADCASTING THE VIDEO-FEED TO OUR FANS!" Before that could even fully register in the brains of the room's occupants, Ryoko's knife sliced through the wire on the floor, exactly like a hot knife through butt-

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**AT THE MOMENT WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. YOUR PROGRAM WILL RESUME SHORTLY. PLEASE REMAIN CALM AND OBSERVE THE FOLLOWING. **

On a couch sitting in the middle of a white void were Mikuru Asahina (big) and Churuya.

"Nyoro~n..." Churuya sighed.

"Folks, we're sorry that ol' knife nut cut the video feed. I, Future Mikuru would like to apologize for the inconvenience," the elder red-head nodded her head profusely.

Churuya put her stubby fist to her mouth and cleared her throat. But before she could talk, Big-Mikuru held up a hand to silence her.

"If you wanna apologize, too, do it yourself. Don't ask me to do it for you, Churuya. I'm far too chesty and attractive to help remove refuse from the park every morning and speak for others on the same day," Big-Mikuru said in a haughty manner, wagging a finger the cat-faced chibi.

Churuya blinked repeatedly, conjured up a pair of arched black lines for angry eyebrows, and pointed a fingerless hand at Big-Mikuru. "...I MOVE TRASH FROM THE PARK FOR OTHER PEOPLE AND MOTHER EARTH, YOU WHORE!" Churuya roared completely out of character. "And if anything, I'M more important than you! You've been in this crack fic, like what, three times? And one of them was to stop Imouto from marrying someone of a different faith, you PRICK! I've been in HR more than once and even then, I WAS RESPECTED! So shut your trap, you lousy, god damn, shitty-ass, chesty, manipulative, FUCKING HARLOT!"

Big Mikuru shut up in an instant before breaking into tears. "I... If you're going to talk to me like that again... YOU'RE FIRED!" she sobbed heavily.

"Aw, get a life, airbags..." Churuya deadpanned, waving an arm at her co-host.

Mikuru's adult self fought hard to swallow her pouring tears. _Stop crying, damn it! Don't let yourself get any weaker. Damn it all! Stop crying! Remember what mom and dad said... Big girls don't cry... Big girls don't cry..._ And as quickly as it had started, Big-Mikuru's crying ceased immediately and she smiled angelically at Churuya. "Please go on with your speech, Churuya. I'm good now!"

Churuya was a bit weirded out on how the time-traveler had gone from an emotional wreck to her perky self in less than 10 seconds, but complied nonetheless. "Now then, the following people are... for a better lack of words... EPIC! Please enjoy, nyoro!" Churuya squeaked cutely, waving her tiny arms.

A scrolling list of names in black text than slowly scrolled up in front of them in midair, accompanied by Rick Astely's (in)famous rendition of "Never Gonna Give You Up". After three seconds, Churuya just yelled at the sound-guy to switch it to the Butter Building theme from Super Smash Brothers Brawl.

**To BKE, Gladiator Beast MCK, ObsidianWarrior, aprilfool1993, Cha-Cha-Cheesecake, The Solar-Being, Aster Selene, Akai-Kurenai, Mr Wang 330, JonBob0008, nukerjsr, The Hidden Lostar, fourtress101, Nederbird, Exdeamon, leonazo, uzkun7, THIRD-IMPACT-end-of-humanity, Kyon-Is-Haruhi's-Slave00, Sasaki in a Top Hat, 'bluey306'',AnatheAwesome, too lazy to login, StgHydra, l Nagisa l,Queen Sydon, darandomninja, MugiChanx, Overactive Mind, PhantomTheft, Zefferelli, 7MurkuroRealm7, Anime Borat, devious-sos, The Might DYLDO, stigotte, Manga Witch 808, SOSMeganSOS, TheOtherKeybladeMaster,****ShiningScythe, George Wolker, TheLayman, and insomniac1, AlonsoMassa, and SOSKate88...**

_**THANKS!**_

"And since they were so many faves and alerts, the author didn't want to waste a ton of space trying to remember them all. So he added the people who made the biggest impacts to him in chats or just were friendly to him. If your name wasn't up here, we're sorry. No hard feelings, please?" said a booming voice, scaring off the music.

Big-Mikuru and Churuya stared at one another. "Did you say anything?" both of them said at the exact same time.

"No. I did."

The buxom red-head and miniature greenette looked to the right and were shocked to see Shinjin the Celestial (from Chapter 70) and the Cave Cricket. Both monsters were seated at a comically oversized kotatsu. Shinjin's Santa hat was absent for obvious reasons.

"Why are you two doing here?" asked Big-Mikuru.

Shinjin shrugged. "Just to provide some delightful exposition about this cut-away. I'm getting my own story soon so I got the right to help announce with you guys."

"Then why is he here?" Churuya pointed at the Cave Cricket, who was eating out of a China bowl full of grass clippings.

"I brought along CC because he was bored. Hope that's all right, Churuya."

"Yes. It's fine. He... doesn't eat meat does he?"

But before Shinjin could say that Cave Cricket only had a thing for fruits and veggies, the enormous bug looked up from its food and buzzed out, "TIMOTEI~!"

"...Say what? It- He can talk?" Big-Mikuru yelled, struck dumb by that random meme.

"Mikuru-sensei, no baka! ___N'est-ce pas, Churuya-san? _Nippon, la cucaracha! Ni-pah~!" the Cave Cricket chirped, antennas whipping around while it rubbed its front legs together. Churuya and Big-Mikuru were utterly bamboozled. Shinjin groaned in annoyance.

"About that... Sorry, but for some reason, CC here can only talk in nonsensical garblings of pseudo-Japanese, Spanish, English, French, and several other languages. I barely know what the hell he's saying half the time myself," Shinjin explained, waving a gleaming arm.

"Ehhh? Doshita kawaii desu, nyoro, Shinjin-kun! Teriyaki, muchos gracias!" Cave Cricket chirped loudly.

"..." Churuya and Big-Mikuru said in unison.

"Errrr, yeah... Well, then," Shinjin the Celestial said, coughing into a fist before facing the audience. "We now bring you back to your scheduled program to annoy you... and to make things generally more interesting."

"El anniversary es muy excellente! Domo like it very much! WASABI!"

"Yes, enjoy the show, folks... FOR I SHALL DESTROY THE WORLD BEYOND CLOSED SPACE SOON!"

"_WATASHI WA SHINEN_! **...**_**SHINENZU**__**!**_"

"You said it, CC~!" Churuya excitedly agreed.

Big-Mikuru held her forehead in her hands. "I seriously need my own chapter after this..."

* * *

"-ove it like that and it'll be fixed... HEY! It worked! Good job, Kyon!" said the voice of Haruhi. Kyon was kneeling on the floor with pink rubber gloves, the video cable in both hands. The severed cord had been reattached together rather neatly. Power was once again restored to the Computer Club. Oh, and the reason he was now free of being tarred and feathered with Itsuki and his sister on him was because Emiri had used her powers of not having numerous lines in the anime to unstick them. Everyone had visibly calmed down from the previous scene and were now just standing around.

"Good thing you carry around so much duct-tape, Kunikida," Kyon said at last, standing up from his chore.

"No problem. Ya never know," Kunikida smiled, pocketing his large roll of duct-tape back into his pants.

"Now what happens? Is Sasaki really going to kill Haruhi now?" Imouto questioned. The Anti-SOS Brigade and Ryoko began to scratch their chins in thought.

"Now that I think about it... I'm not sure WHY we're here. We were just relaxing at my house because we weren't invited. Then Ryoko suddenly popped up out of nowhere. And then... I don't remember what happened next," Sasaki finally said after some consideration.

"That's off," Emiri said, turning to Ryoko. "Asakura, why did you join them in the first place?"

"To tell you the truth, Kimidori, I don't recall the meeting taking place at all! I just appeared and the rest is a blur to me. Just remembering that song-number is making me queasy! I hate upbeat musicals!"

As the gang began to hum in uncertainty, Yuki pulled Kyon to the side. "We need to speak."

"What is it, Nagato?" asked Kyon.

"I am detecting copious amounts of data-manipulation converging over the school's perimeter. It won't be long before the field expands all the way over the city," Yuki answered, her petite face showing no emotion as usual.

Kyon gaped in fear. "Data-manipulation? Who's doing it? Suou? Asakura? ...Haruhi?"

"Negative. The source is emanating from a much more powerful being." Yuki held both sides of her uniform as she began to shiver.

"More powerful than Haruhi? Then who... or what is it?"

"...The author."

"...What?"

"The author."

Kyon swallowed back the bile in his throat and said in a whisper. "You mean _the_ author? Of this fic?"

"Indeed. He has been using his power to subtlety influence the behavioral patterns of everyone in the clubroom and those associated with Haruhi Suzumiya. His power far exceeds her abilities. Even that of the Integrated Data Thought Entity."

"You mean that... guy has been controlling everyone this whole time? That's why everyone has been acting strange?" But Yuki did not answer Kyon's question.

Rather it was Mikuru, who suddenly broke the room's mumbling with a cry of, "Hey! Is that blood on the blackboard?" It was. With a thrill of terror, Kyon and Yuki saw that the blackboard that Haruhi always used for messages now read in thick, crimson liquid: **I'VE RETURNED, BITCHES!**

"Awwwww, man, not THIS again!" Kyon shouted. He would have complained further, but a certain moeblob had grabbed his arm and was unintentionally grinding her breasts into his arm.

"Kyon~!" Mikuru shouted in terror.

_Must... fight... BONER..._ Kyon thought.

**Mikuru... Kyon has a rager,** the blood on the fourth wall read.

Mikuru jumped back. "YOU SON OF A BITCH! I TRUSTED YOU!" Before Mikuru could whale on Kyon for getting a reaction to her epic moeness, two things happened: One, Mikuru was frozen in place by some mysterious force. Two, the blood spun in a circle and opened to make a ring with a bar in the middle - think the Type O Negative logo. When this 'figure' spoke, the bar in the middle vibrated, moving the blood around like choppy water.

**Hello, desu. I'm superstarultra. For the past year, I've had a strong hold on your lives. I've killed you, humiliated you, harmed you, et cetera. And due to this being so damn successful, I decided to give a gift to my fans and friends for their support of my slow and painful torture of you adorable bastards and bitches over the year. I made Mikuru a drunk. I forced you all to be obese. Itsuki's always been sitting in the transparent closet, so I can't take credit for that... and I may have made Haruhi bone her paperweight, but that's not the point,** the figure snickered at the joke. **My true goal is to use the epic power of crack fic writing to entertain others at YOUR expense. Due to the date today, a truly awesome event in the stars and shit has come together. With this nexus of dark power built up, I now have the ability to tap into your world and control you all! You can call me the **_**Master of Puppets! **_**Now-**

"Excuse me?" Kyouko interrupted all of a sudden.

**...What do YOU want?** the author asked.

Kyouko smiled smugly and held up one of her index fingers in an arrogant way. "First off, your plan doesn't make any sense. It sounds like it was written by some fourteen year-old at three in the morning. And second-"

**SILENCE!** the voice called. In a display of the power of crack, a fucking RAINBOW shot through the room curved around, and shot Kyouko in the ass. One second passed. Two. Three...

Then the ditzy esper declared, "I HAVE THA POWER OF A THOUSAND SUNS!" And with that, the bitch jumped out the window. Yeah. You read that correctly. To make things worse, the author with a rainbow-machine lifted Kyouko back into the room and threw her against the wall.

"OWWW! THAT FUCKING HURTS!" Kyouko shouted, holding her shoulder.

**GOOD,** the voice called. Kuyou simply stood up, walked over to the girl, and bit her neck.

"EH?" Kyouko screamed out in pain.

"What are you, a vampire?" Fujiwara called.

"Do I LOOK like I sparkle?" Kuyou roared. Almost instantly, the ESP-user stopped screaming.

"..." Kyouko snapped. Actually, that was some sarcasm. The pig-tailed pest was in fact oddly calm as she picked herself up off the ground.

"I injected a few nano-machines into you, Kyouko. You should be recovering," Kuyou answered calmly.

**Oh, ho? I BEG TO DIFFER!** superstarultra exclaimed darkly, firing a rainbow-beam at Kuyou this time. It hit her directly in the face, causing the pale humanoid to fall down on her back. A dazed expression stared up at the ceiling.

"What have you done to Kuyou?" Sasaki screeched in horror.

**I just decided to make her a bit... livelier,** superstaultra cryptically said.

In the confusion that had swept up the room, Tsuruya noticed something crucial. "Hey, Kyon... Where's your sis?"

"...SHIT!" Kyon glanced every which way in the room- no sign of his sister. "What did you do with Imouto, you bastard?"

As if in response, the once comatose Kuyou leapt to her feet, hands up in the air. "I ATE HER!" she yelled, causing all eyes to fall on her.

Ryoko blinked, while Kyon fought the urge to scream. "Really?"

Kuyou quickly turned to Ryoko. "Actually, no. She's hiding behind Kyon. I felt like being random. Or stupid. I forget which. So similar..."

**She should be! For I am superstarultra! Lord of Darkness and Prince of Dragons! And in some circles... THAT WEIRD FRIEND YOU SOMETIMES CHAT WITH! And now your friend, Kuyou, is under spell that a friend of mine taught me!** the author cackled, while Kuyou began to dance to Yakety Sax from Benny Hill. Imouto continued to cower behind her brother.

"Say, SSU... Do you mind if we call you something else? Your real name is a hassle to say. Not to mention stupid," Fujiwara spoke bravely.

**...Sure. Call me Super from now on. Unfortunately, that won't last long. BECAUSE YOU'LL BE CALLING ME MASTER!** superstarultra (now Super) exclaimed, shooting Fujiwara with a beam this time. Fujiwara remained still for a few seconds... then he turned into a salmon in a tank of water. The bastard-turned-fish gurgled in fright. Everyone backed away. Well, except for Haruhi. She walked right up to the bloody sigil, hands on her hips.

"You got a lot of nerve bullying my friends and enemies like that! Only I can abuse and lord over them! So pick up your high horse and get lost!" Haruhi roared angrily, a fireball in her right hand. She hurled it right at Super's avatar in a display of power and hate. But the minute the orb of flame was only an inch in range, it reversed its trajectory, flew over Haruhi's head, and into the open mouth of Tsuruya.

The heiress made a gulping sound, followed by a smoky burp. "MMMMM! FIREBALLZ, YUM~!" Tsuruya jovially said.

**Hmmmmmmmmmm. I was actually aiming for Yuki and Itsuki with that. Oh, well. Now, Haruhi Suzumiya, I shall force you to admit your worst fears!** Super taunted, charging up a massive blast.

"NO!" Haruhi pleaded, actually afraid for once. She held up her hands in front of her torso and tried to summon her power, but felt it dwindling for some reason. "Not... Not..."

**Yes, Haruhi! Your worst fears of all... MONKEYS AND BANANAS!**

With a zap, Haruhi took the laser to the gut and slid back; she turned to face the crowd with terrified eyes. "IT'S TRUE! I, THE GREAT HARUHI SUZUMIYA, AM AFRAID OF MONKEYS! ...And to a lesser extent, bananas."

"..." said the children.

"Go ahead. Judge me." Haruhi hung her head while Super laughed his ass off.

"...Okay, I'm gonna go out on a limb here. Why the fuck would you be scared of either of those two things, Haruhi?" Kyon asked.

In response, Haruhi suddenly took on an almost insane expression and stepped over Fujiwara's fish-tank. "KYON! Bananas are my mortal enemy! They are the only fruit that does NOT secrete a juice! NO JUICE, KYON! How sick is that?" screamed Haruhi, waving her arms around like a mental-ward patient.

"That's... REALLY stupid. Even if you weren't being affected by the crack-beam."

"STUPID? DO COWS SECRETE CHOCOLATE FROM THEIR TITS NATURALLY? NO!"

"Miss Suzumiya, that doesn't make any sense! Remember in Chapter 14? You violated me with a banana! You were holding it in your hand!" said the still-frozen Mikuru.

"You don't make any sense!" Haruhi wittily countered.

"Now, Miss Suzumiya, if we can just take a deep breath and relax, we can sort out this entire mess. Monkeys are perfectly innocent creatures and an essential part of the animal kingdom," Itsuki said, wearing a phony-baloney smile.

"Oh, yeah, Koizumi? INNOCENT? I CAN GIVE YOU FIVE REASONS WHY MONKEYS ARE EVIL!" Haruhi ranted, raising a hand to count off the reasons on her fingers. "**ONE!** They have been to space first, and have therefore made deals with our future alien overlords in order to sell out all the other species. **TWO!** They are always annoying and evil in the media: Mojo Jojo from the Powerpuff Girls, that stupid monkey from Friends, those damn, dirty bastards in The Planet of the Apes movie, King Kong, Specter from Ape Escape, the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. I can go on! **THREE!** They ripped off that guy's nose in California just because he wouldn't give them anymore _fucking _CAKE. **FOUR!** Their diet consists mainly of bananas, which are chockfull of Potassium, while we humans subsist on McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, Taco Bell, and Wendy's for every day of our lives. THEY HAVE THE ENRGY! And finally, **FIVE**... they have opposable thumbs! All the better to hold weapons and steal our potato chips, wallets, and cameras with. Our _potato chips_, guys! Those poor, precious, salty flakes of goodness now nestled in the foul, filthy, conniving claws of those wretched beasts! **IS THAT THE WORLD YOU WISH TO LIVE IN, KYON? **Because I _certainly_ wouldn't want to!"

Kyon stared at the deranged key to auto-evolution for about a microsecond. "Haruhi... WE have opposable thumbs, too," Kyon said, moving his thumbs around.

"Ha! That's they _want _us to think!" Haruhi smiled, eyes shifting side to side.

**I hate to say it, but cock-rag over here has a point,** Super spoke.

"Thank- HEY!" Kyon roared. To subdue the raging straightman, the author sent another beam toward him. Kyon blinked once. Twice. Then-

"THIS IS MY RIFLE! IT IS MY LIFE! WE ARE MASTERS OF OUR ENEMY! 'TILL THERE IS NO ENEMY!" Kyon shouted.

"Great, he's gone all Full Metal Jacket on us..." Itsuki complained.

"THIS IS MY RIFLE, THIS IS MY GUN! THIS IS FOR FIGHTING, THIS IS FOR FUN!" Kyon continued, grabbing his crotch.

**You shut up now,** Super flatly spoke. Tired of his puppet's latest antic, the author sent the militaristic protagonist through the window.

"..." all in the room said.

**Yeah, yeah, I'm epic evilsaucegasm incarnate, so fucking what?** Super deadpanned, obvious pleasure trickling along with his voice.

"T-THAT'S JUST MEAN!" Mikuru cried.

**Oh?** the author asked, a devilish tone in his throat. **How about I force you to pant like a horny dog and hold your chest like a basket of ripe fruit? I was inspired by a friend of mine... **

"NO, WAIT! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME~!" the moeblob sobbed. Somehow, the others in the room could detect that the author just facepalmed behind the fourth wall. Sasaki and Tsuruya attempted to tip-toe from the room.

**Did you think I was NOT going to let you off my dartboard?** Super asked. Tsuruya gulped in fear. Sasaki had another reaction.

"I... I..." and with that, the former goddess fell to the floor in embarrassment.

"CHECK IT OUT, SHE'S PISSING HERSELF!" Haruhi roared in laughter.

"...Nyoro~n..." Sasaki sobbed. As everyone either laughed at or comforted the former goddess who had emptied her bladder on the floor, Tsuruya and Imouto toddled up to her.

"It's okay..." Tsuruya said nicely. Imouto rubbed Sasaki's back while staying far away from the growing puddle of Snapple, water, tea, Budweiser, and Rockstar Energy filtered through her body.

Tsuruya leapt up from the floor, anger in her yellow eyes. "You fucking MONSTER!" she roared.

"Yes?" Haruhi answered.

"I MEANT SUPER!"

"...Aww..." Haruhi sighed. The manipulator of the forth wall, however, didn't really care.

**Oh, dear. Is LOL Fang-tan angry? I'd better hide my cheese! **

"IF I EVER GETS A HOLDS OF YOU, I'M GONNA TEARS YOUR LIVER OUT YOUR ASS AND FEED IT TO YA!" Before the energetic girl could make due on that death-threat, two green-haired girls walked through the door. "M-MION? SHION? What are YOU doing here?"

"Simple. We're here to drag you to the fun place!" Mion said with a wicked smile.

"WHAT?" Tsuruya shouted. "NOT THERE! IT SMELLS LIKE BLOOD AND URINE!"

"You mean like Sasaki and the chalkboard?" Haruhi snarked. Somewhere in the world, a rimshot was played on a drum kit.

"...Yeah. Anyway, come on sis, time to go~!" Shion continued, slicing off her fingertip up to the joint with a knife, where it was then repaired by the Standards and Practices fairy. Letting the blood flow in the shape of a pentagram.

"NOOOOO! NOOOO!" Tsuruya roared.

"De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas~!" Mion spoke under her warlock hood (which looked like a burlap KKK hood with blood and candle wax splattered on it). In seconds, the three greenettes burst into flames and were transported back in time to Hinamizawa.

**...Nice kids,** Super sneered. **I think I shall now add even more fun! **With that, Super filled the whole room with light. Imouto hid at the last minute behind the costume-rack, unaffected by the crack rainbow, due to her for being so short and annoying. Ignoring the mean narration, Imouto peeked out and gasped.

Sasaki had grabbed Kyouko and they jumped out the window together, only to land on the goose-stepping Kyon below. Yuki, Ryoko, and Kuyou were performing the Get Down dance against their will, thrusting their pelvises towards one another while break-dancing in midair. Fujiwara was human once again, but he and a crying Mikuru were being forced to do the Caramelldansen. Fujiwara looked sick to his stomach, while Mikuru cried her heart out, hips swinging from right to left. As the time-travelers copied the bunny-ear movements, Kunikida was engaging the newly-revived Lucky the Leprechaun in a grueling duel of knives. The tiny Irishman went in for a quick stab to Kunikida's ankle, but was subdued by Taniguchi, who picked him up and bashed him into the wall repeatedly.

"Oh, ho ho ho ho ho ho~! You'll have to do better than that, boyo!" Lucky said with a sadistic grin.

"Huh? What could you do to- OW!" Taniguchi yelped as Lucky shoved his walking stick up the playboy's nostrils.

"That's the luck of the Irish for ya, old man!" Lucky cheekily said, mocking Taniguchi's hair color.

"Hang on, my future life-partner!" Kunikida cried, peeling Lucky away. He started pile-driving the imp into the ground while Taniguchi kicked him in his always smiling head. Once Lucky ceased to move, Kunikida threw his bloody and bruised body out the window before engaging Taniguchi in an uncanny tickle fight for no clear reason, Taniguchi taking the advantage because we all know the only chick he has a chance of hooking up with is Tsuruya.

Emiri sat in the corner, covered in emo make-up, fishnet stockings, skull jewelry, and crying as she cut her wrists with a plastic fork. "Kyon says I'm a monster!" she sobbed. Itsuki, on the other hand, was dressed in a combination of Sailor Moon and Doctor Gregory House's clothes. He swallowed a handful of pills, beamed girlishly, flew out the hole in the window, grabbed Kyon, Sasaki, and Kyouko, then sat down to smoke a bubble-pipe after retrieving them.

"Indubitably," he said with a light giggle, blowing a bubble the size of a bowling ball.

"Gee, Kyouko, jumping out of windows sure is fun!" Sasaki said with a mouthful of blood. "Aside from me accidently biting my tongue from when we smacked the ground, I must say that I can't wait to do it again!"

"I KNOW, RIGHT? Let's do it on our honeymoon!" Kyouko excitedly shrieked. Both girls threw back their heads and started to guffaw obnoxiously. Kyon continued to make military hand-gestures from his spot on the floor.

"I wish I was in brutal pain from falling from a great height!" Emiri murmured sadly to herself, trying to use her nails to claw her wrists open.

"...I am going to have such a messed up adulthood," Imouto said, her lower lip trembling. Tsuruya poofed into the room in a cloud of green smoke a second later. "Tsuruya! You escaped from those twins!"

"Yup! I sure did! I still gots most of the skin on my back and my fang still, nyoro! ...What's going on here?" Tsuruya gestured to the madness at hand.

"I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE! ...Hey, is that a cookie in your hand?" Imouto quickly asked. Sure enough, Tsuruya was holding something in her hand, but it wasn't a cookie. It was actually a golden medal on a chain with a purple jewel set into it.

"No! It's no cookie! It's a magical amulet! I snagged it from evil bitch number two before I got poofed back here. With this MAGICAL AMULET, I can summon forth the Banana King and help him prevent the opening of the portal in Yuki's vagina to summon forth 1,000 years of darkness, nyoro~!" Tsuruya exclaimed, an obviously crazed look flickering on her eyes. She was holding that talisman like an otaku with his K-ON! twincest doujin.

"A what in my _WHAT_?" Yuki practically shouted, still dancing.

**What the hell was I THINKING when I wrote that bit?** Super asked himself in bemusement.

"I... see..." Imouto started to retreat back to the safety of the costume-rack. By now, everyone had noticed Tsuruya's 'cookie'. Haruhi, who had been crying on the floor the whole time, heard the words 'Banana King' and flipped out.

"BANANA KING? No _FUCKING _way! That monstrosity isn't coming here!" Haruhi ran up to Tsuruya and snatched the cookie/amulet away.

"NO! WITHOUT THAT MAGIC, THE BANANA KING WILL NOT COME AND SAVE US!" Tsuruya cried.

"Uh... THAT'S THE POINT!" Haruhi responded, grabbing a conveniently placed hammer out of nowhere that either Beefcake The Mighty or King Dedede had left behind. "SMASHY-SMASHY~!" Haruhi screamed, taking a swing. Before the huge hammer could destroy the amulet, Tsuruya's foot swiped it away where it landed by Sasaki's feet, resulting in the floorboards being crushed into dust by the hammer.

"Oh! A delicious, mouth-watering, highly-nutritious oatmeal cookie!" the girl dumbly pointed out.

"You idiot! It's CLEARLY a chocolate-chip cookie! Moron!" Haruhi shouted back.

**All right, I have YET to see one of these, so...** Super trailed off, using his imagination to induce another pointless event.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kyon cried out suddenly as Haruhi picked up the amulet again.

**A big no? ...Better~!** Super said joyfully. Tsuruya dived over the cereal-covered table in the over-the-top insanity for the amulet... only to see it disappear down Haruhi's mouth.

"Hmm... Tastes like I might die..." the goddess said, stopping the insanity five seconds later with a window-shattering burp as the hunk of gold-plated lead and plaster sank in her stomach.

**...Wow. If I hadn't smelled a really bad plot-hole just now, I'd think some kind of poltergeist shot my DS off the desk and into my lap...** Super deadpanned. The author would have continued his speech, but someone interrupted him.

"OWWWWW! IT TASTES LIKE... BURNING!" Haruhi cried, falling to the floor in severe pain.

"What's wrong, Miss Suzumiya?" Ryoko asked in concern.

"Are you okay?" Hanyuu asked as well.

"...WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" everyone in the room (including Super) asked.

"Nyoro~n... Oh, I mean aauuu~..." Hanyuu sighed, jumping through the hole in the floor. Haruhi continued to moan in pain, holding her midsection.

"Gadzooks!" Itsuki cried, before adopting his trademark thinking pose, left hand caressing his chin as he began to speak out loud to himself. "Temperamental mood-swings, outrageous eating habits, swelling of hips, feet, chest, rear, and hands, vomiting in the morning..." Said soliloquy ended after the young esper emitted a gasp of Macbeth-style proportions and pointed a trembling index finger at the prone club leader. "GREAT SCOTT! MISS SUZUMIYA IS HEAVILY PREGNANT AND GOING INTO LABOR! WE MUST ASSIST HER IN THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH! MISS ASAHINA! BE A USEFUL CHARACTER FOR ONCE AND FETCH ME SOME GLOVES!"

"I'm on it!" Mikuru exclaimed proudly, giving Itsuki an understanding salute and dashing out of the room, while secretly plotting his demise for that little remark. Haruhi, despite being the center of attention, wasn't as delighted with that decision.

"The hell?" she roared, with all the charm and grace of a starving bulldog. "Koizumi, you fool! I am not-"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING," Kyon broke in, shocked by the sudden conclusion he had just jumped into. Then again, Kyon was always one flapjack short of a stack. You could hand the dude a lit stick of dynamite and tell him it was the key to keeping the time-line safe, and he'd still hold onto it. Mikuru arrived back again with the gloves and handed them to the esper/doctor/magical girl.

"Good work, Nurse Asahina! We'll need someone to part Miss Suzumiya's legs now! Who here has dealt with babies before?" Itsuki inquired, Haruhi loudly protesting in the background.

Ryoko raised a hand, smiling shyly. "I like to EAT babies. Would that help, Koizumi?"

"Not so much, I'm afraid, Miss Asakura!" answered the barely-unaffected Itsuki.

"Oooh! Ooooh! Let me help ya, Koizumi! I can do it!" Tsuruya jumped up and down like a puppy.

"Really? What is your experience, madam? Why do you think you can help Miss Suzumiya?"

"Because..." Tsuruya smiled dazzlingly and performed a small spin that ended with her bowing towards her friends, capped off with a dramatic zoom-in towards that hot and freakish face of hers. "...I got megas constipated once, nyoro!"

Silence in the room. Then...

"How does THAT count as experience?" thundered a disgusted Fujiwara, the girls making scrunched-up faces behind him.

Tsuruya just shrugged. "Well, they're pretty similar if ya think about it. Though, I think a baby will probably smell megassa better if you catch my drift."

"...You are an idiot," Yuki monotoned.

"WHATEVER, THAT WORKS FOR ME!" Itsuki squealed, kneeling in front of Haruhi's nether regions. He was kicked in the chin and sent flailing into Fujiwara and Kyouko. Tsuruya attempted to remove Haruhi's skirt and underwear but was kicked away, too.

The tsundere picked herself up and began walking towards the door, only to fall down again. "Stay away from me, you idiots! I'm not preg-" Haruhi grit her teeth in pain.

Then _it _happened.

_**PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!**_

At that point, a rather loud and unmistakable sound echoed through the room with its force. It was like an entire orchestra consisting of trumpets, tubas, and saxophones had gathered in front of a microphone and played all at once. A shimmering wall of green gas exploded right out of Haruhi's butt, parting her skirt slightly. Everyone looked on in morbid fascination as it smashed into the door, completely demolishing it into oblivion. The sudden appearance of the roaring gas-leak had the entire room stunned. Even the cameo characters were shocked... For a little bit.

"BWA HA HA HA! IT'S LIKE YOU BATHE ONCE A WEEK!" Emiri echoed in laughter. Everyone copied her action, pointing included.

"Shut up! JUST SHUT UP!" Haruhi came close to sobbing as another wave of Taco Bell, Pixy Stix, deep-fried cardboard, broccoli, asparagus, cottage-cheese, cauliflower, baked-beans, champagne, refried beans, Apple Jacks, and the stench of Indian food all spurted from her well-endowed ass. The guys kept right on laughing... until Haruhi's venomous gas began to make them all gag and retreat near the several damaged window.

Super was still laughing at his incredibly sharp wit- mainly because he lacked lungs through his way of communication.

"STOP LAUGH- Oh, christ! THAT **STINKS**! God! Excuse me, guys, but I need to punish the nearest shitter. Pardon me~!" Haruhi admitted cutely, walking through the non-existent doorway, blasting farts the whole time.

"Great gobs of gouda, it smells like a refinery!" Tsuruya muttered, fanning the smell away with her hair.

"The stench of death... and poor dieting!" Mikuru whined.

"Man, I may be an artificial humanoid, but I am starting to get dizzy..." Ryoko slurred, swaying uneasily.

"MY LUNGS ARE ON FIRE!" hacked Taniguchi.

Yuki held a hand to her nose, morphed her arm into a can of perfume and started spraying. "Hopefully this will clear up the smell of whale carcass in the sun for now..." Within moments, a soft, pink cloud engulfed the room and dispelled any trace amounts of foulness in it.

Kyon swallowed as much fresh air as he could and hissed, "Damn you, Super! I used to take pride in being in a crack fic that had some dignity! But NOW look! Using toilet humor ROBBED me of it! You've stooped to a whole new low!"

The symbol on the chalkboard seemed to ponder the statement- until it spoke a response of epicness. **I see what you mean, Kyon... Now, I'd like to flash back to old days. In the Bible, a bunch of kids ripped on a guy for not having hair, so God sent down forty-two bears to- I forget. Anyways, here are some critters that I can assure you have been used in every literal crack known to man. Get em', boys! **

At that point, forty-two rabid squirrels, turkeys, bunnies, ducks, and Ashakura leaped from the fourth wall and climbed up Kyon's pants. "OH, SHIT! GET THEM OFF ME!" Kyon screamed as the animals mauled, bit, and humped his legs, thigh, and pocket areas. "YOU BASTARD!" Kyon cursed out the author.

**Thank you!** Super tweeted from his spot behind the bloody spot on the board as the others attempted to help Kyon.

"CURSE THIS SHITFEST OF A FIC- WHY DO SQUIRRELS HAVE TALONS NOW?" Kyon cried in pain.

Tsuruya tried to eat a turkey, only to nearly get pecked on the nose. Ryoko grabbed at several squirrels running around in her skirt. Yuki and Kuyou struggled to grab the elusive Asahkura from Kyon's pants while feeling him up. Mikuru screamed her head off as a rabbit tried to eat her hair (it thought they were carrots). Everyone else was getting dive-bombed by ducks. Emiri watched the chaos unfold once more and exhaled noisily in annoyance. Irritated at being ignored during her depression, she clapped her hands together and caused the junk-data-composed animals to vanish and the chibi to be sent back to her own world.

Had they turned around during the small disaster, they would have noticed a river of blood (and V-8) pouring from the wall and into a puddle on the floor with a sinister chuckle...

**Meanwhile in the Girls' Bathroom... **

"C'mon... get out already... URGH! GET OUT OF ME!" A sound akin to a vuvuzela from the World Cup being played underwater was heard, followed by a splash. "Oh, yeah... That was good..."

Haruhi then exited the stall, whistling a jaunty tune, washing her hands in the sink of the girls' restroom. Had anyone else been around for what had just transpired, they would have died in total agony. The task had been rather hard to do, especially considering Haruhi's stomach was quite hardened from many years of booze, stuff eaten off the floor (three-second rule!), and the occasional fruitcake-smoothie.

"Geez, what kind of cookie WAS that? I better wash anything Tsuruya gives me before I eat it next time. She's always touching money and cheese all day..." Haruhi mused, soaping up her hands and grimacing from the atmosphere. "And man, does it _stink_ in here! I gotta change my diet some day. That Ruined Weekend Value Meal from Taco Bell probably wasn't a good idea for breakfast."

"I'll say, shortie!" gurgled a voice.

"Huh? Who's there?" From right behind Haruhi, the third stall from the right burst open. The toilet-lid popped up, revealing an ACTUAL great white shark. It stared at Haruhi and grinned savagely, the toilet-seat still hanging on its midsection as it slid itself out of the cramped space.

"...Computer Club President?" Haruhi dumbly asked.

"No way, shortie! I am the pimpin' toilet-seat shark, nyoro!" the shark shouted in a voice that was strikingly similar to that of Samuel L. Jackson's.

Haruhi's face became an opened-mouth smile and she jumped up and down. "Oh, goody! Are you gonna grant me all of my heart's desires?"

"Nope. I'm going to eat yo bootilicious ass in the author's name," grinned the toilet-seat shark, launching himself out of the bowl.

"Ah. I see. Well, then- YAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!"

The shark leaped from the toilet bowl and swam through the air to the goddess. "TIME FOR FOOD~!" the shark roared. Haruhi dived for the floor just as the shark slammed into the wall by her toilet.

"UGH! Smells like magical plot-holes and burning hair!" the shark snarled.

"Wait, you can tell that?" Haruhi asked.

"Of course. Shark noses can detect blood from a mile away in the water. The only thing YOU can smell is what produces smells that rot my gills."

"Wait, you're dying?" Haruhi questioned the shark.

"Well, unless I can get back in the water, I- SHIT," the shark deadpanned. "Whatever, at least I'll have a meal that stupidly cornered itself in the janitor's closet."

"DAMN IT!" Haruhi shrieked as the shark cornered her. "Jesus, Allah, Buddha- I LOVE YOU ALL! Wait, that reminds me~!" With a snap of her fingers, Haruhi shrank the shark down to a less threatening size.

"GOD DAMN IT, I'M GONNA KILL YOU, MOTHERFUCKA!" the goldfish on the floor gasped.

"Yeah, yeah, Blinky..." Haruhi picked up the pint-sized fish by the tail and tossed it in the sink.

"NOOOOO! I BE VANQUISHED!" the goldfish cried. Haruhi shrugged it off and went off to the clubroom.

**Back at the Clubroom...**

"Sup, losers! I'm back! And five pounds lighter!" Haruhi spoke, entering the gaping entrance to her room.

"KYAAH!" Mikuru shrieked.

"THE GASSY WONDER HAS RETURNED, NYORO!" Tsuruya roared.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER... AND SHE''S BACK!" Kunikida cried. All members of both brigades backed to one corner of the room.

"...What?" Haruhi asked innocently. "My system is free of that pagan cookie! Nothing bad can happen now!"

"**I'D HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH THAT STATEMENT, HARUHI-SAMA~!**" roared an all-too familiar voice.

Haruhi turned and nearly squeaked in fright at the sight of a bloody arm emerging from a creepy puddle on the ground. The arm was followed up by the rest of the body; a hideous human shape made out of a red ooze. It stood at about 5 feet tall with its limp arms to the side. The surface suddenly hardened like a scab, and burst forward in a shower of red dust and V-8 cans. In its place was a young male with black hair, a smug, little grin, and average-looking clothes you'd find in your dresser. He waved in a friendly manner at the horrified and sickened anime teens, and proceeded to remove a piece of dried blood that had gotten stuck in his ear. It was an odd transformation if you thought about it; going from blood marking, blood-monster, to mildly-annoying, omnipotent, young adult. Without a warning, the theme song from the Omen started to play from the Anti-SOS Brigade's boombox... only to quickly switch to the song "Tik Tok". Hearing this, the boy donned a 'LOLWTFBBQ' face and moved in to stomp the machine into oblivion. After reducing it to a pile of sparks and wires, he let out a deep sigh.

"**I fucking hate that song.**" Realizing he was being watched, he straightened up and addressed the children directly. "**Hello, my supernatural friends. I am Super.**"

"Don't patronize me! I know you from the silly previews and Castlevania knockoff in Chapter 56! Why are you not in the wall anymore?" Haruhi demanded.

"**Simple,**" Super oily answered, smiling as though he had won front-row tickets to a Toby Keith concert. "**By branching into your world and creating enough stupidity and pointless moments, I was able to absorb enough energy to physically enter your world of fiction. Had I tried to do it on another day, I would have had to craft an OC and project myself into him or her.** **And thanks to utilizing a certain forbidden power as well, I'm finally here! You can tell I'm more powerful by the way I've incorporated quotation marks into my speech! ...Swanky clubroom, Haruhi.**"

"Thanks..." Haruhi sarcastically said.

"What kind of power did you use to get here, if you don't mind me asking?" Kunikida inquired.

Super brushed some dust off his shoulders. "**I shouldn't waste my breath talking to a waste of space who barely has less than five fics written about him, but I'll indulge you. I used the mighty power of-**"

"Darkness?" Kyon guessed.

Super now openly grinned. "**No... Self-insertion!**"

A loud gasp seized the clubroom itself.

"Self-insertion? You beast! Even I wouldn't sink to that level!" Ryoko protested, hands curled into trembling fists.

"Self-insertion? You're... into that?" Taniguchi asked.

"**No, but knowing that the potential children you dispose of every night have a higher IQ than you do, I shall forgive you for your slip-up,**" Super concluded with a head-shake.

"...Eh?" Taniguchi said.

Tsuruya bent over at a forty-five degree angle to whisper in his ear. "He's sayin' that your sperm are smarter than you, nyoro!"

"...Time to RAGE!" Taniguchi roared, running for the author in an attempt to re-arrange his intestines. Super simply lifted his leg and let Taniguchi run into his outstretched foot, basically allowing himself to be kicked in the groin. The poor comic-relief character collapsed back in obvious pain.

Lowering his leg, the author scoffed. "**Pfft. Retard. Now where was I... Oh, yeah. Now that I've done 80 chapters in a year thanks to my friends and family, I have borrowed their power to let me... think of even more retarded and hilarious shit for you to do!**" the deranged author smiled.

"Let me think about that... NO," Haruhi snarked.

"Pass," Fujiwara sneered.

"I'm gonna back down on that..." Kyon uneasily said.

"DO NOT WANT!" Mikuru shrieked.

"Hell no, bitch," Yuki said.

"Lulz. Wait. NO," Itsuki replied. The rest of the Anti-SOS Brigade shook their heads, Imouto tried to leap out the window but was held back by her brother, Kunikida and Taniguchi flipped the bird, Ryoko took out her knife and slashed it threateningly, and Emiri did nothing.

"**...I see how you all feel. Maybe I can change your minds...**" Super gave off a Black Dahlia smile.

"Huh?" Kuyou asked. "Like how, Mr. Nintendo-boy?"

"**Well, how about I summon some of my Heartless friends? Maybe then you'll be more swayable to my demands if you're beaten to unconscious pulps first!**" the author cackled. Snapping his fingers, a purple mist erupted from the chalkboard.

"You don't scare me, you prick! That is the most overused plot device in the history of- WHAT THE FUCK?" Haruhi exclaimed. Standing in the cleared mist were seven Heartless. To be specific, the Powerwild Heartless.

Haruhi glomped Kyon in fright. "Mommy! HELP ME!"

**Across the City...**

"No way in hell, dear!" Naru called.

"Eh? What the hell?" Oruki asked.

"...Nothing dear. I had the urge to tell someone asking for my help to fuck off," Naru said.

"And it _wasn't_ that you wanted a cameo?" Oruki deadpanned.

"...Maybe?" Naru smiled.

"Whatever. I wanna see how that ugly barnacle story turns out!"

**Back at the Ranch...**

For those of you who are not familiar with Kingdom Hearts terminology, the main creatures faced in the game are a group of creatures called the Heartless- physical beings born out of the darkness of a person succumbing to the evil in their hearts. These monsters come in both Pureblood (all darkness and black-colored) and Emblem (artificially-made, plastic, and feral-looking) forms. Powerwilds are a subspecies of the Emblem family that are commonly found in the Deep Jungle world. They bear a strong resemble to monkeys with blue and purple fur, topped off with gold bracelets and sharp black claws. Easily aggravated and strong, their attacks include flying slashes, multi-hitting punches, sliding kicks...

Kyouko suddenly reeled back, clawing at her face and hair, which were now dripping with a mysterious purple and green slime. "THAT FUCKING JUNGLE FREAK JUST THREW ITS SHIT AT ME!"

...and throwing their own fecal matter at their foes. Classy.

"**Attack them, my pets! Rend them into pieces until they agree with my material! Oh, and don't hurt Haruhi, Ryoko, and Tsuruya too bad. I have some friends back home who might be willing to visit them to engage in special... **_**activities**_** with them~. Ki hi hi hi hi hi hi~...**" giggled Super, licking his lips. Ryoko and Tsuruya shuddered for the safety of their virginity. Haruhi would have shuddered, but she was too preoccupied with trying to control her bladder and clinging to Kyon like... well, a monkey on a cupcake. The Powerwilds started forward, hissing nastily and raking the air with their claws. Height-wise, they were as big as Imouto. Hearing what Heartless are capable of doing, the teens back up against the left wall, dangerously close to the gaping hole where the window once was.

"Haruhi, use your power to kill the Heartless! Or give us Keyblades! Whichever you want!" begged Kyon, sidestepping as a Powerwild tried to gut him.

"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I WON'T BE MEAN TO MONKEYS ANYMORE! I'll read Curious George in school! I won't laugh when King Kong falls off the building! I'LL GIVE YOU ALL CHOCOLATE-DIPPED BANANAS!" Haruhi sobbed, her crotch now pressed up against the back of Kyon's head. He prayed she hadn't drank a lot during the day...

Unable, to avoid cowering, Tsuruya turned to Kyon and Yuki. "I can't takes it anymore! I wanna go down fightin'! C'mon, guys! Let's kick some chimp-butt!" she exclaimed, grabbing their hands.

"Perhaps a more logical approach would serve better," Yuki said, not liking how sharp the claws on those monkeys looked.

"At least let me get down first!" Haruhi tried to hurriedly climb down her slave's back. Kyon gulped in fear.

"No way! CHAAARGE!" Tsuruya shouted (a little too eagerly), dragging her friends into the Powerwilds. Unfortunately for Tsuruya, Yuki, Kyon, and the unlucky Haruhi, Powerwilds don't fight like normal monkeys. The folks down at Square Enix had obviously programmed them with the mentality and skills of fucking ninjas.

And yet, the four idiots jumped into the Powerwild squad, prepared to kick ass. Unfortunately, kicking the ass of a Powerwild is like BASE jumping: If you don't know what you're doing, you're gonna get hurt. BAD. Within seconds, a dust cloud formed, with screams of pain and victory coming from the cartoon cloud.

"OW! I GOT YOU NOW!"

"THAT'S MY ARM!"

"MEGAS KICK~!"

"...Ow..."

When the cloud settled, Tsuruya had the skin from her forehead missing, leaving a bloody skull wound behind. Haruhi was limping funny due to a banana being shoved in her ass, Kyon was twisted like a pretzel, and all that was left of Yuki was apparently a hunk of bloody clothing and flesh with a shoe sticking out.

"...This sucks," the hunk deadpanned. "I got stuffed up my own vagina. This is so fucking magical," Yuki said.

"...Well... I didn't see THAT coming, nyoro~!"

"...Tsuruya, if I get out of here, I swear to Christ, I'm gonna kill you..."

The Powerwilds turned to the mangled group of friends and prepared to rip off their heads and devour their marrow. "Well, guys, I guess this is the megassa end!" Tsuruya wept.

"Great. I die in my own vagina. This is fun..." Yuki deadpanned.

"Bye, everyone..." Haruhi mournfully moped, still trembling.

"I'll see most of you in heaven. Good luck in hell, Haruhi..." Kyon said.

"...God DAMN it, I hate you..." Haruhi said. A light rustling noise brought the attention of the crazy crack monkeys to a box of Lucky Charms.

"Look! HEARTS!" Mikuru waved the pink marshmallow hearts around. "You want them? GO GET THEM!" Mikuru flung the treats out the window, where the Powerwilds leapt after them and fell to their deaths.

"THANK YOU, MISS ASAHINA!" Kyon leapt up and glomped Mikuru.

Mikuru smiled. "You're welcome!"

In the corner of the room, Super was incensed. "**IT COST ME 500 IMAGINARY DOLLARS TO GET THOSE BASTARDS HERE! Guess if you want an ass bruising done, you gotta do it yourself...**" Super snickered.

"...SHIT," the cast said in unison. Super clapped his hands together, and in flash of blinding, white light, the cast was restored to their normal school clothes and healed of any wounds.

"Now why, oh, why would you heal us? You clearly have the advantage, sir," Ryoko pointed out.

"**I'm a sporting type of guy,**" Super replied, making a hand gesture and pointing out the window. "**And when you play sports, you have to have an ace up your sleeve!**"

"While I'm grateful that you restored my body to its proper form, are you going to make any more crappy villain one-liners? That was hella lame," Yuki grumbled.

"**Crappy? This next thing won't be a piece of cake! ...BUT IT IS!**"

The dead Heartless outside collapsed into the stolen hearts they had absorbed long ago. The glowing objects hovered in midair , spun around in a circle, collided with each other in a huge explosion. There was a sound of a thunderclap from the center of the bright sphere that had been created by the impact. Instead of a jumbo-sized Heartless, standing outside the grounds of North High...

...was a fifty foot-tall cheesecake.

"Yup. LOTS of therapy for me!" Imouto chirped, twitching slightly while smiling like always.

"**Indeed, loli-in-a-bag. A giant cheesecake. Covered in strawberries plucked from a garden of evil, baked in a flaky crust from the grains and wheat of a field from the third circle of Hell, and filled with cheese that was curdled from the milk of an evil cow. Plus, ****whipped-cream topping that was made from the rancid teat of a fanged goat...**** It's power cannot be measured by a mere scouter!**" Super ranted, making more hand-gestures than a mafia boss.

"Drat!" cursed Itsuki, tossing his scouter aside.

"What about crushed graham cracker toppings?" asked Fujiwara, unable to take his eyes off the jiggling monstrosity in front of him.

"**Don't be stupid! THERE IS NO FIELD EVIL ENOUGH TO SACRIFICE SUCH A PRODUCT ON A BED OF EVIL! And chocolate shavings... BED OF EVIL AND CHOCOLATE!**"

"THAT..." Sasaki pointed directly up at the apparently sentient cake; the pastry tilting forward in an attempt to look down on the school. "Is the most RANDOM thing I have ever seen in all of my life. I can now die complete, feeling full of all the idiocy I should have encountered in my adulthood... as a teenager in my prime. Superstarultra, what in the world would possess you to create such a thing? _Please_ tell me! It's so... odd! Who creates a giant, evil cheesecake? WHO? It doesn't make any sense!"

"**Important thing to remember when dealing with me, kids: Sense has no meaning to me. It is merely a constant vibration of consciousness set forth by the law of the universe. Remember this when you bow before the pink elephant king. Oh, and don't take the arsenic. TRIANGLES!**"

"...What the fuck did you just say?" Sasaki bluntly asked.

Super shrugged and said with a laugh, "**Hey, if the chapter is going to play out like a drug trip, why shouldn't my jokes?**"

"LOLOLOL! 411 YOUR C4K3Z 4R3 B310NG TO M3! I W1LL OWNZ JOO! TYM3 2 G3T HAXXOR3D!" the huge cheesecake snarled with a saccharine voice that oozed contempt and hate. Translated, the dessert said, "Laugh out loud! All your cakes are belong to me! I will own you! Time to get haxxored!" And with that, the cake sprouted fucking candy-cane arms with rock-candy claws and went all Godzilla on the school.

"C4K3 SM4SH!" the cheesecake roared, crushing the Wind Ensemble club with its candy limbs. Moving its appendages, the candy crushed room after room and slowly inched its way to the SOS Brigade clubroom. "QUICK!" Haruhi yelled, jumping out the window and onto the grass. Member after member jumped and hit the ground, just as the candy arm struck the clubroom.

"Holy crap, nyoro!" Tsuruya shrieked.

Haruhi quickly took command, shouting, "Everyone that's supernatural! Pool your powers together and let's kick some cheesecake-ass! Everyone else, go fuck off and look cool!" Everyone nodded and either shot lasers, ESP-blasts, and metal spears at the cake or stood against the building wreckage- because standing next to fire is cool. Haruhi summoned a huge meteor to smite the cake, but it simply bounced back into outer-space after the initial hit. So did the other projectiles.

"DAMN IT! Why won't our powers work?" Haruhi roared.

"I'd guess that the cake is so light and moist that our attacks simply bounce off and or fuel it," Emiri explained.

"...WHO INVITED YOU?" Kyouko roared.

"Aauuu~..." Emiri sobbed. With that, the cake turned and grew a set of bug eyes and a gaping mouth.

"NOOOOO!" everyone cried, running for cover.

"I'MMA FIRIN' MAH LAZAR! BLAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" the cake roared, shooting a huge blue beam that obliterated the empty North High. If one could listen carefully, one could hear the screams of pain and torment from several previously-mentioned cameo characters in a certain clubroom for computers.

"**You know, my fics all share a universe...**" Super sighed from his spot in front of the sobbing Emiri.

"...And you tell us that now BECAUSE?" Haruhi demanded.

"**Because I wanna get this crap over with and goof off!**" Super exclaimed rudely.

"Fair enough," Itsuki said. Then an idea hit him! It was crazy, but it COULD work! Opening up a dimensional wall, Itsuki reached in and pulled out...

"HOLY JESUS!" Itsuki yelped, shoving a Pyramid Head back into Sensuality's AU. Reaching in again and struggling, he pulled out...

"FREEDOM!"

Fat Haruhi.

"THANK YOU, SIR!" said the blobby version of everyone's favorite, little god. "I'm free from Camp Chubbybuddy, Taiga, and- WOW! You guys all lost WEIGHT!" Fat Haruhi exclaimed in amazement.

Ryoko stepped up and began shoving the blimp of goo forward, grunting all the while. "Yes, we look hot. Look, a giant cake! How about you go and make your fat ass useful and-"

"YOU HAD ME AT CAKE~!" Fat Haruhi exclaimed, waddling for the giant dessert.

"**Huh? What the- WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? You're from that other story I started on! Speaking of which, I gotta upload those two chapters to it...**" Super mused to himself. While he was momentarily distracted, Fat Haruhi made her move, stepping up in front of the confused cake-monster.

"Sugggggggar!" she babbled and proceeded to inhale the entire thing within two minutes. "Yummy," she pronounced with satisfaction, letting out a burp.

"**MY GIANT CHEESECAKE! YOU MURDERER!**" sobbed the crack writer.

"Oooooh! You smell like fried-chicken..." Fat Haruhi said with a predatory glint in her eyes. She hobbled towards Super, a frosting-covered grin on her face, and pudgy arms reaching forward. Her creator saw this and jumped back in disgust.

"**Back off, tubby! I ain't your Clown Food!**" Super shook a fist in anger.

"NO WAY! I AM AT THE TOP OF THE FOOD-CHAIN! NOW DO AS I SAY AND GET IN MAH BELLY!" Fat Haruhi gestured to her wide paunch. With a roar, Super made a flourish and a shadowy puddle formed underneath the obese parody of a hot anime female. It swallowed her up to her neck. The author ran up to Fat Haruhi and raised his right foot.

"Don't send me back! I won't eat anyone! I promise!" Fat Haruhi begged. "I'll do anything for you! I'll sit on people you don't like! I'll eat food you don't want! DON'T SEND ME BACK TO THOSE FREAKS AND JERKS AT CAMP! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING! ...Except running."

"**TO THE DARNKNESS FROM WHENCE THOU CAME!**" Super melodramatically cried. He pressed the sole of his shoe down on Fat Haruhi's forehead. The chubby, tubby, and blubby girl was then sucked down with a _pop!_ sound. Growling, the pissed-off writer spun around to the smirking and nervous group of characters. He took out a double-edged scythe (that he shamelessly stole from Castlevania's Death from Aria of Sorrow) and pointed it at the smug-looking Haruhi.

"**You still have me to deal with, Haruhi! Your days of groping and being attractive while making questionable moral choices are over!**" Super threatened, preparing to unleash a torrent of mini-scythes, a la Touhou-style.

"Bring it, you hack!" growled Haruhi. She was about to unleash the true might of her reality-warping powers in hopes of giving her friends and rivals an opportunity to strike a blow against the villain. But what happened next was quite surprising. Kyon stood up in front of Haruhi and walked straight up to the writer. He just walked on at a slow and easy pace. The others were quite confused.

Haruhi became tense in an instant. "Kyon? What are you doing? Get back here! You don't have any powers! That freak will cream you!"

"Don't be a hero, Kyon! He might turn you into a sea-slug!" cried Imouto.

Kyon stopped his walking and pulled out a manila envelope from his blazer.

"**Oh? What's that, terms of surrender?**" Super asked in confusion, a bit of a leer playing on his lips.

"No, it's a book I've been holding onto for quite some time," Kyon said, handing over the folder.

"**Eh?**" Super asked, tucking the scythe in his right armpit so that he could open it. The words "Suzumiya Haruhi no Fukujyu" were outlined in bold red. Skimming through the pages, a grin grew slightly on Super's face until one image brought the deranged author to his knees in disgust. It was an image of Kyon beating up Haruhi. Getting worse and worse, the doujin concluded with Haruhi being Kyon's sex slave.

"**Holy CHRIST!**" Super shouted, vomiting behind what used to be the Glee club's room. The book fell open on a page of Haruhi getting down and dirty. The Anti-SOS Brigade gagged, Ryoko shielded her eyes, and Imouto nearly fainted from the shock. Even Taniguchi and Kunikida looked a bit squicked out. Emiri and Tsuruya just smiled.

"**Jesus, Kyon, that is DISGUSTING! What the fuck is wrong with you?****!**" the author exclaimed, slowly sinking in a plot-hole. "**What? DAMN IT! My only weakness! Unless it's creepy shit I haven't made myself, I can't stand it! WHY?****!**" Super struggled as the portal sucked his figure in.

"...Rule 34. Bitch," Kyon and Yuki said in unison. Haruhi walked right up to Kyon and smacked him hard in the back of the head.

"If that wasn't fan-made, I'd rape you in return..." Haruhi hissed poisonously, blushing heavily, too.

"Duly noted," Kyon answered back from behind Yuki.

Turning back to the slowly-disappearing Super, Haruhi kneeled down to face him, giggling a bit. "Looks like you weren't as powerful as you thought!"

Super reached out with his arm in an attempt to grab her neck, but was too weak to even raise the limb above nose height. "**Awwwwww, forget it. You haven't seen the last of me, SOS Brigade, Tsuruya, and Ryoko! ...And other people! I shall return! I have way too many ideas from legions of demonic friends and plenty of free time! One day I'll return with an army of the greatest fanfic writers I know! THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY! MWA HA HA HA HA H- acccccckkkkk! Oh, god, I need to stop doing that so much... I'LL GET YOU, HARUHI! ...Oh, who am I kidding. I'll always love you~...**" And so the fiendish author sank out of sight, most likely to retreat to the otherworldly realm known to some as "The Real World", leaving a cloud of smoke, confetti, and those lame plastic kazoos you get at birthday parties behind.

The group stared at each other. The school could be rebuilt no problem. But here stood several young men and women who would be forever changed. They had been to Hell and back, and stronger than ever. They could do anything they wanted now. Their hopes and dreams lay out on a platter for them to take advantage for them. With a smile, Kyon opened his mouth and gallantly said...

"Who feels like singing to the readers?" Kyon wondered out loud. Classical music from the fifties began to blare in the background as the children took out straw hats and wooden canes.

"All right, Kyon, you've convinced me, there are more terrible things! Than musical comedies where everyone sings~!" Haruhi sang with whimsy, gesturing to the other core three. The Anti-SOS Brigade and Ryoko glared a tad, but resumed smiling and dancing.

"There is something worse!" Mikuru sang with vigor.

"And it really does blow!" chimed in Itsuki.

"When a long running crack fic..." droned Yuki.

The entire gang now joined in, Tsuruya, Taniguchi, Kunikida, Imouto, Sasaki, Kyouko, Fujiwara, and Kuyou all dancing together in a line with jazz-hands before they kneeled down in front of a standing Haruhi."...opens with a cheesy clip-shooooooooow~!"

"Well, readers, we hope you have enjoyed the "You Got HaruhiRolled!" anniversary chapter!" Haruhi proudly said, tossing her hat and cane to the side. "Drop in a review and tell us how much you hated- er, LOVED it! Yes! Thanks for sticking with us this long! We'll see you all next chapter! Hopefully, it will make much more sense than this one! WATCH MY MOVIE AND BUY MY DVDS!"

"BYE!" everyone else shouted, waving. Well, except for-

"Wait!" screamed Kuyou, looking frantic. "After this chapter ends, I won't be able to talk anymore! And I have so much to say! Don't scroll down, readers! PLEASE! I LIKE HAVING FEELINGS! Don't make me a monster again! PLEASE!" Kuyou fell on her knees and started sobbing.

"...Should we tell her that she can speak for real in canon now?" Emiri piped up.

"Nah. Let her go on for five more minutes. This is quite amusing," chuckled Yuki, watching as Kuyou screamed at the sky.

Ryoko mimicked the infamous trademark action of Kyon and groaned tiredly. "Nagato, there are times when I ponder which one of us is more messed up. This is one of those times."

"SCREW THE RULES, WE HAVE BROKEN THE FOURTH WALL!" Tsuruya boldly declared.

"Stop stealing my thunder and go screw Taniguchi!" Haruhi barked at the genki.

"Nyoro~n," Tsuruya imitated her chibi- counterpart.

Taniguchi slithered up to the fanged-beauty and draped an arm around. "I think that's the smartest thing Suzumiya has ever said, dearest!" he beamed sleazily at her.

"...You got any cheese on ya?"

"Well, no, but-"

_SMACK!_

"OW! MY BOYS!"

* * *

**The End!**

Oruki Suzumiya blinked several times over the course of five seconds before bursting into earsplitting, brutal sobs. "THAT DIDN'T HELP AT ALL!" he cried, running off into the blank expanse of the white space in tears.

"Oh, dear, come back! You know that much crack isn't good for your heart-muscle, honeybunch!" Naru called after her husband, chasing after him. Nakagawa, Sakanaka, TCCP, TSCP, Shamisens one and two, Miyoko Yoshimura, the chibified Haruhi-chan cast, Achakura, Mr. Kimidori, Arakawa, Sonou Mori, Keiichi and Yutaka Tamaru, Miyuki Enomoto, Takako Nakanishi, Mizuki Okajima, Mai Zaizen, Okabe, Norio Yamada, Four-Eyes, Murkuro, and Kosaka Rikanji remained behind, glanced at each other as if to say something logical, and then gave up and collapsed into a dumbfounded heap.

"That... What... I don't even..." Takeo Suzumiya muttered to himself in the fetal position. He was dangerously close to exploding into tears. Mirai Nagato and Asami Asahina sauntered up to their half-brother, the former giving him a Rika Furude-esque pat on the head. The latter, however, just gave him a caring smile.

"Despite our difference in beliefs, dear brother of mine, the pain is over. The chapter has ended. We're free!" Asami said with a chuckle. The sound of his half-sister's laughter snapped Takeo out of his melancholy. He turned to look her right in the eye from his place on the ground.

"Don't say it...!" Mirai pleaded desperately, knowing what the time-traveler was going to say.

"Bu, Asami... We still have the last part of the court case to do!" Takeo shouted in despair.

The once serene expression on Asami's face gave away; a wide-eyed and slack-jawed look of realization in its place. "FUUUUUUUUUU-"

"...I told him not to say it," Mirai finally said over the screaming.

"I daresay that you did!" agreed Steve the dragon, taking a sip from his ridiculously over-sized cup of tea, while he adjusted his top hat and monocle with his tail.

"PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON~?" Mirai shouted with stars of happiness twinkling in her eyes.

"...No."

"Aauuu~..."

A furious Kanade Tachibana (or Angel) from Angel Beats suddenly popped her head into camera range from the far left. "WHY IS EVERBODY IN THIS CRACK FIC A FUCKING MORON?"

"ANNOYING, PINK AND BROWN-HAIRED, GUITAR-PLAYING, DEVIL-LIKE, MOE GIRLS ON MOTORCYCLES~!" Yui-nyan squealed, peeling right past Kanade on a screaming Hermes, K-ON!'s Whacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Castanet Hero Yui-chan riding along with her, and Kino giving chase to both of them.

"...Okay. That settles it. I need my mapo tofu. And I need it NOW..."

**The REAL End!**

* * *

**A/N: *insert all Final Fantasy victory themes***

**Well, dear reader, does your brain hurt yet? Or what's left of it? **

**Ladies and gentlemen, I eagerly await your reviews of "WTF have you been smoking?". Because honestly, I don't quite know. Feel free to post any lines you enjoyed in the chapter, because frankly, I enjoy it when folks do that. Many thanks go to BKE, MCK, nukerjsr, my sister, and numerous others for some joke suggestions, as well as ObsidianWarrior for helping me get this done on time. He's a great dude to work with! :D **

**Let's hope we can reach 1,000 reviews, people! We can do it! And, yes, that is an actual doujin a friend told me of. Was O_O-inducing. **

**And once again, happy anniversary!**

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	82. Lawyers, Money, and Seafood Soup: Part 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well... We did it!**

**1,000 reviews. It's been a long time coming...**

**Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, guys. You are all epic readers, reviewers, and friends. :) **

**You all really got me to get motivated enough to write and finish this crazy arc of an HR skit. This is the LAST part, okay? We get arguments, a ghost, RPG boss fight spoofs, and the reveal of a very petty offense. Also, Mikuru sings a bit of the "BACKIN' UP SONG!" from YouTube, nukerjsr. I hope you'll get happiness from it. More credit to all the folks who supplied me with jokes and OCs to use. I promise I'll treat them right. Again from last chapter, I only thanked a vast majority of people and friends who I knew through chats, and who reviewed HR at least more than once or at all (So sorry, Hejin57. You're still cool though).**

**Thanks for also enduring that anniversary chapter. I think I may have officially claimed the spot of "King of a Haruhi fic with the most over the top cracky antics in a single chapter". Let's face it. Giant evil cheesecake is stopped by an obese Haruhi Suzumiya. Try saying that with a straight face. **

**Now enjoy the last part of this arc. I can guarantee you will not see the reveal coming at all. It's that retarded. **

**

* * *

Lawyers, Money, and Seafood Soup: Part 5:**

"...Well, now... Now that... THAT'S over... how about we get on with this case?" Ultros said after, shattering the silence of the dead room, still twitching slightly after that odd chapter from the previous update.

"Yes. That would be a wise decision," agreed Yuki, visibly shaken. Her friends and fellow teammates shared her opinion, wide eyes and hung open mouths decorating their expressions.

"Miss Kimidori, _why_ weren't you wearing any panties last chapter?" Kunikida asked from the back, TSCP and Taniguchi seated between him and Emiri.

"Well, to answer your question, Kunikida..." Emiri put a finger to her lips in deep thought as she stared up at the ceiling. Before long, a wide smile graced her lips. "Mostly because... I ENJOY THE FEELING OF BEING FREE~! Now who would like to see me take off the rest of my clothes and dance around a little?"

With that, Emiri quickly sat up, her skirt fluttering up ever so slightly to reveal to Taniguchi of all people, that Emiri was NOT lying. "Holy crap, pantyless panty-shot," Taniguchi deadpanned, not having seen so much skin revealed to him in real life (and from someone as 2D as Emiri).

"A nice ass. One of the main reasons I hired her..." TSCP smirked wolfishly, Emiri starting to dance around like a tramp in front of him. He's an ass-man if you have guessed yet. As the minor character began to act like a whore, someone decided to spoil the fun.

"ENOUGH WITH THIS PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT ECCHI HUMOR! SIT DOWN OR ELSE I SHALL EAT YOUR HAIR LIKE A SERVING OF ICEBERG LETTUCE!" Belome roared, shaking his gavel. Emiri quickly sat down in fear and clung to TSCP (and flashing several lucky males and females, by the way). "Now what evidence do you present to MY court? This trial is already over! Haruhi Suzumiya is guilty of several heinous acts of being a sexy asshole. What brazen and wimpy proof could YOU hope to offer, you little... wimp!"

Haruhi and Kyon gulped and looked at Yuki- the key to their way out of this mess. Reaching into her pocket, Yuki placed a pair of identical glasses from the first season of their anime on the bridge of her nose. When she actually began to **smile** smugly, Ultros and Chupon shared an uneasy glance.

Could this uber hacker derail their entire scheme?

In the words of plot... I guess so.

"I happened to possess some very ground-breaking evidence that me and my time-traveling companion," Yuki gestured to Mikuru, being helped up by Mori and Arakawa from her big fall from last time, "just happened to stumble across. What we have found will not only clear the name of Miss Suzumiya, but also implicate the REAL criminals here. As well as unravel a plot so dastardly, so sneaky, so convoluted, that an anaconda with a growth-spurt would easier to untangle. Not to mention that I'll be exposing a villain so fiendish, so twisted, and so petty, that he will make Al Capone look like Elmer Fudd."

"Are you quite finished? I have a pancreas to eat soon!" whined Skar the Skarmory from atop his perch on the left side of Belome's podium.

Yuki lifted the folder and lightly hit the Pokémon on the beak. "Patience my fine-feathered friend. Now... to begin my statement of Miss Suzumiya's innocence."

"No! No! Stop saying stuff! OBJECTION! OBJECTION!" Belome yelled, slamming his hammer on his stand repeatedly. The defense and the rest of the room ignored his tantrum, and focused their attention on Yuki.

"Well, for starters, this thing reads "PROPERTY OF ULTROS- KEEP THE FUCK OUT, BITCH!", and it's a manila envelope. _Manila_. That ALONE should raise suspicion," Yuki said. The courtroom all nodded and murmured in agreement. "It also has very confusing words, something a villain is very familiar with. That, and there are a few pictures of Miss Suzumiya in there stamped with "Photoshopped by the Cowboys From Hell". HELL. A profane word. Also used by evil. And Hell is where Satan lives, and Ultros earlier commented that he despises Satan. So WHY would he go to "Cowboys From Hell" for photoshopping? Before I give you an exact answer, I'd like to offer the guilty party a chance to come forward and beg for Miss Suzumiya's forgiveness. Maybe she'll leave you with one of your eyes left, who knows? Speak up, crackas!" Yuki exclaimed, holding her arms out in a Jesus pose.

"I... I've been siphoning gas from cars for the past two weeks!" Itsuki announced suddenly, hanging his head in guilt.

"What?" Yuki exclaimed.

"I'M NOT A VIRGIN!" Kyouko shouted.

"I once ate an entire chocolate cake that Sasaki created for a test in her Home Economics class, and pinned the whole thing on Kuyou!" Fujiwara blurted out.

"I absorbed TV Tropes, Encyclopedia Dramatica, YouTube, Wikipedia, and Google into my own body temporarily for the sheer pleasure of just doing it and- HEY!" shouted the now-articulate Kuyou, glaring at Fujiwara.

"I cheat at Parcheesi!" moaned Sasaki.

"Okay, that's just-" Yuki was cut off yet again.

"I stole 1,000 yen from Kyon's wallet!" Imouto said.

"I stole 1,000 yen from Haruhi!" Kyon exclaimed.

Haruhi broke down into tears. "I've been counterfeiting 1,000 yen bills for years..." Haruhi cried sadly as Kyon and Imouto shot dark glares at her.

"_Enough!_" Yuki yelled in a rage. "Unless the crackas running this court have something to confess, I suggest everyone else BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS! Except for Miss Suzumiya, because she's likely to kill us all when this is over."

"FUCK YOU, YUKI!" Haruhi roared, shaking a fist.

Ultros just sat back in his chair. He seemed pretty mellow now about the whole thing. It's not every day you commit a complicated plot against a beloved anime icon and wind up succeeding heavily. Having a ton of gullible morons and archenemies of the person you are accusing helps a whole bunch, too. Phan-Phan and Doakes had recovered from their big fall from a couple of minutes ago and were watching what Yuki would say next.

The bookworm faced the group of varied fiends with a steely look and thought, _I'm onto you hoes._

_Just try to get me guilty, you tasty morsel... Just try... _thought Ultros.

_I've been handing out swine-flu and deadly beatings out all day, Miss Nagato... And I've still got both,_ Chupon thought nonsensically.

_I just wonder what Ganon- I mean, what my boss, Ganondorf is up to?_ thought Doakes, eyeing the Great King of Evil in the crowd.

_I just... wanna sleep. But I gotta get a yummy in my tummy!_ thought Belome, drooling.

_...Who was the bad guy in the movie, Tron?_ Phan-Phan thought to herself.

_I WANT CHICKEN, I WANT LIVER, MEOW MIX, MEOW MIX, PLEASE DELIVER~!_ Skar thought.

"So no one is going to say anything?" Yuki stated coolly. "You have five seconds to confess your sins to this room. I can wait a LOOOOONG time. Five, four, three..."

Ultros yawned and stretched his arms.

"Two..."

Ultros continued to sit and smile politely.

"Two and a half..."

Ultros was now sipping a tall frosty glass of iced tea, complete with a lemon wedge.

"...Two and three quarters..."

Ultros was now conducting a complete orchestra to sing the Canadian national anthem, complete with fireworks, ice sculptures, and a tap-dancing penguins.

"...Oh, FINE. Screw it. _**It was Ultros!**_" Yuki exclaimed with a sudden burst of emotion, pointing right at the purple invertebrate. The dead-on accusation caused him to drop his relaxed pose and crash right to the floor in a comical faceplant.

"GASP!" gasped everyone.

Ultros picked himself off the floor and dusted off his hideous suit. "I apologize, I tripped. Anyway, Yuki, if you have a problem against me, tell me outside of court, ya fruit. Right now, I need my money and Haruhi needs to go to jail!" Ultros flat-out roared.

"Fruit, huh? Bitch, I'M the one with the file. Not you. So sit down so I can reveal your plot. Miss Asahina over there can attest to my being truthful."

"NEVAR!" Ultros shouted, reaching for the file with his many arms. Yuki simply walked away, leaving a lazy solution to the problem in her path.

"Go, ahead, Miss Asahina. Tell them you were really with me," Yuki urged to Mikuru.

Mikuru looked around from her now standing position and brushed the hem of her skirt nervously as everyone stared at her. "Ummm, errr, well, you see... Ahhh, Yes. Yes! Nagato is telling the truth. Really! We saw the knight and the big elephant talking about tricking Miss Suzumiya. Then girl-Kyon popped up, but left for no reason. Nagato got the file, but then the scary knight got us after he turned into a cloud of bats. And then the elephant called a bunch of pink zombies to eat us. I was scared, but I knew they wouldn't be able to eat my brains. Because..." Mikuru took a deep breath and then said, "**I'm backin' up, backin' up, backin' up, backin' up. 'Cause my daddy taught me good! I'm backin' the hell outta there! And I'm like, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god! I'm backin' up, backin' up, backin' up, backin' up. 'Cause my daddy taught me good!**"

To enforce her point, Mikuru began to walk backwards a bit, looking from side to side. Understandably, everyone was beginning to think Mikuru added the wrong kind of _herbs _to her tea. Despite this, the time-traveler went on with her bizarre interpretation of the encounter. Hey, at least she's not grabbing her chest and panting, right?

Mikuru then pointed at Phan-Phan and Doakes. "**They said, "WE WANT THE FILE, EVERYBODY DOWN!". And I'm like, "OH, UGH! Why did I need a bathroom now?"! And soooooo... The guy in black starts comin' down, comin' down, down, down, down. I'm backin' up, backin' up, backin' up, backin' up. 'Cause my daddy taught me good! I'm backin' the hell outta there! And I'm like, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god! I'm backin' up, backin' up, backin' up, backin' up. 'Cause my daddy taught me good!**"

It was at the moment that Yuki suddenly acknowledged just _why_ the authors never let Mikuru do anything important other than lampshade stuff with her elder self in their fanfics.

"**And I think maybe I should faint. But I don't. NO. My daddy taught me gooood. **...And that's what really happened!" Mikuru answered with a salute.

"...Miss Asahina, I think that will be enough," spoke Yuki, putting an end to Mikuru's auto-tuning madness. Everyone looked pretty disappointed, now that they had to cease snapping their fingers to the beat.

"But, Nagato, Ultros is a victim! Miss Suzumiya beat him up and killed that watermelon manager!" Emiri protested, unable to see what was obviously wrong with her sentence.

"Yeah!" TCCP and TSCP agreed all too eagerly.

"Who killed a watermelon now?" Kunikida asked Taniguchi.

Taniguchi just shrugged his arms. "I have no idea. I'm just as confused as you are. Just be quiet and try not to get too dragged into this mess."

"Oh, come on... He said HIMSELF that he killed infants, was in yaoi crossover fan art, and he starred as an evil alien in a Lego music video! COME ON!" Yuki sighed. "Fine. Are you SURE these people are legit?" Everyone nodded.

Yuki nodded in reply, and simply responded to this turn of events by walking over to Chupon and flipping his hat off and into the jury crowd. "GASP!" everyone gasped again.

"No! I've been exposed! Nudified!- I mean- _RAH! RAH!_" Chupon faked, forgetting that only Ultros was supposed to canonically understand him.

"See? Perfectly clear Japanese, the hat comes off, and he's a floating monster. NOT a lawyer," Yuki stated flatly.

"RACIST!" Haruhi exclaimed.

"Shut up, cracka, I'm helping your ass!" Yuki snapped. "Besides, Belome and Ultros are also tied together _obviously_. They way they look and talk to each other... And don't any of you remember their conversation from earlier?" Yuki asked.

"Nagato. This is the work of a crack fic writer. Once a chapter is over, NOTHING is canon. It all resets." Kyon said. To prove it to the simple-minded straightman, Yuki pulled a laptop computer from Ritsu's portal-skirt (K-ON! Abridged reference) and turned it on, flashing back to the chapter where it all started.

"Now that I look at it, that IS suspicious..." Tsuruya said. Everyone facepalmed again. Man, there are gonna be a ton of marks later.

"Hey, you can't break the Fourth Wall like that! It's unfair!" Ultros whined, knowing the end was near.

"Bitch, I can break the Fourth Wall as much as I damn please. I can hax it, too. Because everything far and near from Yuki Nagato is her bitch," snarked the purple-headed alien.

"As much as I want to believe you, I am still unconvinced that Miss Suzumiya is innocent, and that Ultros is in the wrong," the usually sharp Mori stated, eyeing Ultros' tentacles warily.

Huffing and puffing in silent rage, Yuki stomped up to the stands like an angry duck. "Maybe THIS will change your mind!" she said, yanking off Belome's wig.

"OWWWWW! MY HAIR!" the sewer freak attempted to bluff.

"GASP!" Mori and everyone gasped again.

"Oh, stop it. That's getting old," Yuki said in annoyance.

"But his hair came right off! That means he isn't a real judge! I'm on a roller-coaster of emotions!" Kyouko exclaimed hammily, hyperventilating.

"I, too, am shocked by this sudden turn of events!" Fujiwara agreed brainlessly.

"Actually, I kinda knew something wasn't right from the start. I just wanted to see Haruhi Suzumiya go to jail," Kuyou chimed in. Everyone paid the same amount of attention to her as they would to Shamisen, Nakagawa, Miyoko, or Sakanaka- zero.

"Of course he isn't a real judge! This whole thing has been staged! It's a kangaroo court! A big farce!" exclaimed Yuki, losing her temper due to OOCness. She then opened the folder and pulled out the photos of Haruhi, the X pic of her at the library first. "Since I don't appear to be convincing you idiots, I'll show what I've managed to piece together from this evidence. This picture clearly makes out Haruhi Suzumiya to be borrowing these books under a disguise. While it paints her in a suspicious light, what tipped me off was the date at the bottom. This was taken on a Friday apparently. Am I right?"

"...Yesss," Ultros hissed menacingly.

Yuki nodded. "Wonderful. Because as far as I can remember, Miss Suzumiya has always secretly gone out to the library undercover to do to two things: Rent books, and borrow-"

"DON'T SAY IT, YUKI!" howled Haruhi, eyes wide with horror. "DON'T EXPOSE MY DARK SECRET!"

"...twincest doujins. Thus explaining why Miss Suzumiya didn't want to be seen."

"..." said everyone.

"...Fine! You want to know it? I, Haruhi "Ten Rapes a Second" Suzumiya... AM A PORN ADDICT! There it is! My hidden shame! Go ahead! LAUGH AT ME!" Haruhi exclaimed in hamminess from beyond the fourth wall.

"...We know that, Miss Suzumiya. We ALL knew that," Itsuki said.

"Eh?"

"Yeah, we didn't say anything because we didn't want you to get embarrassed," Mikuru said.

"R-Really? For realz?" Haruhi asked.

Kyon nodded in agreement. "Of course. We know how much you like fan-made hentai portraying twincest, incest, lolis, shotas, moe, tsunderes, pettankos, fat-asses, gays, fartknockers, yaoi, yuri, necropedophilia, sweaty fucks, rapists, chibis, lob-goblins, and-"

"THANKS, KYON!" Haruhi interrupted sarcastically.

Ultros watched from his seat. "...I don't know if I should be gaping in horror or laughing my ass off," the octopus deadpanned.

"ANYWAY..." Yuki continued. "On to picture Y, the beer picture. If one was paying attention, she was drinking Yebisu beer from the Sapporo Brewery. An even closer look revealed that the local liquor stores don't carry that brand. ANYWHERE. Not unless you're willing to travel at least 500 miles out of the city limits," Yuki said.

"Obviously, a fan must have imported it!" Ultros said, gritting his teeth.

"Yes. You are absolutely right. But tell me, Ultros... don't YOU have best friends in the Sapporo Brewery? A certain Misato Katsuragi, crowned Miss "Nuker Beer Drinking Competition Champion" of 2006 through 2008?"

The courtroom gasped. Ultros paled. Crap! Like a cheap prostitute in front of a gang of teens, he was officially screwed.

With a dramatic pose, Yuki grasped the final picture. "Finally, Picture Z. Willing to confess yet, Ultros?"

"Never! I AM THE GOD OF FUCK!" the clearly-insane octopus bluffed. "That piece of paper is obviously all lies! You got a book with blood on it, huh? Don't listen to her, folks! Resist! Anybody? ANYBODY resistin'?"

"Yeah. Oh, and I'd like to introduce you to two people who have been in the lobby all this time. Your hired detectives. Emi? Hiaso? Would you care to see your client's downfall from trying to fuck with justice?"

The doors opened and the two detectives walked in. "I guess that death..." Emi began, "...just got screwed," she finished, putting on her sunglasses.

"**YEEEAAA- Ow. I am getting WAY too old for this shit...**" Pete Townshend mumbled, leaving with the rest of his band.

"Anyways, your client used the two of you to help him in his scheme to help him make Haruhi Suzumiya appear moderately guilty. He played off your eagerness for justice and truth for his own twisted purposes. In other words... you got screwed," Yuki declared with the heartfelt charm of Hallmark card.

"Nu-uh! She's lying! Hey, Yuki! Your motherfuckin' communications is corrupted! Stupid bitch!" Ultros argued, tossing a glass of water that she easily dodged.

"I KNEW that guy was fishy! No pun intended. I told you we should have done a background check on him, but noooooooo! You and your David Caruso obsession wouldn't let me!" an angry Hiaso yelled at his handicapped partner.

The Kyouko lookalike growled and said, "Nuh-uh! I don't believe you!"

"Here's a piece of evidence that says otherwise," Yuki spoke, pulling out a piece of notebook paper with hasty pen writing on it. "Let's see... _'Dear, Mr. Chupon. Please remember to call those cops to help me nail that Suzumiya brat who crossed me. She must pay and it must look legit. Some actual fuddy-duddy little cops will help out big. Preferably cheap ones. Remember, I'm counting on you! P.S. I got that cripple joke you sent me yesterday. ROFL!_' Well?"

"CHEAP COPS? HE MUST DIE!" Emi shouted, Hiaso groaning at how easily swayable his partner was. Oh, well. She was still a hot potential girl for his harem route, so no big deal.

Ultros swore. His revenge plan was unraveling faster than the interest of a big celebrity's death. He would have to resort to his crazy back-up plan...

"Getting back to what I was saying, the biggest question of all would Picture Z. As you can see, Miss Suzumiya is in a drunken stupor and has apparently copied Ultros' play on the document lying on the desk. While we can assume Miss Suzumiya just copied some of the lyrics and just changed the names of characters and wording around to cover her tracks, something about this picture just didn't seem right to me. Miss Suzumiya, what do you see on the floor of your room? That white substance," Yuki said, walking up to Haruhi with the photograph.

"It's probably drugs that she snorted up! Yeah! The little coke and crystal fiend!" Doakes yelled, trying to buy time for his boss.

Yuki wagged a finger again and shoved the picture into Haruhi's face. "No drugs. See that torn bag lying on the ground near all the empty booze containers? What is that, Miss Suzumiya?"

"It's... flour? Yeah! Flour! I remember what happened!" Haruhi smacked her fist into her open palm. "I was so out of it that I got hungry and wanted to bake a cake! So I got some flour, brought it up into my room and was gonna put it in my Easy-Bake Oven! But I kinda spilt it and... I got up and... I can't remember anything else," Haruhi shyly admitted.

"But, Yuki, why would Haruhi having flour everywhere be important, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked, getting very interested in the case now. It was like a serious crime drama!

Yuki smirked like the big know-it-all on steroids from space that we all know she secretly is underneath all that Disappearance goop. "Because, my dear Tsuruya, if you look carefully down at the flour, you'll see several odd markings. Look closely."

Sure enough, the SOS Brigade, Tsuruya, and the espers saw that there were indeed strange patterns on the flour; most of them were large circles with the occasional whip-like shape that a snake would make in the sand.

"See? I told you. The shapes are obviously not Miss Suzumiya's footprints. And note the odd grey belt she is wearing. Miss Suzumiya HATES belts! Furthermore, her shoe-size is too small to make the prints. And what of these weird trails alongside them? I was curious as to where they came from... UNTIL I SAW YOU!" Yuki was now pointing dramatically at... Ichigo?

"Huh? I wasn't in the house!" the swordsman protested.

Yuki frowned. "Not you. Her!"

"Mudkip?" said the Mudkip.

"No!"

"Me?" said Takeo.

"NO!"

"M-Me?" said Mirai?

"NOT YOU, MIRAI!"

"Was it me?" said Tsukasa.

"NO! YOU!"

"Mama-mia!" said Mario.

"NOT YOU, EITHER!"

"Eh?" said Haruhi.

"DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! IT... WAS... YOU... PHAN-PHAN!"

Everyone gasped in astonishment as Yuki gestured at the big-eared elephant from the Kirby series that was absentmindedly eating a peanut. "Hmmmm? Me?" Phan-Phan asked, blinking a bit. "Oh. Okay. I guess I did kinda do it. Or not. I don't remember. Does anyone have a soda?"

Ultros was now slamming his head into a table, by the way. "Shut your god damned ass up!"

"Ah ha! I told you all... AGAIN! Phan-Phan was acting as the key part of Ultros' goal to frame Miss Suzumiya in the photograph! The circles were her footprints. The trails were caused by her trunk dragging itself along the around. And the belt? Miss Suzumiya had ingested so much alcohol, she COULDN'T have gotten up! The belt was Phan-Phan's trunk being used to guide her around like a puppet! Look and see!" Yuki shouted loudly.

Everyone leaned in as far as they could and blinked. Phan-Phan was indeed IN the photograph. Not hidden in the shadows or anything or out of frame- Phan-Phan was LITERALLY standing in the fucking picture plain as day with her trunk around the drunk Haruhi, making it look like she was walking past her window.

"...HOW DID WE MISS THAT?" Hiaso and Emi shouted in unison.

"Holy crap, Nagato! You're right! How the hell did any of us not even see this?" Kyon stared slack-jawed at the huge mammal in the picture- Phan-Phan, not Haruhi, in case you were wondering.

"Oh, my! Haruhi was innocent after all!" Naru said excitedly.

Oruki blinked before launching into a full-on rant. "WHAT THE FUCK? THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY DAMNED SENSE AT ALL! How the hell did a god damned two-legged _**ELEPHANT**_ manage to sneak into our house, go upstairs, traipse around in our daughter's room on the _**SECOND**_ floor, avoid being pointed out despite being _**CAUGHT**_ on _**CAMERA**_ by two detectives, and then just _**LEAVE**_ out the front door again without _**EITHER**_ of us noticing? HOW? HOOOOOOW?"

"Calm down, sir. I can explain THAT as well," Yuki answered, polishing her glasses.

Everyone stopped talking and whispering and looked at Yuki. What would this artificial humanoid say? What startling new piece of evidence would she unveil next?

"Because..." Yuki somersaulted several feet into the air and landed perfectly on Belome's podium (much to his annoyance), pointed her index finger directly at Phan-Phan and bellowed at the top of her lungs, "...NO ONE EVER NOTICES THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!"

Ultros scoffed. "Bah! That proves NOTHING! I still want my damn money and the girl in jail!" he bellowed.

Chupon nodded in agreement. "_Yes. Sir Ultros prefers his money like the girl should be: Kept in an iron box hidden away._"

While the two kept ranting, Yuki stood from her spot, walked across the room, making as much noise as a feather falling from the air, and plucked the glasses from Ultros' face. All in ten seconds.

"GASP!" the courtroom shouted. Stock crowd noises from South Park ("Peas and carrots" and "Rabble rabble") erupted through the room, too.

"I knew he was a fake!" Mikuru roared.

"So did we!" the espers exclaimed, quickly hanging up from the hotline to join the Church of Sasakiism.

"He's a villain?" Kyon shouted.

"No way!" Haruhi finished. It was official for Yuki- everyone here today was either a ditz or a retard.

His cover blown, the octopus twitched his bulging, crescent-shaped eyes, and tore off his tuxedo, buttons and fabric flying everywhere in pieces. "YOU GOT ME NOW, YOU GOT ME NOW, HUH? YOU FIGURED ME OUT! You fucking nincomfuckingpoop... Fine, fine, fine, FINE! I give up! All right, yes, I DID try to frame the Suzumiya brat! And I also MAY have forged pictures, made a judge go missing, hijacked a court room, and urinated on twelve copies of Endless Eight, but STILL! You motherfuckers are gonna pay for this bullshit court case soon... WITH YOUR BLOOD!" Ultros snarled like a cross between Dave Mustaine, a rabid badger, and Mio when she snorted crack off of Ritsu's ass that one magical night.

"And I MAY not be a real bailiff..." Doakes deadpanned.

"I WANTED TO BE BAD!" Phan-Phan screamed, completely out of character.

"RAH! RAH!" Chupon roared, actually roaring for once.

Haruhi launched herself from her triumphantly. "YES! YES! I am innocent! I told you all! I have beaten the system once again!" Haruhi paused in her cheering and gave Ultros a dramatic point with her index finger. "And, you, buddy, have been caught red-handed!"

Ultros drooled foam from his lips and spat out, "Yeah, yeah, YEAH! YOU GOT ME RED HAN-ED...You got me red han-ed... But admit it! I fooled all of you palookas! Mwe hee hee hee!"

"BOO THIS MAN!" Murkuro shouted at the top of his lungs. At once, all of the OCs began booing at Ultros and even made hissing noises. Naru even did the 'tsk tsk' thing with her fingers.

"Boo me all you damn well please~! I don't care at all~!" Ultros said, do some weird hip-swishing octopus jiggle-dance.

"...VUU THIS MAN!" Norio shouted, the jury taking out vuvuzelas from out of hammer-space. They blew on them together, sending out a small shockwave of noise that slammed right into the memetic miniboss. He teetered back, eyes rolling in his squishy skull.

"_**GAAAAAAAAAAAAH, MY ONE TRUE WEAKNESS BESIDES FIRE AND THUNDER!**_" screeched Ultros, clutching the sides of his head as he vomited a torrent of ink from his mouth in a sickened daze. Wiping his own fluids away, he began to formulate a new strategy. He would have his revenge on Haruhi still...

Oh, and Keiichi and Yutaka somehow managed to slip in Ultros' ink again. "OWWW!"

Belome instinctively scratched his chin with his foot, trying to come up with a last-minute escape-plan of his own. "Ah hah!" he exclaimed. "You guys forget that I am still officially judge as long as I have this gavel! So until I declare Haruhi innocent, she is STILL guilty! This trial is still officially real!"

Yuki raised an eyebrow as everyone groaned sadly. "I'm sorry. What were you supposed to say? I couldn't quite hear you..." Yuki mumbled, cupping a hand to her ear.

"I said until I say that Haruhi is innocent, she is still counted as being guilty in my eyes!"

"I'm really sorry, chubby. But WHAT are you exactly supposed to say~?"

Angered about the insult to his weight, Belome reared back to toss the hammer at Yuki. "I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY, 'I, THE JUDGE, FIND HARUHI SUZUMIYA NOT GUILTY', YOU IDIOT!"

The moment the beast threw the hammer, Yuki picked up Tsuruya's brief-case, and held it up, the gavel making a loud _CLACK!_ as it pounded against the side. "There you go, _Your Honor_," Yuki quipped, carelessly tossing the brief-case aside.

Belome blinked. "...AWWWW, CRAP!"

"_RAGAHSLAGAHBLAGAH!_" Chupon roared. You _really_ don't wanna know what he said.

"...Where the fuck is Kratos during all of this!"

**Somewhere at a Cute Little Bakery Downtown...**

"-so then some tubby bitch steals my snacks and I run into her at the camp I worked at. Some story, huh?" Konata said, seated at a tiny pink table.

"Indeed," Kratos replied, in the opposite chair. "I WOULD have advised that you suck it up and move on, but these cornets... they must be the shells from the beaches from the gods!" he finished, staring at the pastry as though it was Pandora's box.

"Yeah, but I was kinda craving doughnuts today. Too bad they closed today. I wanted to try the new flavors. Especially fried with bacon," Konata replied.

"Wow. Those Americans SURE do eat crap!" Kratos said, referring to the national pastime of clogging our arteries. Mad odd by the fact that he probably had no idea what bacon was.

Konata smiled and took a gooey bite out of her dessert. "Yeah. Hey, do you think you know where my pals are? I was supposed to meet them around somewhere today. Pretty hard to miss bunch. Their hair looks like a rainbow from afar. They said something about an octopus lawsuit, whatever that is."

"Ah, you must be referring to the case of Ultros versus Suzumiya. Now if I can recall correctly, they were invited for jury duty for that case- are you well?" Kratos inquired as Konata's face suddenly turned a shade of green.

"Peachy... Excuse me for a sec..." Konata replied, totally out of it. She put her mouth around a whole cornet and screamed as loud as humanly possible. Learning that you could have potentially met the person you worship with every fiber of your being will do that to you...

**Back at the... Oh, You Already Know by Now...**

"All right, guys! Hall these freaks away to jail!" Haruhi crowed contently, waving her hands at her esper minions. They marched forward along with Yuki and Emiri, ready to apprehend the criminals.

"Hope you all like jail-cells," Mori said cheerfully, taking out a pair of handcuffs out of her maid-apron. As Belome, Doakes, Phan-Phan, and Chupon backed against the rear wall in fear, Skar decided to speak up about an important issue that he wanted to address.

"Sooooooooo... no pancreas for me then?" he asked as humbly as he could.

"NOOOO!" several angry folks yelled at the Steel/Flying-Type.

"Awwwwww... I had this garlic saved up, and even a fancy China plate with lemon juice already on it... Must fight my emo urges now."

"You may take us down, but you'll never find that old judge! I hid him good!" Belome bragged with a toothy grin.

"Hey, everyone! Look who I found in a closet while I was looking for the bathroom! Can I keep him?" piped the voice of Mirai, walking into view with a bald man with a graying beard, and dressed in a black robe.

"...Well, that was a horrible hiding place." Belome facepawed.

"So THAT'S where the real judge was!" Haruhi said in surprise.

"You okay, sir?" questioned Kyon. He got out of his seat and walked right on over to the judge (henceforth referred to as just Judge from this point, due to him not even having a canon name). Noticing the length of rope wrapped around his arms, and the stretch of tape around his mouth, Kyon ripped off the tape first.

"Eee-YOW! That smarted, you young whippersnapper!" snapped an irritated Judge, wincing as some of his facial hair was ripped off of along with the tape.

"Sir, where have you been? It's been quite chaotic in here!" exclaimed Itsuki, waltzing up to Judge, alongside Mikuru.

"What happened to you?" asked the little mascot.

As Kyon undid the ropes, Judge furrowed his brow and said, "Well, the last thing I recall correctly was an odd-looking chicken-dog offering me a tasty doughnut in exchange for my trusty gavel. Then everything after that is a blank."

"I'M NOT HALF CHICKEN!" screamed out a ragged voice.

"Well, those guys over there tried to frame my best friend, Haruhi Suzumiya! They were the ones who knocked ya out cold! They're all a buncha bad guys!" quipped Tsuruya , pointing at the current antagonists of this parody installment.

"Hmmmmmm... That does seem quite suspicious..." murmured the man of the law.

"...And that yellow one with the red spirals and four eyes is wearing one of your robes, nyoro." "SAY WHAT! ARREST THEM! CALL THE POLICE!" And so the SOS Brigade was safe from forking over their hard-earned weaboo dollars, Haruhi avoided jail-time for the time being, the OCs all went home happy, and Tsuruya got some delicious cheese for her wonderful services.

The end.

...Okay, not really. Something else bad happened.

_REALLY _bad.

"...Has anyone seen Ultros?" spoke up Norio, deciding to offer up his two cents to the situation.

"Where IS Ultros, by the way?" Kyon said out loud, getting the attention of everyone. Several pairs of eyes turned towards the chair of the sea-going con-artist.

It was empty. Somehow, he'd slipped away during that previous transition scene.

"Where do ya think he went?" Tsuruya asked out loud to no one specific. That answer was shortly answered in about half a second.

"Whew~! This is heavier than I thought... it'll take me at _least_ FIVE MINUTES to drop this thing!" a voice growled from high above.

Looking up, the entire courtroom blinked in amazement at the sight of Ultros atop a large beam of wood in the rafters. At the moment, he was busy with pushing a large, black, two-ton weight with six of his arms. The octopus was a good ten inches away from having it lined up with Haruhi's position on the floor.

"What the hell are you doing up there?" Haruhi yelled from down below, wondering just how in the heck he got up there so fast, and with such a large cargo.

Ultros peered over and smiled. "Well, since getting your money and getting you locked away for a while was going to be my revenge for the ungrateful wrong you committed against me, I am just going to take the literal high road and just flat-out murder you in front of several witnesses. ...Does that make me a bad octopus?"

"It certainly does, you fink!" Kyon replied back, standing on the beam with Ultros, Yuki beside him.

"No way! How'd you get up here!" Ultros snarled shoving the weight faster as his buddies cheered him on.

Kyon smirked. "Do the words 'instant-transmission' ring a bell?"

"...Not really."

"...Oh."

Back on the floor, Emi was sobbing in a corner while the judge and Hisao attempted to cheer her up. "I don't get it! I've solved a shitload of cases before, so how can I be duped this ONCE?"

"Actually, you got Rin sentenced to death for shooting someone point blank, Shizune is in jail for failure to respond to a police officer, and Lilly is in jail for failure to describe a suspect. You're not exactly the best cop out there," Hisao said as he mentioned their handicapped, deaf, and blind colleagues.

"WAAAAAH!" Emi shrieked, while Judge shot the boy with a heart-condition a dirty look.

"Ya see why I hired these ass-clowns?" Ultros roared. "They're literally too stupid to do their jobs, so seizing money would be a- hold on." Ultros paused to knock the weight off of the support beam before Kyon or Yuki could get to him. "-be as easy as saying Ratajczyk~!" Ultros sneered as the weight fell down to hit Haruhi, who, at the time was currently trying to peel a penny stuck to a piece of gum from the floor.

But before the goddess could be squashed like an ant, a mysterious rope flew out to grab her by the ankle, and dragged her toward the jury's bench, just before a hole the size of a Volkswagen was torn in the floor.

"Wow! Thanks, Spiderman!" Haruhi exclaimed with joy, pocketing her new penny.

"Everybody gets one," the superhero said before flying out the window.

"Holy crap!" Tsuruya exclaimed.

"Daaamn!" Mori said.

"Jesus tit-fucking Christ!" Taniguchi said.

"...WHO INVITED YOU AGAIN?" the court asked.

"Tsuruya, remember? That, and I thought the cop over there was hot." Taniguchi pointed to Emi, who had stopped sobbing and made several rude gestures with her tongue and hands before waving hello. That is, until Chupon breathed in and used his Snort attack (with SARS and H1N1 flu viruses embedded in it) to glue the cast to the wall with spittle and mucus.

"Eww..." the lot said. Mio fainted, Rena reached for her cleaver in vain, Shion tried to shoot tazer way out, and Miaso tried biting the mucus until they started sneezing.

By this point, only Kyon, Yuki, Haruhi, Mikuru, Itsuki, Tsuruya, Ultros, and his crew were standing, not counting Kuyou, who was currently robbing homeless people elsewhere. "All right, you bastards, time to stop dicking around and send you to nursery school..." Ultros said.

"Tell that to the author," Kyon said broadly, dodging a bee's nest falling from the ceiling. Pulling out a rusty and blood-stained trident from Ritsu's portal skirt (again, that thing is like a freaking inter-dimensional closet), Ultros wrapped his arms around the weapon and thrust it in the main characters' direction.

"Time to die, bitch. Don't you know when you're screwed?" Yuki spoke in her tough voice, pulling out Early Cuyler's signature shotgun from her pocket.

"Oh, that is just fair," Ultros pouted, hefting his trident over his shoulder area. "Using a gun on the guy with a melee weapon. And for your information, no. mama always said I was a slow learner... But at least I never give up!"

"Well, what do you propose we do?" Yuki asked, cocking the gun.

Ultros placed one of his arms under his chin. "Well, I suppose we could- SUCKER-PUNCH!" There was a blur of purple as a tentacle lashed like a cobra at Yuki's legs, knocking her right off the perch. The small girl tumbled to the floor, her shotgun following soon after. Kyon attempted to grab her legs, but failed by a mere inch.

"NAGATO!" he cried in horror.

"That pesky arm of mine! Naughty, naughty number six!" Ultros mockingly scolded at his aforementioned arm.

"Well, I'll be damned." Yuki then searched her inner-strength in order to sprout a jet-pack, angelic wings, skin-flaps, or a pool of pudding to save her...as expected, nothing happened. "...I guess that crap only happens in well-built fanfics."

Down, down, down Yuki plummeted. For a moment, it looked like the only future character CD she would have in the future would be entitled "Incredibly Violent Splat", but that would not be so. Itsuki, Mikuru, and Tsuruya had quickly gathered under her spot and held out their arms to catch her. Too bad they hadn't decided on who would be the first to grab Yuki to break her fall.

"I'm the strongest here!" brought up Itsuki.

"I'm the softest one suited to a rough landing!" argued Mikuru.

Tsuruya smirked as Yuki continued to fall towards them. "Well, I'm-"

_CRASH! _

"...Nyoro~n," Tsuruya mumbled from underneath Yuki's back.

"Good lord, Nagato, how much do you weigh?" gasped Itsuki, lying under Yuki's torso.

Mikuru was pinned under the silent character's abdomen at the moment. "So... heavy... vision faltering... My...spleen..."

"I'm not THAT heavy, you insensitive oafs," Yuki snapped, reddening at the remarks made about her mass. Even alien females get embarrassed about their weight.

Back on the rafters, Kyon let out a sigh of relief at his potential future-wife being okay, and turned to face Ultros, who was preoccupied with picking his teeth with his trident. "Now it's just you and me, slime-ball." Kyon scowled at his foe.

Ultros stopped removing a piece of lettuce from one of his incisors and turned to look at the cynic, as though he had just remembered there was someone else with him. "And... why should I be terrified? Last time I checked, your own main love interest could beat you up. I think my chances of surviving anything you can throw at me are pretty damn good, ya big muscle-head."

"...Crap! He's right! Nagato! Haruhi! Anybody! Someone give me a weapon!"

Haruhi perked up at the prospect of helping her man and conjured up a small, black and grey, metallic handle out of thin air. "Here ya go, Kyon! The power of the beam sword trumps all!" She then hit button on the side, causing a thin, blue blade of light to come out with a _shink!_ sound-effect. With a million-watt grin, Haruhi tossed the weapon up to Kyon... only to have it snatched out of midair by a long length of red tongue.

"HEY!" the SOS shouted as Belome retracted his chameleon-like tongue into his mouth. He eyed the weapon for a second before he ate it, blade, handle, and all. A blank look appeared on Belome's face, only to be replaced by an Awesome Face-esque expression.

"MMMMMM... LEMONY FRESH~..." Belome said in a very deep voice for some reason.

"I would have guessed minty!" said Phan-Phan.

"Just needs to be able to kill people! Give me anything! Something!" Kyon yelled as he dodged the trident thrusts Ultros was giving him.

"Ya know, Kyon. I used to tell really epic jokes. Before I was a receptionist, I was a stand-up comic!" Ultros said as he stabbed at Kyon's feet. He then held up the handle end to his mouth like a microphone and smiled in a friendly matter. "Man, fellas, I just got back from a scat thread in 4Chan and boy am I _pooped_."

"...That's awful," Kyon replied, wincing a bit. By the looks on the faces of the captive audience, neither did they.

Ultros laughed this off. "But I got more gems! Like this one... I dunno, though, Kyon. I don't trust these internet tests. People put too much importance on them. For instance, my friend, Mr. Chupon just broke up with this girl because when they took the "WHAT FONT ARE YOU?" test. She got Arial, and he got Garamond. Apparently she just wasn't his _type_!"

Kyon groaned loudly. "That's even worse! GUYS, WHERE'S THAT WEAPON!"

"A bit busy here," answered Yuki, dodging Belome's tongue-lashings. She'd tried conjuring up other weapons (a tommy gun, a bazooka, a particle-dagger, a chainsaw, a katana, a boxing glove in a jack-in-a-box, a frozen trout, a board with a nail in it, a rubber-chicken, and a keg of dynamite), but Belome kept eating them all peanuts. Itsuki was fleeing from Doakes' sword stabs, Tsuruya was running from Chupon's drippy noses, and Mikuru was curled up into a ball and crying, completely forgetting Haruhi had given her the power to use her trademark eye-beam. Our favorite little savior, on the other hand, was staring down Phan-Phan, who was blinking at her with big, cartoonish eyes.

"You don't scare me at all!" Haruhi jeered, letting out a proud laugh... before the huge mammal crammed an apple into her jaws. "MMMPPPHHH!" As Haruhi tried to pry out the fruit that was clogging up her breathing, Yuki grumbled another incantation and prepared to hurl Kyon another weapon.

"This is my last resort. It had better work..." Yuki grunted as she prepared to hurl up a kitchen sink in her arms.

Belome's tongue instinctively reached in the air to intercept the sink, however, Yuki had planned on exactly this happening, and slammed the sink into his mouth.

"GURK!" Belome gagged as pain replaced flavor on his tongue. His body flew backwards into the rest of his "ass-pirate friends", as Imouto would put it.

"Looks like Yuki's pink sink was too much for Belome's mouth," Skar deadpanned, not noticing the mass giggling around him. Up on the rafters, Kyon was being pinned down by his blazer by two tentacles; the other six hovering around waiting to strike. Fortunately for the reader, this is NOT a hentai.

"What happened to flat-out murder, or false charges?" Kyon shouted at the octopus.

"Are you high, or just incredibly stupid? HARUHI LOVES YOU. If I crush your ribcage like an empty drink can, her tears would be the best vengeance I could ever wish for!" growled the swindler for everyone to hear.

"...You need help," Mirai said.

"You can't kill Kyon... I was going to eventually!" protested Oruki.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Four-eyes yelled.

"I'm a fucking villain, not a minor character! Never mind," Ultros said. "Now, Kyon, you're no Locke, Terra, or Sabin, so this little spell of mine will probably sting a lot. Run for your lives! Smell the rain coming! The water is on fire! **ACID RAIN~!**" Ultros pointlessly chanted as a dark cloud formed around him. Kyon shut his eyes as he prepared for death...

"NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT! TRY MY MEGAS POWERFUL TSURUYA TWISTER!" called out you-know-who.

"WHAT THE SHIT?" both Kyon and Ultros screamed out as a mysterious gust of wind shot them off the rafter.

"Help me, Jesus!" Ultros screamed.

"Help me, Spider-man!" Kyon screamed as well. Both of them looked at the ground rapidly approaching. "SOMEONE FAT GET IN MY WAAAAAAAAAY!" Kyon shouted.

"Hey! I have a glandular- MAH BACK!" Tsuruya shrieked.

"Oww..." Kyon rubbed his arm in pain.

"I save your life, and this is how you repay me?" Tsuruya slapped Kyon, pointing to the dissolved rafter.

Kyon then noticed something stuck on the wall. "Is it? No, can't be... SHIT," Kyon said, realizing Ultros was clinging to a separate rafter with a sneer that would put Fujiwara to shame.

"I live, motherfucker~!" Ultros smiled from his spot, right before he lost his grip (despite him having suction cups), and anticlimactically fell right off. "BWAAAAH! OOF!"

"Heh," laughed Haruhi, snapping her fingers a second later.

Ultros got up fall his spot on the floor and sniffed the air. "Say... What smells so good?" That's when he noticed the small fire that had been conjured underneath his rear. "Oh... IT'S ME! EEEEK!"

"I seriously need to make better career decisions," Doakes said out loud, having freed himself from the pile to toss a pitcher of water onto Ultros' burn.

"Ha! That's what happens when you mess with God! I don't even need my power to make you look stupid!" Haruhi teased, pulling down her left eyelid with one finger and spanking herself on the butt with her other hand. For those of you who don't know, this is technically the stronger anime equivalent of giving the finger.

Ultros looked up from his grill-marks and glowered at the tsundere, going right into his crazy preacher persona that he shifted between. "So that was YOU! Bitch, you must be trippin' on some serious balls. You a hard-headed ho, you know that? You ain't be understanding how the streets work. I gots ta be representin' or I ain't getting no respect. I'm gonna teleport my sexy purple self over there through a water puddle and knock some sense into yo punk broke ass with my ring-arm. I NEED MAH STREET CRED!"

"Wow. That wasn't offensive to anyone at all. I hope my dad kicks your ass," said Asami, happy her glasses protected her eyes from any sneeze residue.

"I'm gonna agree with my half-sister here. Our dad will beat you up. And that was a pretty awful boast," gagged Takeo, flabbergasted at that antics of the racially-insensitive octopus.

"...Can I haz street cred, daddy?" Mirai asked in her adorable tone of voice.

"WOULD YOU GUYS QUIT CALLING ME THAT FOR A DAMN SECOND?" Kyon hollered. His offspring shut their traps and looked ashamed of themselves.

"_What a terrible father,_" said Chupon.

"I have to agree with you there." Belome nodded in agreement.

"Why don't you all blow it out your ass?" Kyon roared with malice, shutting up the monsters.

"Don't talk to my grandchildren like that, punk!" the ever-raging Oruki shouted back from the wall. You'd think he'd be able to break out of his bindings, but, hey, plot.

"CAN IT OLD MAN, I'M VERY STRESSED NOW... Naru, you're still cool with me."

"That's very sweet of you to say~!" Naru replied with delight, while her husband looked ready to stuff Kyon in a fridge. The moment was ruined when a trident came and impaled itself in the wall over Tsuruya and Kyon's heads.

"Rats! I missed! Where's that Ritsu girl again...?"

"I'll takes care of that squid, Kyon!" Tsuruya announced, moving in front of him to protect him. Dusting off her little lawyer suit, and raising one fist in the air, Tsuruya wailed, "As Haruhi as my witness, I'll never be hungry again!"

"What the-" Haruhi began as Tsuruya fired out a homing wind-bomb out of her fist. Ultros saw it coming and stepped deftly to the side, letting the attack dissipate on the wall.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" he countered.

"...Did we seriously just reference Gone with the Wind?" Norio asked out of complete bewilderment.

Four-eyes shrugged. "Yeah, what was up with that?"

"Just because it's crack, doesn't mean it can't be classy!" Murkuro informed.

"...I _hate_ you all. Have I mentioned that recently today?" Oruki said flatly.

"Okay, everyone be quiet! I have had it up to here with you all! The buck stops here! I'm octopus royalty if you all didn't know! Me and my crew are offing you off right here and now, SOS Brigade! We're gonna settle it how we do in my world! An RPG fight! And when it's over, you'll-OH, LAWD, HAVE MERCY!" Ultros cried in pain, reeling back where Haruhi had just dropkicked him in the lip.

Haruhi beamed as Ultros set one of his fangs back in his gums. "If it's an RPG fight you want, it's an RPG fight you'll get!"

There was a giant flash of white light that engulfed the entire room. When it cleared out, the SOS Brigade came in from the left side of a plain and black field with, looking like a tacky retro painting. All five teens have been stylized in horribly emulated 16x16 pixels with about four animation phases each. Except for Tsuruya, who was sitting on a chair with a little flag she was waving in her hand. Ultros and his crew suddenly approached from the right. They're all drawn in shiny liquid 32x32 pixels per square inch and are completely still. This _obviously_ means they are major bosses! Oh, no!

"Ge-ha ha ha ha ha... A girl, a boy, a girl, a boy, and another girl... It was worth waiting for after all... And there's a tasty-looking green-haired one on the sidelines. Today is certainly my lucky day. I, the great Ultros, haven't had this kind of dinner in quite a while. I will slobber all over you!" Ultros taunted in a large blue textbox over his head.

Haruhi gawked in disgust as a mangled remix of the Final Fantasy 6, Super Mario RPG, Twilight Princess and Kirby: Nightmare in Dreamland boss themes began to play together with a backwards version of Super Driver. "What?"

"I needed a scary pre-boss line to go out on."

"Oh. Well, LET'S DO THIS!"

"Bring it, you... girl!"

"Huh?"

"I can't think of any good derogatory names to call you."

"Ahhh."

**Haruhi: 666/666 HP Need we point out the obvious joke here?**

**Kyon: 999/999 HP**

**Yuki: LOTS!/More HP than yo momma's! **

**Itsuki: 777/777 HP How lucky! **

**Mikuru: Weak/Not enough to be considered a Goomba's HP**

_**VERSUS...**_

**Ultros: 18,000/18,000 HP**

**Chupon: 15,000/15,000 HP**

**Doakes: 900/900 HP Really stretching it, since we know he can only take like six or so hits from the Master Sword... **

**Belome: 1,200/1,200 HP**

**Phan-Phan: 500/500 HP Same with Doakes, but with stars**

**BATTLE START!**

_Haruhi takes a wild swing with her wooden hammer at Ultros, but totally misses. Patrick Swayze she ain't._

_Kyon makes a snarky observation and facepalms. The enemy team takes a total amount of 50 damage._

_Yuki uses her Yuki Beam, Yuki Boost, Yuki Whirl, Yuki Blast, and Yuki Flash. All at the same time. 'Cause she is awesome. The enemy team takes a crapload of damage, but not enough to be killed. _

_Itsuki tries to heal the SOS with a Group Hug... but since no one is even hurt, he is hit in the jaw by Kyon. Minus 10 HP. _

_Mikuru used her Mikuru Beam! It's Super Effective! Doakes took 300 damage! _

_Ultros sprays a cloud of ink from his jaws. In addition to the SOS now acquiring nifty black sunglasses, they are now afflicted with Blind._

_Chupon coughs loudly, expelling a wad of thick green and white sludge toward Kyon. That sizzling sound you hear? That's his scalp slightly melting. 124 damage done._

_Doakes stabs his sword into the ground and reflects sunlight off his armor and off the blade's hilt. The light blinds Mikuru and causes her to trip into Itsuki and Haruhi, resulting in 70 HP worth of hurt to them, and a load of embarrassment for her. _

_Belome attacks Yuki with a bite. Much in the manner of Jack Frost, he nips at her nose. And her calf, and her neck. Laughable amount of damage. _

_Phan-Phan swings her trunk at Mikuru, resulting in a near-miss. By which I mean a hit. She nearly missed though. Enough damage to make Mikuru piss herself. _

_Ultros cheats and goes first. He hits Kyon in the ankle with one tentacle, strikes Mikuru in the gut with one, smacks Yuki's butt with two others, clobbers Itsuki in the groin with two more, and beats the hell out of Haruhi's face with the remaining... three? Four? Two? To be honest, I kinda lost count. A LOT of damage. Like about 200. _

_Mikuru musters all her courage to go again. In her terrified voice, she sings a song to Ultros- a song of the South. ...It's really, really offensive. 60 damage. _

_Belome chants, "Beholden, for I am become Belome, eater of memes. Feed me a meme, and I shall return a more powerful meme than the interwebz could ever imagine," and uses the moment of confusion to swallow the entire Brigade... then spits them out a second later, due to the combined flavors of Haruhi tasting sour, Mikuru tasting yummy, Yuki tasting bitter, Kyon tasting repulsive, and Itsuki tasting peachy. Mental-scarring damage of 80. _

_Itsuki tried to use PK Rockin'... but spaced out on how to use it, and smoked some pot instead, letting his friends sniff the fumes. Everyone's POW and DEF went up! _

_Hiaso joins the battle! Hiaso uses Arrest! Wild Itsuki used Flee! Hiaso automatically used HNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGHHH! in response. It had no effect... _

_Emi joins the battle! Emi used Steal! Got 1 Mikuru's Shoe(s)! _

_Phan-Phan rolls a fruit-cart at Haruhi. It stops within 4 inches of her, causing Haruhi to sigh in relief... until a high-speed car chase plows through the wall and nails it and her, for the obligatory 'high-speed fruit cart smash' scene. 116 damage. _

_Kyon complains about his lower back problem. Nothing happens. _

_Doakes' eyes gleam eerily. But Yuki's hentai-induced insomnia protects her from Sleep! _

_Yuki logs onto the internet and uses GameShark. The enemy team's HP is now lowered to 1! _

_In what is probably the most disgusting display ever shown thus far, both of Chupon's mouths suddenly vomit a bunch of blood onto the skin of himself, Belome, and Ultros, which immediately clot into huge scabs that pop off, healing all wounds. Doakes hand-waves this and chugs down a Red Potion, and Phan-Phan eats an apple. Half of team HP is recovered. _

_Haruhi throws massive a temper tantrum. The entire enemy team takes an infinite amount of ear and brain damage! Ultros was defeated! Chupon was defeated! Doakes fainted! Belome stopped moving! Phan-Phan became tame! _

**The SOS Brigade gained 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 experience! Ultros drops a treasure chest! Haruhi opens the treasure chest to get... nothing. Bummer.**

"Boy, when you have prosthetic-legs, you have to remember to be fashionable~! C'mon, Hiaso!" said Emi, dragging her partner and friend back to the wall to get stuck again, Mikuru's cute brown shoes in her grasp.

"But... But... The guy with the illegal substances!" Hiaso protested, weakly clawing at the direction of Itsuki, the esper making faces at him. Meanwhile, a sock-clad Mikuru was weakly sniffling.

Deciding to break the epic battle, Tsuruya stopped gnawing on Phan-Phan's leg. "Wait. This is _really _boring."

"Yeah, this _is _pretty gay. We're acting like fools in a Final Fantasy wet dream!" Haruhi agreed.

"Ya know what? I'm with stupid over there. I hate that whole time-gauge battle thing myself," Ultros said, stopping his next supposed form.

"What you guys should REALLY be doing is beating the hell out of each other like you were earlier!" Skar broke through the fourth wall and grabbed Yuki's HP bar in one talon, before tossing it to her.

"The bird is right. God, what fools we were," Kyon said, grabbing his own bar and rushing for Haruhi with the glass tube, slamming it into Haruhi's skull.

"OWWWWW!" Haruhi screamed, grabbing her own HP bar. Within seconds, the entire cast had their bars in hand, bashing each other's skulls in with them until they cracked, sending green goo onto the floor.

"MEGAS KICK~!" Tsuruya roared, flying across the room into Chupon, and giving his second face a black eye.

He didn't really like it. "_I have been blinded! The horror of it all!_" Told ya so.

While receiving a beating from both Kyon and Mikuru, Haruhi managed to squeak out something. "Why are you suing me? I didn't steal your shitty play, so I don't owe you jack!"

"Fuck you, that's why!" Ultros roared, barreling into her. Haruhi screamed and knocked aside Kyon and Mikuru, the whole group now in one of those cartoon cloud fights. Haruhi dropkicked, Kyon punched, Mikuru body-slammed, Yuki insulted the virginity of everyone's mothers, Tsuruya bit, Itsuki slapped, Ultros whipped, Chupon sneezed, Doakes slashed, Belome licked, and Phan-Phan lightly dusted off the dirt off an apple. Skar the Skarmory just observed the brawl with the rest of the room. The group of fighters than bounced towards the front door with enough effort to break it down. But before they rolled outside, we must go back a bit and show you what had transpired.

**A Few Minutes Ago... **

"You know what? You have a lot of unresolved anger issues, my friend," Kino said emotionlessly as Ryoko towered over her on the ground. The blunette had her pinned down with one arm, while other was trying to guide a knife into the motorcyclist's left eye. Naturally, Kino didn't want that to happen. Hermes would have voiced his thoughts on the matter, but a certain pair of Ryoko-chibis had tipped him onto his side.

"Kinoooooo!" Hermes whined piteously, trying in vain to right himself like a tortoise. It was pretty funny to watch.

Despite being in danger of having a piece of metal about to enter her brain, Kino remained surprisingly stoic. "It's very nice of you to have lowered yourself to human strength-levels as we fought. Very sportsman-like. Killing me ten seconds with metal spears would have been playing dirty. I admire that in you, Asakura. And about that whole yandere business. I'm sorry about that. The fans were the ones to start calling you that. It's just that you seem like more of a yangire to me. You tried to kill that one boy in the classroom, but you didn't love him. You just did it for science. Yanderes only act out of love and yangires are just basically insane without romantic intent. But you acted out of love in the movie. You think you could be both a yandere and a yangire? Because that would be really interes-"

"OH. MY. GOD. I can't believe you don't shut up! Just can it and let me stab you already! I want to hear that little squish sound _sooo_ badly!" Ryoko muttered, the knife going further down. It was just four more inches away from making Kino being subjected to the lovely topic of eye terror.

"...Well, I know _someone_ who won't be treated to my secret knife techniques."

But Phoenix was in the worst trouble ever. For AURyoko, Ryou, Achakura, and Ashakura were subjecting the poor lawyer to a fate most foul. They were toying him with an annoying torture of...

"Monkey in the middle~!" sang Achakura, tossing back and forth Phoenix's balled-up tie to her equally-happy friends.

"Hey, give it back!" Phoenix pleaded, running back and forth as the quartet threw his tie around.

"No way!" Ryou shouted, tossing the tie overhead.

AURyoko grabbed it and flung it in an arc. "This is just as much fun as stabbing people from behind!"

Ashakura jumped in the air and lunged for the tie. "I GOT IT, I GOT IT~!" she chimed like a six-year old. Unfortunately, she didn't see Phoenix grab her leg and send her flying. Phoenix grabbed his tie in mid-air, muttering something about damn midgets.

"AWW!" all Ryokos said.

"Nice try, but I'm much too smart to be toying with midg- CURSE YOU, GRAVITY!" Phoenix screamed as Achakura tripped him.

"GOT 'IM~!" Achakura chimed, reaching for Ryou's katana.

"Is this the end of Phoenix? Will-"

"Yes, this is the end, so stop with the narration!" Ryoko shouted.

_I'm fucked,_ Phoenix thought. _I'm bent over a barrel and these guys are about to fuck me. I'm finished... _

"_Phoenix... Phoenix... Phoenix... Stop doubting yourself... Those aren't the words of my old protégé... _" Phoenix snapped his eyes open from the pavement as a haunting voice began to shift through his head. "_Phoenix... Phoenix... GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP!_" the voice called out.

Phoenix recognized the voice instantly now. "That shrill, domineering, snippy tone... Mia Fey? Is that you?"

"_Indeed it is, my old pupil. I am speaking to you from beyond the grave. You have made quite a name for yourself. And Maya and Pearl are faring well. Anyways, I have come with a message for your time of need... To not give up, no matter how dire the circumstances ar-_"

"Wait a minute, Mia! You're telling me you're a ghost? But... that doesn't make any sense. How can you be a ghost? I saw you a few days ago. ...Alive. You were passing by to go solve a domestic disturbance! Canon deaths don't even matter in this city. Everyone just pops back to be used for fan-projects, so you shouldn't even be a ghost here! People cannot die here! Only if they are killed!" Phoenix pointed out.

_"...Well spoken words there, __**Shiro**__,_" Mia's ghost quipped, the sound of her brushing back her shoulder-length brown hair in annoyance shifting in the air. "_If you're going to play it that way, I'm a figment of your imagination, caused by repeated blows to your face and too much chocolate syrup._"

"...Huh. That makes a LOT more sense than!"

"_Back to what I was saying..._ _Don't give up just yet. The power to overcome this obstacle is in you... and in front of you. Laterz..._" Mia Fey spoke, leaving as quickly as she came. _"...Now where's that dildo- AW SHIT, THE MIND LINK IS STILL ON-_" Mia terminated the link before any more of the ghostly orgy could be broadcasted to Phoenix.

"...What... the... FUCK?" Phoenix exclaimed out loud, the only thing in front of being his brief-case, which was then picked up by Ryoko. She had her other arm turned into its white combat form, and had it coiled around Kino's torso, the pointed end aiming straight at her nose.

"Who are you talking to, porcupine-head? Your little bout of jabbering has me lose my concentration! Anyways, I might as well go through and dispose of your stuff in case someone comes looking for evidence. Here, open this thermos for me, Ryou. I'm kinda thirsty. Trying to kill an androgynous girl works up my metabolism," Ryoko said, taking a plastic thermos with red checkering on it.

_Wait... Thermos... Thermos! That's it!_ Phoenix thought. His idea was just so fundamentally stupid, it was perfect!

"Listen, Miss Asakura. I give up. I'm turning myself into your gang. Just let Miss Kino and Hermes go. Your job was just to get rid of me, right? Well, here I am. You can stab me right in the head. I'll even pour you a delicious cup of cocoa first. What do ya say?" Phoenix lied, hoping Ryoko wouldn't smell a trap.

However, the crazed chick with blue hair smiled, taking in the bait. "Well, I'm glad you're learning to see things my way then! Hurry up and pour it, sir. Chop-chop. Then I _might_ let Kino go. Maybe... Probably not."

"Ehhh, sure..."

Opening the thermos, Phoenix slowly poured some hot cocoa into the cup, handing it to Ryoko. "Thanks, dillhole." Ryoko brought the cup up to blow on it. And with one swift motion, Phoenix slapped the cup upward, splashing cocoa into the alien's eyes.

_**SPLASH**_

A second of silence, and an inhuman howl roared through the street as Ryoko fell to her knees, frantically rubbing at her eyes and face. Her blade-tentacle reverted back to her regular human arm, allowing Kino to get back a safe distance. Ryoko's once clean fuku and hair were soaked in brown stains. Ryou, AURyoko, Ashakura, Achakura, Kino, and Hermes all wore looks that pretty much spoke what they were all thinking: LOLWUT?

"Holy cow, that actually worked!" Phoenix remarked jollily.

"_By the undying legions of the Integrated Data Thought Entity! I'm drowning in hot, delicious cocoa! __**IT BUUURNS!**_" she screamed in unbearable agony. "Ow! It's burning my tongue! Ow!"

"Wow. I am ashamed to have any relation to you," remarked a disgusted Ryou.

"Ditto here," spoke AURyoko, facepalming.

"...Chocolate!" squeaked Achakura and Ashakura, jumping on their elder self to lick her face.

"Ahh! GET OFF, GET OFF, GET OFF, GET OFF! Just get off of me and do away with those moro-"

The sound of wood splintering down was heard as the mass of the SOS and many mini-bosses broke down the door of the courthouse. When it cleared, many of them were sporting black-eyes, missing teeth, bruises, bandages, crutches, bloody noses, skinned knees, and sore bottoms. Haruhi picked herself up and stalked on over to Ultros, ripping off the arm-sing she was wearing for some reason. She reared back and kicked him right in the side.

"It's been proved you're a fraud! Now why don't you leave me alone? You're so damn annoying!" she barked, kicking him again.

Ultros got out of the wheel-chair he was lying in and said, "The heck I will. You destroyed my honor the day I met you, Haruhi Suzumiya! I'll never forget how satisfied you were. Doakes! The _thingie_! Time to use it now!"

"What are you even talking about?" Haruhi demanded, pissed at not being given a straight answer. Doakes the Darknut tore off his bandages and hustled towards Ultros with some kind of wooden box. Ultros attempted to open it, but couldn't, due to his arms lacking unsticky fingers. Looking away in disgust, Haruhi spotted the man who would have been her lawyer and the lovechild of Yuki and Sasaki nearby.

"Heeey! Phoenix Wright! There you are! It's me! Haruhi Suzumiya! I was supposed to be your client for today but I had friend stand in for you. We won, but the guy suing me is kinda trying to kill me. I got it all handled though. So... how are you?" Haruhi greeted, brushing her dirty bangs aside to look like a lady. By now, her friends had gotten up to see what Phoenix had to say.

"Ummmmm... Just peachy, Miss Suzumiya. I am quite sure that Mr. Ultros there hired a few shady characters from your franchise to ensure I didn't make it," the spiky-headed man said, gesturing to the party of Ryokos. "But me and my ride easily handled ourselves. No problems whatsoever! Heh heh heh! ...I may need therapy though. Hey, who is that cloud-like... guy over there? With the second head for a tail."

"I think his name is Mr. Chupon," answered Mikuru, nervous at the groggy, but tuckered-out germ monster.

"Was he wearing a red coat or something with frills? A colleague of mine, Miles Edgeworth, phoned me a while ago, saying his favorite coat was stolen by a giant, pink, sneezing wad of cotton candy. I kinda thought he was just trying to gain attention after I whupped him so much in my last case! Ah ha ha ha, that Edgey..."

Itsuki scratched his chin in contemplation. "So they stole a coat just for the look of appearing fancy and sympathetic? ...Wow. They ARE douchebags."

"So, Mr. Wright, Asakura had something to do with all of this then, hmmm?" Yuki said dangerously stalking over to her former back-up's prone form. She grabbed the cocoa-covered ear of Ryoko and hoisted her up. "What did you do, Asakura?"

"Now I realize how bad this all looks, Nagato. But I'd like to plead the fifth on this one," Ryoko deadpanned. Ashakura winked a shark-eye at her and awkwardly attempted a thumbs-up, which looked more like a pickle trying to flip off a chef.

Yuki simply moved her grip down a bit more until her fingers rested over Ryoko's breast. "What. Did. You. Do?" Yuki said again.

"I'm still pleading the fifth- OWWWWWWWW!" Yuki's fingers gripped Ryoko's nipple with the force of a vice grip. "Oh! Nagato, not in public- OH GOD, THE PAIN!"

"What did you-"

"THE SQUID PROMISED US A SPIN-OFF WITH THE MONEY HE'D GET IN EXCHANGE FOR KILLING PHOENIX, AND THE MIDGETS, MY KOOKY TWIN, AND THE GENDERWARP FORCED ME TO DO IT!" Ryoko whined. Yuki released her grip on the blunette's left breast, satisfied with her answer.

"Goodness gracious, I think I felt it pop..." Ryoko muttered, casting a data-spell to obtain a bag of frozen peas, which she promptly stuffed down her bra.

"You bitch!" Ryou shouted.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Achakura sniffled, while Ashakura trembled.

"It was YOUR idea!" AURyoko screamed.

"SHUT UP!" Yuki screamed. "I don't CARE who did what, but you are-"

"Hey, what's going on?" Kino piped up, cutting off Yuki. "Are you friends with this person? She tried to gut me over a muffin if I can recall correctly."

"Who the heck are you?" asked Kyon, squinting at the small girl. Haruhi, Mikuru, Tsuruya, Yuki, and Itsuki just barely noticed her, too.

Kino leaned in and shook their hands. "I'm his ride. Name is Kino. I have a motorrad named Hermes. I'm a traveler. I travel places. I like to travel. Traveling is what I do. ...Did I mention I like to travel?"

From his place, Hermes frowned deeply (if he had a mouth anyway). "Hey, help me up here! What am I? Chopped tuna?" At once the others moved in to help up the disabled vehicle, propping him up with little trouble.

"Well!" chirped Mikuru. "It looks like everything turned out all oka-"

"**GIMME MAH PANCREAS!**" a roar from the courtroom exclaimed, as Skar broke through the window, a clove of garlic in his claws, and wings glowing white. Flying for Haruhi, the Pokémon snarled, aiming for her chest to knock her down with his Steel Wing attack. He would have succeeded, had she not slammed him into a brick wall with her epic god power.

"... I bit my tongue..." Skar complained, planting both claws into the wall to unstick his beak from it. He spun himself around and flew right at Haruhi again. "As your eventual monthly tormenter, I gotta say, I'm _strongly_ against this whole innocence thing!"

Haruhi scoffed. "Like you'll really hit me this time!"

"Oh, yeah, I will!" Skar cawed, opening his mouth and emitting a high-pitched shriek out of it, along with a bunch of orange sound-waves. The moment the waves reached Haruhi, she dropped her smile in exchange for the right to clamp her hands over her ears. So did everyone else in a two mile radius.

"My eardrums are dying!" Haruhi cried out in pain.

"And I can feel my Special Def. falling!" complained Yuki, also with a throbbing in her ears.

"For the love of all things made by Hayao Miyazaki... I want my dinner! AND I WANT IT NOW! Tasty organ meat, here I come~!" The iron bird-of-prey made a beeline for Haruhi's midsection. In her state, Haruhi wasn't able to lift her head up to even defend herself. Not even the others could help her. Except for Tsuruya, who remained unaffected by the metal Sound move, due to continuous practice sessions of high-pitched singing on her character CD songs.

_Oh, noes! Haruhi's gonna get gutted by that Skarmory! I gotta think of a smart plan and helps her out! She was countin' on me this whole day and I let her down an- Am I already in mid-leap to take the blow for her, nyoro? _thought Tsuruya as she flew into the space between Haruhi and Skar. _...Well, I'm dead. _

**Twang~!**

Rather than the soft flesh of Haruhi's middle, Skar's beak collided with the smoothness known as Tsuruya's forehead. He slid right over the two girls and plowed right into the very wall of the Court of Anime, Books, Games, Movies, Music, and Miscellaneous Affairs.

"Tsuruya!" Haruhi shouted, standing over the genki's prone form. "You saved my life! Even after I threatened you with prison rape!"

"Eh heh heh. Just doing... my job... Haruhi..." Tsuruya replied, wincing in pain as she clutched her side.

"Oh, no! Are you hurt! Did that titanium turkey get you?"

"...No. It passed. I'm good now. Just the after-effects of eating that megassa yummy stapler from earlier."

"...Groovy."

Breaking up the silence, Skar yanked his beak free of the stones and gazed around with a astounded look. "Well, _THAT'S_ a very stupid place for a wall~! Ha ha ha ha ha ha... Ha." He then fainted with black spirals in his eyes.

As Haruhi wandered off to go and check out some noise in the courthouse, Kyon pat Tsuruya on the shoulder. "I always knew your hard head would come in handy one day," he said, smiling.

"Awwww, shucks, Kyon... Wait, what does _that_ mean!" Tsuruya growled, making Kyon step away from her.

Peering into the window, the goddess saw the OCs, the police, and the audience all wiping the mucus off of them, and Ichigo sniffling in the corner.

"See? I told you to wait for help, but NO! You had to bite through fifteen inches of mucus and germs!" Guile told the swordsman off, while the Lucky Star and Higurashi girls were furiously wiping their shirts to get clean.

"UNCLEAN... SO UNCLEAN..." Ichigo muttered, trying to wipe off the grime on his sword. Dragging him along, the rest of the crowd filed out of the fictitious courthouse to gawk at Ultros fumbling with his wooden box still. After a bit, he popped it open with his teeth and held the object inside over his head as if it were Simba being presented over Pride Rock.

"Bwa ha! I finally got it out! Okay, Haruhi! You asked for it! I specially bought this from this weird old Morshu guy just in case things went sour!" Ultros explained, holding out the object. It was round, black, had a long piece of string dangling from the top, and had a skull and crossed bones drawn on the side. "It's yours my friends! As long as you can DIE! Haw haw haw!"

"...Is that supposed to be a rotten cherry?" Haruhi inquired, obviously not knowing her knowledge of cartoons to know what the thing was.

Ultros shook his head. "Of course not! ...It's just a bomb."

"Ahhhh... _JUST _A BOMB?" The crowd instantly went from weirded-out looks to holy-crap-this maniac-is-going-to-kill-everyone looks.

"Yes, I'm going to blow you and your buddies to kingdom come! Don't try to block it with your magic powers! I soaked this baby in enough Red, Green, and Blue Potions to protect it from a PMSing Zelda! Everyone, cover your two favorite orifices! I don't want anyone getting any eyes and teeth in them!" Ultros took two pieces of concrete that that been broken from the curb in all the fighting and scratched them together against the fuse. A spark ignited, and he prepared to hurl it with the motion of a Frisbee-player. Kino and Hermes saw this as a good excuse to quickly put some distance between them and the Brigade.

"See you in hell, Haruhi!" Ultros teased, winding up his arm for a curveball toss. In a flash, Ryoko picked herself off the ground and dashed over to Haruhi.

"Now, wait, Mr. Ultros! Let's be reasonable! I know you hired me to kill an innocent man, and my natural bloodlust only made it harder for me to stop, but I am begging you to not kill or hurt anyone! I see how selfish I was to want my own show with those real killers over there... So would you please put the bomb down and stop all this violence?" Ryoko gently asked the nutty sea-monster.

Ultros blinked repeatedly as if he had just recognized Ryoko for the first time, and said, "Oh, yes. Your own show... Now, Ryoko, sweetheart... _WHO SAID I'D EVEN DO THAT? _HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE~!"

Ryoko's sweet face of surprise contorted into an ugly mask of hate. "WHAT? You weren't even going to follow up on our deal!" The smug grin on the bomber's face said it all. "You... dirty, rotten, slobbering buffoon! Miss Suzumiya, take this knife and ram this into that jerk's skull for me! Pretty please~?"

"With pleasure!" Haruhi took the piece of metal from Ryoko's hand and expertly hurled it right at Ultros' face. The blade soared through the air gracefully on a collision course with one of his eyes...

...and missed completely by several feet, embedding itself right into the door of the florist shop right next door. Many a facepalm and sweatdrop were had at this moment.

"Well, we are fucked six ways from Sunday..." Kyon said, his headache worsening.

Haruhi remained in her throwing pose, her arm still outstretched as she looked on, struck dumb at her targeting skills. "...MAN! I suck!" The Price is Right fail horn quickly agreed with its own two cents.

**_WAH-WAH-WAH-WAAAAAH~..._**

"Huh... Well, if you need me, I'm going to be over there!" Ryoko speedily told Haruhi, slithering off with a big yellow stripe down her blue back. With Ryoko now out of the way, Ultros prepared to blow everyone to sticky chunks of salsa. Again, fate decided to fuck with him.

"Hold up everything!" Oruki, of all people, spoke up.

"But-" Ultros was cut off.

"But nothing! This arc has gone from intelligence to pure shit! I mean, crossovers are fun, but this is just word salad humor at the very LEAST!"

"Lampshades are being hung, ladies and gentlemen," Kyon deadpanned to the confused reader.

"Big Lipped Alligator Moment? How about Big Lipped Alligator ARC? Everyone is acting completely out of character! My own daughter has been depicted as a power-hungry, sex-obsessed, brainless nimrod! And that whole metaphor joke back there was so... LAME!" Before Oruki could continue, Ultros pushed him to the ground like an old woman.

"Hey!" Oruki shouted, picking himself up. "I outta kick your aquatic ass-"

Again, he was shoved to the ground. "What the hell-"

Shoved down. "Hold-" Again, shoved down.

After about two more minutes of this bullshit, Oruki simply decided to take a nap. "Fuck it, and stuff..." Oruki muttered.

"That's what I thought," Ultros sneered, not noticing that the bomb was still lit.

As the court erupted in mayhem, two unlikely figures were chatting away by what used to be the window. "So you're some kind of data thing with a passion for knives and bookworms?" Naru asked. Ryoko nodded in confirmation, eyeing Yuki hungrily. "That's deep, man..."

"Indeed it is. Tell me, Miss Suzumiya-" Ryoko would have continued, but a smiling Naru waved a hand at her.

"Don't call me 'Miss Suzumiya'! That makes me feel all old... Call me Naru! Everyone usually does, Ryoko dear! In all these years here, I have never met a such a well-behaved girl with such wonderful and polite manners such as yourself! My Haruhi could learn a thing or two from you!" Naru said, beaming at the girl with the murder-streak.

The blunette smiled in elation. "Thank you very much for saying that, Naru. Say..." started Ryoko, "do you have a FaceBook?"

"Why, no! I'll get one as soon as possible! We can share our hidden interests of cutting and pie recipes with others!"

"Splendiferous!"

Back with our current problem, Phoenix was attempting to use his vast knowledge of the law to try and talk Ultros out of handing over his bomb.

"C'mooooooon! Just put out the bomb and give it to me! Pretty please~?" Phoenix asked, doing his best to suck up. He even fluttered his Bambi eyelashes.

Ultros lowered his arm for a bit and glared. "Nope."

"Awwww, c'mon!"

"Nuh-uh."

"Pleeeaaase?"

"No."

"I'll be your friend~..."

"...Nah."

Phoenix turned to all of the SOS and rubbed his chin with a thoughtful gaze... before tossing his arms in a shrug. "Well, I tried."

"Gee, that must have been quite a challenge," Itsuki muttering, shooting daggers out of his eyes.

"Oh, wait! I know one thing I haven't tried yet..." Phoenix faced Ultros and pointed at him with left index higher raised high into the air. "_**HOLD IT!**_"

"Ack! That mildly started me!" Ultros squawked, startled by the accompanying sound-effect.

"Yes! Gets them every time!"

"Okay! Spill it, Ultros! I want you to tell me what I did to screw you over so badly! I didn't copy your work! I didn't backstab you in any way! So I'm going to ask one last time... Before you try to blow me up... WHAT DID I DO!" Haruhi demanded, jumping up and down like a Mexican jumping bean.

Ultros pursed his lips like he had just licked a lemon and said, "Fine. FINE! I'll tell you just why you did me wrong. It all goes back three months ago. Boys and girls get ready as I prepare to tell you a story."

"A story? that sounds wonderful. Let's go and listen, Naru," Ryoko chirped, guiding over her giddy new gal pal.

"A story? I hope it has ghosts in it!" Naru said eagerly.

"Yay!" squeaked Mirai, sitting down on the curb next to her time-traveling brother and sister. "Uncle Ulty is going to tells us a story! Does it have ponies? Do they breather fire?"

Ultros' right eye took on a bloodshot look as he opened his mouth and screamed, "DO I LOOK LIKE READING RAINBOW TO YOU GUYS? AND FOR THE LAST TIME ALREADY... And mind you, I already explained this to Relm... DON'T CALL ME _**UNCLE ULTY**_!"

Mirai sniffed. "Uncle Ulty is mean!"

"Ugh... Anyways, I shall tell you the importance of my story..."

"Oh, no..." moaned Kino and Hermes as everything got really cloudy. "Not-"

"...in a flashback!"

"DAMN IT ALL!"

_****Flashback****_

_Ultros sighed as he boarded the city wide Fic City bus one rainy evening. He had just come from the Final Fantasy Dissidia cast party, and was tired after his brawl with a rather drunk and flamboyant Kuja. Being picked as a Summon for the game was an honor and he had been happy he'd been shown as an octopus. Not as some lame-ass Flan-type monster like in his other cameos. It was pretty packed, so he had to stand and grip onto a pole. Glancing to his side after twenty minutes, he noted a very miserable-looking Haruhi standing near him. She was wearing a sweater and coat combo, and had a tissue to her mouth. Tears dripped from her sleepy, puffy, red eyes, and she stifled a cough. He'd heard of her anime and thought it was a pretty damn good show. Hot, too. Cursing the rain for the recent cold bug infestation, Ultros resumed to stare at the window in front of him, smirking as the raindrops that had formed the shape of a pair of breasts. They reminded him of a certain esper. All was well. _

_Until IT happened. _

_"AH-CHOO!"_

_A spray of mucous and spittle flew from the teen's mouth and splattered onto Ultros' head. He shut his left eye in on reflex, and shuddered. He quickly dug around in his purple overcoat for a tissue to wipe the goo away._

_"I hate this cold..." came Haruhi's stuffed-up reply. "Oh, good. My stop..."_

_Ultros looked up from getting his tissue and saw Haruhi already walking out of the front of the bus. He had to stop her! She hadn't even said 'excuse me'!_

_"Wait, Suzumiya! Hey! Hey! Get back-"_

_But he was too late. Haruhi was already out of the bus, the door slamming shut between her and Ultros. Already they were peeling away from where she lived. Ultros pressed his face against the glass and snarled like a hungry dinosaur, fogging up the glass._

_"One of these days... Just one of these days... I'm going to get you... I'll get you, Suzumiya! I'll get you!"_

_C.C. the bus-driver turned to give Ultros a dull look. "Please get your face away from the door, sir." _

_"Oh, go and get Edgar Roni Figaro's chainsaw rammed up your ass!"_

_"Been there done that, sir..." _

_****End Flashback****_

"And that is why I have my grudge against Haruhi Suzumiya and all that she stands for!"

It suddenly became rather quiet in the middle of the street. So quiet, that the passing tumbleweed rolling past decided this stupidity wasn't even worth its time, swore loudly as it donned its bowler hat and suitcase, and then opted to roll away in the direction it had come from. The first one to break the awkward silence was Yuki.

"...What. Seriously. The fuck, Ultros? The fuck?" groaned a really peeved Yuki. slapping herself in the face.

Mikuru cocked her head to the side. "Eh?"

"That is retarded," agreed Itsuki, shaking his head in disgust.

"...I can't even muster the snark to say how petty and senseless that is. You do it, Haruhi," Kyon uttered, his right hand massing his throbbing headache.

"What the purple washboard, curvy maid, psychic fairy, and personal-slave said!" raged an angry Haruhi. "That's what this whole mess was about? A fucking _sneeze_? You hatched a scheme to steal my money, wrecked my reputation, manipulated people, made fake evidence, shanghaied an entire courthouse, and attacked me and my friends... JUST BECAUSE I SNEEZED ON YOU!"

"Indeed!" Ultros saucily snapped.

"A feud between a pint-sized virtuoso and an egotistical octopus.. Do I even wanna know what's next? ...Damn. I think my IQ just dropped about fifty levels," Four-eyes remarked to no one in particular.

"Shoot, with all the crap that's been going on in this fanfic arc, my IQ's already been hurled into the negatives. I didn't even get to present any of my evidence!" retorted Takeo, rolling his eyes.

"It seems to me, that your IQ was _already_ in the negatives before any of this even happened, you video-game-playing, greasy-haired, hat-obsessed otaku," Asami snarked all too happily.

Takeo twitched and poked his finger directly into his rival's creamy throat. "You're one to talk, you home-wrecking, swiss-cheese for brains copy of Ms. _Classified Information_."

Asami dropped her young fawn in a meadow look and replaced it with the look of a angry rhino. "Watch where you poke me at. I mean it. I don't like being touched."

"Heh heh. Whaddaya gonna do? Bitch-slap me with your implants?"

"...You choke on your hat now."

The moment the two time-travelers lunged at each other, they were intercepted by Mirai, who tacked them in a bizarre glomping move around their waists "Noooo! You two can't fight with each other! YOU'RE TEARING US APART!" she howled in forgotten sibling angst, her two siblings trying to free themselves out of her hold before she chocked them.

"FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT~!" Murkuro, Four-eyes, and Norio encouraged, eager to have their attention diverted away from the idiocy that was Ultros.

"Slightly-neglected grandfather here, craving for attention from his children from alternate time-lines and such..." grumbled Oruki from his spot on the ground.

"Hmmmm? Did you say something, dearest? I was chatting to my new friend, Ryoko. She's a very lovely young woman. Would you like to meet her? I'm sure you two will hit it off!" Naru said sweetly, looking as though she had just spotted her husband for the first time. Ryoko stepped up and kneeled down to his level.

"Hello, sir!" Ryoko exclaimed merrily, gently shaking Oruki's hand.

"...This is so effing magical."

"So let me gets this straight..." Tsuruya said slowly, recovered from her stapler-induced indigestion. "Ultros did all this for gettin' sneezed on? ...Why?" The Agency espers who were standing next to Tsuruya stared at each other, baffled.

Except for Mori, who turned who Tsuruya and held out her arms to the side, and exclaimed, "...CHEESE."

After the chorus of angels stopped, Tsuruya raised one of her green brows. "Why cheese?"

"It's as good as any answer in _this_ mess!" the maid declared in exasperation.

"...True, nyoro."

"Now, Ultros... Let me make it perfectly clear to you that staging a kangaroo court to get back at someone who sneezed on you by accident is generally considered **BATSHIT INSANE **these days, you walking sushi-platter!" the ribboned-tsundere declared, waving her hands over her head. "Why go through all this trouble? What do you do when someone bumps into you on the street? Stage a hit on their family? This is a whole new level of insanity that my show hasn't even _seen_ before. Why all the plotting and scheming? Would it even matter if I said I was sorry?"

"No!" Ultros spat, crossing four of his arms in a prissy manner. "It's too late for sorry! You know how much crap you blew at me? A LOT. Some of it got near my mouth! I think I even wiped off a hair or something. What kind of dickwad would get on a bus while sick and then go off on her merry way without excusing herself after hacking up a loogie on an upstanding member of octopus royalty? You, that's who."

Seeing no way out of this, Haruhi began to count to Pi like her father, thinking that if she focused hard enough, she could find some legal loophole out of this mess. After much thinking (and ignoring Phoenix's repeated question of, "Am I still getting paid?"), Haruhi opened her eyes. She had found her answer.

"So I sneezed on you and didn't say I was sorry, huh, Ultros?" Haruhi haughtily said, waltzing up to the mentally-challenged cephalopod.

"Y-Yeah..." he started, started to worry about how close Haruhi was getting (despite how huge he was compared to her). Wouldn't you be scared?

"Well..." The goddess poked him right where he should have had a nose. "You were just as much in the wrong as I was!"

"WHAAAAT?"

"Young lady, where are you going with this?" questioned Judge. wanting to know what Haruhi was aiming at. Phoenix looked on, too, eager to see where this was all leading up.

"I'll tell you where I am going with this!" Haruhi shouted, spinning around to the crowd dramatically. She leaned over and jammed her finger into right Ultros' chest area as he continued to stare up at her. "Because the foggy memory of that day is clearing up to me, Ultros. I remember being sick but having to dash off to shop for cosplay for Mikuru! They were closed so I had to go home early. And I recall sneezing on some short purple guy in a brown coat on the bus. I didn't think on much of it... But as much as I should have excused myself, you still should have had courtesy, too! Because you never even said..."

Men, women, children, aliens, time-travelers, espers, lolis, OCs, and monsters held their breath, eager to hear what the goddess was about to say.

...

...

...

"TO SAY 'GESUNDHEIT'!"

The moment he heard that, Ultros' jaw practically fell to the street and he screamed in horror. "NOOOOOOO!" IT CANNOT BE... BUT IT'S TRUE! I WAS WRONG ALL ALONG! I WAS JUST AS MUCH TO BLAME AS SHE WAS! MY GRUDGE WAS MEANINGLESS! ARRRRRGGGGGGH!"

"Told ya!" Haruhi teased.

"Brilliant work right there, Haruhi! You did it!" cheered Phoenix.

"HOORAY FOR HARUHI!" the crowd gleefully sang.

"...Fucking stupid crackas," Yuki huffed, crossing her arms together over her chest. Kino and Hermes shared one look before they quickly sped off for the nearest TGI Fridays to escape this lunacy.

"You just wanna leave them all like that, Kino? Don't you want to see how it all turns out?" Hermes asked as his engine was started.

"Hermes... Just shut up and drive. I'm starting to actually miss that fighting-arena we went to that one time." With that, Kino and her motorized friend sped off into the sunset for a preferably saner location to visit.

Back to Ulty and pals...

"I now see the error of my ways, Haruhi. I should have taken a good look at what I had done and not blamed it all on you. I promise that from now on, I will be a proud and upstanding octopus. I will never threaten, swindle, steal, or otherwise cheat to gain something that I want. I will never blow something out of proportion ever again. Cross my heart and hope to be chopped into sushi. I hope that we can all forget the random ugliness that happened on this very day. I didn't even want all of your money. half of it as going to go to the Foundation of Out of Work Mini and Midbosses. The head of it loved my idea? And I had to think of how I could help pay for Crocomire's plastic surgery operation! Will you forgive me and think of the children, Haruhi?" Ultros said remorsefully, his voice dripping with sincerity as his pals played tiny violins.

And somewhere in the crowd, the lone Waddle Dee shifted his eyes nefariously before he silently slinked away into the darkness to check up on his favorite bandana...

**_DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!_**

Haruhi narrowed her eyes. "Of course not. You ruined my entire day. I will neve-" As if on cue, Kyon, Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki slammed their elbows into Haruhi's sides, cutting her off and turning half her innards into a fine jelly. "GAH! My ovaries...! ...YES! I forgive you Ultros! I forgive you! I'll even donate money for your group's cause! Now let's never speak of this again."

Ultros wiped the sweat off his head. "Whew! Thank goodness you forgave me! I don't know what I would have done! I probably would have killed myself in a brutal manner!"

"_Like by continuing to hold that bomb in your grip, sir?_" asked a curious Chupon.

Ultros laughed. "Yes, Mr. Chupon! Like by holding the... bomb still in my... arm..." Ultros' eyes darted the still lit bomb in his clutches, the flame slowly inching its way to the end of its trip. "HOLY MALBOROS FUCKING A BEHEMOTH! THE BOMB! YAAH! As a token of our new friendship, take this bomb~!" Ultros quickly exclaimed, throwing the bomb to the tsundere.

"HEY! YOU TRAITOR!" Haruhi threw the bomb toward Kyon.

"ASSHOLE!" Kyon threw it to Mikuru.

"Piii~!" Mikuru threw it to Itsuki.

"NOT COOL!" Itsuki tossed it to Norio.

"This is the second time you've screwed me, you fruity esper!" growled Norio, flinging it to Mirai.

"Is this a gift for me? What it?" questioned Mirai, frowning as Takeo and Asami grabbed the bomb simultaneously and flung it to Ryoko.

"Thanks, but I prefer blades better!" quipped Ryoko passing it to Kagami.

"OH, GOD!" Kagami tossed it to the still-sniffling Ichigo.

"No..." Ichigo rolled it to Rena.

"WOW!" Resuming the life-or-death game of hot-potato, Rena threw it to Kuyou.

"HELL, NO!" Kuyou burst out, flinging it back to Ultros, just as the fuse burned out. "Eh.. EH... YAH!" He hurled the device at the unmoving Yuki.

Thinking quickly, Yuki hurriedly tossed the bomb across the street, where it rolled past the sulfur mine, the natural gas refinery, the oil well, and the birthplace of Richard Gunpowder, the inventor of lighter fluid.

"What oddly-placed buildings..." Kyon noted. Finally, the bomb came to a rolling stop at the Kanokon building.

**BOOM! **

...Before exploding and leaving a smoldering crater where the cast of Kanokon _used_ to be. Smoke, flames, bits of glass, and wood splinters littered the smoldering hole in the empty lot. A toasted tail belonging to a fox landed right at the feet of the mortified group on onlookers. It lay there sizzling for five seconds, before Belome picked it up and slurped it down.

"Mmmmm... Tastes like pork..." the denizen of Kero Sewers drooled in a haze.

"U-ULTROS, YOU MON-" Haruhi began, ready to explode at the guy who had just caused a chain-reaction that resulted in fiery death. Ultros, however, waved an arm to calm down Haruhi.

"Cast of Kanokon, barley have any fics at all, and not all that good," he said a-matter-of-factly.

"...Never mind~!" Haruhi gladly tweeted, picking a smoldering thumb from her hair before smoothing it out.

"So... sorry for the bomb-"

"Zip it, tentacle grape!" Mio cowered in the corner at Haruhi's sentence, while Ritsu continued to spook her. "You've accused me of bullshit, sued me for not saying sorry when I sneezed, and caused damages to everyone I somewhat give a shit about! It's time to end this..." Haruhi sneered, forming a small ball of blue electricity and color-changing fire in her hands.

"Oh, a ball with the rainbow inside it, I'm so scared~! Blow me!" Ultros snarked. He, his crew, and the four Ryokos began to laugh uproariously, unaware that they should be trying to run away very fast at the moment. Haruhi flung her sphere right at the condensed group like a bowling ball. There was a massive amount of smoke and sparks that followed the orb once it struck Ultros. And unseen force from the blast seemed to suck Skar into it, too. When it cleared, lying on the street was...

A golf ball.

"The hell? Where are we? It's dark in here! Why am I so cramped in here! Hey, stop doing that! Curse you, naughty number six!" came the voice of Ultros from inside the golf ball. The voices of the others came from the inside, too. Haruhi sauntered up to the golf ball and produced a golf club out of thin air. She gave her friends a wink and got into position for a swing.

"I think a few months on Monkey Island will cool you off, Ultros~!" Haruhi chirped out, raising the club.

"EH? YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" cried out Ultros.

"Actually, I think I will allow this," announced Judge, holding his broken gavel in one hand. Emi and Hiaso stood next to him, grinning evilly and with their thumbs raised.

"Thanks!" Haruhi said in joy. There came several panicked yells from inside the ball. Everyone watched with amusement as Haruhi swung...

...And had her ball kicked away into the sunset by an outstretched foot.

"DAMN YOU, HARUHIIII!" Ultros howled in rage.

In the darkness of the flying golf ball, Skar tapped Doakes on the shoulder. "Hey. While we're in here, wanna see me tempt fate?"

"Eh, sure," said the knight.

"Okay... _Gee, I wonder if things can get any worse?_"

"Hey, guys!" the tiny Achakura squeaked. "Who wants to sing a rousing chorus of 1,000 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?"

"I would!" Ashakura, Ryou, AURyoko, Chupon, Belome, and Phan-Phan all spoke at the same time. Ultros, however, choked a bit. In a matter of seconds, the sounds of singing, Ultros screaming a big no, and Skar and Doakes' laughter could be gradually heard fading away as the golf ball containing them faded into the horizon.

"That was simply wonderful," Mori sighed in relief, happy that tentacles would no longer bother her.

"Nice swing with the club there, Haruhi. You nailed those creeps," Kyon stated, his hand on his leader's shoulder.

"But I didn't hit it, Kyon! Someone kicked it!" Haruhi yelled.

"But who?"

"That would be my doing," said a brand new and mysterious voice. The assorted mob watched as a girl with short red hair and a stoic expression walked into the middle of the street, wearing a stoic expression and a school uniform. What stood out was the fact that she had no arms.

"Who are you?" Arakawa asked.

"My name is Rin Tezuka. And I am win," said the girl.

Almost immediately, an excited Emir ran up to her, so happy that she didn't even see Mikuru steal her shoes back. "Heya, Rin! You missed a lot of exciting stuff! ...But I thought you got sentenced to death in jail?"

"Yeah," said a bemused Hiaso, walking. "What happened."

Rin shrugged. "I tunneled out."

"...Wow."

"Wow, indeed. And I came here because I sensed a great injustice. The day is now saved. My work here is done. And it was all thanks to me," Rin said proudly, puffing her chest out.

Mikuru gawked at the display. "What do you men your work is done? You didn't even do anything!"

"Yeah, kill-stealer!" argued Haruhi.

Rin chuckled ominously. "Ohohoho.. Didn't I?" And with that, Rin teleported away in a shower of shimmering blue lights.

Understandably, no one spoke for several minutes.

"Well, I don't know about any of you guys..." Kyon groggily said. "But I could stand to get really drunk right about now."

"Same here. Screw the band. I need a cold one," Haruhi grunted tiredly.

Oruki gave his daughter a little pat on the head. "Honey, I am going to look the other way and let you have your drink. After what I've seen today, you've earned it."

"Really?"

"Oh, yes..."

"Yay! Let's all go and get a celebratory dinner together at the nearest place!" Naru cheered.

"Yes, let us celebrate me getting away scot-free~!" Ryoko agreed heartily.

"Who said you were getting off so easily?" Yuki sneered, jerking her thumb at a devious-looking Emiri and Kuyou, both of whom were gazing lustfully at the blunette's body.

"Awwwwww, man! I hate it when you give me the 'Asakura Sandwich' treatment, Nagato. I'm ALWAYS the meat!" whined a blushing Ryoko.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Phoenix. "That was so funny, I'm not even going to bring up my OWN lawsuit against your anime! Ha ha!"

"Eh? You were gonna sue me, too!" said a shocked Haruhi, the others looking horrified. The espers, OCs, and aliens looked ready to piss themselves.

Phoenix waved them all off with his hands. "Oh, don't worry too much about it! Just a little bit of 'Hand-gesture' licensing that your island episodes violated. Not a big deal. Say? Who'd like to grab a few burgers? I sure could eat!"

Churuya quickly scrambled up and hopped in Mikuru arms. "And smoked-cheese!"

"Looks like Churuya agrees on the eating part! Ha ha ha ha!" laughed Haruhi. Everyone around her began to laugh as well. Except Churuya. She faced the reader with a worried expression in the midst of the laughter.

"Quick, everyone! I'm talking to you guys! The readers! Help me end this torment! This whole plot didn't make a damn lick of sense! Tell the people! Alert the media! Do SOMETHING! Just get me the fuck out of this looney bin! All of the smoked-cheese in the world isn't enough for this mental trauma! I'm going nuttier than a yaoi imageboard!" Churuya ranted, waving her small limbs frantically about.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwww~! She's so adorable when she talks!" cooed Mikuru, poking the chibi in the cheek.

"Indeed. That's our Churuya!" chuckled Kyon. "I bet there's nothing more in the world she could possibly want!"

The small girl shot a baleful glare at the two. "How about some fingers? Or some toes? Better yet, how about a fucking nose!" Churuya raged once again. She would have ripped Kyon face right off if Mikuru hadn't had a grip on her.

"Awwwwwwwww, what a cutie-pie!" giggled Itsuki.

"Yes, so very cute and innocent," Yuki chimed in, smiling warmly.

Tsuruya hopped right up to her doppelganger and began to tickle her in the belly, oblivious to the flesh-melting glare she was receiving. "That's a good little Churuya~! Yes, she is~! yes, she is~! Goochie-goochie-goo, nyoro~!"

"_Don't mock me..._ _**I'LL KILL YOU ALL!**_"

**Meanwhile on Monkey Island... **

_-__**Day 1, Weather: Sunny and kinda Cloudy**__-_

_We've been on this stupid island for three hours now. Doakes and Belome have set up huts everywhere for us to live in. Ryou has found a stream of water for us to drink from. I've decided to nickname him the Professor, due to him being the only person here who has buttons on his clothes. As if being on an island wasn't bad enough, the only form of entertainment is a T.V. plugged into a rock that endlessly plays every single movie the Nostalgia Critic has ever reviewed. Achakura and Ashakura went into their hut to cry when Phan-Phan said something about them being shorter than the Garbage Pail Kids. Skar is also bugging me about being an official follower of mine, but Mr. Chupon is already in that niche. Had to shut up the bird with a coconut. This diary maybe the only thing keeping me sane now. Belome was nice enough to make me a pen out of a bamboo shoot filled with mashed mangos. That slob is all right. I tried writing on AURyoko's chest first because I needed something big for my thoughts, but she had the gall to get mad at me and storm off. I'm using a palm leaf now. Hmpf. Women. _

_I even saw this crazy guy dressed like a captain or head of a gay party cruise boat. Asked me if I had seen a guy with a detached head walking around. He said his name was Guybrush Treelog or something, but I didn't ask after I threw him into the water. _

_But I've learned something today. Money ain't everything. It's the sweet taste of revenge that really matters. Someday I will get that Haruhi Suzumiya. One of these days I'm going to make her wish she was never ever bor- _

"HEY! IT'S YOU!"

"Huh? Who the heck are you, motherfucker? I'm trying to write here!"

"You rotten slimeball! You swindled me in that arena long ago! But I have FINALLY found you! You can never outrun the greatest swordsmen in all of Ivalice!"

"Wait... Are you... Your... OH, FUCK... HEY, THERE, GILGAMESH~! NICE TO SEE YOU~! THE SCARS FROM THAT EXPLOSION ARE GONE~! HOW'S LIFE BEEN~?"

"Better than what's about to happen to yours, you cur! Enkidu! GET HIM!"

"_**RAWRF RAWRF!**_"

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha... Nice doggy... Nice, big, green dog- OWWWW! NOT THE FACE, NOT THE FACE!"

And so the heroes won the day, the villains got their just desserts, and the fans got their final arc update.

And they all lived happily ever after~!

...Except for Oruki, who contracted AIDS after not washing his hands after playing with some hamsters for some reason.

"HEY!"

**A/N: YOU ALL BETTER HAVE ENJOYED THAT WHIMSICAL ADVENTURE OF AN ADD TRIP. WRITING LONG STUFF LIKE THIS HURTS MY HANDS. I NEED TIME TO RECOVER. I EXPECT LONG, JUICY, SUCCULENT REVIEWS TO FEED ME NOW. GIVE THEM TO ME **_**OR I'L COME GET YOU ALL! **_

**...Anyways, that about ties up the court case arc. What a dilly of a scenario that was. I think the last part was kinda rushed a bit, but I still like it. This is probably the most ridiculous Haruhi plot idea ever written. Just my opinion. Everyone else is entitled to think otherwise. BTW, the cheese gag is from the Nostalgia Critic. Go to YouTube. You'll see what I mean if you just search for it. And the knife-toss is a joke from the feature-length YGOTAS Movie. **

**Special thanks for the following writers is in order once again. Thank you so much, ObsidianWarrior for helping me with the plotting and writing some of these gags, as well as JonBob0008, nukerjsr, Cha-Cha-Cheesecake, Brendan Rizzo, 7MurukroRealm7, and Mr. Wang 330 for lending me their OCs. You are all such big sweethearts. **

**Hey, guys. I got kinda a favor to ask. I've noticed not a whole lot of new fics aren't getting a lot reviews. There's plenty of good ones here that only have a sparse few even if they are really short. I'd like it if we could all be more active reviewers. It'll help me sleep better. **

**Here are some genuinely good gems of fanfiction I'd like to promote. Also includes the author or authoress of the story:**

**"Digression" by TyPing sLOwLy**

**"Why" also by TyPing sLOwLy**

**"The Crossovers of Haruhi Suzumiya" by Of Naught**

**"The Dream of Suzumiya Haruhi" by Perkle **

**"The Pwnage of Haruhi Suzumiya" by The Layman **

**"Desert Heat" by Mummified Dreams**

**"The God I Once Knew" by the Hidden Lostar (TMOHS/Angel Beats crossover)**

**"Silence, an upcoming fanfic featuring your OCs!" by MugiChanx and Cha-Cha Cheesecake**

**"The Crappiness of Haruhi Suzumiya" by AlonsoMassa**

**And finally, "Cracks in the SOS Dan" by... a very talented and VERY handsome male. *shifty eyes***

**Thanks for taking the time to read this message. Next chapter will be a special treat for you all. Peace. **

**Review Haruhi-worshippers! Your yellow-ribboned, headband-wearing goddess demands it! **


	83. Crippled Girls are Surprisingly Sexy

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N:** **As a special treatment, boy and girls, this chapter was not actually written by me. My friend, nukerjsr, lent me his help voluntarily to write his own You Got HaruhiRolled! chapter. I just made some edits and such. Let's give it up for him! **

**For the record, in this story, we may refer to fox news articles, terrible directors, terrible people in comics, political figures, viral videos, brilliant yet canceled T.V. shows, underground sim games, Animu and Mango, obscure movies, cartoon characters, addictive substances, and fucked up people. Thank you.**

* * *

**Ladies and Gentlemen, We'd Like to Present You... BULLSHIT!: **

It was a normal day for the SOS Brigade... well, that's kind of a lie. With the SOS Brigade, the day is either boring as all hell or it's what the hell, wacky, and over the top due to some strange new event, a shift in power, or the planets would align and the natural flow of the universe wanted to give a giant middle finger to our protagonist, Kyon. Haruhi's the protagonist, too, but being a narrator and protagonist gives you higher priority.

Then again, there's a sneaking suspicion that Haruhi's narration would be even more brooding and melancholic than Kyon. Once the club was set up, she was happy, but before that? Oh, there'd be a whole lot of misanthropic word-slinging that would make even the mighty Maddox quiver. Enough with the semantics though, we're here to focus on a particularly odd route that Haruhi has decided to take to cure her boredom.

It all started when she nearly kicked the door open and gale force winds nearly knocked Yuki, Kyon, Itsuki, Mikuru, and Tsuruya out of the window. Haruhi pointed her finger in the air, for an appropriate amount of time for dramatic pause, and then brought it down with whip-like speed as she pointed it at Yuki. The bookworm glanced at the girl's laser like focus on her index finger.

"Why are you pointing like that?"

"Because, Yuki, I have a brilliant new idea!"

"What is it, Haru-nyan?" Tsuruya asked.

Haruhi opened her mouth to continue on with her announcement, but instead shot the green-haired girl a puzzled look. "Tsuruya, why did you just call me 'Haru-nyan' just now?"

Tsuruya shrugged. "Haven't I always called you 'Haru-nyan', Haru-nyan?"

"Eh, I guess... Anyways, today, we will make our own new video to post on the internet! Perhaps send it to DVDs, but something to increase the popularity of the SOS Brigade!" Haruhi continued.

_God damn it, going to have to wear that outfit again..._ the time-traveler thought to herself. Her eyes could have rolled so hard they would give her an aneurysm. _It makes my titties hold up nice, but man, it makes everything so freaking cold._

"What are we going to do, Miss Suzumiya?" the man with his eyelids stapled shut said. That surgery was free, courtesy of Taniguchi's backdoor sew-ups!

"I had a brilliant idea... we shall parody a not-too-recently invented series on the internet. Something that proved that anonymous people can group together and provide a shining, original idea of greatness!"

"Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series?" Yuki suggested. Her bunny-ear headphones could still allow her to hear what the other people were saying. This part will come in handy later.

Haruhi made a face at her like she just realized she had a piece of shit at the tip of her nose. "What? No! I'm talking about something original, not something that becomes a fad itself to the point where it's just retarded."

"We have our own version..." Kyon mumbled.

"Are we making a viral video?" Tsuruya asked, panting like a dog. "Oh, I hope we are making a viral video! I have megas amounts of ideas for new viral videos!"

"Not today, Tsuruya."

The green-haired girl made a whimper. "Nyoro~n..."

"But it's a great idea for a future time when we get bored."

"Yay!"

"Do you want a treat?"

"Ye-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah!" Tsuruya panted more, her tongue extended out like Gene Simmons seeing a check from Dr. Pepper.

"Here you go!" Haruhi picked a tiny, orange, cheese-shaped treat out of her pocket. She threw it into the air, allowing the still-mysterious-after-ten-novels girl to catch it with that oversized fang of hers. Kyon facepalmed as Tsuruya plowed into the wall while still catching the treat.

"That was a real dog treat!" he shouted. "I've seen the box where they come from! Scooby-Doo is on it!"

The esper was growing tired of the charade. "What internet sensation did you draw inspiration from?"

"Thanks for cutting down the exposition, Koizumi! We are going to dive into the complex, brilliant world of Katawa Shoujo!"

At this point, Kyon be in the middle of a mental quandary, wondering why the hell Haruhi would draw to that time of source from an idea. How many Japanese people even know about the series? Did Haruhi buy a bunch more costumes from that mysterious cosplay place she knows about? It was just plain ridiculous. Luckily, we aren't going to look into Kyon's thoughts for these type of bollocks, so we won't have to look into the life of the most popular harem protagonist with a nice, swinging pair of testicles. Wait, if Kyon counts, is Lelouch more popular? He's not a man... well, he is a man. Just a really, really girly man. Scratch that, he isn't a man, just a miserable little pile of secrets. Ahh, who cares.

"Um, what's Katawa Shoujo?" Mikuru asked, the brain leaking into her boobs once again.

"This," Yuki said, lifting her laptop. Those bunny-ears show signs of promise. It was a conversation between Mr. Blank Face for Hikkimori Fatasses with two girls. A girl with black hair and glasses, and a girl with pink, curly twin-tails. One was deaf, but the other one was clearly obese. Pink twin-tails means fatty in Japanese terms.

"Awww, that's a shame. I was hoping we were going to continue the Haruhi-chan series again," Tsuruya said, rubbing her head innocently.

"That's because you had a bigger role in those than the series," Kyon deadpanned.

"AND EPIC WIND-POWERS!" Tsuruya ranted.

"What are we going to parody from this series, Miss Suzumiya?" Itsuki asked. They all learned enough information from glancing at the screen with two girls for about ten seconds.

"Are we going to act it out?" Yuki said.

Haruhi waved her hand in that pe-shaw-type of way. "No way. That's too easy."

"But I like easy!" Kyon whined.

"Easy like your sister! Ooooooooh!" Haruhi laughed.

"God, I hate crack stories." The normal kid shook his head. "Always brings out the dumbest jokes."

"What is your idea?" the ass-slave asked. Ass and slave in the same sentence, who do you think it is?

Clearly, it was Yuki.

"Well, my plan was that we make our own version of the Katawa Shoujo series! We'll all be specific girls!" the goddess explained with glee.

Kyon blinked. "Wow, Haruhi, that's not a bad idea. I thought you were going to copy the series shot for shot."

"Nah, it'd be too much to do that. I'd have to get the wigs, the outfits, a Harry Potter scarf, and we'd have to put Emiri in this series." Everyone was nodding for understanding reasons. "Plus, we'd have to make everyone deaf, blind, horribly scarred, limbless, and robotic. I was thinking of saving time by using a blow-torch to burn the face and double it up. To make someone like Rin and the hyper girl, the fire would cauterize the wounds automatically."

Everyone else felt very worried. Mikuru even felting a tingling in her appropriately bear-faced panties. We can look at them thanks to Yuki's nanobots. We have the technology, to bring fanservice to a whole new level.

"So how about we pose as ourselves?" God continued. "But we create our own ideas and disabilities to act out as... so that lonely people can sympathize for us!"

"What'd you have in mind?" Tsuruya chirped.

"Well, I was thinking that we all look the same way. But we have very different things from the series. For example, I will act out as the leader of this series, but with a crippling case of androphobia!" Haruhi proudly declared.

"What's androphobia?" Kyon asked. See? There's some vocabulary he doesn't know.

"It means I have a fear of men," Haruhi said. "But my fear channels out in crazy ways! If I see a man, I have to punch him in the face to know that he isn't a threat! I'm still strangely scared of them, but punching them gives me so much relief! It's what my momma taught me!" she said, her eyes starting to gleam.

"Sounds really, REALLY contrived..." the normal man bitched, like the bitch he is. He's like a man who can't cook. He hates the taste of T.V. Dinners, but he sure eats a lot of them motherfuckers.

"Okay, it might have been from an anime…" Haruhi admitted. "But it's a really popular show. This red-haired chick with no curves had more fans than any character in the show! Including the flat loli and the busty loli!"

"Wow," Kyon simply said.

Haruhi continued, like Kyon didn't say anything (like fifty percent of the time). "And Yuki has narcolepsy."

"Well, it's very fitting," Yuki acknowledged. All this talk of deformed school girls made her focus completely on her visual novel.

"And Mikuru has reverse-tourettes!" Haruhi concluded, obviously pleased with herself.

"Wha-What's that?" Mikuru said.

"Is it going to be like she shouts normal things?" Itsuki suggested.

"Not too far off!" Haruhi shouted. "Basically instead of doing tics or saying swear words, Mikuru will shout out good things! Instead of saying stuff like _PISS COMING OUT OF MY ASS_, she would say _BUNNIES, KITTENS AND DAISIES_!" she screeched, accompanying the action by shaking her arms wildly. She did it so much, she banged her hand into the wall from a really bad angle. But this is Haruhi, adrenaline-glands are all over her body, so she didn't really feel it.

"Well... sounds fine," Mikuru piped up. Speaking of piping, why the hell didn't she make any tea during this chapter?

"It kind of fits." Kyon nodded. But within the dirty parts of his head, where he has a secret file of porn, Kyon was fantasizing the idea of it like mad. Mikuru screaming about world peace as her hand would wander all over his body.

"And finally, Tsuruya would have cancer." Haruhi pointed at her, but her index finger arching and pointing at the book case instead.

Tsuruya stopped dead in her tracks... not like she was moving. "Why cancer?"

"Oh, you'll be fine. I was gonna give you something inexplicit like lymphnode or colon cancer," Haruhi answered calmly, not seeing anything wrong with what she had said.

"No, why the fuck are you giving me cancer?" she shouted, like she was offered moldy cheese as a Christmas gift.

"Why's it a big deal? You have stage three cancer, but you are still very happy and optimistic and hold out hope."

"BECAUSE I HAVE TO SHAVE MY HEAD!" she screamed. "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK TO GET THIS HAIR? IT'S NEVER BEEN CUT! NOT EVEN ONCE! I CAME OUT OF THE VAGINA WITH AN AFRO!"

Haruhi paused at her as she took a deep breath. "...I wasn't going to ask you to shave your head and wear an oversized condom to cover it up. I was just going to say that you are wearing a beautiful wig to cover it up."

"Oh..." Tsuruya said. She felt really embarrassed at the moment, like people were watching her freak out. She didn't know what to do at the moment, so she did her best aversion-gazing tactic. She put her finger by her lip.

"Nyoro~n?"

"Okay, aside from Tsuruya's freak-out... LET'S FILM A MOVIE!" Haruhi shouted.

The entire SOS Brigade ran out of the room like they were offered a billion dollars to leave. Kyon was the last to leave, pressing his fingers against the bridge of his nose. That area of his face practically had indents in it, since Kyon had always put his hand there so much.

"I know Kyon is going to have to choke a bitch. Her serious work made me want to punch her, but a series that intentionally makes fun of disabled people? I'm going to lose my mind... but I've already lost it, so who knows?" Kyon eerily sighed in third-person as he slowly trailed off after the mob of crazy people ahead of him.

**Two Weeks Later... **

After a grueling process of finding extras, finding places to shoot, writing a script, accidentally breaking Kyon's arm, having Itsuki look for a platinum piece of cardboard to hold, keeping Tsuruya's hair looking fresh, and for Kyon to record while intoxicated at times and trying to hold the camera with a broken arm, the movie was finally done.

"All, right everyone, let's take a look over the movie before we show it off to the school!" Haruhi cheered.

"Of course, Miss Suzumiya." Mikuru shrugged. She then started to have dirty thoughts. _My ass is about the size of an oak barrel, but everyone already knows, since you've whored my looks around the school so much so it won't make much of a difference for me._

The other four members of the Brigade were more obsessed with the food table. Tsuruya was munching away at a plate of smoked-cheese, just like the 4koma would instruct her to. Yuki was packing away truffles, like the popular web series instructed her to. Kyon and Itsuki, on the other hand, were eating fried-chicken like it was Christmas time (look it up). Kyon started to really wonder where his life was going as he finished a wing and looked at his arm.

"I don't know, Koizumi... sometimes I feel like I'm in an endless cycle of silliness."

Just as Kyon was about to throw the bone away, Itsuki grabbed him by the wrist. "What are you doing there?" the esper yelled. "There's still plenty of meat on that bone. You just take that home, put it in a pot, put in some broth, daikon, potatoes. And, baby, you got a stew going."

Kyon grimaced at the touch of the esper, but refrained from shuddering in disgust. "That is fine, but I'm really starting to wonder if I should just tell Haruhi the truth. I'm not going to be in high school forever."

"Kyon..." Itsuki began. He put his head by his face. "Mah boi, let me tell you a story. About when I first joined the esper organization. I was a small-time worker, only getting enough to scrap by. That's why I always dug in the trash to get my food. Get some raw veggies, old bacon, apple-cores and some cup of noodles... And you know what happened? Baby, I had a stew going!"

The normal boy looked at him with total disdain. "I wish I never met you."

"Okay, everyone, stop filling up your pie-holes and look at the screen!" Haruhi ordered over the sounds of pigging out.

Her voice seemed to have the power of Jesse Custer, as the voice of god commanded everyone to immediate sit in front of the SOS Brigade's official table. Their eyes were glued on a television that Haruhi obviously stole from the Audio Visual club. Haruhi comfortably sat down on her captain's chair and then hit/bashed the Play button on her remote. A fuzzy camera view looked across the four SOS Brigade girls as they stood on the roof of the school triumphantly. Well, two were triumphant. One was afraid of heights and the other didn't care.

With this mark, signaling that Kyon should come in for exposition, he started. If he had some super special ability, it would be his power to be the most compelling narrator ever. Maybe as much as Norio Wakamoto... maybe.

"_This is the tale of four girls, who are bonded by their disabilities. They don't have the same ones, but it would make more sense if they were all in the same support group. Anyway, these four girls have been bonded by fate, due to their own surprises._"

"_Haruhi here, has androphobia. A fear of men... you think this would be a very cute and moe-inducing type of fear, but usually people forget that it mostly comes from child abuse and rape. This isn't Love Hina, where fear of animals is cute and has very convenient comedic timing._"

Here, we cut to a scene of Haruhi sitting on a comfortable toilet. But without her noticing, Kyon walked into the unisex bathroom to do his business in the stall next door. Once Haruhi hit the ultimate form of relief, she immediately walked out from her stall and screamed once she saw Kyon.

"AHHHHHHH!" she screamed. "NO, THIS IS THE LADIES' ROOM!"

Kyon just looked at her blankly, and spoke but it sounded like Itsuki dubbed him over. "What do you think this room is for?"

Haruhi charged up her arm, and punched him square in the humerus, knocking him to the ground. Kyon didn't think to stop his peeing, so the floor started to become very wet.

"_See? She doesn't need character development or anything serious just that. Her whole life and jokes can be about how she has this abnormal fear of the penis. Don't you feel sorry for her? But you need not worry too much about Haruhi, folks. She's_ _quirky! She's eccentric!_ _Wow, this is so much easier than having actual character development! But while she has to deal with that, our new friend, Yuki Nagato, is known for having narcolepsy. That infamous disease where she will fall asleep at very random intervals. She can't drive or operate heavy machinery... not like ladies would do those things anyways._"

Yuki just stood there, doing nothing other than her usual book reading. However, slowly, but surely, she leaned her head over, looking like she passed out. But she didn't consider the desk was right in front of her, and she banged her head as she fell down. Her floor, like Kyon, started to get very wet.

"_But to her advantage, she has the power over all technology. Including the power to make average joes and hacks into super-stars._"

We cut to Haruhi, as she was interviewed over her terrifying experience, explaining what happened. She called the news every week or so due to male-related fear, but Yuki took advantage of her fear for something good this day.

Haruhi went on to explain as she looked directly at the camera. "Well... obviously, we have a RAPIST roaming around North High! **He's climbing in yo' windows, he's snatching your people up! Trying to rape them, so you need to hide your kids, hide your wife. Hide your kids, hide your wife. Hide your kids, hide your wife! And hide your husband, 'cause they rapin' everybody out here." **Claps joined in with the chorus. "**You don't have to come and confess, we lookin' for you. We gon' find you, we gonna find you. So you can run and tell that, run and tell that, run and tell that, homeboy. Home-home-homeboy.**"

"_Yeah... Yuki can be used for fun sometimes. Anyway, we cut to the lovely Mikuru Asahina. She would live a common life of that showcased her beauty and brains, but she unfortunately has to suffer from tourettes._"

Mikuru was seen walking outside of a Wal-Mart, holding several bags filled with groceries. She had a wry face though, fear that another tic would make things embarrassing.

"_But even someone as sweet as Mikuru would have a cute version of a disease. She has reverse tourettes, so instead of shouting out swear words, she would shout good things._"

At that moment, she dropped all of her bags, and her voice chirped to a loud screech. "EVERYONE LOOKS SO GORGEOUS TODAY!" Her words made everyone turn their heads. This is Wal-Mart, so of course there were going to be people in the vicinity. There's a website all about it.

We cut to another seen, where Mikuru is peacefully asleep in her nightgown. However, due to the camera shot, we don't get to see those lovely breasts. If we lifted the blanked and got a good look, this DVD definitely would be selling three times as many copies. But either way, she was going to have another tic. She woke up in the middle of a cold sweat, shouting the following:

"ROZEN ASO, WILL YOU MARRY ME!"

"_And finally, there's Tsuruya, who has... cancer. Yeah, not as comically funny as the others, but her personality makes up for that. However, due to budget reasons, we couldn't film an interesting situation with Tsuruya herself, so here's a midget in a bikini._"

Due to the poorly-edited job of other-worldly sources, we cut to a low resolution video of Jason "Wee Man" Acuña skateboarding through a fiery hoop of death, only aided by a two-piece bikini. He made the jump, but then crashed into the ground. Fluids did follow.

"_These four girls live a life of peace and prosperity, hoping to find the man of their dreams. But as the tight-knit friends that they are, they do get into the occasional squabble about dealing with their social life, getting their medications switched up, who gets the first ticket to the newest Nolan film, and who has to give the other a sponge bath. Today, we join them walking down the street, ready to go to the supermarket. After all, Tsuruya had a great idea of adding bacon to s'mores. Let's watch and see what unfolds._"

"I'm not sure if I'll ever find the right man," Mikuru pondered as the group walked down the sidewalk in a tightly-knit line.

"Of course you'll find one, Mikuru!" Haruhi insisted. "I still don't think you should fall in love with any of those vaginal intruders, but you are allowed to do whatever you want in life."

"You just need to try to get yourself out there to the public," Tsuruya said. "I tried to get along with a boy in from the cancer ward and we really bonded. It was probably after my hair." Tsuruya pointed towards her hair, that she had fashioned into a scarf. "He's really nice, but he hasn't called me back again..."

"I wish I could be more confident like PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS!" the time-traveler, but not in this universe, shouted.

"You forget about your assets, Asahina," Yuki spoke up, giving her friend an appropriate pat on her jiggly bottom. The red-head made her typical squeal.

"Yuki!" Haruhi shouted, in a rare moment of ethicality.

"Asahina shouldn't complain so much when she could clearly get any man she wanted at the school," Yuki said bitterly. "All she has to do is strut that ass." With that cue, Yuki did a shake with her small, but very cute posterior. She had to literarily show the girl with reverse tourettes how to get men.

"That's all you need to do. And you have chesticles as well! But you forget, that boys do love the ass," Yuki said a-matter-of-factly.

"Yeah..." Haruhi commented. "Being an anime character nowadays, you have to have an ass. No matter how young or skinny you are, the animators will give you some booty!" Haruhi explained smugly, being well-taught in anime. Where do you think she learned about the term moe?

"Just strut that ass, strut that ass," the alien-girl said. She showed it off by hopping backwards into the street, her butt hoping into the air. "Strut that ass, strut that ass."

But Yuki made a large mistake as she fell dead-asleep in the middle of her ass-strutting demonstration. Tsuruya didn't think this was a big deal, until a giant eighteen-wheeler came rolling down the street. Sadly, we forgot to say that the Hyogo Prefecture in Japan is the equivalent to the world of Mad Max, and driving rules apply. The truck plowed right over Yuki, just as a quickly as she had fallen asleep. In a comical fashion, she woke right back up, completely unscathed. While the girls looked like they were going to crap themselves, Yuki just brushed her head in confusion.

"What just happened?"

"Yuki, what were you thinking backing into the street with your condition!" Haruhi yelled. "You are so dumb! You are really dumb..." she spoke in shame. "FOR REAL."

"I feel bad for Yuki and all, but can we please get going to the supermarket?" Tsuruya said, her appetite taking control of her brain again. "...While I'm still alive!" she added for dramatic effect.

Yuki walked up to them. "I think we should get some lunch first. Isn't there a Mc-" The narcoleptic was going to continue, until she saw a lawyer leaning in like Chris Hansen on Encyclopedia Dramatica. "Uh... I mean, is there a _Wc_Donalds around here?"

Tsuruya made a rare grimace. "Do we have to eat clown food?"

Mikuru put her index finger to her chin as a dim memory pieced itself together. "I think they brought back the McRib..."

Haruhi looked at Mikuru as if she were a fresh brick of Peruvian flake. "I-It's back?" Her lips were already started to crust up at the mention of that sacred word.

"Not only is it back, but it comes with I LOVE BUTTERFLIES AND WOMEN'S RIGHTS!" Mikuru ticked, closing her mouth in embarrassment. "I meant cheese."

"What!" Tsuruya screamed... like we need to explain why she's ecstatic. "Let's go then!"

Yuki, after having a near death experience, was now thinking about NOT eating red meat. "Well, actually I'm now thinking about getting some of the Colon-"

"MCRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIB TIME!" Tsuruya screamed, grabbing all three of the girls at once and speeding off. This might be an anime, but the green-haired girl had a wheel of feet and dust trailing across the ground. Mikuru was screaming, Haruhi was looking forward to barbeque goodness, and Yuki fell asleep once again, visions of KFC in her dreams. Speeding through all of the crowds of people, however, was a not a bad idea as they would get to the Mickey Dees faster and "God" wouldn't have to punch any man who passed them by. In a matter of seconds, the golden arches of WcDonalds greeted them. The four disabled girls stopped, ready to eat their greasy delights, with varying levels of excitement. And the alien/cyborg woke up again after the shock from stopping at such a high speed.

As they all walked into the store however, their fears began to set in. Haruhi knew she was going to punch someone and the time-traveler had a feeling she would embarrass herself with some mention of robots or unicorns. In this universe, she had a fresh start to be a regular chick... as regular as a girl with long, red, glossy hair and gigantic breasts could be in Japan. Tsuruya was too distracted by the scent of melted cheese to care... just hoping her wig wouldn't get caught in the door. She loved her extra, extra, long anime-style wig. Yuki didn't want to bang her again against something, but she had unlimited blood.

The four of them took a deep breath, and entered into the WcDonalds.

...Ten minutes later, they were all running out with McRibs in tow.

"I couldn't help it! The man behind the counter was treating me like a prostitute!" Haruhi shouted in a weak attempt to defend her actions.

"He was giving you your change!" Yuki roared back.

"I knew this would happen..." Mikuru said, her face scrunching up from the tears in her eyes. For a time-traveler, she sure does cry a lot.

"At least it can't get any more embarrassing," Haruhi offered, the sound of sirens causing her to pick up speed.

Mikuru opened her mouth to answer back, but her face contorted into a mask of grim realization, however, when she began screaming,"ALWAYS, I WANNA BE WITH YOU, AND MAKE BELIEVE WITH YOU, AND LIVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY, OH, LOVE!"

"Always, McRibs... you are my only friends~..." Tsuruya groaned dreamily.

"_And so, the four girls ran off to the sanctity of their homes. Everyone has to deal with problems, but their friendship will get them through thick in thin, no matter how ridiculous or insane situations they get into. It's just what happens when you have friends with quirks._"

**To Be Continued!**

As it ended, the film was met with varied responses. Everyone smiled, with the exception for one. And one person was bashing his head into the wall, possibly ruining his power to narrate like the one true god, Morgan Freeman. Only a few were dead focusing on watching, as Itsuki was thinking about stew and Tsuruya was thinking about... oh, something yellow and brick-like.

"That was great!" Haruhi spoke. "Our best project yet!"

"Are you serious?" Kyon said, completely dumbfounded.

"I give that film two titties!" Tsuruya shouted, almost pulling off her shirt for emphasis until Mikuru shot her a look.

"I'm glad I wasn't involved... but it was fun!" the esper grinned.

"Very, very... quaint," Yuki said with slight emotion. "Absolutely ruins the source-material."

"If you all like that, would you like to see the deleted scene?" Haruhi had a thousand-watt smile.

Yuki's interest piqued. "What deleted scene?"

"Oh, for Christ's sake..." Kyon said.

"Miss Suzumiya, not that one!" Mikuru squeaked.

"What did you have planned, Haru-nyan?" said the person who says Haru-nyan... at least until this chapter ends.

"Well, for the next episode..." the creator began to explain. "We had an idea that Mikuru has aspirations to be the next prime minister of Japan! It's to prove how people with issues talking can still very really successful! However, Mikuru gets incredibly nervous when talking to people, fearing she might shout out something crazy at any moment! So in this scene, Mikuru is preparing her campaign to get herself attention all around the prefecture! But she's really nervous, so the girls give her some stuff to calm her down."

"Wait... what stuff?" Kyon said, his nervousness creeping.

"Those pills you got for your arm!"

"What!" he shouted. "Those were oxycontin! Not only did you make Miss Asahina suffer and go through a horrible experience, I went through a tremendous amount of pain! Literally, those were my pain-killers!"

"Oh, will you stop your whining!" Haruhi barked. "Look your suffering brought for all of us!" Haruhi clicked the remote, playing the super, special deleted scene that she planned for the encore, but she was probably going to release on the DVD. She was going to sell this in four-thousand yen OVAs, but she had a feeling the otakus would by them anyway.

In this particular scenario, Mikuru appeared in front of a camera, looking dazed and confused. She looked like an absolute mess with her unkempt hair and a tattered-looking business suit. Her looks reflected on her voice, and she started to talk.

"I'm Mikuru Asahina dot com, the democratic candidate to run for prime minister," she began, her voice sounding sleepy and moving in constant upward and downward inflections. "If you make me prime minister, I will recall all permits and registrations necessary for guns. Everyone gets to carry guns, but if you murder someone, though, you get killed. People die when they are killed and you'll go to hell. This applies to all projectile-firing weapons like rifles, pistols, and laser beams that come from your eyeballs."

The two news hosts slowly looked at each other, wondering what is wrong with this girl.

"I wanna make it so that all of Japan flies under one flag, the flag of Tokyo. It's very pretty, being the right shade of purple, and looking like a ninja stars. We're all ninjas, we all use flags to fly across the sky. PORK AND BEANS... will be our national food. I'll be able to change all of our nationally represented objects. Because I'll be the prime minister. And finally, I'll get rid of biggest threat known to all humanity... bears! CUDDLY TEDDY BEARS!"

One of the cameramen was getting tired of this, and signaled her to wrap it up. Mikuru leaned in, trying to read him. But she nodded her head up and down, much like a snake looking at a meerkat. She didn't look very nice on camera, that was for sure.

"I just want to say that we all believe in god, we all believe in the same god. When you go to school, I want to you salute, knowing there's a girl running Japan. And god's a girl, she's one of my best friends, I can assure you that god will all make you ascend to heaven. I'm Mikuru Asahina, I'll see you at the polls, and..." Mikuru then started to press her breasts together with her hands and ran directly towards the screen, screaming:

"RUB, RUB MY NIPPLES WITH ICE-CREAM AND SUNSHINE!"

Kyon looked at the screen with a bigger sense of despair. Hell, his level of despair was as big as Mikuru's level of hopelessness. The others were cracking up laughing, knowing that Haruhi's insulting jokes had finally hit for once. Once she cleared away her tears, Tsuruya spoke.

"That was megas funny! Ha ha ha ha!" she cheered, holding her sides.

"Miss Suzumiya had a real winner with this project. She had her stew going!" Itsuki cheered with charisma.

"What is wrong with you people? Why do you have always laugh at Miss Asahina's expense?" Kyon questioned, appalled at the behavior of his so-called friends. If he were a bigger white knight, he'd be King Arthur. But a really lame version, like in the Pound Puppies Movie.

Yuki chirped up, her Wikipedia-fueled brain having to comment. "It's like what Mel Brooks said: If I get a splinter in my thumb, it's a travesty. If you fall into a hole and die, it's hilarious."

"That's very true," Itsuki said with a smile. "Much more so if the hole happens to be Miss Nagato's gaping, whale-sized vag- OOF!" Itsuki reeled back, a bit stunned at the blow that had come from the alien's elbow (who was now shifting her eyes back and forth).

"Sometimes I hate you guys..." Kyon groaned.

"Why are you whining, Kyon!" Haruhi ranted. "You do it, too!"

"Oh, I do not..." He rolled his eyes at her, much like a sassy black man complaining of several franchises would.

"I'll prove it to you!" Haruhi clicked the TV again, showing her super, secret, secret Easter egg.

This time, Haruhi took the helm narrating, as a hazy camera in a familiar household was viewing over the kitchen. Kyon had pulled a fresh batch of food out of the oven, smelling the baked goods in pride. The dark, sinister words of the teenage girl voiced over the situation.

"_You may think Kyon What'sHisFamilyName is a great guy, but he has a sadist side to himself. We've paid his sister to give him a casual-feeling interview over his newest creation._"

Kyon's sister jumped on a stool, looking at the newest baked creation. She looked at them with a bit of a grimace, wondering what he had made. They were complete oblong-shaped and covered with white chocolate, with caramel eyes, cherry compote cheeks, thin licorice eyebrows, and red bits of frosting going down like long hair. Even if she wouldn't have been paid, she had to ask what Kyon made.

"Kyon, what are these?" she spoke.

Her older brother turned to her with a smile. "Oh, these are drunken Mikuru faces."

"_Drunken Mikuru-faced cookies!_" Haruhi said with appall. "_That's what this sicko does in his sick, spare time!_"

Imouto was taken a bit back by that kind of name. "What?"

"I was really mad at Haruhi earlier today, for getting Asahina drunk, but she made such a cute expression when did so, I had to immortalize it like this!"

"It's kind of weird."

Haruhi's voice-over continued. "_Kyon continued with more discriminatory language! Threatening the life of the school's beauty queen just for his obsession with a moe girl!_"

"Imouto..." Kyon continued to say. "This is to be an honor for Asahina for all the work she does for us. And getting abused by Haruhi all day, I just had to do celebrate her iron will. I'm so sick of Haruhi. She'll follow in the footsteps of Kennedy if she makes her do anything more ridiculous shit."

"But just look at them!" Imouto shouted, pointing at the extra details with the silly features of an intoxicated, underage girl.

"What's the problem? I think it's a fun face."

"_He calls the cookies a caricature, and a work of art! He goes onto say he has the right to portray his care in any possible way!_"

"Yeah. A fun face..." Imouto snorted. "A fun face for Satan."

"Some people build statues, while others tend to luscious gardens. I bake delicious treats for my pals," Kyon huffed back, disregarding his sister's remark.

"Don't you think it's promoting negative stereotypes? Like underage drinking to make these?" Imouto said in a strange bit of intelligence for a twelve-year old.

Kyon peered at his sister as he fanned the cookies with an oven mitt. "How so?"

"To call them drunken Mikuru cookies?"

"Drunken Mikuru _FACE_," Kyon said, backing up his point. His ignorance had hit a whole new level.

"Do you think she will really appreciate these?"

"Of course." Kyon nodded. "I know what Asahina likes, and she'll enjoy sweets in the form of her likeness."

"That's just crazy!" Imouto complained.

"I've seen mom look this way, too! If you think this is wrong, you should be ashamed of yourself," Kyon ranted, before going back upstairs.

"I shouldn't have to! You're making a big mistake in making those cookies, Kyon! Mikuru will never like them!" Imouto called up, hands cupped around her mouth.

Kyon turned to face his sister and stared down at her calmly. "Sis... What is the most inspiring thing I ever said to you?"

Imouto shut her mouth as a quizzical expression crossed her face. "...Oh! _Don't be an idiot._ Changed my life~!" The child gave off an opened-mouth smile.

"Good. Glad to see that my advice has not gone to waste," the cynic snarked, vanishing up the stairs, leaving his sister to scratch her head.

"_No, Kyon, we believe all the shame goes to YOU. Into Haruhi's 'To Be Smacked Across The Face' Database, we induct Kyon for his tasteless cookies!_"

The final scene ended with a picture of Kyon on a large of hallway of people who deserved to be smacked across the face, including Kunikida, Tits McGee, Taniguchi, Fujiwara, TSCP, Satan, Pastor Dr. Martin Sempa, Light, Snooki, L, Reverend X, Ultros, Orange-kun, DC's Arsenal, Shadow the Hedgehog, Hideki Anno, Ken Kwapis, Master Xehanort and Vanitas, Joe Quesada, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, Abby and Lisa (aka Ablisa), Stephanie Meyer, Atsushi Ootsuki, Soulja Boy, Jeph Loeb, The Situation, the Amazing Atheist, and the biggest douche to ever appear on television, Guy Fieri. Oh, and Uwe Boll. Can't forget him.

Kyon covered his face in three times as much shame than usual as Mikuru looked at him with shock, humiliation, and disgust.

Haruhi made a grin towards herself, knowing that Kyon would never again try to mess with her. Her grip on him was too tight. And she probably had loads of more hidden cameras placed around his house.

"Anyway, getting that out of the way, I really see promise in this series!" Haruhi concluded.

"I do, too, Haru-nyan!" Tsuruya cheered with delight.

"I as well," Itsuki said, his nose being browner than a mud-puddle.

Her ego well-fed on a consistent diet of compliments, Haruhi rubbed her hands together, dollar signs visible in her eyes. "Great! Well, then, I'm going to start asking around about the series... maybe start charg-"

Just before she could continue her roundabout saying, a man burst through the door of SOS's clubroom. But it was not the usual type of sneering bastard or smiling psychopath they were used to. This man looked rather old, his face definitely tanned and wrinkled, but very stylized with slick, black hair. He had a smile that would make George Takei quiver, but it made the rest of this sci-fi group look very puzzled.

"Who the hell are you?" Kyon demanded.

"That's Taro Aso," Yuki pointed out, actually knowing her politics.

"Who the fuck is that?" Itsuki said, sounding very ignorant. He can be ignorant of course, look at his man-crush on Haruhi.

"That's right. I am Rozen Aso," he said with a charming smile. Despite talking like that, he was sounding a lot like Bruce Campbell and George Takei's lovechild. Wow, bad image. Or awesome image? THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

"Wh-Why are you here?" Mikuru asked.

"I'm here for you, my sweet!" he shouted, walking closer to the girl.

"What gives you the right!" Kyon shouted.

"Oh, it's simple. I caught a glimpse of your little series, and Mikuru Asahina here had made a declaration of love!"

"What?" she shouted in fright. Her time-traveling limitations really sucked. She should have seen _this _coming.

"Yeah... it's all in the fine print." Yuki pointed to a super-sized book of all of the legal laws in Japan. It was in super, small, secretive font... the perfect locked-in law for the perfect thief.

"Guess we can't do anything about the law." Itsuki shrugged.

Mikuru fumed up inside. "You bastards planned this!" she shouted.

"You are coming with me now! Hope you enjoy Roman Catholicism!"

"No! Noooooooo!" she screamed as she was happily dragged away.

The now five remaining members of the SOS Brigade just looked over the minute-long situation in total awe. But as crazy as it was, many of them just followed with their gut instincts. Tsuruya laughed at the whole spectacle and absurdity of the situation. Kyon just sighed and pressed his fingers against the bridge of his nose. Mikuru would get out of this, but would still have to deal with avoiding grubby, old man-hands for a few days. The esper and alien grinned at each other, just like they pulled off some elaborate, but a tad bit indulgent, scheme. Haruhi just had one thought to herself after this whole thing happened.

Could she now truly get all those waifus she wanted? There was one blue-haired, ahoged otaku who would definitely become her butt-slave in milliseconds...

* * *

**A/N: Hope you guys liked this chapter. HR may not get updated for a long while, since I may have schoolwork crap and I wanna work on some other fics I have not updated for a while. I have an idea of what chapters 84 and 85 will be about though for HR.**

**Review, Haruhi-worshippers! Your goddess with the yellow headband and ribbons demands it! **


	84. Fun Times with the Unfab Four

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: A bit of knowledge before you read this chapter, guys. The first story is loosely based off the YouTube video, "The Few and The Proud- Red Band Marine Recruiting Video". I'd recommend copying and pasting the name into your browser for YouTube and watching it first so that you'll be able to appreciate this chapter to its fullest. It's pretty lulzy. **

**The opening fiction is dedicated to my buddy/fellow-writer/mentor, BKE. I've been promising this idea to him for a long while. **

**Have a key to help you read it better:**

**Bold text- Fujiwara **

_**Bold and italicized text- Kyouko**_

Underlined text- Kuyou

_Italicized text- Normal story_

**Expect nonsensical continuity issues to be popping up around here. The dastardly plot to dispose of those annoying SOS Brigade characters is brought up with hilarity (and violence) ensuing, complete with the most anticlimactic trap ever to contain an alien girl in the third tale. Thanks to BrendanRizzo, ObsidianWarrior, BKE, and Cha-Cha Cheesecake on helping me out with suggestions on what jokes to use in here. Enjoy. **

* * *

**The Red Armband Brigade Recruitment Tape:**

_**-Fujiwara, Kyouko, and Kuyou's POV-**_

**"So just what exactly are we doing here? I see an empty room, a single folding-chair, and a T.V. with an old VCR. What are you up to, Kyouko? Wasting my time as usual?" **

_**"Far from it! Well, you see, Fujiwara, I require your assistance on a matter of utmost importance. It concerns both of our intentions dealing with Sasaki and Haruhi Suzumiya."**_

**"Really now? You've certainly piqued my interest then. What have you found out?" **

_**"I have discovered a way we can learn from our opposition. Now Kyon adores that SOS Brigade of his to bits, correct? Every time he's with us, he feels much too uncomfortable to consider joining our side, eh? All because of that kidnapping mishap I keep trying to smooth over. People can hold grudges for the silliest of reasons, hmmm?"**_

**"I'm going to have to agree with you on that. Except for that 'too uncomfortable to join us' part. He doesn't have to call me names or shoot me dirty looks each time we talk. I am willing to bet that if Mikuru Asahina had the chest of an ironing-board and the face of a sewer-rat, he'd think his choices over more carefully. That good for nothing upstart wouldn't even know goodness for all of humanity if it bit him right in the-" **

_**"Tut tut, Fujiwara! Remember your blood-pressure."**_

**"...Hmpf. Whatever. So this thing you found out. What are we talking about? Information? Black-mail?" **

_**"Neither. Nothing that filthy. What I hold in my hands here is a copy of a tape that the SOS Brigade has made for a future culture festival at North High School. The contents of this video-tape detail a recruitment seminar that they have made in order to enlist more members for their club activities. A way for Haruhi Suzumiya to weed out the average folk from the supernatural ones."**_

**"And this works with us how...?" **

_**"By observing this tape, we can learn their mannerisms when it comes to social-interaction! Learn what to do and what not to do around them in our next encounter. No more antagonizing between us! It's a full-proof plan!"**_

**"...Kyouko, you lived a very sheltered life, didn't you? I mean, lowering our intellect to the level of teeny-boppers? This plan is filled with tons of flaws." **

_**"Hey, this is a really good idea of mine! And I don't ask you about your secret life, do I?"**_

**"Actually, you do. A lot." **

_**"...The point is that we must learn how our enemies think and plan their strategies. Now just think... By understanding them better, we can attempt to reason with Kyon better in swaying him over to our cause. After all, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. We all have to do something contradictory at least ONCE in our life." **_

**"Kind of how like I struggle with both wanting to beat your head in and wanting to tap that fine ass of yours?" **

_**"Yes, exactly like- LOOK, YOU CREEP, JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THE FREAKING TAPE, OKAY! I got things to do now-"**_

**"Like what? Installing spy-cameras into Sasaki's shower?" **

_**"I WILL NOT DIGNIFY THAT WITH A RESPONSE!"**_** "And, yet, you didn't deny it either." **

_**"...The point of the matter I am trying to make is that this tape is very, very, very important to our joint cause. Pop it in the VCR, watch it, and tell me how you felt about it. I have a few errands that I need to take care of. Here. Toodles."**_

**"Wait, you weren't kidding at all? You're seriously leaving me by myself to watch this? What the hell! I thought this was a team-effort thing!" **

_**"You're the sharpest one in our team. You've said so countless times. Think of this as the opportunity to back up your words. See you in an hour~!"**_

**"Kyouko! Hey! Get your scrawny ass back here! Don't you go skipping out that reinforced steel door! Don't you go wearing that smug smile on your face! Don't you go and start shutting that- KYOUKOOO! ...Treacherous tart. Why the heck didn't I see this coming at all? I'm the time-traveler for crying out loud! I'll make that esper suffer greatly! ...And yet, part of me wants her... Well, if I'm going to be stuck in this place for an hour, I'll need something to keep myself busy. Let's get this party started then. Here's the slot for the tape... The POWER button... Picture's coming through now... That was quick. Better take a seat." **

_A blurry picture on the television-screen materialized, showing a smiling Ryoko Asakura sitting at the SOS Brigade's main table. A flag with the SOS insignia was unfurled behind her on the wall. Her hands were neatly folded on the table, and a charming smile graced her lips. _

_"Hello, ladies and gentlemen of North High School. I am the classroom representative of Class 1-5, Ryoko Asakura. Many of you know me quite well, I hear. To all my friends and fellow classmates, I bid you a warm and cheery hello after my stay in the snowy land of Canada~!" Ryoko raised her left hand and enthusiastically waved at the camera._

**"Hmmmmm, Ryoko Asakura. I've heard about you from our very own Kuyou. A real spanner in the works if I ever saw one. Just whose side are you on anyways? Heh ha, I can't WAIT to meet you in person... Cute eyebrows though."**

_"Today, I will be doing my part in helping you to introduce a most miraculous afterschool club. A club that could really use some potential candidates in its ranks!" Ryoko continued in a cheery voice. Her sugary smile fell from her face in less than a second as a serious look appeared. "Now what follows is a terrifying journey into the world of magic,_ _mystery..." she continued ominously. _

**"...The hell am I watching again?"**

_From the right side of the screen, Itsuki Koizumi appeared, leaning in close to Ryoko's ear. "Miss Asakura, this is just a simple recruitment video for the SOS Brigade," he whispered, yet was still loud enough for the camera to pick up._

_Ryoko donned a look of complete shock, before shifting into a glare of anger. "What? Look I don't need to do this, I've got a pep rally in an hour!" With that said, Ryoko got out of her seat and angrily stomped out of the frame... ...only to return and glumly sit back down in the chair. Itsuki chose that moment to make his way off-screen. _

_"...Oh, what the hell, I need the money," Ryoko solemnly spoke, shifting once again into her friendly neighborhood schoolgirl routine again. "I present to you all... THE SOS BRIGADE!" Ryoko flung her arms out on either side of her before breaking into a series of high-pitched cackles. _

**"Oh, yes, my hopes for this film have definitely increased by now. And I'm willing to bet absolutely no one else will find her behavior unsettling. Just... quirky~! Sounds about right." **

_The laughing Ryoko faded out of view, replaced by a black screen. White text scrolled up, reading "A Haruhi Suzumiya Production". Another line of text followed, displaying "Written by Haruhi Suzumiya". "Edited by Haruhi Suzumiya" said a third line of white letters. _

**"Uh-huh... Let me guess. This was ALSO filmed by a Miss Suzumiya?"**

_"Camerawork by Kyon" came another line._

**"...Well, I was close."**

_"Starring Haruhi Suzumiya, Ultra Director. Also featuring Itsuki Koizumi, Mikuru Asahina, and Yuki Nagato. Costarring Kyon. Featuring a Guest Appearance by Ryoko Asakura. Shot on Location at North High School" read a streak of many more lines. A steady drumbeat in the background began to replace the silence. _

**"I am loving the fact that they didn't even use his real name in the god damned credits. And I am also wondering if the little lapdog should be angry that he wasn't even included in any of the main subjects or glad that his name wasn't haphazardly lumped together with the other subordinates. Hey, it's the title!"**

_The darkness of the screen was sudden hit by a storm of golden sparkles that swirled into frame and arranged themselves into letters, complete with a windy sound-effect. _

_"The SOS Brigade" the fancy new words onscreen read._

**"Woot. I completely forgot what I was watching for a moment there."**

_The title faded away from view as the drumming steadily grew louder. The video now showed a close-up of a bowl of pistachios sitting on top of a school desk. A hand suddenly dipped into the pistachios and scooped up a handful before casually dropping them back into the bowl. Judging by the slender fingers of the hand, it was easy to tell the person's gender as the camera backed away and slowly panned up the person's body. _

_"Why, hello, there. Fine day, isn't it? You like pistachios?" purred Haruhi Suzumiya, stirring the pistachios with a cat-like smile on her lips. She withdrew her hand from the bowl and sultrily reclined back in her chair, the perfect picture of mischief, poise, and daintiness. _

**"I am both aroused and terrified now."**

_"Well, folks," said Haruhi, clasping her hands together, "today is your lucky day. Luck-luck-lucky motherfucky day! Why? Because you're getting the privilege of getting to talk to the one and only, Haruhi Suzumiya! ...That's me, by the way. When you come walking through that SOS Brigade door of mine, you'll be given the honor of walking into a room of champions! Save the World by Overloading it with Fun, Haruhi Suzumiya's Brigade... That's what we're is all about!" _

**"I'm glad you took the time to remind me of who you were. I was thinking you were Itsuki Koizumi for a second."**

_Haruhi quickly got out of her chair in one fluid motion and pointed right at the camera. Lowering her hand to the side, she walked down the aisle, continuing her speech. The camera smoothly followed her moves. _

_"Of course, even with being champions, I wouldn't be surprised if you somehow taught me a thing or two. In fact, having an impact on any of my Brigade members would be a cause for celebration! I wouldn't mind if any of you fellas had an effect on my most hard working subordinate, Kyon. Hey! Kyon!" Haruhi shouted, cupping her hands to her mouth._ _Pausing at the front of the classroom, Kyon casually walked into frame and stopped in front of the tsundere. _

_"Yes, Chief?" he asked with unforeseen attentiveness. _

**"Oh, hey, it's her main monkey. Was wondering when he was gonna show up."**

_"Now, Kyon..." Haruhi said casually, hands on her hips."You like cute moeblobs, don't you?"_

_"Damn right, I like cute moeblobs," Kyon replied jovially. _

_Haruhi grinned, walking closer up to Kyon until her chest was pressed up against his own. "I'll betcha like them with big tits, huh?"_

_Kyon's smile grew even wider. "Oh, yeah. Love them big, fat titties!" _

**"...What? Did he... Did he just SAY that out loud?"**

_Turning to face the camera, Haruhi made an exuberant hand-gesture. "Can you name anyone in this world who wouldn't like a moeblob with big tits? Can you? Well, we here at the SOS Brigade just love them! We even have our own!"_ _Gesturing to her left, the camera followed Haruhi's motion, showing Mikuru standing next to the unoccupied desk of Okabe. She was dressed in her regular purple maid uniform. What was off about the circumstances was the fact that Mikuru actually looked happy. She just stood there with a bright smile as Kyon and Haruhi walked over to her. _

_"Hello, Miss Suzumiya! Hello, to you, too, Kyon!" Mikuru spoke with plenty of cheer. She then pulled a teacup from behind her back and held it out. "Would you care for a drink, Kyon? You look awfully parched."_

_"Good day, Miss Asahina. And thank you very much for this," Kyon greeted, taking his cup and sipping from it. "Delicious as always."_

**"Hello, my nemesis. Nice to see you... NOT! Heh heh. Still, why isn't she panicking or messing her lines up yet? And she looks much too happy. She should be wailing in terror at the sight of that ribboned-beast and hungry pervert!"**

_"Yo, Mikuru! Boys and girls, allow me to introduce the iconic mascot character of the SOS Brigade. Mikuru Asahina!" Haruhi shouted, wrapping her arms around a still calm Mikuru. "A cute moeblob with big tits! Doesn't she look totally sexy and pretty?" _

_"She sure does," Kyon agreed with a nod._

_When you're the mascot of the SOS Brigade, having moe-traits and big boobs is the most important thing ever! But what's even better is me getting to serve new recruits. Recruits that could be you~!" Mikuru cheered, shaking her chest at the camera. Haruhi and Kyon each gave her a thumbs-up of approval. _

**"Did... Did they just use blatant sex-appeal to bribe in new members? On a SCHOOL video? That TEACHERS and MINORS could possibly see? Oh, now what's going on?"**

_"Whoops, I'm falling over again! Now I'm all soaked in tea! Don't I look cute and loveable in this pose?" Mikuru squeaked, lying on the floor and shooting a cute look at the camera. She batted her eyelashes and brought up a fist to her chin for good measure as well. _

**"...I will put you out of your misery one of these days if it comes to it."**

_"As you can see, having a properly-trained moeblob is just one of the many advantages of being in the SOS Brigade. You ladies can also learn great tips from Mikuru here on how to get all the guys you want!" Haruhi declared, now pointing at Kyon. "But don't take only MY word on it! Let's see what Kyon has to say!"_

_The screen faded out with an all-black iris that zoomed in on Mikuru's breasts (fittingly). It then reopened on the actual SOS clubroom itself. Seated at the table were Kyon and Itsuki Koizumi, engaged in a game of chess. Yuki Nagato sat near the window, nose-deep in a large tome of literature._

**"If it isn't the brains and the brawn of this gang! Well, maybe they can at least offer me some tokens of intelligence after that last... THING."**

_"Hello, again, ladies and gentlemen. This here is the official clubroom of the SOS Brigade. A place where ideas, cosplay, and heroes are born. Isn't that right, Koizumi?" Kyon politely asked Itsuki, none of his usual cynicism in his tongue._

_"As the enigmatic transfer-student, I, Itsuki Koizumi, have to agree with you on that one, Kyon," Itsuki slickly said, giving the camera a princely smile and wink. "I am also glad to share in the awe that comes from our very own Yuki Nagato. Tell me, Miss Nagato, how are you doing today?"_

_Yuki shut her book, rose up from her chair, then strode over to the table. "Quite fine, Koizumi. I was just immersing myself in the marvelous works of Dan Simmons. I was giving the universe of Hyperion another glance. Very good," said the alien from right beside Kyon. _

_"It's a great thing that we can have such a tremendous example of a silent character in the SOS Brigade to have around. Not like the Computer Club," Kyon announced with a wave of his hand._

_Itsuki quirked an eyebrow. "Did he say what I think he just said?"_

_"I believe he did," Yuki said, now SMILING for once._

_The trio of teens turned to face the camera all together. "PANSY-ASS COMPUTER CLUB!"_

**"I REALLY don't like where this is going right now. And the alien is scaring me."**

_"Don't bother signing up for the Computer Club. They have enough tech-geeks as it is. You'd only be bothering them!" Itsuki exclaimed._

_"True, Koizumi, true," Kyon said. _

_"It's a good thing that I offer those pitiable losers the occasional visit. They would be nothing without my magnanimous presence and guidance," Yuki concluded, now looking as blank as always. _

_"Of course, heh heh heh... We kid!" said a voice from off-screen, revealing itself to be Haruhi. "The Computer Club is technically a part of the main body of the SOS Brigade. My loyal vassals who supply us with whatever I need! And in return, I reward them! Right, Yuki?"_

_Yuki nodded and came forward, allowing Haruhi to sling an arm around her shoulder "Absolutely. In exchange for providing the SOS Brigade top of the line services, I play my part in offering them assistance in any way I can. One of which includes me fulfilling their greatest fantasies." Yuki smiled seductively. "A service I am all too happy to supply. Never have I had a single complaint." Then she went back to looking dead in the face and went back to reading. _

**"...Oh, god, don't tell me she actually-"**

_"Hear that? Join the club, and Yuki here might take a shine to you~! Won't you, Yuki?"_

_"Indeed."_

_"See?"_

**"No, seriously! Don't try to breeze over it! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? Go back and acknowledge what you just said!"**

_"Gee, Miss Suzumiya. With all these great character archetypes in our club, are you sure we will be able to have a place for any new members?" Itsuki intoned in a curious tone of voice. _

_"Well, duh, Koizumi! Of course, we will! By joining the SOS Brigade, they can offer another devout associate to us that can study the occult! Seek out the mysteries of the world! Discover the secrets that lurk in every nook and cranny in this city!" Haruhi proclaimed with vigor._

_"Wow! That sounds really fun! I'm glad I'm already a member!" Mikuru spoke, walking into the frame from the left. "Even if I wasn't, I'd still be really interested in joining!"_

_Haruhi turned to the time-traveler with a large grin. "Your enthusiasm makes me happy, Mikuru! It should be making the people watching this video joyous as well. Because, ladies and gentlemen, once you join the SOS Brigade, you'll be dancing the motherfuckin' Hare Hare Yukai like nobody's business~! READY, EVERYONE~!"_

_"Ready!" shouted the rest of the Brigade as they went to go stand next to Haruhi._

**"Oh, my god, what are they doing now?"**

_The five kids then launched into an impromptu dance-routine, complete with a J-pop beat in the background. It was quite a sight to behold. Full of pointing, hip-shaking, and head-bobbing. _

_"I want to be the only one who~... Will solve the mysteries that take control of our lives~! With my friends, we will go anywhere in this world~... Forever for all of time~! Boon~!" crowed the voice of the female singer. _

**"NOT AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE! I like my sense of hearing, thank you! And just who is singing this crap?"**

_"So now you've seen what the SOS Brigade can offer to you as an afterschool club. But the funny thing is that we're not even through yet!" Haruhi said, performing a very high kick as the music faded away, as well as giving a brief cotton white panty-shot in the process. "We have plenty more to offer!"_

**"Not even pantsu can cheer me up."**

_"Think you're too dumb?" Mikuru asked the audience._

_"Think you're too hyper?" followed up Yuki._

_"Think you're too smart?" questioned Kyon._

_"Think you're too slow?" chimed in Itsuki._

_"Then no problem! We got all that covered!" Haruhi chirped with delight, setting a briefcase onto the table and popping it open; a myriad of pills in every color of the rainbow were nestled inside. "A few of these babies will get you where you need! Thanks again for providing these, Koizumi!"_

_"No trouble at all, Miss Suzumiya," Itsuki said innocently. _

**"I KNEW there was something off about that smile!"**

_"Don't forget to mention that we're very open about accepting members of ANY kind!" Mikuru added in cutely. She walked over to Yuki and stood next to her, smiling. _

_Yuki draped an arm across Mikuru's shoulders. "Very, very open..."_

_"We here at the SOS Brigade believe in a certain unspoken rule around here. Haruhi is very open about enforcing it," Kyon said to the camera. "While we don't wish to spoil it for you here, I'll say this: No matter how you are in the SOS Brigade, we don't ask..."_

_Itsuki slowly rose up from behind Kyon, wearing a sly smile. "...Or tell~."_

_The moment he'd finished saying that, Ryoko walked in from the side and started pacing around behind the group. Held over her head in her raised arms was a large sign that read, "HE'S STILL SINGLE, LADIES!". She made a few more trips before turning the sign around to reveal the words, "...AND SO AM I." surrounded by a bunch of cartoon hearts. She then exited with a smile as Kyon and Itsuki looked at each other with what could be called clear bromance. _

**"...Wha-Wha-Wha-"**

_Kyon glanced around and raised his arms. "I guess that's all we have to say about how much the SOS Brigade has to offer to the student body. What about you, Haruhi? Anything you wanna say to our viewers?"_

_"I do, Kyon. A question. Friends... don't you wanna be better than normal people? Then stop by the SOS Brigade clubroom! We'll whip you into shape!" Haruhi screamed, pointing at the camera with her right index finger. "And admit it; wouldn't YOU like to be one of my minions? SIGN UP TODAY~!"_

_The view then faded out to black, a single line of text appearing to majestic music before the credits (really just some of the opening lines repeated) began to scroll up._

_"TEH END!". _

**"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"**

_**"Oh, Fujiwara! It's me again! Finished my errands! And look who I found on my way over!"**_

"Hello..."

_**"Kuyou, I can't wait to hear how your meeting in space went! I bet it was really cool."**_

"...Why is Fujiwara lying on the floor in a puddle of his own vomit?"

_**"Huh? What do you- SWEET SASSY MOLASSY! Fujiwara! What happened to you! And just what did you do to the T.V. to put that huge, smoking hole in it? SPEAK TO ME!"**_

**"T-T-That tape... It was... HORRIBLE. Awful! Perverse! Sick, twisted, vile SOS Brigade!"**

_**"Was the tape THAT bad?"**_

**"Oh, it was! I should lay waste to you right here and now for making me watch that piece of crap! Half of what I saw in that video was repulsive! Breasts, free drugs, this crazy Hare Hare dance, and... something about some blue-haired nut being single or something. IT'S ALL VERY TRAUMATIZING TO ME RIGHT NOW."**

_**"Gee, I'm sorry to had to go through then. If it makes you feel any better, the reports say that according to the school board's statistics, the club only received about eleven members that wanted to join the Brigade."**_

**"E-Eleven? Just eleven people? H-H-Ha ha ha... HA HA HA! I knew no one would take that tape seriously! And even if they DID want to sign up, those eleven students must be complete idiots! BWA HA HA HA!"**

_**"Oh, wait. My mistake. It was actually 111! I guess a lot of people liked it or something. Funny how the mind forgets things like that, huh?"**_

**"...What?"**

_**"Fujiwara? Are you okay? You look pale..."**_

**"..."**

_**"...Fujiwara?"**_

**"..."**

_**"...OH, MERCIFUL SASAKI, I'VE KILLED HIM!"**_

"He has not expired. I am still detecting a pulse from his body. He lives."

_**"That's good! But if we don't do anything, we may lose him! We gotta do something fast! Ummmmm... Kuyou?"**_

"What is your request?"

_**"Do you know how to perform CPR?"**_

"...YEEES~."

* * *

**Fun and Games and Forgetfulness: **

Today was an ordinary Saturday afternoon for the residents of Nishinomiya. It was after-school and the Anti-SOS Brigade were gathered together in the little apartment they called home. Actually, the apartment belonged to Kyouko Tachibana, the group's esper, and was mostly used as a meeting-ground or just to chill out. And today was a day that was strictly reserved for chilling out.

The four members were strewn about the living room doing their own thing. Sasaki was sitting on the couch with Kyouko, doing her homework for cram school. While this was taking place, the esper was staring intently at her future goddess in between her television commercials.

Next to them, Kuyou Suou, resident alien and Nightmare Fuel Station Attendant, was sitting on a chair and taking apart Kyouko's telephone and reassembling it. For the seventh time.

Unlike his usual self, he wasn't sneering or scowling (his default expressions for anything). Instead, he was curled up in a corner of the room on a small blanket Sasaki had rolled out for him. He'd been like that for a few days, only getting up to go to the future, eat something, or to relieve himself.

You'd be like that, too, if you woke up with a mouthful of alien tongue.

Suddenly, Sasaki stopped doing her calculus homework and began to tap her chin with her pencil. "Hmmmmmmm..." she muttered. "I just realized something."

"What is it, Sasaki?" questioned Kyouko, who had momentarily stopped picturing Sasaki lying naked in a field of roses.

"I just remembered that I never gave Kyon my cell-phone number. The coffee shop would have been a perfect place to exchange them at," Sasaki huffed in disappointment. "Just how am I going to keep in touch with him? Though I'm ashamed to say, I've even forgotten just what street he lives on."

Placing her pencil down, she reached into her skirt pocket and brought out a small magenta cell-phone. After staring at it for a few seconds, the girl let out a small sigh of annoyance (that Kyouko found absolutely endearing by the way).

"Well..." began Kyouko, wanting to be a big help, "we could always head down to his school and ask him for it. He's probably still there with that club of his. We could leave right now if you want. That is, if you don't mind any company..."

"That sounds like a plan! A little stroll would be fine with me. Thank you, Kyouko," said Sasaki, who flashed a million watt smile. Kyouko had to force herself not to swoon right then and there.

Fujiwara, who had taken the time to stop shivering in his bubble of woe, looked over at his cohorts. "What's this about going over to a school to visit a group of bumpkins?" he half-snarled, half-whined at the girls.

"I just want to visit Kyon and get his number," Sasaki explained calmly. "You don't have to do anything at all."

"You'll be out in plain sight where the Agency and IDTE agents can get a shot at you. Not to mention certain time-agents. You should let the rest of us accompany you along the way. Yes..." the blond teenager nervously explained. Near him, Kuyou had set the assembled telephone on the coffee table and turned to her companions.

"Yes. It would be most unwise to leave. Protection is needed. We shall all go. Together," she said stoically. Fujiwara shivered at the sound of her voice. No way he'd stay behind with Kuyou while there were no witnesses around.

Sasaki crossed her arms a bit before shrugging her shoulders. "Well, in that case, let's go already. I don't want to miss Kyon. Come along, Kyouko, Fujiwara, and K- Hey, where did Kuyou go?"

Like she'd pointed out, Kuyou had mysteriously disappeared. In her place was Kyouko's phone. No other trace remained.

"Maybe she went to get the number herself," the esper thought.

The time-traveler was skeptical. "No, if she were gone, I'd feel more secure. I still have the eerie feeling she's around."

"...Guys, did I ever have an extra phone?" Kyouko suddenly brought up. To Sasaki's utter surprise, there was another identical phone right behind the one on the chair Kuyou had been playing with. Fujiwara walked up to it for a look.

"Now just where do you think this came from?" Fujiwara said out loud, turning to face the two girls. He suddenly felt a great chill behind him and spun around...

...to find a pair of black eyes staring into his soul.

"Boo."

"AAAAAAHHH!"

"Ugh," Sasaki sighed. "Kuyou, stop rearranging your data and turning yourself into other objects. It's creepy. I'm still freaked out by the time you pretended to be my calculator. Or tricked me into putting food in you when you were my dad's icebox."

"My skills at espionage are improving at a steady rate," Kuyou stated, not noticing a shaking Fujiwara clinging to Kyouko.

"Let's hope Suzumiya doesn't overreact in some petty way," Sasaki said, heading towards the door. Kuyou trailed after her like a protective dog. Seeing as he was in the clear, Kyouko shook off the jerk from the future.

"You can relax, Kuyou's not even near you anymore. Now you heard our leader. To the den of the lions!" Kyouko exclaimed.

"Thanks for that. On an unrelated matter..." Fujiwara took a scrap of paper out of his pocket and scribbled something onto it with a nearby pen. "I have to give this to you. It's very important."

Kyouko took the paper and stared down at it in surprise. "Erm, Fujiwara? This... This _kinda_ looks a lot like your cell-phone number."

"Uhhh, that's because it is," the smirking jerk said, shifting his eyes nervously.

"Why would you give me your phone-number in the first place? Don't you usually just pop in whenever?" a curious Kyouko asked.

Fujiwara scratched the back of his neck shyly and then spoke in a cracking sort of voice. "B-B-Because, K-K-Kyouko... I.. I want you. I want you soooo bad."

"...Say what?"

"Because you hate me. And I hate you. Together, we just produce so much... hatred, that it would melt whatever got in our way. Total opposites. Don't you see? Every day you find a new way to piss me off. You guys don't even want to hear about the movie I was forced to watch. There was so much... _suckage_ that it bent the very laws of physics before my eyes! I wanted to kill you so much, but I just couldn't. And because of you, my socially and mentally-challenged friend, I have an additional goal in my agenda. After abolishing time-travel, I have to let all the people of the world know that Haruhi Suzumiya is a terrible director! And we can let them know together! What do you say?"

The esper stuffed the paper into her maroon skirt, eyes wide with fear and uneasiness. "Ummmmmmmmm... I have to go. Like right NOW," Kyouko hurriedly said, rushing off to the other two girls.

Fujiwara shut his eyes, the tune of Madame Butterfly playing softly in the background. _Someday, Kyouko... Just one of these days... You WILL be mine... _

"Hey, Fujiwara! What's taking you so long? Get a move on!"

"_Coming, Sasaki~! _...Bitch."

The party of four then left the apartment and quickly headed towards a large van parked outside the building. Unbeknownst to Sasaki, Kyouko, Fujiwara, and Kuyou were giddily contemplating on how they could wheedle over Kyon to their side once the powerless god with them had gotten all chummy with him. Once outside, the four noticed there were not very many people out today.

"We'll get there faster if drive," said Fujiwara, desperately hoping none of the girls would see the '**If This Van's a Rocking, Don't Come a Knocking**' bumper-sticker on the back. It was before they reached vehicle, that Kuyou noticed something was amiss and stopped walking immediately.

"What's wrong, Kuyou?" said Kyouko, who noticed the little alien's odd behavior. "Do you have to use the potty?"

In response, Kuyou lifted up her hand and pointed at a cluster of bushes on the sidewalk to her right. "There," said Kuyou, who had slowly begun to walk towards the bushes. At her words, the vegetation jiggled slightly.

"Is it a bunny?" asked a hopeful Kyoko. Sasaki muttered something about Kyouko being lucky that her esper powers could only function in Closed Space. Fujiwara just sat back and watched as Kuyou reached into the largest bush and pulled out something. It was a girl.

"Owww!" she cried, trying free her wrist from Kuyou's death grip. Fujiwara and Kyouko immediately headed to Sasaki's sides to act as meat-shields.

"Identify yourself," droned Kuyou. The girl was wearing a school uniform from North High and had green eyes. Long, pale, green hair hung down from her head. She stopped her struggling and put on a syrupy smile.

I'm sure all of you observant kids know who this character is, right?

"Ahhh," she said in a smarmy tone. "We meet again." This statement caused Kuyou to cock her head to the side in confusion. The minute girl blinked a few times and released her hold on her captive.

"We HAVE? Gee, Miss Tsuruya, I didn't even know that you _knew_ that we were spying on you all those times! Nice disguise by the way," Kyouko said, giving the female a once-over. This response caused the other girl's smile to evolve into a frown.

"I'm not Tsuruya, you ignoramus! I was your waitress at the cafe you went to two weeks ago. You grabbed my wrist back then, too, Suou."

"I did...?"

"Of course, you did! You bolted right out of the cafe a few seconds after. Don't tell me none of you remember me? C'mon, we shared an evil plot this one time! Eh? Ring any bells?"

Sasaki shook her head in a positive way (meaning she really was a goody-goody at heart), Kyouko stared at the girl like a frog that was being dissected, and Fujiwara just scratched the side of his head while furrowing his brow. Kuyou looked only slightly more clueless than usual.

"At least _one _of you does..." the girl groaned. "I'm Emiri Kimidori! Why does everyone forget me so easily? Is it my face? Is there something about my personality that rubs people the wrong way? You'd think people would have a hard time forgetting someone with green hair! I've left a much more lasting impression on people than that dog-loving Sakanaka loser!"

From across the street, Sakanaka's lower lip trembled before she broke out in a flurry of tears and ran off, J.J. being dragged behind her on the sidewalk by his leash.

"Well, it's nice to see you, Miss Kimidori. What's fresh?" Sasaki asked happily.

"Analyzing data, studying humans, bought some new shoes, catching up on some recent anime. The usual. What about you and your... friends?" Emiri pointed at the rest of the group with distaste.

"We're off to try and visit Kyon. I want to see if he would be interested in trading cell-phone numbers with me," the philosopher replied.

"We're increasing relations~!" Kyouko stuck her tongue out at the alien from the safety behind Kuyou.

"I see. How intriguing," Emiri mused, crossed her arms. "Unfortunately... I CANNOT ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN!"

"What's with the sudden drama?" Fujiwara questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"...I like to pepper my dialogue with bits like that. Fits my high rank in the Integrated Thought Entity. Anyways, something this simple will have quite the impact on your factions getting closer to Kyon. I won't let you endanger our ties with someone so influential to Haruhi Suzumiya," Emiri declared, shaping the fingers on her right hand into lengthy silver-colored claws. Sasaki paled as the other blanched. Except for Kuyou.

"You can't just kill us in broad daylight. That's very foolish," pointed out Fujiwara.

"It may seem that way. But I have already begun to manipulate the data in this area. In a few short moments, there will be no way to escape!" Emiri taunted, walking up with her claws.

"...This from the same being who was using a shrub as camouflage. Some higher-being you are."

"That does it, I'm getting rid of you first."

"Meep!"

Sasaki was just about to launch into a storm of words in order to barter her freedom (and maybe give up Kyouko in the process), when Kuyou teleported barely an inch in front of the opposing interface. She had the perfect plan of action in mind.

"Bitch, please," Kuyou spat, morphing her hair into a massive fist and using it to pick up Emiri by the feet and toss her into the sky with the grace of Aphrodite and the fury of Ares. She felt using that phrase she'd heard Fujiwara always say to other humans was needed for the occasion (despite not knowing what it meant).

"I won't stand for this! I'll get my revenge on you if my name isn't Emiri Kimidori! I'll be baaaaaaack!" the girl with seaweed hair cried as she sailed over three city-blocks. A large explosion soon followed that.

"My, Kuyou, you saved us from that rube," Sasaki admired.

Kyouko stared off in the direction Emiri had taken off. "Gee, is she going to be all right? She hit the ground _pretty_ hard..."

"She will be fine. Her consciousness shall drift into a new body crafted for her," Kuyou muttered, not even bothered by the fact that she'd just blown someone up.

"Ahhh... Neat."

"If getting Kyon's number is going to make people come after us, then maybe I should just stop altogether. I don't want to cause trouble. Maybe I'll just go see him on my own on a school day or..." Sasaki seemed to look defeated for once.

"Oh, now, Sasaki, you just settle down and don't worry your pretty 'lil head none! We've always be there to take care of you and off guidance~!" Kyouko sang, swinging her right index finger in a Tomo-esque way.

Sasaki frowned "That's what worries me. And what's with the sudden Southern accent?"

"I think she's experiencing a heat-stroke. Maybe we should just keep going on, dangers or not," Fujiwara piped up, scooting away from a clingy Kuyou.

Sasaki's eyes widened as her esper friend kept trudging ahead. "I _really_ think we should probably all just go back inside. I'll go home later."

Kyouko chuckled and kept walking around, not even noticing the tall figure she was about to bump into. "Oh, please? What can happen next? We run into that Sonou Mori dolt? Believe me when I say that I am not scared of that uppity bi- Hey, watch where you're going, you- SWEET NECTAR OF A NECTARINE PLANTAIN!"

Swaying on her feet with a disturbing smile on her face, Mori, clad in her maid clothes, sent a glazed-over look at the quartet. Kyouko noted that her clothes looked very disheveled and she smelled like some kind of sweet musk. For the curious, Mori had made the mistake of getting into Itsuki and Arakawa's 'special' brown stash an hour ago.

"Nice t-t-to s-see you, M-Miss Mori! I-I'm n-n-not k-kidnapping anyone today..." Kyouko stuttered out. The maid strode right past the nervous girl until she was right in front of Sasaki. She giggled creepily.

"Hiiii..." Mori said airily.

"Afternoon," Sasaki replied uneasily. Fujiwara decided to do something about this. Unlike Kyouko, the time-traveler held no reason to really fear Mori.

"All right, Frenchie, what exactly do you wa-" He was interrupted when Mori suddenly turned and flicked him in the shoulder with a surprising amount of strength. "AAAAAHHH!" he cried as he fell into a bush.

"I'll save you," Kuyou offered, heading towards her favorite toy with grabby-looking hands and tentacles.

"ACCK! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"...You sure look cute. Real purty~. Heh heh heh..." Mori said with a light drawl in her speech. She took one of Sasaki's hands and clasped it tightly. Now she had her trademark close-eyed smile painted on. Sasaki instantly felt her Bad Touch-vibe flaring up at the sight. Kyouko twitched a bit.

"T-Thank you, Miss...?"

"Call me Mori, babe. Heh heh hur hur..."

"Please stop touching my face."

"Shhhh... You have very smooth skin~..."

"Y-You're hurting me..."

KYOUKO WAS _**NOT **_AMUSED.

"Hey, you!" Kyouko said loudly, a large vein in her forehead. She tapped the older esper on the shoulder.

Still doped up, Mori turned around, smiling and frowning somehow. "Nyeeeeees?"

Fast and strong as she was, Kyouko's uppercut to her chin was something she did NOT see coming. Like Emiri before her, Mori went sailing over a few blocks, complete with the Goofy holler.

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THWARTING MY BOOTY-CALL, GIANT TALKING TWINKIE!" Again, a large explosion followed the maid's landing.

"Holy crap, Kyouko! You pwned someone for once!" exclaimed Fujiwara, having already escaped the bush and a disappointed Kuyou.

"Kyouko, you saved me from that crazy woman! How can I ever repay you?" Sasaki eagerly asked.

Kyouko would have abused this like hell, but she was feeling much too gallant at the moment. "Think nothing of it Sasaki. I was only acting on what a true blue friend would do for another! After all, you have to be saved for marriage if you're going to end up with me- Kyon! YES. KYON. Ha ha ha ha ha..." she nervously tittered.

"Well, shit, if this is going to result in me getting injured time and time again, we might as well give up this crazy crusade and order a pizza" Fujiwara snapped, trying in vain to keep Kuyou from rubbing up against his thigh.

"It's not my fault everyone seems to think I have such a huge influence on Kyon. And for the record, I think you should be a bit nicer to Kuyou. She's just very fond of you," Sasaki helpfully put in.

"Lady, this gothic nightmare pretty much raped me a few days ago. I'm not even sure she has a human tongue. It was like a slimy feather-duster!"

"I am capable of disassembling the data of sentient life-forms, regardless of whether they are dead or alive, with a single gesture of my hands," Kuyou suddenly announced in nearly silent voice.

Fujiwara slowly turned to look down at Kuyou, wearing a look of terror (much like Sasaki and Kyouko were doing). "_**Why**_ would you suddenly say something like that...?"

"To prove that I would untimely destroy all living things that ever threatened me or you," Kuyou whispered, twisting her heel into the ground.

"Awwwwww..." Kyouko gushed. "That's both sweet and completely horrific."

The blond man from the future put on his best impression of the "Look of Disapproval" smiley, and started to hurriedly stalk away. "Nope. Uh-uh. No way. Not gonna happen. This shipping thing has gone too far. You're just my lackey. Let's just end the story here. The readers' interested has probably dropped to zero already."

"Now, Fujiwara, I thought you wanted to still see Kyon. What about what you said about escorting me?" Sasaki pointed out, trying to use some of her authority.

"And what story?" Kyouko questioned.

"WHAT! Are you an idiot? We've almost gotten attacked or molested twice in a row. You'd think I'd see this, being the time-traveler and all. I don't like being in the company of people who are idiots or scare the ever-long hell out of me," Fujiwara howled, pointing at Kuyou and ignoring the pigtailed girl.

"_I can smell your fear,_" Kuyou muttered under her breath.

Fujiwara's eyes bulged out. "YA SEE WHAT I MEAN HERE?"

"I am also quite intelligent. I can think for the both of us."

Fujiwara growled like a testy wolf then sneered brutally. "Oh, yeah! Well... Whubat ubam ubi subayubing rubight nubow?"

Kuyou gazed lifelessly at the time-traveler and said, "Ubagubain, ubi wubatch ubold . shubows. Ubi knubow whubat Ubububi Dubububi ubis. Ubit ubis oubne ubof thube mubore subimpuble lubangwubage-gubames. Stubop trubyubing tubo bube smubart, Fubujubiwubaruba."

"...If you're trying to get me to like you, then you're really screwing yourself over," Fujiwara growled at Kuyou. Ignoring that previous and dorky Zoom reference, Sasaki decided to voice a sudden thought that had come to her.

"You know what? I think my mother is still friends with Kyon's mother. I could just ask her if she can get in touch with her soon and see if she'd be okay with giving me his phone number. Yes, I think that will do nicely. Anyone want to do something else?" Sasaki smiled brightly as though nothing had happened in the past few minutes.

Kyouko and Fujiwara gaped at her. "...Wanna go to the arcade then?" they both said simultaneously.

"That sounds like a good way to kill time. I have some money on me anyways. Great idea, you two!"

"...Whee."

"Arcade?" Kuyou inquired. She wondered if you could you eat it.

"It's a place where you can play all of these games and just generally have a good time. They're very enjoyable," the calm brunette explained.

"Intriguing. This requires further observation."

So the foursome made their way to the local arcade. Fujiwara, paranoid that his corny bumper-sticker would be seen, suggested that they all go for a ride on the trolley that went near the main district. They all agreed and enjoyed a rather uneventful three minute ride. Well, except for a few instances where Fujiwara kept trying to tell Sasaki about the SOS Brigade's movie that he had been made to watch; she had either not heard him because of car sounds or was just tuning him out. When they stopped at their destination, Kuyou took the time to admire the colorful lights and sounds coming from the building.

"Pretty," she whispered.

"Well, we're here," Fujiwara stated. "Shall we?"

"Yeah! Let's go in and have lots of fun!" Kyouko cheered. "I'll play whatever as long as it's fun. Anything specific you wanna do first, Sasaki?"

"You know what, Kyouko?" Sasaki said with a warm smile. "I'm starting to see you're much more than a blinded follower, crazed zealot, or obsessive fangirl. You're one of my very best friends. Almost like a sister to me. I don't even think I can recall why I ever hated you in the first place."

To put it lightly, Kyouko was so damn happy at hearing those words from her beloved god, that she grabbed both sides of Sasaki's head and delivered a big, wet, sloppy kiss right on the lips. Then she let go and danced off like Daffy Duck, whilst giggling like a lunatic.

"Oh, yeah... THAT'S why..."

Fujiwara snorted as Kuyou walked ahead of him, wearing his best troll-face. "I gotta say, you really had that coming."

Wiping off psychic slobber, Sasaki stared off after the cheerful psychic, her mouth set in a thin line as her eyes darkened. "The second that trolley comes back for us, I'm going to throw her under the fucking tracks."

And so Sasaki, Kyouko, Fujiwara, and Kuyou entered the arcade, the obligatory pop-culture reference that was going to be coming up soon tagging along behind them.

To skip ahead, the gang of foils had a really good time. They played both Whack-a-Mole and Whack-a-Gator. Given his fondness of animal-abuse, he loved them. They then played several rounds of air-hockey with each other. Sasaki won a match against Kyouko (she thought she had easily creamed her, when the esper had really just let her win) and Fujiwara, Kuyou won three against everyone, Kyouko actually beat Fujiwara, and the time-traveler won none of them because he claimed he'd fallen on his 'hockeying' hand earlier. They even played a few rounds of Dance Dance Revolution, but since Kuyou wasn't drunk, she didn't score as high. All in all, they were having a ball.

**An Hour Later...**

"Die, obsolete insects. You will exist no more," Kuyou hissed like a Zerg Hydralisk as she blasted the sixth claw-wielding ninja that jumped at her.

Sasaki, Fujiwara, and Kyouko leaned against a wall as they watched Kuyou play Time Crisis all by herself at one of the machines. By herself, the alien was a very adapt shooter, easily picking off mercenaries and ninjas alike. They had tried their hands at the two-player option, but found that their playing styles contrasted with one another's. For example:

Fujiwara and Sasaki equaled reasonably good. Sasaki and Kyouko equaled pretty mediocre. Kuyou and Kyouko equaled above average. Fujiwara and Kuyou equaled DAMN GOOD. Very varied levels of cooperation here.

As Kuyou continued her shooting rampage, Sasaki continued with the interesting conversation she had been having. "So did you actually think Fujiwara was gay when you first met him, too, Kyouko?"

"Ex-CUSE me!" Fujiwara sputtered before Kyouko could answer. "You thought I was gay? Why!"

Sasaki shrugged carelessly. "It's just the way you tend to carry yourself. You have a certain flair for doing things and are obsessed with Kyon. That, and you always seem to be wearing a pink shirt."

"Yay, a fellow gay~!" Kyouko cried happily, latching onto Fujiwara's neck like an insane scarf.

While he enjoyed the sensation, the blond was quite irked at his cohort's assumption. "For starters, I am not gay. I am one-hundred percent heterosexual. I prefer supple beings of the female persuasion... NOT DUDES. And second of all, I _don't _wear pink! I wear salmon! AND NO ONE HAD BETTER MENTION THAT _**FUCKING COSTUME**_ TO ME AGAIN!"

Kyouko let go and slunk back. "Nyoro~n."

"...What?"

"Oh, forget I even brought up that notion. And to set the record straight, Kyouko, you're not gay- just incredibly clingy and annoying. Now how about this for a question, Fujiwara? What... do you think of Kuyou~?" Sasaki smiled, gesturing to their alien companion. The group's esper just watched back with a derpy look. If Sasaki had told her something, then it must be true!

Fujiwara just sneered and jabbed a finger at Sasaki. "How about this? I'm going to ask YOU a question, Miss Know-it-all!"

The supposed leader of the Anti-SOS frowned, then smiled brightly. "Go ahead. Ask me anything. I'll answer it honestly and as best as I can." Kyouko laughed to herself. Once again, Sasaki was going to put nasty old Fujiwara in his place.

"What is your whole name?" the time-traveler smiled.

Sasaki suddenly frowned, creating a puzzled look on Kyouko. "...None of your business."

"C'mon... Tell me."

"..."

"I don't see what the problem is. You never _actually_ told us your whole name. You usually just go by Sasaki. We don't even know if that is your first name or family name. Funny how none of us really checked for ourselves."

"...Shit, now I want to know! Tell us your whole name, Sasaki!" Kyouko pleaded to her idol.

"The hell I will. I am NOT telling it to _anyone_. Not even Kyon knows. What makes you think I'll be sharing that info with any one of you?" Sasaki growled irritably.

Kyouko's face soon turned mischievous. "Because if you don't, I'll cause a scene."

Now THAT caught Sasaki's attention. Kyouko was pretty damn notorious for causing a spectacle. And half of them were mainly in the company of her friends. She really didn't want a repeat of what had happened at that Burger King last month. All those traumatized children and soccer-moms...

"All right, all right, I'll spill. But just because I don't want a repeat of the Cherry ICEE fiasco. The thing about my name is..." Sasaki mumbled something intelligible. That, or no one could hear her over the nearby game noises.

"What did you say?" Fujiwara asked.

"...da..." she whispered, glaring down at her shoes.

"I couldn't _quite_ make that out," the sneering bastard teased.

Sasaki put on the wickedest glare she could muster and said, "My parents named me Zeruda. There. I said it."

For those of you who are interested, translated in English, Zeruda pretty much turns into... Zelda.

"...I see," said a stone-faced Fujiwara, leaning up against a nearby trash can. "Well, at least your name ain't something like Ruth."

"Shut up. And don't look at me like that either! My parents went through this weird cultural phase. It doesn't help that my dad actually owns a Nintendo 64 and a copy of Majora's Mask, and still tries to get me to marathon the three day time-limit with him on holidays. The irony is not lost on me, I can assure you. So let's just never bring this up," Sasaki spat, trying to force her blush to go away.

"That's a very fancy name, Sasaki! I like it! It's becoming of one so modest and wise as yourself," Kyouko gushed, her head trying to work its way into Sasaki's ass. Metaphorically, that is. Sasaki herself just crossed her arms while looking all pouty. All was quiet between the three. ...Until Fujiwara started to loudly hum Saria's song, while he continued to lean against the trash can.

"Fujiwara, stop humming that theme."

"How come?"

"Because it's annoying."

"...But you're_ ZELDA._"

"FUCK IT," said Sasaki. "WE'VE DRAGGED ON LONG ENOUGH. WE'RE GOING HOME!"

"But I don't wanna go home yet! I'm having fun!" Kyouko shrieked, grabbing Sasaki in a pity-glomp.

Sasaki was unmoved and shook her off. "I don't care. I want to go to my house and get that number from my mom. Grab Kuyou and then we can go. And, Fujiwara, if you say one more thing about that movie Suzumiya made, I'm going to kick you in what little manhood you possess."

"What?" Fujiwara cried out in alarm, jolting up. "You KNEW all along! Why did you pretend not to hear me all those times!"

"Because, believe it or not, I sometimes don't give a shit about what you think at all," retorted a sour-faced Sasaki.

"...Well, now that's just plain mean."

"Hey, I don't see Kuyou anywhere. You think she left without us?" Kyouko spoke up, having checked on the machine the alien had been playing at. The other two members of the Anti-SOS Brigade stopped their squabbling and saw that the spot was vacant of any long-haired extraterrestrials.

"Great. Fabulous. A shape-changing alien that can turn invisible is loose in a building full of potential objects she can confuse for food. We're doomed," Sasaki sighed, facepalming.

"Look on the bright side. We might never see her again!" Fujiwara cheered, looking visibly relieved. He leaned back in pure bliss.

Kyouko squinted a bit and placed her hands on her hips. "...How long has that trash can been here for?"

"Huh? What do you-"

"Hello."

"AAAAAAHHH! DAMN YOU, KUYOU!"

"I had already finished my game. I was the trash can the entire time," Kuyou said.

"You'll be a goth-shaped indent on one of these walls if you don't come along with us," Sasaki scolded. She stomped over to the alien and picked her up by the waist, slinging her over her shoulder like she was taking her captive. Kyouko and Fujiwara began to head after her. How their leader managed to easily carry someone whose hair weighed more than their own body-mass was beyond them.

"...So you still got my phone-number with you?" Fujiwara asked nonchalantly, trying to fight off an eager grin.

Kyouko darted her eyes in a distressed manner. "SAY, KUYOU, HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH FUJIWARA DOING?"

"Positive," Kuyou returned.

"For the last time, we're just coworkers in this line of work! Stop trying to build up something that isn't there! Honestly, you and your data-manipulation skills might be useful, but they scare the crap out of me. The only thing _more_ frightening than you would be a short story that featured you as the central character happening right after this mess!" the time-traveler scowled evilly.

It was probably for just three seconds, but when the Sky Canopy Dominion representative's face slowly broke out into a smile befitting that of a mannequin (or serial-killer), time seemed to slow down for Fujiwara.

"What?"

"Well..."

"_**...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_"

So with a screaming Fujiwara (who _still_ never got to tell the others about the movie he'd seen) in tow, the Anti-SOS Brigade left the arcade and headed back to base. And on the way home, Sasaki did manage to throw Kyouko under the trolley. Lots of blood was spilled.

She got better though.

* * *

**Kuyou-in-a-box: **

Have you ever heard of a man named Eliezer Yudkowsky?

Other than possessing a very hard to write name, he is known for his many scientific theories. One of his theories was a project know as "The AI Box Experiment". The experiment worked out something along the lines of this: A man and a computer program would be placed in a room together for a game of sorts. Said AI was imprisoned within a box. Now in order for the man to win this game, we would simply have to not let the AI program escape the confines of the box. As expected, the computer's prime objective was to try and convince the man (in any way it could, mind you) to let it free from its prison. A simple press of a button would allow the AI unit to escape and claim victory if they were able to reason with and fool the human subject. The main gist of Eliezer's exercise was to test the willpower of man and see how far technology could push it to its ultimate limits.

Doesn't that sound like such an interesting thing?

...Well, too bad for you, you're not getting anything that fancy around here, so have Kuyou getting trapped in a box.

"Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. A trail of industrial-processed goodies, all for me to analyze," Kuyou Suou monotoned to herself as she walked down the street of downtown Nishinomiya. She'd been on recon duty for the big-wigs of the Sky Canopy Dominion and following the movements of Emiri Kimidori at a local bookstore. Emiri hadn't seemed to know she'd been followed by an invisible ink-blot of a girl, making Kuyou's job all the more easier. She was certain this would be a simple task to complete... until something much more interesting had caused her to abandon her post outside the shop and drop her invisibility program.

Namely a trail of candy leading down the street.

The bright colors of the trail of Skittles left out before her might have been stepped on by careless pedestrians, but she didn't care. Crawling on her hands and knees, she began to slurp up the brightly colored candies like an anteater.

"What is that girl doing?" a young girl with purple hair tied up in a bow asked her older sister.

"Just... ignore her, sis," the older twin-tailed sibling replied. Kuyou kept following the trail of delightful Skittles, oblivious to the horror that would soon surround her. The very last few Skittles led her right to a set of grids drawn in purple and green chalk, set up very much like a hopscotch pattern. It happened the moment Kuyou slurped up the last bit of candy.

Without a single noise being, the squares of chalk and concrete seemed to 'lift' themselves up from the ground and form into structure around her. "...What...?" Kuyou briefly asked, rubbing her fingers along the smooth cardboard walls of the refrigerator-sized box. A small slit in the front let her peer through to the outside world.

What no one really knew was that Kuyou had actually had a terrible expereince with cardboard in the past. She'd once gotten an data error when talking to her superiors and ended up passing out in a nearby bin full of cardboard-based recyclables. Boxes, toilet-paper tubes, and the like. The event had been horribly traumatizing to her.

This is also a half-assed way of trying to justify why she couldn't just teleport out or tear her way out like Wolverine.

"Does not compute. Does not compute. Does not compute. DOES NOT COMPUTE..." the long-haired child muttered, now sitting at the very bottom of the box and rocking back and forth. Her face was one of complete fear.

Needless to say, in her own alien way, Kuyou was now _freaking the fuck out_.

**From Nearby...**

A loud snicker came from the mouth of one Emiri Kimidori. "Ah ha ha ha ha! What a complete dumbass! I mean, a two-year old could get out of this trap! ...Okay, maybe not. But a squirrel could! Or a cat! Or a lemur; those are smart animals. I always wanted one of those. I would keep him safe, give him a little, hat, and call him Mr. Snuggles~..."

Emiri trailed off, oblivious to the other alien with purple hair dropping in boredom and falling asleep for the first time ever. Noticing her snoozing companion, the greenette elbowed her in the side.

"Huh...? What? Is it time for dinner yet?" Yuki asked, blinking groggily.

"Nagato, wake up! You fell asleep on your feet like a horse!" Emiri pointed out.

"No offense, Kimidori," Yuki murmured, yawning. "But anytime you open your mouth is similar to being injected with fifty tons of sleeping-pills."

Emiri's face flashed with anger. "Just how is that supposed to be filled with _no offense_?"

"It's just a saying. It doesn't have to be true."

"...Nevertheless, our plot to incapacitate Kuyou Suou has succeeded. Playing off her fear of being claustrophobic was a brilliant move, Nagato."

"Thank you."

"Can we confront her now for questioning? I really want to see her squirm."

Yuki eyed the box containing the incomprehensible extraterrestrial, only for her stomach to rumble. "...We'll check on her in a moment. I'm feeling what humans call 'hunger'. I work better after I eat," Yuki responded, rubbing her side.

Emiri grunted in irritation. "You have spend too much time around humans. But of course. We'll get you something to munch on. There's an ice-cream parlor across the street. We'll head there and come back."

"Oooh, I like that. My tongue enjoys the frosty sensation," Yuki said with sparkly eyes.

"Ha ha ha ha..." Emiri giggled then waved across the street at the imprisoned Kuyou. "Farewell, Suou! farewell, you foolish fool! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"...Heh."

"Oh, that felt so good to laugh at the misfortune of another. You were right, Nagato! Being depicted in doujins as a cruel and sadistic being is fun! Let's go!"

"Can we skip there, Kimidori? I like skipping."

"Absolutely, Nagato. Tee hee~!"

Arm in arm, they both then douched away.

**Back to Kuyou... **

"Synchronizing, synchronizing, synchronizing... Failed?" Kuyou said to herself in shock. She'd been trying to establish a distress signal to her bosses for two minutes now, in hopes that they would perhaps send down another being to help her or remove the box themselves. So far, it seemed as though her reception to them wasn't getting through. Perhaps it had to do with the box being so close to a lot of electronic stores; radio-waves always did make her slightly spacey.

For all she knew, her superiors were probably slobbering all over each other and watching constant re-runs of I Love Lucy.

"Unable to make contact. Resorting to emergency procedures. Entering power-saving mode..." Kuyou droned, sitting down on the ground, cross-legged. Her eyes darkened, but still remained open. This was her final resort to any type of problems that would leave her unable to escape. It all pretty much boiled down to 'Take a nap and hope this shit will clear up after I wake up from my siesta'.

That plan was aborted when the box was tapped from the side.

"Hey, what do you think is in here?" said a young feminine voice.

"I don't know," said a slightly older voice, but still youthful voice. "But whatever is in this box smells really funny. Kinda like a wet dog."

Kuyou sat up and peered through the slit. "Beginning investigation of disturbance... Anomalies found."

Said anomalies turned out to be Imouto and Miyoko, the latter jabbing at the outside of the box with a stick. They met with the pair of coal-like eyes staring back at them and shrank back in fear.

"Oh, my god, it's one of Rob Zombie's Deviant Art pages come to life!" screamed Miyoko, almost dropping her stick.

Imouto caught her breath, and after a prolonged silence, sighed. "No, Miyokichi. It's just a creepy goth girl with not enough exposure to Mr. Sun."

_These two organisms in their larval stage may be able to assist in my endeavor to escape this enclosed space..._ Kuyou thought to herself, the gears in her brain-like organ spinning. _I must convince them to aid me by becoming more... personified. Switching to the personality-node that was scanned from Ryoko Asakura... Upload successful._

"What's your name?" Imouto asked curiously. Meanwhile, Miyoko had leaned forward and bit to continue her stick-poking agenda.

"Who me?" Kuyou said, now having a slight tone of gentleness to her once dull voice. She added a eerie giggle to the end of it. "My name is Kuyou Suou. It's very nice to meet both of you. I'd talk more, but due to some circumstances far beyond my control, I seem to have ended up trapped in this box. It's much too heavy to try and open from in here, so could you two nice girls help me out? I'd appreciate it very much!"

"Wow, you seem like a really nice person! I'm Miyoko and this is my friend, Imouto. I'll see if I can tear open the box along that little hole to help you..." Miyoko said, lowering the stick and now reaching towards the slit. Imouto suddenly held her friend back.

"Wait a minute, you said your name was KUYOU SUOU? I know you! I've seen you hanging around that Sasaki girl that sometimes talk to my big brother! I don't know what she does to him or what you and your other two friends say to him, but he always looks sad and tired afterwards! You're probably just as weird and mean as she is to him! You can just help your lazy butt out of there yourself!" Imouto said, narrowing her eyes at Kuyou hatefully.

_Kyon's younger sibling, hmmm? I'll make sure to make you suffer once I'm free of this prison. Maybe I'll start by plucking out your pretty, pretty eyes... So pretty... Wait, I am getting off track here. I have to try and reason with them somehow. Yes..._

"W-Wait! Hold up a moment!" Kuyou suddenly yelled before the duo could leave. "I give up! Please! I won't be so bad anymore. I promise! In fact, I'm sorry! For everything! _Er... Yeah…_"

Imouto turned right around, looking might astonished. "Really?"

From inside the box, Kuyou nodded and smiled. "To prove it, I'll give you 1,000 yen! What do you say? Can you forgive me?"

"Hey, free money! That's pretty cool! let's let her out!" Miyoko chirped, eyes glinting.

"Ehhh, we'll pass," Imouto said cautiously, ignoring the scornful look Miyoko was now giving her.

"What! You must be joking!" Kuyou said in shock, several tentacles of her hair bristling into sharp spines. "You don't need any yen? Then how about the lovely, rare, extra special video game I have? I'll give you that. It's one of a kind! It's yours for a limited time only! Will you take it?"

"Oooooh! I love video games! Is it for the DS? The PSP? Oh, I don't care I want it!" Miyoko ran forward to rip the cardboard apart with her bare hands, but her shorter friend held her back by her shirt.

"Like I said, we'll pass. Thanks!" Imouto hurriedly said. Suddenly, all those PBS shows with the lessons about people you don't know personally were starting to make sense.

"Errrr... _**really?**_" Kuyou shifted her eyes back and forth, trying to fight off the urge to stab the loli. " ...Well, I suppose I could apologize by letting you sniff my long locks of hair. People pay good money to do this. I'm being completely honest right now. _Really_. So? Care to take a whiff of the rich, yet delicate scent of my world-renowned hair?"

Miyoko was about to open her mouth when Imouto clamped her hand over it. "ARE YOU CRAZY? EWWWW, NO! THAT'S SO WEIRD! AND YOU WERE GONNA SAY YES TO THAT, MIYOKICHI? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! ...Also, I am reminded of a dragon and a plumber for some obscure reason."

Kuyou gave the two girls a look of utter disdain as her boiling-point reached critical mass. "Hrrrrrrrrm! You aren't a very trusting child, are you? It's important to be able to trust someone, you know..."

"Awwww, Imouto, you're such a pill!" Miyoko pouted. "You never wanna see the movies I do and you always nag me on stuff! You're worse than my mom! And you're being mean to this nice girl who's trying to give us all this good stuff and-"

Both girls turned around to see that Kuyou had her whole head jutting out of the box's hole and was now sporting glowing red eyes, a mouthful of fangs, and wisps of slithering hair that ended in pincers, crocodile-like jaws, and three clawed-hands.

"_**FREE ME FROM THIS CONFOUNDED TRAP OR ELSE I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SOULS FROM YOUR NOSES AND BLEND THEM INTO SMOOTHIES TO DRINK!**_"

"...EEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!" And with that, both girls ran off screaming.

"...Well, that was a terrible idea," Kuyou mused, removing the stick from her left eye that Miyoko had jammed into before fleeing. She slowly began to chew on it as she considered her options. "Maybe if I turned myself into a pile of currency or sugary confectionaries, help would arrive quicker." For a minute, she considered trying to squeeze out the rest of her body through the hole, but was afraid she'd trigger some kind of trap that would cleave her in two.

"HmmHmmHmmHmmmm~..." hummed an approaching voice. "What a lovely walk! Coming back to this place for a visit was a wonderful idea!"

Gulping down the stick, Kuyou peered through the space and saw what appeared to be a much older and taller version of Mikuru Asahina strolling down the street towards her. Sensing the temporal energy radiating off her business-suit-clad body, the interface realized this must be the adult version from the future.

_She may be able to aid me if I feign innocence,_ Kuyou thought. "Miss? Oh, miss? Can you hear me?"

Big Mikuru stopped her walking to look at the box she'd just noticed on the sidewalk. She walked around to the front of it and peered down at Kuyou's face. "Hello, sweetie. Just what do you think you're doing in that smelly box?" Big Mikuru asked, captivated by Kuyou's childlike look.

Glad that she didn't immediately recognize her, Kuyou began to speak in a sniffling sort of way and said, "W-Well, I was just m-minding m-m-my own business when s-s-someone d-dropped this b-b-box on me. Now I can't get out! I want my mommy!" She threw in a few crocodile tears to sweeten the deal.

It worked, for Mikuru's elder self gasped. "How horrible!" she shouted, grabbing furiously at the slit to rip it open. "I'll free you!"

Kuyou was just about to thank her when Big Mikuru tore the hole wide enough to get a good look at Kuyou's face. "What?"

"It... It can't be! You're Kuyou Suou! This can only mean one thing!"

"All right, I know I was trying to trick you into letting me out, but-"

"Not that! I almost broke one of the oldest seals!"

"...Say what?"

The busty red head shakily pointed at Kuyou dramatically. "_When the unstoppable mass of darkness is finally sealed away to stop its rampage, a being with a kind heart shall accidentally set it free..._ That is one of the many signs in time-traveler superstition that all of time shall be destroyed! I thought it was all a myth! But it is true! If I free you from this box, only death and agony shall ensue! DEATH! DEAAAATH!" Big Mikuru clasped both sides of her face and started hyperventilating. Many a passerby stared in morbid fascination before taking off.

"While I find it kind that your old wives' tales mention me, I'd really enjoy it if you were to just help me out of my predicament..." Kuyou smiled.

"THE THIRD SIGN OF EVIL IS HERE! EEEEEEEEEEVIL!"

"Can you let me out now?"

"WAIT, THERE'S STILL TIME!" And with that, a frantic Big Mikuru blinked out of plain sight, only to return in two seconds, holding a roll of tape and a bottle of glue in her hands. In a flash, she had successfully repaired the tear she had made in the box. "Phew~! There. The future of the world is safe for at least another day..."

"OH, COME NOW! LET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU GULLIBLE FOOL!" roared the angry alien.

Big Mikuru leaned against the side of the box and snickered. "As if I'd do that for you! You can just stay in there and mold away for all I care! NYAH NYAH NYAH NYA-" Her taunting was cut off when Kuyou's fist rammed the side of the box she was pressing up against, striking her right in the chest. "OWW! MAH GRAPEFRUITS!"

"More like overripe pumpkins!" Kuyou called after her.

Big Mikuru hobbled away, shooting a dark glance at her the caged interface. "I may be hurt, but good has triumphed for another day! Farewell, Suou, and may you rot in he-" The door to the shop in front of the redhead suddenly opened, the knob hitting her in the breast. "OUCH! YOU HIT ME IN MAH GRAPEFRUITS, YOU A-HOLE!"

"Terribly sorry, madam," the butler known as Arakawa apologized, walking past the bruised time-traveler with a plastic bag in hand. As she crept away in pain, the older gentlemen walked right up to Kuyou's box. Noticing the tape and glue, he leaned down.

"My, what do we have here?" he asked himself.

"A poor, weak, and defenseless child..." Kuyou mewled, sounding as pitiful as she could get. She was really milking the emotions she'd downloaded from Ryoko for all they were worth.

"Oh, my! However did you get in there, lass?" Arakawa said in surprise.

Kuyou made a sigh and leaned against the box's interior. "It all happened so fast... I don't know how long I've been in here... I'm so thirsty and hungry... I haven't had any processed animal-flesh in at_ least_ two hours... Please help me, sir..."

"I certainly will help you! But this box looks much too heavy for such an old man such as myself to lift off the ground. I really do it, but I have a bit of a bad hip at the moment. Just came from picking up some of my medicine from the pharmacy nearby. Tell me, do you have any friends of yours that I can contact for you?" Arakawa asked politely, ready to use his cell-phone in his pocket.

Since Kuyou had no idea that the man before her was in league with the Agency (and Arakawa had no idea Kuyou was pals with Fujiwara and Kyouko), she saw no harm in telling him of the group she was affiliated with. "Well, if it will help, I am companions with a group of fellows. We have a... club called the Anti-SOS Brigade."

Arakawa tilted his head in confusion. "Hmmmm? I'm sorry, but could you please repeat that again? My hearing sort comes and goes."

"The Anti-SOS Brigade," Kuyou repeated.

"How's that?" Arakawa said, cupping his left hand against the side of his head.

"The Anti-SOS Brigade. Can you please call for help from the Anti-SOS Brigade?"

"_Atlantis_, ya say?"

"_Anti_! The Anti-SOS Brigade!"

"The Anthem for Southwest British Airways?" Arakawa said in complete bewilderment.

Kuyou's barred all her teeth and roared, "_**The Anti-SOS Brigade!**_"

"The Angry Saucy Briggs?"

"_**THE ANTI-SOS BRIGAAAAAAAADE!**_"

"The Antithesis of Super Beavers?"

A vein on Kuyou's forehead throbbed painfully. Sticking her pinky finger out the cardboard container's slot, she beckoned Arakawa a bit closer to her. When he was close enough, she stuck out her whole head again so she could yell at him directly.

"ANTI!" Kuyou snapped.

"ANAL!" Arakawa shouted back.

"SOS!" Kuyou screamed.

"SOAPY!" Arakkawa screamed.

"BRIGADE!" Kuyou screamed.

"SOUUUUUUUUUP!" Arakawa finally said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Upon hearing a word that didn't even vaguely start with the same letter as the previous word, Kuyou let out a great scream and started rocketing around the inside of the box, not caring if she did anything to put herself in danger. She was too angry.

"Oh, aaaahhhh yourself!" Arakawa huffed at her. He turned to leave her, but came face to face with Mori. She was dressed in a casual business-suit and had a warm smile on her face.

"Well, there you are, Arakawa! I was waiting for you in the limo for quite a bit! You took a bit longer to get your medicine than usual. I knew I probably should have gone with you in case you needed any help! Come along now, the Tamaru brothers have been waiting, too," Mori said gladly, taking along the older esper by the arm.

"Oh, I am _not_ getting too old! I merely was having an interesting conversation with a young girl in a box!"

"Shhh, that's very, very nice. Let's get you back home so you don't excite your poor old heart anymore~..."

Kuyou sat on the floor of her prison again, hair a mess, and sporting a creepy grin as she stroked one of her hair tentacles like a pet snake. "...I will kill him. I will find out where he, his family, and his friends live, and I will kill them all. Pop out their eyes and eat them like grapes. Oh, yes, we will feast. tear out their throats. Drink their blood, we will. Snap their bones up and chew on their fingers... They will fill our belly and make us strong~..."

"Is someone in there?" asked a suave voice from outside.

"YES? WILL YOU HELP ME~!" Kuyou practically screamed out in pure joy. Her savior was none other than... Itsuki Koizumi!

"Kuyou Suou? Are you by any chance trapped within this box?" Itsuki asked, tapping a part the cardboard in observation.

Kuyou nodded like a madwoman. "Yes, yes, yes, I'm lonely, scared, dirty, cold, and hungry. PLEASE LET ME OUT! I BEG OF YOU!"

Itsuki rubbed his chin in contemplation, taking a second to glance up at the darkening sky. "While freeing you from your tortuous situation could prove fruitful in increasing the relations of our two opposing groups, it would also help you and your kind's chance at understanding human-beings more..."

Kuyou literally felt her spirits lift from the jaws of doom.

"...But if I didn't do anything at all, it would be much more interesting in the long run on how you eventually escape, mmm? Goodbye." And he left.

Kuyou blinked. She did it again a few more times and... stood there in her box. Her giant mop-top of hair bristled like a feral cat, but she paid no attention. She also may have giggled.

"...I will kill _him_. Erase. Destroy. Annihilate. I will infiltrate any computers he owns and infect them with my data. Disguise myself as a harmless program. A link to a site he frequents or maybe an e-mail message from a friend... Just one click... Just _one_ click and... _**CHOMP~!**_ MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Going from emotionless and socially-stunted alien, Kuyou threw back her head and released a wild, guttural laugh from her mouth. She'd finally cracked up. Whether it was the despair from not receiving any help or Ryoko's already nutty programming was unknown. Kuyou was laughing so hard that she didn't even notice that it was starting to lightly rain from outside.

"Ha ha ha.. Heh heh... Eh? What? Rain?" Kuyou stated in surprise, seeing the droplets of water falling from outside. The rain soon began to heavily pour down until the box around her started to give way. It went from standing upright and tall to slowly tilting to the side because of its sogginess. After another minute of rain, the refrigerator box gave out and split open. Both sides lay on either side of Kuyou like big blobs of brown sludge.

"...FREEDOM! HORRIBLE, SWEET, MIND-NUMBING FREEDOM! THANK YOU!" Kuyou cried out, praising the forces that be. "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THAT VILE PRISON! THANK YOU FOR HEARING MY PLEAS AND- ...A-hem. I thank you for your assistance. Time to return to base." With that, Kuyou prepared to warp back to Kyouko's home to inform her of her experience of the day.

That was her plan until something zoomed past her in the street.

"...Ooooh, ice-cream truck~!" Galloping off on all fours, Kuyou dashed off after the vehicle full of icy goodies.

**One Minute Later...**

Yuki and Emiri were calmly walking back to the spot, jumping over some puddles with their ice-cream cones in hand.

"Wow, Nagato! I still can't believe you ate all thirty-one flavors back there!" Emiri said, licking her cone of orange sherbet.

Yuki nibbled her plain vanilla cone and hopped over a puddle. "I was feeling peckish. I apologize for taking so long to place my order."

The two continued on their way to the previously set-up box, only to discover soggy mounds of brown cardboard in its spot. No sign of Kuyou at all.

"S-She's escaped! I KNEW we should have hurried back sooner! Confounded weather! She's probably not even in this section of the city anymore!" Emiri whined, already holding back tears.

"It would seem that way," Yuki replied, taking small lick from her treat.

A small silence washed over the scene.

Emiri continued to look sad for a moment, then faced with Yuki with a dreary look and pointed at her with her free hand. "If anyone asks, I'm just going to blame this entire failure on you, okay? Good." She then skipped off in the opposite direction, happily finishing off the rest of her ice-cream.

The taciturn alien gave her superior a glare and took a rough bite of her cone. "...I really hope you die in the next book."

She didn't though.

* * *

**A/N: Sasaki kind of **_**looks**_** like a Zelda... Nah. **

**Thanks for reading, guys. Hope you liked this, BKE. You did help me out with the first two stories after all. And even if you didn't ask for it, the third one was dedicated to you, Brendan Rizzo. And to Cha-Cha Cheesecake, the whole exchange between Kuyou and Arakawa was from that one episode of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends you once showed me. **

**Review, Haruhi-worshippers! Your goddess with the yellow ribbons and headband demands it! **

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**By the way, I was just making a joke back there. I highly doubt Kuyou can transform into inanimate objects to sneak up on unsuspecting prey. I mean, she can probably alter her physical appearance like a regular master of disguise, but actual items like a phone or a book? Or hacking the internet? That's just silly! Me and my sense of humor! Ha ha! **

**...What? You all don't believe me? Think something is wrong?**

**Maybe you're right. Maybe you should tell me what you guys really think. Give me your honest opinions. In fact, I think maybe you ought to forget this whole lengthy author's note altogether and click down on the ever-changing review button to give me a big, fat, juicy, supple, mouth-watering review...***

*****_**By reading this author's note, you hereby acknowledge and waive all personal rights to go on and review this chapter of fanfiction, which may or may not trigger a data-trap set up by a one Kuyou Suou, who may or may not be somehow sharing the fanfiction account of a one and unknowing superstarultra in an attempt to materialize directly behind you in order to molest and subsequently devour you. **_


	85. We Now Return You To Your Crack

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: First of all, I want to apologize to you all for my VERY long hiatus. I didn't mean to go for so long without updating any of my things, but college just ended up getting in the way of more things than I thought it would. A word of advice for you all: do NOT sign up for a Philosophy class when you have two other classes to do. I think I typed enough essays for this semester that could roughly equal to ten chapters worth of content here. **

**I would also like to say sorry to all the people I had talked to in the past and told that I would be updating soon. In reality, I would just get behind on my work and get swamped with assignments or forgot about writing the newest chapter. I shouldn't have been making promises that I couldn't keep. For that, I am sorry, sirs and madams. However, I hope to get back to my old updating schedule and make more frequent updates to this collection as well as to my other stories. No more wasting time or procrastinating for me. I'm glad that I still have the support of all you guys who have been with me from the beginning and the ones who have placed HaruhiRolled on their Alerts and Favorites in the meantime. I would also like to remind you all that I will be attempting to go back to my old format of short minor stories instead of HUGE chapters or arcs. If I do any arcs, then I will make them shorter. I have a bad habit of being too detailed in my stories and bogging them down with useless details... like this author's note. **

**I have a few more things to say about this story as well as my other ones, but they will be at the end of the chapter. For now, just sit back and just relax. **

**Credit goes to The4thEmperor for assisting me greatly in the creation of the last story in this chapter. **

* * *

**Mr. Smiles: **

"Just what is the big idea here, Koizumi?" Haruhi questioned as she was escorted down the hallway by a smiling Itsuki. It was just the start of lunch and the walking time-quake did not like having her time harassing the other students broken up.

"I'm glad you asked, Miss Suzumiya," replied the flatterer. "Now do you recall how you and Kyon had that terrible fight a few days ago?"

Haruhi winced at the hurtful memory, but still managed to scoff. "Yeah? So? What's that loser got to do with any of this?"

Unbeknownst to the entire student body, Haruhi and Kyon had engaged in a nasty fight two weeks. Oddly enough, no one besides the two of them knew what the fight had been about. Whatever it had been, Haruhi had banned Kyon from entering the clubroom and Kyon absolutely refused to talk to Haruhi anymore.

"I just think that the two of you should just take a moment to sit down and talk things through. You both can't go on fighting like this. The SOS Brigade won't last without all its members together," Itsuki reasoned.

"Bah. We're doing just fine without that lunkhead. In fact, I should have kicked Kyon out much sooner!" Haruhi ranted, crossing her arms. "I don't need him slowing me and my ideas down. I'd be the happiest person in the world if I never saw him again!"

"Oh, really now? That's unfortunate then."

"How's that?"

"Well..." Itsuki said with a chuckle as he slowly opened the Brigade's clubroom door and quickly ushered her inside. "_Look who stopped by!_"

Haruhi blinked in surprise then growled poisonously. "You...!"

"Yeah, it's me," Kyon sourly grunted, seated at the table. "I would have left, but Koizumi there locked me in this stupid room. Had I known you were coming, I'd have jumped out the window."

Dropping her angry expression, Haruhi whirled on Itsuki and swiped at him just as the esper was in the midst of locking the door. "What! Hey! KOIZUMI! You didn't say anything about Kyon being involved in whatever this was! Bad lackey! As your leader, I demand you fork over that key to me at once! ...And in hindsight, I should have known that letting you have privilege over the only key to this room would come back to bite me in the ass one day."

"Yes, Haruhi. Demand something with a murderous snarl in your voice. That'll encourage him. It always worked so well in the past with me," Kyon snarked with his constant snarkiness.

"...DO YOU EVER SHUT UP?" Haruhi shouted, switching her attention to Kyon. "That's what always pissed me off about you! You always talked back to me!"

"Now, now, let's all calm down here," Itsuki spoke up. "I have the only key on me out of this room, and I'm not letting anyone leave until you two can kiss and make up."

Haruhi and Kyon looked ready to throw up.

"...Or rather, I won't keep you locked in here forever until the two of you can forgive and forget about this entire mess. Now what will it be?"

Kyon shrugged and let out an annoyed grunt. "As long as it'll get me away from the two of you, then anything is fine."

"I'll stay, too. But only until I can figure out which part of your person you're hiding that key at," Haruhi replied. Already Itsuki knew he would have to hurry this up or risk getting molested like a busty time-traveler.

After some persuasion, Haruhi and Kyon were now seated at two desks that Itsuki had placed in the room earlier. Both watched as said esper took a seat at his own desk in front of them and smiled sweetly.

"Now I need to explain why I have brought you two here," Itsuki explained. "You two have been fighting for much too long. It's upsetting the dynamic of our once charming group! Miss Suzumiya, I am your second in command and hate to see you suffer like this because of some silly squabble with... _him_."

Itsuki simply gestured to Kyon with one of his hands and went back to mentally fumed in his mind. Meanwhile, Haruhi was just swelling with pride at Itsuki's honeyed words.

"It's a terrible sight and I will not allow it to destroy this fantastic club. You two don't even know what you are fighting about anymore. Correct?" Itsuki asked. Both Haruhi and Kyon shared a glance with each other and shook their heads briskly. "You see? You don't even know anymore. But neither of you will back out. So I have decided on a good way on how to get you two to respect one another once more."

"Koizumi, that would only work if I had an ounce of respect for Kyon at all. Which I don't," Haruhi said with a smirk.

"You keep mouthing off to me like that and I'll finish with you what I started in Sighs," Kyon growled, making a fist under his desk.

"Huh?"

"I didn't say anything."

"Now stop that!" Itsuki chastised. "If you keep fighting, you won't be able to work together in my little exercise. It's something that will really get you both to manage your tempers."

"What is it?" Kyon and Haruhi both asked simultaneously.

Itsuki smiled his biggest smile ever. "Manners!"

"...Eh?" Kyon uttered while Haruhi blinked. "Koizumi, have you been hitting the bottle after meetings?"

"No, Kyon, I'm into drugs, remember? Now where was I... Oh, yes. Manners! An etiquette lesson. By practicing a few simple exercises in manners, you will both come to treat each other as equals once again." Itsuki had a big grin on his face after speaking.

"I don't see how doing that will get me and Kyon to stop fighting. I'm already well versed in my manners anyway," Haruhi declared proudly, scratching under her left armpit and letting out a small burp soon after. "Plus, as I have stated previously, I never had any respect for that bum in the first place. A lost cause I'd say!"

"Koizumi, I would appreciate it if you could keep me from committing domestic-abuse against our sagacious leader," Kyon said with a forced smile.

**Lesson 1**

"Let's just start off with something small first." Itsuki got up and put on a brown derby hat he had stashed in Mikuru's costume-rack. "Now I'll pretend to be a guest at your house and answer the door. Just give me the politest greeting you can. Try and learn from one another during this!"

Both Kyon and Haruhi had no idea how this was going to help them out, but they went along with it anyways. Kyon got up first and stood next to Itsuki. The boy in the hat pretended to knock at a door. After he did that, Kyon grabbed at some thin air and pulled it towards himself.

"Hello, Kyon! it is good to see you this fine evening," said Itsuki.

Kyon sighed. "Good evening, Koizu- errr... Itsuki," Kyon began, shuddering as if saying the name of his 'friend' caused him physical pain. "And what can I do for you at this hour?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked, Kyon. I'd like to have a word with Miss Suzumiya, if you don't mind," Itsuki said, smiling

Kyon scratched his chin and turned around as if to go. "Wait right there. I'll go and see if the lady of the house is available."

_This is going great! Too easy!_ Itsuki thought. _All he needs to do is introduce me to Miss Suzumiya and-_

"Yeah, she can't talk to you right now. She's using the facilities," Kyon interrupted Itsuki's train of thought.

"...Pardon?" the esper asked.

"Yes, she's on this new diet of fish-sticks, milk, and asparagus, and to put it bluntly, her bottom most likely resembles our national flag at the moment," Kyon answered with a straight face.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Haruhi spat. SOMEHOW, she'd managed to catapult herself from her desk and land a flying kick to Kyon's side. The poor guy went down like a bag of rocks. And if that weren't enough, Haruhi aimed a few more kicks at his exposed side on the floor.

"OW! THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU SO MUCH, YOU KICK-HAPPY PSYCHO! OUCH!"

"YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON YOUSELF, WORM."

"Ah ha ha... maybe we should just move on," Itsuki muttered in fear.

**Lesson 2**

Itsuki sat at his desk with his hands together. "All right, Kyon, Miss Suzumiya. Since my last idea failed-"

"BECAUSE OF A CERTAIN CLUB LEADER'S INABILITY TO TAKE A JOKE!" Kyon yelled from his seat.

"...Since my last idea failed, we'll simply resort to a new method. Kyon, you are the waiter at an Olive Garden-"

"Oh, from peon to waiter in a week. Someone I'm not even surprised! How many people did you have to sleep with in order to get such a prestigious position~?" Haruhi jeered.

"...Ask your _mom_," Kyon said, smiling.

"Why you rotten-"

"Let's just keep this going along," Itsuki broke in. "Now, Kyon, just take Miss Suzumiya's order and be as polite and friendly as you can be. Remember to address her properly and be attentive to her wishes."

"I'll try," Kyon mumbled to himself. _As if I didn't do enough of that already._

The boy approached Haruhi as if he had a sheet of paper and pencil in hand. She was seated at her own desk with crossed arms and turned to look at Kyon with a scowl.

"Welcome to the Olive Garden. Are you ready to order, madam?"

"First of all, I'd rather be at an actual Italian restaurant. But since you asked, get me a large Sprite, a pizza with all the trimmings, some baked Alaska, a bottle of your finest wine, and some extra-large nachos, you lowly maggot," Haruhi barked, clapping her hands together. "Go and get them before I have your job yanked out from under you. Chop-chop!"

"Ahhh, you like your things large, do you?" Kyon replied, now frowning. "Well, how about an extra-large serving of FUC-"

"Time for another lesson!" Itsuki hurriedly cut in, grabbing Kyon and Haruhi by their collars.

**Lesson 3**

Several forks and knives lay next to each other on the clubroom table in front of Haruhi and Kyon. Itsuki stood on the opposite side, beaming harder than ever. Neither of them dared to ask where he'd been keeping them this entire time.

"Now which one of these is the salad fork?" the esper inquired. "And in case you're wondering, I have placed them out of order to make this a challenge."

"You know, it's not really much of a lesson if you ask us to do something about a subject we've never studied much before," Kyon pointed out.

"Just choose already before I go Asakura on you."

"...This one," both teens said after a minute, each pointing to a different utensil. They quickly turned to look at each other.

"Ha ha! You're completely wrong, Kyon! That's not a salad fork at all. That one is only used for fish!" Haruhi triumphantly declared.

Kyon crossed his arms and glared. "I don't know if I'm right or wrong yet according to Koizumi, but I know for sure that you picked the incorrect fork. That one is used for just eating steak."

"It's not! It's a salad fork!"

"No. It's only for steak."

"Salad!"

"Steak!"

"_Salad!_"

"_Steak!_"

There was a small moment of silence before Haruhi and Kyon each grabbed a butter knife and started to duel one another like characters from a Zorro movie. Haruhi went for Kyon's right eye, while he made a feint towards her nose. Itsuki just shrugged his shoulders and moved to separate them before an artery could be cut open.

_I still need to get them to stop yelling at each other... And is it really that hard to see that the salad fork is the one right next to the relish fork? Really! _

**Seconds Later...**

"Given the fact that my lessons more or less result in Miss Suzumiya inflicting injury onto you, Kyon, I figured that we might as well change the format of these lessons. I will now simply give you an abridged version of how to properly behave and what to expect when seated at the dinner-table," Itsuki explained as peacefully as he could. If the Celestials didn't kill him in the future, the amount of alcohol he was going to consume when he got home when this was all over would.

Haruhi and Kyon seemed to be fine with this (they still had no idea how being polite would solve their fighting), but their hearts sank in unison the moment Itsuki took out a roll-up sheet of paper and unfurled it. He might as well as been holding Santa's naughty or nice list before them.

"Oh, Koizumi, that'll take FOREVER to get through!" Haruhi complained loudly.

And then Itsuki began to read.

"Never rest your arms or elbows on the table. Eat your soup with a spoon, never slurp it directly from the bowl. Never throw food at the table. Excuse yourself _before_ making funny animal noises..."

Kyon raised a hand. "Errr..."

"Do not whine, rough-house, _or_ set fire to the table-cloth. Standing on top of the table is NOT permitted! Eat all the food off your plate _**and do it in alphabetical order! **_...Are we doing okay so far?" Itsuki asked in a sickly sweet voice.

Haruhi also raised a hand. "Koizumi, we-"

"Good. Let's keep going," Itsuki hurriedly said, flinging out some dinnerware on the table from his incredibly deep pockets. He started unfurling his list at a faster pace, too. "Now onto the finer nuances of dinnerware. The dinner-plate goes in the center, with the bread-plate in the upper-left and the cocktail-glasses in the upper-right. Forks are set to the left of the dinner-plate and the knives go on the right. The soup-spoon and other various spoons may also be set on the right if they are needed. The cocktail-weenie poker goes just above the dinner-plate..."

Out of curiosity, Haruhi inched a hand towards the cocktail-weenie poker. Before she could even touch it, Itsuki quickly lashed out and smacked her hand away. Haruhi let out a yelp and grabbed her appendage with a look of shock.

"WHAT THE _HELL_, KOZIUMI! You never strike your supreme leader!" she shouted back. Itsuki ignored her completely and rambled off some more trivia about table-manners until he was blue in the face. Once he was done, he faced Haruhi and Kyon, panting heavily.

"So... now... what have we learned... today?" he wheezed.

"To never eat dinner with you ever again," Kyon answered. Haruhi stopped rubbing her hand for a moment and actually grinned at his comment. Then she broke out laughing. Both Kyon and Haruhi temporarily forgot their feelings of hatred towards one another and started giggling together.

Itsuki's reaction was slightly different though.

"_**I SHALL END YOU BOTH, HERE AND NOW!**_" he screeched, vaulting himself over the table like a hungry wolf. Kyon, being the closest, was bowled over and knocked to the floor, where Itsuki began to throttle him.

"Koizumi, get a hold of yourself! It was just a cheap joke! I didn't mean it!" Kyon yelled back. Actually, that's what Kyon would've yelled if he was capable of talking. Even if he HAD understood him, Itsuki had no intention of letting go. He was too enraged to give a damn about what happened anymore.

Not wanting to have one of her best henchmen die on her, Haruhi got out of her seat and threw herself at Itsuki's back. "Unhand him, Koizumi! only I can do that to my Brigade members! Stop this at once or I'll deduct 100 points away from you!" Itsuki responded by howling like a beast and flinging himself off Kyon in an attempt to rid himself of his attacker.

"_**HANG YOUR DAMN POINTS, SUZUMIYA! I JUST WANT YOUR BLOOD!**_" the esper growled madly. He rolled a few times in order to remove Haruhi off his back (or squash her, no one could really tell), and once she lost her hold, picked her up by the waist and started shaking her like a ragdoll. The formerly nice boy's face had contorted into a nightmarish visage that would even spook a Junji Ito fan.

Kyon was still too weak from his trouncing to help out Haruhi, even though the headband-wearer was in more danger of throwing up than being hurt. But before Itsuki could do anything serious, the door to the clubroom suddenly opened. Someone stood in the doorway with a set of keys in one hand... it was Okabe!

"I notice that two of my students haven't returned to class after everyone has finished eating. Then this horrible noise fills the entire school, and when I come to investigate, I come across... THIS!" Okabe gestured at the strange scene before him. His eyes then focused on Itsuki and he blinked in amazement. "Itsuki Koizumi? What on Earth are you doing to Haruhi Suzumiya?"

Itsuki seemed to snap out of his rage the moment the teacher addressed him and put down Haruhi. "Ummm, well, sir, you see... I-"

"Sir, this maniac was trying to molest me. He would have succeeded had Kyon not stepped in and stopped his crazed agenda," Haruhi answered, wearing an incredibly serious face. Itsuki gawked at her in shock.

"Uhhh, yes! That is true. When I asked what he was doing, he turned on me and tried to bite me," Kyon quickly said.

"I can't believe this! And from such a model student I've heard about. You and I will be having a long talk with the authorities, Itsuki Koizumi," Okabe sternly said. He grabbed Itsuki by the arm and started to scold him while leading him out of the room. Itsuki sighed, but didn't really care; the Agency controlled much of the law enforcement in town. And it wouldn't take much for the Tamaru brothers to make up an excuse for his release.

But before he could be taken away, Itsuki had to know something. he turned to face Kyon and Haruhi, who were looking pretty chummy with one another now. "Miss Suzumiya and Kyon... In spite of my uncouth behavior towards both of you, I must know one thing. Just what were you two fighting about?"

Both brunettes looked at each other in thought. Then Haruhi slammed her right fist into an open palm.

"Hey! I REMEMBER NOW! The fight I had with Kyon is as clear as day now," Haruhi said, turning to face Kyon with an angry expression. "I was typing some information for our website and when I typed out the word 'gray', this jerk said I spelled it wrong! It's with an 'a'!"

"No way! Grey is spelled with an 'e'! Everyone in the world knows that!" Kyon argued back. "...hey, Koizumi, which letter do you think it is?"

Itsuki took a moment to pick up his dropped jaw from the floor, then turned to Okabe and raised his other arm to him. "I would like to request that I get the longest prison sentence possible, please."

* * *

**Close Encounters of the Dumb Kind: **

All was coming up roses for Sonou Mori as she strolled through the central park in Nishinomiya. There had been a month of no Closed Spaces, the higher-ups hadn't burdened her with anymore work, Tsuruya kicked to kick her and ended up falling off the building they were on, and she'd gotten that parking space she'd always wanted at headquarters.

"What a beautiful day," Mori mused to herself as she watched the clouds float overhead. "I feel like nothing could possibly ruin this good mood for me. "

"Why, hello there, Miss Mori~!"

Mori's blood instantly ran cold as a high-pitched, chirpy voice rang out behind her and she nearly dropped her hand-bag. _...No. No. Just no. NO. Please... No. Surely fate wouldn't be THAT cruel to me? _Taking a deep breath, she turned around slowly to see if her worst fear had come true.

A blue of dazzling blue eyes stared right into her own light brown ones.

"H-Hello, Ryoko Asakura," Mori said as nicely as she could. While she was smiling on the outside, she was going to pieces on the inside. She had been provided with a dossier on Ryoko several weeks back that covered many of the odd mannerisms the interface had. In fact, Mori had handed several copies of it to several rookie members and told them to make sure that they never encountered a situation where they could be left vulnerable to TFEIs. But despite all the exercises, written tests, and graduation with free cake, Mori had let herself get too careless.

Ryoko, still in her old school uniform, leisurely paced around Mori. Her hands were kept to her back and out of view and her face lacked her usual smile. She appeared to be thinking about something else as she stared at various parts of Mori's pantsuit-clad boy. Naturally, this made the esper all the more nervous. She didn't have a grudge or fear of aliens and knew that the ones like Yuki were good- but if the stories that Itsuki had told her from Kyon were true, then the ones like Ryoko and Kuyou were bad news.

_What is she doing? She greets me like an old friend then walks around like a lioness. Does she want information for her masters? Is she trying to decide what vitals to go after first? Have I already been trapped in some sort of space? Damn, I should have gone down that dark alley back there... _Mori was getting more anxious about what Ryoko was after, but she forced herself to remain cool and collected. She did have a gun inside her hand-bag, but knew that shooting Ryoko wouldn't do anything. It would probably be more effective to just hurl the gun right at her head and run away.

"Are you scared of something?" Ryoko suddenly asked, her chin perched right on Mori's left shoulder. She also had both of her hands clutching either side of Mori's waist. Mori nearly screamed, startled by how silent the alien had been to get that close without her noticing and partly revolted.

"Please remove yourself from... myself," Mori gently requested. Ryoko obliged and stood in front of her again, revealing that she wasn't holding her knife. "It's nice to see you, Miss Asakura. Pardon my behavior. You just startled me for a moment."

Ryoko looked like she was in the midst of remembering something, but shook it off to smile. "Oh. I apologize if I've offended you. You just seemed so uncomfortable after noticing me. Anyway, something very important happened to me a moment ago and I just HAD to tell someone about it! I was going to inform Yuki Nagato first, but then I saw you and, well, you know how things can get! I still remember you from the last time I saw you."

"Yes, I can relate," Mori agreed. She then furrowed her brow in confusion. "Wait a minute, I don't recall either of us ever being in the same room together. Or ever physically meeting."

"Oh, I've met you before. You just never saw me around. You have a very lovely home by the way." Ryoko grinned, showing off all her pearly-white teeth.

Mori fought back a shudder and said, "I see, I see. Well, what brings you all the way out here then, Asakura?"

"Ah, yes! I almost forgot again! Silly me..." Ryoko started twirling some of her hair around her left index finger as she looked up at the sky. "I had convinced Emiri Kimidori to let me do some reconnaissance of my own. I feel that I do best without any supervision. I was keeping out of sight and feeling very bored... then suddenly, it happened!" Ryoko spread her arms out and grinned straight at Mori. "I've been glorified forevermore!"

"Really? How?" Mori had not practiced years of disguising and acting for nothing. If she wanted to get to the bottom of what Ryoko was up to, she would have to play along with whatever insanity was thrown her way.

"You know that belfry?" Ryoko whispered, looking around suspiciously. "Well... I blew it up! It contained... _the_ _Devil_."

Mori's years of experience nearly crumbled right then and there. "SAY WHAT?" She quickly turned around, and with a thrill of barely-concealed horror, saw a plume of thick smoke rising up from somewhere in the city. Several alarms rang in the distance as well.

"Ergo," Ryoko continued, proud of her deed, "I blew up the Devil~!"

"REALLY? WHOA," Mori shouted. Her face and tone showed she was shocked, but more at the fact that she was talking to a total nutcase with a twisted religious experience.

"I know, right? The whole world will love me! There is no more Hell!" Ryoko started pumping her fists and dancing like she'd just scored the winning Super Bowl touchdown.

"Hooray...?" the esper weakly cheered.

"Imagine! Criminals in heaven! Absolute anarchy! God shall be cast down... And man and aliens shall rule the clouds!"

"Wait, you're going after God, too? Then what'll happen?"

"Then we shall be as unto tiny refreshing gods! And we'll ride high, and there will be no parade! There will be killing and shouting and _**REVELING IN JOY**_ as we free dead Cthulhu from his dream-house in R'lyeh~!" Ryoko started blushing and shaking so much that she looked like she would melt into a puddle of hormonal slime.

"Yes, indeed!" Mori said, fighting off the urge to run off. She was morbidly curious about what else the alien had to say.

Ryoko stopped goofing around and sidled up to Mori like a secret agent. "We must be careful not to wake Azathoth with our newfound power though- we want to keep the multiverse running," the blunette warned.

"I understand well on that part." Mori nodded along. "But what about God?"

"We shall overcome him with sheer numbers. God has got the Elder Gods fooled. But He shall fall, now that Satan is no more," Ryoko answered ominously. She made a fist and squeezed it tightly with a dark look.

"When do we get started?" Mori inquired, the urge to flee becoming stronger.

"Well..." Ryoko dropped her evil glare and started to stroke her chin like a cross between a philosopher and a Velociraptor. "We need lots of people to die to go to Heaven. We can, like, nuke all of Asia or Sweden or something."

Mori's next words came straight from her own heart. "...Wowie. That's pretty fucking insane, Asakura."

"A billion lost and twisted souls is mightier than one god, Mori! Two or three billion if we're lucky."

"Well, do you need me to do anything for you? What should I go and do?"

Ryoko's eyes glittered sinisterly and she said, "Topple the U.S. or Russian government. Then use all their nukes... _everywhere_. Then kill yourself, and aid me in conquering God. He will be a pretty hard raid-boss in the end if my calculations are correct. Oh, I'm getting chills just thinking about it all~!"

"Will you be our leader?" the very disturbed esper asked.

"Unless I somehow fall to God's wrath prematurely, then yes! I intend to lead humanity to post-matter existence! Even Haruhi Suzumiya and Kyon will thank me once they see what I've envisioned for the universe!"

Mori didn't know whether to laugh or weep bitterly at this point. "Okay! I'm ready to take out the old man! See you later, comrade!" She performed a mock salute that seemed to fool the blunette, since she eagerly returned the gesture. Immediately after that, Ryoko began to run away.

"I need to go and spread my message to those who will listen! Farewell, Mori!" Ryoko yelled over her shoulder. "Remember... Nukes and suicide! Power to mankind, sweet esper! It's time to be king!" The humanoid interface then skipped away girlishly, whipping her arms about. She soon vanished from sight.

Mori, who had been waving her off with a kindly smile, then frantically ripped her cell-phone out of her pocket and made a call. "Hello? HELLO! Arakawa? Oh, thank god, Arakawa... I'm at the park... No, something just happened... Listen, I'll explain later. Right now I need you to get Koizumi and tell him that we're breaking off contact with the TFEIs. _**ONE OF THEM IS FUCKING CRAZY!**_"

* * *

**Water, Water Everywhere...: **

Haruhi was pissed.

Very pissed off indeed.

The reason she was so pissed was because of the situation she and her band of morons had gotten themselves into. Using that pissed off energy of hers, Haruhi wanted to kick the ass of whoever had come up with the idea of making a raft and sailing for uncharted lands in the seven seas. Kick them in the ass many times before dragging them out into the street by the foot so that they could be shot at by a line-up of the best hand-picked firing-squad.

"Wait... Wasn't this all _my_ idea? After I read about all those sailing books? ...Oh, yeah. It was. ...Crap."

And it was during that sadistic thought that Haruhi remembered that making said raft _was_ _her_ idea in the first place.

The brunette shakily rose to her feet and peered around, the wind blowing through her dirty hair. "Sooooo... how's everyone feeling right now?" she asked, trying to keep a positive vibe in the air.

In response, Kyon rolled over from his side in the middle of the raft, glaring at her through the water in his eyes. "...Peachy." He turned over and went back to napping, not wanting to risk getting any closer to Haruhi and the edge of the raft.

Frowning, Haruhi observed the rest of her rag-tag crew of sorts. The raft was a reasonably large craft, shaped like a square and with a mast in the middle. A torn white cloth hung from it, along with a rope settled along the base. Also crowded along the base beside Kyon were the now awake forms of Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki. All five of them were covered in tattered clothing and were missing their shoes. Yuki and Mikuru had also conveniently lost access to their powers and factions, because that tends to happen a lot in stories like this.

"...In hindsight, I probably should have made Kyon pack more food and supplies," Haruhi monologued to herself as she stared up at the sun in the clear sky. Her shirt was missing a large portion of it that exposed her navel. Kyon, in all his bare-chested glory, shakily got up to yell something. Have I already mentioned that they're all half-naked?

"Maybe YOU shouldn't have eaten so much at the beginning of this stupid trip!" Kyon snapped, noses to nose with a displeased Haruhi.

"Hey, if ANYONE is to blame around here, it's you for assuming that all that simple snack food would be enough for our voyage! And I never ate more than my share fair of the food!"

"Pfft, it's not like any of us can remember how long we've been out here. Haruhi, I've seen you steal from Koizumi when he wasn't looking. I just haven't said anything up until now about it because I thought it was funny."

"That was YOU?" a confused Itsuki said. "You told me Miss Asahina was the one who was eating my food!"

"So that's why you've been glaring at me this whole time!" Mikuru whined. She then joined Itsuki in shooting dirty looks at Haruhi.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is this what happens when we're away from the comforts of civilization? You all start turning on me? Some Brigade you mooks turned out to be!" Haruhi gestured to Yuki, who had been sitting with her legs crossed the entire time. "You all need to take after Yuki. Look, she isn't spouting accusations or planning mutiny! She's the perfect model of what you guys need to be!"

"I think we should eat Miss Suzumiya once we start starving," Yuki suddenly said.

"See? The very definition of what a cool silent character should- WHAT? Yuki, did you just say what I think you said? I think I might have had something crazy in my ear..."

"I think that you should be the first to be eaten once we start to approach the threshold of death," Yuki responded nonchalantly. "It is the most logical direction to take in this situation."

"Why the fuck should I be eaten first?" Haruhi sputtered, not liking the way Kyon, Mikuru, and Itsuki were now looking at her. "Why can't we eat Mikuru first? She's got more fat on her than me!"

Mikuru snapped out of her daydream of coating Haruhi in ketchup and shouted, "Hey! I don't want to be eaten!"

"But in terms of practicality, a mascot character is useless to keep around in this situation!"

"WELL, AT LEAST I DIDN'T DRINK THE LAST OF THE WATER WE HAD!"

"Hey, those chips and pretzels were way too salty!" the young goddess argued.

Itsuki sighed, cupping the sides of his face in his hands. "If only we hadn't eaten our shoes and socks so fast..."

"I _still_ can't believe how good they tasted when cooked over an open flame," Kyon reminisced. By this time, Yuki had gotten up and was moving towards Haruhi with a menacing glint in her eyes.

"Yuki!" Haruhi shouted in alarm as she backed away. "If _you_ were me, would you want to be eaten?"

Yuki mulled this tidbit of info in her mind for a bit, then shrugged. "No, because if I were you, then I'd be you and not me and presumably I'd have the exact same personality that you do and not my own, and therefore wouldn't want to be eaten either."

"...Well, okay then. On another subject- HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"

Haruhi dodged Yuki's lunge and started running around the raft. The alien darted right after her, Mikuru soon joining in the chase. Kyon lazily watched the scene unfold; he would have made the suggestion that they eat Yuki first, since she could easily regenerate her flesh, but that would involve Haruhi learning of the supernatural. That, and he felt that treating the only person who had pulled his ass out of the fire more than once as an alternate food-source was wrong.

_Come to think of it, Nagato doesn't even really need to eat, _Kyon thought to himself while Haruhi screamed for help. _Perhaps this is her way of getting back at Haruhi for the endless summer? ...Eh, whatever. This is pretty amusing in its own right._

"I certainly hope we don't have to resort to cannibalization. I'm rather fond of this group," Itsuki said, interrupting Kyon's thoughts. Kyon blinked and gave him a withering look.

"Koizumi?"

"Yes?"

"This may be the ocean-induced insanity setting in, but your nose is starting to look a lot like a meatball-sub to me."

"...Oh, dear."

With that said, Kyon transformed into a ravenous, snarling beast and pounced right on Itsuki. The esper snarled in response and started to punch him in the head. It was at this point that a freaked out Haruhi tripped over a crack in the flooring and fell on top of them. Yuki and Mikuru soon joined them, and the five had soon launched into a frenzied ball of biting, clawing, poking, and tickling. Yuki started to chomp on Kyon's right arm for a few seconds and he was forced to uppercut the adorable bookworm right in the jaw. It actually seemed to make her crazier.

"Yuki, stop trying to eat my brother!"

"Wow, we must be really crazy, guys!" Haruhi exclaimed, holding Mikuru in a head-lock. "It's like I can almost hear Kyon's sister!"

"WILL YOU GUYS STOP TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER AND LOOK AROUND?"

"That sounds like Taniguchi's voice!" Mikuru observed, scratching at Haruhi's arm while kicking Itsuki. "I forgot how much I hated him."

"Kyon! Suzumiya! Look! ...Oh, fine, use _that_!"

After a voice that sounded like Kunikida's rang out, someone came through the air and smacked Kyon in the head. It proceeded to do the same to the others until they all stopped fighting. They all glanced at it and assumed it was some kind of stick, but it had a large green net at the end.

"A... pool-cleaner?" Mikuru spoke.

The SOS Brigade looked at their surroundings. Their raft was inside a 'huge' body of water that was surrounded by solid ground and a fence. Watching them from a short distance were several people that included Imouto, Taniguchi, Tsuruya, Sakanaka, Okabe, tons of kids from school, some police, and some guys in white coats.

"Where are we?" Kyon asked, unsure if he was dreaming. Haruhi, on the other hand, started screaming in joy about finding land.

"The public pool, nyoro," Tsuruya answered, pulling back the pool-cleaner she was holding. "You been in there for about two days, talking about being stranded. People left the pool 'cause they said you were all creeping them out. Some police tried to get ya out after you ate your shoes, but you called them sharks and kept punching them in the noses. You've been in there for only _two_ days, too!"

"I see..." Itsuki muttered, scooping up a handful of water. "I guess this explains why the sea was less salty then I remember it being." Kyon wanted to die right there.

"Kyon, please get out of the pool. Mom and dad are saying you're not right and want to send you to the nuthouse," Imouto babbled, tearing up in her eyes. Kyon ducked down with Yuki, Itsuki, and Mikuru and started hissing at them while Haruhi celebrated.

"DID WE EVER GET IN THE FUCKING OCEAN AT ANY POINT?"

"I... errr... My superiors don't really know," Mikuru squeaked.

"DID HARUHI'S POWERS MESS WITH OUR MINDS?"

"It's possible that she did cause us to act the way we did. Perhaps we did get stranded in the ocean at some point and the threat of being eaten alive caused her to wish us back here," Itsuki offered.

"DO YOU THINK THAT REALLY HAPPENED, NAGATO?"

"Theoretically, it's possible. Otherwise..." At this, Yuki's face darkened. "I think we're all just really dumb."

"...I see."

Right as Haruhi was nearing the end of her happy dance, the speeding form of Kyon tackled her into the water. It took the combined efforts of the pool's observers and the other three members of the SOS to pry Kyon off of Haruhi as he tried to drown her, and the aforementioned again with the aid of some nearby aliens and espers when Yuki went for Haruhi's throat.

To Haruhi, the event will always be known as the best sea voyage ever taken in history.

* * *

**In Which Evil Twins, Parallel Universes, and Facial Hair is Mentioned:**

It was a dark and stormy day, and the Anti-SOS Brigade liked it that way. The quartet of social-misfits were gathered in an empty classroom at Kouyouen High. The supernaturally-empowered trio of the group were each plotting to themselves about how to further their own goals while Sasaki was just trying to play a board game with them. Currently, each of them was failing the game of Life.

Hurrr.

"Please try and keep your minds in the game. I'm way ahead of you three and its barely been a few turns. In fact, Kuyou is still at the start," Sasaki spoke, gesturing at their game-pieces. She had yet to figure out how Kuyou had not even move in five turns at all. The alien, however, didn't really seemed concerned with lagging behind.

_Soon, Sasaki... Soon I will have manipulated you into participating in my own petty schemes! Wah ha ha ha!_Fujiwara thought to himself.

__Will_I obtain_what we all_seek?_What is it that_ they all_have?_ _Kuyou pondered. Technically, she didn't really pause in her own mind, but her own sense of thinking essentially translated to that.

_...I really fucking love potatoes,_Kyouko thought to herself, staring intently at her game-piece.

Shaking her head at the empty-headed expressions of her so-called friends, Sasaki reached over to start her next turn. Part of her was really hoping she'd get to spin that big colorful wheel on the board. Unfortunately, she never got the chance to.

Suddenly, purple lightning exploded in the sky as a crimson maw of pure energy ripped open in the middle of the room. The windows broke open and howling tempests flew in.

"Kuyou, did you leave some aluminum foil in a microwave again?" Kyouko said among the roar of electricity.

Out of the crimson maw emerged five figures, at first cloaked in shadow before one of them stepped into the light. Walking forth came a familiar snarky character, the only difference being his fabulous Snidley Whiplash mustache.

"So, this is the anti-dimension? How utterly pathetic," this mustached Kyon said. "I believe that our conquest shall be swift and easy."

The Anti-SOS Brigade, including Kuyou, all dropped their jaws. Standing before them in front of the swirling red vortex in midair appeared to be the SOS Brigade. But there were several differences in these new individuals than in the group the Anti-SOS Brigade was so accustomed to.

For starters, the boy in front of them LOOKED and SOUNDED like Kyon, but had an obvious mustache. He also had black hair instead of his usual brown hair, an evil smirk on his lips, and was in a rather dominant stance. His usual uniform's colors were reversed, too- green tie, orange blazer, black shirt, and white pants.

Next to him appeared to be Itsuki. Only this Itsuki bore a malicious grin and was rubbing his hands together in a sinister manner. He shared the same outfit as Kyon, but had silvery hair on his head. His blazer was messily unbuttoned and his pants were ripped in a few places, completing his grungy look. To top it all off, he had a pencil-thin mustache of silver hair under his nose.

Standing behind the two guys were three intimidating girls. The one at the front resembled Haruhi, but with long black hair. Her sailor uniform had a black and orange color-scheme, a green armband decorated her right arm, and a blue ribbon was in her hair. She was looking around the room with a scrutinizing glare... and for some bizarre reason, she had a villainous-looking goatee.

Examining her nails in a bored way next to the Haruhi clone, was a carbon copy of Mikuru. She wore a similar outfit, but had pastel blue hair that only reached her shoulders instead of her normal red locks. And unlike regular Mikuru, this one's chest was noticeably flatter.

A low grunt was suddenly heard. The Anti-SOS Brigade turned and saw what they thought was a really big drooling Barbie doll wearing a white cardigan. It was actually a long-haired version of Yuki, with luscious blond hair reaching towards her waist and a pair of glasses on her face. What also stuck out the most (to Fujiwara mainly) was the large pair of breasts that filled the top of her uniform. She looked, for the lack of a better word, ready to kill the next thing that looked at her funny.

What made the five of them even creepier was the fact that they all shared dull red eyes.

"Kyon, is that you? You look so... Who are you people?" Sasaki questioned. "Where did you come from and why are you burning my corneas to death?"

"Ha ha ha! Fool! I am not Kyon! I am... Evil Kyon! The glorious leader of the Evil SOS Brigade!" this mustached Kyon exclaimed.

"AND I AM EVIL ITSUKI!" the villainous copy of the fabulous esper said at a much louder volume than necessary.

"Shut up, Evil Itsuki," Evil Kyon said with a deadpan expression.

"OKEY-DOKEY~," Evil Itsuki said, putting on a derp face.

"Wonderful. Now this is Evil Yuki," Evil Kyon continued, sweeping a hand towards the long-haired psuedo-Yuki.

"GRAGH!" Evil Yuki roared, swinging her arms around limply.

"That's nice, Evil Yuki. This is Evil Mikuru," Evil Kyon said, not shocked by the battle-cry.

"I will take the male one as a slave," Evil Mikuru stated firmly. Fujiwara hid behind Sasaki, trembling.

"And that's everyone," Evil Kyon concluded, satisfied. A loud cough was heard.

"Ahem, aren't you forgetting someone?" the evil-looking Haruhi said. "You know, the most evil twisted, horrid member of the group? The one who gave you the idea to create this Brigade in the first place because you wanted to meet ordinary human-beings?"

"Oh, yes... This is Evil Haruhi, my friends. She's a cunt," Evil Kyon explained.

"I sure am~!" Evil Haruhi chirped, wearing a malevolent grin. She shifted her stance to show off her green armband, the words 'Ultra Bitch' written on it... with dried blood.

"Evil Kyon? Evil Haruhi? I don't really understand..." Sasaki admitted.

"I'm more confused by the disturbing amount of facial hair on her," Kyouko whispered to Fujiwara, gesturing to the Haruhi lookalike, who was currently stroking her goatee. Fujiwara took one look at the sprig of hair and couldn't take his eyes off it.

Kuyou pointed at the five before her. "_Not the_SOS Brigade._Different,_" the long-haired entity murmured ominously.

"Brilliant deduction there, mop-top," the blue-haired version of Mikuru returned. "How long did it take you to wrap your brain around- oh, wait, your kind hasn't grown them in yet. My bad!" Kuyou's hands both twitched. The one who had identified himself as Evil Kyon stepped up.

"Your colleague there is correct. For we are not the SOS Brigade you are most familiar with. Now if my reasoning is correct, the four of you must be Sasaki, Fujiwara, Kyouko Tachibana, and Kuyou Suou. Correct?" As soon as the quartet nodded, Kyon's doppelganger went on. "I suspected as much. This means that we have crossed the boundary between worlds after all. For you see... the five of us come from a parallel version of your universe."

"Seriously? Hmmmmm... That explains the floating rift behind you," Fujiwara said, scratching his chin.

"Yes. We come from a universe that is the exact opposite of yours. Everything is reversed there. Rubber roads, concrete tires, cats bark, and dogs meow, the usual... In fact, judging by our surroundings, this room that we are in is part of an all-boys school that is nothing more than a pile of rubble back in our world."

"Fascinating!" Fujiwara marveled in awe. "Then I guess by your obvious names, you five are an evil version of our SOS Brigade in this universe! ...Wow, this sounds like the plot of a Saturday morning cartoon."

"Heh. Looks like this Fujiwara isn't as dumb as the other one!" Evil Haruhi laughed, pinching the side of Fujiwara's face like an annoying aunt would.

"Hey, cut that ou- Wait! What do you mean the other one? Does this mean that an alternate version of our group exists in your universe?"

"UH-HUH. THE GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU IS A DUMB CHICKEN! AND THE OTHER THREE ARE COMPLETE WEENIES!" Evil Itsuki screamed, drawing a glare from Evil Kyon.

"RRRRGH!" Evil Yuki growled, breaking a desk in two with her fist. While Sasaki was scared out of her wits, Kyouko was more interested in what the strangers had to say.

"Really? What's it like back in your world?" she inquired.

"_How did you_get here?_" Kuyou followed up.

"We used a magical reality-warping machine made by Evil Yuki that runs on monkey brains. Or something like that, don't mind the details," Evil Kyon said. "In our world, smog fills the sky, Celestials regularly stomp on unfortunate citizens, hippy data entities are hunted down and murdered by evil espers, time-travelers can go back to the past, but not the future, and a gay, smooth-talking Taniguchi is the emperor of Japan. In short, it is the most wonderful place ever to exist."

"AND WE ARE DEDICATED TO THE CONQUEST OF EVERYTHING," Evil Itsuki yelled to no one in particular.

"But our goal at the moment is to destroy the Good SOS Brigade," Evil Haruhi stated a-matter-of-factly.

"What a coincidence!" Kyouko shouted with glee. "We hate the SOS Brigade, too! That's why we created the Anti-SOS Brigade in the first place!"

At that, the Evil SOS Brigade stopped glaring and broke out into actual expressions of pure happiness. And, yes, it was terrifying.

"Really? Wonderful! What good luck for us to encounter the negative counterparts of our enemies right away on our arrival!" cheered Evil Kyon, shaking both of Kyouko's hands. "Let me guess... Your version of Haruhi Suzumiya is good, unaware of her powers, and leads the good version of the SOS Brigade, right?"

"Yes! My friend Sasaki here was in possession of the power first until Suzumiya somehow stole them! And our nice guy version of Kyon won't give back to her!" Kyouko complained. Sasaki was just about to speak up and say that she didn't want the powers at all, but a snarl from Evil Yuki shut her right up.

Evil Kyon bared his teeth. "Is that so? Well, isn't that just great!"

"YA SEE, IN OUR WORLD, EVIL KYON HERE HAD THE POWAH FIRST! HE WAS THE GOD OF OUR WORLD... OR SATAN IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT THAT WAY! HYUK HYUK HYUK HYUK!" Evil Itsuki howled with laughter and slapped his knees. The blue-haired version of Mikuru elbowed him in the gut, causing him to collapse.

"I'm sure your Itsuki Koizumi is much more... eloquent than ours. But he's right. In our world, Evil Kyon ruled the universe with an iron fist of sexiness. Then out of nowhere, that goody-goody Good Sasaki came along and somehow snatched the power away from him when his guard was down after our weekly orgy. And Evil Haruhi here is the one who is needed for the transfer of power," Evil Mikuru said, narrowing her eye into slits. The wicked version of Yuki let out a series of rasps and grumbles.

"Aha, yes! But then one day, Evil Yuki learned of this world!" Evil Haruhi boomed, pointing to her friend. "We discussed it and formulated a plan: by breaking into this world taking the power from the Good SOS Brigade, we can surprise our Good Anti-SOS Brigade and have twice the power after destroying them!"

"An interesting idea you have there... But I have a much better one," Fujiwara calmly said.

"And what would that be, smart guy?" Evil Mikuru growled, getting right up in his face.

"Well, why not work with us?"

"A TEAM-UP? WHY?" said a bewildered Evil Itsuki.

Evil Kyon chuckled. The he laughed. Then he went into a full-on hyena laugh.

"You... You're joking right? You losers? Even think of working with _us_? Don't be ridiculous! We'll just destroy you and turn your skulls into coffee mugs. Yes, it would be much more intelligent, sensible, and reasonable to side with you idiots, but we don't care. We're evil. Besides, I already know you're just trying to get the powers for your Sasaki so you can be a bunch of do-gooders for your own causes. Rule One of Villainy: Never trust other villains. That's why we killed Evil Tsuruya."

"But didn't that lead to the creation of Anti-Evil Tsuruya?" questioned Evil Haruhi, raising a brow.

"Please, my dear, let's try to avoid that subject," Evil Kyon sighed.

Fujiwara's eyes widened. "Whoa! These fellows don't appear to be kidding ar- Wait, what?"

"I know that it's none of our business, but who or what is Anti-Evil Tsuruya?" asked a very curious Sasaki.

"Yeah, I gotta know, too! It sounds like it's full of blood, gore, sex, and other such x-rated things!" Kyouko excitedly said.

Sasaki approached Evil Kyon and Haruhi. "It would probably be for the best if you just told her. if not, she'll get bored and want to watch all the Disney Buddies movies in a row. And believe you and me, no one truly deserves that." The Evil SOS Brigade looked at each other and shuddered.

Evil Itsuki suddenly put on his serious face and said in a mysterious tone, "Long ago, in a distant universe, there was a cosmic egg that hatched into a shiny Magikarp. This Magikarp then vomited onto a giant boulder, which created a dormant being which was sealed away within Evil Tsuruya at some point. When we killed Evil Tsuruya, Anti-Evil Tsuruya crawled out of her mouth and caused mountains to explode with an epic guitar solo and then roundhouse kicked the incredibly popular Evil Kunikida in the face. That is Anti-Evil Tsuruya."

"...Wooooooooow," Kyouko said, her mind completely blown. The others weren't as stunned.

"...Huh?" said Sasaki.

"_?_," said Kuyou.

"What?" said Fujiwara.

"I can tell that our tale has left you speechless!" Evil Kyon declared dramatically. "In fact, coming to your universe was also partly due to our need to escape that crazy bitch!"

"Just _how_bad is this Anti-Evil Tsuruya of yours?" Fujiwara questioned, already trying to plot against these new competitors for Haruhi's powers.

"Oh, she's just the worst!" whined Evil Mikuru. "Her laugh is like a bunch of banshees slapping the cages of parakeets on a tin roof! She was _always_complaining about being born into a poor family and about being lactose-intolerant, but now she just focuses on making everyone around her miserable. She also continuously wages war against her old self's giant-sized twin."

"SHE DOES BOTH GOOD AND EVIL THINGS! IT'S REALLY ANNOYING!" Evil Itsuki chimed in, looking around in fear.

"Yeah, she pisses us off a lot. She's probably even worse than the good versions of you! You can always identify her a mile away by her short red hair and her two little fangs. It's like her head is on fire," Evil Haruhi grumbled.

"GUUUUUUH!" Evil Yuki let out a guttural roar.

"Yes, Evil Yuki... Anyways, we will now be exterminating you, as we have now explained everything we know about ourselves. We don't really need you blabbing to anyone about our presence," Evil Kyon said, drawing out a blade of pure, glowing, red energy. "If that doesn't make any sense, don't worry. It shouldn't."

Evil Haruhi and Evil Mikuru each took out some colorful laser-guns, Evil Itsuki drew out a double-sided chainsaw, and Evil Yuki took a comical-looking clown hammer out of her cleavage.

"Well, shit. I guess Kyon will always screw me over in any shape or form," an annoyed Fujiwara said. He promptly wet himself.

"I guess we can't be friends then. Too bad... KUYOU! SIC 'EM, GIRL!" Kyouko commanded, pointing right at the Evil SOS Brigade. "Go for their weak-points!"

Sasaki could only watch as Kuyou zipped forward with her hair rippling behind her. Then common-sense took over and told her to duck for cover. After leaping behind an overturned desk, Sasaki saw Kuyou shoot out three tentacles of hair, each tipped off with a three-clawed hand. The hands rushed at the shocked faces of Evil Kyon, Evil Haruhi, and Evil Itsuki and proceeded to cleanly rip off their mustaches and goatee. Evil Yuki and Evil Mikuru gasped at this.

"YEOWCH!" yelped the three. "_Do you know how long it took us to grow those?_"

"...Kuyou, why didn't you go for their eyes!" Kyouko shouted in disbelief.

"_You said to_go and attack their_weaknesses._So I did,_" Kuyou replied, holding up the removed hair. Then the little alien sat down and started to make bracelets out of them with childish glee.

"Oh. Guess we're screwed."

"Get those bastards!" Evil Haruhi hissed in pain. Evil Yuki rushed ahead, swinging her toy hammer around like a madwoman while screaming.

"THAT'S FAR ENOUGH, BLONDIE!" a new voice exclaimed. Everyone in the room froze and looked towards the rift in the room.

"Great. Now what?" Sasaki muttered, peering over to look at the newcomer.

Bursting out of the rift in the interdimensional super-highway came a red-haired girl with a pair of tiny fangs and a tattered sailor fuku. Alongside her was what looked like a triangular block of cheese, if cheese were to usually have buck teeth, googly-eyes, and legs.

"I've decided that my faithful sidekick and I are going to turn your bones into pottery, ronyo!" the newcomer said cheerfully, as Evil Itsuki let out a shriek.

"It's Anti-Evil Tsuruya!" Evil Haruhi screeched in terror.

"If that's her, then who the heck is _THAT_?" Kyouko pointed at the walking piece of cheese.

"I AM THE CHEESE! I AM THE BEST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW!" exclaimed the Cheese, running around in random directions. "I AM BETTER THAN BOTH YUKI NAGATO AND CHURUYA COMBINED!"

"My brain_ really _hurts..." Sasaki groaned.

"Enough of this bullshit! Quick! Everybody empty as much firepower into her as you can!" shouted Evil Mikuru. She and Evil Haruhi quickly shot off several yellow and green blasts at the red-haired Tsuruya, only for her to expertly dodge them all. As the duo reloaded, Evil Itsuki threw away his fear and rushed at the redhead with his chainsaw. Evil Kyon followed him, waving his energy-sword. The Anti-SOS could only watch with stupefied expressions.

Anti-Evil Tsuruya just smirked and adopted a martial arts pose. "Want a piece of this, ronyo? THEN TASTE THE POWER OF EARTH!" She thrust her palms out, sending forth a large swirling wave of dust and small rocks. The four evil twins were all knocked off their feet, sans Evil Yuki, who attempted to body-slam Anti-Evil Tsuruya. The double-fanged girl grinned before delivering an uppercut into the blond alien's chest.

"AAAAAAGGGGGGHHH, MY BOOBS!" Evil Yuki wailed, falling flat on the floor. Before she could tend to the pain in her huge rack, Anti-Evil Tsuruya grabbed her by the hair and swung her into the rest of her friends like a flail. Evil Kyon refused to give up and formed his sword into a some kind of hi-tech gun from where he laid.

"End of the line, red!" he cackled.

"BETTER THAN HARUHI _AND_KYON COMBINED!" the Cheese yelled as it did a flip in the air and landed on Evil Kyon, which caused him to drop his weapon from the pain.

"Silly mortal, ronyo! The Cheese weighs as much as an African elephant!" Anti-Evil Tsuruya chuckled.

Soon enough, Anti-Evil Tsuruya had the entire Evil SOS Brigade tied up with a rope which she had pulled out of the hyperspace in her mouth.

"So, umm, thanks, errr, Miss Deus ex Machina," Sasaki said, still confused as hell. "So what exactly are you going to do with them?"

"Devour their flesh and feed their bones to the Cheese," Anti-Evil Tsuruya said, giving a thumbs-up sign. As the Anti-SOS Brigade slowly backed away from the red-headed psychopath, she and her friend jumped into the portal back to their own backwards world, the Evil SOS Brigade yelling death threats and promises of revenge as they disappeared, too.

"So... want to continue playing Life?" Fujiwara suggested.

"Sure," answered Sasaki, pinching her brow. "I need something to get rid of this possible migraine I'm feeling."

"Well, at least there weren't any long-lasting repercussions for us after this event!" Fujiwara said with a laugh. At that, Anti-Evil Tsuruya stuck her head out of the rift.

"Oh, yeah. Almost forgot to do this."

Quick as a flash, she withdrew Evil Kyon's laser-blaster and fired a round right at Fujiwara's head. As his smoking body fell to the ground, Anti-Evil Tsuruya went back into the void and vanished entirely. The three female members of the Anti-SOS Brigade stared down at the body of their comrade in silent shock.

"_Dibs,_" Kuyou finally said, taking Fujiwara's wallet. Kyouko fainted right after that. Before Sasaki could scream, a _second_ Fujiwara casually waltzed into the demolished classroom and made a 'tsk' noise at his corpse.

"_B-B-But y-you just g-got... How did you...?_"a dazed Sasaki stuttered. Fujiwara ignored her and prodded at the body before him with his foot and shrugged.

"Hmmm. Good thing I'm a time-traveler or else I would REALLY be in some trouble right now," he stated, reaching down and swiping Kyouko's wallet for himself.

Sasaki promptly joined the esper on the floor.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks again for working on me with that story, 4thEmperor. And, yes, time-travel in this series confuses me a LOT sometimes. **

**Okay, here's what I wanted to say. I didn't expect ff net to change so much in my absence. The new changes are pretty gaudy to me, but if it will allow me to put up a cover for this fanfic, then so be it. I guess I can learn to deal with it. Also, I had the idea for chapter 86 written up already, but a virus I got a while back accidentally caused me to erase it, so I'm going to have to go with something different than what I originally had intended for it. **

**Speaking of changes, I trust that a majority of you have heard about this 'Purge' of fanfics that has been going around in the more cluttered fandoms on here. Honestly, I got pretty damn scared until a good friend calmed me down and said that the groups involved were just focusing on stuff like listfics and askfics right now, but I'm still paranoid. I actually went back and removed a few songs that I used some of in my earlier chapters as jokes so I wouldn't be breaking any rules. So here's what you guys need to be prepared for in the future:**

**1. I might change this fic from a T rating to an M in case anyone says anything. But given the fact that a LOT of the people who laugh at my sense of humor haven't really complained yet, I might keep doing what I'm doing. I just won't say anything really to dirty in the future.**

**2. If the worst comes true, then I might move my updates for all my stories to my DeviantArt account. I'll provide you all with a link at the top of my profile, but I really hope that it doesn't come to that either.**

**I have also taken up the liberty of saving all of the reviews that you guys have given me in a Word file. I would just hate it if I woke up one day to see that HR was gone and that every single nice thing you guys and girls ever said to me was wiped out of existence. That would seriously kill me. Also, I will be going back to older chapters to fix my previous spelling-errors that I have neglected, as well as changing my review taglines to the one below (I seriously had no idea what the heck Haruhi kept in her hair for the longest time until I looked at some cosplay closely, ha ha). **

**I hope that this story and all of you will be here for many more years to come. **

**Review, Haruhi-worshippers! Your goddess with the yellow headband and ribbons demands it! **


	86. A Tanabata to Remember

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go. **

**A/N: For this chapter, I have to make an important announcement. From this point on, I will have a new character included in my sketches. This character is included in the second short here and has appeared in the tenth and eleventh light novels. I will try to avoid giving away too many spoilers for those who haven't read the books already, but this character will have their backstory and importance fully elaborated on in later chapters, so be prepared. I read both translated Haruhi novels online at the site called WordPress, so you should be able to do the same if you go and Google them together. If you don't really feel like reading them and don't care about the experience, you can simply use the Haruhi Wiki to read the summaries for both books. I recommend that as a last resort in case you guys simply don't have the time to read them or stuff.**

**I will also be introducing another new character soon, but this one is from one of the Haruhi video games and is technically non-canon. More on that character later when I start using the person. **

**Now onto the stories. The first is a gift for my pal, TheBananaSlug, which contains some good batty fun. The second is for Sasaki in a Top Hat, who is incredibly nice and has the best username ever. The third was inspired by and is dedicated to my long-time friend and muse, ObsidianWarrior, and the last story was created because I realized that I haven't written nearly enough things just featuring Yuki and Ryoko by themselves. I also thank The4thEmperor for helping me out with the gags for it.**

**And before I forget... Happy Tanabata!**

* * *

**Why So Serious, Kyon?:**

On a warm July night, Haruhi and Kyon sat in the seats of the local baseball stadium. Due to the heat, only a handful of people had actually shown up, so Haruhi and Kyon had been able to sit as close to the action as they wanted to. Why were they there? Because Haruhi had wanted to celebrate today's Tanabata by watching the brand-new teams square off that night. They were a foreign team that may or may not have come there due to Haruhi's influence, but the fact that they were both American may have helped out. Because Haruhi has a huge fetish for all things American.

"Ahhhhhh, this is going to be a great game!" Haruhi cheered, waving her own aluminum bat around. She was dressed in a baseball Jersey and a yellow cap, while Kyon himself was just wearing some casual jeans a T-shirt he'd slapped on before leaving his house. Itsuki and the others had practically begged him to go on this 'date' with Haruhi, despite him repeatedly telling him it wasn't a date. It didn't help that Tsuruya had been more than happy enough to pay for the so-called date, much to Kyon's chagrin. His glum expression clashed with Haruhi's energetic mood.

_As long as she doesn't expect me to do anything big for her and just enjoys the game, I'll be fine,_ he thought to himself. "Who are the teams playing anyway?" Kyon asked, attempting to make some conversation about the game.

Haruhi stopped applauding and gave Kyon a stern gaze. "You come to this game with me and don't even know who's playing? How could you be so dense, Kyon! But for your information, tonight is a very special game. A showdown between the Oakland Athletics and the Philadelphia Phillies~! Doesn't that sound great?"

"...I've never heard of either of them."

"That's because you don't enjoy the fine art of baseball like I do!"

"...The _art_ of a _sport_?"

"Shut up and get me a hot dog."

Groaning, Kyon got up and began to look for any nearby food-vendors. If he knew how Haruhi's mind worked, one would magically have them. Sure enough, he found a guy peddling them a few feet away. After getting one for himself, Kyon made his way back to the grumpy girl. It was as he was walking that he noticed a lone figure suddenly walking on the field.

"Game starting already," Kyon asked, handing Haruhi her food.

"Maybe. It's not even eight yet. And what's with that uniform?" Haruhi pointed out. The person on the field was male in figure and wearing your typical baseball uniform, but with green and purple highlights. He was also keeping his head down as he approached a microphone in the center of the field. Picking it up, the man cleared his throat and began to speak into it.

"Hello, ladies and germs! Before we can enjoy the sight of men waving their large sticks and smacking their balls around, I thought I'd take the time to provide a little entertainment for you all," the man chuckled. He then picked up the microphone and began to sing.

"Who is this kook?" Kyon complained to himself.

"I don't know, but he seems pretty smooth~..." Haruhi stared at the man with total lust, totally hypnotized by him. It must be the pants...

The people occupying the stadium quieted themselves as the man before them began to sing.

"_Oh, say, can you see... by the dawn's early light? What so proudly we hailed... at the Joker's last boner!_" the man proudly sang, ripping off his cap to reveal his green-tinted hair, pale skin, and rowdy grin. The onlookers gasped in fear and confusion as several armed men suddenly began to rush towards their seats from all the entrances. Some of them had guns and a few just carried steel-pips and crow-bars. A woman sitting to the far left of Kyon and Haruhi had her purse snatched away.

In case any of you are wondering, I'm not even going to go into detail on how the Joker is able to translate his already insane song into perfect Japanese. It doesn't make much sense. Then again, neither does he or the Haruhi universe.

"_Dead hookers in my trunk... is a glorious sight~... I just parked in a spot, reserved for handicaps..._" the Joker crooned into the mike. "_And the dog's red rocket, some boobs pressed on my face... Gave proof through the night, that we blew up Japan~..._"

"Christ, what an asshole," Kyon remarked, still horrified by the transpiring events. That particular line seemed to break Haruhi out of her stupor, as her look of love was replaced by hate.

"Hey, that's just low, man!" she roared.

"_Oh, say does my RPG, you're all gonna diiiiiieeee!_" the Joker sang, suddenly pulling out said weapon from the back of his pants. "_O'er the land of the faaaaaat! And the home of rich piiiiiigs!_ ...Play ball!" The maniacal clown aimed his weapon at a section of the already fleeing crowd and fired.

_**KA-BLAMMO! **_

Though no one was hit, the resulting explosion sent several people flying, as well as a few thugs. Absolute chaos began to cascade upon the stadium. Kyon looked around and saw what appeared to be a few security-guards on the field, some knocked out and the others tied up with looked like huge Slinkies.

"Oh, my god!" Haruhi ironically said, pointing. "I know that guy's face from anywhere! He's the most insane madman from that one city in America! It's... the Jokester!"

"Really?" Kyon piped up in disbelief. "Didn't they call him the Jester?"

"Nope, I'm 100 percent sure that it's the Jokester!"

Oh, how the Batman fans groaned in annoyance. Joker must have sensed this, too, because he looked right in the direction of the two teens.

"Hey! Can't a deranged psychopath commit a crime without someone getting his name wrong?" he snapped at them.

" Not in my city! I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, and I'm going to place you and your thugs under citizen's arrest! Your tricks don't scare me, Bleach-face!" Haruhi started swinging her bat around crazily. Kyon stared at his friend in silence, knowing she'd doomed them both. If they somehow survived the night, he was going to strangle her in the future.

"Oho? Is that right? I'll TRICK you..." The clown prince of crime pulled out another rocket, from one of his socks no less, and loaded it into his RPG. "Bombs away, kiddies!"

"Bring iiiit!" Haruhi called back. Kyon pulled her back and started to carry her off in his arms. "Hey! Kyon, what are you doing?"

"SURVIVING!" he screamed back. The spot where they were standing at before went up in flames. Bemoaning his bad aim, Joker started to reload again. Kyon kept on running with Haruhi until a pair of machine-gun-wielding thugs leaped out in front of him, one in a ski-mask and the other in a fedora.

"WE'RE DOOMED!" Kyon yelped, about to empty his bladder. Even Haruhi was scared out of her mind now.

But just as the gangsters could make their move, a metallic object flew through the air and smacked the fedora-wearing man in the chin. He fell right on his back and smacked his head on the steps. The other thug looked around in fright, before a large shadow descended from above. The ruffian got a powerful kick delivered to his face and went down cold. The shadow straightened itself around, revealing itself to be...

"Holy plot-twists, Kyon!" yelled Haruhi. "It's the Batman!"

"The _Goddamn_ Batman, miss," Batman corrected, his very presence giving off waves of bad-ass. The other thugs screamed when they saw him, some of them dropping even their weapons.

"Well, well, well! If it isn't the Bat-boob himself! Followed me all the way out here, did you?" Joker sneered.

"Joker, why terrorize these people? This isn't anything like your usual style," Batman growled, stepping in front of Kyon and Haruhi.

The villainous clown just shrugged. "Eh. I like to spice up my routine ever now and then. Otherwise, our little dalliances would have no surprises! Speaking of surprises... EAT THIS!" He raised his gun, aimed it right at the trio on the steps before him and fired... causing a large patch of the field behind him to explode. "...Oh, silly me~! I had the stupid thing backwards! Get 'em, boys!"

Joker's men stopped terrorizing the scattered people and all converged on Batman. Kyon and Haruhi dove for cover as one man took out a revolver. Batman tossed down a smoke-bomb and disappeared in large cloud of white smoke.

"Hey, he's gone!"

"Well, find him and shoot him!"

"Sure, sure, I'll- AUGH!"

One guy went down. Kyon took a quick peek and saw guys going on left and right. One man was yanked into the smoke by the arm and a very painful crack was heard, causing Kyon to wince. Haruhi was also looking; she looked just like a little girl who had gotten a puppy. Within a minute, all of the thugs were down and handcuffed.

"I'd say I overdid it, but you can never be too sure," Batman quipped tossing aside an unconscious lackey. "You're really slipping up on the help, Joker. Racing you in that surfing competition was a lot harder than _this_," the bat said with a smirk.

Joker growled like an animal before facepalming. "Ohhh, don't remind me of THAT! I've taken so many things to forget that era, Bats!" Then he grinned in a twisted way. "But as always, the last laugh will be mine! I had a spare in my _other_ sock!" And as quick as he said those words, Joker fired his last rocket where the trio was.

Batman and Kyon swore as the missile of death soared close. The psycho was going to kill off his own men and the few people who were still hiding under their seats!

"Batman!" Haruhi exclaimed, tossing the man her aluminum bat. The caped crusader easily caught it, and his hands seemed to act on their own. To the astonishment of everyone watching, Batman batted the projectile out of the air and sent it flying... right at the Joker.

"Oh, poop."

_**BOOOOM!**_

"You did it, Bats!" Haruhi yelled, fist-pumping. "The power of the Brigade Chief was enough to win the day~!"

"How the hell did I do that?" Batman muttered to himself, looking down at the bat in his hands.

Kyon came up and pat him on the back. "It's best not to ask these things when my friend is involved, ummmm... sir. She's very special."

"That's not very nice, making fun of your girlfriend's mental condition."

"NOW JUST A MINUTE, BATTY-"

A pained groan suddenly came from the smoking crater on the field. Batman, Haruhi, and Kyon headed over to it, the hero pulling up a charred Joker. He grinned through broken and burnt teeth.

"I guess the joke was on ME," he coughed.

"It always is, Joker. The police will be here in a few seconds, ready to help me cart you and your boys on a one-way trip back to Blackgate and Arkham. Gotham misses you," Batman said, barely concealing the smug smile on his face.

"Oh, stuff it, guano-boy!"

Batman started to hand-cuff Joker, but turned to give Haruhi a quick nod. "Thanks, miss."

"Anytime, sir!" Haruhi replied. Then she got a gleam in her eyes. "Hey, I've always wanted to meet aliens, time-travelers, and espers, but this is the first time I've met an actual superhero! Wanna hang out with me and my friends sometime?"

"Maybe some other time."

"Ohhh, don't make me follow you back to where you live!"

"Haruhi, why would you want to bug and chase after the guy who just saved our necks?" Kyon curiously asked.

Haruhi looked up at the sky with somber expression, hands on her hips. "Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. ..._**A dark knight.**_"

"...Haruhi, you have got to be the biggest fucking idiot I've ever had the misfortune of befriending." Haruhi smashed her bat into the boy's right leg. "OWWWWWWW!"

"What I'd like to know," Joker said as Batman began to lead him away to the proper authorities, "is why I even came to Japan in the first place. Did I just want to scare the pants off of some random people? Was there even anything here I wanted to steal? I coulda done that all back at Gotham!"

Batman actually stopped in his tracks and considered this. "You bring up a good point, Joker. Come to think of it, how did I even know you in Japan in the first place? And in this particular city? This is all much too convenient, even for the Batman."

"How very strange..." Haruhi and Kyon both said in unison, stroking their chins.

"Hmmmmmm..." they all said.

Meanwhile, a small yellow slug slithered off into the shadows nearby, chuckling softly before disappearing from sight altogether...

_**DUN DUN DUN!**_

* * *

**The Long, Long Wait:**

In a vast white hallway, a small door opened. A young girl stepped out of it, clad in a North High uniform. Her uniform's fuku was a tad baggy for her size, judging by the way her sleeves bunched up, but she did not care. She radiated pure youthful energy from her very being and had the cutest smile you could ever imagine. Her hair was a very light brown and resembled a bird's nest, but she did not mind. A small yellow hairpin made to look like a smiley face. She took one look at the run-down apartment she used to call home and slammed the door.

She then darted down the hallway, her heart beating with nervousness and unending joy and her golden eyes glittering with anticipation. "Look out, world! Here comes Yasumi Watahashi~!"

This is her story.

**A Few Hours Later...**

"...This is BULLCRAP!" Yasumi shouted. After following the instructions she had been given beforehand, she found herself in a little white room with chairs lining the walls, not unlike the waiting room at a doctor's office. Yasumi absentmindedly kicked her feet against the linoleum floor, muttering to herself. "Man... and I was so ready to go do something big with my life..."

Yasumi gave the room another once-over. Besides the chairs, it also contained a large wooden desk with a mosey secretary sitting behind it, hair all tied up in a little bun. Standing against the wall near her was a tuxedo-clad bald man in dark glasses with arms as big as his chest. He looked like he could bench-press a few elephants. Other than them, it was completely empty in the room. Yasumi went back to kicking her heels against the floor some more.

"...Hey, could you please stop making that noise?" a bored voice asked from across the room.

"Yeah, well, why don't you mind your own beeswa- eep!" Yasumi stopped abruptly upon seeing the source of the voice- a black-haired girl around her age in a school uniform that resembled the dress of a Victorian era Englishwoman or a mannequin at Hot Topic.

"You've been nothing but irritating since you arrived here," the girl with cascading locks replied bluntly. "Just quit it."

"I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before in my life. ...But then again, I've never really talked to anyone else before in my life," Yasumi dumbly replied. "So where are we?"

The girl looked up. "We are in a waiting room," she responded in a soft voice.

"Tell me something I don't know," Yasumi said, walking over to the mystery girl and plopping herself down in a chair next to hers. "Sorry I was bugging you. What's your name, miss?"

The girl stopped looking so bored and actually smiled in a heart-warming manner. "My name is Kuyou Suou. Sorry if I was mean to you."

"Oh, it's okay! I'm Yasumi Watahashi. I've been waiting here because I've been told that the latest Haruhi Suzumiya novel has just been written up! Mr. Tanigawa has promised me a great part in it. I'm really eager to do something great!" Yasumi explained happily.

Kuyou clapped her hands. "Oh, that sounds great! I'm supposed to appear in the newest book, too! I think it's called... Dissociation. Yeah. This is supposed to be where I'm formally introduced in the flesh or something. I hope I get a really cool role and personality in the story."

Yasumi and Kuyou talked to each other a little bit more and shared several of their interests with each other. They both liked the color pink, they enjoyed scary movies, they loved chocolate-chip cookies, and they also enjoyed coming up with plots for their own amateur hardcore yaoi doujins. They chatted for such a long time that they almost didn't hear a loud alarm pierce the air.

"What was that?" Yasumi questioned.

"It's the signal for the trans-dimensional warp," answered the secretary, scaring Yasumi and Kuyou with her sudden speech. "It's time for you to enter the story and get acquainted with the rest of the cast. You'll be assigned a personality and role after you're informed of the plot. Better get moving."

"I guess it's time for us to go now. I wonder if we'll ever meet in the story?" Kuyou pondered. Yasumi pat her new friend on the shoulder.

"I'm sure we will, Kuyou! And even if we don't, we can always talk when we're not in the central plot. I wish you a lot of luck!" the scruffy-haired girl spoke. She gave Kuyou a hug. After a small pause, the latter returned it.

"Okay... thanks. I'll meet you on the other side! C'mon, Yasumi!" Kuyou shouted, before entering a portal across the room that appeared from nowhere because fuck logic.

"Right behind you!" Yasumi cheerfully called out after her. She ran towards the swirling light in front of her and-

"Hey. Yasumi Watahashi?" a booming voice called out. A large hand clamped down on her shoulder. Yasumi was yanked back and glanced behind her. It was that guard she'd seen earlier in the room.

"Huh? What do you need? Is something wrong?"

"Are you Miss Watahashi?"

"Yeah. Why's that?"

"I had to make sure. You can't go through. We got a memo."

"WHAT? What's the big idea here? I got a series to be a part of!"

"Sorry," the secretary said in a disinterested tone. "But we've received a note from the higher-ups and Mr. Tanigawa that you will not be appearing in this current light novel. While he has thought of your appearance and such, he has yet to find a place for you. So we're going to have to do this..."

The woman pushed a big red button that had suddenly appeared on her desk. The portal disappeared and a trap-door in the floor opened up. Dark swirls of purple energy snaked around the dark abyss inside.

"Where does _that_ lead to?" Yasumi gulped and managed to squirm out of the guard's mammoth hand.

The secretary went on in her monotonous voice. "Why that's the Idea Box. Well, the way to it anyway. Any time a manga artist, director, novelist, or anyone creates a fictional character, their blueprints will stay inside it if the creator doesn't know exactly what to use them for. They are free to go once the creator decides on the perfect task for them. You won't be in there for long," the secretary explained matter-of-factly. "Toss her in, Sprinkles."

Yasumi broke out into laughter. "Sprinkles? What kind of goofy name is that! Ha ha ha ha~!"

"The kind of name to distract you for when he throws you into the Idea Box."

"Ha ha ha ha- huh? Hey, put me down, King Kong! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Yasumi screamed, falling to the depths of the dark tunnel. The door shut right after her. As she fell, she realized that there were no walls around for her to bump her limbs upon, and eventually, she stopped screaming altogether. In fact, she started to get a little bored.

"I better not be down here for too long. I want to meet Kyon and Haruhi so bad! I wonder what they're like- Oof!" Yasumi landed on her rump on a hard surface and looked around. She was in a very dark large room with stone walls and flooring, torches, and the occasional pile of chains hanging from the walls. A small sofa that was as dark as the room was to her left. Uneasily, Yasumi went over to it and plopped down.

"Fantastic. I'm about to leave for my first day on the job and they don't even need me. This sucks! it really sucks! And now I'm in a creepy room all by myself. How could this get any worse!" Yasumi yelled to herself.

_Oh, you're not alone at all. _

Yasumi nearly peed in her skirt at the sudden voice. It sounded like a young child had just said something. She looked around but saw no one. Even stranger was that the voice sounded like it had spoken directly to her _mind_.

"Is someone there? Hello? Kuyou...?" Yasumi peered into the shadows ahead of her. A pair of red eyes very near to the floor suddenly opened up.

_As I said before, you're not alone! I'm here after all, _said the mystery voice. The eyes got closer until the torchlight revealed what it was. It appeared to be a white cat with a very bushy tail. What made it differ from a normal cat was the fact that a second pair of rabbit-like ears with pink tips extended from the insides of its normal ears. Each long ear a had gold ring floating in the air around it and three extremities that looked like fingers. The cat's face was set in a cute little smile and a red circle was on its back.

"Who are you? You don't look like a regular cat!" Yasumi uttered in amazement.

_My name is Kyubey. I am no ordinary cat. I'm something much greater. But that's a story for another time. What's your name? _the cat asked, not even moving his lips.

"It's... Yasumi. Yasumi Watahashi," Yasumi nervously said. "I got sent in here because my creator didn't know what to do with me. What about you? Did they send you here for the same thing?"

_No one sent me here, Yasumi. I have always been in this place. Waiting. _Kyubey continued to smile as he hopped up on the couch. He snuggled up to Yasumi, who began to stroke his incredibly soft fur.

"I see... Who created you? And why can I hear you talk in my head?"

_Oh, that. It's telepathy. It's just how I'm able to speak. As for your first question... Hmmmm... I'm uncertain of who exactly. I suppose if I were to venture a guess, I must have created myself. Maybe I've just always existed. But I haven't been trapped in here. I can come and go as I please. _

"Really? Where to?"

_I've been here and there, out and around, round and about, hither and fither, to and fro, back and forth, up_ _and down, in and out, over and under,__ hippity hoppity, round the corner, over the river and through the woods, lickity split-_

"Forget I asked," Yasumi broke in, rolling her eyes. "So how long do I have to wait for?"

_Probably for a few years..._ Kyubey casually stretched his back.

Yasumi threw herself off the couch, panic evident in her eyes. "_A few YEARS? I can't wait that long! I have a book to debut in!_"

_That's very unfortunate. ...Well, not for me at least. I'm just here to wait until I can make the greatest impact in something that the world has yet to see, _Kyubey returned. He flopped on his side and began to scratch himself on the couch.

Yasumi was breathing heavily at this point and shaking. "J-Just how l-long do you think I'll be in here for?"

_What year was it topside before you came down here?_

"Ummmmm... 2007. Why?"

_Ah. It depends on your creator, I suppose. I just hope you last longer than the two before you._

"Huh? Who're you talking about, you creepy ball of fuzz?"

Kyubey lifted his left ear as if it were a hand and pointed at a corner of the room. Yasumi strained her eyes and was rewarded with the sight of a pair of skeletons chained to the wall. Both of them, a male and a female, were dressed in tattered Japanese school uniforms and had a pitcher of water put just out of their reach.

_Perhaps they were thirstier than I realized. Oh, well. Had the girl contracted with me, she and her friend could have lived but no crying over split milk. _Kyubey raised a paw and began to gingerly lick it. Then he turned to look at a horrified and pale Yasumi. _Yasumi, I haven't asked yet, but how would you like to make a contract with me and become a magic-_

"OH, GOD, OH, GOD, OH, GOD, I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIE!" she shrieked, running around the room in circles. Kyubey watched this go on with some interest, as Yasumi went from bawling her eyes out to screaming foul curses about everything she saw in the room.

_Yasumi, I think you should also know that-_

"_**FUCKING SOFA! FUCKING WALLS! FUCKING TORCHES! FUCKING CEILING! FUCKING SKELETONS! FUCKING KYUBEY! FUCKING PITCHER! AAAAAAAAAAA-**_"

_-time is different down here than it is up there so-_

"OH, KUYOU, HOW I MISS YOU, SOOOOOOOOOOO~..."

_For every three minutes that have passed down here, an entire year has passed aboveground, _Kyubey interrupted loudly, shaking his head. Yasumi stopped rolling back and forth on the ground and gasped.

"They HAVE? What the... I gotta leave! I'm missing out on crazy adventures down here! Is there a way I can leave on my own, Kyubey? You need to tell me!" the brunette begged.

_Hmmmmm... _Kyubey hummed to himself. Then he looked up and his smile seemed to get even larger as an idea began to form in his brain. ..._Actually, I do know of a way to get out. Previous guests have always been chained up for being rowdy or have left early, so you'll be the first one to know. However, in exchange for this information, I need you to promise me something._

"What do I have to do?" Yasumi asked cautiously. The cat was her only lead out of the Idea Box, but something seemed awfully sinister about him. His eyes twinkled like rubies in the shadows cast by the torches.

_Nothing much. A trifle really. I simply want you to repay me back later in your life after you go free. I sense great power within you and I know you'll be able to assist me in anything I need help with. Yes, you are to play a grand role in something soon. Just say yes and I'll help you!_

"Uhhh... Ohhh... I... Okay! Yes! I'll pay you back anyway I can some day! ...Just nothing really naughty."

Kyubey made some kind of disgusted sound. _Nothing like THAT. To leave this place, go to the third torch on the left of the wall behind you and press down and to the right. That shall open a passage of pure light. Where it takes you depends on the strength of your heart... Something like that. Good luck in your career, Yasumi Watahashi! Now if you'll excuse me... _

In the shadows, Kyubey grinned with satisfaction and hopped off the couch. He walked off into the darkness of the cell and with a final twirl of his tail, he was gone. A good idea for a show had come to his mind and he needed to see some people about it. Yasumi, too overjoyed to have noticed anything suspicious, darted off to the torch. She turned it in the way the cat had instructed her and the stone wall in front of her slid away to reveal a hidden passage.

Rushing into the tunnel of pure light, Yasumi knew just what she had to do.

**Much Later...**

A certain author sat in his office, staring at a blank computer -screen in front of him. He'd been stuck on his next story for a while and had no idea what to do. The fans were getting restless and time was running out. He sighed and wondered if there was anything he'd forgotten to introduce in the last book. Not remembering if there was, he thought about maybe suggesting to the studio to do more of those funny Haruhi-chan episodes for a while until he regained his muse. Yeah. The fanbase would eat that up. it could work.

...That was the initial plan before a girl dressed in a sailor uniform smashed through the wall to his right, panting like a savage beast. The confused writer could only gawk at his visitor. She reminded him of someone oddly familiar that he hadn't thought about in years. The girl with the smiley face hairpin took one look at the calendar on his desk and screamed like a baboon that had been electrocuted. With a snarl of pure fury, she leapt across the desk and grabbed the poor author.

"YOU BETTER GIVE ME A DAMN ROLE RIGHT NOW, TANIGAWA!" Yasumi snarled, foaming flying from her lips as she gripped the poor author by his collar. "OR ELSE I'M GOING TO KILL EVERYONE IN THIS BUILDING AND THEN COME BACK HERE AND FORCE YOU TO EAT YOUR OWN TEETH WHILE I PLAY THE XYLOPHONE WITH YOUR SPINE! ...So pretty please~?"

And that is how Yasumi Watahashi got to appear in both halves of The Astonishment of Haruhi Suzumiya in the year of 2011.

* * *

**One Mean Pussy:**

In the class of Haruhi and Kyon, Okabe was going over the lesson for the day. Knowing that his students would cease being first-years after a while, he decided to ask them a few questions.

"Students, you will all become second-years in a short while. I hope that all the things that I have taught you will serve you well in the future. Many of you will heavily succeed later in life," Okabe declared, smiling. His smiled lessened as he gave Taniguchi a quick glance. "...Some of you may not be as fortunate."

Taniguchi let out a small sigh and made a mental note to dent Okabe's car with a handful of rocks later.

"But I know that all of you will do very well once you leave North High and venture out into the world. We still have a few moments until class ends for the day, so until then, why don't we go around the room and talk about what each of you wants to do in the future? It's okay if you haven't settled on anything specific yet. Who would like to go first?" Okabe questioned.

Almost simultaneously, half of the kids shrank into their chairs in order to make themselves appear smaller. No way these future convicts, strippers, drug-addicts, and fry-cooks were going to embarrass themselves in front of their peers. Kyon actually pretended that he was asleep.

"Now don't be shy. No one will judge you. ...Looks like I'll have to choose someone then," Okabe said. Someone then raised their hand much to his delight. "Oh, good, we have a volunteer! Thank you, Miss Suzumiya!"

Kyon's head shot up and he spun around in a cold sweat. A very confident Haruhi was just putting her hand down at her desk. Taniguchi and Kunikida looked on in morbid fascination, Sakanaka looked very eager, and everyone else looked like they had just seen Slender Man show up. What crazy thing was going to come out of Haruhi Suzumiya's mouth _this_ time?

"Miss Suzumiya, why don't you start us off and talk about your big dream?"

The infamous student of the school crossed her arms in a haughty way. "Well, I plan to go to Tibet," Haruhi replied with a completely serious face. The rest of the class, including Kyon, blinked in surprise.

Okabe was very intrigued and said, "Oh?"

"Yes. I plan on staying there for ten years with the local monks, eating nothing but vegetable soup, meditating, and learning all that I can," Haruhi continued. Meanwhile, the rest of the class was amazed that Haruhi hadn't brought up anything about chasing sea-serpents or yetis in her future plans.

"And?" Okabe asked once more.

"And I will conquer an ancient art form. One that has intrigued me for years," Haruhi ominously said, staring out the open window as an eerie breeze blew in. "One so intricate, delicate, and amazing, it's been my dream to learn since I was four."

Okabe leaned forward expectantly. "You mean the creation of those sand mandalas? I do agree, they are quite-"

Haruhi suddenly stood up and slammed both of her fists down on her desks. "_**No!**_" Everyone flinched in shock.

Okabe was so stunned by the sudden outburst that he almost jumped six feet into the air. "No?"

Haruhi gave her teacher a hard stare and yelled, "I'm talking about the art of _pelvic-thrusting_! If you do it JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST right, a live jaguar leaps from your crotch and mauls your enemies to death! The ancient technique of clawed death from your loins! ...That's just stupid, what you said!" Haruhi sat back down with crossed arms, shooting a glare at her teacher.

"...Why did I even ask?" Okabe moaned to himself, running his hands through his hair. He dejectedly sat down in his chair, opened up a drawer in his desk, and then began to empty an entire jar of industrial-strength headache pills.

Nobody made a peep until class ended for the day.

**Later in the Clubroom...**

"...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM!" Haruhi shouted with gusto, propelling her hips forward with each BAM of hers. As she did this near the window, Itsuki, Mikuru, and Yuki watched her in disturbed silence.

"...So you want a jaguar to leap out from your skirt, Miss Suzumiya?" Itsuki choked out. He was still smiling, but it was taking all his energy not to drop his jaw on the floor.

Haruhi stopped her thrusting and looked at Itsuki as if he were a complete moron. "Well, duh, Koizumi! Why do you think I've spent an hour doing this? I'll keep doing it until I get the results I desire! If it comes to it, I'll save up the money and fly my ass on over to Tibet next month! Those monks may be my only chance to get this trick to work... Anyway, my loyal minions, despite your questioning and strange stares, I'm very pleased that the three of you are still here. Unlike a certain dipshit, who shall remain nameless..."

True to Haruhi's words, only the alien, time-traveler, and esper remained in the room with her. Kyon had actually entered the room with Haruhi sometime ago. However, he had been so disgusted and annoyed that he had actually gone home early. Naturally, Haruhi claimed that he had been the source of her failures and was glad he had left.

"You've wanted to do this since you were a child, correct?" Yuki asked, trying to make sense out the situation.

"Yes! I made the wish when I was just four and I've waited for it to come true ever since! But everyone keeps telling me that I'm crazy and wrong! One Tanabata, I had to settle for simply wishing for ruling the world from the shadows! Well, come the time a whirlwind of teeth and claws comes flying out of my panties, they are the ones who will be proven wrong~! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Haruhi cackled maniacally. The giggling tsundere then went back to facing the window and thrusting her crotch at the air. "...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! ...BAM! C'mon, get out of there, you stupid cat! ...BAM!"

Itsuki, Yuki, and Mikuru wisely decided to leave early. They headed out of the building in a hurry and waited at the gates of the school until they could see Haruhi leave. They played a few rounds of Go Fish until Mikuru finally checked the time on her cell-phone.

"Look, everyone, she's been at it for at least three hours now. Someone should tell her she's not going to make a jaguar fly out and do her bidding," Mikuru said to her friends. "...Wow, there's a sentence I never thought I'd put together in my entire life."

"Now, now we can't crush the girl's dream, Asahina," Itsuki offered, shrugging. "We'll let good old Father Time do that for us and then- HOLY SHIT, IS THAT A FUCKING JAGUAR?"

Yuki was about to dismiss Itsuki's wild allegation as a product of too much stress, but an earsplitting roar put an end to that idea. She and Mikuru looked in the direction of the noise and almost fell over.

Lo and behold, Haruhi was riding on a large jaguar that had jumped from the window. The young reality-warper had one hand gripping the scruff of the beast's neck and the other raised in a fist of triumph as she and her mount galloped past them and into the sunset.

"I KNEW IT! NEXT STOP, KYON'S HOUSE~!"

"_GRRRAAAARGH!_"

"OUCH! MR. GROUCHY, THAT IS NOT A TOY! OW!"

* * *

**The Old Guest:**

Yuki had just left the local library in her neighborhood, a stack of three large books tucked under her left arm. Her right arm dragged a small red wagon carrying a large pile of graphic, sci-fi, and mystery novels, along with a few manga. While she did not feel it, a small smile was on her face. After all the insanity with Haruhi, Sasaki, that mysterious first-year student, and the Sky Canopy Dominion had come to a close, she was grateful that she was now back on her feet again. Tsuruya's flower-viewing festival still had some time to come, and Yuki would use this time to have some self-deserved free-time for herself.

"Good afternoon, Yuki!"

...Well, shit, it's her again.

Yuki stopped walking and looked over her right shoulder. her smile was replaced with a frown as Ryoko sauntered up to her, waving. Deep inside, Yuki wished that she could have bumped into Haruhi or even Kuyou of all people. At least the two of them never talked for too long to her.

"Yuki, aren't you going to say hello to your old friend?" Ryoko asked, now standing right alongside Yuki. The purple-haired alien took a look at the few people meandering around them. She decided it was best to keep moving, lest Ryoko suddenly get bored and decide to dissect some unlucky soul.

"Hello, Asakura," Yuki replied back, pronouncing her back-up's name with a tinge of annoyance. "What do you want? And why are you calling me Yuki?"

"What? Can't a couple of old friends refer to each other by their first names?" Ryoko said, slinging her arm around Yuki's shoulder.

"We're not friends, Asakura. We're co-workers, and enemies," Yuki said, shaking off her embrace. "Friends would be people I enjoy being around."

"Geez, Yuki, don't you remember all the good times we've had in the past?"

"...Nope, not in the slightest."

"C'mon, Yuki, don't you remember? How about that time we adopted those kittens?"

"I certainly remember that," Yuki answered, wincing slightly. "They mewled at every single hour of the night, they shed constantly, and they hated us. In fact, I believe they all turned out to be rabid."

"They weren't rabid or mean! What all about all of the precious little love-nips that they gave to me? Their love brought us closer together!" Ryoko argued back.

"Those love-nips of yours gave you a severe rash and several other infections. At least you had the common sense to heal yourself afterward. And our relationship got worse. You became angry with me for a week after I took those kittens to the veterinarian and the animal-shelter."

"BECAUSE YOU STOLE MY WONDERFUL BABIES FROM ME! Giving them to some lowly humans who probably didn't even know how to tie their own shoes! I had a right to be miffed at you!"

"...Goodbye, Asakura."

Yuki started to walk off again with her wagon full of books. Forgetting her anger, Ryoko went after her, lightly jogging at Yuki's side. Yuki continued at a faster pace.

"Now, Yuki, let's just agree to disagree. We were _both_wrong and right. Now how about we both go home and keep talking about the good old days, eh?" Ryoko chirped, smiling.

Yuki stopped dead in her tracks. "...What do you mean by home?"

"Why your place, of course, silly," Ryoko said. "I can't go back to my old home because that would get everyone suspicious, and Canada's so far from here."

"Asakura, you never actually went to Canada. You were in a state of non-existence," Yuki replied, trying to shuffle around Ryoko.

"Exactly. Canada," Ryoko said, blocking Yuki's every move. "Now just let me crash at your place, pleeeeaaaase?"

"...Fine," Yuki said glumly. Ryoko clapped her hands in glee and squealed.

"Oh, goody, goody, goody! Thank you, Yuki!" Ryoko then grabbed Yuki in a bear-hug and picked her off the ground. "I can't wait to see how much your home has changed! I bet you've filled it with all sorts of fun items that you've collected during your time with Haruhi Suzumiya."

"Errr, yes..." Yuki muttered, some of her ribs cracking. "Can you please stop now? It is becoming difficult for me to breathe..."

"Oopsie-daisy."

Ryoko sat Yuki back down and after the latter caught her breath, the two walked off. But because Yuki's place was still a good walk away, she would have to endure at least ten more minutes of Ryoko's badgering. Probably more once they actually got to the apartment.

"Yuki, I think you've changed," Ryoko suddenly said.

"How?" Yuki's interest slightly piqued.

"It's your face and voice. You were always so... bland at first. But now you look and sound livelier."

"Really? I suppose I haven't noticed. Maybe I've developed from prolonged contact with humans," Yuki mused as Ryoko frowned.

"Kyon's the reason for this, isn't he? I knew that he had something to do with this! Trying to take away my friend, eh?" Ryoko grumbled, pulling out a knife. "Well, I've got a little surprise for him, yes I do, because Mr. Stabby _really_wants to see Kyon again..."

"Asakura, you do realize that I can hear all of your insane ramblings?" Yuki spoke.

"Oops, sorry, Yuki! I'll try not to do that so much..." Ryoko purred in a sudden mood-swing.

The always taciturn alien rolled her eyes, much to Ryoko's amazement. "This is one of the reasons I consider you to be my enemy, despite us being on the same side. You will not leave him alone, no matter the situation. Don't think I didn't hear about your encounter with him from Emiri Kimidori."

"That little snitch..." Ryoko murmured, before putting on her best pleading look. "But, Yuki, you don't understand! I _saved_Kyon! If I hadn't stepped in, that vile Kuyou Suou would have ripped him in half! I was only playing around with him there, ha ha..."

"She informed me that you said that Kyon was your prey and that only _you_could touch him," Yuki stated, an icy aura surrounding her. To Ryoko, Yuki seemed to grow larger and gain demonic, fiery eyes. Swallowing her fear, the blunette offered up her best counter-argument.

"...Well, Emiri Kimidori is a lying whore."

"...An insult. Charming. Let's move on now," Yuki said, not even bothering to facepalm, as that would be too much effort.

"Okey-dokey!" Ryoko said, in yet another mood swing.

"Since it technically is my business, what are you doing in this area by yourself? Shouldn't you be on standby with Kimidori? Or are you shirking your duties?"

"You and your questions~! It's completely all right! ...I was just taking a well-deserved break that has lasted for an unspecified amount of time."

"Right..."

The two continued on their walk. It wasn't long before they reached the outside of Yuki's building. Using her powerful abilities, Ryoko was able to walk past the few people that occupied the lobby completely undetected. Anyone that got in her way, she passed through completely, like a phantom. A few minutes later, Yuki opened the door to her own and trudged inside with her old partner and books. The blue-haired alien immediately darted to where Yuki's kitchen was.

"Whew! I'm glad to be back here again!" Ryoko exclaimed, heading over to the fridge. "Come on, baby, I need some radish. ...Hey, Yuki? Remember that time that we played the pocky game with that barbeque bacon cheeseburger?"

"Yes, I do remember playing that game, Asakura. I don't know what encouraged you to use a food-item that had absolutely no relation to the name of the game itself," Yuki responded dryly.

"Yes, but I only got in two bites before you swallowed it whole and tried to engulf my head like a snake! Still don't know why that aroused me..."

Ignoring her, Yuki wheeled her books over to her small table and began to set them down on it. The only new piece of furniture that she owned besides the table and bed was a black bookshelf. Ryoko quickly noticed it upon returning from the kitchen, some tupperware in hand.

"Seriously, Yuki? Only THAT in the time I've been gone? I'm surprised you have all the appliances needed for a kitchen! Looks like I'll have to take care of things once again..." Ryoko set down her tupperware on the table and started to roll up her sleeves with a determined look. This was enough to give alarm Yuki.

"Asakura, what are you about to do?"

"Why I'm just going to give your drab little apartment some of my patented Ryoko flair~!"

Suddenly, neon blue wallpaper covered the walls, a giant heart-shaped double-bed appeared in the middle of the room, an oversized plasma screen T.V. in front of it, and a horrific couch that looked like it belonged in Satan's Museum of Modern Art.

"...This is worse than the time you reinvented yourself as Lady Gaga," Yuki stated holding back a look of disgust.

"Hey, that was who humans idolized at the time I studied their behavioral patterns. How was I supposed to know that making a skirt completely out of knives while wearing dark sunglasses and a traffic-cone bra would get me arrested?" Ryoko said, shrugging. She walked around and admired her handiwork for a few minutes, then came back and plopped herself down on a floor-pillow next to Yuki.

"Now that the decorating is over, time to eat. I'm famished!" Ryoko popped open the tupperware container while Yuki looked on in silent rage. It was enough that Ryoko had raided her fridge, but now she was filling it with her own tacky stuff?

"Listen to me, Asakura. First of all, you can't be famished because it's impossible for us to experience feelings like hunger or fatigue. And while I have invited you into my home as my guest, that does not give you the right to- Wait. What are... you eating out of there?" Yuki's breath caught in her throat.

"Why some yummy curry of course. It's a bit cold, but I think it will do."

"..." Yuki just watched, a look of melancholy in her eyes as Ryoko ate the curry in two bites. "...I was saving that curry..." Yuki said looking down, as Ryoko belched.

"Oops, sorry!" Ryoko said with a smile. "I think I know what will cheer you up!"

"What?"

"This!"

Ryoko suddenly rotated around until she was facing Yuki, took off her socks and shoes, then stretched her legs until her bare feet were placed directly on Yuki's lap. As expected, the purple-haired interface was very puzzled.

"...You want me to give you a foot-massage?" Yuki inquired, titling her head.

"No, Yuki!" Ryoko shouted, lightly kicking Yuki in the stomach. "I want you to play that game we always used to play! Remember? I always played it with you when you were in one of your quiet moods. You know? Ten Little Piggies~! C'mon and count my cute little toes, Yuki!"

Yuki's eyes went as wide as flying saucers. "Are you some kind of moron, Asakura? I'm not going to degrade myself in such an activity. Now kindly remove your smelly feet from my person."

"My feet smell wonderful. NOW START THE COUNTING OF THE PIGGIES!" Ryoko then raised her left foot until it reached Yuki's head and then jammed it right into her face. The manga-loving alien's head went back at an angle and she nearly fell right off her pillow.

"Ryoko...?"

"Yay, you called me by my first name~! What is it, Yuki? Are you ready to take my foot to count my piggies?"

"In a way..." Yuki then abruptly stood up, grabbed Ryoko by her ankle, spun around ten times, then flung her into her bedroom. The resulting crash brought a disturbing smile to her face. "Ahhhh, that was relaxing."

"Yukiiiii..." Ryoko whined, crawling across the floor. "Why are you so mean to me?"

"Because you try to kill the only human who's ever brought me a semblance of happiness, you act like a giant social butterfly in public when you secretly loathe organic beings, you've eaten my food without asking, you've ruined my apartment with your bad taste, you act like a child when you don't get your way, you plot behind everyone's backs, and you coddle me as if I were an infant."

"...Well! Someone has obviously been craving attention!"

Ryoko, not looking the least bit injured, jumped up from the floor and quickly enveloped Yuki in another hug. This one was supposed to be motherly and supportive, but due to their height-difference, Ryoko just succeeded in smushing Yuki's face between her breasts.

"I blame myself for leaving you alone for so long..." Ryoko whispered, pretending she was looking Yuki in her eyes instead of just having her chin propped across a head of lavender hair.

"_Would you please remove your areolas from my face?_" Yuki said in a muffled voice.

"Oh, Yuki, do remember that time that we slathered Emiri in vanilla ice-cream, chocolate-sauce, whipped-cream, and sprinkles while she was asleep?" Ryoko asked. "I still can't believe she sleeps naked."

"_I can't breathe,_" Yuki replied.

"And then we tried to eat it off of her, but then she woke up and tried to delete us from existence? Boy, was her face red!"

"_You're suffocating me._"

"And then the Data Overmind stepped in and gave us a free pass because half of it thought it was kinky! Ha ha!"

"_**RYOKO, REMOVE ME FROM YOUR CLEAVAGE OR I WILL BE FORCED TO RIP OFF YOUR MAMMARY-GLANDS FROM YOUR CHEST!**_" Yuki yelled in an out-of-character fit of rage.

"I think someone sounds a bit jealous about her own lack of growth~..." Ryoko cooed. She was rewarded with Yuki suddenly grabbing of handful of each of her boobs. Stunned, her hold on Yuki loosened, allowing her to headbutt the knife-lover in the chin. Ryoko tottered back and then fell on her ass, rubbing her chin in a daze.

"Thank you," Yuki said, fixing up her clothes.

"Oh, Yuki, you've gotten so bold~..." Ryoko moaned from the floor, trying her best to sound seductive, but instead sounding like a someone just hit by a bus. Yuki ignored her and went into her bedroom with a book. To her misfortune, Ryoko followed her.

"What?"

"Are you going to take an afternoon nap? Good, because I think you and I both need one to collect our thoughts. Shall we retire to the living room?"

"That's your own bed. You can create a room for yourself elsewhere." Yuki sat herself down on a small white futon that she occasionally used for sleeping, whenever she had nothing else to do. As she laid down her head upon a green pillow, she noticed the concerned look Ryoko was giving her. "...Yes?"

"Oh, I just assumed that you and I would sleep _together _like we always used to do on the floor with our blankets. That futon of yours looks like it's only big enough for one person," the blunette observed.

"Because it is," Yuki answered, opening up her book. Ryoko blinked then looked from side to side, and began to push both her left and right index fingers together in a repeated motion.

"Then... where am I supposed to sleep?"

"Your own damn bed," Yuki said. "Or on the floor."

Suddenly, Ryoko began to sniffle, and was soon bawling her eyes out, tears flowing.

"What's wrong?" Yuki asked, doing her best to try and tune out Ryoko's sniffling.

"It's you, Yuki! You've turned into a completely different person! The old Yuki and I would always do each other's hair, take our baths together, eat ice-cream for breakfast, and talk about how much better we were than these boring old humans! But now you hate me and want nothing to do with me, Yuki! WHAT HAS KYON DONE TO YOU?" She started to flat-out sob and collapsed her face upon Yuki's lap. The bookworm put her book aside and began to awkwardly pat her roommate on the head.

"Kyon and the rest of the SOS Brigade are very respectful of my privacy and wishes, and always do their best to take care of me. They know when to give me my space," Yuki explained.

"But have ANY of them ever played Pokémon with you like I have? The heart of the cards and all that jazz!" Ryoko wept, face still buried in Yuki's crotch.

"That's Yu-Gi-Oh," Yuki calmly spoke. "I don't think we ever did play Pokémon in the past..."

Ryoko looked up. "Yes, we did always play it. In this very room. On blankets. Naked. And with our boobies and naughty bits."

Yuki's face gave away to a scowl. "I still can't believe I let you talk me into going along with that for all those months."

"Yuki, please, I promise that I'll respect your privacy as long as you spend a _little _time with me!" Ryoko said, clinging to Yuki.

Yuki continued to glare at Ryoko, then sighed. "Fine. I'll occasionally fulfill your ridiculous requests in exchange for some privacy, just stop acting so perverted... Ryoko."

"Of course, Yuki! I'll always follow your orders!" squealed Ryoko, getting to her feet. She then got onto Yuki's futon and squashed herself to the left of her friend. It wasn't big enough to have two people lying in it, so Ryoko was sort of half-lying on Yuki while the latter was nearly touching the floor.

"What are you doing now, Asakura?" Yuki grumbled, holding her book at an odd angle now.

"I just want to spend some time reading with the only other being in the universe I like," Ryoko said sweetly.

"I see..." Yuki replied in a low voice. "I'm still going to change the color of the wallpaper you put up."

"I'll put in purple carpeting if you don't."

"...Fine. Don't get too comfortable living here, Ryoko. I might change even more. I might change my hair color or become a vegan. I might get a dog. I might even request that our superiors allow me to age like a normal human-being."

"Oh, Yuki~... I don't think I'll mind. I'll just have to change along with you. I'll always be fond of you no matter how much you change or how old you grow."

From her spot, Yuki blushed. Ryoko was more than a little messed-up, no amount of therapy could ever hope to fix her, and she'd still probably try to tear out Kyon's organs, but she was still one of the few people Yuki would ever consider as a true friend. She hated to admit it, but it was so very true.

From her spot, Ryoko's brow furrowed and she suddenly tapped Yuki on the shoulder and said, "...On second thought, don't get any older or anything, Yuki. I'm not really into that kind of stuff. I like you as flat as you are!"

Yuki groaned deeply in response and smacked the yangire in the face with her book. There were just some things that couldn't be dropped.

* * *

**A/N: Despite the fact that Tanabata passed in Japan already, I'm glad that I could get this chapter done for all my friends. Many thanks to all the people who supported me in coming up with jokes and ideas for this chapter.**

**For those who are wondering, Kyubey is from a fantastic show that came out a while back called Puella Magi Madoka Magica. This will definitely not going to be the last time that you all see him. I definitely recommend watching it sometime to get one of my future chapters, but for the love of Haruhi, watch out when Googling the episodes, as some spoilers are sure to leak out. Crunchyroll and Hulu are two places that stream it if you are interested.  
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**The following chapter shall be a parody of the giant monster film genre. Tune in next time- same Haruhi-time, same Haruhi-channel!  
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**Review, Haruhi-worshippers! Your goddess with the yellow headband and ribbons demands it!**


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